Amnesia 7

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Text File | 1989-05-09 | 15.7 KB | 441 lines

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to do was find a computer system which (1) had a large enough memory to store all the necessary variables and (2) was fast enough to gather all the information together. Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Universe could be solved... ...So the government took every available micro-processor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available, put them all together, and then asked the computer: "IS THERE A GOD?" Unfortunately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the very least, a century or two to solve the problem... ...This wasn't good enough for the beaurocrats in Washington, who for the first time in their life deired something other than that status quo, so they decided to follow that up by taking every single computer in the *entire nation* and linking them all together into one giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super- powerful-computer and asked, once again, "I S T H E R E A G O D?" Well, this time the computer said that it would take only ten years to solve the equation. Not as bad, but still not quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Something more must be done!" they would shout... ...By this time the whole world was beginning to pay some attention and everone wanted to get involved. One everyone argued about which country could claim credit and settled all the basic disputes, they drafted a joint resolution to build the computer and discover the amount of truth in the assertation that there is a God. So -- they took every computer system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing supercomputer, the likes of which had NEVER, EVER, been seen before, and once again asked: "I S T H E R E A G O D?" And the computer's response was... "T H E R E I S N O W." I just got this in the mail. Thought you guys might enjoy it. The question he answers, by the way, is straight off a Stanford Application. Kathleen, recognize it? Anne The following essay, by Hugh Gallagher, 18, won first prize in the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It is stolen from the August, 1990 issue of Harper's. 3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read _Paradise Lost_, _Moby Dick_, and _David Copperfield_ in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX -------------------- 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. "This won't hurt, I promise." M A N -- To -- M A N -------------------- MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES .................... For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of those unspoken guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, "See, honey, I'm not the only one who does this stuff..." THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES: * On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost.... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old. * But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time. * Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides....It's all about who's out in front. * Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?" * A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer. * Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!." * Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them. * There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control handy ...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot. * If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet. * Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his freindship. * If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach, when you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad." * Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex life to another guy...unless the guy is your urologist. * A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in any activity, from Ping-Pong to chess....Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things. * If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, `thing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk away. * When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery. * If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one, you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never hear the end of it. * Ingore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all, just stunned.'" * Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys....That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records. * Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying, "how do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it-- here and here." * If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission. * Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo. * If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like "WOW! Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist. * When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.