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@BEGIN_FILE_ID.DIZ Chapter 28@END_FILE_ID.DIZ Jen lay on her bed. She had picked up the phone to call Dana, but hung up before she even dialed. Dana didn't understand her as much anymore. Jen thought she might be disgusted with her for sleeping with Matt. She'd never said that though, just been shocked when it had happened. Jen knew Dana wanted her to take Ryan back. Never, thought Jen. But she wasn't as convinced as she told herself she was. However, she was starting to get an idea that her life might continue without him, that she wouldn't die. For the ten thousandth time she recalled what had happened. . . It was the fourth week of the new semester when it had happened. Almost March. Ryan was thrilled, he had just gotten a scholarship to his first choice school. Jen had applied there too, but hadn't heard yet whether or not she had gotten in. He didn't listen to her concerns it seemed, that she wouldn't get in, or that maybe she wanted to go out of state. They'd fought about that, his not seeming to care, nor listening to her when she talked. He always had to go, it seemed. Now that he had been accepted, he kicked back a bit more, cutting school and partying more. He'd gotten mad when she bugged him about that too. But they made up. They always did, of course. But he still didn't change much. She thought maybe they were breaking up. She was petrified he was going to say they shouldn't limit themselves when at school, that maybe they should see other people. He hadn't said that though. Not yet, she had thought. Then she starting feeling sick. She was so stressed out anyway. Once when she was at track she nearly fainted. She had only a tiny lunch, she told herself. She refused to think about other possibilities. But she couldn't ignore it, the drawer in her bathroom with her tampons in it seemed to yell at her whenever she had gone in there. She hadn't opened the drawer in almost six weeks. A year before, she would have called Ryan immediately. Instead she called Dana, and they talked. She made an appointment with the doctor. She had to be sure first. The earliest appointment was Tuesday. All weekend she felt sick, sick to her stomach. He came over on Friday night, and he was sweet to her, making her dinner. He hadn't stayed long though, she thought bitterly. After all, she thought, he wasn't going to get any, not with her feeling sick. Maybe if he had stayed she would have told him. But he hadn't, so she didn't. Sunday she couldn't take it anymore. She called him, and he wasn't there. She waited for him to call back, all day she waited, but he never did. She called again, and he still wasn't there. Will sounded annoyed that she'd called again. That made her even more depressed. Finally, she called Dana, sobbing and crying. Dana agreed, and promised to come over the next day with the test. Plus, Dana told her, then you will have talked to Ryan, and he can come over. But she hadn't talked to him. He never called her back. Depressed, she finally agreed to take the test with Dana there instead. I'm sure he's just really busy, Dana told her. She hated the sight of the test, in the little brown paper bag. It was white, with pink and blue letters. "This sucks," she smiled wryly to Dana, holding back tears. "This fucking sucks." "It's okay," Dana told her. "Jen, I promise you, it will be okay." She read her the instructions. Echh, she had to pee on the stick. She came out immediately, Dana sitting on her bed. They had to wait five minutes. "You look," Jen told her, laying on the bed. "I can't." "Sure, I'll look. Jen, it will be okay. It might be negative." She nodded, then smiled. "I-I guess I could put off school for a year though," she whispered. "He said he wanted to get married now anyway, before we went to school. . . " "See? Jen, even if it is positive, it will all work out. Ryan loves you *so* much. Come on, it's a beautiful thing," she told her, although she knew it sounded corny. Hell, even she didn't believe it. Jen smiled, then cried. Dana rubbed her back for awhile. Four minutes had gone by. Then five, then six. Dana gulped, getting up and going into the bathroom. Jen's heart pounded in her chest, in her ears. She felt like she was going to throw up. God, *please*, she prayed. Dana was still in the bathroom, but she came out, holding the white plastic stick. A line meant positive, no line, negative. Jen just stared at her. "Well, tell me!" Dana paused. "It's positive, Jen." Jen laid back, feeling like she'd just swallowed a boulder. Or that someone had slapped her. "Fuck," she cried. "Fuck!" She hit her pillow. Dana comforted her as best she could, held her best friend in her arms while she sobbed. Damn Ryan, she thought. Where the hell is he? Jen stopped crying after awhile, just lay there with her eyes open, staring at nothing. She thought about it, remembering the conversation where Ryan had said he'd marry her. She was still miserable though. Where was he? "Here," Dana said quietly, covering her up with the blanket. "You rest. I'll be right back." She left, closing Jen's door. She went out into the kitchen, finding JR Harper's number in the phone book, and dialed. His little brother answered. Will, she thought. "Is Ryan there?" she asked. "No." "Well, when's he coming back?" she demanded. "I don't know! I think he's at baseball practice." "Well, you tell him to call Jen as soon as he gets home, okay? Or to come over." "Sure." "Don't forget!" "I won't! I'm writing it down as we speak!" "Good. Good-bye." "Bye." She went back into Jen's room. Jen still lay there. Dana comforted her again for awhile, while she sniffled and cried. The phone finally rang. Jen sat up, answering it. "Hello?" she asked. "Ryan! Where have you been?. . . I called you yesterday twice and you never called me back. . . No, I said you could call late!. . . Well, please come over now. Now!. . . We need to talk. . . Six? Can't you come earlier?. . . Aright, but please come over. . . No, I'm not pissed at you!. . . Aright, bye. . . " She hung up. "He's gonna come over at six," she told her. "In like, an hour." Dana left soon before six, hugging her friend, who thanked her and cried. Six o'clock came around. Then 6:30, and 6:52, and 7:12. He didn't come. She called him again, but he wasn't there. He'd gone out, said his dad. She assumed he was on his way. He wasn't, apparently, and she called him again at 9:30. He still hadn't showed up. She tried not to scream. Crying, she laid in bed. At 10:30 she heard a car. Her heart leapt to her throat. She heard doors slam (doors?) and then heard him calling her name as he came down the hall. He opened the door, and walked in. Darius, one of his friends, followed him into her dark room, illuminated only by the television. "Ryan!" she snapped, in tears. "You fucking said you'd be here at six! It's almost eleven! And we need to talk *alone*." "Sorry! I needed a ride." She looked at him. "Oh, fucking shit. Are you drunk?" "Nah, just buzzed. Well, maybe drunk," he laughed. "I said we need to talk alone," she repeated, looking pointedly at Darius. "Uh oh, Ryan's in trouble," teased Darius. "Fuck you, man!" snapped Ryan. "Wait in the fucking car, will ya?" He left. "Wait in the car," Jen murmured. She couldn't believe he was being like this, the opposite of what she needed. "What? What is up?" he asked her. "We need to talk," she told him, flipping on the light. She squinted from the bright light. "Yeah, you already said that! Luckily, I have a voice box so that is made possible. Hey, why are you crying? What, 'cause I'm late?" "You said you'd be here hours ago! Why do you have to be drunk? And you never called me back yesterday," she whined. "Well, I'm sorry. I was busy." He didn't sound sorry. "And why shouldn't I drink? I'm happy!" She let it slide. Instead she got up, pulling the box out of the garbage and tossing it to him. He read it. "What is this, this test?" he asked slowly. "Ryan," she whispered. "I'm pregnant. . . " It was good to get it out, now surely he would comfort her. But that's not what happened. He looked at her for a second, then snapped, "Well this is just fucking bullshit!" "Ryan!" she gasped. "What d'ya mean, 'I'm pregnant?'" he demanded. "What? I-I'm pregnant. Like, gonna have a baby!" He paused. "What are you going to do with it?" She stared at him. "What do you mean, what am 'I' going to do with it?!? What the hell's that supposed to mean?" "I mean, what the hell are you going to do? Are you going to have an abortion or not?" She sucked in her breath, her lungs filling with air. "NO I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE AN ABORTION!!!!" she screamed at him. "What's your problem?!?" He jumped up. "My life was going so good right now! I can't afford a kid." "Oh, so it's all my fault, is it?" "Yes. Maybe it is." "Why?!? What, I got myself pregnant? What's your fucking problem?" He looked at her. "You fucking did this on purpose, didn't you Jen?" "What?" she whispered. "You did this to keep me with you, to keep me from going somewhere else, huh?" "Fuck you!" she screamed. "How dare you say that shit to me! How could you think I would do that?!?" "Oh, yeah sure. Good move there. Real smooth. Maybe we should be considering our future anyway. I mean, we are moving away and all." "What?" she gasped. "You're fucking breaking up with me?!? You fucking asshole!" she screamed. "I didn't say that!" he yelled at her. "So, how long has it been?" She seemed disoriented. "I don't know, like, a month maybe." "Oh really? I wasn't even here a month ago! I went to UCLA with my parents! So, whose kid is this?" "You, are the biggest fucking prick I have ever met in my life!!!" she sobbed. "Goddamn you James Ryan Harper!" "Do you think I'm going to sit around and raise someone else's brat?!? I don't think so! Goddamn *you *Jen! I have worked too hard to get where I am right now. *Too* hard, got it?" he screamed, slurring his words. She just stared at him. No longer crying, she was filled with anger. "Get out of my house!!!" she told him. "Get the fuck out!!!" He closed his eyes for a second. "Listen, I'm leaving. I'll call you tomorrow," he told her calmly, stumbling as he walked to her door. "No you won't!" she yelled. "Fuck you!" He waved her away with his hand. She sat down on her bed, her only thought being she needed to die. I'm gonna kill myself, she thought. Then he'll be sorry. I'm gonna fuckin' kill myself! She lay on the bed, nearly hyperventilating, as she thought of how many pills she had at her disposal, and bleach. The phone rang. She stared at it. She snatched it up angrily. "Hello?" asked Dana's voice. "Hello?" She sobbed into the phone, crying that she was going to kill herself. Dana freaked out, finally getting Jen to calm down enough to promise that she would stay right there until Dana could get there, and not to do anything. ***** She had stayed at Dana's house the next day, Dana's mom keeping an eye on her while she went to school. She just told her that Jen was really sick, and to check on her often. Dana was scared Jen would kill herself while her parents were at work. Dana and Jen went to the doctor like planned, and she received some counseling about her options. She was still severely depressed, but Dana took care of her as she stayed over that night, making sure she showered, and ate, and did her homework. Ryan never called. Wednesday she went back home with Dana, wondering if there would be a message from Ryan on her machine. There were several hang-ups, but it didn't mean it was Ryan, she thought. Then there was one from her doctor. "Hi, Jen, this is Dr. Mason. I'm calling about the results of your test. I know you took a home pregnancy test that indicated you were in fact pregnant, and, but we checked your sample several times, and they all came out negative. . . " Jen screamed, gasping while the message continued. Dana hugged her. ". . . Now there does seem to be an excess of a certain type of hormone, which might lead to a positive result on certain types of tests. We should discuss possibly moving you to a different kind of contraceptive, so please call me. . . " Dana was hugging her, and Jen was crying, so relieved. "Oh my God, oh my God!" she gasped. "I can't believe it! Oh thank you Jesus!" Then she started to sob. ***** That night Jen stayed home by herself, doing her homework and pondering her life. It had changed her. She was different now, even from who she was a week ago. She hated Ryan, that much she knew. No one had ever hurt her as much as he had. He was selfish. It was over with him; she'd never hated anyone so much in her life, she told herself over and over. Part of her screamed that she was nothing without him, but she pushed those thoughts aside. He still hadn't called. I hate him, she thought fiercely. She looked at her college catalogs, with the pictures of the laughing people at the games, and in the dorms. She began to get excited, ignoring the dull ache in her heart. She thought of all the guys she would meet. Me and Ryan were too serious, she told herself. It's good we broke up, she thought, even though she didn't believe it. The phone rang. Maybe it's Ryan, she thought. She kicked herself for thinking that. "Hello?" she asked. "Jen, I'm sor. . . " Ryan's voice started to say. She hung up on him before he could finish. Holding her pillow tightly and crying, she lay on her bed, hating him. How could she take him back when she hated him? She would never forgive him. He didn't really love her. He couldn't. He just liked to fuck her. It rang again. She let the machine pick up. "Jen, I know you're there. Come on, we need to talk. Please? I'm sorry I wasn't very understanding. . . " She snatched up the phone. "Understanding? Understanding? Well isn't that the understatement of the century!" she screamed at him. "Jen, I'm sorry! I was drunk, I didn't know what I was thinking," he begged. "I'm sorry babe!" "Oh, no," she said calmly. "I don't think so. What ever happened to not excusing someone's behavior because they were drunk? Don't you remember saying that to me? Remember Brett?" "Come on, please. It's me, Ryan! We need to talk about this." "Screw you." "Come on!" "Fuck you. We're through," she snapped, hanging up on him. He didn't call back. He called Dana instead, but she yelled at him, telling him he was scum before she hung up on him too. Chapter 29 Matt had tried to forget about Jen after that night when they'd played poker, and told himself he had. He didn't see her anymore at Mike's. He asked another girl, Lindsay, to Homecoming. He liked her too. But he didn't ask her out, and eventually they stopped talking. But Jen was always in the back of his mind, whenever he saw her he felt the same rush of nervousness, feeling sick to his stomach. One time during lunch, she walked by his group on her way to the parking lot. One of his friends said something about her, about her looks or something. Darin told them Matt was in love with her, and that she'd told him he had pretty eyes. Matt was humiliated, and felt sick again, when his friend, Michael (not Mike) grabbed her backpack as she walked by, saying, "Hey Matt! Look, it's your girl!" All his friends had laughed. She totally ignored them. She hates me, thought Matt. He was pissed at Mike, too, because he found out from Darin that Mike had told Jen Matt had a crush on her. She never talked to him though. She must think I'm a dork, he thought, always insecure. He prayed he wouldn't see her much anymore. But in the beginning of February she was on his track team, and he was elated inwardly. He knew he was going to start liking her again, although he had to admit he hadn't ever stopped. But he didn't want to like her, after all, it was pointless. He'd spent too much time already pining away after her. But he was still happy, and he talked to her sometimes, hoping she wouldn't laugh at him. She got sick once, and didn't come to school for three days in a row. He was disappointed. Mike said she was so sick she was at his house. Matt was jealous. But on Thursday she came to school, and they had a track meet, the first one of the year. It was just a practice meet. She was very quiet, and didn't smile at all. She must be sick still, he thought. She did her event, the hurdles, but came in second to last. She didn't look like she tried very hard, or even cared. His parents came to watch him run towards the end. Jen was still being quiet, sitting by herself on the grass. His mom and dad were talking to some other parents, and Matt, Michael, and Terry sat and watched the final events next to them. Matt watched Jen though, instead. What's the matter? he thought. He wanted to give her a hug. Terry noticed Matt staring at her, and laughed. "Hey Jen!" he yelled. Matt freaked, telling Terry to shut up. He didn't though. "Come here!" he yelled at her. She looked over at them, then looked away. "Hey Jen," Terry yelled. "Matt has something to say to you!" His parents were watching too, interested, and Matt felt like he was going to throw up. He kept telling them to shut up. Jen looked over again, and Terry yelled for her. She slowly got up and walked over to them. Matt didn't look at her. She stood in front of him. "You wanted to say something to me?" she asked, slowly. He shook his head, then looked away. She stared at him for a second, annoyed. "Yuh huh you do!" laughed Terry. "He wants to tell you that he loves you." "Shut up! I do not love you," he told her, rudely. She raised her eyebrows at him, and started to walk away. "No, wait Jen! Come back. Matt's just too shy to tell you how he really feels." She stood there still, sighing. She looked so tired. "Matt has a boner for you," added Michael. "He has wet dreams about you." Matt's head spun. He was so humiliated. And his parents were right there, listening! "Shut up," he mumbled. "Are you a virgin?" asked Terry. "Because Matt wants to know if you'll sleep with him." She rolled her eyes at him, looking sad. "Shut up!" Matt said. "She has a boyfriend," he added, hoping they would leave her alone. She looked at him. "No I don't," she said, sounding disgusted at him. "I don't have one anymore." His eyes widened. "You broke up?" he asked, incredulously. Why? he wondered. That's probably why she was gone. She nodded. "So, it's your big chance Matt!" said Terry. "He wants you bad," he told her. "Will you let him fuck you?" "Fuck off," she said over her shoulder, walking away. Did she mean for him to fuck off too? he wondered. She probably did. See, he thought, she hates me! She knows I like her and now she hates me. His parents were quiet. Thank God they didn't say anything. He sat there, hating his friends and his life until it was time to leave. He called Mike, wanting to find out what had happened. Mike hadn't known they'd broken up, and he didn't believe it. "She was probably kidding," he said. "But she looked really sad," he told him. "Hmm. I'll find out from Dana when she gets home. Hey dude, my parents are going away this weekend. I think Dana's having a party. Wanna come?" "Sure!" he answered. Did he ever! Chapter 30 Ryan felt miserable. He felt sick. He couldn't remember what possessed him to say that shit to Jen. She was right, he was different around some of his friends, Darius among them. He felt like the biggest jackass on the planet. And the loneliest. And now Jen was going to have his baby, and he'd never see his child, or Jen, again. She'll forgive me, he thought. She has to. She fucking has to. Thursday he showed up at her house. He had called earlier, but she'd hung up on him again. She heard his car in her driveway. She slammed her math book down on her bed. He rang the doorbell, then came in anyway. She walked out of the hall, staring him down. Her parents were gone, luckily. "Jen, please. Talk to me! I'm not going to take no for an answer." "Get out." "Don't do this. You can't stay mad at me forever. I don't want you to have an abortion. I'll marry you, I mean it!" he told her, pleading. "It doesn't matter now. We're through." She shook her head, repeating, "It doesn't matter now." "Yes it does matter!" She closed her eyes for a moment, and then turned around and walked into her room. He followed her, sitting on her chair while she played the message from the doctor on the machine. He listened, then dropped his jaw. "You're not pregnant? Oh yes!" "Get out!" she screamed at him. "Come on, don't be like that! I love you!" "You don't love me! You never loved me!" she screamed. "You're not capable of love! You're only capable of loving yourself. I told you, get out! I'm gonna call the cops if you don't. I mean it!" she yelled. "Just listen to me, okay? I'm telling you I'm sorry, and I mean it." "I hate you Ryan." He put his face in his hands. "I love you," he repeated in a whisper. "I fucking love you Jen!" "It's over Ryan. It is over!" He shook his head, saying, "No, baby, can't you forgive me? Please? I love you! Come on, just forgive me. You know we have to work at relationships!" "Oh, don't *even* give me that. Don't even!" she screamed at him. "To a Goddamn extent, yes! This is different, oh my God is this different! "Come on, Jen! Baby, I'm sorry!" She closed her eyes again, shaking, covering her ears with her hands. She shook her head again. She felt his touch on her shoulder, and her eyes flew open, pushing him away. "You're not sorry. You don't understand, do you?" "No, I do understand, but, I'm begging you. Come on, please forgive me," he begged, getting down on his knees in front of her. "Asshole!" she screamed, backing away. "I hate you! The reason you think I should forgive you is because you don't understand what you did. You don't know how bad it was. You don't fucking understand how much you hurt me! You don't even understand! I hate you!" she sobbed. "No, don't say that! I know, I hurt you. I wish I was dead. I never meant to hurt you. Please, don't break up with me." "Break up with you? Me? Excuse me? You broke up with me!" "No I didn't!" "Oh, yes you did. You fucking did! Your actions told me you didn't want me. You broke up with me Monday night! Now we're fucking through!" He shook his head, starting to cry. "No, I didn't! I need you, Jen! Please, don't do this to me!" "To you! God, you are so selfish! You you you! Get out!" she screamed, running down the hall. He followed her, grabbing her while she threw open the front door. "Get out!" she repeating, still sobbing. "You fucking get out right now or I'll call the cops!" "Jen. . . " he begged. "You are not welcome here anymore," she told him, coldly. "Now leave!" He backed away, staring at her, his eyes red from crying. "Get out," she repeated. He left, still staring at her, whispering, "Please. . . It's not over. . . " She slammed the door in his face, locking it. ***** Jen lay on her bed. She thought for an hour, just thinking about what had just happened and what her life was now. She hadn't taken him back. Surely that was a sign of strength, that she hadn't given in. He had probably expected me to, she thought disgustedly. She would never take him back, ever. Dana said she was going to have a party on Friday night, to cheer Jen up. Her parents were gone, and Jen said she wanted to get completely trashed. The week before she had gone to the bookstore for something, and had met a guy who had been hitting on her. She didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, but just smiled and shook her head when he had asked for her number. He insisted on giving her his number though. He had been really cute, extremely good looking actually. What was his name? Kevin? Kasey? She couldn't remember. What had she done with the number? She searched her purse, finally finding the folded bank statement with the number on it. Kasey. She looked at the number for awhile, dreaming of how great it would be if Ryan came over and she was talking to another guy, like she had gotten over him already. She called him. He remembered her! He was nice, a bit quiet though. He had a friend over, and was talking to him off and on in the background. Jen hated that, when Ryan ever did that to her she used to hang up on him if he wouldn't stop. He would always call back, sorry. But she couldn't hang up on Kasey--he would think she hated him. She told him about the party at Dana's the next night. He seemed interested, and she gave him the address. He said he'd try to make it, and that maybe he'd see her there. Finally she hung up, shaking, still hearing his voice in her head. It was a nice voice, she thought. She smiled, willing herself to like Kasey. That would hurt Ryan for sure, she thought. Then maybe he'd get it. Chapter 31 As soon as he showered after track practice, he went over to Mike's. He walked over; he didn't want his mom to ask to speak to Mike's mom when she dropped him off. He had tried to dress cool, in blue jeans and a long-sleeved cotton shirt. He wondered if there would be any girls there, any *new* girls. He was pretty sure Jen would show up, but he knew she wasn't interested in him. But maybe she'll think I'm cute, he had reasoned, brushing his hair as he looked in the mirror. He even shaved, so his face was smooth. Maybe now that she doesn't have a boyfriend she'll be on the make for new guys, he hoped. He asked Mike casually when he went over if he'd ever found out why they had broken up. He had said he would ask his sister. Mike told him the whole story. Matt was shocked, saying over and over, "Whatta dick!" He couldn't believe the way he had treated her. What an asshole! He tried to imagine how scared Jen must have been when she thought she was pregnant. He felt relieved for her that she wasn't. He wondered if she would be really depressed that night. He wondered when she was going to show up. He was scared she never would. Several of Dana's friends came over first, mostly seniors, a few juniors. There was one sophomore guy, who hung out with the seniors. Some of them looked unfamiliar, and Matt wondered if they went to different schools. That was a definite mark of coolness, he thought, to know people that you didn't even go to school with. Finally Jen showed up, and she didn't look depressed at all. She was laughing in fact, and smiled at Matt when she looked at him. She started to drink, getting even happier as the night wore on. A couple of people gathered in the kitchen, and Matt sat at the table. Someone had given him a beer, and he tried to like it. It was disgusting though. It gave him a headache too, although he had to admit he started laughing a bit more easily. People were whispering about Jen and Ryan all night, and he strained his ears to hear what they were saying. He couldn't catch anything but their names though. The music was loud, and Jen insisted on playing this certain Rolling Stones song over and over. She got in a fight with this guy, who, ignoring her pleas, switched it to something else. Pouting, she came back into the kitchen, grabbing another drink. She sat at the table, and Matt, in nervousness, started tapping his feet uncontrollably. "What are you *doing*?" she asked him. He was surprised. "Uh, nothing." "You are so *silly*!" she told him, smiling. He sat there in stunned silence, trying to think of something to say. But she continued talking to other people. There were a lot of cute girls there, a lot of them were older. A couple girls who he didn't know asked him what grade he was in, and seemed surprised that he was a freshman. They told him he looked much older. But then they didn't pay much attention to him. A few freshman girls that Mike had invited all hung out with the older guys, and Matt felt depressed. It isn't fair, he thought. He sat like a stone at the kitchen table, his head starting to hurt. He had only had one beer though, but he'd never drank before. Was he drunk? He didn't know. Everyone was so happy around him, it seemed. Even Jen was laughing, and flirting it seemed, with guys. She had a whole flock around her. Matt felt sick. Jen kept asking what time it was. Matt kept telling her. What was she waiting for? he wondered. Did she have to leave? He hoped not. He hoped they wouldn't let her drive. Jen sat on the counter, crossing her legs. Matt stared at her, then looked away when she looked at him. She played with a pen, while some guy talked to her quietly. She didn't look at him. Matt was dying to know what they were talking about. Was he asking her to go back into one of the bedrooms with him? A girl came in suddenly, saying something to Jen. Matt didn't hear the whole thing, except for Ryan's name. Jen turned pale, rubbing her legs nervously. She shrugged. "I don't care," she said loudly. Matt could tell that wasn't the truth. She continued talking to the guy, all of a sudden seeming to take a new interest in him. Ryan came in the kitchen, stopping as he saw her. She ignored him. Matt watched nervously. Would they fight? He hoped not. He didn't want to see her cry again. Ryan walked up to her, and she looked down as he started to talk to her, not looking at him. The other guy paused and then left after Ryan stared him down. Matt couldn't hear much of what they were saying. He wished someone would turn the stupid music down. He could tell he was trying to get Jen to talk to him. She wouldn't even look at him, though, ignoring him and playing with the pen. Good girl Jen, thought Matt. Dana came in, and so did Corey, who hadn't been there before, both sitting at the table too. Listening as well. The loud music shut off, as someone turned on the television instead. Now they could hear. "Will you please look at me?" begged Ryan. Playing with the pen, it shot out in front of her, hitting the table and skidding onto the floor. Matt jumped. She started laughing. "You're drunk," said Ryan. "Yeah? And you know what? I was having a good time until a couple of minutes ago!" she told him. "Let's go somewhere where we can talk." "How about. . . not!" she laughed. "Jen, please! I know I hurt you, but you can't just give up on me, on us." "You know what Ryan? If you had hit me, that would have hurt me less than what you did," she said suddenly. "Jen! You know I would never hit you!" "Yeah, but if you had, it would have hurt me less!" she repeated. He paused, staring at her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry." "That's nice. You're right though, you *are* sorry." "Come on Jen!" "Fuck you!" she snapped. Uh oh, thought Matt. "Go away!" Ryan sighed. He didn't say anything, just stood there next to her. "Did he ever show up?" asked Dana suddenly, completely randomly. Jen smiled at her. "No," she said, sounding annoyed. "He didn't! I called him but he wasn't there." "Oh, well, he hadn't *promised* that he would come." "Yeah, he hadn't *promised*," said Jen. "Who?" asked Ryan. Matt was wondering the same thing. Jen didn't answer. "Who are you talking about?" he repeated. "Oh, I get it. Gimme a break, Jen! I'm not about to believe you're over me already! Not after three years!" "Well can't you let me try?!?" she demanded, sounding upset. "That's the last thing I'm about to do." "Why did you have to come, Ryan?" she whined. "You ruining my night! I was having fun until you came!" "Jen, please!" She jumped off the counter, running down the hall. Ryan started to follow her, but she came back into the kitchen immediately. She held out a white business envelope to him, saying, "Take it. This is yours. . . " "What is it?" he asked. "Take it," she repeated, handing it to him. He took it, opening it. He shook his head furiously, saying, "Jen, no! No! This is yours! Jen, it's not over, come on!" he whispered, taking the small shiny item out of the envelope and trying to give it to her. She wouldn't take it, saying, "No. I don't want it. You know, it doesn't have my name on it. It's not useless; I'm sure you can always give it to someone else," she said nonchalantly. Ryan bit his lip, trying not to cry in front of everyone. He shook his head again, slowly. "No, Jen! Don't say that. I could never give it to anyone else. This is your ring. Take it." "No," she said coolly. He stared at her. "I don't want it. It's a lie," she told him. His eyes widened, and he shook his head furiously. Matt saw a tear run down one cheek. "It's not. . . " Ryan whispered. She nodded. "Yes it is. It is! You said you'd always be here for me. And you weren't! When I needed you *most* you weren't there!" she accused him, her voice wavering. Matt wondered if she was about to cry. "When I needed you you spat on me! On our whole fucking relationship! You told me to fuck off. You can have your stupid fucking ring." "I'm sorry!" he said again. "I take it back, baby, I do! You and I belong together. I'm so sorry. Don't you love me anymore? Take the ring; it's yours anyway," he whispered. "No." He swallowed, then grabbed her hand, forcing her to take the ring. She yelped, trying to twist away. "This is your ring!" he repeated. "I won't take it back. Even if you don't take me back," he whispered, in tears. "I *won't* take it back." "Oh yeah?" she asked him, backing away from him, holding the ring in a clenched fist in front of her. "This is my ring? To do with what I want?" she stumbled. "Fine," she laughed. She spun on her heal, nearly tripping as she ran into the hall. He took a step forward to follow her, but then stopped. They heard the toilet flush, and he stepped back suddenly. She came back into the kitchen triumphantly. Everyone was staring at her, except for Ryan, who was back leaning against the counter, crying silently. "That's what I think of the ring," she told him, although it was unnecessary. "I love you," he whispered. She just looked at him. Matt wondered if she would give in, if she would say she loved him too. Her face was expressionless. "Well, I guess you really blew it then, didn't you?" she told him coldly. He wiped his eyes, staring at her, and she stared right back. He walked out of the kitchen, Corey following him. The door slammed as they left. Jen stood there, shaking, not looking as confident as she had a minute ago. There were a lot more people in the kitchen, who had come to listen when they heard her yelling. "Jen!" exclaimed Dana. "Oh my God! I can't believe you flushed his ring down the toilet!" "What? Why?" Jen asked, disoriented. "It's over. I don't care." "Oh, Jen, I think he's sorry. You guys will get back together." "No we won't!" "Come on," Dana said. "You should forgive him." "Why? Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?" she snapped. "Your side! But come on, he loves you!" "No, he doesn't love me. He doesn't!" she yelled. "If he's so great, why don't you go out with him!" "Oh come off it!" "Screw you! Your supposed to be on my side. Everybody's against me," she said, starting to cry. "We're not against you! Jen, hey come on Jen!" Jen had fled down the hall, slamming the bathroom door shut behind her. Dana pounded on the door, concerned Jen was trying to kill herself. Jen kept telling her to fuck off. Finally, she came out, crying still. Dana hugged her, as did a couple other friends of hers, telling her she should just lay down and try to rest. Matt stood at the end of the hall as the big group took her, protesting, into Dana's room. Then they all came out, turning off the light so Jen could sleep. Matt was concerned, and part of him wanted to sneak in there and look at her. Maybe kiss her cheek, and cover her up with the blanket like Ryan had done that time. But she'd probably tell him to get out. He wished he was home, in his own bed. He resigned himself to watching television. As it got later, more people left. Dana was drunk, and laying on the floor talking to some guy. Mike sat in a chair in the living room, watching TV with him. But some chick was sitting on Mike's lap, and they were both giggling. Pretty soon they got up and went down the hall. A few other people sat in the kitchen, talking and finishing the rest of the alcohol off. Matt had never felt so alone. He wanted to go to bed, but knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. He had figured he'd sleep in Mike's room like he usually did, but he guessed not. His head still hurt, but not as much. He was grateful he hadn't drunk more. Or maybe he should have gotten smashed, so he could have been passed out by now. He heard Jen come down the hall. She looked really gone, her eyes were swollen, and she had dark circles under them. But she was still beautiful, he thought. She walked by them, nearly falling down as she opened the front door. Dana sat up. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Home," Jen mumbled. "I'm goin' home." "No, Jen!" Dana exclaimed, getting to her feet dizzily. She grabbed her hand, trying to pull her back inside. "Stay here. You can't leave. You're drunk!" "No, I can drive," Jen stumbled. "It's not very far." "No you're drunk!" Jen started to cry again. "It's okay, I'm drunk too! We're both drunk. We're sisters!" Jen started to laugh, then cry again. "Well, then I'll walk home. I need to get home!" she sobbed. "No, you're staying here!" "No. You can't stop me from leaving. I gotta go. There's things I need to do at home." "No there's not. You stay here." "No! I'm leaving," she sobbed, heading out into the black night. "Wait, Jen! Stay!" yelled Dana after her. "I'll get someone to drive you home! Just a minute, okay? Come back here, though." Matt still sat there, watching quietly. Jen stood in the doorway, crying. I could drive her home, he thought. Driving is easy. Unless it's a stick shift. I can probably drive an automatic. Dana ran into the kitchen. Everyone there was drunk, still drinking. Nobody could drive, Matt heard them all saying it. The guy on the floor looked at Matt, sitting on the couch quietly. "Hey, why don't you take her home?" he slurred. "Are you drunk?" Matt shook his head. Dana looked at him. "No, he's a freshman. He can't drive." "Well she doesn't live far. He can walk her home. He's just a freshman, nothing's gonna happen," the guy told her. Matt blushed. "Yeah, Matt," said Dana, looking at him. "Okay. Can you walk her home? It would be a big favor. Make sure she gets home safely. Please?" "Sure," he said, standing up and glancing nervously at Jen. "No problem." continued. . . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi. If you reply to this message, your message WILL be *automatically* anonymized and you are allocated an anon id. Read the help file to prevent this. Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.