Kithe E-Mag 1

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Begin1 Pintro- Pinion #1 Magik Elvis 68 <BOF> |~~~~ | ::: :::::: ::::: ::: :::::::::::: :::::: ::: ::: * :: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ####:::########:::#:::###::###:::#:::#:::######:::#:::####::###:::#### ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :::::::::::: ::: :::::: | | subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~ Issue # 1 --------------- Pinion Contents --------------- 1. Pinion Intro 1.1 What is/is not accepted Pinion Intro ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Welcome to the intro of Pinion, a small 'zine type operation whos main objective is to allow an output for the literary works of any one wanting to have themselves published on however small a scale. Each "issue" will just be a collection of works submitted to the main author. The main author for Pinion, is myself, Magik Elvis (or Matt). I can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem (8,N,1) at Neo-Graceland (My Bulletin Board system). The "members" of Pinion are irrevelvant - if you submit a piece of work and it is approved (not hard) then you get the credit and a "hey!" in the mag. Works approved for publishing: Fiction (short stories) Poetry (prose, verse, anything) Non-Fiction (a report on anything, a small article, journalism, etc) Humor, Satire Works NOT to be approved for publishing: Bullshit (just to put "Pinion" in your signature", etc) Non-fiction about irrevelant issues (the latest warez group warz, etc) Can you handle it? Well, thats our intro. If you want to get the updated versions of this 'zine, check local free speech, h/p/a type boards for it. If you wish to become a Pinion distrobution site, please, inform me and I will place your board at the end of each issue. - Magik Elvis Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem. __________________________________________________________ \ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | / \ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | / -----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------ / | | \ / | "The harder you kick me, the bigger my toothless grin" | \ |________________________________________________________| <EOF> Begin2 Pinion #2 Cthulu 81 <BOF> |~~~~ | ::: :::::: ::::: ::: :::::::::::: :::::: ::: ::: * :: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ####:::########:::#:::###::###:::#:::#:::######:::#:::####::###:::#### ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :::::::::::: ::: :::::: | | subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~ Issue #2 - Are Men Better? Writer : Cthulu Are men better? The question which has plagued our greatest thinkers since the dawn of "man"kind will now be resolved in this controversial essay by the author of the exciting "Why Not to Drink" and "The Advantages and Disadvantages of Being a Rutabaga", Prof. Cthulu. Men are certainly better than some things, such as cough drops or pig droppings. However, in this essay, I shall be comparing them to their most frequent rivals, the females of the human race, women. Now, at first, one may think that there can be no fair comparaison, that men are simply and blatantly better. However, after some careful thinking and pondering, the cons of being a man stack up and outweigh by far the pros. For instance: males cannot bear children. While this could be viewed as advantageous in the mobility department, the jealousy this creates in the male psyche raises levels of stress, aggravation and agression significantly. In fact, many of the problems stemming from the masculine gender are based on excessive levels of agression, caused by frustration at our own ineptitude and incompitance, combined by other factors, such as the inability to bear children. But what, you might ask, of men's superior logic? Their larger and more muscular frames? Doesn't their higher alcohol tolerance count for anything? Surely you jest by ranking the magnificent male sexual organs on a lower level than the barely-functional female ones? And what about those cool beards they can grow, huh? Unfortunately, men's logic is often clouded by petty grudges, childishness, and at best simply makes us less imaginative. Being big and strong only perpetuates our childlike agressions, while our alcohol tolerance counts for naught if we ignore and exceed it. And what, you say, of the penis? Yea, even this final refuge of manhood shrinks under scrutiny as we grasp and peer for a glimpse of the truth. Despite the myth and romance shadily surrounding the legendary organ, it can quite simply be concluded that it just plain gets in the way. Ask any male who rides horses, jumps hurdles, or simply delivers speeches in front of crowds, and they will ashamedly attest to that fact. And, while beards may look nice, in reality they provide an ideal habitat for various species of parasites, who take every opportunity to move in and create an infestation. In conclusion, once one gets past the confusion and conspiracy, and the facts are laid out on the table in the light of day, the pro-man arguements deflate and lose their potency. The answer must now seem obvious to my now enlightened readers...what your jobs must be are to spread the gospel and convert your friends. Only then will the truth be known to all, and the males thrown from power, and rightfully so. Professor Cthulu, Ph.D., Miskatonic University in co-operation with Partnership for a Male-Free America Note: the ideas and views shown here are not nessessarily shared with the staff of this publication, or even the author himself! And especially not shared with the general modeming community, that's for damned sure... Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem. __________________________________________________________ \ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | / \ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | / -----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------ / | | \ / | "The harder you kick me, the bigger my toothless grin" | \ |________________________________________________________| <EOF> Begin3 Pinion #3 Magik E/Cthulu 169 <BOF> |~~~~ | ::: :::::: ::::: ::: :::::::::::: :::::: ::: ::: * :: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ####:::########:::#:::###::###:::#:::#:::######:::#:::####::###:::#### ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :::::::::::: ::: :::::: | | subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~ Hello my few and fond readers. Okay, this time we have more than ONE poem in ONE release! Amaaazing! Yup. So, heres our religiously brilliant attempts at literature. Thanks to everyone. Magik_Elvis- --- rock n' roll hey my hey rock die hey my will n' roll my my hey never | | do you know what time it is its time for you to look not at your watch but in the mirror tell me what you hear don't lie about what you know close your eyes and start to sew when they're shut you'll be free | | \ | / \ / V why me why me don't fuck with me don't fuck with me don't touch me why me don't fuck with me why me take me take me don't fuck with me touch why magik@elvis.com --- Trampled by a moose -By Evil Iggy A poet if I've ever seen one Oh mighty moose, you hit my caboose and mowed over my head like a mighty rolling bed which crushed my puni brain and put my blatter thru much pain which drove my urethra insane Oh mighty moose, who crushed my cranium which stopped me from rhyming that did not feel good Oh mighty moose like a river gone loose who stopped me from making sense that flew over the apple fields and into the pigmy paper meals Oh mighty moose who broke my pretty tooth and then to the dentist I went to get my tooth enbent and to pay an outragous price to put my jaw in a vice Oh mighty moose who crushed me like a telephone booth you make me sick like strawberry quick Oh mighty moose who's hoof prints adorn my face tis not a disgrace to have a taste of wildlife, on my face Oh mighty moose who parralized my lower body to get to the McPotty How I admire you so I now grab my shotgun, to blow the mighty moose into tasty moose juice Oh mighty moose, it's time that you learn the truth I'm going to cut your head loose and skin your flea bitten fleace and use your head as a mantel piece Oh mighty moose, your head now loose, nailed to the wall, so that you will not fall into my fire place every so often though, I spray you with mace and kick in your head just so I know you're dead I also feed you bread well, actually I just smack you with it but what's the dif? - Didn't really happen, but we can dream can't we? --- Do you think you're secure in your suits and ties My little conformist friend? One more clone becomes another friend for my own Threaten my life, I saw you in high school Beat the shit out of everyone ! Yeah ! You and your kick ass now, live now, ask questions Never attitude. Get the girls, fuck them, they think too much. Get the nerds, beat them, they think too much. Well, guess who the controller of your little world is now? Your nine to five routine is controlled by WHO, motherfucker? A NERD. Big Brother AND his nerd sister. We'll take that wedgie you gave us in high school, turn it into a computer that controls YOUR MIND and makes You the thoughtless vegetables we knew you were AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. Real HARD, just the way you like it Don't lie, we know you're a faggot under all that paint A blatant heterosexual buffoon is a cover and now, we'll Get a computer chip, just the right size for the inside Of your anal cavity, mother fucker! Think NOW fucker. --- Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem. __________________________________________________________ \ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | / \ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | / -----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------ / | | \ / | " Wow, that was really easy, wasn't it? Huh? What?" | \ |________________________________________________________| <EOF> Begin4 Pinion #4 Magic E/Cthulu 147 <BOF> |~~~~ | ::: :::::: ::::: ::: :::::::::::: :::::: ::: ::: * :: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ####:::########:::#:::###::###:::#:::#:::######:::#:::####::###:::#### ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::::: ::: :::::::::::: ::: :::::: | | subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~ Issue # 004 by Cthulu Magik Elvis, of course Welcome to another touch of brilliance. Ouch, that hurt. --- The Three Billy Goats Dysfunctional Cthulu Once upon a time there were three billy goats. They lived in a pasture across the river from an acceptably productive grazing field, where one could restore the body's required balance of minerals and vitamins without collecting potentially harmful amounts of cholesterol and trans-fatty acids. The difficulty lay in crossing the swiftly flowing river which divided the two plots of land. There was a bridge crossing the body of water, but it was the home of an unemployed troll who defied society's conventional standards of physical aesthetics and and fine dining. So the three goats remained on their side of the river and ate substandard chilean pesticide-sprayed whale fat clearcut causing hormonally enhanced genetically modified wheat... eventually, through a constant nourishing cycle for the three goats, and by no means because of overindulging in the grain, there was no more food left on their side of the river. The three goats would be forced to risk the underfed troll. So, the first and least physically intimidating goat began to cross the bridge. Trip trap, trip trap, trip trap went the wooden planks of the bridge dangerously, being part of the government's decaying infrastructure. The troll, hearing the footsteps, quickly scrambled on top of the bridge. He said, "Hello, fellow being. My search for sustainment has led me, regrettably, to the conclusion that I must eat you to continue my existance here on this plane. Be assured that I will be very kind and humane in your means of death, and that a place for you is assured in the afterlife or not, depending on your religious preference." The goat looked startled, not by the troll's outlandish and different appearance, but by the disturbing announcement. Then he remembered his brothers following him, and said "Friend troll, I fear that my small-but-functional body would not be enough to satisfy one of your proportionate appetites. My larger brother is following the path behind me, and will arrive at the bridge soon. If you let me pass, I am sure that he would gladly sacrifice his humble life to become one with your stomach." The troll looked at the small but by no means insignificant goat, and at his own growling lower torso. The troll, coming from a lower-class family, had not possessed the means to attend post-kindergarten education, and, as such, had not heard this story before. In his innocence and naivite, qualities admirable in reasonable quantities, he relented and allowed the first goat to pass into the fields beyond. He retreated underneath the bridge and waited for the second goat. Sure enough, after several minutes, a familiar trip trap, trip trap, trip trap came echoing through the rotten timbers of the bridge raised on selfish and greedy capitalistic values. The troll swung up on to the bridge and again delivered his speech. The goat looked startled, not by the troll's outlandish appearance nor by the announcement, but by the fact that society would ignore and scorn such a selfless and humble individual, who had been reduced to, through no fault of his own, harrassing pedestrians for food. He then remembered his own hungry stomach, and the fields of wheat beyond the poor desperate troll. Having always had the guidance of the third and largest billy goat, he remembered that some threats could be nullified with the appearances of physical retaliation, and perhaps his friend the third goat could shock the troll enough to be led into rehabilitation. On which thought, he replied to the troll's eloquent speech, "Friend troll, one of your need deserves a reward more filling and substantial than my own average body. My brother is even larger than I, and would most certainly satisfy your empty digestive system for several days. If you will wait but a few minutes, he will come along and verily leap down your throat to satisfy your hunger. Now, may I pass?" The troll looked at the only average sized goat, and at his own greater than average size belly, and imagined an even larger goat sitting in the place of the one which stood before him, smoke wafting off his body and an apple in his mouth. He then wiped the drool off his mouth, an entirely normal reaction to have when thinking about food, and let the second goat pass. He then sat on the bridge and looked far to the distance, where he could see a massive shape lumbering towards him. The land trembled beneath the footsteps of the third and largest billy goat (who had previously done some work as a stunt double in Jurassic Park), who glowered across the vast distances at the troll with an expression that practically screamed "It's clobberin' time!" The troll, accurately predicting the upcoming episode of purely gratuitous physical violence, feared for the sanctity of his own warty yet lovable hide, and retreated beneath the bridge. When he came out from under the bridge, he was bearing a sign which read "Fairy tales unfair to antagonists: Bad Guys On Strike". He thwarted the third billy goat's violent intentions with threats of positive action from his union, and got on the 6 'o clock news. A law was passed in the US Senate in the coming week, making it unconstitutional to pound on villains unfairly for absolutely no reason save as a device used to further the plot. Many cash settlements were resolved in court, and every one lived fairly ever after. THE END --- no be happy with what you have yes tomorrow you may not be so sad left right all around no get up stand up touch the ground i don't want i can't have less more i need a slave yes magik. --- _How to rock like a North Van Poser HomeBoy_ 1. ) Be like your alternative friends, buy a "Green Day" album. 2. ) No, wait, don't do that. 3. ) Green Day might suck, so buy a classic, say.. Nevermind. 4. ) I mean, hes DEAD, he won't end up lame like Kriss Kross or something. 5. ) Okay, next, get a buzz cut and flatten it out so you resemble Mike D 6. ) Mike D? The guy from the Beastie Boys. Sabotage? You know? 7. ) No, thats NOT their first album. 8. ) Okay, GET RID of that Vanilla Ice album 9. ) Oh, and Paula Abdul is no longer cool 10.) Get an alternative girlfriend. This is a must. 11.) Get a 90210 chick who likes NIN. NIN? Nine Inch Nails. 12.) Not bondage! the band! Oh fuck you. 13.) Okay, next step - find a band NO ONE likes. 14.) Not cuz they suck, cuz no ones ever heard of them. Where? 15.) Go to the alternative section in HMV. Yup, the record store. 16.) Now, go to the next big concert, with your girlfriend and haircut. 17.) And your knowledge of the music bus! 18.) Finally, bob your head back and forth, don't go to the pit. 19.) Don't mess up your hair, don't start getting political. 20.) And no matter WHAT Snoop Dogg says - don't get hurt! magik. --- Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem. __________________________________________________________ \ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | / \ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | / -----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------ / | | \ / | "Your vision of the future, always has YOU in it " | \ |________________________________________________________| <EOF>