NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/alt/angst/4415

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-20 | 3.8 KB

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From: [e-mail] (Rachel J. Perkins)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: When Things Go Bump (was Re: a cure for angst?)
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 19 Nov 92 23:59:17 GMT
References: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: University of Arizona, Tucson, AZ
Lines: 65

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (sine nomine) writes:
>
>From: [e-mail] (nathan marsh)
>
>In article <[e-mail]>,
>[e-mail] (Rachel J. Perkins) said:
>>[...]
>>why. does anyone else have these feelings of being a fake, or that everyone's
>>going to somehow 'find out' that you have no business doing what you're
>>doing, or being who you are?
>
>: Fear that someone "knows", I think, usually comes from inside and is
>: projected onto other people.  That is, you feel fake and out of
>: control, and fear that it must be obvious to other people.
>:
>: So what?  If they can recognize the signs, they've probably felt the
>: same way themselves at some point.
>
>but one of the key things about feeling like a fake is thinking that
>no one else ever feels that way. it's tied into thinking that there's
>a cosmic guidebook that everyone except you has seen. everyone else in
>the world has figured this social stuff out, and you're just standing,
>hands in pockets, looking at the ground and trying not to be noticed.

in this instance, that's exactly what i don't do. i'm outspoken (i refer to
myself as obnoxious), and people seem to like me that way. i am a well-
known person around here. i have lots of friends, and some might even
consider me popular. but every so often, fairly often, i have a sudden
chill, and a feeling that i'm making a complete fool of myself, and that
everyone's in on the joke but me. no matter how indispensible, how popular,
how attractive, how surrounded by people i am, i always have that horrible
feeling. it's a child of responsibility. because i was taught so far back
that to be responsible is to care what other people are thinking, especially
of you. and so now, i constantly look over my shoulder.

i have a constant battle going on inside me, the battle between doing what
i want to do, and doing what other people think i should do. i see other
students my age and younger without a care in the world, who couldn't give
a shit about what they're doing to hurt their parents, or their SO, and
i half wish i could be that callous. but i can't. and instead i'm considerate
to a fault, enough to hurt myself rather than hurt another. how can a person
not care? i undertand that it's cool to be detached, but this is ridiculous.
has society programmed all of the younger generations to take and not give,
look out only for number one? i think it has, and it terrifies me. no wonder
the politicians are getting worse, the academic records are in the toilet,
the crime rate soaring...it's not an option to care about another human.

it's only us, only the ones who are sensitive enough to see pain in others
and realize that it's important who are left. and there aren't nearly
enough to make a difference...

sorry, this wasn't meant to be a 'preachy' posting, it just sort of bubbled
up from the 'my parents made me what i am' thought. and i guess they were
pretty decent in some respects, although their views on women and society
are pretty archaic.

bah.

ObAngst: no job in sight, and tuition payments loom on the horizon.

--
        -just give me what for,
    rachel perkins =  [e-mail]
      "Chastity..the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions...."
                    -Aldous Huxley