NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/misc/activism/progress/9557

Text File | 1992-12-22 | 6.5 KB | 114 lines

Newsgroups: misc.activism.progressive
Path: sparky!uunet!wupost!mont!pencil.cs.missouri.edu!daemon
From: New Liberation News Service <[e-mail]>
Subject: NLNS: INS DEPORTS SANTA!!!
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Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 13:27:09 GMT
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/* Written  9:57 pm  Dec 20, 1992 by [e-mail] in igc:nlns.samples */
/* ---------- "NLNS PACKET 3.6 *** 12/11/92" ---------- */
I.N.S. Deports Santa Claus on Christmas Eve
Dr. Art Salzberg,
News International

(NLNS)--Mr. Santa Claus, well-known international religious figure and
Christmas-time distributor of toys to children world-wide, was apprehended
by U.S. immigration authorities and deported to Mexico late on the evening
of December 24.
    Santa and Mrs. Claus, who had been making toys at the North Pole
for centuries, had recently relocated to Mexico. Their advancing years,
rheumatism and proximity to the American children who were the largest
users of their services, were cited as reasons for the move.
    Santa's toyshop has done very well in Mexico, where Mexicans
actually respect their senior citizens and life in a small Mexican village, was
very pleasant for the Clauses.
    On December 24, a new line of toys having been produced, Santa
loaded the sleigh and harnessed the reindeer, kissed his wife goodbye and
started off on his appointed Christmas rounds. He proceeded to ascend the
sky, crossing over the border at San Diego. Mr. Claus noticed that there
was a border fence, which reminded him of the Berlin Wall of previous
years, between two supposedly friendly nations, America and Mexico.
    The passage went smoothly for Santa in his first journey over this
border in North America. After all, it was the night before Christmas and
good will to all has long been associated with this holiday.
    Unknown to Mr. Claus, his movements were being monitored by
American immigration authorities. His passage was deemed as highly
irregular and in violation of the standard border-crossing procedures. All
persons crossing the border must stop at the American border gates. When
Santa failed to do so, an alert went out to all police.
    The FBI and other American authorities called into question Mr.
Clauses identity: was this the same Santa Claus who for centuries had
entered the USA from the North? Several surveillance aircraft were
dispatched to track his movements.
    Claus, who had always had a compassionate attitude towards the
poor, had noticed the increase of homeless families on the streets of wealthy
San Diego. He had also never forgotten the homeless Mexican farm
workers who lived in the fields of San Diego County. Giving toys to these
two groups, as well as many other impoverished children, fulfilled his
sense of the true meaning of Christmas. Allegedly related to a Prophet from
Bethlehem whose father was an unemployed carpenter and who himself
was born in a barn when his parents were turned away from an Inn, Claus
felt that his mission was to follow in the footsteps of his antecendent and
become a champion of the poor.
    The United States authorities were befuddled by Santa's comings
and goings, as he was observed giving away toys and love to one and all
that evening. Claus was violating the rites of capitalism by not charging for
the toys. The capitalist "free" market had to prevail in San Diego, even on
Christmas Eve.
    Claus also aroused suspicion by fraternizing with the Mexican
farmworkers, speaking with them in Spanish, which he had been learning
in his new home. The U.S. government subsequently ordered their agents
to halt what seemed to them to be a "radical" Santa from completing his
Christmas deliveries to the poor of San Diego.
    Immigration and Naturalization Service (I.N.S) agents apprehended
Claus as he was delivering some toys in Southeast San Diego. His sleigh
was forced down in a toxic chemical waste dump. Upon demand to produce
a passport, Santa claimed he had been a "citizen of the world" from time
immemorial and that a passport identifying him as being of one nationality
would be a burden in his profession. Claus also failed to produce a green
card entitling him to legal residence and the right to work in the United
States. Claus was placed in handcuffs and shackled as his sleigh and
reindeer were impounded.
    At an arraignment before an Immigration judge, Santa was found to
be guilty of illegal entry into the United States. Claus, who refused a court-
appointed attorney who had advised him to plead guilty and throw himself
on the mercy of the court, cited a centuries-old precedence for his actions as
he had long been distributing toys to poor children in America and
elsewhere on Christmas Eve. The Judge, Will B. Grabbing Peoples, a
Ronald Reagan appointee to the judiciary, made the discovery that Santa had
made an illegal crossing. The judge found that his political Christmas
philosophy was tantamount to an alien doctrine of sedition. The sleigh was
judged to be an illegal flying machine which posed a "clear and present
danger" to the U.S. air defense system.
    Since Santa was stateless, the court claimed no alternative but to
deport him to the nation of his choosing. Since Mexico, unlike its northern
neighbor, has a tradition of accepting individuals who were stateless and
prosecuted elsewhere, Santa was driven in chains to the Mexican border at
Tijuana with a busload of other "illegals" and released into Mexico.
    Upon his return to his new home in Mexico, the people there
welcomed him as a triumphant hero. Many locals expressed the feeling that
Claus was one of them, that he had joined the ranks of the poor working
people who were unwelcome in the land to the north, which had originally
belonged to them before it was taken away over 140 years ago.
    Many American children were unable to receive their customary toys
and other presents from Santa Claus in 1992, a year which also marks the
500th anniversary of the start of the European invasion of this ancient
continent. American children will be hanging up their stockings in vain. The
spirit of Christmas having been declared contrary to the advance of
"democracy" and a "free market," Santa has been declared persona non
grata and has been placed on the list of foreigners who are not allowed to
enter the United States.

News International can be reached at 6161 El Cajon Blvd. #4, San Diego,
CA 92115; [phone].

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