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@BEGIN_FILE_ID.DIZ Chapter 35@END_FILE_ID.DIZ Ryan went out the next week with his friends. They ended up at Melissa's house. Ryan wondered if Jen would show up. He knew they would run into each other sometime, it couldn't be avoided; they hung out with the same group. "Jen's coming over," Melissa told him. "Oh yeah?" he answered, trying to sound like he didn't care. But his heart was racing. They all sat around, watching TV. When Jen walked in the door she barely looked at him, only glanced at him like she did everyone else. She sat on the floor next to Melissa, smiling and talking to her and in general acting like she didn't give a fuck who the hell Ryan Harper was. Ryan sat on the couch, trying not to look at her, but he couldn't help it. He stared at her back and hair while she faced the TV. There was some special on MTV. Ryan wasn't really paying attention except to know that it was about sex or something. Everyone laughed when it was said that guys were like "dogs," when it came to sex. A girl he didn't know laughed and said, "That is so true!" when the person who was talking continued to say that girls don't understand that about guys, and that they "think they're going to marry the first guy they get with." Jen laughed too, and said, "I know!" to the girl. "Girls think, 'We're gonna get *married*,'" she squealed in a high voice. "And the guys are like, 'Next!'" Jen laughed again. "But then the girls snap out of it and then they're like, 'Next!" The other girl laughed. "God," she said seriously. "I totally regret it, the guy I first did it with." Oh shit, thought Ryan. Don't say it Jen, oh please don't say. . . "Me too!" agreed Jen emphatically. "I know exactly what you mean. God, I wish I'd never even *met* the guy." Ryan looked down at his hands. He felt several pairs of eyes boring into him, none of which belonged to Jen, or the other girl, who didn't know about Jen and Ryan. "Oh yeah?" the girl asked. "Wow I like your shirt," she told her as Jen peeled off her sweatshirt. "Thanks." Melissa jumped up to get the phone, while Ryan sat frozen, still staring at his hands. She came back in and told Jen it was for her. Jen leapt up and went into the bedroom to get it, and Ryan felt sick as people around the room looked at each other and raised their eyebrows about Jen and Ryan. His vision became blurry as his eyes filled with tears. He couldn't stand their staring and got up slowly, going down the hall and laying down on the bed in the dark guest bedroom. Corey followed him. "Come on Ryan. You know she's just trying to hurt you on purpose," he told him. "Yeah, I know. . . " "Then what's the matter?" "Maybe she's doing a good fucking job!" he snapped. "Come on. Don't think she's forgotten about you because I know she hasn't. If she didn't care she wouldn't go out of her way to try to hurt you." Ryan didn't say anything. "Come on, don't be in here by yourself. Come back out!" Ryan sighed. "Fine. . . " When they walked back in Jen was leaving, standing up with her purse on. She looked over at them, her eyes meeting with Ryan's only briefly before she looked away. She walked out to a chorus of "bye's!" with Brian trying to trip her as she walked out. Ryan felt jealous of their camaraderie. He sat back down, giving Corey a look. "Where'd Jen go?" Corey asked. "Oh, over to what's his name's. . . " said Melissa. Ryan felt like someone had hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. Some other guy. She *is* over me, he thought. She's going out to get fucked, he thought painfully. *Next*. "Who?" Corey asked. "What his name, *Kasey*!" imitated Melissa. Ryan sat on the couch, staring at nothing. "Who the fuck's Kasey?" demanded Corey. "Oh, some guy. . . I don't know, he's a total stoner. I guess she likes him though. I don't know why. Well, I guess he is pretty cute." "So, Jen's already out fucking someone is she," said Corey. Shut up, thought Ryan. Melissa gave him a dirty look. "I didn't say that," she told him. "Oh. So she ever talk about Ryan?" he asked seriously. Melissa looked at Ryan. "Um, I don't know. . . No. Well, not to say anything nice she doesn't." Ryan stood up. "Uh, I'm gonna head back now. I'm tired. You comin'?" he asked Corey, "Yeah, aright." "If you want my honest opinion I don't think she really gives a fuck about Kasey, Ry," said Melissa. He gave her his fakest smile. Chapter 36 Jen went out into the night, pleased that Kasey had called her, and feeling happy that she had snubbed Ryan again. She was happier that he had called; she'd given him Melissa's number but hadn't really expected him to. He couldn't find Dana's house the night of her party, he told her. He had lost the directions. Jen wondered if she would have slept with Kasey instead of Matt if he had showed up. Well, she was sure she wouldn't have slept with Matt, not if Kasey had been there still. Why had she slept with Matt? She remembered some sentimental feelings that he had a crush on her, but now what she had been thinking was growing even fuzzier and fuzzier by the day of course, not that it had ever been clear. It would have been so much different if it had been Kasey, she knew, and deep inside she was relieved he hadn't gone to the party, though she kept telling herself she wished he had. Because if it had been Kasey instead, she wouldn't have been in charge, and maybe that was what she wanted. She just wanted to take him, like he was the girl and she was the guy. It had been wonderful though, physically, and the fact that it wasn't Ryan added a whole new dimension. A whole new world opened up to her. She told him Matt didn't exactly regret it. She didn't exactly; it had hurt Ryan, and that was what she wanted. But it wasn't like she had used him like that. Plus, she knew, he had gotten what he wanted. Maybe they had used each other? But I didn't use him, she thought. Just because we did it didn't mean I used him. It just happened, she thought, we both got pleasure out of it, and that's that. She pushed away any guilty feelings, telling herself that people had casual sex all the time, so why shouldn't she? Why should she have to deal with love all the time? Sex was a natural thing, and humans were animals, and animals did each other all the time without dealing with *love*. She could fuck Kasey of course, that would be okay. She felt so free; now that she was "single" she felt like she had been released from something, something which she kept telling herself was false and detrimental. He was *different* from Ryan, that's for certain. And he liked her too. She hadn't ever pictured herself going out with someone like him. He was popular at his school, she knew, but he wasn't into sports nor really ambitious and motivated like Ryan. Also, Kasey hadn't even made an attempt to find Mitch and beat him up after she had told him what had happened. At first she was sort of annoyed that he didn't seem to care, but then she was happy about it. After all, did she want a guy who was so hot-tempered he flew off the handle at every little thing? Of course not. His friends were pretty nice, but she felt like she didn't fit in and they knew she didn't. He had said he was going to a show that weekend, and she wondered if she was invited. She'd have to get something to wear of course, so she didn't look like a dork up in the city. She mentioned it when she showed up at his house. There were a few other people there, and he just shrugged, saying who knew what they would do. His friends looked over at her, and she felt stupid, like it was obvious they never planned things in advance. She thought about it, and decided that was the right attitude. After all, spontaneity was fun, planning was anal. Relax, Jen, she told herself. They passed around a joint, and she did relax. Chapter 37 Matt hardly ever saw Jen at school anymore, and he guessed she'd quit track. She'd done something to her hair, he noticed when he did see her, she'd braided it in all these little tiny braids. He thought it was cool, but he liked it better before. People talked about her hair and how cool it was, but soon it got to the point where the more Matt saw her the more he hated it that way. During biology he asked Mike what was up with Jen, if he knew. He just shrugged, saying she had some new stoner boyfriend, Kasey, and that she had this major attitude now. That's all he said; he and Mike hadn't been friends much since he had slept with her. Matt wondered why, and he figured that Mike had his loyalties to Jen and her crowd, thinking he was one of them. If Dana and her friends didn't like him, then he couldn't like him either. It really pissed him off. Jen must not ever go to class, he thought. Her name was written on the board in his math class with the people who needed to make up tests. She had three check marks next to her name. That meant she'd missed four tests! He wondered what she was doing. He wondered if she was still going to graduate. Not if she keeps this up, he thought. That oughtta wake her up. His imagination began going, and he pictured Jen in a rehab center in a few years, her life in shambles. He wondered about that Kasey guy. He was willing to bet he gave her drugs all the time. He knew she probably had sex with him. She had started dressing differently too; Matt wondered if they were his clothes. She always wore these really baggy clothes, like corduroy pants and t-shirts over long-sleeved shirts. She thinks she's such a hippie, thought Matt disgustedly. But he was genuinely worried about her, more as time wore on and she stayed like that. He wanted to call her and ask her what was going on, but when he did she was never home. He couldn't bring himself to leave a message. One day during lunch time she was there, standing with her loser friends, Matt thought. His friends pointed her out to him, saying that she was really fucked up now and it was all his fault. "Shut up," he said to their teasing. He hoped that wasn't the case. "Go talk to her," said Erik. "I thought you were friends with her. You said you were." "I am. I will!" he replied testily. What the hell, he thought, going up to her and standing next to her. "Uh, hi." "Hi," she responded. Her friends ignored him. "So what's up?" "Nothing," she responded, not looking at him. "Well. . . Um, I was just wondering, if you're okay. . . " "What?" "Well, I mean, why you're acting all different. . . " "I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she said, annoyed, not looking at him while she listened to what her friends were saying. "Oh, I mean, I don't know," he mumbled. "Sorry. . . " "You're right. You don't know." Right then Erik came up next to them. "Nice hair," he cracked to Jen. "Fuck off," she told him. "What?!? I meant it, nice hair!" he replied innocently. She ignored him. Matt tried to think of something he could say. "Um, so, are you still gonna go to college?" he asked. "What?" she asked coldly. "Um, you know, you should really like, work harder or something. . . " Oh! No, that's not what he meant to say! No, he just meant. . . "Fuck you go to hell," she told him in monotone, as she and her friends walked away, leaving him and Erik by themselves. "O-kay. . . " said Erik. Fuck. FUCK! his mind screamed. Now she hates me. She fucking hates me! he thought. Dammit. ***** Ryan never got up the energy to beat up Mitch. He knew it wouldn't make a difference to Jen. Mitch was afraid of him, and quit baseball to avoid him, he heard. But Ryan didn't care anymore. He didn't care about hardly anything anymore. His parents were there, to make sure he did his homework. He went out sometimes, but only at his friends' urging. He wondered if he was clinically depressed. Or maybe he was having a nervous breakdown. All he knew was his life sucked big time. Jen was getting on with her life--why couldn't he? He didn't want to, that's why not. His friends were making plans for Prom, but he couldn't ask anyone else. No way. His friends understood he guessed, but they still tried to talk him into going. He couldn't really tell them how miserable he was. They might understand, but they just didn't talk about things that way. Not like he could with Jen. He could always tell her anything and she wouldn't laugh at him, or tell anyone. Now the only person who he could really talk to hated his guts. Chapter 38 Matt lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling, which he did half the time. He'd just talked to that girl, Lauren, for over an hour. She was pretty cool, and cute too he supposed. His friends thought she was cute, and were impressed that she seemed to like Matt. They asked if he was "gonna try to get in her pants." He'd just shrugged, but now he was thinking about it. It's not like he should be keeping himself available for Jen. Jen was fucked up. Everyone said so. Well, he had to admit he was still in love with her. But Lauren, Lauren was pretty cool. He thought about asking her out. But he didn't have a license, and he didn't want to deal with parents driving them if they went anywhere. That was babyish. He closed his eyes, wishing he had a girl with him. He was sick of being his own damn girlfriend. Yeah, he was gonna ask Lauren out, he decided. He was extra nice to her the next day in class. She smiled all the time while he talked to her. He was pretty sure she liked him, and one of her friends asked him if he liked her. He said he didn't know, and asked why. The friend said she was just wondering. Matt changed his mind, and said that he thought he liked her. And she called him again that night. He asked her straight up if she liked him. She giggled, and wouldn't tell him. She said she'd tell him in five minutes. So five minutes later he made her tell him. She said she did like him. Duh, thought Matt. "Will you go out with me?" he asked her. "Well, yeah! Sure!" she replied. "Cool. Because I really like you," he told her. "A lot. I've liked you since the beginning of the year." "Really? Why didn't you ever say anything Matt?" "Oh, I don't know," he said. "Maybe I was shy?" "Aww. . . Wow! Well, thanks! I've liked you a long time too, Matt. Since the beginning of last year." "Cool. Wow, this is cool." "Yeah. . . " They talked awhile longer. Matt felt good, even though he felt a bit guilty for lying to her. He didn't know why he'd said he'd liked her that long. He supposed it didn't matter now. Chapter 39 How long had she been with Kasey? A month? She couldn't remember. But was she really going out with him? She knew she'd look like a fool if she asked. She hadn't slept with him, although she almost had. They had made out a few times, more than a few. To be honest, he didn't seem all that interested in her actually. It hurt deep down, but she knew that maybe that was just his way, cool about everything, even love. Love? Echh, love was crap. Probably she couldn't ever experience love. Maybe what she had experienced with Ryan hadn't been love either. Really, she thought, anybody can be with anybody else, it's just nature. She felt guilty about how behind she was getting in school. Her parents were on her all the time, and she constantly told them to fuck off. She just didn't care about anything anymore, but part of her wanted to scream for an hour non-stop. Why hadn't she slept with Kasey yet? Probably the timing had always been wrong, they were always being interrupted. But there was a party that Friday night at his friend's house. Then he would probably realize how much she meant to him. I want him, she thought, closing her eyes. She tried to imagine sex with him, and planned on doing it Friday. ***** Kasey and his friends picked her up Friday evening, and they all started to drink as soon as they got to his friends house. He'd gotten three kegs, plus hard alcohol. She kept getting separated from him; every time she turned around he was gone. But she got drunker and drunker, wondering when he would just relax and they could go into a bedroom. Whenever she did see him she started kissing him, so out of it. He acted annoyed, not nearly as drunk as she. He kept telling her to sit down. She pouted, but he didn't notice. She felt stupid; pouting was something she would do with Ryan, kidding with him to get her way. Then she was annoyed at him, thinking what a fool he was to tell her to sit down when he could get laid instead. She felt numb as she sat on the couch by herself. She stared at nothing for a long while. Finally Jen forced herself to get up and find him after several minutes of telling her body to get up but remaining on the couch. Where was he? She looked for him everywhere, asking every one she saw if they had seen Kasey. Most of them had no idea who Kasey was, but finally she found his friend Jeremy. She grabbed his arm, trying to flirt though too drunk to really do anything right. "Where is he?" she demanded. "Where's who?" he asked, annoyed. "Kasey," she whined. He looked amused. "Oh, he's got some girl in my bedroom." She was stunned, standing there like a rock. "What?" she said. "What do you mean?" "I mean, he's got some girl in there! I don't know who she is. He's probably fucking her, who knows or cares." She stared at his chin, eye level with it. "What, what's your problem? You're drunk off your ass, that's what your problem is." She shook her head. "Take me home. I wanna go home." "What? I ain't fuckin' taking you home! Forget it." She still stood there in front of him. "What? Oh hey, you like Kasey?" She looked him in the eyes, feeling like the biggest fool on the planet. "No," she denied. "Ha ha, yes you do!" he laughed. "You like him! Well, I don't think he cares much about Hillary or whatever her name is, so if he's not too drunk you can be next!" "Fuck you," she muttered, walking away. She wanted to go home, but didn't even know where she was, and had no money for a cab. She sat back on the couch, determined not to cry as someone gave her another beer. Chapter 40 "What's up?" asked Corey. "Nuthin'," said Ryan. "Let's go out. There's a party tonight." "Oh yeah? Oh. I don't know. . . " "Come on! It'll be fun! It'll get your mind off Jen. It's supposed to be really good." He sighed. "Aright." So they went, finally. It took them forever to find out where it was. But finally they showed up, at half past eleven. It was huge, and a lot of people he didn't know were there. But there were some people who he knew. Like Jen. But Jen didn't see him. She couldn't, she was passed out on a couch. She was by herself, cuddled up in the corner of the couch. Her hair was different, but he recognized her instantly. She still looked beautiful. What could he do? He wasn't going to leave just because she was there. He looked around though, trying to find out who she was with. He wouldn't recognize Kasey if he saw him, but he didn't see any stray guys who seemed to be paying any attention to Jen. Ryan kept an eye on her for a couple of hours. She didn't wake up, and nobody went over to see her either. He wondered if she came by herself. He hadn't seen her car though, and they walked past a whole slew of cars. Then he saw a guy sitting down next to her, looking at her. The guy reached out and touched one of her braids. Ryan walked over immediately, wanting to see if it was Kasey or not. He wanted to see what the guy was like. The guy looked up at Ryan looking at him. He dropped her braid and inched away from her huddled figure. "Oh, sorry. Is she with you?" he asked Ryan guiltily. Ryan shook his head. "No. You don't know who she's with?" He shrugged. Some girl who was sitting in the chair spoke up. "She was with some guy but he left awhile ago. . . " "He left?" Ryan asked her. "Is he coming back?" "Uh, I don't think so. Why?" "Well, he left her here. . . What a nice guy. Something could happen to her!" The girl shrugged. "I don't know." Ryan looked down at Jen, sleeping there. He leaned down and shook her. "Jen, Jen wake up. . . " She opened one eye finally, then closed it, turning away from him. "Jen, how are you getting home?" "This is my home," she mumbled. She passed back out. "Ryan, what are you doing?" Corey asked, exasperated. "Dude, whoever she was with just left her here!" "Don't worry about it Ryan! You can't follow her around the rest of her life! Just leave her alone!" "I can't! I'm not following her around! I didn't know she was gonna be here! Listen, I gotta take her home. Look at her. She might wake up and try to drive for all we know. And no one's gonna try to stop her." Corey sighed. "Whatever. You know you're never gonna get over her if you keep obsessing about her. Next time we go somewhere and she's there passed out we're leaving her there, okay? She's the one who chooses to get fucked up in the first place. Besides, she's not your girlfriend anymore." "Fine," Ryan snapped. hurt by his friends words. "But tonight I'm gonna make sure she gets home. I'll come back for you later." "No. Don't worry about it," he sighed. "I'll get a ride. But," he told him seriously. "I'm serious, you gotta be careful. If she wakes up for a second and says she loves you and you believe it, it's gonna really hurt tomorrow when she doesn't remember anything about tonight, got it?" "Yeah, got it," Ryan said. He carried her carefully out to his car, putting her in the passenger seat without her waking up. He looked over at her from the driver's side. She'd been there so many times before. But that doesn't matter now, he thought. She just has to get home safely tonight. He drove towards her house in silence, keeping the radio off so as not to wake her up. It was weird turning onto her street, and getting out of the car to open the gate. He knew the codes for the security at her house, so he could get into her room. He wondered what he would do if she had changed them. Leave her on the doorstep? Nah, I'd take her to my house before I'd do that. Or Dana's, he thought. It felt weird, but he felt important, knowing he had a reason to be there. He carried her into her room quietly, secretly hoping she would wake up and be glad to see him. He laid her down on the bed. He noticed his notebook on her desk, open. She must have used his notes to study off of. He tried to feel angry, but couldn't, giving a smile instead as he thought of how much she struggled with physics. He needed the book though. This would save him the pain of getting it from her in person. A few weeks ago he would have been glad for an opportunity to go see her, hoping she would finally break and forgive him. But now he knew it wasn't going to happen. He looked back down at her. Should he undress her? He could. But should he? He stared at her. She would be pissed if she ever found out, and maybe wonder what else he had done to her. So he just took her shoes off, and covered her up with the blanket. He longed to climb into to bed next to her, kiss her goodnight, and switch off the lamp like before. He sank down onto his knees, looking at her sleeping there. He touched her hair, in braids. It was different, but he supposed he could get used to it. "I'm sorry, you know Jen," he whispered. She didn't wake up. He left. Chapter 41 Lauren was sort of annoying, Matt thought. He couldn't put it into words what was annoying about her, but it was just something there. She was just so young seeming. But she liked him a lot. She even wrote him notes, ending with "I love you." He wrote back that he loved her too, even though he felt sick as he wrote it. But he wasn't going to break up with her. He liked how much she liked him, and he knew he had the upper hand in the relationship. He felt proud that he wasn't "whipped." He wondered how much she would do for him. He decided to see if she was worth keeping around. He kept telling himself he didn't love her, and so it would be okay. If he did and she broke up with him, it would be like Jen all over again. So one day he gave her friend a note to give her after school, telling her to meet him in front of his classroom. She showed up, giving him a big kiss. "What's up?" she asked him. "Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something after school." "Don't you have track practice?" "Nah, I can skip it for once. I'd rather be with you." "Awwh, really? That's so sweet, Matt," she gushed, taking his hand. "What do you want to do? We can go to my house. My mom's probably home though. . . " "Well, we can go to my house. It's real close," he said. "Sure! Okay! I've never been to your house before." They walked home. He tried to walk quickly. He knew his parents would still be gone for awhile yet. He needed at least a few hours. "This is my house," he told her, walking up the driveway. "I like it." "Thanks." They went inside. She put her backpack down in the hall. "Are you hungry?" he asked her. "No, not really." He smiled. "Wanna see my room?" "Sure!" They went upstairs. He was praying. She sat on his bed, bouncing and giggling. Yes, he thought. He jumped next to her, trying to get himself to laugh alongside her. He leaned in and kissed her. She responded, kissing him back and putting her hands on his chest. He leaned on her, and she slid down on her back, so he lay on top of her. She slipped her hand into his pants, rubbing his hard dick. He touched her breasts, rubbing them over her bra as his hands traveled under her shirt. He kissed her for awhile, his brain screaming at him. They had made out before, but he felt different today. His blood surged through his veins, and his mind swam, knowing what he needed was at his fingertips, if he could just. . . "I really like you, Lauren," he breathed. "I-I feel like I've known you a long time. Longer than I have." "Really? Wow, Matt. I feel the same way!" "Will you let me make love to you?" he whispered, kissing her ear and her neck softly. She hesitated, but he could tell she liked the touch of his tongue. "I don't know. . . " "Have you done it before?" She shook her head. "But you have. I know you have, I heard so." "Yeah. But I wish I was still a virgin." "Really?" "Yeah. . . " He continued to kiss her for awhile, then finally said, praying it would go his way, "You don't have to if you don't want to. . . " She paused. Then she kissed him back. "Well, I think I love you Matt," she whispered. "I mean, I *know* I do." "I love you too. . . " He kissed her again, then kicked his shoes off. Standing up, he pulled his shirt off, rubbing her between her legs while she stared at him. He didn't care about modesty, he pulled his pants and underwear off too. His dick stood up straight in front of her. He lay back down on the bed, leading her hand once again to his dick. He kept kissing her, removing her shirt and bra. "Will you kiss me on my dick?" he whispered. She hesitated, then leaned in. He closed his eyes, and sighed as he felt her tongue against his sensitive member. "Yeah, that's right. . . " he groaned as she slowly licked it. "Suck it. . . " She tried to take it into her mouth, and he winced from her teeth scraping it. But she moved her mouth around it, up and down. He moaned. "Yeah. . . That's good." He let her work on him for awhile, then sat up, leaning in to kiss her. Breathing hard, she lay back, looking at him. He leaned over, kissing her breasts while he undid her jeans. He pulled them off, and her underwear. She lay there, her legs closed tight. Should he go down on her? He thought he should, but she didn't seem to want him to. He pulled the covers up over them while he lay on her again. He slipped his finger into her, thrilled that she was wet. He kissed her again, eyes closed, as he put his dick at her hole. He tried to get it in, to ease it in. He pushed against it. There we go, he thought, as it slid in the slightest bit. He still gripped the base, and he opened his eyes to look at her. She stared at him, her eyes wide. He tried to push it in more, he kept trying. It was going in, little by little. Finally it went in, and she screamed as her body ripped to allow him entrance. He sighed, thrusting in and out. She was crying, sobbing that it hurt. "Don't cry," he told her. "It'll feel better soon. . . " She sniffled, and he kissed her. He kept pumping into her. "Pull out," she told him. "Don't do it in me!" He nodded, disappointed though. He hadn't had to worry about that with Jen. "Aww yeah!" he groaned. "Yeah! That's good! Shit!" he gasped. He kept fucking her, as hard as he could. She was so tight. He couldn't remember if Jen had been this tight. Possibly. He hadn't been thinking about it when he was in her. He'd been thinking about how happy he was. Hell, I'm happy now, he thought. Fuck! He pulled out, grabbing her hand and making her pump his dick. She rubbed him up and down as he groaned, and shot his cum all over her stomach. He breathed hard, relaxing on her. "Wow, that was good Lauren." "Yeah, it hurt though. . . " she told him. "Yeah. It always does the first time for girls, you know." "Yeah, I guess." "Aren't you happy?" "Yeah, I am. I love you so much Matt," she whispered. "Yeah. I love you too, Lauren." Chapter 42 Jen was depressed still, hating her life and every aspect of it. She felt so alone. Dana didn't call her anymore, well, Jen had been rude to her when she had. Dana's solution to all Jen's problems was : "Get back together with Ryan!" Not, thought Jen. I'd rather go out with fucking Kasey than Ryan. Kasey was such a prick, she thought. She couldn't believe what a fool she had been. He had called her, but she had gathered up her self-esteem and refused to associate with him anymore. She didn't have anybody in her life anymore. Well, there was Danny who she still talked to. At least he cares about me, she thought painfully. Nobody else does. She felt guilty about what she had said to Matt that day, and the whole thing with him. She kept telling herself he didn't care anymore. It would be conceited to think otherwise, she thought. She had half a mind to call him, and ask him to come over. Just to see if he would do it. Should she? She was so lonely, maybe he would forgive her for being a bitch and come over. Her parents were gone that night, plus, she reasoned, it's not like she was going to sleep with him again. She began to get nervous as she looked up his number in the book. Then she calmed herself down, knowing how nice he was. Chapter 43 "Hello?" Matt asked. "Matt? It's Johanna, Lauren's friend." "Oh, hi." "Why are you being such a prick to Lauren?" "What? I'm not." "You're suck a jerk, I swear. You take her virginity and tell her you love her, and then treat her like this! You never talk to her and you don't call her anymore! Don't you like her?" "Um, she's nice." "You're a jerk, aren't you?" "No. You can think what you want, I don't care." "Well don't you care what Lauren thinks?" "Um, not especially." "Oh my God! You are such a jerk, Matt!" Johanna hung up on him. Oops, Matt thought. He did care what Lauren thought about him. He did, he just, he didn't know. He guessed he didn't like her much anymore. Of course, he told himself, he had been using her all along. He hadn't ever cared about her. But he knew he had, though he tried to push that thought out of his mind. Nobody could tell him what to do, not Lauren or Johanna. Even his parents were idiots. So maybe he had used her, so what. People used each other everyday. Jen had used me, he thought bitterly. She used me to piss Ryan off. They're both bitches, he thought angrily. Then he began to get sad, knowing he loved one of those bitches, the one he couldn't have. The phone rang again. "Hullo?" he asked. "Matt?" said a female voice, a voice he knew very well. "Yeah?" he replied, trying to pretend he didn't know it was her. Maybe it wasn't, he thought. "Um, it's Jen. How are you?" "Um, fine." "That's good." "How are you?" he asked back, his heart pounding so loudly he could barely hear. "Aright. So, what's up?" "Nothing." "Yeah, me neither." "Really? Nothing exciting for you on a Friday night?" "Nah, nothing goin' on. You're not doing anything either?" His heart raced. Why was she calling him? Did she like him? "Um, no, nothing." "Hmm. . . So, how you been?" "Fine." "Yeah. . . Um, you don't live that far from me, do you wanna come over?" Was she kidding? Was this some sort of a joke? He wondered if maybe she hated him and there were some guys waiting there to beat him up. "Well, why?" he asked. She paused. "Oh, I don't know. I'm bored I guess. If you don't want to I don't care. I'm just bored," she repeated. "Well. . . " he hesitated. "Sure, I mean, I'm really bored too." "Well, that's cool. Cool, you know where I live right?" "Yeah, I know! When?" "Um, I don't care. Now is fine. Whenever." "Okay, I'll be over in awhile," he told her casually. "Aright, I'll see you in a bit." "Aright. Bye." "Bye." He hung up, grinning. He was so happy, she didn't hate him, and she wanted to hang out with him. That must mean she liked him, just as a friend at least. ***** "Hey, come in. What's up?" Jen asked him, opening the door to let him in. Matt felt weird, so weird to be in her house again, and to see her so relaxed, barefoot as they went into the living room. "I was just watching TV," she told him as she laid down on the couch. He nodded, dumbstruck for a minute as he sat next to her. "What are you watching?" he asked. "Jeffersons," she said, smiling at him. He laughed, relaxing. "Well, I guess I should apologize," she told him, putting the TV on mute. "I'm sorry what I said that day. I didn't mean it." "Oh." He felt awkward, like he should apologize too. But he didn't have anything to apologize for. He knew that. She sat up, scooting in next to him. She looked him in the eyes. "I mean it. I was a bitch to say that, and I hope you forgive me." "I forgive you," he told her, then looked away. He did forgive her of course. Like he could stay mad at her! "Yeah?" she said, giving him another smile. She was so close to him, her face was right there. She wanted him to kiss him, he thought. She's horny and that's why she invited me over. He nodded, saying gruffly, "Yeah. . . " Then he leaned in closer to her, and she didn't pull away. His mouth searched for hers as his eyes closed, and he hungrily kissed her, his tongue touching hers. Then she pulled away, and he wanted to die on the spot. "Matt," she sighed. He wished he was dead. God, why do I do this shit? he thought, angry at himself for being such a fool. He was so angry. "What?" he asked sullenly, not looking at her. "Matt," she whined, trying to be cute, he thought. "What?" he snapped, annoyed. "Why the fuck did you invite me here?" She looked surprised. "Matt, what? You think that's why I invited you here? I just wanted to apologize, then hang out!" He still didn't look at her. "Yeah," he muttered. "I mean it! What, oh, that's why you came over, huh? Just to fuck me? Oh, how nice, thank you," she said sarcastically, sounding hurt. "No," he sighed. "That's not why. I-I just thought you wanted it." "Why?" she said, annoyed. "Wait, you did think that's why I invited you here." He paused. "Well, I wanted to make you happy I guess." "Oh, don't give me that!" she snapped, angry. "Man, why'd you have to do that? My life sucks, and I was lonely, and all you want is to get off again. Well thanks but no thanks." He shook his head. "That's not true! No, I mean, forget it. I just thought that is what you wanted, but it's not what I wanted." "Oh, yeah, bullshit," she countered. "That's all you want, just to get laid. That's the only thing you ever wanted from me," she accused, knowing that wasn't true but feeling all the more sorry for herself. "That is not! That's not true at all!" he cried, hurt and angry at the same time. She didn't answer him. "It's not! I swear it. I didn't even want to do it then, you know that? I just, I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to be there for you," he said honestly, though trying to sound as sensitive as possible. "Well then you're a real fool if you did it and you didn't want to!" she told him. It was like a slap in the face. He had been being honest, and told her what he had finally figured out after weeks and weeks of pain. He stood up. "Fine, I don't care anyway," he told her. "Oh, you're gonna fucking leave. You've been here ten minutes and you're gonna leave. Wait, come on, I want you to stay. Come on, Matt, don't be pissed!" He ignored her, feeling cold as he continued toward her front door. He considered yelling something back to her, about what a bitch she was or whatever to get the last word, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead he just left. continued. . . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi. If you reply to this message, your message WILL be *automatically* anonymized and you are allocated an anon id. Read the help file to prevent this. 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