Resident 2

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Wrap

Text File | 1993-04-29 | 17.7 KB | 460 lines

131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" 132. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. 133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. 134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. 135. Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails. 136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television. 137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. 138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. 139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". 140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"? A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." 141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. 142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes. 143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. 144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" 146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. 147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed? A: Because they always burn their nipples. 148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! 149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. 150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. 151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. 152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. 153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. 154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE! 155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! 156. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. 157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. 158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. 159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. 160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blonde electrician. 161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. A3: So men can understand them. 162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! 163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A golden retriever. A2: A labrador. A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover. 164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. 165. Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. 166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. 167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. 168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? 169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. 170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" 171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. 172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. 173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. 174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. 175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. 176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. 177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. 178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. 179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. 180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. 181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." 184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. 185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. 187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." 188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" 189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. 190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn! 191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. 192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. 193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....? A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light. 195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. 196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". 197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. 199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". 200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. 201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. 202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. 203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. 204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. 205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. 206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. 207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. 208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! 211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget th206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. 207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. 208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! 211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. R: Neither did she. 214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. 215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. 216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 217. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. 218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" 219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. 220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" 221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener. 222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. 223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. 224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was... 225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. 226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?" 227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. 228. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook." 229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! 230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly." 231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." 232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... 233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" 234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" 235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. 236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."