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Internet Message Format | 1994-05-14 | 31.4 KB

From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Let's BLAZE a great deal!!!! Date: 23 Jun 1993 03:57:13 GMT Summary: There's never been a game show like THIS! Keywords: Monty Hall, Monty Python, Monty Carlo, Monty Verdi [Loud, obnoxious "TV Theme" music plays.] Good evening everybody, and welcome to another edition of LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL! the Internet game show where YOU can win FABULOUS prizes, travel, free CPU cycles, and MORE! And here is your host -- that rabid wildman himself -- BOBBY BLAZEBLEEDER!!! [Rousing cheers from the crowd! They're on their feet, jumping up and down, shaking the foundation of this famous, filled-to-capacity athletics stadium.] Bobby: Thank you, thank you all. You're very kind. Yes, it's another edition of LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL, and we have an INCREDIBLE show for you tonight! You'll be sure to recognize many of our contestants this evening, and they'll be in hot competition for a stunning array of prizes. Here is everyone's favorite prize announcer, Snortygord Zonkerdoodle, to tell you all about the wonderful items she has for the winners! Snorty: Thanks Bobby! Our grand prize for this evening is a brand new, totally loaded Amiga 8000T!! [The crowd goes "Ooooh!!"] This machine is a well-kept secret at Commodore, so we can't legally tell you about all the features... but suffice to say, this is one HOT and SEXY computer! In fact, the tower case comes in your choice of MALE or FEMALE versions, complete with realistic "protuberances" and a brand new, totally convincing narrator.device to answer all your questions and attend your every whim and desire! Just for playing, all of our contestants tonight will receive free copies of BLAZEMONGER XXII, "Attack Of The Killer Dweebs With Slight Limps," and a lifetime supply of Spoingo brand Mashed Gorilla Extract. Wow! Back to you, Bobby! Bobby: Thanks, Snorty! And now, let's bring on tonight's BRAVE contestants!! [More cheering and violent gestures from the crowd as several figures walk onto the stage.] We're privileged to have with us tonight some of the most well known and well-respected personalities in the Amiga world! In fact, Contestant Number One is practically revered as a God in the comp.sys.amiga newsgroups on USENET. Please welcome: Mr. Dave Haynie of Commodore!! Dave: [Blowing kisses to his adoring, cheering fans.] Thank you all. Hi Bobby! Bobby: Yo, Dave! Say... what's that thing you're carrying? Dave: Um, this? Oh, it's just a new prototype Ramsey chip. Bobby: But it's HUGE! It must be twelve meters wide! Dave: Yup, but this sucker is *fast*. Bobby: Well, we'll have to find out more about this super-chip later, because Contestant Number Two has just come in! All the way from Switzerland, will everyone please welcome "Mr. Aminet" himself... Urban D. "Zop" Mueller!!! [BIG cheers and applause from thousands of thankful "ftp" addicts!!] Zop: Hello, hello everybody!! Bobby: Howdy, Zop! Glad you could make it! Did you have any trouble finding the place? Zop: No, not really -- I just hopped into amiga.physik.unizh.ch and flew out the Ethernet board, took a right turn at ftp.luth.se and a left at merlin.etsu.edu, and here I am! Bobby: Amazing!! Say, Zop -- is it true that after you disabled downloads on amiga.physik, you *still* got 13,000 attempted ftp connections per day? Zop: Yes, it's sad but true. But we are currently working on a solution to the problem, thanks to your helpful "Customer Service" department. The next people who try to ftp to our site will be in for a NASTY surprise! Bobby: Woww!! Coool!!! And now for something completely different... Contestant Number Three is actually TWO people! They are one of USENET's most adored married couples, and you can see them trading love notes in comp.sys.amiga.advocacy every day. Please welcome... Dan Stephenson and Paula Lieberman!! [Loud cheers from the crowd, and jealous razzes from a few sexist pigs.] Dan S: Hey everyone! I'm on TV!! Paula: Hi! [They embrace. The crowd loves it!] Bobby: Now Paula and Dan, I must ask you: lots of USENET folks never DREAMED that the two of you would get hitched. What's the story? Paula: Well, Bobby, I just knew somehow that behind his arrogant, sexist crap, Danny Boy was the man for me! [She pats his tummy. The crowd sighs.] Dan S: Yeah, I was pretty put off by Paula at first, but then we started exchanging e-mail and I learned what a true sweetie she is! [He makes "doe eyes" at her. The crowd starts getting nauseous with all this cuteness. Snorty begins passing out airplane-quality "barf bags."] Bobby: Our next player, Contestant Number Four, is also well-known in the Amiga arena. His keen marketing insight and biting wit have saved Commodore from destruction time and time again. Everybody give a warm welcome to... Marc Barrett!! [The crowd screams loudly and waves their arms wildly in the air! Some of them are holding pitchforks.] MB: Hi. Bobby: Welcome to LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL, Marc! Any words of wisdom for all the people watching at home? MB: Yeah -- get a life! Don't you people realize that game show viewing is down 65%?? This show is DOOMED! Bobby: Um, yes, well... thank you Marc! Our final player, Contestant Number Five, has asked to remain anonymous, so he'll be playing with a bag over his head. In any case, please welcome... Contestant Number Five!! [The crowd stretches their necks and uses binoculars to try and see the face inside the bag. No luck.] Number Five: [Muffled voice.] Hello all. Bobby: Number Five -- you don't mind if I call you that, do you? -- what are your goals tonight in playing LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL? Number Five: Personally, Bobby, I'd like to win the game and make a lot of money. Bobby: Admirable goals, for sure! Well, we will have to see what happens! So, let the games begin!! [The LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band begins playing *extremely* bad music. A live goat falls from the sky, lands in the center of the stage, and explodes.] Well, now that our traditional live sacrifice to M'Butu, God of Cheesy Game Show Music, has been observed, we're ready to begin! I assume that all of our contestants are familiar with the rules? [Brief nods from all contestants. Dan and Paula beam at each other. More gagging from the audience.] Good! Then we can begin... Round One! In this round, we ask questions about important events in Amiga history. The first contestant to press his or her "BLAZE-buzzer" has a chance to answer the question. If the answer is right, that contestant gets 10 points! But if the answer is wrong... [The band plays a very, VERY nasty chord... perhaps intentionally...] ...then, well, who KNOWS what might happen? Heh heh heh. [The contestants laugh nervously. ] And so, our first question for tonight's show is... back in Amiga history, when Jack Tramiel of Atari was offering to buy Amiga Incorporated's stock, the Amiga folks turned down his offer of $1.50 per share. What did Tramiel say in response? [BUZZZZZ!!!! All five contestants press their buzzers and simultaneously scream in pain as the electricity courses through their bodies. There is a faint smell of charred flesh.] Wow!! Snorty, what does our nanosecond-accurate Amiga timer chip say? Who pressed the button first? Snorty: It was... Marc! [Cheers, boos, etc. Typical audience stuff.] Bobby: So, Marc, what did old Jack say? MB: He said, "The AAA chipset is just a pipe dream!" Bobby: No, I'm sorry, but that's WRONG! [A bucket of dead fish is poured over Marc's head.] How about you, Mr. Stephenson? Dan S: Umm... I pass. I wasn't around back then. [Dave Haynie is hopping around looking confident.] Bobby: OK, Dave? Dave: He offered them... Number Five: ...EIGHTY CENTS A SHARE!!!! Bobby: Now, now, Number Five, you aren't supposed to interrupt the other contestants. Number Five: Sorry... I get excited about money. Bobby: Well, Contestant Number Five's answer *was* correct, but I'm going to have to disqualify his answer, punish the wrongdoer [more fish are poured on Number Five's bag head, plus a few more on Marc for good measure], and award the points randomly. Snorty, please spin the "Wheel of Fate!" [Snorty spins the wheel, which is covered with ten foot long barbed, poisoned spikes. When it stops, the largest spike is pointing straight at Zop's throat.] Zop: Ulp.... er... um... Bobby: Not to worry, Zop! You win the 10 points for that question. So, it's straight on to question number 2: How much is a "signature edition" Amiga 1000 worth compared to the "non-signature" edition? Dave: [BUZZZ!!!] YeeeeOUCH!! *Damn*, that hurts. Bobby: Yes Dave? Dave: ALL the A1000's had the signatures on the inside of the case. Bobby: CORRECT!! Ten points! [The crowd cheers.] Dave: I am always amazed at how many people in c.s.a.marketplace advertise their "signature edition" A1000's as if it were something special. Bobby: I guess there's a sucker born every minute, eh? And now, for question three: what are Kiki Stockhammer's measurements? Dan S: [BUZZZZ!!] OwwwOOO!!! Oh, my fingers. Paula: [BUZZZZ!!] AAAAAaaaAAAA!! Shit! Bobby: Snorty, who was first? Snorty: Umm... it was a tie, Bobby! Dan S: Dearest snoogums, let me answer the question. I know these things better than you. Paula: Oh, you're so *cute* when you're being a sexist pig! Let me handle this. Dan S: Au contraire, my little snugglemuffin, this is a real man's job. Paula: Oh yeah? What "real man" might that be, sweety? I don't see anyone around here fitting that description. Dan S: But Poopsie... Bobby: Folks, you are making everybody really queasy. Just answer the fucking question. Dan S: 36-21-30! Paula: 34-26-32! Dave: Hut one, hut two, HIKE!!!! [Dave tosses his 12-meter-wide Ramsey chip to Zop. Marc intercepts it deftly and runs toward the end zone. But Snorty is there to tackle him.] Marc: OOOFFFF!!! [The crowd cheers wildly. Snorty raises her hands above her head in triumph.] Bobby: Well folks, that was exciting, but I'm afraid that all of the answers were wrong. In fact, it was a trick question, because Kiki actually doesn't exist! She is merely a 3-dimensional hologram projected by a hidden Video Toaster 4000 with a beta "Virtual Reality" module during trade shows. So her *real* measurements are 15KHz by 90 Hz, interlaced. [Paula and Dan are both shot with a flamethrower for a few seconds. Then more fish are poured on them to put out the fires.] So now, with Zop and Dave tied at 10 points each, we'll break for a commercial and be right back with Round Two! [The LET'S BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band plays a *terrible* rendition of "Catch My Fall" in Swedish. Strangely enough, the lead singer appears to be a UNIX computer.] ***COMMERCIAL BEGINS*** Announcer: Are you TIRED of playing the same BORING old computer games every day? Crowd of kids: HELL YES!! Announcer: Then try new "BLAZEMONGER 17", the ONLY computer game with a SECRET NEW INGREDIENT! Idiot: Duhhh, WHAT secret new ingredient? Announcer: Yes, the SECRET NEW INGREDIENT is what makes BLAZEMONGER 17 the ONLY game recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists. Dentist: I am the fifth dentist that doesn't recommend BLAZEMONGER 17. [He is suddenly killed by a naked woman with a machine gun.] Announcer: Don't let this happen to YOU! Buy BLAZEMONGER 17!! Naked woman: Or else!! ***COMMERCIAL ENDS*** Bobby: Hello everyone, and welcome back to LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL! It's time for Round Two! I'll ask everybody to look over to their left... [The contestants look...] ...and you'll see that we have created five giant replicas of the Amiga 4000 motherboard. Will each of you please walk to one of the motherboards and stand on it? [They do so. Everyone is now standing on a different giant motherboard. The contestants look a little bit nervous.] Now, don't worry. This Round requires that you use all of your ingenuity. Each of these motherboards has a surface-mounted "Buster" chip. All of you have SIXTY SECONDS to remove it! Ready... GO!! [The clock starts ticking. The contestants are momentarily stunned.] Snorty: [Announcing with a microphone.] Well, it seems that nobody is moving. But wait!! Dave Haynie has located the Buster chip first -- no surprise there -- and has grasped it with both hands. The other contestants are still looking for the chip... wait! Marc Barrett has found it too, and so has Zop! Dan and Paula are still looking.... Hmmm... the mysterious Contestant Number Five is throwing money at the problem... wait, wait, no, he's picking it up again and stuffing it back into his pockets. Dave now is grunting with sheer physical exertion as he attempts to pop out the chip using Ramsey as a lever! Zop appears to be hunting around for something to use... yes, he's ripped out a few resistors around the chip to clear himself some room! Marc is... is... hmmm... Marc appears to be mumbling to himself about obsolete hardware. And Dan and Paula have located the chip and are trying to lift it out together! Dave doesn't seem to be making any progress yet... but wait!! He's got some tools! Where did THEY come from! He must have smuggled them onto the set. Meanwhile, Zop has grabbed a trombone from the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band and is bashing the chip repeatedly to try to work it loose! Paula and Dan are arguing now over whose turn it is to lift. Not much progress there.... Marc has actually walked *away* from the motherboard, apparently in search of a Macintosh.... And time is ticking away! 15... 14... 13.... Frankly, I don't think ANY of our contestants are going to be able to solve this one, Bobby, so perhaps... [There is a *HUGE* explosion.] <cough, cough> What the HECK?? Folks, I don't know what's happened, but it appears... it appears... YES! Marc Barrett's Buster chip is FREE!! And time has JUST run out!!! Let's find out what Marc did. Bobby: [Wiping soot out of his eyebrows.] So Marc... what in the WORLD did you do? Marc: Well, I figured blowing up the board was the only way to get the chip out. Lacking explosives, I leaned over toward the chip and described the inner workings of the hot new Macs. The Buster chip exploded in jealousy. Dave: More likely it exploded out of disgust! Bobby: Well, it looks like Round Two goes to Marc Barrett! That's worth 15 points, putting Marc in the lead!! We'll be back with the exciting Round Three after this important commercial message. ***COMMERCIAL BEGINS*** Announcer: It's a toothpaste! [Cute little kids are shown brushing their teeth.] Announcer: It's a high-performance automobile!! [A wicked-cool red sports car races around a mountain road at five hundred kilometers per hour.] Announcer: And it's even a small, obscure South American country!!! [A map of South America is displayed with question marks all over it.] Announcer: Can you guess WHAT IT IS??? [Shots of ten or twelve really stupid people shaking their heads.] Stupid People: No, nope, etc. Announcer: Well, TOO BAD!!!! [The stupid people all get chopped to death inside a giant Cuisinart food processor.] [The screen goes black, and then a flaming "BLAZEMONGER" logo appears. Terrifying music begins to play. Almost as terrifying as the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band.] Scary voice: BLAZEMONGER Seventeen. Everything you THOUGHT you knew about computer games is WRONG. DEAD WRONG. Announcer: Coming soon to a ViolentWare (TM) dealer near you!! ***COMMERCIAL ENDS*** Bobby: Well, we're back for Round Three! In this round, each contestant has sixty seconds to compose an original limerick about the Amiga!! The poem judged the best by our stadium audience wins 20 points! I see the clock is set and the contestants are ready, so... GO! [The contestants all type furiously into their word processors. The clock is ticking, and the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band plays some unbelievably horrid music. A masked man wearing a "Customer Service" T-shirt shoots the bassoon player. The music improves somewhat.] [The clock DINGS, and the time is up!] Bobby: Now let's see what our contestants have come up with. Paula and Dan, what have you got? Paula: Danny and I alternated lines, and we came up with this: The newsgroup called "advocacy" Makes the faint-hearted get up and flee! It's full of big fires And sexists and liars And rumors and doomers... and me! Bobby: Bravo! How about everyone else, in turn? Zop: Well, here goes: Our favorite Aminet site Gets uploads and downloads all night. But due to the sneerers Who wouldn't use mirrors The site's in a tight read/write plight! Dave: Gosh, that one sounds hard to beat! Here's mine... A wonderful machine's the Amiga! It's definitely better than Sega! It's got a real blitter And interlace jitter And RAM up to 1.7 giga! Marc: Give me a break. Your last line doesn't even work rhythmically. Here's a good one: There are some Amigans who jeer 'Cause I sold my Amiga last year. But I still know the most And I am, not to boast, A genuine Amiga pioneer!!! Number Five: Oh fine, Marc... talk about bad rhythm when YOUR last line has about fourteen extra syllables. Check this out: My ways are the ways of mystery Throughout the Amiga's history. I do what I please With the stock that I seize, Despite what the Net folk insist of me. Bobby: OK, audience members! Let's see your votes!! [Thousands of audience members hold up their voting cards. A 360-degree camera snapshots and digitizes the whole scene, renders it in HAM8, and tallies the results.] And the winner is.... [The LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL drummer attempts a pathetic drum roll. A nearby moose thinks it's a mating call.] ... Contestant Number Five!! The audience judged his poem as "witty and mysterious, with an unusual rhyme in the last line." Zop's poem *almost* won with his quadruple rhyme, but Number Five just barely topped him. Number Five: Decent!! What do I win??? Bobby: You get twenty points!! Number Five: What?!? No money?? Bobby: Not yet, Number Five, but you're in the lead now!! And we'll be right back after this. ***COMMERCIAL BEGINS*** [Scene: a New York City nightclub. Sexy music plays.] Announcer: In the night, the city lives. [The beat gets more intense. The dancers gyrate and sweat.] Announcer: It's hot. It's magic. [The beat intensifies more. The band plays harder.] Announcer: It's DEFINITELY not for WIMPS like YOU. [The dancers are all suddenly impaled through the head by gigantic, razor-sharp "Number 2" pencils.] Scary voice: BLAZEMONGER Seventeen. It's insane. It's illegal. It's out of numeric order. ***COMMERCIAL ENDS*** Bobby: Folks, it's time for the round you've all been waiting for... the famous ROUND FOUR! [The audience is dead silent. They are all holding their breath because they know what's coming....] Yes, it's time for each of our contestants to play... Whole audience: BLAAAAAAZE-MONNNNNNGGGERRRRRRRR!!!!!! Bobby: Yes, each contestant tries to keep his or her character alive in BLAZEMONGER for as long as possible. Tonight, we've chosen Level 67,921, which fans will recognize as the famous "Tongue Piercing" level. The contestant who gets the farthest gets twenty-five points, which is enough for ANY of our contestants to be the overall winner here tonight and receive that fabulous and jealously-guarded Amiga 8000T!! [The audience goes "Mmmmmm..."] Each contestant's attempt will be displayed for everybody on our beautiful, state-of-the-art 150-inch hypermultisync monitor. As each person finishes, his or her score will be announced, along with its associated "rating comment" on the BLAZE-O-METER, indicating how well the game thinks you played! We'll go in alphabetical order for this... so Marc, you're first!! Pick up that joystick and let's see what kind of stuff you're made of!! Marc: No problem, Blazebooger. I can beat this inferior piece of trash in my sleep. Bobby: Well, I'm sorry Marc, but as you can see, the monitor is clearly displaying "Game Over", meaning that you should have been playing instead of yapping away! Too bad, d00d!! Looks like your score is... negative 864,895,007, giving you a BLAZE-O-METER rating of "Amateur Nose-Picker In Training." Marc: But... Bobby: The second player tonight is Dave Haynie, so let's see how well a high-powered Amiga hardware engineer stacks up against the very machine he built!! [Dave grasps all eight joysticks, and there is a WILD BLUR of action on the screen lasting for an intense, suspenseful 0.000000041 nanoseconds.] Wow!!! I think that might be a new record!!! What do you think, Snorty?? Snorty: Well, Bobby, that certainly was an exciting display of gaming!! Dave managed to elude both the Killer Gorgonzola Cheese *and* the Molten Plutonium trap, which is pretty darn impressive! But his big mistake was forgetting to put the "Lemmings" sticker over the entrance to the Shrine Of Glorious Mucus to fool the Tupperware God, and that was the end of him! Bobby: Impressive nonetheless... and Dave, you managed to score a whopping negative 153, giving you a BLAZE-O-METER rating of "Not Bad For A Hardware Dweeb." Congrats! Dave: Thanks, Bobby. I am *totally* pissed about that Lemmings sticker, though. Just yesterday I was playing a few rounds of BLAZEMONGER with the CATS folks, and I managed to get past the Tupperware God and halfway up the sewer pipe! I guess I got a little nervous just now. Bobby: Well, don't worry about it Dave, because you're in the lead right now! And our next contestant in alphabetical order will be Paula Lieberman and her sex slave, Dan Stephenson! So grab those joysticks, lovebirds, and go to it!! [Paula and Dan struggle to stay in control for a vicious 0.000003 nanoseconds. The 150-inch monitor begins to smoke and melt.] Not bad!! Snorty? Snorty: Bobby, I must say that was a truly unique strategy that Paula and Dan used. Most people try to go *around* the Flaming Nostril-Hair Tribe using the Amulet Of Make People Look In The Other Direction, but these two folks tunneled *underneath* the Tribe's parking lot by enlisting the help of the Giant Gopher. I didn't even know you could *do* that!! Any explanation, Bobby? I mean, you wrote the game. Bobby: Snorty, there are all KINDS of little alternate ways to avoid certain menaces. Some of them are SO SECRET that they aren't even in the SOURCE CODE!! That's one of them, and I am likewise surprised that our enterprising young duo figured out how to do it. Truly a first!! Snorty: Definitely, Bobby! But our happy couple met their doom shortly thereafter at the hands... er... FEET of the seven-million-mile-long Snot-Dripping Centipede. Ugh, gross. [Dan and Paula look slightly nauseous.] But their efforts earned them a respectable score of negative 704 -- not enough to beat Dave, but still sufficient to earn them a BLAZE-O-METER rating of "Go And Cry To Your Mommy, Wimpface!" Dan S: Rats. I was sure we could whip that centipede with the Exploding Bowling Ball. Paula: Darling, I *tried* to tell you we should use the Auto-Sniper, but... Dan S: Sigh... my little petunia... that stupid weapon couldn't shoot its way out of a paper bag. Paula: Oh, there you go again, ridiculing my tastes and making a *clearly* phallic metaphor. You men are all the same. Dan S: But pussy cat... Paula: [WHAM! She clobbers Dan with a crowbar. The crowd cheers wildly.] Dan S: [POW!!! Paula's nose is now bleeding profusely. You can tell they really love each other.] [Bobby motions to someone backstage. Three very muscular and violent-looking people wearing masks and "Customer Service" T-shirts politely, uh, "escort" Dan and Paula offstage, where sounds of heavy machinery can be heard.] Bobby: Well, now that THAT is out of the way... Zop? Ready to give BLAZEMONGER a try? Zop: Sure -- it looks awesome! Bobby: You've never played before? Zop: No, unfortunately. None of my local dealers carry it. Bobby: REALLY?!? Hmmm.... [Bobby speaks softly into a radio transmitter. We see several "Customer Service" people board a small plane and take off toward the East.] Well, that will be "taken care of" pretty soon. Thanks for letting us know. Zop: Uh... you're welcome... um, I think. Bobby: Let's go! [Zop grasps a few joysticks and straps himself into the gaming chair. The entire stadium fills with frightening, screeching, grinding, and generally violent sounds that chill everyone straight to the bone for what seems like an eternity, but is in fact less than a single heartbeat....] Snorty: Another good performance, especially for a beginner! Zop successfully ate all twenty-seven of the Evil Pies before the vikings returned... but he missed the fact the pie number 12 contains a crucial key needed in the next room. But his attempt has pushed him into first place, with a score of negative 144! The BLAZE-O-METER has rated his gameplaying skills as: "Almost As Interesting As Rancid Pus." Well played, Zop! Bobby: So Zop, how do you feel being in first place right now? Zop: It feels great, Bobby. I only hope my score can outlast the mysterious Contestant Number Five's!! Bobby: And speaking of Number Five... it's your turn, so get ready! Number Five? [Bobby looks around.] NUMBER FIVE?!?!? [Contestant Number Five appears to be missing. Everybody starts looking around. He is clearly gone.] Weird!! This certainly has never happened before on LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL! Hmmm...! [Everybody looks around for a few minutes. Nothing.] Well, Zop, I guess I'm going to have to declare you the winner by default... [The crowd suddenly gasps. Bobby, Snorty, and the contestants look up. They cannot believe their eyes! Contestant Number Five has returned... carrying what looks like the largest, DEADLIEST joystick they have EVER seen.] Snorty: What the hell...? [Contestant Number Five walks up to the Amiga and, blatantly ignoring the fact that the power is on, unplugs the existing joysticks and plugs in his monstrosity. The crowd is silent.] Bobby: Um, now look here, "Contestant Number Five..." Number Five: No, you look HERE. I'm taking over. There's nothing in your rulebook that prevents me from using my own joystick. Bobby: Hmm.... I think he's right. Snorty: Yep. But I mean, my gosh... LOOK at that thing. [They look. EVERYBODY looks. This is like no joystick that has ever been seen before. The entire handle is covered with "fire" buttons -- there are hundreds, at least. Locking, steel-reinforced beams hold the stick in position, dozens of suction cups are attached to the bottom, and the whole machine emits a weird, phosphorescent glow. Clearly, this is not a stick to be used casually.] Number Five: I'm ready. Bobby: OK, then, Mr. Smarty-Pants. We'll see how tough you really are against The Ultimate Game (TM)!!! Go!!!!!!! [The screen EXPLODES into action!! Images WHIP past everyone's eyes as Contestant Number Five thrashes around the stage, whirling the joystick handle, tying knots in the cables, kicking and punching "fire" buttons with hands, feet, head, and an aluminum baseball bat. The other contestants are in awe. Bobby and Snorty's jaws are hanging open as they both realize, in horror, that an entire *three seconds* has passed and Contestant Number Five is still playing!! And THEN, SUDDENLY... there is silence. The monster joystick is melted and destroyed. Contestant Number Five lies sprawled on the floor, covered with sweat and little pieces of joystick plastic. He is not moving. Bobby and several "Customer Service" representatives, as well as Ron Nibbly from the BLAZEMONGER "Legal" department, rush over to Number Five's body and try to revive him. No luck! Bobby begins administering CPR and mouth-to-bag resuscitation, while Ron begins an extensive search for loopholes in the official "Contestant's Contract." But Ron's worries are short-lived because, slowly, Contestant Number Five revives!!] Number Five: Holy Harry. Bobby: Huh? Number Five: Harry. Harry Copperman. I saw him. Bobby: I think you need a doctor. Number Five: No, I'm fine. Really. My death has been predicted MANY times, but I'm still around. Just stubborn, I guess. So... how did I do?? Bobby: Snorty? Snorty: Bobby, this guy is some kind of master BLAZEMONGER player, that's for sure. He got past all the tricks and traps that fooled our other contestants and nearly reached the end of the level!! And he was doing pretty amazingly for most of his turn, with a score reaching all the way up toward positive 3 or even 4!! This is obviously a man who plays a *lot* of BLAZEMONGER. But you know how fickle BLAZEMONGER scoring is. "Number Five" made a mistake or two in his last crucial picoseconds, and this brought the score down. I guess even experienced BLAZEMONGER wizards can crack under the pressure. Although Number Five *nearly* succeeded in getting his tongue pierced to leave the level, he made the classic mistake of getting the surgery done by Neurotic Norman, The Bladder Drinker. And Norman, as you know, is *not* to be trusted with a scalpel... nor a straw! Number Five: Drat!! Snorty: This error reduced Number Five's score to negative 145... which means that Zop has triumphed by a single point!!! [VERY LOUD, VERY EXCITING music is heard, as the LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL band gives up on playing their instruments and instead bangs them with large hammers. An awe-inspiring laser light show begins, burning large holes through several large audience members.] Bobby: CONGRATULATIONS, Zop!!!! BLAZE ON!! You are our BIG WINNER tonight, and you'll be taking home that WONDERFUL Amiga 8000T. How do you feel??? Zop: [Tears of joy are flowing down his cheeks.] I... I am SO overcome!! I don't know what to say! Thank you, thank you everybody.... [Dave, Dan, Paula, Marc, and "Number Five" all shake hands politely with Zop and congratulate him. The Amiga 8000T is lowered from the rafters down to the stage. Cheers and whistles from the crowd!] Bobby: That's it for this edition of LETS BLAZE A GREAT DEAL!! Thank you to ALL of our wonderful contestants for playing on our show tonight! And special thanks to Snorty, Ron, "Customer Service", and our sponsor, BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED, who made this show possible. Any final words from our contestants?? Zop: Thank you! Dave: What, me worry? Dan S: Oh Paula! Paula: Oh Danny! Number Five: See you on the stock market! Marc: I tell you, this show is doomed. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// --- Copyright 1993 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. So nyaaah.