Beijing Paradise BBS Backup/PARADISE.ISO/software/BBSDOORW/QI200.ZIP/LIST.003

Text File | 1993-01-04 | 17.3 KB | 501 lines

!
Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A:   Gifted!
!
Q:   How do blonde braincells die?
A:   Alone.
!
Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A:   Artificial intelligence.
!
Q:   Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A:   Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
!
Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1   She'd just dyed her hair.
A2   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
     too much.
!
Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A:   To catch everything that goes over their heads.
!
Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A:   You can park in the handicap zone.
!
Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.
!
Q:   How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A:   Shine a torch in her ears.
!
Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A:   It takes too long to retrain them.
!
Q1:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
 A:   There's white-out on the screen.
Q2:   How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
 A:   There's writing on the white-out.
!
Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.
!
Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A:   She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
!
Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
!
Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
!
Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
!
Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
     little packages.
!
Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.
!
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
!
Q:   Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A:   Because they can spell it.
!
Q:   Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A:   Toes Go In First.
!
Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A:   A mental block.
!
Q:   How do you change a blonde's mind?
A:   Blow in her ear.
!
Q:   What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A:   "Thanks for the refill!"
!
Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A:   Data transfer.
!
Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:   "What's a lightbulb?"
!
Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A:   "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
!
Q:   What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A:   A wine cellar.
!
Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A:   A wind tunnel.
!
Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
     blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
     Who picks it up?
A1:  The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
     the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2:  None of them.  There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
     Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
     wrapper.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A:   To see what was on the other side.
!
Q:   What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A:   Pull the pin and throw it back.
!
Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
     ground first?
A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
!
Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A:   Her IQ goes up!
!
Q:   What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:   Bigfoot has been spotted.
!
Q:   How do you drown a blonde?
A:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
!
Q:   How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A:   Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
!
Q:   What's the blonde's cheer?
A:   " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
       I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
!
Q:   What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A:   Change.
!
Q:   Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A:   Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
!
Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A:   She threw it off a cliff.
!
Q:   How does a blonde kill a fish?
A:   She drowns it.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
     puzzle in only 6 months?
A:   Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
!
Q:   How does a blonde high-5?
A:   She smacks herself in the forehead.
!
Q:   How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
!
Q:   Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A:   They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
!
Q:   What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A:   Frosted Flakes.
!
Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A:   "Oh look!  Donut seeds!"
!
Q:   Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:   To cover up the valve stem.
!
Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A:   Spot.
!
Q:   What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A:   A Space Invader.
!
Q:   What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A:   Air Supply.
!
Q:   What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A:   The back of her head.
!
Q:   Why do blondes drive VW's?
A:   Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
!
Q:   How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A:   Tell them a joke on Friday night!
!
Q:   What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A:   Branch Manager.
!
Q:   How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A:   She fell out of the tree.

Q:   Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1:  So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2:  So that when they're on the train they can tell
     if they're going to work or coming home.
!
Q:   Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A:   A blonde electrician.
!
Q:   What do you call a smart blonde?
A:   A golden retriever.
!
Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A:   "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"
!
Q:   How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A:   You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
!
Q:   How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A:   Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
!
Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A:   Proofreading.
!
Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A:   For throwing out the W's.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A:   She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
!
Q:   What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A:   Last year's hide and seek champ.
!
Q:   What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A:   To turn the blinker off.
!
Q:   What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A:   A blonde going through a flashing red light.
!
Q:   Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
     in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A:   They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
!
Q:   What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A:   A visitor.
!
Q:   Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A:   They keep breaking them with the hammers.
!
Q:   What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A:   The Air Pump!
!
Q:   How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
!
Q:   Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A:   She missed.
!
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
!
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."  The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
!
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop:      Do you know where you were going?
Blonde:   No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
          people were leaving.
!
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
!
Blonde:   We need help. We're three blondes changing
          a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:   Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde:   Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde:   Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
          we all fell and hurt ourselves.
!
!
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the
mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced, "I'm
going to try to swim to shore."  So she swam out five miles, and got
really tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too
tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here
and starve." So she attempts to swim out.  The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!  I think
I'd better try to make it, too."  So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"  So she swam back.
!
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks
and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
!
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
          to rain and the top is down!
!
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
a book called "How to Hug"?  Got back to the dorm and found out it
was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
!
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
     "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette:   "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:  "What is a B and C?".
Brunette:   "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead:    "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender:  "What's a G and T?"
Redhead:    "Gin and tonic."
Blonde:     "I'll have a 15."
Bartender:  "What's a 15?"
Blonde:     "7 and 7"
!
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw
a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.  The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!"  To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
!
Q:   Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A:   They don't know the route.
!
Q:   Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A:   So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
!
Q:   What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
     Ming vase?
A:   "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
!
Q:   How does a blonde commit suicide?
A:   She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
!
Q:   How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A:   Wave to her.
!
Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
A:   You don't. They're born that way.
!
Q:   How did the blonde burn her nose?
A:   Bobbing for french fries.
!
Q:   How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A:   She has a checkbook.
!
Q:   How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A:   There is a stamp on it.
!
Q:   How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A:   She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
!
Q:   Why do blondes like lightning?
A:   They think someone is taking their picture.
!
Q:   Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
     flat forehead?
A:   Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
!
Q:   Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A:   From eating with forks.
!
Q:   Why don't blondes double recipes?
A:   The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
!
Q:   Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A:   They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
!
Q:   Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A:   She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
!
Q:   What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A:   Reservations.
!
Q:   What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A:   Air bubbles.
!
Q:   What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A:   An air mattress.
!
Q:   What does a blonde owl say?
A:   What, what?
!
Q:   Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A:   To see what was on the other side.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A:   From crawling across the street when the sign said
     "DON'T WALK".
!
Q:   Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A:   In case she locks the keys in her car.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A:   So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
!
Q:   What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A:   Third Grade.
!
Q:   What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A:   144 blondes.
!
Q:   Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A:   It swells at night.
!
Q:   A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
     She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A:   The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
!
Q:   A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
     cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A:   "Six, please.  I could never eat twelve pieces."
!
Q:   What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
     occur around the home?
A:   She moved.
!
Q:   What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A:   A blonde parade.
!
Q:   Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A:   They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
!
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.  In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue.  The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"  In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow.  He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"  The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing.  In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color.  The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply.  "But I have a crew of blondes laying
sod across the street.
!
Did you hear about the blonde who:
 *  was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
 *  took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
 *  got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
 *  was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
 *  thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
 *  brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
!
At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out
at the same time.  A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes
off, leaving its owner rather perplexed.  About three minutes latter,
she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
!
Q:   Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A:   Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
     packet.
!
Q:   How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A:   (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
!
Q:   What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A:   Rebel without a clue.
!
Q:   Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A:   They're too hard to peel.
!
Q:   What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
     surgery on a blonde?
A:   "Space. The final frontier......"
!
Q:   What's brown and black and blue?
A:   A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
!
Q:   Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A:   So she could keep the refriderator cold.
!
Q:   What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A:   A thought.
!
Q:   How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A:   One.
!
Q:   Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A:   She didn't know what ONE came first...
!
Q:   How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A:   Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
     blow dryer!