NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/soc/motss/54050

Internet Message Format | 1992-12-29 | 6.4 KB

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Newsgroups: soc.motss
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Gilly)
Subject: Re: My 5-year HS Reunion... the results!
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Summary:   10-year reunions can sometimes be revealing
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Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 02:40:21 GMT
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> My first plan was to contact a male classmate whom I know to be gay
> (I haven't come out to him) and make a deal -- I'll bring a
> same-sex date if he will, or he and I can go together.
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hmmm, was this your way of coming out to him, or did you both understand
this to refer only to a friend?

> But lately I've been thinking that I'd never be able to look at
> myself in the mirror if I cowered in the closet during this
> reunion.

Sounds like this should be your operating principle.

> Tom's experience is encouraging, although I keep reminding
> myself that his high school is in New York, not Millbrook,
> Alabama...

To paraphrase from some of the popular coming-out literature:
What are the repercussions?  For anyone who might find out,
will they have some power over you if they know?

> One thing that bothers me -- every coming-out to old friends has a
> ripple effect, which usually manifests itself in the revisionist
> history that goes on with formerly close friends. For example, one
> of my best friends was the head cheerleader (I know, I can barely
> believe it myself these days). If I come out, will she do the
> OhmigoddidIeverundressin- frontofherataslumberparty routine?

> Should I care about her peace of mind?

Only if her well-being is more important than *your* peace of mind.
My coming out to close high school friends has not affected our
friendship.  Hopefully this will be the case with you.  It may
depend on how long you've known each other.

> On the other hand, there is a dear male friend who was crazy about
> me in high school, and neither one of us could figure out at the
> time why I wanted to be nothing more than friends with him. Now I
> know, and perhaps letting him in on that would convince him he's
> not a geek.

Let's hope so.  On the other hand, if he's still crazy for you and
is hoping to renew the friendship, you might shatter his illusion.
(More about this further on.)

> Or maybe I haven't crossed his mind since graduation. At what point
> does coming out cause more problems than it solves? Again, does it
> matter?

It shouldn't, but it might.  I've noticed something at my reunions
that may apply in general.  At my five-year, most people
(including me) were still feeling emotionally and temporally close
to their high school years.  You still feel pretty much like a
student, and you think of many people in almost the same way
you did during high school.

At my 10-year reunion, I sensed changes in the way I reacted to
others, and the way others reacted to me.  People are embarking
on careers, raising families -- drifting from the bygone days.
This creates an emotional and temporal distance that encourages
people to reflect rather candidly sometimes on their past feelings.
(Maybe 10 years out is the first time people begin to relate the "past"
to the present.)

For example, at my 10-year reunion in 1991, I was stymied by
revelations from a female acquaintance.  In high school, she had not
been popular.  She'd been in one or two of my classes; I'd tutored her
in math; I'd asked her out to a movie once.  At the reunion, she drew
much attention as the legendary "ugly duckling" who had become a
beautiful swan.  She'd lost weight and was stylishly made up and
attired.

After getting thoroughly drunk (and having flirted with me and others
during the evening), she told me all about her new-found self-esteem.
About her miserable high school years.  And then ... the recollection
caused her to burst out in waves of crying.  She went on to say how
much she'd admired me, how I had been the *only* man to treat her
nicely (she cited that *I* had been her only date in high school).

"Oh, come on," I protested supportively.  "You had other friends
in high school."

"All my other male friends turned out to be gay.
[Uh oh! -- I thought.]  You were the only *man* who was ever nice to
me."

I was taken aback by her wording, not to mention the implications, for
I realized then how important it was for her to believe that she had been
befriended or dated by someone who was *capable* of relating
with her as boy-girl.  It was as if I had been the saving grace of her
entire high school experience.  And here she was, thanking me for it.
How could I destroy that memory for her?

I demurred by asking, with mock devil's-advocacy, "Well, how do you know
I'm not ...?"

I don't remember her exact response -- something about her never doubting
my masculinity.  She did not pursue this, so I continued to comfort her
as she cried, her head resting on my shoulder.

It was an awkward few minutes to be sure, and never before or since have
I been so conscious of the possible consequences of telling someone I'm gay.

Oddly enough, earlier that same evening, another female acquaintance
(in junior high band, we were seat-neighbors and shared a music stand)
confided that she'd had a crush on me back then.  Kind of made me wonder
about her asking me how I was doing, was I married, etc.

> Oh, well... I have two years to stew over this. Any input is
> appreciated...

Well, you've read mine.  I realize it is largely personal reflection.
Perhaps you'll find it applicable if I make two summary points:

1)  Watch out:  weird things can happen at 10-year reunions.

2)  If you have any doubt about a motos's reactions to your news,
    try to find out the history behind his feelings toward you.
    Find out if the intervening years have been good to him.
    Do you intend to continue in a close friendship?

Good luck planning your reunion.
    Daniel
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Daniel Gilly                                 Oracle Corporation
[e-mail]                         Redwood Shores, CA