Amiga ISO Collection/AmigaDemoCD2.iso/ASCII/TEXTE/JOKES/GERMAN/McFun(Donalds).txt

Text File | 1994-09-19 | 9.4 KB | 172 lines

 Simple ways to cause your local McDonald's to close, go out of business
 or give each employee an early nervous breakdown... 99% of the ideas have
 been tested and will definitely cause a laugh, or even get you kicked out
 of your McDonalds.


INTRODUCTION
     Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest
growing fast food chain, McDonalds. The founder, Ray Crock, wanted an
environment where families and friends could get food with friendly
service at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.

     As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an
attitude, from the management to the customer. They, as most
restaurants do, firmly believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is
true even when the customer is an asshole with blind disregard for
everyone and everything. This is where you come in... Here are a few
things that you can do to put your local McDonald's in it's place...


SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK
     McDonalds is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers
free or reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all
you have to do is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish
an ad in the local newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be
cheaply made) which explains that a certain day/week, your local
McDonald's will recognize senior citizens with free food, coffee,
senior activies, you know... a big senior social. You may want to
mention that other organizations will be there to speak and make the
whole "event" decent... Now, if your McDonald's already offers
free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas, this will definitely break them,
and cause them to order much more supply, and could even cause them
to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the day... on the other
hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old people asking
for shit will certainly piss someone off... This has been tested, and
as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize and
reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this
Day, but they never turn up anything.


GARBAGE CAN TRICKS
     Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags
fill up quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There
are several things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask
for hot or boiling water. If you don't want to attract attention by
doing this, bring in your own really hot water... boil it, put it in
a Styrofoam cup or a thermos... once in McDonalds, locate the filled
trash can (should not be hard to find) and dump the hot water down
the side. Not only will this melt the side of the bag, causing the
trash to go everywhere, the person who takes out the garbage must
pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash can with water
in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper, and makes
the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hillarious to watch.
     Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take
the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all
the cans. This will either make the employee fish them out by hand,
or will cause the restaurant to be short of several trays, which
becomes quite annoying.


FOOD TRICKS
     There are several things to do with the food. Since there is
probably something wrong with it in the first place, you might want
to simply make the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant,
cut some of your hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table,
place the hair all over the inside of the burger. When the line at
the counter is long, and everyone is busy, cut up to the front of the
counter, and start complaining about your burger. Show EVERYONE the
hair inside the burger. You will get another burger, and most likely,
a lot of free shit so you will come back. You will also cause most
everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get shit on by the
manager.


ON A BUSY DAY...
     Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the
employees... everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay
attention to what you say, or get very pissed. Ask for real dumb
shit... For example, "I'd like a 69 piece Chicken McNugget." The best
thing to do is to order a simple cheeseburger, and screw it all up
with special orders... For example, "I'd like a cheeseburger, with
extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra onions, lettuce,
tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well done... oh wait,
I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on it... [wait
for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh, wait,
sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium
Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you
say... Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can
order a hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in
there, casually mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this
works... and you don't get charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer
printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere in the kitchen, your grill
order was printed, and will be made... so change it after you hear
that.
     In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a
Penny," Where people put in their loose change in case someone else
is short some money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I
made $42.71 from stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in
my area... This is a good secondary income for lazy people.
     If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you
just want a soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your
money, add an item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process
until you have what you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You
can also have the cashier repeat your order as many times as you
wish, also wasting time.


THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER
     McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers,
and employees like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep
asking dumb questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually
order anything... just hold up the line with your questions. Here are
a few questions to ask
     - "How is your meat prepared at the factory?"
     - "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?"
     - "Who was the BigMac named after?"
     - "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?"
     - "Where does your <pick a vegetable> come from?"
     - "How fresh is your <McD product>?"
     - "What is the square root of 69.666?"


DRIVE-THRU FUN
     McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes
up for more than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put,
this system needs a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you
usually get your order screwed up. The first thing to do is to take
your car and back over the cut square in the pavement right beside
the order sign several times. This causes a loud annoying "bong" to
be heard by everyone with a headset... eventually the manager will
come out with a weapon, and this is where you leave.
     Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot
of butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually,
people in the drive thru service will laugh or screw something up,
and you will get yelled at by the manager... waaah.
     If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep
your window down to listen to other orders. After you receive your
food, park and enter the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and
tell the person on duty that your order was screwed up... it helps to
remember what someone elses order was, and then you just ask for
that... you will get it. Sometimes, you even get free food for having
a screwed up order.
     The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When
ordering, mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the
microphone is cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE
ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger with no Sa... and extra <crackle> and I'd also
like a Med<cut> Oke." When they ask you to repeat, do the exact same
thing. Remember, that as soon as you drive up to the sign, they can
hear everything in your car... even if they are not talking. As soon
as they ask for your order, turn your stereo up real loud, and begin
to say your order... this screws everything up... Also, ask for a
hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you have the
guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them
seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the
ultimate action, putting your local McDonalds out of business.
    If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful
handheld transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew.
The antenna is located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has
a receiving radius of the entire store and about half of the parking lot.
You can add stuff to peoples orders, or just screw around. If you do not
have access to one, simply hide behind the sign, and shout extra food or
obscenities at the sign...

IMPORTANT
     Remember, that the McDonald's slogan is FOOD FOLKS AND FUN.
This can be expanded to "Don't eat the FOOD, alienate the FOLKS, and
be sure to have FUN." If you get bored, start molesting kids on the
playland or just break shit... throwing salt shakers (plastic or
glass) at the outside wall of the McDonald's is fun too... take
advantage of whatever there is in McDonalds... there are infinite
possibilites to create your local McDonalds an utter McHell.