PVFC is just so indecisive. One$minute he says I'm too 'surreal' for#his liking, the next minute I'm the$serious person on this diskmag team.!I wish he would make his mind up.
Anyhow, I've already done two#serious(ish) articles, so it's time!for a 'surreal' one, readers! I'd%like to kick off this 'surreal' piece$of work by saying: haddock, paddock,#jodphurs and whip. To carry on this#article, I think a poem would be in
order.
I knew an artichoke
called Gilbert,
But he moved house,
So we lost touch
until one day
He 'phoned me up.
I was glad that he
'phoned me.
He had made lots of
new friends
At his new house,
And I was jealous! because he was my only friend.
In a way,
It was better that he
moved,
Because now I would
have to make new friends,
Friends that could
play proper games with me.
An artichoke isn't
very mobile,
And he had no hope of
being as good as me,
Especially at
badminton,
Which I was good at.
I still miss him now,
But at least he is
Only a telephone call
away
If I ever need him
again.
$This is quite fun, writing 'surreal'"articles. I would like to continue%with a new set of rules and equipment"for the game of tennis(appropriate$as Wimbledon is on as I write this).
First, equipment:$ Seven players instead of#two in singles, Two dead Armadillos%that were alive for at least 4 years,%The umpire must now sit on a stack of$milk crates(which are being balanced
on the chin of someone with the$christian name of Russell), A bag of$Birdseye frozen peas in place of the%ball, The traditional net is replaced#by six oversize gherkins, The usual%surface for play is the soggy lettuce
you get in Big Macs," And finally, line
judges are replaced by assorted
Geoffrey Archer novels.
#Now onto rules. To decide which two$people get the Armadillos, they must$have a contest between themselves to$see who can gargle diluted Ribena to!the tune of the American National#Anthem for the longest. The top two%times mean that those players get the!Armadillos. The players must then"have a debate on which team should"get three players and which should get four. This debate is totally disregarded by the umpire and he#picks the teams at random. When the%frozen peas are in play, Russell must not let the crates fall from his
chin. If he does, 56 points are%awarded to both sides, as long as one"member from each team can answer a$question from the 'Genus' edition of
Trivial Pursuit questions(the#gherkins must be consulted on which
question to ask).% To start the game proper,
either one of the players with$Armadillos can throw the frozen peas%in the air. They must strike the peas"with any part of the Armadillo, so"that they travel over the gherkins onto the other side. If both the!Armadillos have been allocated to"members of the same team, then the side without one must use either#their right ear or any compact disc"case containing an album by Deacon$Blue to return the peas to the other$side. Normal tennis rules apply with rallies, except any calls by the
Geoffrey Archer novels are!immediately deemed false, and the#game carries on. If, by this point,
anyone has slipped on the soggy$lettuce, then they will be forced to
mix together two pints of%concentrated sulphuric acid with half%a tube of Sensodyne toothpaste. After!doing so, a Black and Decker disc%sander must be used on the mixture to#spread it evenly over the offending
player.# To win the game, a team
must have:" recited all of
Shakespeare's plays backwards,
sufficiently demonstrated their
knowledge of plankton, eaten 19$Snickers ice-creams without hurling, or landed the frozen peas in the$opponent's court more times than the"opponents had landed it in theirs.% I will be submitting this
variation on tennis to the%authorities in due course. With luck,"it will be an Olympic sport by the
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