BCI NET 2/BCI NET 2.iso/archives/textfiles/jokes1.lha/jokes_1/Getting_Old

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 9.9 KB | 301 lines

                                 From the
                            JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.




YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD WHEN:

You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.

You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.

You hear about CROWDED HOUSING and think it is some sort of new federal
program.

You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out with "oatmeal
bran" flavor.

You can no longer even remember your true hair color, though most if it was
gray.

You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.

You hear a Beatles record on Muzak, on the elevator at the Doctor's Building.

The salesgirls laugh when you suggest that white is the color for a wedding.

Your favorite radio star is given an award, posthumously.

You see antique stores selling old Remington Portable Typewriters, and you
purchase one.

Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.

You wonder if George Wallace will ever run again, for President.

You remember when the outfit you are wearing was first in style.

You realize that if John Wayne were your age, he would be dead 22 years.

The kid who repairs your windshield wiper is the same age as your
greatgrandson.

You keep shopping for a shampoo with Lanolin extract in it.

You know what LSMFT stands for.

Plowing the fields involved putting the harness on the horse.

You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the local television
station.

You still remember the characters on the Fibber McGee and Molly Show.

You remember the best family car you owned and it was a Nash Ambassador.

You ask for beer shampoo and no one knows what you are talking about.

You remember that your Grandfather swore by Father John's Medicine, with the
high alcohol content.

You know what Bon Ami is.

You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.

You sit at home, waiting for the Fuller Brush man to call on you.

You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were recycled automatically

You used to enjoy your bath with floating soap and trying to sink it.

You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the sewing machine.

You have memories of blowing a whole two bucks on a big league ball game.

Kids in your day simply played games and did not wear uniforms to do it.

You know there was a time when people who worked in shoe stores knew something
about shoes.

You can remember when there was no such thing as a phone answering machine.

You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take her on a date.

You survived entire summers without air conditioning.

You really enjoyed brushing your teeth with Teel.

You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.

Your idea of obscenity is jogging.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.

You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear, simply by taking
off your glasses.

You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took
their exercise.

You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you
can get.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the
wrong wall.

You join a health club and don't go.

You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.

That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.

You get winded, playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.

You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.

Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today."

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply
the second coat.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You are l7 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

You walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.

Your idea of a long trip is to the BACK of the K-Mart.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.

You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.

You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a pretty
young girl walk by.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.

You really don't look forward to celebrating your next birthday.

You not only get a senior citizen discount, but the clerk comments you should!

Your idea of a sports event is a wheelchair race.

You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.

Most of your day is spent making appointments with different doctors.

You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.

You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.

A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.

Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.

You sit and envy your parakeet for the energy it has to move around so much.

You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.

You lose an argument with a phone answering device.

Your idea of a complete day is to be able to finish the crossword puzzle.

You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.

You take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep
track of your friends.

You've been driving for 46 years and are now upset about taking a driver exam.

You go to visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency room staff comes
toward you with a wheelchair.

While trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to take additional
medication for your blood pressure.

That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first
four years at work.

You receive six pieces of mail in the same day and five of them are from
retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them.

Taking out a three year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive
thinking and real optimism.

You decide to put off one more day what you decided to put off one more day.

You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery lots.

You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.

Every Presidential election offers you the same choice, between fric and frac.

No matter who is elected or what they say, taxes get raised.

You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.

Your idea of strenuous exercise is a Bridge tournament.

You get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.

You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.

You would like to have Walter Chronkite back as anchor for the evening news.

You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.

You go to a sporting goods store to check prices on walking shoes.

Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.

Thinking about alternatives just wears you out.

You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.

The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very
upset and worried.

Your grand-daughter is taking ancient history and tells you about events
she is studying which happened when you were 25 years old.

You are still upset about Arthur Godfrey firing Julius LaRosa on the air.

Your idea of a wild drinking party is a medium size Coca Cola.

You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.

You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at the hospital.

You can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much as the
initial down-payment on a refrigerator.

You can recall when service stations actually were.

You call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.

You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.

You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.


                                 From the
                            JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.