PC Action 1996 September

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Text File | 1996-01-26 | 63.6 KB | 2,411 lines

Hey it's the fat baker! Hah it's the schmuck with the face So Baker how's it hanging? Hey I need help to save the world How's the sticky bun market? Hah what do you care? You never call. You never write Hey I've been busy. What can I say? I'm worrying myself into an early grave. Your chicken soup Hah your chicken soup. Ruined. But ah what do you care? Woah. Isn't this dialogue cliched? Ah it's a small part. You have to make the most of it Yeah well thanks for everything Yeah sure you need help but ah to save the world? Sure. But it's a long story. Do you have anything on this list? A match? Your face and week old bread? A bowling ball? You think this is a bowling alley? No I have nothing. You can see my shelves are bare Well thanks for nothing Aren't your dumplings like bowling balls? I'm sure you've something Hey I make one mistake. Cement. Flour. Who can tell the difference? Look it was a joke Joke. My lawyer was the joke. I'd have fired him but it was his first case after leaving the circus. He had such a huge red nose. Big pants. And hey he was cheap Look I'm finding this hard to swallow Oh so you heard his defence speech? Right. Well thanks for nothing I have nothing. Business is bad. The only thing I have in the world is my commemorative frying pan Well I could probably use that Commemorative frying pan? Hey why not. You got cups. You got dishes. You got medals So could I take it now? Well I never thought of that Ah well that's the problem you don't think If you thought you wouldn't have hair like that Yeah I guess I'm stupid to talk to you Who said you could have it. It has sentimental value Could I buy it? Could I swap something for it? I'd rather sell one of my family. Aunt Rifka for a start Well it was worth trying Not for all the bagels in New York Business is bad So people aren't buying your buns People aren't buying buns. The're not buying cakes. Bread. Doughnuts. Bagels. You name it the're not buying So how come the shop is empty? That's a sad tale You think I'm stupid. You think I'd stand over a hot stove when business is bad? Hey makes sense to me. Catch you later Have you thought about advertising? And have you thought about surgery? Surgery Yes to have your mouth sewn up Hey I'd be offended if I thought your opinion mattered Ah if it's a sad tale you want, you should talk to my Uncle Hymie. Forty years in the shoe business and what does he have to show for it? A bad back and an extreme aversion to feet Well yes that's sad Then there's my cousin Sal.. Hey Baker hang loose and I'll catch you later Look Baker I need your frying pan Did I say you could have it? Okay you asked for it Hey Baker your buns are no good But I have no buns schmuck Big boy! Eaten too many cakes? Hey they needed testing. What can I say? I never realised monkeys could bake And I never realised they could talk Roly poly baker makes roly poly puddings So it's my speciality Where'd you learn to cook? Maths class? Hey go figure Hey frog face. Caught any flies? I like to keep my shop free from pests. So take the hint Doughboy! You eyes are like currants Yeah and you're raisin my temperature so scram I fed your cake to the ducks. They sank They were probably trying to get away from your face Hey Baker. Isn't your face illegal? Not as illegal as what I'll do to you. So beat it Your icing is like concrete You're doing nothing to cement our relationship You could use your bread as paving stones And I could use your face to sweep them Hey Baker you're dough's all soggy Soggy? Soggy? I don't have to take this Take that and don't darken my door again Gankyou vebby much Hey Baker It's me again Ah you think I care. Now beat it Hey Vera! It's Bud. How's it going? Vera? Me not Vera. Me Violet Hey Violet. You're looking good Violet always look good. Violet pretty girl That's a very seductive uniform Are you a relation of Vera the bouncer? Can I see the dentist? No. Dentist through wall. Boy not see through wall No..Ver..Violet. Could I go through to see the Dentist? Boy go through wall? Violet enjoy that No through the door Violet not let anyone through door without card Card? Appointing card. Dentist very strict about appointing card So could I make an appointment? Well it didn't really matter anyway Yeah. But dentist have big waiting list. Come back in three years Dentist see boy then But that may be too late! Then Violet knock all boy's teeth out now. Save boy waiting Hey is that the time. Catch you later But I've got an appointment card Violet check. Make sure it not a clever forgery Here it is This appointing card for C. Cluck, Violet thought boy's name was Bud? It..er..Hey the C is short for Bud Ah..er..C's really look like B's Violet never thought of that. Boy go through door Can the Dentist see me yet? Not without the appointing card Okay. I'll be back. Catch you later No Violet not know anyone called Vera. Why boy ask? You remind me of him Nothing. It doesn't really matter Him? Him? But Violet a girl Oh yeah right. I can see that Perhaps Violet forget Vera. Violet not remember much lately Only that Mr Tate is a nice man Hey perhaps you've been brain washed Sure. Mr Tate. Nice. Yeah Violet detect note of disbelief in voice of boy Nah. Me and Mr Tate go back a long way Boy sure? Let me think about for a while Hey would I lie to you? Boy have honest face. Ugly. But honest What can I say? I'm flattered But then Violet's hair would be wet Brain wash. A quick rinse would be have been sufficient Violet has greasy hair. Would need special shampoo Hey it's time for a reality check. Catch you later No time to talk. Catch you later Boy make sheep's eyes at Violet. Violet flattered Hey..No..wait..I..er Boy go red. Hur Hur. Boy regret saying things he said Er..Yeah. So catch you later Not if Violet catch you first. Sugarplum I've got an appointment card Violet check card Violet let boy in dentists for such nice pretty card Woah Deja Vu! Thanks "V" catch you later Hey the dentist wasn't there! Dentist at school. Teaching Pain 101 to students Dentist send students to Violet. Violet punch them in the mouth Why? Homework Yeah that figures. Well no time to talk So how's it hanging? Boy keep quiet. Violet not want to be disturbed. Violet thinking Violet is philosopher. Now push off before Violet prove boy not exist I need to see the dentist again Boy still have appointing card? Safely inside my pocket Then boy go through door Thanks Violet Woah! This place gets stranger and stranger Who on earth are you? I am the eye that sees everything So where's Mary Putty? What colour are my underpants then? Are you a friend of Tate's? Mary Putty was found to be surplus to requirements Red with yellow checks We are all a friend of Tate, and Tate is a friend to all Sounds ominous What did you do to her? She was mothballed like all antiquated equipment It was Poor Mary, she was a great help to me once I doubt that very much Well Eye can you help me? So is this still tourist information? I'm looking for certain items Wrong! The're yellow with red checks Such pedantry from one so small Yeah Tate's a great pal of mine Doesn't he have bad dress sense though? Tate's the best friend I've ever had Pal? Ah yes a colloquial term for a friend. Interesting I suspect that your words are derogatory in nature You've had friends? With hair like that? I can help even you, for that is my raison d'etre This is for all the lost souls who have not found the true way of Tate If it is in my power I shall endeavour to be of assistance Another wise guy eye. That's all I need Yeah! And they were all jealous of me My hair's usually the talk of the town Why were they bald? Really? It must be a small town I'd love to trade insults all day but I need help I am not a wiseguy. I am a wise eye Hey! It's what I'm best at A wisecrack a day keeps the doctor away Okay eye here's the problem Yeah well I'm an interesting kinda guy In the same way that pond life is interesting I concur that it is your primary talent That is an exercise in sophistry I think I wholeheartedly agree Now how can I be of assistance? A friend of mine is constructing a machine and he needs certain components Is there anything you have that would be of use? Hmm an intriguing problem Describe the nature of the device It's a er..giant mousetrap Curious I did not realise that Tate City Still it may prove to be of benefit. I will help upon completion of a taxing conundrum. Then you may claim a prize Great! No problem Very well the riddle I set is this In marble halls as white as milk Lined with a skin as soft as silk Within a fountain crystal clear A golden apple doth appear That's easy it's a banana It's a small asthmatic weasel A combine harvester? Is it a yellow bulldog? That is sadly incorrect. Think harder next time Hey big eye I'm back! So I observe. Well have you an answer? Sure it's a tyrolean pancake An orange aardvark? A slightly peeved sea anemone Is it a lightly boiled frog? Wrong in all senses of the word Not even close Completely wrong. Is this too difficult? Wrong! Eye! Eye! Eye! I'm back! Leave me be mortal. You have defeated me You're just a sore loser Begone! Hey! Eye I think I've cracked it! Remarkable. Pray what is your answer? O Eye, it is an egg That is unfortunately correct. Very well watch carefully and choose wisely Ready when you are eye! First we have a classic automobile.. Hey wow! That'll do for me! ..Which is sadly out of stock at the moment What a surprise Next we have a rather startled cow.. Hmm okay the prof could do something with that ..Which isn't available this week Right I think I'm getting the idea What about a typewriter? Do you have one? No I'll pass on that one then There's this really nice peach Well..Okay..What's the catch? I ate it this morning Is there anything you have which I could use I have in my possession a tube of solvent Solvent? What sort of a prize is that? It's for solvent the riddle That's a terrible joke Take it or leave it Okay I'll take it. Thanks eye I enjoyed this No doors are there in this stronghold Yet thieves break in to steal the gold had a problem with giant mice Hey there muscleman Muscleman? But my name Egbert So Egbert. What is this place? Can I get past? Egbert guarding entrance to Tate tower Sounds like a cool job It's this toga. Wind whistles round legs Hey it's been great but I'll catch you later Egbert not allowed to let anyone past who doesn't worship Mr Tate Hey no problem. I think he's great That not good enough What about Tate's the best? Hmm no. Egbert not letting you past Hey I was worth a try. Catch you later Hey Egbert I'm back Yeah and? No further boy. This is concent..contemp...constipated ground And now on "That's my herring!" your efficacious host Grunt Spatula... Heyy! Heyy! Love you! I Lurrvvve you all.. Please you're too kind.. Well in a spleen wobbling show tonight we have an extra special mystery guest. A mystery guest so awesomely wonderful that I am almost unworthy to share the same stage. But for the sake of your delectation and entertainment ladies and gentlemen I am prepared to take that risk. But first a reminder of the rules for all you herring tyros. Hidden deep within the bowels of television centre hides the mystery owner of tonight's herring. Guess his or her identity from two simple clues and by phoning this toll free number you the noble viewer could win this genuine antique "THAT'S MY HERRING" cuckoo clock that we had made last week. Sooooo without further ado let's play "THAT'S MY HERRING.....!" And now the first clue....Slugs and Snails and potted meats are an ontological banquet And the second clue...Green grows the grass after a crepuscular discourse Well I'm sure that's made everything perfectly clear. So ring now on this number with your answer I'll be waiting for your call Well we still haven't identified our mystery guest despite some very good guesses. Were our clues to difficult? Surely not for such a gorgeously talented audience such as yourselves. So come on ring in you lovely people. I'll be waiting for your call. Aha! A caller on line two! Hello you pulchritudinous viewer you. Can you identify our mystery guest? Yes..It's Burt Domino..No..er..Skiffle O'Reilly Ptang YarrowStalk..Zeebadee Goonhilly.. No I'm afraid you're completely wrong. Though of course such a delicate talent can never be completely wrong. So here's your consolation prize of harmonious dialling tone Aha! A caller on line ten! Hi there O wonderful viewer. Can you identify our mystery guest? Sure can Grunt. It's Olaf Particle, prawn wrestler extraordinaire Hey! Hey! Hey! The young sir has cogitated correctly and identified tonight's mystery guest. So welcome Olaf Particle and thankyou my sagacious contestant your prize is on it's way! Hey I know you guys! You're famous world leaders That's uh right son. That's us fer sure Is there anything I can do to help? How can I get you guys out? When did Tate do this? I'll help as soon as I can Well my momma'll sure be worried by now.. and then there's my shoes Your shoes? Yeah my suede shoes. They're sure are scuffed now What colour are your shoes? You're worried about shoes!? Green. Tate stepped on my green suede shoes Sure son. My momma gave me those shoes I wouldn't try it son. The bars are electrified So what'll happen? You'll be all shook up son. All shook up Isn't there a key somewhere? There must be a way somehow Don't worry son we're doing jus' fine in here At least you have company not like that guy over there Yeah, well son I keep asking him are you lonesome tonight? But he never answers That sounded like a song You trying to be funny son? No..You're the King. I wouldn't be funny to the King That's right son and don't you forget it You sure like your mom For a birthday present? What size are they? Sure son a momma's a guy's best friend When you're the king you get presents all the time The right size What about blue sneakers are they cool? Uh blue sneakers huh? Sure son but not as cool as green suede shoes. But sure son That's the nicest thing anyone's said all day You surprise me son with hair like that I'll go now but I'll be back There's always a way but for now son I'm beat What about a tunnel? Have you got a large length of rope? I'll go away and think of something It's this jailhouse rock son it's too hard Rope son? Do I look like I have rope? What about your belt? Are you implying something about my girth son? No not at all. It's just right Well you're not exactly thin That's what I thought son Who wants to be thin son. The thin don't have fun It must be heatbreaking being alone like that Yeah this is a real heartbreak hotel son Well I can't do anything just yet but I'll be back That's profound Son, you've found a round profound hound dog in the pound Hey your worshipfullnesses..I'm back Uh-huh you sure are son He snuck up on us son jes' last night All the world leaders? Why would he do that? And then what? Every last one of us son We've been cloned son. Right down to the last rhinestone So what happened then? Cloned using the professor's machine! Uh-huh and now there's a false King out there I need to use your mighty intellect Sure Bud but hurry there is much work to be done I've got a riddle needs solving Ah about the mysteries of life Ja? Something like why the chicken crossed the road? No prof just an ordinary riddle That is a pity. We could learn so much if only we knew what motives the chicken had for crossing the road Woah prof can I just tell you the riddle? Certainly Bud I am listening closely In marble halls as white as milk Lined with skin as soft as silk Within a fountain crystal clear A golden apple doth appear No doors are there in this stronghold Yet thieves break in to steal the gold So what do you make of that prof? Hmm interesting use of scansion So what's the answer prof? Let me think about this one Bud Sure prof I'll be back soon So prof have you solved the riddle? Naturally Bud, though it was an intriguing challenge So what's the answer? A small avian ovoid or egg to be precise An egg? Ja simple wasn't it? Hey thanks prof. Catch you later Hey how's it going? Are you up to something? No I'm just looking Hey don't be so suspicious Well look somewhere else because I've got my eye on you Gee do you treat all your customers like this? Customers? Never let them in the shop But I'm here Yeah so don't be I'm only suspicious of oxygen breathers So politicians are safe then Hey you're a real wise guy aren't you? Yeah well..hey thanks So wise up and clear off Hey Mr store detective how's it going? Push off kid I've got a shop to watch Hey gerrof! I'm watching you Hi there buddy. How much are your balloons? To you, one hundred Tate dollars, Sir How much to any one else? Tate dollars? I've got no money. Thanks anyway One hundred Tate dollars You know I really hate it when people say that Do you want one? Sure. But I haven't got one hundred Tate dollars Then beat it kid. I've got a wife and fifteen gherkins to feed Did you say gherkins? Could you lend me a balloon? Indeed I did! Tate City, Tate dollars, Tate people and gherkins I think I'm going to throw up Too much Tate ale? Too much Tate! Lord Tate provides Yeah, and he taketh away, too I begeth your pardon? Yeah, he's obviously taken your brain Of course! Just as soon as you get me a date with Marylin Monroe It's been nice talking to you. Bye Are my lips out of sync? Lips out of sinc..? You some kind of parrot? No! Ask me nicely. Then I'll consider lending you one of my balloons Please, sir, can I have one of your balloons Uhm...No! Never a borrower of a lender be, my little munchkin I can see you've got problems. I'll catch you later "To you, one hundred Tate dollars" when it's the same price to anyone else We owe Lord Tate so much. He truly is wonderful "On a wonderful day like today..." I only deal in Tate dollars, boy Yo! How's it hanging? Leave me alone. I'm rehearsing for my next role "Life is but a walking shadow a poor player who struts and fretts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. 'Tis a tale told by an idiot.. Urm... I require absolute silence Yeah, well judging by that performance, that's the response you'll get Leave me alone Hi! My name's Bud, and you're one hot chick! M-M-My name, sir, is Cla..Cla..Clarissa Why are you so nervous? Where's the dentist? Why so scared? Are you chicken? I take it you are not familiar with this dentist Why come here then? I'm waiting for my half yearly check up Well, how would you like to come with me? What ever did you have in mind? Have you heard of a guy called Dick Tate? I need some feathers for my duvet Dick Tate! That man is crazy. He's taking over Barryville So, you don't like him? Like him! Sir, if I were not a lady, I would peck him to pieces So you'll come with me then? But what could I do for you? Tate's planning to take over the world Well, anything is better than being a battery hen Okay, okay, I get the picture. I don't need a diagram Then Sir, I am yours! Y-Y-You're not one of Tate's henchmen are you? Hey, calm down, that was a joke. I'm an arch enemy of Tate's So am I! I escaped from a battery farm So, you don't like Tate? Out to lunch Yeah, like most of the people around here I, sir, am a hen A very nervous hen You would be nervous if you were on the run On the run? From who? Colonel Saunders. I do not intend to wind up in a bargain bucket He enjoys inflicting pain upon his patients I was a free range hen until he came up with the idea of intensive poultry rearing The Professor and I can stop him, but we need your help You cannot imagine what it's like having a one and a half volt battery jammed- Hey Clarissa, it's Bud again Why I do believe it is Where's the dentist? Quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn Hi, kid, that's a nice balloon...What's wrong the cat got your tongue? My parents told me never to talk to strangers Do I look like a stranger? You mean you've got parents? I wonder if you could help me? How would I know, I've never seen you before My name's Bud Tucker. There, now we're not strangers are we? That's a matter of opinion. What you going to do next? Would you swap your balloon for candy? Lost a puppy? I'm looking for these Nice talking to you kid. Catch you later What did I tell you? Candy always comes into it Well? Will you trade the balloon for some candy or not? You ever known a kid who didn't like candy? No! Then hand over the candy and take this stupid balloon I'll be right back Jeez, what a bozo Do you work in a junk yard? No. I need these to build a trap Do I look like a I work in a junkyard? You got the cash? No Then how you going to get them? Swap. Trade. Whatever. You want to trade that balloon? For what? A big bunch of pretty flowers.. A lovely pink dress, tied with big bows A soppy-eyed puppy Hey, wake up and smell the nineties. Anything else? Such as? A great big mouth watering teeth rotting complexion spoiling candy bar! I'll see what I can do. Hang on to that balloon No Thank you But you smell like you do Catch you later, kid No, I was found in the cabbage patch, where the stork left me So much for the innocence of childhood... Why, you lost? No, I'm trying to find these items Mumble..Mumble...Hula Girl outfit! My mother warned me about boys like you.. Tell me you're looking for your lost puppy or offer me some candy? It's ruining my street cred Course I've got parents. Bozo Hi kid, that's a nice balloon you have there Hey listen Mister, I don't talk to strangers But I'm not strange Well that's your opinion Look I need your balloon I need help Yeah? Well I'm a child psychologist Are you? You do need help Could I swap your balloon for a delicious bar of candy? Could you? Well lets think about this One scrummy yummy mouth watering candy bar for this crummy balloon? Tough one...sure I'd swap dummy It's a trade? Hand over the candy and take the balloon. It's ruining my street cred Why? This sounds suspicious to me It's a long story..but once upon a time.. Is that the sun setting over there? Well no So it can't be time for a bedtime story yet Hi kid! Hello Mister. You got my candy bar? Sure do! I couldn't find one anywhere Trade? Trade Round the teeth and round the gums watch out tummy cause here it comes! You're just like all the adults. Promises, promises, promises Hey, kid, can't you take a joke? You've got my candy bar? Sure have, here! Gee, thanks Mister! Hi kid! Hello Mister. You got my candy bar? Well er..actually..not yet Gee so maybe you should do something about it Sure. Catch you later Hi guys. Bud Tucker's the name and pool's my game Yeah, well push off Blood sucker. Can't you see we're playing pool? Yeah, push off Blood Sucker The name's Bud Tucker Why the hostility? Chill out dudes What's your names? Yeah! Well I think blood sucker sounds better, you look like a leech. Hahaha Yeah, your face looks like a sand dune. Hahaha I said leech, not beach, you daft bugger! Er..Yeah, yeah, a leech on a beach, stuck on a sand dune. Hahaha Look, I'm not looking for trouble Well, what are you looking for? Blood! Hahaha I crack the funnies You could have fooled me How about giving me a game? Any idea where I can get a sail and mast? Do you know Richard Tate? Hey, we've got a leech that wants to give blood A leech that wants to give blood. Hey, we're the blood bank I thought the Dodo was extinct What was that? Yeah, what was that? Hey! Cool, we've got stereo! I think he's taking the pith Baff I think you mean he's taking the p- I know what I mean! Get him Baff! Getting him Biff Not exactly the best of buddies are they? Sure! Sure! We'll use you as the 8 ball. Hahaha 8 ball. Hahaha I'm surprised you can count that high Yeah the size of your IQ...Combined! Which one's Jeckyl and which one's Hyde? Are you guys related to King Kong? Eight ball corner pocket! Go for it Baff! Going for it Biff! Hey watch it! I know judo, karate, aikido and lot's of other oriental words Oh, yeah, then watch this for a combined effort. Hit him Baff Hitting him Biff! If you've got it..Flaunt it You're just about to find out. Get him Baff! Which one am I Biff? Jeckyl or Hyde? Just hit him! Keep taking the medicine boys Biff show you who's related to King Kong! Will Biff show Baff, too? Hey, I've found the missing link! Bottom of the ocean. Hahaha There's a sale on at Maceys You're a few balls short of a full rack Is he the nasty man who experimented with my brain Biff? Yeah! Any friend of Tate's is no friend of ours. Get him Baff! Early Tate rejects. Shame It don't pay to be friendly around here kid Right! No good to be friendly Why not? You get put in a loony bin. Like my pal here Is he nuts? What happened? So, did he escape? The Queen thought so Baff not crazy Baff worked in hospital garden. Queen visited the hospital to look at flowers Queen tell Baff, he not crazy and flowers are lovely So, what went down? The Queen did What? Queen told Baff that he had looked after the gardens so well What house brick? House brick that hit queen on back of head. Hahaha. Baff good shot She turned around and Baff said "you won't forget, will you" He's nuts! Don't talk about my friend like that. Hit him Baff! Hitting him Biff! Sorry guys, my mistake. You're both nuts! Hahaha. Queen's Limo round back of bar Biff Baff Hey, cut it out guys that hurts..Sorry, my little joke Baff not laughing Biff not laughing Thanks for nothing. I got to spilt! Hold it guys. I think my taxi's arrived Gotta split. There's a world to save Okay guys, I'm outta here! Garden famous for nice flowers Queen promise Baff a pardon he should receive a pardon. She shook his hand and walked away That's when he threw house brick Hey guys I'm back! Yeah, well push off Yeah push off Hi, Sparky, how's business? Business is good. Can I be of assistance? Hey ear plugs! New sideline Sparky? Do you know DR7 in the record shop? Yes How much are they? Fifty Tate Dollars Tate Dollars! What about the greenback? Oh great. You're a Tate fan? Like the country itself the dollar was in trouble. Now everything is great! I'm fresh out of Tate dollars, so how do I buy the ear plugs? No problem, you can pay by credit slip. I'll get one from out back If that remark is meant to mean do I love honour and obey our great leader You mean everyone is not a clone, I mean a Tate fan? There are the odd few who have not joined our great leader Who are they? How come everyone isn't a Tate fan? Do you know about Tate's consortium? Well, Royston the tramp in the park is one I've got no money In all walks of life there are...deviants So, who are these deviants? Royston, the tramp in the park is one DR7...? Oh, you mean Des? Des? Yes, he changed his name to fit in with the new image of the shop He must be deaf. Have you heard that stuff he plays? Yes. Isn't it lovely Have you got any ear plugs? Yes, they're over there on the shelf The trouble is, I have no money I'm sure we can think of something...You could always pay by credit slip If it's information you're after, try a bus timetable Right, I'm outta here Could you have another look for a credit slip? I suppose I could. Just a minute, I'll be right back Sorry I couldn't find any Thanks anyway, Sparky. I'll catch you later Hi, Sparky! How's business? Here, you! Get out of my shop before I call the police! Uh-oh! He's on to me! I'm outta here! then the answer is yes, as do most of the residents of Tate City If you ask me they are very odd I would keep well away from him if I were you And I here there are some wives over in Stepford in need of attention Anyway, enough of the chat, what can I do for you? He's a big fan of Mantovanni Do you know since he stopped playing that "funky" music I haven't sold a single pair of ear-plugs I think I've got some out back. I'll go and have a look No problem. I'll try again later Ear plugs. Are they a new sideline? Royston but he's..Yeah I guess you're right Gee thanks. I never thought of that Get lost. You're not welcome Hey down there. Could I come in No. Go away. And leave me be Obviously not the sociable type Gee I guess he doesn't want visitors Alright? What can I do for you? What happened to the jive, man? I had a nice chat with Mr Tate. He showed me the error of my ways You mean you've sold out to Tate? You look like my Grandpa Zeke What happened to your shop? Been real nice talking to you. Gotta go! I didn't "sell out" to Mr Tate Who, Tate? Hahaha. Do me a favour The only favour I can do you is by way of advice Don't you sell anything anymore? Comfy slippers? I'm out of here! I've got everything Mantovanni ever recorded Well, I've got a list of things I need. Here look I've got a cardigan and a nice smoking jacket. Would that help? I don't think so Well look, while your here, take this box of rubbish outside for me Hey man, what did your last servant die of? Not taking the rubbish outside I guess I'll take it then Is he about my size? Yeah. Why do you ask? I just thought he might be interested in a pair of these crimpolene pants Man, this is unreal... I decided it was time for a change You decided or was it Tate? I decided to change things for the glory of Mr Tate So, he's got to you then I've seen the error of my ways, son Can't you see Tate's a megalomaniac? You've been brain washed, dude If I had some soap I would wash your mouth out Yo! How's it going, Des? Oh, it's you again Listen, have you thought about getting yourself some life insurance? Now, the way I see it... Er, I gotta go! Catch you later! ...a young lad of your age should be able to.. Oh alright..but just think about it! I just realised that being a "funky soul brother" wasn't really for me Anyway, be careful what you say about Mr Tate He's a great bloke, and he's done wonders for our city Settle down with a nice girl. Get a mortgage Have some children and buy some nice comfy slippers It's all very well being "funky" and "cool" But in the end does you no good, you know Something your mother should have done a long time ago. I blame the parents Man, this music sucks! Yo! How's it going? My word if it isn't Master Tucker Royston! Is that you? You're not a clone? It is I, Royston. The only thing that has changed is my abode Cool! You could just save the world How come you're running this place? How's your elephant? Sorry Royston I've got no food What are you talking about? To cut a long story short, I found my friend the professor Wonderful! But we've discovered that Dick Tate plans to take over the world! Not wonderful! Can you and your friend stop him? We have a plan I may be able to help you with some of these items Bud, on an exchange basis What can you help me with? What else have you got? I have a three foot length of drain pipe Great! What do you want for it? I have a customer who requires a traffic cone Great, but I haven't got a traffic cone Surely, you can find one. Children are always picking them up But we've found that Tate isn't content with Barryville I will trade you one smelly fish for a raincoat What would I want with a smelly fish? What would one want with a traffic cone? Touche' Catch you later Royston. I've got work to do One's needs dictate Dick Tate! I hate that name! Calm down young Sir. Running this place has given me my independence So that's why Tate hasn't got to you? Where do you get all this junk from? Correct! How could a harmless beggar spoil the plans of the great Lord Tate A counter attack! But that may ruin the professor's plans What plans? The clones are eager to change their names, life styles Wait Royston, can you smell something round here? Yes, I have recently traded a pair of old socks for this smelly fish That doesn't seem like a good deal You wouldn't say that if you had smelled my old socks I'll think about it Fine. I'll see you later then I beg your pardon? Oh, I see! You mean Fido? Er... Yes King Fanto Magumba Olager returned for his crown. He also took Fido I thought you said you would never be parted from Fido? How can one say no to a King? That is not a problem Master Bud. I ate a hour ago Well I wish I'd eaten something I'll trade you this smelly fish Is that what smells? Got things to do. I'll be back soon Thanks Royston. I'll be right back I will trade you one smelly fish for a raincoat What would I want with a smelly fish? I'd rub it under my arms. Use it to charm the ladies.. Er..Okay. You got a deal Okay! Fine. I'll see you later then Royston, I've got a traffic cone Marvellous! Have you still got the drainpipe? Yes. Here you are Thanks Royston I now run the Exchange-A-Rama. A sort of up to date pawn shop If we can find these items, we can build a trap and capture him You see them in trees, on lampposts, front gardens, statues' heads even on the roads Freedom of choice, freedom of speech Keep a low profile and you keep your mind It is also a useful way to find out what is going on Little does he know I am planning a counter attack to save the people of Barryville.. Sorry, I should say, Tate City in fact anything that used to be associated with Barryville I'll swap the fish for a rain coat The king felt home sick while living in Croydon You know, for an alcoholic old tramp with amazing body odour, you're okay We have a plan that'll stop Tate in his tracks He wants to take over the world! Er..Yeah..I think I can imagine. Catch you later Hi Royston. Can you tell me about your exchange-a-rama? Okay Royston. I'll be back Hey! I've got a raincoat! You've got a deal! So tell me about the exchange-a-rama Er..I think I'll pass on that. Anything else? I will trade the malodorous piscine for the raincoat Well what do you know. I have one right here It's been great trading with you Royston. Catch you later! Such a pity I was becoming quite attached to Norbert Norbert? After the author of the "Decline and Fall of the Luxembourg empire" The definitive classical work Hey Royston! I've got the traffic cone and the raincoat! This is my lucky day! So can we trade? Most certainly master Tucker It is a way of making a living in this oh so cruel world So want will you exchange? I also have a customer who requires a traffic cone Royston I'd like the raincoat back Most certainly. I will exchange for a small token Okay what would you like? Hmm well. I have long had a yearning for an orange Ni object Such a delightful distraction through the long winter nights It's as good as yours Ah this is a dream come true Thanks Royston! Catch you later Hi Royston! I've got the Ni object you wanted! Wait, Bud! We must find some means to enter Tate's lair! Bud! We must attempt to penetrate Tate Tower's defenses! Where are you going, Bud? We need to get inside the tower I can't see a way in. Any suggestions, Prof? Hmm..Well.. We could use my hand held transmat generator and teleport into the tower Great! Let's do it One slight problem.. Yeah..? I don't have a hand held transmat generator Okay, no problem. I'll figure out some other way in Isn't that a little risky? Ach, nein! It's as safe as nuclear power Uh, well.. Come on, Bud! Where's your sense of adventure? I think I must have left it on my dresser Come on, Bud The worst that can happen is our molecules could become re-assembled in the wrong order turning us into hideously deformed radioactive mutants. Or sheep I'll find another way in, thanks Prof Ja, well, that probably is a better idea Well, I'm completely stumped. Any ideas, Prof? Oh Ja! I have an outstanding idea Cool! What is it? If I cut down my pizza consumption by half for the next six months I can afford that new particle accelerator I've had my eye on! The one with the go-faster stripes That doesn't really help us though.. Ja, that is true We could attempt to download our consiousnesses into the cyberspace of Tate's computer using a neural link and a modem Okay, let's do it! Sorry Bud, it's virtually impossible. Hahaha! Virtually impossible... Hey, who says accademics are no fun.. If you cut down on pizza what will I do? Well, you could always work for me Cool! I could be your lab assistant! Well, actually I was thinking more as a replacement for Bobo my chimp Uh..Will it hurt? Of course not! Trust me Bud! Hey, Prof, I can remember the last time you said that.. Ach, the self-zipping fly was just a little tempremental..A slight hitch Hey, it was more that a slight hitch, Prof! I couldn't ride my bike for weeks! The world of scientific discovery is no place for those who possess fear Yeah. Or think rationally! So Prof, any ideas yet? Nein. This is indeed a puzzle Bud and the Professor in the Alley Hey, Prof! We're in! Come on! No, Bud. You go in. I'll remain here and keep watch Keep watch? For what? Tate's guards, police men, mime artists.. Mime artists? Ja! Mime artists are really a race of shape-shifting extra-dimensional aliens intent upon taking over our planet Okay, Prof. Wait here. I'll be back! Why do you say that? Think about it, Bud When was the last time you had a conversation with a mime artist? I can't say I've ever tried.. Well I have! And they never reply! You see, they have not mastered our Earth languages yet and that is why they do not speak for their strange bleeping tongue would give them away! Uh..Okay, Prof. You wait here.. Okay, I'll be back! Hey, Prof! How's it going? Quiet Bud. I am on lookout duty Okay, I'll leave you to it! Hey, Prof! Zzz..Zzz..Hmm..Ragh.. Prof? No, Albert! I am telling you, it is mc3! Are you crazy! Ragh..hum.. Boy, some look out! Hey, Prof! Zzz..Zzz..Zzz.. Hey, Prof! I've found a way into Tate's place! Cold! Show me! Hey, Prof, your antique slide rule's digging in me again That's not my antique slide rule, Bud.. Whoa, this is some place Tate's got here! Ja, it is impressive A pity we have so little time, I would have enjoyed exploring.. Yeah, you're right about needing more time.. Ja..Ach! Time! I have it! Excuse me? Are you familiar with Einstein's Theory of Relativity? Uhh... Well, Einstein postulated that our perception of time, is relative, Ja? And that a body travelling... Whoa, Prof! Fascinating as it is, I don't think we've time for the science lesson Okay. Here's my plan..I propose we accelerate our bodies to light speed thus causing a perceptual dilation of time Uh, Okay.. Or, we we split up and explore the complex. I'll go this way Okay. Be careful! Ja. As always No way! I'm coming with you! Nein, Bud. We need to find the world leaders and the Duotronic Replicator It would be more efficient if we split up Anyway, if we do accelerate to light speed we may well end up breaching the temporal barrier and meeting our past selves Or future selves. The results of which whilst extremely interesting, could also be highly dangerous Uh..Okay, Prof.. I'll see you soon Okay, Prof. What do we do now? We need to find the world leaders and the Duotronic Replicator I suggest that we split our resources Okay! Ja. I suggest that we cut ourselves in half and build cybernetic components to replace those bits we're missing Or we could split up.. Ja! I had not thought of that..Okay. I'll go this way Okay! Catch you later! Ja, whatever.. No way! Do you have a problem, Bud? We're already in enough danger just being here Splitting up is not a good idea Ach, Bud, you have seen too many of those scary horror films What could possibly go wrong? Well, Tate could capture us.. We could get shot by remote controlled security lasers.. We could be savaged by wild dogs.. Ja, that is true. I'll go this way. See you later! Hey Prof, just be careful, okay? Ja What?!? Hey, it's him I worry for Hey, Prof! Found anything cool? Ja! I have found Tate! Cool! Let's grab him! Nein, Bud! I have formulated a plan to capture him. Here take this! Wind machine..Bowling ball..Hula girl outfit!?! Ja! These are the items I need to complete my patent pending Tate-Trap! Cool! I'll get onto it straight away! Bring the components back to me when you find them Okay! Catch you later! Okay, so what do we do? I have a plan.. Cool! What is it? I have designed a trap to capture Tate Alright! Ja. Here, take this. It is a list of components I need to build my trap I'll get right onto it, Prof! When you find the items, bring them back here No problem. Later! Uh... Oh, come on, Bud! Have I ever let you down? Look, Prof, maybe we should think up another plan But my plan is perfect! Does it involve atomic explosions? Nein Particle accelerators? Nein Manipulating our DNA to mutate our physiological being? Nein Okay..So what does it involve? Domestic fowl, hula girls and plastic tubes! Uh... Here, take this. It's a list of components I need to create a trap for Tate A trap! Cool! I'll get onto this straight away! Ja. And when you find the items, bring them to me Consider it done, Prof! Hey, Prof! I've got something for you! Wunderbar! Cut the chat and give it to me! Hey, Prof! One wind machine! Excellent work, Bud! Sorry, Prof, couldn't find a sailboard Ach, then we are doomed So I improvised! Outstanding! Hey, Prof, I've got a match! Ja? Yeah, Tate's face and my butt Hoho, Ja..Very funny. Give me the match Here you go! Prof, why didn't you say you needed a balloon? I did No, Prof, you said "an inflated bladder" Ja. A balloon Okay. Here. Good job I'm an imaginative guy There you go, Prof, one example of domestic fowl Wunderbar! Here's your sharp point, Prof! Oh ja! Careful, it's.. Ow! Sharp One tray or similar.. Thank you, Bud. Are these teeth marks? It's a long story, Prof.. Here you go, Prof! A clockwork mechanism! Oh, what wonderful workmanship! Oh, ja.. Here's the pair of gloves you wanted! Thank you, Bud. I'm sure these will come in very han.. Handy. I know. Stick to science, Prof.. Hnng..One bowling ball Oh, that's heavy...Hoho..Very heavy..Hoho.. What's so funny, Prof? Hoho..Oh, you'll see soon, Bud..Hohmm.. One tube Perhaps it is a little short. No matter, I'll think of something.. Two Hula Girl Outfits! Incredible! Well, I'm an incredible guy! No, I mean the fact that you actually believed I needed Hula Girl Outfits I only put them on the list for a joke! A pizza box! Oh, pizza..herring and aubergine..mmm.. Hello, earth calling planet Professor.. Oh, sorry Bud. Thank you. This will be most useful Hi Prof! How's it going? Oh, fine. Do you have anything for me? Not yet, Prof Okay. Well come back when you do Is this what you wanted? Hmm..Sorry, Bud. That won't help Okay, no problem Mankind is looking for a Saviour. One full of wisdom and knowledge A strong leader, a man of promise One who will feed the hungry hearts as well as stomachs A man of confidence, decisive in his judgements Yes, my friends, a saviour for the world is here in your midst His name is Lord Tate. You have done well. Or so you think This is but a mere setback My clones are everywhere and soon the World will again belong to Dick Tate Hahaha! Hey, Dicky, a simple "I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling kid" would have done You would be wise not to mock me, Bud Tucker Why's that? Am I upsetting you? You haven't heard the last of Dick Tate... Dick, you've seen too many bad movies. Book him, boys! That was my line, Bud. You said I could say "Book him, boys!" Well, go on It's too late now Hey! Lola's matches from Big Al's bar This should help me find my way around It's a bar of Sud-U-Like soap. My favourite! Ouch! They're not as safe as they look They're alright if you pull them quickly The Gidyun book of fish. There's one in every hotel room It's the Daily Yak The tastiest sticky bun I've ever seen Just an average iron bucket I should catch something with this Mmmmm! Made with 100% something or other Billy G's Sounds of the Seventies! Cool! A genuine Barryville dollar piece I'd hate to imagine what these were used for Lobsters really live in these things? I think it's smiling at me Hey! Aren't branches fractal objects or something? It's twice as long as half it's length Fashion disaster alert! Well it's an improvement I suppose Boudicea's skates. You can see where the wheel spikes went A commemoration of Olaf Particle and his wrestling prawns This is great for executive stress relief A teabag that is completely water proof. Neat! You could use this to see in the dark It's a good likeness but not of me Not bad huh? 10 out 10 for inventiveness The tropical chainsaw fish. A very rare species Just an average iron bucket..With water in This should get me places I'll treasure this for ever and ever This is not your ordinary everyday digital watch I guess it's some kind of electronic key This smells of rum. No wonder that guy was asleep It's empty now. Oh well You know this reminds me of my old headmaster Bertrand Tepid "Gargles Beethoven's greatest hits". Cool It has state of the art buttons and things but no battery Well the tape doesn't appear to be turning.. It's working but there's still something missing Testing. One. Two. Hey it works! I wonder if someone actually has a nose like this? Here's the key to a cupboard. It's a cupboard key This is a safe key. But safe from what? I've never seen a Dug dance. This should be good Wow a pink thing! This'll replace my blue thing I can only think of a few uses for one of these Well it's a certainly a lot smaller It's power to the people It's tuned to the weather station Without batteries? It won't work It's a space hopper with a deflated ego We could go places with this The hula girl pizza company. The're my rivals! One of these rang me once. It was a crank call Pink chewing gum? Who left this here? I hope I never meet the owner of this Hey! This is almost as sharp as me A can of my least favourite beverage Hmm now what could we use this for? I'd like to see the chopper fly without this A washer handcrafted in solid steel The cuckoo seems to have fled the nest Shhh you shouldn't disturb nesting birds A fanless fan? Very useful Hey how ingenious! Who makes these things? Now what could I use these for? Glue that'll stick anything, can I get the top off? A scared chicken isn't that an oxymoron or something? These were gloves at first sight Nail. Nine inches. What else do you need to know? The greatest roller skate ever made. Honest I really don't think it would suit There's a head shaped dent in it These look familiar I've always wondered why they call it pool A stick of white chalk. This reminds me of school Big. Red. Full of Air. Just like an old teacher of mine You know what they say about cuckoos? No me neither You ever wondered about the size of my pockets? I don't think Ms. Cluck is going to miss this What's with all this unstylish clothing? A clothes peg? Well it could prove useful Don't fish ever use deodorant? And people wear these as trousers? Don't they usually flock together? Don't eat it! I don't want to go to that dentist Hey! Now I'm a real yuppy I wonder what's happening in the world? It's a complimentary book of matches A medicine cabinet of curiosities Hey! A tea-chest of drawers! I don't think it's been washed in months Yuk! It has more rings than Saturn *R I wouldn't want to sleep in that It seems happy, but you can never tell with elephants An original copy of some guy's painting I'm sure something moved in there She's probably been here for years An ancient ceremonial crown of kings long gone *E There's some tempting wares on display I wouldn't risk going in there *M It looks dark and foreboding down there I think we're being watched I'd like to see the cake that was in there Even swag bags have to be washed sometime It leads back to the hotel room They've been thrown away for a good reason I guess this is where the flour is kept A guy could get paranoid about this Cake? Soap? Well why not? They look so happy together It's a pity that there's no sticky buns in there It looks like it's in full working order Apparently it's a delicacy There's bread a baking in there This was fresh from the oven last week I guess this is where the baker pounds his dough Hey! this baker uses a lot of flour Do you think I could get out this way? *E *E It's a way out of here *E *E A seedy rundown bar with peanuts I guess you get all sorts in here Staff only. Perhaps we should get a job here What? After we spent so long getting in? I can't think what those cakes are doing here A reminder of the Birdman of Alcafraz The conditions in here aren't very sanitary It's a superfly for a superfly guy The mysterious rainbow trout It's not a barrel of laughs but a barrel of worms *E Wow! A five speed quadraphonic SupaBlasta Black leather. Wicked! *E *E *E *E *E *E *E I'm not going back in there There doesn't seem to be a queue I wouldn't want his job *E It's covered in the dentist's tools *E *E They suck your soul out, and you have to wait four minutes A sponge for a counter? Cool! Well it is quicker by drain *E I think that's someone's home A monument to Bob Connor whoever he is It's an ordinary stand pipe made from zinc A sprinkler I think. Gardening's not my scene It's a pot plant. What more can I say *E *E It's seems to be set for lunch *E *M It's mans best inflatable friend I don't think I'll get in that way Do you know who invented the roller door? Me neither Fin's ain't what they used to be for this shark Extremely useful things. Probably It's a ladder down to a trawler *E *M They always hover when you read a newspaper *M *M *E *E *E *E *E *E Woah Spooky or what? *E It's a way back to the antechamber Tate's a real egomaniac *E At least some things never change It's an Edison original Wooden. Square. It's either the counter or the shopkeeper *E It needs some serious dusting He's certainly seen better days *E *E Hey it's a brick counter. So what? Brimming with goods. It's a shame I don't like DIY They're special pun saws It seems to be missing something I wonder why? *E Just your average dentistry laser cannon It's a hole in a useless hose *E What great brushwork! I think I can see a train in the distance Now this is art that I can relate to Hey! It leads back to Seedy street. So what? Is this a way in? A window cleaner's platform. For window cleaners *E *E Go this way to get out of here It's a white knuckle ride to the ground floor An open skylight? Hmmm *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E You'd get square eyes watching this Just press for Channel One Press to watch Channel Two Button. Push. Channel Three. Okay? On and Off. Just like that *E *E I don't think it'll work Hmm. The cleaners need to pay a visit Hey. That guy's initials get everywhere I guess Tate must start them young *E It's an important monitor *E Woah! It's an altar to Tate's greatness He seems to be enjoying himself *E Spot the lie *E Well it's different to last time *E *M Hey great view! Exciting composition or what? Steps down into the depths of the earth I'd strongly advise going that way *E Hey what happened to his face? He should see an orthodontist I guess Tate's not an art lover Does bad clothing have a long half life? There just isn't the same variety is there? I guess the're not speaking to each other Woah what happened here? Gee and I thought it was run down before It's still staff only What you really want to go back to Seedy street? Hey! Who watches the watchtower? It's tacky. It's tasteless. I love it Tate's not a big Bob Connor fan I wonder if the're hardy perennials? Woah a major nuclear project right here in Barryville *M He's certainly seen better days *M It's not environmentally friendly is it? There's an idea for a sequel! Treasure Island Bud Tucker It's square. It's brown. It's a box Well it's different What composition! What style! A masterpiece Back to the overworld away from here It's a dark dank yet strangely mysterious tunnel *M *E It's lost weight since last time It's one of those plot device air vents *E I guess this is where they dump their junk It's left end of the tunnel It's the right end of the tunnel *E *E *E Hey this corridor continues further It's seems like quite a walk It's a mean lean green submarine *E It's a large red number three. Could be significant *E Walk this way back to the subway tunnel Ah how sweet I don't think The're just your average wooden bunk beds *E *E Hey! It's a genuine antique. Possibly It's back to the top of the corridor Woah! Cool plant This'll get your whites really white It's a cerebrally challenged waiter *E *E This must be the heart of Tate's operation *E Over the ocean blue back to the docks It's round. It's a hole. It must be a way in Don't these guys realise that green submarines suck? *E So this is where Tate gets his ideas It's round. It's a hole. It must be a way out *E *E Hey! I think something's trapped in there Woah! Computer games! *E It's all done with mirrors you know Just what is it with these tentacles? *E It's a Watt and Pritney 60cc submarine engine A button. Gee I wonder what would happen if I pressed it? Look it's a very unexciting cupboard. Okay? You can't tune a piano but you can tuna fish It leads back to the docks *E Doesn't anyone do cans of coke? It's one of those dark mysterious tunnels *E Hi-Tech. Plastic. It's some sort of security terminal *E *E Grey. Boring. Let's look at something exciting Hey! It's the captain's chair. Now where's the captain's log? A portrait of the captain's mom This Tate guy likes his luxuries Ugly. Mean. It's a good likeness Why are they called French windows? Perhaps it's the accent *E *M It'll get us off the trawler It's an oxygen bottle Hey! How'd you describe a door A way out of this place Gee I can't think where this leads It's a doorway obviously It's a strange rectangular hole of some kind Door. Go through door. It's real easy I'd have to check the map What? After all the trouble it took getting inside I only wish it were that easy I'll have to find the exit first Let's get back to the mall first You really want to leave this place? Hey why not stay here and mellow out? I agree let's find the exit That'll be easy when we find the exit So you don't feel like staying here? It's the hotel rules No jelly juggling after midnight Trout tickling strictly forbidden No licking the walls between meals Camels must be kept on a leash Standing on one leg is strictly forbidden Rubbing lemon sorbet into the bedsheets is forbidden Turtles must only be turned clockwise on Saturday Cress must not be grown on the bath towels There is no calling the cleaner Arthur All legumes must be handed over at reception Hmm Let's see..What is it the professor wants? A wind machine A land sailboard. Strange One match An inflated bladder. Bizarre One example of domestic fowl A sharp point of some description One tray or similar A clockwork mechanism Gloves. Two One Bowling ball A tube Hula girl outfits (medium) One empty pizza box Well this shouldn't prove too difficult Look in the dictionary under "cool", and you'll find a picture of me Well, by the apron and the smell, I'd guess he was a baker I've seen some shady guys in my time, but this guy's the Duke of Dubious... What bold use of colour! What challenging concepts! The guy's a genius! Quick! Call the zoo! Tell them one of their gorillas has escaped! Wow, what a babe! I'm in love... A Bunny Boy? Well, I suppose this is the age of equality A regular beat cop. The kind that would beat you. Regularly This guy looks familiar... Proof that God didn't make man in his own image Obviously one of Barryville's friendlier residents He looks like a real salty sea dog. Smells like one too An intelligent, attentive guy... not! A real cool soul brother Woah, a serial killer! This guy's one of Barryville's more normal residents Gee, what a sweet old lady! This guy is the High Priest of Hobo. And he's got really bad body odour! Well, he looks the part... He looks like Vera, just a couple of steps further up the evolutionary scale There must be one great story in there... Well, he's in the right place... A high class street vendor. Remind me to count my teeth before I go Some sort of strange gigantic brain type thing Wormus Wriggilus I think As always, ice cool and every inch the hero Argh! Bigfoot in a dress! I guess she's never seen a dug dance... A mountain with legs! What is it with bad guys and stupid uniforms? Is it just me, or is that a 300 pound gorilla in a hat? Industrious kinda guy Imprisonment haven't affected the Prof. Still as craz- er..inspired as ever Hey, I know I look good, but this isn't really gonna get us anywhere, is it? Woah! This guy's got serious problems! And I don't mean his weight! He seems like a responsible citizen They seem to start shopping earlier every year... This guy was weird before Tate got to him! Has Royston been cloned? No! There's no way anyone could reproduce that smell! I thought he'd have retired by now The prof learnt all he knows from Einstein. Stanley Einstein from Bootle What is it with bad guys and stupid uniforms? Hmm...I've seen this guy somewhere before... Grunt won the "Sychophantic Gameshow Host" Award six times running! Hey, it's the King! Wow, a regal Egyptian babe! Nice dress, dude I don't see anything. Oh! You mean those inconspicuous store detectives! This guy proves Darwin's Theory... I suppose this guy only gets out at weekends... Somebody give this guy a job. He oozes talent! Well, I hope it's talent... Hey, what a sweet kid... Woah, that's one chick I wouldn't mess with! Seen one chicken waiting for dental treatment, you've seen 'em all Hey, I know 70's chic is cool, but being a 70 year old geek..? Sorry, I can't do that That's impossible I see reality has eluded you. Again Next! You want me to do what? Hey, that sounds surreal Try something else I'm calling the men in the white coats! Nurse! You're totally insane, dude Uh-huh.. It's a good thing I've enough brains for both of us Excuse me? Hey buddy, try this one: Use brain to think of sensible suggestion Open is a tricky concept Just as well I have the brains and you have the looks I can't see a handle I see no way to open it The lights are on but know ones at home All these pointless suggestions Do you play computer games often? Aw, gimme a break.. Close what? There's nothing open Try something else May I suggest an alternative use of our time Are you feeling all right? Why don't you close your mouth? I can't close that Yeah, right Any more bright ideas? Er... No I guess they only let you out at weekends How could I do that? Any more suggestions like that and I'll have you committed That's a stupid idea No, I'll keep it for now I'll keep that I'm gonna save it for later I'm not giving that away I'm not giving away all of my goodies My need is greater than their's I'm gonna hold on to that Let's not be too generous No, I might have use of it later That's not a good idea, I should keep it That's too useful to give away I don't think I could live without it It's not Christmas, I'll keep it I'll hang on to it for now Try something else I don't think my gift would be appreciated I can't carry that around It's not my type What did you last servant die of? I can't pick that up Come off it Do you really think I need it to find the Professor? I really don't need it What would I need that for? No way! You want it, you get it Hey man, take my advice: stay off the drugs The Caffeine must be making you hyper active You've flipped I don't need it I'm not a kleptomaniac! I'd better not Pick that up? No way! That's going nowhere I can't move that! Where would you want me to put it? I don't want to, Okay? That would be pointless I'm a kid, not a removal man It's not in my job description I can't move that. It's fine where it is Get a life... I don't fancy touching it Move it where? It's not my place to rearrange things Moving that wouldn't solve our problems Would moving that really help us find the Professor? Hey it looks cleaner already That was quite a trip This should provoke a response Now what could we do with this? Woah! My life is complete Great! It's not exactly four star Now I enjoyed doing that Bizarre plot device huh!? I don't think he can hear Hey I'm in the guild! Let's go put this to use Hole in one! This'll go toward the deposit on a sports car I think I need shades! Hey this is quite a pad! Don't try this at home kids Neat job huh? Great lateral thinking huh? And I have to put this into my pocket? I don't think he even noticed Sshh..This'll be a surprise That was like taking candy from a baby The magnetic field was stronger than I thought Why did I get out of bed this morning? This should have some effect on the crew Hey an instant life preserver It looks like a key of some sort Hey this is embarrassing but I can't swim At least clockwork is environmentally friendly This will save me getting wet That water must have been ultra hot And for my next trick Well it wasn't dignified but I got the card We have power! Another top ten hit recorded Gee they seem hypnotised by the Dug's syncopated rhythm Hey I should be a cat burglar I guess it's the wrong key It's an outrageous fashion statement Well this shouldn't pose any problems Let's get the professor and get out of here Hey why not? It's as good a way as any Escape through the air vent? What a great plan Look are you really sure about this? Hey not while they're watching Gee Tate's very security minded Hey they have some use after all! This watch sure is useful. Pity it's stopped Let's go! Why don't they design bigger lifts Now it's as good as new I think we'll take the train next time Hey! It's jammed stuck It just won't open I'll be saving someone pain Hey! We're locked out This isn't going anywhere Hey! Comedy slapstick! Going down! There must be an easier way to save the world That was shocking! Woah! I ain't going no further dude! That muzak sucks If silence was golden I'd be rich! Now down to business! Hey! I don't want to wear something so unfashionable I'm only doing this because everyone else is wearing one Woah! I'm taking the coat off before going out there Let's see what happens now.. It's locked. Typical criminal mastermind Hey it's almost as good as new Hey! Where'd the cuckoo go? Well that's the museum open again What strange behaviour What a couple of bozos Hey I think I got it dirty again Stand back! Clear the area! Woah! No way am I going down there! Well okay. Just don't tell anyone I did this