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@BEGIN_FILE_ID.DIZ Chapter 44@END_FILE_ID.DIZ "Will you just leave me alone?" snapped Ryan. "God! I'm just trying to help," responded Darius. "Well you're not helping, okay? You're just fucking making it worse! I don't want another girlfriend right now. I don't want another girlfriend!" "What, are you gonna spend the rest of your life alone because of Jen? How about when she invites you to her wedding? Are you gonna bring a date or will you still be hoping she comes back to you? Wake up, Harper! She's not gonna come back to you!" "I don't think she is, aright! But maybe I don't want another girlfriend right now! And you're bugging me about this Jody chick. So fucking knock it off, will ya?" "God. It's just that Jen's getting on with her life, and it just bugs me to see you all by yourself and lonely and shit." "I'm not by myself and lonely. I've got enough fucking friends! Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't fucking make me lonely." "Aright! I mean, I know it sucks and stuff, but you should just consider asking someone to Prom just as a friend. You gotta go, man. It won't be Prom if you're not there." "No. I don't want to go. I will not be going so why don't you just drop it. You've been on my ass since the minute Jen was out the door," Ryan said angrily. "Don't you even fucking understand?" "Sure, I understand. I told you, I know it sucks." "You know what Darius, I don't think you do understand. You've never given a shit about anybody. You've never been in love, you know that? You don't even know what love is." "Man, fuck you. Why do ya gotta get so personal?" "Because we're talking about personal shit here! And you can't tell me what to do, because we're not in your territory here. You don't know shit about love or loss or anything because you've never even loved. And I'm sick of your shit and you ragging on Jen all the time, like it's supposed to make me feel better if you call my ex-girlfriend a slut or something. So why don't you go out and get some knowledge about the world and a real fucking relationship and then you can come back and maybe I'll listen to you." "Fuck off Harper. You're so fucking sorry you don't even know how sorry you are. Fuck you!" Darius told him, hanging up. "No, fuck you!" Ryan yelled as he hung up the phone. "Goddamn fucking prick," he muttered. Will came running in without knocking, Robby chasing him. "Ryan!" Will whined. "Robby took the remote control and he won't let me watch what I was watching first! I was there first!" "Yeah, and then you hit me you little baby!" yelled Robby, pushing him. Will pushed him back, knocking him against the chair, which fell over. Ryan's books fell onto the floor, his binder opening and papers spilling out. "Look what you fucking did!" he screamed at his brothers. "Get out of my room!" "Stupid brat!" Robby yelled at Will, kicking him in the legs. "You're the brat!" cried Will. "You're both brats!" Ryan yelled. "I told you, get the fuck out of my room!" "I'm not a brat!" Will cried. "Yes you are! Now get out! I never said you could come in here! Get out before I throw you out!" "I hate you Ryan!" Will yelled at him as he ran out. "Good! I hate you too!" Ryan yelled back. "Dumb brats!" he yelled at them as he slammed his door. God! He picked his books up off the floor and threw them on his bed. He stared down at his physics notebook, the one he had gotten from Jen's house after he had taken her home that time. He looked at it, his heart skipping a beat as his eyes ran over Jen's handwriting. "Wyan is da best," it said. "Jen wuvs Wyan." His eyes filled with tears as he remembered it was old, written one time when he was over there and they were studying. He picked up the notebook and threw it against the wall, papers flying out. It felt good to throw it. But not good enough. He picked up his math book, a heavy bound book, and threw it at the wall as hard as he could. It made a satisfying thud. He picked up his physics book, and threw it at the wall. He threw all his books, even his small paperback English books, against the wall. He was on such a high, his anger causing his blood to race through his veins. He felt like driving his car 100 mph, crashing into a brick wall or off a cliff. He imagined his car exploding as it rolled down the cliff, a fiery ball. He jumped on his bed, scattered with papers, and buried his head in his pillow. He screamed as loud as he could until he went hoarse. Chapter 45 Danny had his spring break, and he came back down to his old neighborhood. He of course stopped to see Jen. He was worried about her anyway, he knew she was upset. Jen was thrilled. She hadn't seen Danny in awhile, since the last time he returned to their town. Maybe a year. But they had kept in touch and had become quite good friends since his letter. Now she was thinking about him again. He was still good looking, extremely sexy. She remembered kissing him during their brief romance. Before Ryan. She remembered the time he had kissed her when she had been with Ryan, remembering what his lips felt like against hers. She thought about having sex with him. She tried to picture them in her bed. God she wanted him. God, she was horny. This was the longest she's gone without sex since she had first done it. Danny didn't have sex much, he'd only done it with one girl last year. She got more and more excited thinking about that night, knowing how great it was going to be. When he came over she gave him a huge hug, pulling him into her house and squeezing him tight. He looked the same, although he commented on her different appearance. She shrugged, saying her hair was easier to take care of like that. He told her she looked nice. He had brought Chinese food for them, and they sat on her floor and ate it while watching a movie. Jen was feeling the intensity, and wondered if he felt it too. He could try something and she wouldn't turn him down. She wondered if he knew that. Maybe she should make the first move. Why not? she thought. She would wait for a lull in the movie. She stood up to get something else to drink, using that as an excuse to sit nearer to him when she came back. She sat right next to him, closer than she had been before. Her leg was touching his. She stared straight ahead at the television, but she could see him looking at her out of the corner of her eye in the dark room. She looked over at him, and they looked at each other. She smiled. He smiled back. She leaned in and touched his face, still smiling. She leaned in further, eyes closed, and kissed him on the lips. He kissed her back, opening his mouth as she moved even closer to him. She straddled his lap where he sat, leaning against the foot of her bed. They continued to kiss. She gasped slightly from the pressure of his hardness between her legs. She was so turned on then, he was just so masculine, so hard. She stood up slowly, taking his hand to pull him up too. She lay back on her bed, and he stared down at her. She pulled off her T-shirt, trying to look as sexy as possible. "Comere. . . " she told him with a smile, patting the bed next to her. He inched towards her, then stopped, still looking at her. Her smile faded. He looked away. "What's the matter?" she asked him. He shrugged. "Nothing's the matter. It's just that, I don't think we should." Jen lay there, stunned. She hadn't considered he wouldn't want her. She sat up, not looking at him. "Oh." "Jen, I mean, I *want* to do it, but, you know." She didn't answer, pulling her shirt back on. She felt like such a fool. "Jen! Come on," he said, sitting on the bed. He hugged her affectionately. She tried not to cry, shrinking away from him. "We would regret it. I don't want to lose your friendship." "We wouldn't regret it," she muttered. "We would still be friends." "Jen. You know that's not true. I don't even live here. I have to go back in a few days." "So?" she said sullenly. "So?" He paused, looking at her. "Is that what you want? Sex with someone without a relationship? Doesn't sound like the Jen I know. . . " "Well maybe you don't know me," she told him. He looked hurt. "Don't be like that! What, you want me to fuck you now? And then leave?" She fought back tears. "No, I didn't mean that. Just, now I feel like an idiot," she muttered. "Hey, don't feel like an idiot. I mean, believe me, I *want* to. I really, *really* want to," he laughed. She gave him a smile. "So don't feel rejected or whatever. Because trust me, it's not that at all." She nodded, her face crumpling as she started to cry. "Oh, Jen," he said, hugging her tightly. "Don't cry." "My life sucks," she sobbed into his arm. God, it felt so good to be held. "It sucks." "It'll get better. Hey my life sucks too, aright?" "Not as much as my life sucks," she sobbed. "You'd be surprised! See, you don't want sex, do you?" She shook her head. "No. . . I want love. I want you to love me. I want everyone to love me," she cried. "So does everyone. And everyone that knows you loves you." She shook her head. "No. Lots of people hate me." "Nobody hates you. And if they do they're losers. 'Cause if they know you then they have to love you." "Ryan hates me," she sobbed. "I doubt that," he told her. "And-and Matt, that freshman that I screwed over, he hates me too! I used him," she sobbed. "I'm such a bitch. And Ryan beat him up. And I told him I loved him and I didn't!" He didn't know what to say. "Well, nobody's perfect Jen." "I'm a slut." "You're not a slut. If you're a slut than I'm a slut because I would have sex with anything that moves. Except those who I might lose their friendship," he added. She nodded. "I'm the ho of the world." He laughed at her phrase. "That would look good on a business card." She laughed. "I just wanna be happy," she told him, still crying. "So do I." "I wish my life didn't suck." "So do I!" They sat there for a long while, talking. He comforted her and she cried. Finally he had to leave, but they were much closer than they had been before. They were much closer than they would have been had they had sex, and both realized this. After he left Jen stood in her bathroom looking at her image in the mirror. She thought about how much she loved Danny, as a friend. She wondered what would have happened if they had never broken up. She wondered what would have happened if she had never met Ryan. She thought about both of those things. She stared at her reflection. She picked up a lock of her hair and slowly unbraided it. Chapter 46 Ryan pulled into his driveway, Robby in the passenger seat next to him. Neither said anything. He stopped the car but didn't turn off the ignition. Robby didn't get out, just sat there. "Um, I'll be back later," he told him. Robby looked at him. "Where are you going?" Ryan shrugged. "I'll be back." Robby unbuckled his seat belt and slowly got out of the car. Ryan watched him as he disappeared into the house. He felt numb as he backed out of the driveway. He felt helpless, like a child. Hollow, that's how he felt. ***** Jen was tired, but she couldn't go to sleep yet. She still had four chapters to do for math, plus at least three hours of work in English. She'd been up late the night before doing her physics. She hated physics. She wished she still had Ryan's notes. She'd lost them, she figured. She had had a dream that Ryan came and took them away in the middle of the night, but she didn't think about it much; she only bothered to be annoyed that she'd lost them. She'd gotten behind in all her classes, but her teachers were all sympathetic. She had always been a good student, and they were going to let her make up her work. She told herself she could do it, kept prodding herself along as she wanted to give up. She looked over at a pile of large envelopes on her desk, ripped from when they had been opened. Pleased to tell her that she had been accepted. Accepted. Accepted. And the reply had been the same from the school where Ryan was going. Accepted. That had been what she had wanted. It was a great school, and a huge school. But she couldn't go there. It was impossible now. But her second choice was just as good, even more prestigious actually, though it was smaller. And it was out of state. She tried to picture her dorm, her roommate a faceless figure welcoming her. She thought of the things she would put on her wall. Pictures of Dana, and her parents, and Danny, and Melissa. Dana--her best friend. She knew Dana, she hoped she'd accept her apology, no problems. The other people she had hurt with her attitude, Melissa, and her parents, she hoped they would forgive her as well. She knew Melissa she could just call one day, it's not like she had ever fought with any of her friends really; she had just sort of been ignoring them for Kasey's crowd for awhile. She knew who her true friends were. But Matt, she'd hurt Matt. She promised herself she would talk to him, *really* talk to him, before she left. She would always feel horrible for the way she had treated him, and how much she must have hurt him. She vowed again to apologize to him before she left. Before she left--she thought about that again. Her mind wandered back to her new home, and all the people she would meet. No boyfriend to worry about across the country, no worrying if he had found someone better. But another image crept into her mind, a faceless guy, maybe one who lived across the hall from her. She imagined watching movies in his room, and studying with him as they groaned about their professors. She smiled, starting to get excited. See, she told herself, aren't you glad you never killed yourself? That would have been so lame, she thought. My life is just beginning. She tried to picture herself married, to yet another faceless guy. She imagined herself in the grocery store, maybe running into her old high school boyfriend, Ryan Harper. They would be cordial, and talk about their jobs and their spouses. And their kids. Then she would go home to her family. See, she thought again, my life is just beginning. She forced herself back to her work, pushing thoughts she didn't want to hear out of her head. Jen took a break from studying to watch The Late Show and get something to eat. She was sitting on her couch eating cereal when she saw headlights through the curtains and heard a motor. Her heart skipped a beat. She returned her gaze to the television screen. She wasn't going to go running out the door for him. She took a few more bites. The doorbell hadn't rung. Hmm, she thought. The gate was open, maybe it was just someone turning around in her driveway. She finished her cereal. She watched TV some more, still wondering about the headlights and the motor she had heard. She had to return to her studying anyway. She got up and peeked through the kitchen window. Sure enough, it was there, a very familiar blue Bronco. She squinted, and saw him. He was still sitting in his car, his head on the steering wheel. For a second she wondered if he was hurt. Nah he couldn't be. He was still sitting there. But she didn't go out to see him. She went back down and sat on the couch, her mind spinning. But wait a minute, she thought. This is my house, he's in my driveway. I have more than a right to see why he is here and what he wants. It doesn't mean I'm crawling back to him. She went back to the window, wondering if maybe he had driven away without her knowing. No, he was still there. She opened the front door, shivering from the cold night air. He didn't look up as she walked around his car to the driver's side door. He still didn't look up as she stood there. She rapped on the window and said his name. He sat up, looking at her slowly. She made a motion for him to roll down the window. He did, his eyes swollen and red. She tried to keep her cool. "What's up?" she asked. It came out gently. He looked down at his hands on the steering wheel. He shook his head. "Why are you here?" Ryan paused. "I-I can't," he croaked. "Can't what?" God, it felt weird to talk to him again. "Say it," he told her, looking at her. "I'm not here to try to make you come back to me Jen, so you know," he added. "Yeah?" He nodded. He looked up at the roof of his car. "It's not me, it-it's Will." "Will?" she asked, startled. "What's the matter with Will?" He shook his head, crying again as he put his head back down on the wheel. She opened the door. "Come on, get out. Tell me!" He got out slowly, then stood there not looking at her as she closed the door. "What happened to Will?" she demanded. "Is he okay?" He shrugged, crying too hard to speak. She was frustrated, but scared. She was scared to death right then. "Is he okay?" she repeated. "They don't know!" he blurted out. "He got hit by a car Jen," he sobbed. "On his skateboard. They don't know if he's gonna make it. . . " "Oh my God," she said, as her eyes filled with tears. Not Will. He put his face in his hands, sobbing, "You're my best friend, Jen. I need you, you're my best friend. I don't care if you hate me but I need you now. . . " She could barely see him as she reached for him awkwardly, taking him in her arms. His strong arms went around her as they stood in her driveway hugging each other, crying. "No, come in," she told him. "I don't care." He followed her into her house, and they stopped in the foyer, where she held him again. He was crying so hard he could barely stand up. "He's my little brother," he sobbed. "What am I gonna do if my little brother dies?" Jen was crying too hard to answer, she just shook her head, meaning that Will would be all right. They went into her room where he sat on her bed, his face in his hands. She sat next to him, hugging him. "He'll be okay," she whispered. "He's such a strong kid." He just kept crying, wiping his eyes. "He is. He is such a tough kid. He'll make it, he will." "I love that kid Jen. I love that kid," he cried. "I know you do. I love him too." "He can't die," he whispered. "We just gotta pray, and wish for the best. He's gotta make it!" "I told him-I told him I hated him Jen!" he sobbed. "The other day I called him a brat! I said I hated him!" "He knows you love him, Ry. He knows you were just mad." She was still crying herself. "He-he said, 'I *hate* you Ryan!'" he recalled. "And I said-I said. . . " he sobbed. "I said, 'Good! I hate you too!'" "I told you, he knows you love him, so stop thinking about that. You know he didn't mean it, and he knows you didn't mean it. So stop thinking about it, huh? It won't do any good. Just-just think positive." "What am I gonna do if he dies though?" "You can't think that! Stop saying that!" she told him. "He won't die." He nodded, wiping his eyes with the Kleenex Jen gave him. "I promised him I'd take him to the batting cages for his birthday. I never did," he told her. "You will. You still will." He shook his head. "I said I would do it on his birthday. Just the two of us. And I said I couldn't. 'Cause I was too-'cause I couldn't do it. But I could have," he whispered. "I just didn't." "Ryan, look at me. You and your brother, both your brothers, have a *great* relationship. He knows you love him. You can't sit here and think of all the times you teased each other or hit each other or how in 1988 you ate his piece of cake on purpose or whatever, got it? Because none of that stuff matters, 'cause you guys have a great relationship." He nodded, sighing. "I love him." "Good. I love him too." "You-you wouldn't believe. He looked so awful Jen," he sobbed. "He had this big bandage on his head and he was connected to this machine and it was so awful. He just looked so *little*. So little." She held him to her on the bed. "I know," she told him. "He's like my little brother, too," she cried. She began to cry harder than him, and they both lay there holding each other crying. They cried for awhile, sometimes saying something about Will and how strong he was, or how good of a kid he was. But they cried about other stuff inside, each getting out a lot of tears that had been held back recently, despite the copious amounts that had already flowed. Soon it wasn't about Will anymore as they lay there. "Oh Jen," he whispered finally. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please!" She didn't say anything, just lay there in his arms. "I never meant it. I can't believe I could ever have done anything like that to my darling. I am so sorry." "I slept with him, Ryan. It won't be the same," she cried. "It's not the same." "I don't care! I don't care at all about that! It was my fault, I'm such an asshole. I don't even deserve to be here with you." "It's not that. It, no, I don't know. . . " "I love you Jennifer Marie Halleran." She sat up, sniffling. He still lay there, wiping tears away. She sat on the edge of the bed, silent. She got up suddenly, walking to her dresser drawer and opening it slowly. She stood there awhile, and he lacked the energy to get up or even ask what she was doing. She walked back to him, staring down at him, her eyes as red as his. Sitting next to him on the bed she held out her fist, then slowly opened it. He looked down at her open palm. In it lay a diamond ring. He stared at it, eyes wide, then reached for it, not believing it was really there. He took it, looking at it in disbelief. He looked up. "How? What, did you get the pipes opened or something?" She shook her head. "I-I never did it. I never flushed it. I just pretended I did." He stared at her. "I put it in my pocket," she told him. He kept staring at her. "I'm sorry," he whispered, crying. "I couldn't do it," she said, crying again too. "I was mad, but I couldn't do it still." He looked down at the ring in his hand. "The past few weeks have been hell, Jen." She didn't say anything. "Jen, please. . . " he said softly. She bit her lip, then fell towards him as she sobbed. He held her to him tightly as they both cried. "Ryan, I love you," she cried. "I've never loved anybody else." "Oh God, baby, I love you. You're my life Jen. I need you back. Please come back." She nodded on his shoulder, crying too hard to speak. Chapter 47 Matt's life was just getting worse by the day, he thought. He wished he had never tried to kiss Jen again. Why couldn't he just realize that it wasn't going to happen? It was such a painful thought though, giving up on her. Plus he felt horrible about what he had done to Lauren. One time during the class they had together she ran out of the room, crying. Her friends all looked at him. What could he do? It's not my fault, he had thought. She wanted it too. But he knew he had taken advantage of her. And it wasn't him, he didn't want it like that. Maybe that's why he couldn't face her. It just wasn't his style, as much as he hated that expression. His life was just so empty. Jen hated him. Lauren hated him. His friends were assholes. He wasn't friends at all with Mike anymore. Mike hung out with a different crowd now. His other friends were dorks. He thought about one day when he had seen Jen during lunch. He hadn't seen her in awhile. She was studying by herself in the library. She had taken all of her braids out and was dressed nicer. She looked up suddenly and caught his eye as he was staring at her from across the library. She didn't look away, but he did. Then he walked away. He wondered what it meant, if anything. He looked at the phone, thinking about calling her, but quickly ruled that out. No way. And he didn't have the energy to crank call her, plus, what if she had gotten her phone tapped to find out who had done it? That would be so humiliating. He thought about his friends. They were so impressed with the fact that he had "nailed Lauren." They laughed at her. What jerks. No wonder they never had any damn sex, he thought. He wished he had friends like Jen had. Jen had great friends he knew, or she had before she went wacko. Well, it wasn't fair for him to say she had gone wacko. After all, he was totally out of the loop anyway. He wasn't a part of her life one bit. He wondered about when he went away to college. The way it stood now he didn't have any friends that he would actually want to keep in touch with. He didn't have a girlfriend either. Probably all the girls hated him, too. After all, Lauren was really popular, and all her friends thought he was scum. He wished he could move away, and start over, but that wasn't likely. Plus he was bracing himself for when Jen moved away. It didn't matter how much of a bitch he said she was, he still loved her. He always would, he knew. He still thought about her constantly, and still pictured them together. He knew it was ridiculous, but he still couldn't help it. At least now he had the option of seeing her around, but when she moved away he wouldn't *ever* talk to her again. He wondered what it would be like next year, all the time wondering where she was and what she was doing. She wouldn't ever be thinking about Matt, except to remind herself of what a mistake he had been, he thought, if that. I'm just a mistake, he thought, his face crumpling as he began to cry. She'll always be my first and I'll just be a fucking mistake, he thought. A knock came on his door. Fuck, he thought, wiping his eyes on his pillowcase. "What?" he asked. His mom came in. "Matt, th- what's the matter?" she asked, seeing his eyes red. "Nothing!" he told her. She paused. "Well, someone's here to see you." "Who is it?" he asked. Maybe it's Jen! "It's Lauren." "Oh." Lauren? he thought disappointedly. "Yeah, come down and see her." "No. Tell her to come up here," he told her, nervous about his parents eavesdropping. His mom started to protest, but he interrupted, "We're not gonna do anything, God Mom!" She sighed, leaving while he hurriedly wiped his eyes again, praying she couldn't tell he had been crying. He lay on his bed, trying to look casual. He heard her coming up the stairs, his heart racing. He stared down at his book until he heard her knock on his open door. He looked up, then sat up. "Hi," he said. She walked in, looking nervous. She looked around, then closed his door. "I just wanted to tell you," she began, "that I think what you did to me really fucking sucks!" He sat there, stunned. "I'm sorry," he told her, honestly. "No you're not!" she told him, her eyes flashing with anger. "You're so damn selfish it isn't even funny. I thought you were cool, but now I see that you're just a jerk. You wouldn't even return my calls, so I had to come over here myself to tell you that. That's all I wanted to say," she broke off, her voice wavering. "No, wait. Don't leave," he said, jumping up. "Why?" she demanded, angry. "What? You just wanna fuck me again?" She started to cry. "No, Lauren, I'm sorry!" he insisted. "I am, I mean it. Really." "Oh, yeah Matt!" she cried. "Matt, wanna make love?" she said, imitating him sarcastically. That hurt him. That had been what Jen had said to him. "No!" he said. "No, I'm serious. I am sorry, really I am." She shook her head. "I was so stupid to think you were cool." "I'm sorry," he told her simply. "That's all I can say. I wish you would believe me, 'cause if I had to do it all over again I never would have done that to you. Honest, Lauren." "Oh yeah?" she asked him. "Why? You got a fuck." "No, I don't care about that. Because, then it was different, and you were gone. . . " he told her, just now realizing that he had missed her. "Yeah, you were different and *made* me gone!'" "It was different. . . " he repeated awkwardly, not having planned out anything to ever say to her as an explanation. "You made it different." She looked at him. "Were you crying? Why are your eyes all red?" she demanded. "No, I was sleeping," he lied. She kept looking at him, knowing he was lying. "Why were you crying?" she asked him quietly. He looked away, shrugging. "I dunno. My life sucks I guess." "Really?" she asked, sounding touched by his tears. Then she got angry again. "Oh, like mine doesn't! You're not really sorry." "Yes I am!" "No you're not!" she insisted, bursting into tears again. She sat down on his bed, sobbing. Matt didn't know what to do. He looked around his room, so unused to having a girl in it. He was sorry, but he knew she probably wouldn't ever believe him. He looked at her, amazed that someone was this hurt, over *him*. Looking around his room again, he spotted something on his dresser and got up, on an impulse. He picked up the glass long-stemmed rose, which he had gotten from a glassblower at Disneyland a few years back, out of the mug he kept it in. He walked back over to her, holding it out in front of her. She was still crying, her face in her hands. He felt like a fool holding it there while she ignored him. He touched her shoulder, and she looked up slowly, wiping her eyes. "What's that?" she asked him, sniffling. He shrugged, feeling even more like a fool. He had thought it might make her feel better, like maybe it was the sort of gesture a girl would appreciate. He didn't know, he didn't know anything about girls, he thought. "It's for you," he told her. She took it, bursting into tears again while she looked down at it. "I-I guess I'd get you a real one if I could," he told her. "I'll get you a real one tomorrow," he added. She continued crying, her makeup smeared around her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. "Nah, don't say thank you to me. I'm a jerk. I told you I'm sorry. I mean it, I really do," he said, sitting next to her. "Oh, Matt. . . " she cried. He took her in his arms, hugging her while she sobbed on his shoulder. It felt kinda nice, he thought. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't know how to act. Will-will you give me a second chance?" he asked. "I mean, you don't have to." She pulled away, wiping her eyes again with her free hand, the other still holding the glass rose. "I don't know," she said. "I am sorry. And I never lied when I said I really liked you," he told her. He realized how easily she could remind him of how he had lied when he had said he loved her, so much worse. But she didn't. Lauren just looked at him sadly. She sighed, then gave him a small smile. "My friends are gonna kill me," she told him. "But, okay. . . " He grinned at her, giving her another hug. They laughed as he was careful of not breaking the flower she held between them. "Good, let's start over," he smiled at her. "You know, I understand if you don't want to be with me again." She shrugged. "We'll see. But you're right, let's just start over. I'm a virgin," she laughed. He hugged her again. Chapter 48 "Jen!" exclaimed Karen. "Hi, how are you?" she asked, surprised to see her. Jen smiled, leaning over to give Ryan's mother a hug as she sat in the chair. "Fine," she told her. "Wish I could say the same, but. . . " Karen told her with a sad smile. "He'll be okay," Jen said positively. "We're praying," Karen told her. "Where's Robby?" she asked Ryan. "He's at home. He'll be okay," he answered. "Where's Dad?" "He's getting coffee for us." "Oh." Ryan sat down in the chair in the waiting room. Jen sat next to him, tired, but deep down feeling a rush of adrenaline that she was with him again. She looked around the room, hating the sight of the shiny linoleum floors and the feel of the chair beneath her. "Ryan, I wished you would have stayed with Robby," his mother told him. "I don't like the thought of him home alone right now." "Well, I wanted to be here. He'll be okay by himself." She didn't answer, instead looking over as her husband came back with the Styrofoam cups of hot coffee. JR seemed very surprised to see Jen. "Well hullo there Jen," he said, sitting down. "How are you?" She smiled, shrugging. "Yeah, me too," he told her, pouring sugar into his cup. "You want something to eat?" Ryan asked her, getting up. "I'm kinda hungry." It seemed a millennium ago that she had eaten that cereal. "Yeah, kinda." "Where's the food?" he asked his dad. His dad told him. "You stay here?" Ryan asked her, looking at the tired figure in the chair. She nodded, and he smiled at her as he walked away. She looked over at his parents across from her. "So, how is he?" she asked them. "Well," said JR. "He's still unconscious which isn't really a good sign. He's also hemorrhaging--bleeding--in his brain, and he's got some extra fluid in there which they had to drain. He's got a nasty bump on the head you could say. . . " he told her wryly. "He's very strong," she told him. "He can pick me up anyways," she smiled. "But he'll be okay. I'm sure of it." He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "So, long time no see huh Jen?" She smiled shyly. JR smiled at her back. "That's aright. We really appreciate you being here," he told her. "We do," agreed his wife. "You know you're like family." "Thanks," she said. "Ryan took Robby home," Karen told her husband. "I think he'll be okay by himself for awhile." JR nodded. "Ryan didn't want to stay at home," he said, thinking out loud. "No. That's okay." She added to Jen, "Ryan feels guilty you know." "Why?" Jen asked. "Oh, he thinks he should have picked him up at baseball practice." She shook her head. "He's never picked him up at baseball practice," she said, rolling her eyes as if to say, "That's Ryan for you." "Well, it's not his fault." "Yeah, you know the driver was here for awhile too. He brought him some flowers; we put them in his room. He feels really bad too. It wasn't his fault," she told her. "Oh really?" Jen had been wondering about that. "Yeah, looks like it was Will's fault," she sighed. "Anyway, he came by with his wife. Very nice man." Jen nodded, thinking. She stared down at the pattern on the floor, her vision blurring as her eyes filled with tears. She didn't see the doctor walk into the little alcove. She jumped when she heard him talk to Ryan's parents, her heart racing. "Well, your son's conscious," he told them. His mom breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down into her chair. "Thank God," said JR. "He's still needs to be in the ICU. He's still got more fluid in his skull that we need to worry about." "Can we see him?" asked Karen, standing up. "Yes, but just for a moment." "Ryan's not back yet," Jen noticed. "I'll go get him. I have to tell him!" She walked briskly down the hall in the direction where JR had said the vending machines were. She rounded the corner and nearly bumped into him, carrying bags of chips and sodas. She grabbed his arm. "Ryan, he woke up! Will woke up!" His face lit up. "What'd they say? Is he gonna be okay?" "I think so," she told him as they raced towards his room. "I don't know but I think so." They went into his room. Ryan had been right, Will looked horrible. He was very pale and not smiling at all, the only one in the room not wearing a huge grin. "My head hurts," he muttered. A chill ran down her spine as she looked into his eyes, the whites red with blood. She gave him a hug, gently. "Hi Jen," he said. He closed his eyes. "Hi Will. You better be okay," she told him. "We have some serious unfinished Sega business. . . " He nodded. "Where's my board?" he asked suddenly, opening his eyes. "Don't worry, your board has been rescued," said Ryan. Karen was crying, holding his hand as she sat in the chair next to his bed. "You feeling okay, honey?" she asked. He shook his head. "I know, baby, I know," his mom whispered, rubbing his hand. Jen tried not to cry but couldn't help it. Ryan hugged her, his chin resting on her head as she choked back sobs. Even JR was blinking back tears. "Why's Jen crying?" she heard Will ask. She pulled away from Ryan, wiping her eyes. "'Cause I'm happy I guess," she told him, sniffling. "Well don't cry Jen," he muttered. "Only sad people cry." She nodded, smiling down at him in the bed. Ryan wrapped his arms around her, pulling him to her again. "I hafta go to the bathroom!" Will whined. "You guys hafta leave!" They laughed, Ryan and Jen walking out of the room. They stood in the hall, and he hugged her again. She closed her eyes, leaning against him and melting in his strong arms. God it felt good to be with him again. It was so right, there was no way she could deny that. Finally she pulled back. Ryan was crying too. "He's gonna be okay!" she whispered, smiling at him. He nodded. "I know." He reached out and wiped her tears away with his cuff. "I know he is. . . " He nodded again. "That's not why I'm crying," he told her. "Me neither," she answered, smiling. She went back into his arms, her eyes closed again. "I love you Jen," Ryan told her. "I love you too," she whispered. Ryan hugged her tighter. She opened her eyes, seeing JR standing there in the hall across from them, finishing his coffee. He smiled at her. She smiled back, then closed her eyes again. The End comments are appreciated, man. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi. 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