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}AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! } *** System shutdown message from root *** System going down in 60 seconds }#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word }$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. }'Change' is scientific, 'progress' is ethical; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy. Bertrand Russell }'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." -- G. K. Chesterton }'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." -- Mae West }'I've heard of wooden legs and plastic arms, but a hickory dickory, Doc?' }" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability" - George Bernard Shaw - }'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. - George Bernard Shaw - }'Three happy summers and a thousand years ago.' - Mayan saying }'Tis the dream of each programmer, Before his life is done, To write three lines of APL, And make the damn things run. }'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks Did gyre and gimble in their cave All mimsy was the CS-VAX And Cory raths outgrabe. "Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! Beware the broken pipe, and shun The frumious system crash!" }'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. "Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through The looks that melt, the claws that and through catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. And paused to smoke some pot. 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod Did groove and trip out at the pad: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, And the Radcliffe undergrad. } 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... }'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... }(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. }(1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. }(article) -- "DELAWARE BILL URGES FLOGGING FOR DRUG DEALS" Dover, Del. (AP) -- Drug traffickers in Delaware, which outlawed public floggings less than 30 years ago, could be stripped to the waist and given 40 lashes if legislation introduced in the state Senate becomes law. Asked if corporal punishment might be viewed as a violation of the Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment, Senate Majority Leader Thomas Sharp said it shouldn't be in a society that permits executions. "I don't know why beating them is any worse." } (As seen in an amusement park trade journal) WORLDS TALLEST WOODEN ROLLER COASTER 6 Flags Theme Park, Arlington, Texas Length of Track 4,920 feet Height of lift hill 143 feet Features: 137 foot first drop 53 degreee angle 60 degree banking on turns G-forces to 2.7 G. 62 MPH max. speed. Ride time 2.5 minutes Covers 2.9 acres Cost 5-million to build. Not for those with weak, nervous bladders, or stomachs. }(clip) -- GOLDEN, Colo. (AP) -- More than $1 million in gadgets, trinkets and more elaborate items -- such as a wine still, a grandfather clock and gold-painted phalluses -- were made over a 17-year period at the Rocky Flats nuclear weapons plant, according to a copyright story in the Boulder Daily Camera. }(from an advice column) -- My boyfriend and I have had sex several times and no protection was used. Now I think I'm pregnant because I get morning sickness, my stomach aches, and I have a strong desire for pickles and ice cream. }(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! } (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. }(To Walter Cronkite): "Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street" - Neil Armstrong - } *** ******* ********* ****** Confucious say: 'Is stuffy inside fortune cookie.' ******* *** } *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! }... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust. }... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain }"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations." -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare }"... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark Twain }"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain }... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man -- A. E. Housman }... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man A. E. Housman }"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own." -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words }... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White }... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. J. B. White } ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to the front of the bus." But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like unto a snowball in Hell." -- "The Begatting of a President" }... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles. -- Harlan Ellison }... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. -- Virginia Masters }... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. }" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" -- Winston Churchill }... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI!! }... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. -- Stephen Crane }... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable! }"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth }... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. -- Voltarine de Cleyre }... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }... The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand ... Frank Herbert } "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'" "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself. "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" }... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call "inhuman." -- R. A. Lafferty }... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish. -- Thom McLeod }"....and here it is 19...uh, what year is this?" --- Bob Dylan being interviewed by Rolling Stone Magazine. }"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail." }..."So you think it's me who's strange But you never had to make the change Never give your trust away You'll end up paying till your dying day..." --- Black Sabbath }...the difference between town and country is mostly the view. Nan Fairbrother }1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law! }100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum... }101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro (101) Currency }186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! }2180, U.S. History question: What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what office did he later hold? }"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!" }43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped }7 COME 11 Ya goin to go to Vegas or Reno to break the bank? Well, think twice. Nevada Casino's grossed 5.24 billion dollars from folks like us who feel lucky. }77. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! }7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. }7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. }99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... }A 27-year old Phoenix man was killed yesterday when a saguaro cactus he shot fell on him, authorities said. }A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. }A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl Sandburg }A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. Don Quinn }A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women and yet has the art to remain a bachelor. Helen Rowland. American journalist }A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.-- Mark Twain }A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wats it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910) }A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well simpliy because it was selling well. Daniel Boorstin }A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big. Francis Scott Fitzgerald }"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money" - Everett Dirksen - }A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it adds up to be real money. Everett McKinley Dirksen }A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. }A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. Gian Vincenzo Gravina }A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. Bert Leston Taylor }A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. }A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. }A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. }A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana }A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx }A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. }A cigarette: "A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacoo in between." }A circuit protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan }A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow }A city is a large community where people are lonesome together Herbert Prochnow }A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain } "A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm." ---- Henrik Ibsen Norwegian dramatist (1828-1906) }A company is judged by the president it keeps. James Hulbert }A component selected at random from a group having 99% reliability, will be a member of the 1% group. }A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it. }A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo }A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. Gigo }A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. Arthur Bloch }A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen }A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen }A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg. }A CONS is an object which cares. Bernie Greenberg. }A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. }A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer }A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample. -- Rebecca West }A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs. German Proverb }A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben Franklin }A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben Franklin }A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. }A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. H. L. Mencken }A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Edgar A. Shoaff }A day can be brightened by seeing someone a little plumper than you are. }A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?" "You have a mistress, now do you!!?" }A despondent teenager who asked a couple of friends to hang him changed his mind at the last minute. Unfortunately his pals were excited and killed him anyway, Turkish newspapers report. }A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost }A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. }A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. }A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". } A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" }A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash }A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Ogden Nash }A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. }A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. Francoise Sagan }A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. }A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill }A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Winston Churchill }A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- G. B. Shaw }A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. }A foreigner visiting the U.S. thought "oakie dokie" was the feminine of "O.K." Of course he was mistaken. The feminine of "O.K." is maybe. }A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries }"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" }A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson }A friend of mine reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. }A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original, he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following: Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?" Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes and I want to be there when it happens." }A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. -- H. L. Mencken }A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 }A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. Joey Adams }A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" }A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). }A good family is one that used to better. Cleveland Amory }A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it. Alfred Hitchcock }A good memory is needed after one has lied. Pierre Corneille }A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. -- John Ciardi }A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw }"A great city is nothing more than a portrait of itself, and yet when all is said and done, its arsenals of scenes and images are part of a deeply moving plan." -- From Winter's Tale by Mark Helprin }A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James }A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century. }A great part of courage is the courage of having done the thing before. R.W. Emerson } A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly. "I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while." }A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence. }A holding company is the people you give your money to while you're being searched. Will Rogers }"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" -- Shakespeare "King Richard III" Act V Scene 4 Line 7 }A house is not a home. Polly Adler. American madam. }A Huguenot named Bernard Palisay expressed the opinion in 1589 that fossils were the remians of living critters. Those who didn't agree burned him at the stake. }A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? -- Tom Galloway }A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - Tom Galloway }A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" }A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost }A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. Robert Frost }A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. }A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" -- Gopete Sherany }A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. }A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. Dennis M. Ritchie }A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. Anatol Holt }A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. }A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. You can then go on to the next lesson. }A liberal is a person whose inerests aren't at stake, at the moment. Willis Player }A liberal man is too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. --Robert Frost }A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. }A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. } A linguist thought it a farce That memory space was so sparse. One day they increased it. Said he as he seized it: 'At last! Enough core for the parse'. }A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. }"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry" - Bismarck - }A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time. Teyve }A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H. H. Munroe }A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. }A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." }A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steve Wright }A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. Lew Col }A man came into the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that. - Mark Twain, on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California } A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she dares. Elbert Hubbard } A man said to the Universe: 'Sir, I exist.' 'However,' replied the Universe, 'The fact has not instilled in me a sense of obligation.' -- Stephen Crane }A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." Stephen Crane }A man who saves for rainy days, gets a lot of bad weather reports from relatives. } A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. -- "The Tao of Programming" }A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. }A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. }A member of your family will soon do something that will make your proud. }A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -- Audobon Society Magazine } A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" }A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" }A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. }A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. }A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination. }A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. }A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. }A night watchman is someone who earns a living without doing a day's work. }A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -- Mahatma Ghandi } A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient power-down sequence. An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool. }A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. }A PATRIOTIC WHOREHOUSE Joe Conforte, brothel manager and former owner of the Mustang Ranch in Nevada has offered free 24-hour take-out date to servicemen returning from the Persian Gulf. So far, over a hundred takers. }A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -- Gloria Steinem }A pedestrian is a person walking or lying in the street, whichever comes first. }A Pentagon study of long-distance calls placed by the Defense Intel- ligence Agency shows that the super-secret military spy outfit spent $25,000 a month on calls to a New York City "Dial-a-Porn" number. }A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. }A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. G.C. Lichtenberg }A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald }A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald }A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. GEORGE WALD }A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" } A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. }A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke. Max Eastman }A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. H.L. Mencken }"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" }A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And he answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate? said the priest. Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" } A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." }"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place." -- IEEE Grid news magazine }A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. M. de Cervantes }A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams }A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. }A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation. -- Colton }A pun is the lowest form of humour - when you don't think of it first. Oscar Levant }A puritan is a person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things. G.K. Chesterton }A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. -- Donald A. Metz }"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." -- Steel City News }A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" }A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. }A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason. }A real person has two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason. }A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ... }A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's obvious mistakes. }A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater. }A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupery }A San Francisco man -- wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun -- impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months, checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game warden out of "boredom and drugs." He said he inspected more than 200 fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores. }A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. Peter McArthur }A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing. -- Samuel Butler } A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 }A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing. Marilyn Monroe }A Shadow has fallen upon the scenes so lately lighted by the Allied victory. From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent. - Winston Churchill, March 5 1946 }A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea. Dutch proverb }A short saying contains much wisdom. Sophocles. }A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard -- Prof. Steiner }A smile costs nothing to give It enriches those who receive without Making poorer those who give It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever None is so rich or so mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made rich by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary cheer to the discouraged sunshine to the sad and it is nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought begged or borrowed or stolen, for it is something of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours as none needs a smile so mich as he who has no more to give. }A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. Mark Twain }A South African company is selling an anti-riot vehicle that plays disco music through a loudspeaker to soothe the nerves of would-be troublemakers. The vehicle, already bought by one nation, which the company did not identify, also carries a water cannon and tear gas. }A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry }A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. O'Henry }A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. -- Daniel Webster }A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. }A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. }A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Marty Allen }A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson }A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson }A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the right one and therefore can't find it in the dictionary. Anon }A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }A traffic light is a little green light that changes to red when your car approaches it. }A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. }A two-week vacation with four kids in a tent makes you appreciate the serenity of the work place. }A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. John Ciardi }"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin }A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. }A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking. }A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. Tenessee Williams }A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Samuel Goldwyn }A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. }A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. }A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well. }A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain. }A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. Baltasar Gracian }A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. }"A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire }"A witty saying proves nothing." Voltaire }"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII }A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far. Fannie Hurst }A Woman is like a teabag -- you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. Nancy Reagan }"A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end." F. Schubert }A zygote is a gamete's method of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe. }A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. -- Donald A. Metz }A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. -- Donald A. Metz }A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive }Ability: the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits. --- Casey Stengel Baseball Great (1891-1975) }About the only beneficial thing in smoking is that it repels gnats and mosquitoes. Which only proves you don't have to be big to be smart. }"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." -- Herbert Hoover }About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Herbert Hoover }Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. }Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. }Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. }Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. }Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace Sayre }Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. }Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. }Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns." }According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year. }According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo }According to my best recollection, I don't remember. Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo }According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. }According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies. }"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." -- David Letterman }Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. }Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. }Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right }Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right }Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. } ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!! }Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion. Kate Reid }Actions speak louder than words. Proverb } Actor Rob Lowe wants his insurance company to pay his legal fees or any damages awarded to a Georgia woman suing him over her teen-age daughter's appearance in a homemade pornographic videotape. But the Chubb Custom Insurance Company of New Jersey said Lowe's insurance policy does not cover "intentional actions" such as using "celebrity status as an inducement to females to engage in sexual intercourse, sodomy, and multiple-party sexual activity for his immediate sexual gratification and for the purpose of making pornographic films." The Chubb folks have asked a federal judge in Atlanta to rule that damages arising from making sex tapes in a hotel room are not a covered item under a homeowner's policy. (But exactly what DOES that policy cover anyway???) }Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" }Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }Actor:"I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" }Actually, I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty years. Monty Hall }ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." }ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." }Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. }Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. } Adolf Hitler was very keen on the occult, so he went to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could tell him how long he would live. After careful charting, she said, "I can't predict the exact date of your death, but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "And which holiday will this be?" he asked. "It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday." }"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ..." -- Gilda Radner }Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. }Advertising agency: eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. - Fred Allen }Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. -- Sinclair Lewis }Advertising is the greatest art form of the twentieth century. - Marshall McLuhan in Advertising Age, 1968 }Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money out of it. - Stephen Leacock (1869-1944) }Advice is least heeded when most needed. Proverb }Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, then at least be asceptic. }After all is said and done, sit down. Bill Copeland }After all there is but one race - humanity. George Moore }After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P. J. O'Rourke }After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. } After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement." -- Norman Thomas }After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? }After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case. }After the first death, there is no other. Dylan Thomas }After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. }Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. }Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. }Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. }Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. -- Dorothy Parker }Age, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce }Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, there's the rub. For all dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare most end with the dreamer But at least one must be lived ... and died. }"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic }Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed }Alas, I am dying beyond my means. Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed }Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." }Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible. }Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. }Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. }ALIASES, DISGUISES AND MURDER. SHE'S KNOWN AS BAT GIRL Sacramento police are looking for athletic 20-year-old Michelle Cumminsky. She's tall, green eyed and has a ring of bats tattooed around her left upper arm. On her neck is a tattoed vampire bite complete with blood drippings. Police have named her Bat Girl and she is wanted for questioning for two possible murders in the Sacramento area. }Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. Peggy Joyce }All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp. B.B. Franklin }All art is quite useless. - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891 }All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others. -- Alan Truscott }All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. }"All flesh is grass" -- Isiah Smoke a friend today. }"All flesh is grass" Isaiah Smoke a friend today. }All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened. Ernest Hemingway }"All great changes are irksome to the human mind, especially those which are attented to with great dangers and uncertain effects." --- John Adams in letter to James Warren April 2, 1776 }All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. }All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. }All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. }All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... }All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas. KINGFISH }All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power -- Ashleigh Brilliant }All mankind love a lover. Ralph Waldo Emerson }All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. -- Woody Allen }"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane." }"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -- Jane Wagner }All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. }All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. -- Vic Gold }All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. }All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. Samuel Butler }All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is impossible. }All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford }All science is either physics or stamp collecting. E. Rutherford (who later won a Nobel prize in Chemistry) }"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands." -- Saint Patrick }All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. -- La Rochefoucauld }All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. -- Jim Fiebig }All the world loves a lover -- except those who are waiting to use the phone. }All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey }All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. Sean O'Casey }All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed. }All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 }All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman }All things are only transitory. Goethe }All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python's Flying Circus. }All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. }All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. -- Francois Fenelon }All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow. E. Esar }All work and no play, will make you a manager. }All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling. -- H. L. Mencken }"Alles hat ein Ende -- nur die Wurst zwei" (Translation: "Everything has an end -- only the sausage has two.") -- anonymous German proverb. }Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. }Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Although this sentence begins with the word "because", it is false. Douglas R Hofstadter }Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping." -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) }Although you may spend you life killing, you will not exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, your real enemy will be slain. --- Hagarjuna }Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. Irene Peter }Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. }Always is forever. Forever is a lie. I can only love you until the day I die. }Always keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. -- from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, by Robert A. Heinlein }Always keep your hands where you can find them in the dark. -- Maurice Tyhead about cinemas }Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it. }"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way." }AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. }AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. }Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy }America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. OSCAR WILDE }America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. John O'Hara }America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood? ALLEN GINSBERG }Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised. Syrus }Among civilized nations reason has always been an occupational hazard. Anon }Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think. Alexander Pope }An abbreviated view of world theology: Taoism: S--- happens. Buddhism: If s--- happens, it isn't really s---. Zen: What is the sound of s--- happening? Hindu: This s--- has happened before. Islam: If s--- happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestant: Let s--- happen to someone else. Catholicism: If s--- happens, you deserved it. Judaism: Why does s--- always happen to us? ---Elizabeth Crabbs }An abstract term is like a valise with a false bottom, you may put in it what ideas you please, and take them out again, without being observed. }An adult is a deteriorated child. Anon. }An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. -- James Michener, "Space" }An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President - but is always polite to traffic cops. }An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. }"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." -- David Letterman }An applicant for federal employment read the question on an employment form: "Do you favour the overthrow of the government by force, subversion or violence?" He thought it was a multiple-choice question and answered "violence". }An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie } An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint. As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable. The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" }An argument is two people trying to get in the last word first. ---Caloosa Belle NewsPaper LaBelle, Florida July 17, 1991 }An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. John Buchan }An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." }An author ought to write for the youth of his own generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of ever afterwards. F. Scott Fitzgerald }An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. }An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing. - Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant, 1968 }An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter }An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. Adlai Stevenson }An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. }An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed. }An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" }An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. -- A. P. Herbert }An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. A. P. Herbert }An eternity is...keeping a smile on your face until the shutter clicks and 20 minutes of aerobic exercises. }An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. Niels Bohr. Danish physicist }An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" }An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. Konrad Adenauer }"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself" - Camus - }An intelligence test often shows how smart one would have been not to take it. }An Irishman takes no chances. "God is good, and the Devil ain't bad either!" }An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name. RENE MAGRITTE }An ode to Dvorak: "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books Not realizing that they've been had." } An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." }An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed. Kin Hubbard }An optimist is a guy who has never had much experience. Don Marquis }An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts. John Junor }An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. Proverb }Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. }And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void That others may know In the land of the night The ship of the sun Is drawn by The grateful dead. -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. }And I heard Jeff exclaim, As they strolled out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all -- You take credit cards, right?" -- "Outsiders" comic }"And if the band you're in starts playing a different tune I'll see you on the dark side of the moon..." --Pink Floyd }AND MORE ABOUT COPS I guess that in California, patrolman Tony Gubler can be named CHP cop of the year. In one month he issued 778 citations on the Orange Freeway near Santa Ana. "Just doing my job," says Gubler. }AND SPEAKING OF CONDOMS In Roman Catholic Ireland, the sale of condoms is forbidden except to married couples, and then only by a doctors prescription. }And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" } And war it has been indeed - the long war of life against its inhospitable environment, a war that has lasted for perhaps three billion years. It began with strange chemicals seething under a sky lacking in oxygen; it was waged through long ages until the first green plants learned to harness the light of the nearest star, our sun. The human brain, burns by the power of the leaf. --- Loren Eiseley --- The Star Thrower (1978) }"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." }And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics. -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and Ground Cover" }Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that needs heroes. -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" }"Angels and ministers of grace defend us." Shakespeare "Hamlet" Act I Scene 4 Line 39 }Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Lehrer }Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. Tom Leher }Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" } Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. }ANOTHER MILLION OR MORE TO MADE WITH A SCREWY IDEA? Well, those round, plastic strainers that sit in the bottom of urinals can now come with any printed face that you provide. Made by a company called Urinique produces. This is from Herb Caen. }ANOTHER WAY TO UTILIZE SOCKS There had been a few stories how males have utilized their socks. Now, a Michigan AIDS prevention group has come up with another idea. They are marketing a line called Safe Sox. Has a flapped pocket on one ankle where you can carry a condom. } Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. (3) I don't know. (4) Who cares? (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). }Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. }Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. }Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. }Anthropologist Brunetto Chiarelli, a professor at the University of Florence, was quoted in interviews published in the Italian press earlier this week as saying he believed ape-men could be bred to carry out menial tasks or provide transplant organs. }Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. }Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. }Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. Arthur Somers Roche }Anxiety is fear of one's self. Wilhelm Stekel }Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due. Dean Inge }Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. Soren Kierkegaard }Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. -- Charles McCabe }Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe }Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.- Charles McCabe }Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. -- Richard Schickel }Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian. Lee Simonson }Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop }Any excuse will serve a tyrant. Aesop }Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. }Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. }Any government that's strong enough to give the people everything they want is a government that's strong enough to take it away. }Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. -- Solomon Short }Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }Any man who thinks he is smarter than his wife is married to a very smart woman. }Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris }Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. }Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. ARTHUR C CLARKE }Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic. ARTHUR C CLARKE }Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber }Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich Kulawiec }Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. }Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke }Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. }Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. }Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. }Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade }Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked. }Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. W.C. Fields }Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. } Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not easy. -- Aristotle }Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. Robert Benchley }Anyone can hate. It costs to love. JOHN WILLIAMSON }Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publilius Syrus }Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. }Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn }Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields }Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will. John Kenneth Galbraith }"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." }Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin Hood }Anything anybody can say about America is true. EMMETT GROGAN }Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. }Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. }Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. Afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thom }APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. }APL is a write only language: You can write programs in it; but try and read them! }"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can't read any of them." -- Roy Keir }Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. }AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. }Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing general can be said." }ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE }ARE WE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP -- Or just doing research on each other? }"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. }ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. }Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse }Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Mickey Mouse }Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle }Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. }Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. }Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan. }Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin }Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. }"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- Matt Cartmill }"As Benjie Franklin said, bub, there's only two certain things in life... and this one ain't taxes." -- Chris Claremont }As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Albert Einstein }As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein }As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert }As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. Weisert }As I was going up Punch Card Hill, Feeling worse and worser, There I met a C.R.T. And it drop't me a cursor. C.R.T., C.R.T., Phosphors light on you! If I had fifty hours a day I'd spend them all at you. -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes }As I was passing Project MAC, I met a Quux with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC? }"As it was before, then again it will be; Though the course may change sometimes, Rivers always reach the sea." --Led Zeppelin, "Ten Years Gone", Physical Graffiti }As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American talk like that. -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) }As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. Oscar Wilde }"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. }As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 }As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody Allen }As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. }As to abuse -- I thrive on it. Abuse, hearty abuse, is a tonic to all sane men of indifferent health. - Norman Douglas, Some Limericks, 1928 }As we ascend the social ladder, viciousness wears a thicker mask. Erich Fromm }As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable." }As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" }As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the spider is suing you for damages. }Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler }Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate. }Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. }Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. }"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" -- David Letterman }Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". }Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. -- Stanley Walker }"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles" - Pat Paulsen - }Astrology has the same relation to Science as Religion does to Reality - none whatsoever. }At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. }At an Illinois school, Reagan told pupils about a British law under which anyone carrying a gun while committing a crime was automatically tried for murder, whether he used the gun or not. When it was pointed out that Britain never had such a law, Reagan's spokesman said, "Well, it's a good story, though." Four years later, in an interview with the New York Times, the president told the story again. }At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles. }At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow }At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 }At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden }At our last party we were all making Mary, then we jumped for Joy! }At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliche. Stanislaw J. Lec }At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. }Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. }Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. -- Winston Churchill }Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. Winston Churchill }August 12, 1990 (early morning). It is said that the two great human sins are pride and hate. Are they? I elect to think of them as the two great virtues. To give away pride and hate is to say you will change for the good of the world. To embrace them, to vent them, is more noble; that is to say that the world must change for the good of you. I am on a great adventure. HAROLD EMERY LAUDER }Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley Kaufman }Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. }Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. }Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" }"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student } Baby you're the only thing in this whole world That's pure and good and right And wherevere you are and wherever you go There's always gonna be some light -- Jim Steinman }Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. }Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" }Back of every achievement is a proud wife, and a surprised mother-in-law. Brooks Hays }Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. G J Nathan }Bagbiter: 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, CHOMPER, CHOMPING. }Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. }Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. }Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. }Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. }Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. }Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. }Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. }Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. }Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. }Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. -- Will Rogers }"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." -- David Letterman }Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish. }Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. }Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. }Bathquake, n.: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. }Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" }Be awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down. }Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain }Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Mark Twain }Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything. Aesop }Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. }Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. Scottish Proverb }Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. }BEAUTIFUL FEATHERS, GREAT SPORT TO SHOOT That's what almost make the California Condor extinct. Another chick was hatched at San Diego Wild Animal Park. It now makes a known count of 43 living Condors. When I was small there were three taxidermist shops in my home town and each supported a stuffed condor in its window. Taxidermy is almost a lost art now days. A very unpopular trade to most people. }Beauty is everlasting, And dust is for a time. Marianne Moore }Beauty is truth, truth beauty. John Keats }Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves and Immortality. -- Emily Dickinson }Bees are very busy souls They have no time for birth controls And that is why in times like these There are so many Sons of Bees. } Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" }Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. } Before you beat the dog, Learn his master's name. ---Chinese proverb }Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. }Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. }Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. }Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. }Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. }"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time Bandits }"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" Time Bandits }better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus <north pole >town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus <north pole > town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) be good }Better to reign in hell than serve in heav'n. John Milton }Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single word. It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both Parliament and Party. It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other planets, this may be the first message received from us. -- The Realist, November, 1964. }Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- MAE WEST. }"Beware of Altruism, it is based on self-deception, the root of all evil." - Robert Anson Heinlein from _Time Enough for Love_ }"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth }Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein }Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure. }"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" }Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. }BIG MAMA Atlanta, Georgia police arrested a 34-year-old 5'1" 350 pound woman for selling drugs. A search turned up a pistol hidden under her left breast and $2000 in cash completely hidden in the fat folds of her abdomen. }Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. }Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. }"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division." }Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York }Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm. }"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks" T. S. Elliot - }Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks. T. S. Elliot }Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Bizoos, n.: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels. }Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. }Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. }"Bob" is everywhere... $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $$$ $$ $ $ $$$$ $$$$%$$$ $ $ $$ $$$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $$$$%%$$$ $ $ $$ $$$ $ $$ $ $ $$$ $$$$$%%$$$$ $ $ $ $$ $ $$$ $ $$ $$$$ $$$$$%%%$$$$$ $$$$ $ $ $$ $ $$$$$ $$ $$$$$ $$$$$$%%%$$$$$$$$$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$%%%$$%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$%%$$%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$%$$$ $$$$$$%$$%%%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$%%$$$ $$$$$$$$%%%%%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$%%$$$ $$$$$$$%%% $$$$$$$$ $$$%%$$ $$$$$$%%% $$$%%$$ $$$$$$%%% $$$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% % $$$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% % $$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% % $$%%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %%% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$$%%%% %% $$$%$$ $$$$%%%% $$$$ %% $$$$%$$ $ $$$%%%% $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$%% $$$$$$$ $$$ $$%%% $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$%% $$$$$$ $$$$ %%% $$$ $$$$ $$%% $$$$$$ $$$$$$%%% $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $%% $$$$$$ $$$$ %%% $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$ %%% $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ % $$$$$ $$$$ $$$ $ $$ $$$$ $$$$$$ $ $ $$ $$$$ $$$$ $ $$$ %%%$$$ %% $$$ $$$$ $$$$ %%%% $$ %%%%%% %%% $$$$ $$$$ %%% %%%%% $ %%%%%%% $$$$ $$$$ %%%%% $$ %%% $$ $ $$ $ %% $ $ $$ $ $$ $ $ $ $ $$ $ %$ $$ $ $ $ $ %%$ $$$$ $$$ $$ $ %%% $ $ $$ $$ $$ $ %%%% $ $$$ $$ $ $ $$$ $$ %%%% $$$ $$$ $$$ $ $ $$$ $$ %%%$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$%%% $$$$$$$$$$ $ $$$$$$$ %%%%%%%%%%%%% $$$$$$$$$ $ $$$$$$ %%$$$$%%%% $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$ %$$$$$$$$% $$$$$$$$$ $$$$ $$ $ $$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$ $$$ $$ $ %$$$$ $$ $$$$ $ $ %%%%$$$%$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$ $$ %%%%$$$$ $$ $$$$ $$ $$ %%$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$ $ $ $$$$$%%%%%%%%% $$$$ $$ $$ $$$$$ $$$ $ $ $$$$ $$$ $$ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $ $$$$ $$$ $$ $$ $$$$$ $$ $$$ $ $$ $$ $$$$$$ $$$ $$$ $ $$$$ $$ $$$$$$ $$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$ $ $$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$ $$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ }Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. }Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. }Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. }Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. }Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. }Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. }Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. }Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. }Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter Winchell }Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. }Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. }Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." }Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." }Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar. -- O. W. Holmes }Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. }"Boy, life takes a long time to live -- Steven Wright }Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. }Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. }Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber }Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. Kin Hubbard }Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard }Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" }Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. }Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. }Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee... that will do them in. }Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" }Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" }Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Brevity is the soul of wit. William Shakespeare }Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king. -- Mark Van Doren }Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. }British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. }Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. }Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered species. -- Thomas K. Connellan }Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later }Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. }Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. }Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. }Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". }Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". }Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. }Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. }Buffloes are.....better looking than cows -- they don't have fat all over their butts. -- Ted Turner }Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. -- Ray Simard }Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. }Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. }Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" }BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." -- Jay Ward }BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." Jay Ward }Bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture" }Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe }Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. }Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. }Burn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. -- Robert Burns }Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. KEN WEAVER }"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws." }But in modern war...you will die like a dog for no good reason. Ernest Hemingway }But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" }"But keep the dog far thence that's friend to Man or with his claws he'll dig it up again." T. S. Eliot }"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station." }But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. -- Hilaire Belloc }But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery -- go! -- Mark "The Bard" Twain }"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?" }"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?" }Buttercup looked at Westley. "The Fire Swamp? Are you mad?! We'll never survive!" Westley smiled at Buttercup as he grasped her hand. "Nonsense," he said. "You're only saying that because no one ever has." William Goldman (The Princess Bride) }Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. Lord Beaverbrook }Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; Less dear than army ants in apple pies Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose They suck, and like the double-breasted suit Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. }By 1960 work will be limited to three hours a day. John Langdon-Davies. A Short History of the Future 1936 }By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. }By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. }"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)" -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] }By the act of marriage you endorse all the ancient and dead values. You endorse things like monogamy. Lifelong monogamy is a maniacal idea. Germaine Greer }By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open locks! Whoever knocks! -- Shakespeare Macbeth Act IV Sc. I Line 44 }By the time a family pays off the mortgage for a home in the suburbs, the home isn't home, and the suburbs aren't suburbs. }"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ..." -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" }By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I mean. -- Mark Twain }By virtue we merely mean the avoidance of the vices that do not attract us. Robert Lynd }Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers. }Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _there_. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard }Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. }"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 }Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. }Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. }California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. -- Fred Allen }California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran }California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." Ed Moran }Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb }"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." }"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." }"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth }"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont." -- Clarence Darrow }Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. Johnston }CAN A DOG SUE? Democratic Representative of Jersey City, N.J. Went quail hunting with some other political cronies, and he really pulled a boo-boo. Shot the hunting dog in the ass. The dog is reported in good shape. }CAN THIS REALLY BE MY LIFE? or has there been some mistake? }"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" "Uh, not right now." "Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." -- "Real Genius" }Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. }Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. }Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83, Financial Post }Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. }CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. }Canonical, adj.: The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" Stallman: "What did he say?" Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." }CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. }CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. }Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. }Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. }Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match. }Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. }Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. -- Mark Twain }Cease to think the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. -- Vergil }Cecil, you're my final hope Of finding out the true Straight Dope For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat But none of my cats are at all like that. This unusual animal (so it is said) Is simultaneously alive and dead! What I don't understand is just why he Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. My future now hangs in between eigenstates. In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, Then I will *and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams }Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. -- Kelvin Throop III }Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? }Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" }Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying then without money? Ogden Nash }Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- Did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden Nash }Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish. Ovid }Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit. Henry B. Adams } Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. }Character Density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office. }Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office. }Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. }Checkuary, n.: The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. }Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French. }Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. }Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. }Chemistry is applied theology. -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III }Chess is about as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency. Raymond Chandler }Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 }Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you. -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 }Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! }Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! }Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Chief Justice William Rehnquist holds a deed for his summer home in Vermont prohibiting the sale of the property to blacks and "anyone of the Hebrew race." }CHILD ABUSE According to The U.S. Advisory Board on Child abuse, sexual abuse of children increased 233% in the decade ending in 1986. 340,000 cases were reported for 1989. Studies show that one in five girls and one in eleven boys are molested by the time they are 16 years old. }Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. }Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones }Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. Ogden Nash }Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. }Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost ripping up your nose Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire And folks dressed up like buffaloes Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow Helps to make the season right Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out Will find it hard to see tonight They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh And every mother's child is sure to spy To see if reindeer really scream when they die And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety two Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! }Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. }Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. }Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. }Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. }Chivalry, Schmivalry! Roger the thief has a method he uses for sneaky attacks: Folks who are reading are Characteristically Always Forgetting to Guard their own bac ... }CHRIST! WHAT A SENSATION! That's what they're saying about the new stand-up roller coaster at Great America. 91 feet tall, one-third of a mile long. Cost $5.5 million to build. Oh! The ride lasts 90 seconds and costs $21. }Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. }Christmas is the time for giving... ...the cold you caught playing in the snow }Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. }Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. }Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. }Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. }Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Civility costs nothing, and buys everything. Mary Wortley Montagu }Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor. - Toynbee - }Civilization Law #1: Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them. }Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. -- Ambrose Bierce }Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. G's Third Law: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. H's Dictum: There is no magic ... }Classical quotation is the parole of literary men all over the world. Samuel Johnson }Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller }CLOBBERED WITH A SALAMI? NOPE! TRY KANGAROO TAILS In Alice Springs, Australia, three officers were attacked by 15 aborigines carrying frozen kangaroo tails purchased at a local store. The tails won't be introduced as evidence as they were eaten. They are a dietary staple for the natives. }CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett }Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of movement. Egon Friedell }Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain }Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain }Co-existence - what the farmer does with the turkey until Thanksgiving. Mike Connolly }Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. - Talullah Bankhead }Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." -- Blair Houghton }Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am. Rene Descartes }Coincidence, n.: You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was going on. }Coincidences are spiritual puns. -- G. K. Chesterton }Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. }Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. }Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. }Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. }Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. }Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. }College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. H. L. Mencken }College isn't the place to go for ideas. HELLEN KELLER }College isnt the place to go for ideas. HELLEN KELLER }Colloquium announcement: Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't so hot either. }Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. }Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. }Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. }Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. } COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker }Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass. There is no such thing as concealment. R.W. Emerson }Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. }Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. }Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. }Committee, n.: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen }Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. }Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James }Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom. Samuel Taylor Coleridge }Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. -- Josh Billings }Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein }Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein }Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." -- David Guaspari }Computer actors will never be great; they only get bit parts! }Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. }Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso }Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. }Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost. }Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauld }Conceit causes more conversation than wit. LaRouchefoucauld }Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. }Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. }Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. Peter de Vries }Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. }"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson - }Connector Conspiracy, n: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices. }Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken }Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking -- H. L. Mencken }Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone might be looking. H.L. Mencken }Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't. }"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] }Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. }"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic." LEWIS CARROLL }"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" }"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." }Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. }Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. }Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. }Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. }Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. }COOL CAR Mazda Motor Corp. said it has joined a Japanese electric company in developing rooftop solar cells to generate electricity to ventilate a car or recharge its battery when parked. No more burning your butt while sitting, or hands on hot steering wheels. }Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. }Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism. -- Walter Lippmann }Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan }Corruption is not the No.1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan }"Count me in every time. I bear messages which will make both your ears tingle." --- Bram Stoker, from _Dracula_ }Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs. }Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. }Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. Dan Rather }Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. Harry Emerson Fosdick }Courage is grace under pressure. Ernest Hemingway }Courage is resistance of fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear -- Mark Twain }Court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice. -- Arthur Train }Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. }Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.-- Wernher von Braun }CRAYOLAS KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES High-Tech hues and metallic sheen are amongst the crayons you can buy today. These are special effect crayons according to the Crayola company. Just the right colors for rockets, satellites, and space stations, things kids are drawing now-days. As with the cost of high technology, these crayons will cost about 40% more. }Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength. Charles Lamb }Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman }Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. A. E. Newman }Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? } Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much. Alan Paton "Cry the Beloved Country" }Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority. Robert Altman }CURRENT LIST OF RECALLED CARS (Ho hum!) 24,000 '91 Ford Explorers Fuel tank problems. 6,424 Mazda Navajos Trailer hitch reinforcement 13,400 Lincoln Town Cars Fuel lines 8,000 Probe GL Safety belt. }cursor address, n: "Hello, cursor!" -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" }"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." -- Johnny Hart }Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. }Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Ambrose Bierce }Cynicism -- the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. Russell Lynes }D'ya know how stupid the average man is? Well, by definition, half of them are stupider than that. -- Bob }Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains. }Dare to be naive. -- R. Buckminster Fuller }DARK DANTE (KEVIN POULSEN) CAUGHT Kevin Poulsen a.k.a. Dark Dante, wanted so badly by the F.B.I. that his story was recently shown on 'Unexplained Mysteries' was apprehended in Los Angeles. Poulson, 25, a hero to hackers, among other charges, broke into Army's MASNET, the Soviet Consulate, Pac Bell, Univ. of So. Cal. plus 18 other counts of telecommunications fraud. Dropped out of sight for almost a year, was caught last Thursday at a supermarket. }Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." }Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }DAYS WHEN THINGS GO WRONG This thief in New York city, after robbing a grocery store of $200, tried to jump a fence in his getaway. Pants got caught leaving him stuck, hanging face down, and bare ass naked. The fence partitioned the police station. 20 cops with drawn guns made the arrest. }DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears }Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. }Dear Lord, observe this bended knee This visage meek and humble, And hear this confidential plea Voiced in reverent mumble: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! -- Ansel Adams }Dear Lord: I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again. }Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. }Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ... }"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot politically. But the designations may be good business for war veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" }Death is all in the mind. Once you're dead you forget all about it. Jack Storey }Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down Death to all fanatics! }Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis }Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. R. Geis }Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Graffiti }"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still......Heal guilt. Regrets bring space between us." }Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. }Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. }Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. } Deck Us All With Boston Charlie Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Walt Kelly }"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -- Randy Davis }default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" }Defining and analyzing humour is a pastime of humorless people. Robert Benchley } DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged. }Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland. }Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -- George Bernard Shaw }Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. Senator Soaper }Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. G.B. Shaw }Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. }Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. Laurence J Peter }Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. H. L. Mencken }Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. -- Jawaharlal Nehru }Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. E. B. White }Democracy, n.: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn. }Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. }Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should have in mind. }Despising machines to a man, The Luddites joined up with the Klan, And ride out by night In a sheeting of white To lynch all the robots they can. -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson }Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. -- The Anarchist Cookbook } DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss -- and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon }DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. }DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. }Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things? }Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? }Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel." -- ihuxw!tommyo }Did you say your uncle kicked the bucket? No, he just turned a little pail. }Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard }Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. Elbert Hubbard }"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." John Barrymore's dying words }Dignity is like a top hat. Neither is very much use when you are standing on it. Chistopher Hollis }Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. }Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power. Henry Kissinger }Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. }Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a stick! }Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) }Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too." -- Dave Haynie }Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. - Albert Szent-Gyorgi - }Distance lends enhancement to the view. Thomas Campbell }Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors. }Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle. }Distrust and caution are the parents of security. --- Franklin }Do as I say, not as I do! - John Selden 1584 - 1654 }Do be a Do bee. Don't be a Don't bee. -- Miss Frances, Romper Room }Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal. }DO JOCKS NEED JOCKSTRAPS? Not according to urologist Herbert Sohn, past president of the American Society of Urologists. He suggests just using briefs. Think it has been proven that keeping testicles too high or tightly contained can cause temporary impotence or temporary sterility. }Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. George Bernard Shaw }Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. }Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. }"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup." }Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal. Dwight D. Eisenhower }Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) }Do not show your wounded finger, for everything will knock up against it. Baltasar Gracian }Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive. }Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. Donald Kaul }Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. }Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. Theodore Roosevelt }DO YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE GENERAL CUSTER? Seems the general did. When Custer rode into battle at Little Big Horn his life was insured for $5000 from New York Life Insurance Company. }Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? }"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illegal before." "I thought you said you were an accountant!" }Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. Dick Brandon }Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. }Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. }Dog owners know the beast things in life are flea. -- from 4 Sept. "Today's Chuckle" of The Miami Herald }Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. David Lloyd George }Don't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir }Don't be humble, you're not that great. Golda Meir }Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment }"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" }"Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!" ---Firesign Theatre }"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" ********** "And that's the name of that tune" ********** From '70s tv series "Baretta", starring Robert Blake }Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer }Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection. }Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain }Don't insult the alligator until after you have crossed the river. }Don't keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let it come as a surprise. }Don't knock masturbation - its sex with someone I love. Woody Allen }Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. }Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. BO DIDDLEY }Don't order a drink for the road, because the road is already laid out. Flip Wilson }Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. H.L. Mencken }Don't panic! "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. }Don't put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today. Josh Billings }"Don't say yes until I finish talking." -- Darryl F. Zanuck }"Don't say yes until I finish talking." Darryl F. Zanuck }Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose Bierce }Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! -- "Brazil" }Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. -- Walt Kelly }Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. }"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!" }Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac }"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." -- Howard Aiken }Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz }Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. }Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible. -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" }Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail cant cash. BO DIDDLEY }Dont lose Your head To gain a minute You need your head Your brains are in it. BURMA SHAVE } Double Bucky (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") Double bucky, you're the one! You make my keyboard lots of fun Double bucky, an additional bit or two: (Vo-vo-de-o!) Control and Meta side by side, Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! Double bucky, left and right OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. }Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy. }Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. }Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. }Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! }Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. }Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. }Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. }Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. }Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... Carl Zwanzig }Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. }Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. }Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued. } During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." }During the ex-president Reagan's routine medical check-up, physicians at the Mayo clinic were surprised to find brain in his fluids. A weekend surgery is scheduled to remove it. }During the next two hours, the network will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po~y oodsou>No.w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o }During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o }Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. W. Somerset Maughm }Dying is a wild night and a new road. Emily Dickinsom }Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) }"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner }"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." Jeff Berner }Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein }Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. Steve Rubenstein }Eat Shit! 10 Billion flies can't be wrong. }Economics is called the dismal science, but that's just because most economists are dismal scientists. }Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith }Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. John Kenneth Galbraith }Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. -- Robert Orben }Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. -- Edgar R. Fiedler }Economy: Cutting down other people's wages. J.B. Morton }Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. -- Fred Allen }Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. Laurence J Peter }Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. William Butler Yeats }Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irsin Edman }Education with inert ideas is not only useless; it is above all things harmful. Alfred North Whitehead }Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. BULLWINKLE MOOSE }Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! -- Bullwinkle Moose }Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson }Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs... }Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks }Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better? }Ehrman's Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? }Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star }Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. Ronald Reagan, famous movie star }Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. C. Degen }Either death is a state of nothingness and utter unconciousness, or, as many say, there is a change and migration of the soul from this world to another...Now if death be of such a nature, I say that to die is to gain; for eternity is then only a single night." Socrates }Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? }Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. }Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. }Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves your brother! (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. }Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. }Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. }Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary }Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary }Engineers never die - They just lose their tolerance. } Enlighten people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day. Thomas Jefferson }Enough research will tend to support your theory Murphy's Law of Research }Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. Jerome Lettvin }Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. }Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-mumsige Burggoven Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" }Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen }Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen }Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen }Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen }Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." Mike Kellen }"Evelyn, a dog, having undergone further modification pondered the significance of short-person behavior in pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance and other highly ambient domains.... Arf she said" Frank Zappa from the song "Evelyn, A Modified Dog" }EVEN A MUGGER CAN HAVE A BAD DAY This one did. Mugged a Mrs. Hollis Sharpe of Los Angeles as she walked her poodle. Made off with her handbag that carried nothing but a bag of shit she'd just cleaned up after her dog. }Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? Clarence Darrow }"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers }"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }Even though one keeps his nose to the grindstone, it does not mean that he is good for anything besides cutting bread with his nose. }Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. }Eventually, I hope I'll learn to face death - if I live long enough. }Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are. }Ever notice that the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions?; and that if something is confidential, it will be left in the copy machine? }"Everett's economy is like a toilet seat. It goes up and down. We're either fat or we're lean." ---a former Mayor of Everett, as quoted a few years ago in the Seattle Times. }Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. }Every calling is great when greatly pursued. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. }Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. }Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. }"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits." -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet }Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 }Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist. }Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore Colby }Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one loop.......... And at least one bug! }Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada }Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts. Bernard Baruch }Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes }Every man who possesses power is impelled to abuse it. Baron de La Brede et de Montesquieu }"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" -- Robert Orben }Every nation sincerely desires peace; and all nations pursue courses which if persisted in, must make peace impossible. Sir Norman Angell }Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it. }Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic concerning it. George Bernard Shaw }Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. }Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. }Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. }Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. }Every society honours its live conformists and its dead troublemakers. Mignon Mclaughlin }Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. }Every time I lose weight, It finds me again! }Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett }Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. Beckett }Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra }Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Dykstra }Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. }Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it. }Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }Everyone must row with the oars he has. English proverb }Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. }Everything comes to him who waits, among other things, death. Francis Bradley }Everything in the world may be endured except continual prosperity. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe }Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. }Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar Bergman }Everything that can be invented has been invented. Director of the US Patent Office 1899 }Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. R. Buckminster Fuller }Examine what is said, not who speaks. Arabian Proverb }Excellence is willing to be wrong Perfection is being right Excellence is risk Perfection is fear Excellence is powerfull Perfection is anger and frustration Excellence is spontaneous Perfection is control Excellence is accepting Perfection is judgement Excellence is giving Perfection is taking Excellence is confidence Perfection is doubt Excellence is flowing Perfection is pressure Excellence is journey Perfection is destination }Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham }Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not answering leters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours in time. - Groucho Marx }Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. -- John G. Pollard }Exigencies create the necessary ability to meet and conquer them. Wendell Phillips }Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope. Arnold Glasow }Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. }Experience - a comb life gives you after you loose your hair. Judith Stern }Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. F P Jones }Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. Minna Antrim }Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier }Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it. }Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones }Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. }Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. }Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. }Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. }Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. }F: When into a room I plunge, I Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. Then I linger, darkly brooding On the poison they're exuding. -- The Roguelet's ABC }Faced with having to change our views or prove that there is no need to do so, most of us get busy on the proof. }Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. }Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. }Faith is a fine invention, For gentlemen who see; But microscopes are prudent In an emergency. ----- Emily Dickinson }Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone ELSE does the thinking. R. Buckminster Fuller }Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. }Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. }Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. }Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. }Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o }Famous last words: (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- (4) We won't need reservations. (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. }Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." (2) "You and what army?" (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." }Famous last words: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 2) "You and what army?" 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." }Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. }Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce }Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. - Goya - }Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea... Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde }Fast Lane magazine asked 400 men between 18 and 34 what person they would like to be: 1. Oliver North 2. President Reagan 3. Clint Eastwood 4. Lee Iacocca Jesus Christ 5. Jon Bon Jovi 6. John D. Rockefeller }FEAR OF BRIDGES? About 10% of the people have phobias of crossing bridges, say the Phobia Center of Marin. They are starting a workshop called "Bridging Your Fears." Anxiety management and other problems will be discussed. }February 21, 1989 Dear Sirs: Please cancel my subscription to PC World. I work in the microcomputer industry, and I thought that your magazine might offer me something in addition to PC Magazine, PC Tech Journal, and the other computer magazines to which I subscribe. After looking over the first issue, I have decided that there is nothing in your magazine that I don't already get from other sources. But the thing that really cinched my decision was the free "PC Tool Kit" which came with my subscription. What a complete piece of junk! When I first opened my "Tool Kit" I found that none of the tools would even fit into the handle, due to the fact that the flanges on the socket were so badly bent that nothing would fit into the socket until I spent half an hour with a pair of pliers straightening out the flanges. (my own pliers, not included with your kit.) The ratcheting mechanism on the handle dosen't work - I can't get it to stay locked in any position - so any of the tools that I place in it simply spin around uselessly. The machining on the Phillip's head screwdrivers is shoddy, to say the least, and the two flat blade screwdrivers are the same size. I assume that two flat blades were included so that when I first used one and it broke, I'd have a spare backup, which would also break. On a positive note: the zipper which closes the case works just fine, which is a good thing, since that's the position in which it will remain. Sincerely, Jeff Hunter Software Engineer }Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. }Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made a reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. }Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them. Robert G. Ingersoll }Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. }Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. }Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. }Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling thatthere is nothing important to do. }Fifty flippant frogs Walked by on flippered feet And with their slime they made the time Unnaturally fleet. } FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker }Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina. }Figures won't lie, but liars will figure. Charles H. Grosvenor }Fill the seats of Justice with good men, but not so absolute in goodness as to forget what human frailty is. }Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. }Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake }Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. }Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. }Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. }FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. }Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. }Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always besomeone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. }Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. }Finagle's third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. }Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 }Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt. }Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: P.O. Box 35 Baffled Greek, Michigan }FIRE IS LIFE AND COMFORT But woodburning stoves are causing too much pollution. About 1,000,000 tons of wood are burned in more than 700,000 Bay Area stoves and fireplaces each year. And, according to officials, the burning of wood produces airborne carcinogens and other heavy pollutions. Please! If you must, curtail woodburning stoves, but let me still enjoy the warmth and tranquility of an open fireplace. }First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: Machines that piss people off get murdered. -- Pat Taber }First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. }First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. }First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). }First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). }First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. }First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. }First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. }First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. }"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" }First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. Leo Rosenberg }Fitzgerald: The rich are different from us. Hemingway: Yes, they have more money. F.Scott Fitzgerald }Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth }Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. }Flappity, floppity, flip, The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. }FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... }Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. }Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. }Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful --- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" }flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" }Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. }Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. }Flying saucers on occasion Show themselves to human eyes. Aliens fume, put off invasion While they brand these tales as lies. }Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". }Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". }Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" }Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me! }For a man to achieve all that is demanded of him he must regard himself as greater than he is. Johann von Goethe }For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him really to understand them is bad morals. Henry James }For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. }For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. }For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. H. L. Mencken }For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton }For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. R. Clopton } "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!" }For life and death are one even as the river and sea are one. For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun. And what is it to cease breathing, but to free breath from it's restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truely dance. }For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed. Clifton Fadiman }For no spoken word was ever so bitterly regretted as the one that was never spoken.. }For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. }For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you've got. (2) Be sure you've got plenty. }For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. }"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?" Jehan Shuman }For the female of the species is more deadly than the male. Rudyard Kipling }For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof offered by Caspar Weinberger: "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 }For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline. }For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln }For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. Max Beerbohm }"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson }For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. -- Justin Richardson. }Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries for the benefit of rich people in poor countries. Bernard Rosenberg }Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. }Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. }Former Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Doc Ellis said he pitched his 1971 no- hitter while under the influence of LSD. }FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. }fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. "Hey you, get off my plate" -- Roger Midnight }Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" }Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? }Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses. }Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. }Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. }FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about. }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ... }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears. }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair. }Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? A: No. }Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 }Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age. Victor Hugo }Found on a door in the MSU music building: This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) }Four Soviet soldiers who got lost on maneuvers in Czechoslovakia traded their tank to a tavern owner for two cases of vodka and were found two days later, sleeping in a forest. }Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. }Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. }Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. }Fourth Law of Thermodymanics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero. DAVID ELLIS }Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- David Ellis }Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. }Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better. -Albert Camus }Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. A.J. Liebling }Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. }Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. }Friend: One who knows all about you and loves you just the same. - Elbert Hubbard }Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. }Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. Samuel Butler }Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck. }Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck. }Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. }Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. }Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology Association, in Rome]: }From a fallen tree, all make kindling. Spanish proverb }From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Karl Marx }From hell!bigguy Fri Nov 11 17:06:58 1988 Received: by polyslo (5.51/smail2.5/07-22-88) id AA21304; Fri, 11 Nov 88 17:06:49 PST Received: by hell.calpoly.EDU (5.51/smail2.5/07-22-88) id AA07461; No Time like the Present... Date: Timelesness Sender: cthluhusys From: Satan (The UnNamable One) Message-Id: <42@Hell> Subject: Reservations Apparently-To: you Status: RO Our records down here show you to arrive some time next week. Reservations have been made in advance in your behalf. Please inform the receptionist upon arrival. We look forward to your stay. }From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." }From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" }From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading sound is normal for this type of connector. }From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. -- Swinburne }Frouds Law: A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. }Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel. }Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. }Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. }Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility: 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T R BUCKMINSTER FULLER }Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams }Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams }G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy." }Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Wilson Mizner }"Garbage in, gospel out." - Anon - }Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! Adventures of Asterix. }Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" } "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater } "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater }GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. }GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. }GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. }Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. }Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration. Thomas A. Edison }Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard }Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. Elbert Hubbard }Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the answers. Robert Graves }Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". }Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". }George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 }George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. -- Ashley Cooper }Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. (3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. } Get GUMMed --- ------ The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 } Get GUMMed ---------- The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 }Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! }Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. Zsa Zsa Gabor } Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see-through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! }Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. }Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.... Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. }Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. ABRAHAM KAPLAN }Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo. }Give him a fish, he eats today teach him to fish, he eats for the rest of his life. }Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. }Give me all the other advice you like, but don't tell me how to: bring up my children; train my dog; fish for trout; scramble eggs; cast my vote; watch a football game; buy meat; eat lobster; appreciate good music; improve my disposition; relax; or prepare myself for heaven. }"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." -- Napolean }Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. }"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." -- Eric Clapton }Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. }Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on gettingsome useful work done. }Gnagloot, n.: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" }GO TO HELL! Accordinmg to the info from Steve Rubenstein, polesters, after a recent survey, found that 78 percent believe in Hell but only 4% think THEY are going there. "Hell is for the other guy." } "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" }God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. }God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. }God did not create the world in seven days. He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter. }God doesn't play dice. -- Albert Einstein }"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher }"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire - }GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT }God is Dead -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead -- God Nietzsche is God -- The Dead }GOD IS DEAD - Nietzsche NIETZSCHE IS DEAD - God }God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. Dr J D McCoughey }God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project. Graffiti }God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent - - it says so right here on the label. }God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. Pablo Picasso }God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry }God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board -- Mark Twain }God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. Mark Twain }God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker }God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein }God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. Albert Einstein }God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearings on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And now we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2. (chorus) }"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." - William Bragg - }God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,Thursday, and Saturday. - William Bragg - }God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No, it's too hot there." "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it." }God wants to go on a vacation so he asks St.Peter where he should go. St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Jupiter?" "No, No, too much gravity there, too much stomping around." "Why don't you go to Mercury?" "No, No, way too hot." "Why don't you go to Earth?" "No! No! They have too much gossip! I had an affair with a Jewish lady over 2000 years ago and they are *still* talking about it." }Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. }Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. }Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. }Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld }Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. La Rouchefoucauld }Good friends and fish stink after 3 days. - Ben Franklin Especially if you don't refrigerate them. - Terry Mahoney }Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. }"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." -- George Saunders' dying words }Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. George Saunders' dying words }Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well. }"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell." -- Dr. Who }Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell." -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" }Got Mole problems? 23 Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10 }Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 }Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray Simard }Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. Ray Simard }Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies. }Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. -- Will Rogers }Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, "Couples" }Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. }Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. }Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity. William Hazlitt }Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. }Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. }Gray's Law of Programming: `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks. } GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. }"Great Wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide." - Dryden (Absalom and Achitophel) }Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. }Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. }Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. }Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. }Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. }Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation). Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on." }"Grub first, then ethics." -- Bertolt Brecht }"Grub first, then ethics." Bertolt Brecht }Gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" }Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary }Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary }H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. -- Maxwell Bodenheim }H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. }H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. }H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, Slice him up before he slays you. Nothing makes you look a slob Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). -- The Roguelet's ABC }Habit is the nursery of errors. Victor Hugo }Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. }Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. }Haggis, n.: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... }Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! }Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" }Half the work that is done in the world is to make things appear what they are not. E. R. Beadle }Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). }Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Handle all business ventures with discretion so you do not end up a loser. }HANG ON TO THOSE BASEBALL CARDS The one depicting Honus Wagner (Pittsburgh Pirates about 1910) brought $451,000 at a recent Sotheby"s auction. It was sold to Wayne Gretzky and Bruce McNail, Los Angeles Kings hockey team. It is the highest price ever paid for sporting memorabilia. }Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns... He should be drawn and quoted! }Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. }Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. }Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. }Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. }Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash }Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. Ogden Nash }Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant }Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. Oscar Levant }Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. }Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. -- Tom Robbins }Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. }Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. }Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. -- Tobias Smollet }Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens From "The Thirteen Clocks" }Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. -- Tom Lehrer }Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. }Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. }Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. }Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. }Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. }Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. }Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. }Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. }Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. }Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. }"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes, I don't have one." "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 }Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. } Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. }Hate is active, and envy passive dislike; there is but one step from envy to hate. --- Goethe }Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. } Have no doubt it is fear in the land. For what can men do when so many have grown lawless? Who can enjoy the lovely land, who can enjoy seventy years, and the sun that pours down on the earth, when there is fear in the heart? Who can walk quietly in the shadow of the jacarandas, when their beauty is grown to danger? Who can lie peacefully abed, while the darkness holds some secret? What lovers can lie sweetly under the stars, when menace grows with the measure of their seclusion? There are voices crying what must be done, a hundred, a thousand voices. But what do they help if one seeks for counsel, for one cries this, and another cries that, and another cries something that is neither this or that. --Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" }Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to blunt the warning signs. }Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? }HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE NAME "CHAKA" Too many people have. It can be seen from Los Angeles to San Francisco, painted by the most notorious graffiti artist ever. Daniel Ramos, 18, has been arrested for his vandalism and pleaded no contest to the charges. "It's the worst case of graffiti vandalism we have ever heard of anywhere in the nation," says James Hahn, city attorney. }"Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long." }Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? }Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? -- Dr. Who }Having a daughter is like riding a young horse over an unknown steeplechase course. You don't know when to pull up the reins, when to let the horse have the head ... or what. Princess Grace of Monaco }Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. -- R. E. Masters }Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate. Margaret Mead. American anthropologist }He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met. }"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion." -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" }He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly delightful. -- Sydney Smith }He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" }He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde }He hadn't a single redeeming vice. Oscar Wilde }He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help. Abraham Lincoln }He has half the deed done who has made a beginning. Horace }He hasn't one redeeming vice. OSCAR WILDE }"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." -- Mark Twain }He is now rising from affluence to poverty. Mark Twain }HE JUST WANTED A BANK LOAN In Washington, D.C., A robed man carrying a shepard's staff entered a bank and asked for a loan for religious purposes. The branch manager wasn't impressed. Called the cops. Police could find no charges to arrest this person who called himself King A.A. Zodiac XV. }He knows not his own strength that hath not met adversity. Ben Jonson }He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. -- John Mason Brown, drama critic }He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. John Mason Brown, drama critic }He talked with more claret than clarity. Susan Ertz }He that leaveth nothing to Chance will do few things ill, but he will do very few things. George, Lord Halifax }He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose the command of his actions. }He that would the daughter win, Must with the mother first begin. English Proverb }He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathon Swift }He travels the fastest who travels alone. Rudyard Kipling }He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathon Swift }"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable." }"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes ..." }"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..." }HE WAS THERE THE LAST TIME I LOOKED... In Abilene Kansas, a jail supervisor didn't notice that two of his prisoners were missing. In fact, he didn't notice it until eight days after their escape. Naturally, Bob Meadows, the jailer is now seeking employment in another line of work. }He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS }He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence. William Blake }He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. F. Nietzsche }He who holds back anger like a rolling chariot, him I call a real driver; other people are but holding the reins. -The dhDhammapada }He who injured you was either stronger or weaker. If he was weaker, spare him; if he was stronger, spare yourself. -- Seneca }He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. }He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. J.S. Mill }He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. M C ESCHER }He who would leap high must take a long run. Proverb }"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! }He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. }"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." }HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley }Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. }Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -- Redd Foxx }Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. }Heard several years ago on a religious television station in Atlanta, Georgia: "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Praise the Lord and stay tuned." }Heard this morning, September 5, on KDMG, Des Moines: This morning's trivia question was "Does a deer have a gall bladder?" A hunter calls in and answers "No, a deer doesn't." After the usual chit-chat, the announcer trys to get a cheap plug out of the guy "What radio station are you listening to this morning!" "Uh," the hunter pauses, "This one?" And this genius is walking around with a gun? }Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. }Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. }Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman }Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. Milton Friedman }Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. }Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. }"Hello," he lied. -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent }HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS }"Henceforth Prussia goes forward as part of Germany." -Frederich Wilheim IV, 1795 - 1861 __Proclamation:_To_My_People,_to_the_ German_Nation__, [March 21, 1848] }Her life was saved by rock and roll. LOU REED }Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. }"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." }Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. PETER DRUCKER }Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be when I grow up. PETER DRUCKER }Here I sit, broken-hearted, All logged in, but work unstarted. First net.this and net.that, And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. The boss comes by, and I play the game, Then I turn back to net.flame. Is there a cure (I need your views), For someone trapped in net.news? I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. }Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker } Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle }"Here lies Lester Moore 4 shots from a 44 No Les, no More." }Here lies my wife: Here let her lie! Now she's at rest, and so am I. - Dryden, An Epitaph } Here's a true story related to me by my mother, which she says happened to one of her neighbors in a Venezuelan oil camp in the 50's: It seems that a certain woman kept the ashes of her dearly departed father in a silver box on a table. One day, after not having looked at her "father" for a long time, she opened the box and was horrified to discover it was nearly empty! Furious, she accosted the maid and demanded to know "have you touched this box?" Whereupon the maid protested "I didn't think you'd mind! After all, it's very poor quality snuff." }HERE'S ANOTHER "HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET?" Thomas Peedin, 18 stole a car with a cellular phone. The cops get the bright idea to call him. He answers. Cop: "I hear you got a car you want to get rid of. I want to look it over. Meet me in the parking lot at Sunset and High in 5 minutes." The rendezvous was made and Peedin was arrested. }"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" -- Jay Leno }"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: * Governmental offices * Post offices * Libraries * Schools * Banks * Parts of Palm Beach and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" }Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. }HEY GIRLS! I'M GOING TO DANCE FOR YOU....COMPLETELY NUDE. Eastern Onion Entertainment Services provides singing telegrams and other goofey stunts to those who want to surprise someone. This male appears in women's clothing stores and says he's from Eastern Onion then proceeds to strip to the buff and dance before the female audience (even if they protest). Has happened in San Jose, Los Altos, Pleasanton and Mountain View. Eastern Onion doesn't know who in the hell the guy is. }"Hey Mike?" "Yeah, Gabe?" "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." "I thought you fixed that last century!" "No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." "Blessit! Lemme check..." <tappity clickity tappity> "Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal." <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> "There, that ought to patch it." }"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields }"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" W. C. Fields }Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. }"Hi! Do you know me? Well, many people do. But they don't always realize how smart I really am. That's why I carry the Mensa Impress Card (tm). When I was Governer of New Hampshire, battling wits with Michael Dukakis over nuclear power, everyone thought I was brilliant. But these days, when it comes to cutting taxes, increasing spending, and balancing the budget all at the same time, people sometimes question my intellect. They start confusing me with the Vice President. At those crucial moments, all I have to do is mention Mensa Impress (tm). It makes pushing a budget as easy as influence peddling!" - John Sununu The Mensa Impress Card (tm). Don't go to Washington without it. }Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; We buried him today because As far as we can tell, he's dead. -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele }Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just love Mom." }Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Hire the handicapped They're fun to watch. }"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California." }"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" -- Foghorn Leghorn }"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" -- Foghorn Leghorn }History is curious stuff You'd think by now we had enough Yet the fact remains I fear They make more of it every year. }History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth. }History, n.: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" }Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. }Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. }Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. }Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. }Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. }Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. }Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else -- you are the one who gets burned. }Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed }Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in. - Robert Frost }Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. -- Chris Shaw }Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never had lit one. MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS }Honesty is the best policy, although sometimes keeping your mouth shut is even better. }"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" }Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard }Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. F. M. Hubbard }Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. }Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. }Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields }Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields }Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist. }"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." -- Neil Armstrong }How can they say my life isn't a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten? Cindy Adams }How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? }How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all? FIRESIGN THEATER }How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? When his lips move. }How do I explain to clients that society believes buying a rock (of cocaine) is three or four times as bad as raping a woman? - Robert Jakovitch, Broward [FL] Assistant Public Defender }How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." }How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? Elliot, "E.T." }How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" }How doth the VAX's C compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags. }How doth the VAX's C-compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear all their clothes to rags. }"How good is he?" "He can beat most men with his breath." -- Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome }How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. }How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." } How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs }How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. }How monotonous the sounds of the forest would be if the music came only from the Top Ten birds. }How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey }How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey }How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else. R. Buckminster Fuller }How pleasant it is to have money. Arthur Hugh Clough }HOW TO RESTRAIN A ROBBERY VICTIM Usually, during holdups, robbers have victims lie on the floor, lock them in rooms or in the safe, if it is a bank. Here's a new twist. When Samuel's Rug Gallery in West Hollywood was held up, they rolled the guy up in a rug. }HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. }HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. }HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. }Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. }However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. Tom K. Ryan }HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal } Hug O' War I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein }Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. }Human needs must always be placed above property rights and institutions. }Humankind cannot bear very much reality. T.S. Eliot }"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert }"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." William Gilbert }"Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert }Humour is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it. Langston Hughes }Huntsville, Tex. (UPI) Chester Lee Wicker flew into a rage hours before his execution, then quietly went to his death by injection.... Officials said they were unsure what triggered the outburst. }Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh .............. }Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh .............. }Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended. Zsa Zsa Gabor }I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. -- Richard M. Nixon What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? -- Richard M. Nixon }I ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY, after the right time to say it has passed. }I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor }"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go by some more." -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM }I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields }I am ignorant and impotent and yet, somehow or other, here I am unhappy, no doubt, profoundly dissatisfied... In spite of everything I survive. Aldous Huxley }"I am in trouble.... I'm Security!" -- Kathy Mar }"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" -- Paul McCracken }"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" Paul McCracken }"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." -- Gloria Steinem }I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis Ritchie }I am not sincere, not even when I say I am not. Jules Renard }"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English Professor }"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." English Professor }I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill }"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." English Professor, Ohio University }I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy. }I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. }"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan }"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University of Tennessee at Knoxville }I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton }I believe in the sun, even when it isn't shining. I believe in love, even when no one is here. I believe in God, even when He is silent. inscribed on a wall in Auswich }"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." -- Will Rogers }"I bet the human brain is a kludge." -- Marvin Minsky }I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. -- Biff Barf }I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. -- Betty MacDonald }I can get more with a kind word and a gun than I can get with a kind word. }"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true." -- Harry Truman }"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." -- Joe Walsh }I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. Joe Walsh }"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." -- Florence Henderson }I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. }I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen }"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." -- Lillian Hellman }I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. Lillian Hellman }I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales (1936) } "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice. "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." }" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright }I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. -- Groucho Marx }I could prove God statistically. GEORGE GALLUP }"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." -- Peter Oakley }I count him braver who conquers his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over oneself -- Aristotle }I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up. }I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES! }I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always different. -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) }I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. -- Thomas Carlyle }"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov }I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Isaac Asimov }I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. Galileo Galilei }"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe }I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe }I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. James R. F. Quirk }I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!! }I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 }"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating" -- Boss Tweed }"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant }I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. }"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me." -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" }I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. -- Elvis Presley } "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" }"I don't let our football players do those crazy dances in the end zone. I want them to act like they've been there before." }I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. Clarence Darrow }"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." -- Ronald Mabbitt }I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it. Marilyn Monroe }I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -- Victor Hugo }I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. Plutarch }I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. }I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen }"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." }I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!" }I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. George Bernard Shaw }"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan }"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan }I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. }I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom. }"I figure, if you're going to build a time machine, why not build one with style?" - Back to the Future I }I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. Franklin P. Adams }I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. }I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. }"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." -- Gotama Buddha }I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *horrifying* 20 minutes of my life! }I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. }I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. -- Pete Seeger }I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu }I give you bitter pills in sugar coating. The pills are harmless: the poison is in the sugar. Stanislaw Lec }I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it. SAMUEL GOLDWYN }I had a real bad day today; I had to re-rivit my pizza cutter! - Steve Hart }I had most need of blessing, and "Amen" stuck in my throat. --- Shakespeare, "Macbeth" Act II Sc. II Line 33 } I had this experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" }"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" -- Mary Lou Bax }"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night." -- Steven Wright }"I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson }I hate quotations. Ralph Waldo Emerson }I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humour. Edward Albee }I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me And everything that baby does Daddy's sure to see, And everything that baby says, My daddy's sure to tell. You must have read my daddy's verse. I hope he fries in Hell. -- Ogden Nash }I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. -- A. R. Longworth }I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. A. R. Longworth }"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!" }I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts. John Locke }I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me. -- Camillo Di Cavour }I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. -- Edgar Allan Poe }"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." -- President Harry S Truman }I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren Knox }"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one." -- James Gordon Bennett }"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter." -- Blaise Pascal }I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! -- from "Cerebus" #82 }"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." -- Oscar Wilde }I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde }"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. -- Steven Wright }"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 }"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." -- Steven Wright }I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. -- Poul Anderson }I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. Chinese Proverb }I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. Confucius }I hear that the guards at Los Alamos National Laboratory have gone on strike. I would imagine that this means that the facility is sitting there unguarded. Of course, crossing the picket line is a real bitch... }"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." -- Bill Hoest }"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." Bill Hoest }"I know I left that mirror around here someplace..." -- Gen. Manuel Noriega }"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein }"I know that pain is the most important thing in the universes. Greater than survival, greater than love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. For without pain there can be no pleasure. Without sadness there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned. Because now I understand. It is a grey and lonely place in which we live, all of us, swinging between desperation and emptiness, and all that makes it worthwhile is caring, is beauty. But if there was no opposite for beauty, if there was no opposite for pleasure, it would all turn to dust, to waste." -- Harlan Ellison, "Paingod" }"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Richard Milhouse Nixon, Republican }"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." -- Charles Schulz }I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw }"I like a man who grins when he fights." - Winston Churchill - }"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." -- Art Leo }I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. Art Leo }I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower }I like work... I can sit and watch it for hours. }"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson }"I love to eat them Smurfies Smurfies what I love to eat Bite they ugly heads off, Nibble on they bluish feet." }I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. Roy Croft }"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light." -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk }"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant }"I MURDERED A WOMAN" Radio station KROQ in Los Angeles used to have this talk show called "Confessions". People would call in their confessions and, I guess, listeners could phone in comments. All went well until a male calls and confesses he has murdered a woman. The show was immediately discontinued, leaving many shocked listeners and national publicity. Police made an investigation. It was a hoax put on by the D.J.'s. Now, pissed off police are going to bill the radio station for their investigative time. }"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" }I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. }I never loved another person the way I loved myself. MAE WEST }I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. Albert Einstein }I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. Shaw }I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. George Benard Shaw }"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) }I prefer old age to the alternative. Maurice Chevalier }"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob." -- William F. Buckley }I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. William F. Buckley } "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" }I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it. It never does just what I want, But only what I tell it. }I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it. }I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. -- Will Rogers }I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day, but no change at all ivry fifty years. Finley Peter Dunne }I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" }"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." -- Graffito in Los Angeles }"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." -- Steven Wright }"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple }I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Tom Stoppard }I think I am better than the people who are trying to reform me. E.W. Howe }"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n >= 3 because I couldn't remember the proof." -- Baker, Pure Math 351a }I think our number 1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything, but don't quote me. } "I think sucess does not have a lot to do with the obvious. I don't think it has to do with being well known. I dno't think it has much of anything to do with money. I think it has to do with integrity. I think that a successful person is someone who is at peace with themselves, with God and that they are fun to be around. Sucess on a daily level is someone who lives life to its fullest." - Amy Grant }I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python }I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. OSCAR WILDE }I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. Ogden Nash }I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. }"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club }I thought everything was all settled. I thought we made and took our stand. Then why does everything become so muddled When we reach...and take each other's hand? }"I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." }I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen }I try all things; I achieve what I can. Herman Melville }I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. GRAFFITI }I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure. GRAFFITI }I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. }"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips }I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright }I used to worry about what life was for - now being alive seems sufficient reason. Joanna Field }I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. -- Brendan Behan }I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor? -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" }"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!!'" -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" }I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. -- Will Rogers }"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway." -- Steven Wright }I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. Mark Twain }I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH) }I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. -- Emile Henry Gauvreay }"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." -- Steven Wright }I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher. }"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific". -- Steven Wright }I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" }"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then. -- Steven Wright }"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included." -- Steven Wright }"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." -- Steven Wright }I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him! }I will not be indexed, filed, stamped, numbered, briefed, debriefed; I am not a number! I am a free man! - The Prisoner } "I will now most humbly take my leave of you." "Ha. You could never take from me anything that I would so gladly part withal... Except my life! Except my life, except my life..." William Shakespeare- (Hamlet, Prince of Denmark) }I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. Gallagher }I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. - Carl Sandburg (1878-1967) }I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" }I would rather suffer defeat than have cause to be ashamed of victory. Quintus Curtius }I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson }I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. GRAFFITI }"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'" }"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture." }"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant." }"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back." }"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned." }"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about." }I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. }I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. --- Frank Zappa <Famous American musician> }"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H }I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it! -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire }I'll grant thee random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. MILES DAVIS }"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] }I'll worry about it tomorrow. S. O'Hara }"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man." }I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back. Abraham Lincoln }I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. }I'm changing my name to Chrysler I'm going down to Washington, D.C. I'll tell some power broker What they did for Iacocca Will be perfectly acceptable to me! I'm changing my name to Chrysler, I'm heading for that great receiving line. When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine! }I'm doing this for your own good! - any establishment executioner... or parent }I'm exhausted. I had to keep insisting to my kids that I was Santa Claus, and to my wife that I wasn't. }"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in." -- George McGovern }I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. George McGovern }I'm glad that everyone's life behaves as though it were going on rather than dying. }I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. -- Fred Allen }I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson }"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate }I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate }i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. -- e. e. cummings }I'm looking for freedom - can you direct me? }I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. }"I'm not as old as I look - they switched babies at the hospital." - R.R. }I'm not getting paid much for staying alive but it's good experience. }I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. }I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. }I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey }"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again REAL soon ..." }"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." -- English Professor, Providence College }I'm sorry, sir, that line is busy till Monday. Would you hold please? }I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" }I'm very grateful for pro football. I'd hate to have those big guys on the street with nothing to do. }"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives" }I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", by Gilbert & Sullivan) }I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was this little hole in the bottom ... -- John Croll }I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx }"I've just scrolled through a ton of messages about who's done what to whom and how it felt." - Barbara Bowman, NH BBS caller, after her 2nd FidoNet session }I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on the same day. }I've learned to accept birth and death... but sometimes I still worry about what lies between. }"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head" - George Wallace - }"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" -- Senator Claghorn }I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. -- Shakespeare }IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss. }Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. }Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive. William Buckley. }Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. }Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming }If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy Santoro }"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." -- Paul White }If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a camel's behind. -- Edgar R. Fiedler } If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder without any such gift from the fairies, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in. --Rachel Carson }If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein }If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ALBERT EINSTEIN }If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheatham }If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. -- Joseph C. Goulden }If a lie is repeated often enough all the dumb jackasses in the world not only get to believe it, they even swear by it. B.B. Franklin }If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. }If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf. -- Donald A. Metz }"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" -- Sparky Anderson }If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. }If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith }If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. John Kenneth Galbraith }If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? }If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. }If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end I wouldn't be suprised! }If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty }If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. Paul Beatty }If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol }If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed. -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" }If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. }If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy. }If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? }If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. GERALD WEINBERG }If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock. Justice Arthur Goldberg }If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. }"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" }If "everybody knows" such-and-such, than it ain't so, by at least 10000 to 1. }If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" }If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. }If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! }If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can. }If God had been in favor of homosexuality, He never would have created Anita Bryant! }If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers. }If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. }If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. }If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. }If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin. }If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. }If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. }If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? }"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying }If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin Kitman }"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" }If I believe in solipsism, then aren't my loved ones a mere projection of my self? }If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn }If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker }If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. -- Eugene P. Gallagher }If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner }If I had any humility I would be perfect. Ted Turner }"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." -- Albert Einstein }"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." Albert Einstein }If I have been able to see farther than others, it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants. Sir Isaac Newton }If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian K. Reid }If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" }If I knew what I was so anxious about, I wouldn't be so anxious. Mignon McLaughlin }If I love something enough, I can set it free and it will return to me. If it doesn't, I'll hunt it down and kill it. }If I must go into eternity, I'd prefer to go by the scenic route. }If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. -- Bert Whitney }"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." - Bert Lantz - }If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. Dennis Roch }If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. George Ade }If it weren't for Thomas Edison, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. }If its good, they'll stop making it. Herbert Block }If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. Thomas Carlyle }If John F Kennedy was reading this sentence, Lee Harvey Oswald would have missed. }"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ..." -- Leith (Casey) Leedom }If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. KARL MARX'S MOTHER }If life must not be taken too seriously-- then so neither must death. Samuel Butler }If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins }If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. }If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. }"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) }If one offers money to a government to influence it, that is corruption. But if someone receives money for services rendered afterward, that is a commision. - Adnan Khashoggi, Saudi arms dealer }If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. -- A. Einstein. }If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. }If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. }If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable. }If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think! }If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. }If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. }If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. Mel Brooks }If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. Vannevar Bush }If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. }If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I }If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. Pope John Paul I }If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine. }"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 }If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. STANLEY GARN }If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer }If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer }If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson }If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it. Fred Allen }"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) }"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) }If the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions. Arthur H. Motley }If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. }If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. Reverend Chichester }If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. }If there is anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public. Kin Hubbard }If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe }If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? Art Hoppe } "If these shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended- That you have only slumbered here While these visions did appear." - Puck in William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream }If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. -- Muhammad Ali }If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday? }If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. Lyndon Baines Johnson }If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter }If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering to disarm all hostility. --- Longfellow }If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. Abigail Van Buren }If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. }If we don't know life, how can we know death? Confucius }If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitiable. JOHN F KENNEDY }If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. -- Marguerite Emmons }If writers were bakers, this sentence would be exactly a dozen words long. Douglas R Hofstadter }If you act like a dumbshit, they'll treat you as an equal. - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs }If you always do what you've always done, you'll always be where you've always been...Take a risk! }If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for once. }If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-Duff }If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? } If you believe in light, it is because of obscurity, if you believe in happiness, it is because of unhappiness, if you believe in God, then you must believe in the Devil. Father X, exorcist, Cathedral of Notre Dame, Paris. }If you can actually count your money then you are not really a rich man. Paul Getty }If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come. -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle. -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... }"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you have no conception of the magnitude of the problem. }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you must be the headsman. }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you must be at least a foot shorter than them. }If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you'll be the tallest person in the room. }If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. }If you can look back on your life with contentment, you have one of our most precious gifts -- selective memory. }If you can look in the mirror without laughing, you have no sense of humor. }If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. }If you can't dazzle 'em with dexterity, baffle 'em with bullsh*t! - Prof H. Hill }If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. }If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman }If you cannot convince them, confuse them. Harry S Truman }If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }If you do not wish a thing heard, do not say it. Klingon }If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence Day }If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. -- Freeman Dyson }"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet." -- Jay Leno }If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. }"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to have to get a toehold in the public eye." }If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. }If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin }"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" Winston Churchill }If you have anything to tell me of importance, for God's sake begin at the end. }If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior. -- A. J. Liebling }If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of being a prophet. }If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer }If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. Graham Summer }If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns }If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability. }If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. }If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow }If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.-- Maslow }If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. James Goldsmith }If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. } If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain }If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. }If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. }If you see an onion ring -answer it! }If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker. }If you smile when everything goes wrong, you're either a nitwit or a repairman. }If you steal something small you are a petty thief, but if you steal millions you are a gentleman of society. Greek Proverb }If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. }If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard }If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. Derek Bok, president of Harvard }If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! }If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson }If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. -- Core Dumped Blues }If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -- Arthur Kasspe }If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? Richard Nixon }If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" }If you understand everything, you must be misinformed. Japanese Proverb }"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." -- A. L. }If you want a thing well done, do it yourself. Charles Haddon Spurgeon }If you want divine justice, die. -- Nick Seldon }If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -- Dorthy Parker }If you want to look young and thin, hand around old fat people. - Jim Eason }If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National". -- George Will }If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. }"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means." -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" }If you wants to get elected president, you've got to think up some memorable homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means. Walt Kelly }If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing. Napoleon }If you work hard and keep both feet on the ground, you'll eventually reach the point where you can keep both feet on the desk. }If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman }If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. }If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli }If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. Benjamin Disraeli }If you're starting to become predictable, then you're starting to become dull. }"If you're strong enough, there are no precedents." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald American Author (1896-1940) }"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?" }If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan }If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. Ronald Reagan }If youve seen one city slum, you've seen them all. SPIRO AGNEW }If youve seen one redwood, youve seen them all. RONALD REAGAN }Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Ihr Racker, wolt ihr ewig leben? Rascals, would you live forever? -- Frederick the Great - at Kolin, 18th of June, 1757. }Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, Enmmes sont les gougebosquex, Et le momerade horgrave. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" }Iles's Law: There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. Neither will Iles. }Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. }Imagination is something that sits up with Dad and Mom the first time their teenager stays out late. }Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier }Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Jules de Gaultier }"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal }Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?" }Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paar }Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff }Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff }Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. }Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. }Impossible, adj.: (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" }Impropriety is the soul of wit. Somerset Maugham }In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs. }In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. }In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get parts. }In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. }In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred syrup. }In 1940, every car on the highway in California contained an average of three persons. In 1950, the average was down to two. In 1960, the average was one person. Based on a projection of these statistics, by 1990 every third car on the highway will have nobody in it. }In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. } In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. }In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. -- Frank Mankiewicz }In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." -- Mark Twain }In adversity a man is saved by hope. Menander }In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. }In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. Adlai Stevenson }In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency -- The Peter Principle }In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency The Peter Principle }In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables. }"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." -- Stuart Keate }In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. }In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. }In case of fire, yell 'FIRE!' }In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and make it better! }In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better. }In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention. }In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word 'frustration'. }In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride in any motor vehicle. }"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery }"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." Winston Curchill, of Montgomery }In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. }In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce }In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages. }In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. - Thomas Jefferson - }In every well-governed state wealth is a sacred thing; in democracies it is the ONLY sacred thing. Anatole France }"In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I was not a Communist. Then they came for the Jews and I didn't speak up becuase I was not a Jew. Then they came for the labor unionists and I didn't speak up because I was not a labor unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I was a Protestant so I didn't speak up. Then they came for me... by that time there was no one to speak up for anyone." Martin Niemoller (1892-1984) Concise Dictionary of Religious Quotations }In GOD we trust - all others require a phase review. }In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on. }In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. Mark Twain }In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay. Charles Edwin Carruthers }In June 1960 when President Eisenhower was visiting Okinawa, Communist-inspired riots and demonstrations took place. U.S. Marines were ordered to fix bayonets and clear away the crowd. Young Okinawan college girls are reported to have unbuttoned their blouses, bared their breases, and dared the Marines to advance against their naked bosoms. }In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. }In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane. }In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. }In nature there are neither rewards. nor punishments -- there are consequences. Robert G.Ingersoll }In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. }"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos }In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. }In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view." }In politics stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon }In practical life, the woman is judged by man's law, as if she were a man, not a woman. Henrik Ibsen }In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. }In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed. R.W. Emerson }In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. }In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent anonynmously to newspapers in various parts of the world. A covering note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which was heard part of the two leaders' telephone conversation. In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and the San Francisco Chronicle. The Sunday Times described the tape as part of a KGB propaganda war. The U.S. State Department said that the tape was evidence of "an increasingly sophisticated Russian disinformation campaign." In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock group Crass. The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with telephone noises. } In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! }In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax ... -- John Simon }In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king. Desiderius Erasmus }In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. }In the fight between you and the world, back the world. Franz Kafka }In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? }In the future, all knowledge in the world will be contained on a single, tiny plastic computer chip which someone will lose. }In the good old days when you wanted a horse to stand still you tied him to a hitching post. Now you bet on him. }In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the Dead }In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. Egyptian Book of the Dead }In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis }In the mid-1970's the Khmer Rouge killed off 1/3 of the population of Cambodia. In many large cities there was not a single person left over the age of 16. }In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. JOHN LILLY }In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain }In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. -- Art Linkletter }In this job I am not worried about my enemies. I can take care of them. It is my friends who are giving me trouble. - Warren G. Harding }In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. Benjamin Franklin }In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take my advice. -- Winston Churchill }In time of war the first casualty is truth. Boake Carter }In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. }In war there is no substitute for victory. Douglas MacArthur }In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. }Incumbent, n.: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Infancy, n.: The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. -- Ambrose Bierce }Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. }Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. }Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. }Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. }Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. }Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Martin Luther King, Jr. }Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum- arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. }Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan Fylstra }Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. }INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Pull towel down gently with both hands. 2. Wipe hands and face. 3. WARNING: Do not attempt to hang from towel, or insert your head into the towel loop. Failure to follow these simple instructions can be harmful or injurious. (Instructions posted on a towel dispenser at Endo's Garage in San Mateo, CA) }Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along without an education. Education appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along without the use of his intelligence. A. E. Wiggan }Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }INVENTING THE GADGET FOR GIVING A NEW SENSATION Police near St. Petersburg, Florida answered a call for an unconscious man. Their report showed he'd knocked himself out with some electrical equipment he had been toying with. Seems he had assembled a radio transmitter (with Morse Code key), a rheostat set at 12 volts and an earphone jack.......all connected to his penis. Couldn't find charges to arrest him on. } INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. "Irrationality is the square root of all evil" -- Douglas Hofstadter }Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done. }Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. }Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. }"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" -- Douglas Hofstadter }IS HE STILL A MAN? Being a robber can be injurious to your health. In Pittsburgh, Pa., a gunman held up a gas station then tucked the pistol in his belt. The gun discharged and the man ran away screaming real loud. Did he lose 'em?? }IS IT A DEMOCRACY WHEN THE F.B.I. CLOSES BAY AREA BOOKSTORES? The FBI and Federal Marshalls have closed five Bay Area book stores and movie theaters for selling pornographic material. Apparently they have become guardians of the written word (and visual viewing) of what we MAY and MAY NOT see. This comes from an Examiner editorial. Bulletin boards next? }Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? }Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? -- Ralph Emerson }Is there anything in life so disenchanting as attainment? Robert Louis Stevenson }Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? -- Kelvin Throop III }Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? }Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. }Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. }It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" }It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence, then there's bound to be some artificial stupidity. }It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe that it is a joke. }It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. -- Bertrand Russell }It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *only* by amusing oneself that one can learn." -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman }It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. }It is a desirable thing to be well-descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors. - Plutarch }It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night. WILLIE SUTTON }It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? Alan Perlis }It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois. }It is always easier to destroy than to create. - Any general, any army, any age. }It is always good policy to tell the truth unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. Jerome K Jerome }It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ... Playboy, January 1983 }It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. -- Voltaire }It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy" }It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. -- Henry Allen }It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps. }It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. }It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool Than to open it an remove all doubt. Samual Clemmens }It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark }It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. -- Mark Twain }It is commonly not your practice to make up your mind until the very last minute. }It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. George Bernard Shaw }It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. R. Serling }"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }It is easier to appear worthy of a position one does not hold, than of the office which one fills. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of attention, the harder the task. -- Sydney J. Harris }It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. }It is easier to fight for one's principles than live up to them. Alfred Adler }It is easier to get by in times of no money with dope than in times of no dope but with money. - Crumb circa 1970 }It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. }It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp } It is hard to be born a South African. One can be born an Afrikaner, or an English-speaking South African, or a coloured man, or a Zulu. One can ride, as I rode when I was a boy, over the green hills and into the great valleys. One can see, as I saw when I was a boy, the reserves of the Bantu people and see nothing of what was happening there at all. One can hear, as I heard when I was boy, that there are more Afrikaners than English-speaking people in South Africa, and yet know nothing, see nothing, of them at all. One can read, as I read when I was a boy, the brochures about lovely South Africa, that land of sun and beauty sheltered from the storms of the world, and feel pride in it and love for it, and yet know nothing about it at all. It is only as one grows up that one learns that there are other things here than sun and gold and oranges. It is omly then that one learns of the hates and fears of our country. It is only then that one's love grows deep andpassionate, as any man may love a woman who is true, flase, cold, loving, cruel, and afraid. I was born on a farm, brought up by honourable paremts, given all that a child could need or desire. They were upright and kind and law-abiding; they taught me my prayers and took me regularly to church; they had no trouble with servants and my father was never short of labour. From them I learned all that a child should learn of honour and charity and generosity. But of south Africa I learned nothing at all. Essay by Arthur Jarvis, a character in "Cry, the Beloved Country" by Alan Paton. }It is hard to fly with the eagles When you work with the turkeys. }It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. }It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. William G. McAdoo }It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. }It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Allen }It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. }It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Edsel Murphy, dec. }It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen }It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it. -- Justice Robert H. Jackson }It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. }It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved. Niccolo Machiavelli }It is much safer to obey than to rule. Thomas A. Kempis }It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. RICHARD M NIXON }It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. -- George Bernard Shaw }It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. }It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal }It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. Gore Vidal }It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over. Edna St. Vincent Millay }It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter }It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. }It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. Voltaire }It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity. }It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. -- Havelock Ellis }It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are. Clive James }It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Dijkstra }It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? }It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" }It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. }It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg }It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg }It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- Hawkwind }It is the business of the future to be dangerous. Hawkwind }It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can do only a little. Do what you can. Sydney Smith }It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. }It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future. }It is wise to remember that I am one of those who can be fooled some of the time. }It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper. Errol Flynn }It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty. }It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. }"It runs like x, where x is something unsavory" -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 }It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. }It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio }It takes a long time to understand nothing. EDWARD DAHLBERG }"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling" - R. Frost - }"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." }It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. MARK TWAIN }It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. }"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot." }It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always thus. DEAN LATTIMER }It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... -- James Dent }"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime." -- Thomas Aldrich } It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" }It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. }It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. }It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples. -- Charles Dickens }It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. -- Robert Fuoss }It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson }It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. Andrew Jackson }"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear." }"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." -- Steven Wright }"It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and Bullwinkle }It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme }IT'S ABOUT YOUR DRIVING. CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE? Seems Luis Bacardi is dubbed one of the worst drivers in Florida. Has been convicted 8 times for speeding, five times for running traffic signals, 3 times for reckless driving and has had his license suspended 11 times and revoked 4 times. How many times wasn't he caught? }"It's bad luck to be superstitious." -- Andrew W. Mathis }"It's bad luck to be superstitious." Andrew W. Mathis }It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. -- Marty Winch }"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". }It's easier to be original and foolish than original and wise. Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz }It's easier to be wise for others than for ourselves. Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld }It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right. }It's easier to see how funny life is when somebody else is living it. }It's easy to come and go... The hard thing is to remain. }"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!" -- Macy's }IT'S FIRST CLASS OR NOTHING Ambassador Limousene Service advertises that its cars are available for all occasions. So this guy hires a 1991 white stretch limo and has the driver wait as he robs a bank. James Thomas Moore was taken into custody and is suspected of 21 other bank robberies. }It's for love that I live all alone. Because the lovers I imagine are safer than the ones I've known. }It's good to have money, and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in awhile and be sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy. }It's hard to face tomorrow, but it's easier than facing no tomorrow. }It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News }It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips And pull your knees in tight. It's the pelvic thrust That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! -- Rocky Horror Picture Show }"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -- Walt Disney }It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has already begun. }It's life, Jim; but, not as WE know it. First Officer Spock }"It's Like This" Even the samurai have teddy bears, and even the teddy bears get drunk. }It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. }It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. -- Sam Goldwyn }It's never too late for romance, it's only too late to get up the next morning. }It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. -- George Burns }It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White }It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. Phil White }"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston }"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." Kevin White, mayor of Boston }It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. -- Alexander Korda }"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." -- Cal Keegan }"It's not my fault!" -- Han Solo }It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what you're taking for it... }It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground. -- Daniel B. Luten }It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen. }It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. -- Garfield }It's not whether you win or lose, it's how good you look playing! David Lee Roth }It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. -- Sydney J. Harris }It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. }It's said that the average child during the last 25 years spent more time with Mister Rogers than with the child's own father. }It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the Devil when he is the only explanation of it. }It's terrible the way those careless drivers keep so close ahead of you. }It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. -- Franklin P. Jones }"It's uh known fact, Pheoby, you got tuh go there tuh know there. . ." -Zora Neale Hurston (Their Eyes Were Watching God) }Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves. LITTLE RICHARD } JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ... }Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. }James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. -- Tom Stoppard }Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. }Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. }Jesus Saves Johnson scores on the rebound. }Jesus Saves Vishnu invests. }Jesus saves! Immanuel Kant. }Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. }Job Placement, n.: Telling your boss what he can do with your job. }Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. }Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. }Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. }Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. }Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. }Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. }Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field ofendeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. }Journalist Karl Grossman stumbled upon NASA's plan to launch the next space shuttle [after the Challenger that blew up] with a payload containing 46.7 POUNDS of plutonium-238, the most toxic substance known to man. The Energy Department admits that a Galileo explosion could release about 57,000 curies of plutonium radiation -- theoretically enough to give 5 BILLION PEOPLE lung or bone cancer, under worst-case conditions. But the department won't declassify a study explaining what those conditions are. }JUST A COUPLE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S SAYINGS FOR YOU TO DIGEST 1. "Fish and visitors smell in three days." 2. "Whate'er's begun in anger ends in shame." 3. "Most people repay small favors, acknowledge middling ones, and repay great ones with ingratitude." }Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it). -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 }Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the whole truth. -- Stephen R. Schwambach }Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. -- Irene Peter }Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE }Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE }Just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed. }"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." -- T. Edison }Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. }Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're really not after you. }Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. }Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. }JUST LET US DO OUR OWN THING That's what the Boy Scouts of America wants. Two girls qualifying for Eagle Scouts found this coveted award is only given to males. "It's not allowed and it won't be allowed," said Donald York, Scout executive for the Nevada Area Scout Council. "This is BOY Scouts of America and it's been that way for 80 years". Now the ALCU is involved. }"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" The Brigader, "Dr. Who" }"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US }Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! }JUST TWO POOR BABIES In Mountain View a local bar is being sued by two Hells Angels who claimed they were "unduly embarrassed and exposed to public ridicule" when they were refused entry by employees who didn't like their motorcycle club insignia. Probably stood outside and really bawled. Their feelings were apparently hurt so bad that they have hired an attorney to sue the Sports Page bar. }Just when I was getting used to yesterday... Along came today. }Just when you think you see the whole picture of life clearly, the channel changes. }Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!! }Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! -- Michael J. Wagner }Justice is incedental to law and order. J EDGAR HOOVER }Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover }Justice is incidental to law and order. J. Edgar Hoover }Justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical. Blaise Pascal }Justice, n.: A decision in your favor. }Justice, n.: A decision in your favor. }"Justice? Who asks for justice? We make our own justice. We make it here on Arrakis - win or die. Let us not rail about justice as long as we have arms and the freedom to use them." - Duke Leto Atreides in the Book "Dune" by Frank Herbert }K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; Cobol's wordy and confining; KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. -- The Roguelet's ABC }Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. }Kasha, n.: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? *I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help *you* much. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. }Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. }Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze - Hellman's Mayonnaise }Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" }Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE! }Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. }Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." }Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. }Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. }Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. }Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood }Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood }King Merekek of Abyssinia wanted to follow in America's footsteps and electrocute his country's nastiest criminals, so he coughed up a bundle for a fancy electric chair. But when he got it, he realized he'd overlooked one thing -- there was no electricity in Abyssinia. So Abyssinia's killers continued to be dispatched in more traditional ways -- and Merekek used the electric chair as a throne. }Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. }"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six- pack." }Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. }Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. Camp }Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. Henry N. Camp }Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }L'extension des privileges des femmes est le principe generale de tous progres sociaux. --Charles Fourier 1772-1837 The extension of women's rights is thebasic principle of all social progress. (source: Theorie des Quatre Mouvements (1808) II.iv) }"Labor is the great producer of wealth; it moves all other causes." --- Daniel Webster, American Statesman (1782-1852) }Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability. Flower A. Newhouse }Lackland's Laws: (1) Never be first. (2) Never be last. (3) Never volunteer for anything }Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything }Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Lady Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee. Winston Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it. }Lady Astor: Winston, you're drunk. Winston Churchill: Yes, but you're ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober. }Ladybug, ladybug, Look to your stern! Your house is on fire, Your children will burn! So jump ye and sing, for The very first time The four lines above Have been put into rhyme. -- Walt Kelly }Langsam's Laws: (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. }Language is the tool by which we know and the probe by which we seek to discover the reality behind appearances. }Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. }Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. }"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" -- Steven Wright }"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor." }"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge }Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. }Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. }Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. }Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set. }Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. }Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. }Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. }Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. }Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. }Laws of Computer Programming (1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. (3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. (4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. (5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. (6) The value of a program is porportional to the weight of its output. (7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. (8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2 }Laws of Serendipity: (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. }Laws of Serendipity: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. }Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. }LEARN A TRADE THAT WILL MAKE YOU BIG MONEY Students taking print shop in Mannington Township, N.J. had the right idea until they got caught. They were printing and passing fake $10 and $20 dollar bills. Very entrepreneurial while it lasted. }Learn as though you were to live forever, live as though you were to die tomorrow. }Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way. -- Alan J. Perlis }Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. }Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun? }Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can." }Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. }Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. }LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. }LESS TEENS BOOZING AND DRIVING For the first time fewer than one in five young drivers in fatal crashes have been drinking, federal safety researchers said Thursday. Education and stricter laws have been responsible. }Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. }"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number." -- James Estes }LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE, YOUNG MAN. It might not work for you, but it has worked for Jeanne Louis Calment, of Arles, France. She ignored all those warnings about smoking and drinking. She still does it. She is 116 years old and in Guinness records for longivity. } Let priests and philosophers Brood over questions of reality and illusion I know this: If life is illusion Then I am no less an illusion And being thus, The illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content. -Conan The Barbarian }Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth - to see it like it is, and tell it like it is - to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth. Richard M. Nixon. Accepting the presidential nomination in 1968 }Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first. }"Let's do it..." Gary Gilmore, to prison officials shortly before his execution by firing squad in Utah 1977. }Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. }Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn }Let's put the blame where it belongs: On somebody else. }Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls in there". * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious cretin like yourself. * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a large cash settlement anyway. }LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. Sevenoaks }Levity is the soul of wit. Melville D. Landon. (Eli Perkins) }Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. }Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. }Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. -- Harry Emerson Fosdick }LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. }LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. }LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal disease. }LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. }Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. }Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. }Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. }Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. }Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. }Life is a great sunrise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one. Vladimir Nobokov }Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. }Life is an incurable disease. Abraham Cowley }Life is hard and then you die. -- Record Title }"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless." -- Flaubert }Life is like a sewer; what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -- Tom Lehrer }Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. }Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedaling. }Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over! }Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. Samuel Butler }"Life is too important to take seriously." -- Corky Siegel }"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." }"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie }Life was not meant to be easy. Malcom Fraser }Life without the courage for death is slavery. Seneca }"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people" -- Blore }"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. }Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. Alan McKay }Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. }Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. }Linus:I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. }LIQUOR IS QUICKER ...To cause riots in Russia. The vodka shortage has created rationing but some still find the shelves empty. They are venting their anger by rioting. }Lives there a man with soul so dead Who never to himself hath said, 'Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed!' }Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. -- Candice Bergen }Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. }Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. }Lizzie Borden took an axe, And plunged it deep into the VAX; Don't you envy people who Do all the things YOU want to do? }Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these interest rates, we don't need it." }Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too. -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" }Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. }LOCO IN LAS CABESAS? A 19-year-old car was stolen in Baton Rouge, Louisana. The only catch, there were no forward gears. The thieves had to drive it in reverse (which they did) to a service station to get gas. Police arrested them there. }Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. Joseph Wood Krutch }Logicians have but ill defined As rational the human kind. Logic, they say, belongs to man, But let them prove it if they can. -- Oliver Goldsmith }Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. }Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too? -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox }Lord give me chastity - but not yet. Saint Augustine }Lord keep us from wanting to know What a higher high is By having a lower low. }Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish. Michelangelo }Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" }Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas. }Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. }Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the world has ever seen. }Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. -- Sigmund Freud }Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. }"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening }Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash }"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished." -- Goethe }Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken }Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H. L. Mencken }Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. }Love of beauty is Taste...The creation of beauty is Art. R.W. Emerson }Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. -- Louise Beal }Love thy neighbor but keep the hedge high. Before I build a wall I'd ask myself, what am I walling in or what am I walling out? }Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. } Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before my bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise. }Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce }Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. }Lt. Uhura says:'Subspace Communications- It's the next best thing to beaming there!' }Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. }Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. }Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes. }Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes. }Luxury is a necessity that begins where necessity ends. Coco Channel }"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." Winston Churchill }Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine. }Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and play games -- but not with pleasure. -- Leo Rosten }Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. W. C. Fields }MAFIA, n: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and entire nodal aggravations. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" }Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Maier's Law: If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: (1) The bigger the theory, the better. (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. }Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. }Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. }Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. }Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. }Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. }Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. }Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. }Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. }Make new friends but keep the old ones; One is silver and the other's gold. }"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood." D. B. Hudson - }Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. -- System V.2 administrator's guide }Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. }Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. }MAMA KNOWS BEST Two Red Robin restaurant workers in Seattle didn't seem to think so. This 9 months pregnant women (after lugging the kid around in her tummy all day) decides to relax and drop in for a strawberry daiquari. The two employees, appalled by the "Alcohol can cause birth defects" warning, didn't want to serve her. Suggested a virgin daiquari. Didn't work, so the employee put the sign, "ALCOHOL CAN CAUSE BIRTH DEFECTS" on her table and refused to serve her. The pregnant woman turned to her friend and mentioned the baby was past due. One of the employees said, "The baby was past due and had had its chance." Anyways, both employees were fired, a health baby was delivered shortly after, and there was a very upset customer..Didn't say if an attorney had been chosen. }Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is. Man 2: OK, what is the most impo--- Man 1: TIMING! } "Man adjusts to what he should not; he is unable to adjust to what he should." --- Jean Tommer African-American author poet (1894-1967) }Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. Adlai Stevenson }"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin }"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." Lily Tomlin }Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. Oscar Wilde }Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Wernher von Braun }Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain }Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain }Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. -- Samuel Butler }Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy. -- Albert Einstein }Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it is an enemy. A. Einstein }"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on..." - Winston Churchill - }Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which, however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?" -- Dr. Who }Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. -- Ray Simard }Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. Ray Simard }Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. Oliver Herford }Many are saved from sin by being so inept at it. Mignon McLaughlin }Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very very thin paper. }Many people have played themselves to death. Many people have eaten and drunk themselves to death. Nobody ever thought himself to death. Gilbert Highet }Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... -- Walt Kelly }MARIN JUDGES JUST WON'T BUY YOUR TRAFFIC EXCUSES. So you get a ticket and go to court thinking the judge will be lenient because you took the time to appear. Uh! Uh! Out of 4,320 people appearing before Marin judges, only 193 got off the hook. }Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. }Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. }Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Joey Adams }Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out. Michel de Montaigne. French writer }Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire }Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire } Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle }Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing. -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 }Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. -- Malcolm Smith }Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. -- R. Drabek }Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe }Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by James Blish }Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. }Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer }Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. Jules Feiffer }May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. }May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. }Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton }Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. }Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. }Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization." }McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. }McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. }Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. }Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened toevery one you know, only more so. }Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. }Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" }Men have a much better time of it than women: for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. H.L. Mencken }Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do! }Men have to do some awfully mean things to keep up their respectability. George Bernard Shaw }Men just don't seem to jump off the bridge for big reasons; they usually do so for little ones. W.H. Ferry }Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams }Men, like bullets, go farthest when they are smoothest. Jean Paul Richter }Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. }Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. }Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. }Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. }Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. }Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. }Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it. }Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it. }Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. }Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. }Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. }Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. }methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and }methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolyphenylalanyl- serylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl- asparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylva- lythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucyala- nylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli- soleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala- nylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu- taminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylala- nylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolyphenylalanylargi- nylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso- leucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyl- aspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginyl- glycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl- gylcylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspartagi- nylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala- nylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylpro- lyaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanyla- lanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucyli- soleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamylly- sylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly- methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protien, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words }Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. }Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. }"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." }Middle age is youth without it's levity. And old age without decay. Daniel Defoe }Middle Age: Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence! }"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." }Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate." -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" }Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. }Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. }Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx }Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. GROUCHO MARX }Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx }Millihelen, adj: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. }Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Susan Ertz }Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" }Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. }Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. }Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell Baker }Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. - Russel Baker }Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. }Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. }Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It's lovely to be silly at the right moment. }MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine Cinnamon Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box }Moderate riches will carry you.. if you have more, you must carry them. }Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. }Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. }Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. }Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implementedit wasn't worth doing. }Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Money may not bring happiness, but most people like to have enough of it around so they can choose their own misery. }Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. }"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations" - Thomas Jefferson - }Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. - Thomas Jefferson - }Moon, n.: 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). }Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. }More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. } MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. }More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen }Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second... }Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. }Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. }Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently than they do. -- Turgenev }Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa }Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa }Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Arnold Bennett }Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. }Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. }"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much fun to watch. -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) }Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble! }Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. }Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. }Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. }"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" }Murphys Law: If something can go wrong... It will, and at the worst possible time. } Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it." -- "Grendel", by John Gardner }"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." -- Orson Welles }MY EXPERIMENT HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND. That's what happened in a bee breeding experiment in Brazil in 1957. Some of the bees escaped. Now Killer Bees are entering North America. An advance swarm of 3,000 bees was discovered in Harlingen, Texas. The invasion has only started. }My father, a good man, told me, 'Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it.' Erich Maria Remarque } My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars Reds and peyote to work out your bugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys Users of heroin, often called junkies Methadone helps then to stop being thugs Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. On a bad trip When the cops come When I lose my head I simply take more of my favorite drugs And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! }My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. }My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeli }My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. }My life closed twice before it's close It yet remains to see If immortality unveil A third event to me. So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell Parting is all we know of heaven And all we need of hell. -- Emily Dickenson }My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. }"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" -- MadameX }My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. -- Dorothy Parker }My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him! The ways are fair to his roaming feet, And the skies are sunlit for him. As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. -- Dorothy Parker }My lover has no other lovers -- because she has no want or need. }My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity. George Bernard Shaw }My mind to me a kigdom is; Such present joys therin I find, That it excels all other bliss That earth affords or grow by kind: Though much I want that most would have, Yet still my mind forbids to crave Some have too much yet still do crave. I have little and seek no more: They are but poor, though much they have, And I am rich with little store: They poor, I rich, They beg, I give; They lack, I have, they pine, I live. }My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx }My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. }My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, And his eyes are lit with laughter. He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. -- Dorothy Parker }My pen is at the bottom of a page, Which, being finished, here the story ends; 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, But stories somehow lengthen when begun. -- Byron }My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. ALBERT EINSTEIN }My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley }Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" } n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. }Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. }Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. }NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" }NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. G. B. Shaw }Narration from Henry V:"Now entertain conjecture of a time when creeping murmur and the poring dark fills the wide vessel of the universe." This is Shakespearean for "Ok, like - it's night." }Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal it." }Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. }Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" }Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the light more." }Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" }Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed? -- Solomon Short }Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. }Nature didn't make us perfect so she did the next best thing. She made us blind to our faults. Grit }Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. -- Fran Leibowitz }Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Abraham Lincoln }Necessity is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves. William Pitt the Younger }Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang }Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, What are you? }Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry. Proverb }Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. }NEVER BE IDLE TOO LOMG We're talking about your car. CSAA says, "Don't let your car idle in traffic for more than a minute. Idling consumes a half gallon to a gallon of gas per hour and wastes more gas than restarting the engine. }Never do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur to make you regret your premature action. Aaron Burr }Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. }Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy }Never eat more than you can lift. Miss Piggy }Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. BILLY ROSE }"Never laugh at live dragons." -- Bilbo Baggins (From The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien) }Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. }Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" }Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" }Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. }Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 }Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 }Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. }Never tell people 'how' to do things. Tell them 'what' to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. General George S. Patton }Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Never try to outstubborn a cat. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS }Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. R. A. Heinlein }NEW CALIFORNIA LOTTO GAME It starts Sunday. This lotto card only has 39 numbers. Pick the six drawn and win a half a million bucks. Get five, win $2,000. Officials hope this will boost saging lottery sales. }New Delhi, India (AP) -- Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity. The commission that banned the festival was set up after a confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the naked devotees. Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe the worshippers, but were instead stripped by the devotees. Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which contributed to a state-wide protest. }New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. }New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. }New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. -- Monty Python's Big Red Book }New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. Webster's Unafraid Dictionary }NEW YORK (AP) -- Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but many say their friends' chances are considerably worse, according to a new poll. }New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead }Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. }Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. }NEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. }Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. }Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. }Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. }Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. Raymond }"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." -- Foghorn Leghorn }Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. }Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em. }Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes And tapes without any tracks; Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes And tapes mixed up on the racks -- Take hold of the tape And pull off the strip, And then you'll be sure Your tape drive will skip. -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes }"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much." -- Augustine }Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. }Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. }"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. -- Zonker Harris }Nixon saw deep throat ten times, but he still hasn't gotten it down Pat! }No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz }No combat-ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection-ready squad ever passed combat. -- Nam }No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under such difficult conditions. -- Laurence J. Peter }No disguise can long conceal love where it exists, or long feign it where it is lacking. --- La Rochefoucauld }No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. }NO FIREWORKS! The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. }"No Freeman shall be debarred the use of arms in his own lands or tenements." - Thomas Jefferson, from the Virginia Constitution, Third Draft }No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce }No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce }No household item is ever completely lost; it's just waiting until you forget what you wanted it for. }No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. -- Channing Pollock }No man is a hero to his valet. Anne-Marie Bigot de Cornuel }No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oscar Wilde }No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. }No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not. - H.L. Mencken }No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style. }No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. }No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind. }No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt }No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt }No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H.L. Mencken }No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author. -- Chris Shaw }No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. CHORUS: Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" (chorus) Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! (chorus) }"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence." -- ALGOL 68 Report }"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper." -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch } No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! -- Sherlock Holmes }No wife of *mine* is doing any dishes. That's what we had the kid for. - from Deathlok comics #1 }No wonder I feel so tired - I'm older now than I've ever been before. } "No, I have suffered too much in this life to hope for another one. All the subtleties of metaphysics cannot make me doubt for one moment the immortality of the soul or the existence of a benevolent Providence." -Jean-Jaques Rousseau, 1712 - 1778 }"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" -- Dr. Who }No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. Groucho Marx }Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. TALLULAH BANKHEAD }Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah Bankhead }Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own. Sydney Harris }Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. -- Lewis Lapham }Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. }Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. Mark Twain }Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. }Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. }Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. -- Ambrose Bierce }Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. Ambrose Bierce }Nostalgia is a seductive liar. George Ball }Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men. Some are married. Emma Lee }Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." -- Shakespeare }Not many things are all bad. When it gets dark enough, I can see the stars. }Not only does alcohol kill brain cells but the next day they attend the funeral }Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allan }"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." Profesoor W. }Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ... Woody Allen }Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. }Nothing befalls a man except what is in his nature to endure. Marcus Aurelius }Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. }Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. American Proverb }Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. }Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew Young }Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young }Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. -- Nero Wolfe }Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. Henry Ford }Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. HASSAN I SABBAH }Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster than being elected. }Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. Conscience makes egotists of us all. -- Oscar Wilde }Nothing puzzles me more than time and space, and yet nothing puzzles me less, for I never think about them. Charles Lamb }Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell }Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell }Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown }Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. Charlie Brown }November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Now and then it's good to pause in the pursuit of happiness and just be happy. }Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. }"Now is the time for all good men to come to." -- Walt Kelly }"Now is the time for all good men to come to." Walt Kelly }Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. }"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." -- "The Begatting of a President" }"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 }NUCLEAR MISSILE NEARLY LAUNCHED ITSELF Cheyanne, Wyo. (AP) -- In 1984 a malfunctioning Minuteman 3 nuclear missile gave every indication of imminently launching itself, so the Air Force hurriedly parked an armored vehicle atop its silo, a spokesman said. "If the launcher closure door opened up, the security police vehicle would have fallen on top of the missile and prevented it from going any place," Capt. Bill Kalton, a public affairs officer at Warren Air Force Base, said Tuesday. "It was not a major incident," Kalton said in response to a news account of the Jan 10, 1984 incident in today's Casper Star Tribune. "There was no chance of a missile launching," he said. Air Force officials did not report the incident to the Strategic Air Command which controls the bae, or to Congress, state and local officials, or the public, Kalton said. "Nobody has ever inquired about it," he said. }"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." -- Karl Lehenbauer }"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike." -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" }"Nuclear war would really set back cable." -- Ted Turner }Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. }O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? }O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. }O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. }O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: "Murphy was an optimist." }Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal. Hannah More }Occident, n.: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Ode to Turbulent Flow Big whirls have little whirls which feed on their velocity, and little whirls have lesser whirls and so on, to viscosity. - Unknown engineering student }Ode to Turbulent Flow: Big whirls have little whirls Which feed on their velocity, And little whirls have lesser whirls And so on, to viscosity. }Oedipus come home, all is forgiven. Mother }Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. -- Thomas L. Martin }Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato }Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato }Of all the words of witch's doom There's none so bad as which and whom. The man who kills both which and whom Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. -- Fletcher Knebel }"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?" }"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." -- Crazy Nigel }Of Dartmouth seniors, 58% know what SDI stands for; 76% know what IUD stands for. }Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. }Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. }Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. }Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than illumination. }Often the difference between a successful relationship and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three things a day unsaid. }Often the test of courage is not to die but to live. Conte Vittorio Alfieri }Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. }Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! }Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! }OH YOU PLAYFUL KIDS A student working in a steam room at Central Michigan University discovered in a locker 1,117 pairs of women's underpants, 79 brassiers and two pairs of women's gym shorts. No one is showing up to claim them. }Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay I muck with indices and structs all day And when it works, I shout hoo-ray Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay }Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. -- Lichty & Wagner }Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there I've chased the shouting wind along and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air. Up, up along delirious, burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, Where never lark, or even eagle flew; And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" }Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. Rebecca Richards }Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. }Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman }"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." -- Dr. Joy }Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier }Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- Trotsky }Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. Trotsky }Old doughnut makers never die, they just get tired of the whole business. }Old frogs never die, But they do croak! }Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples. }Old soldiers never die - young ones do. }Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. }Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. }Omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." }OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? }On a Child Who Lived One Minute Into a world where children shriek like suns sundered from other suns on their arrival she stared and saw the waiting shape of evil, but could not take it's meaning in at once, so fresh her understanding, and so fragile. Her first breath drew a fragrance from the air and put it back. However hard her agile heart danced, however full the surgeon's satchel of healing stuff, a blackness tiptoed in her and snuffed the only candle of her castle. Oh, let us do away with elegic drivel! Who can restore a thing so brittle, so new in any jingle? Still I marvel that, making light of mountain loads of logic, so much could stay a moment in so little. -- X. J. Kennedy }On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." Wolfgang Pauli }On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. -- Will Rogers } On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" }On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" }On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. H.L. Mencken }On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT ... }On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." -- Blair P. Houghton } "On the turning away, From the pale and down-trodden, and the words they say, which we won't understand. Don't accept that what's happening is just a case of others' suffering or you'll find that you're joining in the turning away. It's a sin that somehow light is changing to shadow and casting it's shroud over all we have known. Unaware how the ranks have grown driven on by a heart of stone We could find that we're all alone in the dream of the proud. On the wings of the night as the daytime is stirring where the speechless unite in a silent accord. Using words you will find are strange and mesmerized as they light the flame feel the new wind of change on the wings of the night. No more turning away from the weak and the weary No more turning away from the coldness inside. Just a world that we all must share it's not enough just to stand and stare Is it only a dream that there'll be no more turning away?" -- Pink Floyd, "On the Turning Away", Momentary Lapse of Reason, D. J. Gilmore and A. Moore, 1986 }On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: 'Where no man has gone before' }"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage }On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. }On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. }Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" }Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your mistress". }Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon you knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- I never saw your face before!" -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior. Socrates }Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. Rainer Rilke } Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. }Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. }Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the smaller prime numbers. 2: The Odd Prime -- It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 3: The True Prime -- Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 31: The Arbitrary Prime -- Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. }Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Once, adv.: Enough. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -- Franklin P. Jones }"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. -- Chuq Von Rospach }One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. }One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi }One China expert, L. Ladany, estimates that between 1959 and 1962, starvation ended the lives of as many as 50 million Chinese, over eight times the number of Jews murdered by Hitler in Nazi Germany. This was the direct result of the Mao government's central planning. It was called "The Great Leap Forward." }One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." }One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." }One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. }"One Galileo in two thousand years is enough." Pope Pius XII }One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. }One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) }One learns to itch where one can scratch. -- Ernest Bramah }One man with courage makes a majority. Andrew Jackson }One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... -- Anthony Chevins }One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you." }One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. }"One of my best customers was Ferdinand Marcos," he said, "But I haven't heard from him in a while." Burgess was one of the 40 exhibitors displaying an unusual collection of firepower Saturday during a Boy Scout-sponsored gun show in San Luis Obispo. }One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 }One of the advantages of a clean life is that you can distinguish between the flu and a hangover. }One of the Commerce Departments new rules is certain to raise eyebrows. Known officially as section 5999B of the Commodity Control List, it authorizes the unlicenced export to Australia, Japan, New Zealand and NATO member countries of items described as "specially designed implements of torture." When asked about the new category, one Commerce spokesman said that the implements included things like "thumbscrews and cattle prods -- just routine items for the police." }One of the greatest labour-saving inventions of today is tomorrow. Vincent T. Foss }One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people - Genghis Khan }One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. -- Will Durant }One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - Mark Twain (1835-1910) Pudd'nhead Wisdom, 1894 }One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "SOMEBODY somebody has to buy retail." Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" } One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 }One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. }One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis }One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. Mark Ardis }One reason why George Washington Is held in such veneration: He never blamed his problems On the former Administration. -- George O. Ludcke }"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes." -- Ronald Reagan }One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. F. Nietzsche }One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. }"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of sheer terror." -- W. K. Hartmann }One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model. }One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted. -- Thomas B. Reed }One-Shot Case Study, n.: The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. }One-third of adult Americans questioned in an ABC News-Washington Post poll didn't know which side the United States supported in the Vietnam War and more than half didn't know what the war was about. }Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on social occasions. --- R. A. Heinlein }Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we." }Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. }Only the winners decide what were war crimes. Gary Willis }Only the young die good. Oliver Herford }Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. Robert F. Kennedy }ONLY WHEN I LAUGH Remember the story? A settler is impaled by an Indian's arrow. He was still conscious and when asked if 'it hurt', he replied, "Only when I laugh." Well......In Portland, Maine, Alfred Judd, a high school student was impaled by a javelin. It punctured his abdomen, passed through a kidney and got stuck in his back. He pulled it out, walked back to the school for help. Went through six hours of exploritory surgery. He is reported in satisfactory condition. }"Open the pod bay doors Hal." - Dave "I'm sorry Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." - Hal }Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence. Hebrew Proverb }Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). }Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. }Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. }Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. Mike Adams }Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence Peter. Canadian writer }Originality is undetected plagiarism. Dean W.R. Inge }Orlando police arrested Eddie Smith, in posession of a bag of small rocks, and charged him with posession of rock cocaine. Smith spent 92 days in jail awaiting trial. Crime lab technicians analyzed the four rocks and found them to be aquarium gravel. }Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. }Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. }Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. }Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. }Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. }Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds. --- George Elitot }Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only *he* had a lollipop. He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer." }Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only *he* had a lollipop. He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer." }OUR GOVERNMENT AGENCIES AT WORK The U.S. Postal Service says the IRS owes $2 million for under- paying its postage bill. The IRS said they did not understand the complex regulations on certified mail. }"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 }Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions. Edward R. Murrow }Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings. }Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, In kernel as it is in user! }Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries }Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries }"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure }Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. -- General Omar N. Bradley }Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. } OUTCONERR Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes Did logzerneg the ifthen block All kludgy were the function flows And subroutines adhoc. Beware the runtime-bug my friend squrooneg, the false goto Beware the infiniteloop And shun the inprectoo. }"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx }Over the past three years, the General Electric Co. had profits of $6.5 billion. It paid no federal income tax. Dow Chemical had profits of $776 million; Union Carbide, $613 million; W.R. Grace & Co., $684 million. None of them paid a dime in federal income tax. Together the four companies claimed refunds -- refunds, if you please! -- of more than half a billion dollars. }Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before ... }Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" }OWN YOUR OWN PATRIOT MISSILE It's a 10th scale model. Will launch to 400 feet in the air with solid fuel engines. Costs $23.99 and in most toy-hobby shops. Sales are booming. }Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. }Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose Bierce }Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. -- Laurie Anderson }Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D. J. Hicks }Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats. }Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats. }Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. }Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. }Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. }Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. }Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. }Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. }PARKINSON'S LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. }Parsley is gharsley. -- Ogden Nash }Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is completely programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. }"Pascal is not a high-level language." -- Steven Feiner }"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 }Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. }Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. }Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. }Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric Hoffer }Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. Eric Hoffer }Passions are fashions. Clifton Fadiman }Patageometry, n.: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants. }Patrick Henry, who said, "Give me liberty or give me death," owned 65 slaves. }Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. George Bernard Shaw }Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. }Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. }Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. }Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. }Peace is not only better than war, but infinitely more arduous. George Bernard Shaw }Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. }Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. }Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. }Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Penguin Trivia #46: Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 }People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts. Robert Keith Leavitt }People don't care what kind of person you are but only what kind of person you are to them. }People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. }People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future. }People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. Russell Baker }"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." -- Ken Kesey }People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. }People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart. -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" }People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. }People who have never tried it have no idea how pleasant being nasty can be. }People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. }People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. Ogden Nash }People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. }People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. }People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they did yesterday. }Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." Aelius Donatus }Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. }Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery }Perhaps it is the brain rebelling at having its cranial container `wallpapered'. }Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. }Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. }Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey. }Philadelphia isn't dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, NJ. }Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. }Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. -- John Keats }Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. Jonathan Kozol }"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." }Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die" - John W. Campbell - }PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. }PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. }PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus. }PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus. } Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. } Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. }Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -- Don Marquis }PIZZA MAKERS COULD BE OBSOLETE Now it's automated pizza. All mechanical. Not only that, it is voice activated. Will start making your pizza at your verbal command. It's called the Pizzabot. Mechanical arms do the work spreading the sauce and adding the toppings. One counter person supervises the whole operation. His only job is to remove it from the oven and collect your dough. }PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- E. W. Dijkstra }"Plaese porrf raed." -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase }Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women. Katherine Hepburn }Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets. -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half Shell" }Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. }Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find out the truth. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Please take note: Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz }Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz }PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. }Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. }Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. }Police searching for a black man suspected of raping six elderly women since 1983 have been canvassing house-to-house with ink pads, urging black men to be fingerprinted to establish their innocence. Of the six rape victims, the first five were white. }POLICE TAGGED HIM THE ENEMA BANDIT True! A 30 year old man was arrested in Glen Ellyn, Illinois and charged with breaking in apartments and robbing people. If the victim was a woman, he would give her an enema. }Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. }Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. }Politician, n.: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt }POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. Martin Pitt }Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there are no rivers. Nikita Khruschev }Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev }Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. ARTHUR C CLARKE }Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space. Will Rogers }Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. }Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan }Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds. Henry Brooks Adams }Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is in it. Elbert Hubbard }Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing: Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Portable, adj.: Survives system reboot. }Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. }"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 }Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. Lord Acton }Power, after love, is the first source of happiness. Stendhal }Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. }Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. J. P. McEvoy }Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. Neils Bohr }President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. }President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.- The Washington Post }Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. }Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. }Principal Larry Graham of Pavilion Central School in rural New York imposed a rule forbidding "overt displays of affection beyond handholding." He said the behavior of his students had become an embarrassment. When students protested he assured them that hugging will be allowed when the home team wins. }Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how. -- Frederick Winsor }Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis }Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data encryption standard and they came up with ... Student: EBCDIC!" }Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% }Program, n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. }Prolonged contact with computers turns mathematicians into clerks and vice versa. }Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. }Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. This technique is used on equations with "n" in them. Induction techniques are very popular, even the military used them. SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") }Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) "Try it; it works" Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Blatant assertion Changing all the 2's to n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason" }Prophecy is the wit of a fool. Vladimir Nabokov }Prophecy: The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. Ambrose Bierce }Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: BBW Branch Both Ways BEW Branch Either Way BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full BH Branch and Hang BMR Branch Multiple Registers BOB Branch On Bug BPO Branch on Power Off BST Backspace and Stretch Tape CDS Condense and Destroy System CLBR Clobber Register CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately CM Circulate Memory CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip CRN Convert to Roman Numerals }Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: DC Divide and Conquer DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key DO Divide and Overflow EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator EPI Execute Programmer Immediately EROS Erase Read Only Storage EXCE Execute Customer Engineer HCF Halt and Catch Fire IBP Insert Bug and Proceed INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) PBC Print and Break Chain PDSK Punch Disk }Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: PI Punch Invalid POPI Punch Operator Immediately PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RASC Read And Shred Card RPM Read Programmers Mind RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) RTAB Rewind tape and break RWDSK rewind disk RWOC Read Writing On Card SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write SLC Search for Lost Chord SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk STROM Store in Read Only Memory TDB Transfer and Drop Bit WBT Water Binary Tree }Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater. William Hazlitt }Prosperity is when your conversation changes from car pools to swimming pools. }Prosperity tries the fortunate: adversity the great. Pliny the Younger }"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller than the both put together." }Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it. }Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. Laurence J Peter }Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. -- H. L. Mencken }Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. }Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H.L. Mencken }Put three grains of sand inside a vast cathedral, and the cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than space is with stars. Sir James Jeans }Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. }Put your Nose to the Grindstone! Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. }Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. }Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. }Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. }Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A:One per person. }Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. }Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." }Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator. }Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator. }Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. }Q: How many Exxon captains does it take to make an oil spill? A: One and a fifth. }Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. }Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. }Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. }Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". }Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place. }Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half. }Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke. }Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. }Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. }Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. }Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette" }Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year. }Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. }Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. }Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A:To stamp out forest fires. Q:Why do elephants have flat feet? A:To stamp out flaming ducks. }Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. }Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A:To prevent the sensible ones from going home. }Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. }Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. }"Quarrel with a friend - and you are BOTH wrong." --- Lao-Tzu, Chinese Philosopher (570 B.C. - 490 B.C.) }"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" }Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? }Quia Costodiet Ipsos Custodes. (Who will watch the Guardians) }Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) }Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it. }"QUIT is a four letter word!" - PC-Hack v. 3.05 }Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce }QUOTE OF THE DAY: ` }QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. }Racism is man's gravest threat to man - the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason. Abraham Joshua Heschel }Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President }Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. }Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker }Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. }Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain }Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. }Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O. }Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space. }Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil. }Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.) }Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. }Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance. CONFUCIUS }Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. CONFUCIUS }Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks. }Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. }Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. }Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them. }Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. }Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty. }Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. }Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. }Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. }Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? }Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. }Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at *all* levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. }Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure. }Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. }Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. }Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never afraid to break your face. }Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days. }Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it. }Real wealth can only increase. R BUCKMINSTER FULLER }Real World, The n.: 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a deceased person. }Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? -- Patrick Sky }Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. -- Alvy Ray Smith }"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick }Rebellions of the belly are the worst. Francis Bacon }Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" }Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. }Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! It used to point to me, Now I'm protecting it. It was the reader's CONS That made it, paired by dot; Now, GC, for the nonce, Thou shalt reclaim it not. "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" } "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash }"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" }Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. }Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. }Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. -- Anatole France }Religion is the opiate of the masses. Karl Marx }Religion: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce }Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. We find that the sexual instinct, when disappointed and unappeased, frequently seeks and finds a substitute in religion. - Baron Richard Von Krafft--Ebing }Remember Grasshopper... A flute without holes is not a flute, but a donut without a hole is a danish. -- The Wise Blind Sage -- }Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" }Remember the poor - it costs nothing. Josh Billings }Remember when we all wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor? Well, now I do. Carrie Snow }Remember when you point a finger Three fingers are pointing at you. }Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer }Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense! }Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you! }Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -- Dave Butler }Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. }Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. }Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. }Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his community." The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology." The resolution was passed unanimously. Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. }Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun }Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Wernher von Braun }Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. }RESPONSIBILITY: 1st: To seek the way to myself, to reach inner certainty, to grope my way forward, no matter where it leads. 2nd: Everything else comes out of this struggle. }Rest: Death after life. Edmund Spenser }Review Questions (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? }"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals" - "Oh, Lucky Man" - }Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. }Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. }"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." -- Steven Wright }Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. }Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. }Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" }ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. }Roses are red; Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, And so am I. }Rowe's Rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. Paul Dickson }Rubbing elbows with a man will reveal things about him you never suspected. The same thing is true of rubbing fenders. }Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure hairy fingers. }Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. }Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. }RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. } Rudy removed his hands from Nick's face. He picked up the half of the pencil with the point on it. He turned the paper over to the blank side. He tapped the empty white space with the tip of the pencil, and then tapped Nick. He did it again. And again. And again. And finally Nick understood. You are this blank page. Nick began to cry. Rudy came for the next six years. Stephen King "The Stand" }Rule 1: The boss is always right. Rule 2: When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. }Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. }Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. }Rule of Creative Research: (1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. }Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. }Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. }Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. }Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. }Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. }Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. }Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. }Rules for Academic Deans: (1) HIDE!!!! (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! -- Father Damian C. Fandal }Rules for driving in New York: (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. }RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. (2) Never leave the table hungry. (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. (4) Enjoy your food. (5) Enjoy your companion's food. (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can always eat it later. (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. (11) Avoid blue food. -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" }Rules: (1) The boss is always right. (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. }Sadly, the only time I have the strength to end a love affair is when I am no longer in love. } Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. (5) Exotic birds flock around you. (6) People ignore you at parties. (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. (8) You no longer get off on cocaine. } Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. }SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. }SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. }Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let P be a constant persuasion; "Let V over P be inverted With the square root of Mu inserted N times into V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. }Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. Ambrose Bierce }San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen }San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen }San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. }San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. }Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. -- Mark Harrold }Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie }Satellite Safety Tip #14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. }Satellite Safety Tip No.14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. }Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. }Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. }Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" }Save our virgin forests - buy a tree a chastity belt. }Save Soviet Jews! Collect them or trade them with your friends. }"Save your soul, Little Tony! Take Jesus as your saviour and save yourself from eternal Hellfire!" --- Jeremy Little, directed at me after I admitted being an agnostic. }"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright }SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson }Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure. }Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure. }Schlattwhapper, n.: The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Schnuffel, n.: A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed company. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Schwiggle, n.: The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed. Thomas Henry Huxley }"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof" Ashley Montague - }Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. -- Henri Poincaire }Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope. C.P. Snow }Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. }"Science may never come up with a better office communications system than the coffee break." -- Earl Wilson }Scientists are Peeping Toms at the keyhole of eternity. Arthur Koestler }Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. -- William Buckley }SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. }SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. }Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. }Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. }Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. }Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency. -- Richard Nixon }Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. }"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a multiline message byte. In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message must be sent passive true. The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: (1) The ANRS if DAV is false (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: (a) The LADS is active (b) Nor LACS is active" -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for Programmable Instrumentation }Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. }Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. }Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. }Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used. }Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. }SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. }Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographic material or material glorifying violence?" Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny." -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 }Senate, n.: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. -- Ambrose Bierce }Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. }Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. } "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll }Several excuses are always less convincing than one. Aldous Huxley }Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. JOSEPH FISCHER } Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner, you'd better have a good hand! }Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. }Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X }Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. }Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed. }Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. M.C. Reed. }Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen }Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Shamus, n.: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Now look who thinks he's nobody!" Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. }Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. }"She had her hands tied behind her back and was hung there on a tree. Her attackers used a three-foot long wooden club with a length of coarse rope tied to the end; the rope seemed to have been carefully soaked in water first. In the beginning the woman cried out sadly, but very quickly lost her breath and became completely silent. [He] could see only the faint twitching of the twisted little finger of her right hand ... only that slight trembling of one limb showed that she was not yet dead." - Chinese journalist Liu Binyan describing a woman being "criticized" by Communist Party officials in China. }She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. George Bernard Shaw }"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." -- Gypsy Rose Lee }"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." -- Gypsy Rose Lee }She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. -- Mark Twain }She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. Mark Twain }She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad. }She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle ... }She offered her honor, He honored her offer. And all through the night, It was honor and offer. }"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'" -- Morrisey }"She sings a high note like she'd stepped in a bear trap" ---Caloosa Belle Newspaper }She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. }"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." -- Samuel Johnson }SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! }Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! }Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. }Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet }Silence is better than unmeaning words. Pythagoras }Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. }Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. }Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. }Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. }"Since Brevity is the Soul of Wit, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief." - William Shakespeare (Hamlet act II) }Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe }"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned." D. Graeme }Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. -- John Sloan }Since we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob "Mountain" Beck }"SINCE WE'RE NEIGHBORS, LET'S BE FRIENDS." A Pulitzer prize has been awarded to the Wall Street Journal about the human suffering that went on behind Safeway's leveraged buyout by Kohlberg Kravis Roberts Company. This outfit immediately closed over 1000 stores leaving about 63,000 people out of work. Slashed wages from $12.09 an hour to $6.50. One worker suicide reported, there were probably more. "SINCE WE'RE NEIGHBORS, LET'S BE FRIENDS" ......Safeway }"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months for possession of a deadly weapon!" - cartoon by S. Harris - }Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. }Skepticism, like chastity should not be relinquished too readily. George Santayana }Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. }Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. }Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. }Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from chains. -- Frederick Douglass }Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. }Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. }Sloppy, raggedy-assed old life. I love it. I never want to die. Dennis Trudell }Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel }Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell }"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." -- Samuel Foote }So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever remember his Bible? }Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. }Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. }SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts. }Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. }Solitude: A good place to visit, but a poor place to stay. Josh Billings. (Henry Wheeler Shaw) }Some do, some don't. Some will, some won't. I might. }Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. -- Ed Howe }Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" }Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. }Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. William Dean Howells }Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." }Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. }Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson - }Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse. -- Avery }Some points to remember [about animals]: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions ordogs you have just kicked. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden Nash }Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. }Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. }Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner. }Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. SIGMUND FREUD }Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. Seneca }"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray." }Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin }"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" }Song Title of the Week: "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change in me." }Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). }Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }"Spare no expense to save money on this one." -- Samuel Goldwyn }Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. }Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. }Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! wow! wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" }Speak roughly to your little VAX, And boot it when it crashes; It knows that one cannot relax Because the paging thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! I speak severely to my VAX, And boot it when it crashes; In spite of all my favorite hacks My jobs it always thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! -- apologies to Lewis Carrol }Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -- Dave Millman }Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? }Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! Helpless users with projects due Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. -- Curtis Jackson }Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to Shut Up! -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" }Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it. }SPIDERS ALL OVER THE PLACE. HELP! Six downtown buildings in Los Angeles are crawling with dangerous spiders from South America. Called the loxosceles laeta (aka South American Violin Spider), officials are asking how they got there. The spiders bite can cause permanent scarring. In some countries, its bite has led to death. Shall we review the movie Arachnaphobia? }Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" }Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. }Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. }Statistics - figures used as arguments. Leonard Louis Levinson }Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. Aaron Levenstein }Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. PINK FLOYD }Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. }Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. }Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. }Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath ... }Stop the world...Nixon wants to get back on! David Fisher }"Stop! Don't sweat it. Simply move a few inches left or right to get a new viewpoint. Look...reality is greater than the sum of its parts, also a damn sight holier. And the lives of such stuff as dreams are made of may be rounded with a sleep but they are not tied neatly with a red bow. Truth doesn't run on time like a commuter train, though time may run on truth. And the Scenes Gone By and the Scenes To Come flow blending together in the sea-green deep while Now spreads in circles on the surface. So don't sweat it. For focus simply move a few inches back or forward. And once more... look:" -Ken Kesey, "Sometimes A Great Notion" }Strong reasons make strong actions. Shakespeare }STUDY OR DIE William Sagle, a Samford Alabama University debate coach was given a life sentence for stabbing to death his star student because he wasn't adequately prepared for the competition. }Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. }Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. }Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. }Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. }Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. }Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. }Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain }Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood. }Success has made failures of many men. Cindy Adams }Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started. }SUDAFED AND PUDDING RECALLED Sudafed has been pulled of of store shelved because of tampering. Someone is loading them with cyanide. So far two people have died. Jell-O Cook 'n Serve chocolate pudding has also been recalled because metal fragments have been found in some of the boxes. }Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar without his duck ... }Suicide stunts your growth. -- Vila Restal }Summer: When the highway authorities close all the regular roads and open up the detours. }Superstition is foolish, childish, primitive and irrational---but how much does it cost you to knock on wood? }Support striking Air Traffic Controllers And ugly ones too. }Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. RICHARD M NIXON }Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: Name # }Swahili, n.: The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. -- Johnny Hart }Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. }Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. }Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. }Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. }Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }System/3! System/3! See how it runs! See how it runs! Its monitor loses so totally! It runs all its programs in RPG! It's made by our favorite monopoly! System/3! }Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }T: One big monster, he called TROLL. He don't rock, and he don't roll; Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. -- The Roguelet's ABC }Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Abraham Lincoln }Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. }Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Howard W. Newton }Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. }Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. }Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. }Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. }Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" }Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. -- Kipling }Take off your hat to your yesterdays; take off your coat for your tomorrows. Proverb }Take what you can use and let the rest go by. KEN KESEY }Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy. "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" }TAKEN FROM THE GRAB BAG Ernest Vincent Wrights 1939 novel "Gadsby" is the longest example in English writing without an 'e". Went 50,000 words without using this vowel. }Talk of revolution is one of avoiding reality. J.K. Galbraith }Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripides }Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. Euripides }Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" }Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche }Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. Friedrich Nietzsche }Tall oaks from little acorns grow. David Everett }TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. }TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. }Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." Russell Long }Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself out of the market. }Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. }Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. }Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. }Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. }Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.) }Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. Aldous Huxley }Telephone, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. -- Ambrose Bierce }Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs }Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. }Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, Is those things arms, or is they legs? I marvel at thee, Octopus; If I were thou, I'd call me us. -- Ogden Nash }Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis }Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. R. Geis }Ten years of rejection slips is natures way of telling you to stop writing. }Teo torriatte konomama iko Aisuruhito yo Shizukana yoi ni Hikario tomoshi Itoshiki osheio idaki Let us cling together as the years go by Oh my love, my love In the quiet of the night Let our candle always burn Let us never lose the lessons we have learned --- Brian May, Guitarist of Queen From "Day at the Races" 1976 }"Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." -- A. E. Housman }"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." -- Len Cool, "American Pie" }Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). }"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." -- J. Finnegan, USC. }Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly }"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" -- Foghorn Leghorn }THAT CRACKER JACK PRIZE An 8-year-old girl in Huntington, W.Va., got a special prize out of her Cracker Jack box. It was a small booklet titled "Erotic Sex Positions Around The World." Only an inch square, the book was still large enough to have detailed drawings of people in various sex acts in various positions. The little girl asked her mommy if it was 'an exercise book'. }"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest" - Thoreau - }That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. -- Dorothy Parker }That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. Dorothy Parker }That's funny, I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping. -K. Kong }That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong }The ability to accept responsibility is the measure of the man. Roy L. Smith }The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. }The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. }The actions of your mate or close allies will help you to make an important decision. }The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper -- Thomas Jefferson }The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper-- Thomas Jefferson }The Advertising Agency Song: When your client's hopping mad, Put his picture in the ad. If he still should prove refractory, Add a picture of his factory. }"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it." -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 }The applause of a single human being is of great consequence. Samuel Johnson }The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. }The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. T. Lehrer }The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. -- Bill Murray }The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. Bill Murray }The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing. Sir Ralph Richardson }The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. William James }The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. -- Abraham Lincoln }The Atomic Age is here to stay - but are we? Bennet Cerf }The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. }The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. }The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. }"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything." -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore }The ballot is stronger than the bullet. Abraham Lincoln }The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project. }The bell invites me Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell That summons thee to heaven or to hell. Macbeth Act II Sc. I Line 62 }The best book on programming for the layman is 'Alice in Wonderland'; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. }The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. }The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields }The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. W. C. Fields }The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. }"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" }The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right. Quentin Hogg }The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. -- Will Rogers }"The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma." - Abraham Lincoln }The bigger they come the harder they fall. Robert Prometheus Fitzsimmons }The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst }The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. Merrick Furst }The biggest things are always the easiest to do because there is no competition. William Van Horne }The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street ... }The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone. Harriet Beecher Stowe }The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. }The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. }The brave man is known only in war; the wise man in anger; the friend in time of need. }The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. }The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. }The buck stops with the guy who signs the cheques. Rupert Murdoch }The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. -- Art Buchwald }The burden is equal to the horses strength. The Talmud }The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. }"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." }The camel has a single hump; The dromedary two; Or else the other way around. I'm never sure. Are you? -- Ogden Nash }The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. -- H. L. Mencken }"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." -- G. Fitch }The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic. }The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. -- Alfred Adler }The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. -- Russian Proverb }The city council of Rocky River, Ohio voted to drop an ordinance that allows only U.S. citizens to run game parlors. But mayor Earl Martin didn't want foreigners corrupting the local youth with their Space Invaders and Pac Man games. That's a job for Americans! He vetoed the measure. "We just want someone in charge who knows what the laws are," Martin said. "We don't expect a foreigner to know and defend these laws. They have taken no oath to the Constitution." }The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. }The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. }The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguishable from the food it produces. }The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis }The computing field is always in need of new cliches. Alan Perlis }The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by example of what it is not. }The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 }The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos. }The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country. -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 }The Consultant's Curse: When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong medicine, and is normally only required once. }The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. W.C. Fields }The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. }The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty }The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. John McNulty }The crash of the whole solar and stellar systems could only kill you once. Thomas Carlyle }The Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775 }The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. -- William Ellery Channing }The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Ellen Parr }The day of individual happiness has passed. Adolf Hitler }The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. }The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. }The decision is maybe and that's final. }The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. William James } The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight." }"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." Benjamin Disraeli }The difference between an orator and a bag of wind is whether you agree with him or not. }The difference between antiques and junk is who's running the garage sale. }The difference between art and science is that science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. }The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. }The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. Robert Heinlein }The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them ..." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. }The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid. -- Gilbert K. Chesterson }The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." }The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. -- Travis McGee }The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. }The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent. }The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann }"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not Compute' -- I forget which." -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. BUCKMINSTER FULLER }The end of the human race is that it will die of civilization. R.W. Emerson }The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson }The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow. }The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. G. B. Shaw }The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. }The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. Anonymous }The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one. George Bernard Shaw }The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men. -- Ambrose Bierce }The fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. Ogborn }The fact that it works is immaterial. L. Ogborn }THE FAMILY HOUR Larry and Carol Lasiko sat down with their children for a family viewing of The Story of Buttons the Bear, Rusty the Fox, and their Easter Adventures. What came on the screen? A STEAMY HARD CORE PORN. Summit Media Corporation is recalling over 20,000 copies of "Buttons". }The faster we go, the rounder we get. -- The Grateful Dead } "The fate of the inner solar system as the Sun becomes a red giant is grim enough. But at least the planets will never be melted and frizzled by an erupting supernova." --- Carl Sagan, _Cosmos_ }The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. ROGER LEVIAN }The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves. William Shakespeare }The feeling of friendship is like that of being comfortably filled with roast beef; love, like being enlivened with champagne - Samuel Johnson }The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. }The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. }The First Commandment for Technicians: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like manner. }The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman }The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. Abbie Hoffman }The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" }The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill. -- Robert Heller }The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If its just painted its still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" }The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. PAUL ERLICH }"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." -- McCloctnik the Lucid }The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson }The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important. Milo Bloom }The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. }The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant. Richard Cecil }The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. }The first time, it's a KLUDGE! The second, a trick. Later, it's a well-established technique! -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics }The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. ALAN COULT }The following is from Jerry Falwell's church bulletin: "A recent week-long guest on our Victory Today television program was Mr. Phil Phillips, author of the eye-opening book, 'Turmoil in the Toybox.' Throughout the week, Phil showed film clips from several of today's most popular cartoons. 'Blatantly satanic' is the only way they can be described. On Monday, He-Man and Masters of the Universe were exposed. Tuesday brought out Scooby-Doo and Thundercats. Wednesday's program was devoted to Dungeons and Dragons and She-rah. On Thursday, Phil's shocking subject was G.I. Joe, violence and martial arts. Finally on Friday, the Smurfs, Barbie and Care Bears were examined. }The following joke is being told by the Belgian comedian Urbanus van Anus: Yesterday I met a person who said, "Hey, did you know that since your show started on television, TV sales have doubled?" I beamed proudly, until he said, "Yes, I sold mine, too." }The following list was found in the possession of a murder suspect: 1. Go to school 2. Leave at 11:45 3. Pull up at mom's house 4. Enter/greet mom 5. Go to the bathroom. 6. Prepare knife and handkercheif 7. Go directly to mom. 8. When back is turned 9. Cover her mouth 10. Stab until dead 11. Cut off her left hand }The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. . . . Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge of the hyper-cube. }The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. }The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the number of your kids by 32 teeth. }THE FUNDALMENTALISTS DO IT AGAIN Pumsey, a blue hand-puppet dragon has been used in the 3rd - 5th grade elementary school in Madera to help improve a childs self- image. The kids read, sing, and discuss situations Punsey gets into. Such phrases used: "I am me, I am enough, I can choose how I feel." The Fundamentalists say no, no... it is teaching them they don't need God in their lives, and that they can solve problems without God's help. }The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. }The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory }The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. }The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today. }The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. }The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. }The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. }THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES The one who has the gold makes the rules. }THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES The one who has the gold makes the rules. }"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell." -- St. Augustine }The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. }The government has called off martial law in China. They have now established Peter Marshall law. They will ask the students several questions and if they don't answer correctly, the government gets the square. }"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion" George Washington - }The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases. -- Sir Josiah Stamp }The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. -- Benjamin Franklin. } The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! }The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one. Adolf Hitler } The great red hills stand desolate, and the earth has torn away like flesh. The lightening flashes over them, the clouds pour down upon them, the dead streams come to life, full of the red blood of the earth. Down in the valleys women scratch the soil that is left, and the maize hardly reaches the height of a man. They are valleys of old men and old women, of mothers and children. The men are away, the young men and the girls are away. The soil cannot keep them anymore. Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" }The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis }The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. }THE HANDICAP SCAM DMV is becoming very concerned about its parking permits for the handicapped. Seems counterfeiters are showing up and a handicapped parking sign can sell for as high as $250.00. And, as the CHP is finding out, if a handicapped loved one dies the sign is sometimes not turned in. Family members keep it and continue to use it. }The harder you work, the luckier you get. Gary Player }The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein }The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. Albert Einstein }The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. }The hardness of butter increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. }The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter. }The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. }The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. }The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. }The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers. }The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at least 5000 years old." }The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet, and steady, and loyal, and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if it is not asked to lend money. --- Mark Twain }The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". H. Allen Smith }"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and has gills through which it can see." -- Monty Python }The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. }The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. }The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it. P. Medawar }The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain }The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain }The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. -- Mark Twain }The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montagu }The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montague }The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. }"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." -- Franco Spisani }The ignorant man always adores what he cannot understand. Cesare Lombroso }"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." -- Henry Kissinger }"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." Henry Kissinger }The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. Albert Einstein }The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. -- Will Rogers }The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King }The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. -- Adam Walinsky }The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group. }The Joys of Aging I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I awake, Will Power helps me out of bed. When he leaves I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and ready to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a day! }"The karma is so thick around here you need an Aqualung to breathe!" -- Phantom of the Paradise }The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. }The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even. }The known is finite, the unknown infinite; intellectually we stand on an islet in the midst of an illimitable ocean of inexplicability. Our business in every generation is to reclaim a little more land. T.H. Huxley }The lack of something to feel important about could be the greatest tragedy I may have. }The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints ... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker }"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about drugs.' -- Roy Blount, Jr. }The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free. -- Henry David Thoreau }The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. Anatole France }"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own." -- H.G. Wells }The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. }The "legal definition" of atheism: This is from the court case which stopped Bible reading and prayer recitation in public schools... "Your petitioners are Atheists and they define their ideas as follows. An Atheist loves his fellow man instead of a god. An Atheist knows that heaven is something for which we should work now--here on earth--for all men together to enjoy. An Atheist knows that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find within himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it and to enjoy it. An Atheist knows that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment. "An Atheist seeks to know himself then and his fellow rather than to know a god. An Atheist understands that a hospital must be built instead of a church. An Atheist knows that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand, love and accept all of mankind. He wants an ethical way of life. He knows that we cannot rely on a god, channel action into prayer, or hope for an end to our troubles in a hereafter. He knows that we are not only our brother's keepers -- but keepers of our own lives foremost, that we are esponsible persons and that the job is here and the time is now." -- Murray v. Curlett, 374 US 203 (1963) } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours." The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. Here is a sample program: LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) SURE LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM REALLY LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) IM*SURE GOTO THE MALL When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! } THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?" }The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. }The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen }The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. -- Henry Kissinger }The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. Henry Kissinger }"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them." Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" }The makers may make and the users may use, but the fixers must fix with but minimal clues }"The man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." --- Henry David Thoreau American author (1817-1862) }The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. Alan Ashley-Pitt }The man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors is like a potato - the only good belonging to him is underground. Sir Thomas Overbury }The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it. Woodrow Wilson }THE MAN WHO PERFORMED HIS OWN LOBOTOMY He was really screwed up but not enough to institutionalize. One day, while real depressed, he told his mother he would like to die. Guess Mom had had it up to here with her kid so she says, "If your life is so wretched, just go shoot yourself. George, (the males name) thought it was a good idea. He stuck a 22 rifle barrel in to his mouth and pulled the trigger. The bullet took out the part of his brain that was raising all of the hell and George lived. George is now in college leading a normal life. Physicians Weekly referred to George's suicide as "successful radical surgery." }The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. -- Mark Twain. }The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. Jones' Law }The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. }The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. }The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. J PAUL GETTY } The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" }The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. -- Lew Mammel, Jr. }The "Metropolitan Indians" of Italy produced parodies of posters and graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties. Examples from 1972 include: "LONG LIVE SACRIFICE", "BOSSES' POWER", "MORE WORK, LESS PAY", and "ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT." }The middle of the road is where the white line is - And that's the worst place to drive. --- Robert Frost }The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking." }The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out. TENESSEE WILLIAMS }The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. -- Laurence J. Peter }The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. -- Nicol Williamson }The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. }"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost." -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" }The more I know about religion, the more I like video games. - Waylon }The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. Lao Tsu }The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. }The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -- Andy Warhol }The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. Andy Warhol }"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." -- Theodore H. White }The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." Isaac Asimov }The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. ALBERT EINSTEIN }The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. H P LOVECRAFT }The most popular labour saving device today is still a husband with money. Joey Adams }The most satisfying kind of gardening is planting yourself in a lawn chair. }The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. Theodore Roosevelt }The nation that is richest in proverbs (Spain) is the one that has proved itself the least wise in action. Joseph Jacobs }The nation's largest bank corporation wasn't accepting the kind of deposits 3-year-old Kyle Harris made in the middle of its Piedmont branch. He had begged to use the bank bathroom, but was told it was against company rules. So the little Oakland boy pulled down his pants and urinated on the carpet. The bank canceled the family checking accounts. }"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." -- D. Letterman }The National Coalition on Television Violence (NCTV) has expressed concern over the violent programs aired on Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), one of the largest cable TV networks in the nation. A recent NCTV study fount 17 of CBN's weekend broadcast hours contained the highest number of violent acts per hour of any network in America. Quite a few programs were also found to be high in alcohol portrayals and cigarette smoking. CBN defended its programming to NCTV saying it helps fund the CBN ministry and "thus brings more people to Christ." }The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! }The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! }The net of law is spread so wide, No sinner from its sweep may hide. Its meshes are so fine and strong, They take in every child of wrong. O wondrous web of mystery! Big fish alone escape from thee! -- James Jeffrey Roche }The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again. }The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Matthew 5:37 }"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country ..." -- Robert J Woodhead }The next time you're at a meeting, look around and identify the yes-butters, the not-nowers and the why-notters. Why-notters move the world. }The nice thing about buying beer is that no one ever asks what year you want. }The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. Andrew S. Tanenbaum }The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. Dennis M. Ritchie }The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function is to serve as checks upon the state. -- Alan Barth }The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct. -- Ralph Hartley }The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. }The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. }The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." }The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." }The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. }The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. -- H. L. Mencken }The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath. -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart }"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity." - Oscar Wilde - }The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. - Oscar Wilde }The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. }The only difference between an unclear war and a nuclear war is the way you use the UN. }The only function of behavior forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. }The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest Rutherford }The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. }"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" }The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless. Nicolas Chamfort }The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde }"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history." -- Hegel "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view." -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" }The only way round is through. Robert Frost }The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde }The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Oscar Wilde }The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide. }The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. }The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. NIELS BOHR }The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Bohr }The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine }The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine }The order and connection of ideas is the same as the order and connection of things. }"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time." -- Steven Wright }The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. }The paper burns, but the words fly away. Ben Joseph Akiba }The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) }The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. -- H. L. Mencken }The people came to realize that wealth is not the fruit of labour but the result of organized protected robbery. Frantz Fanon } The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The person who has everything usually sits next to you in the doctor's office. }The Pessimist's guide to Engineer-talk. (what they say - what they mean) "Ok, that's good" - What the hell was that noise?!? "We've noticed some failure evidence" - Something's burning... "If you'll just..." - I don't want to be the one to blame when it crashes "Yes, you'd expect to see that..." - Hell, that's stuffed as well! "We'll just fit a revision" - We'll put the same version in from a different tape. }The Pessimist's guide to Engineer-talk. (what they say - what they mean) "That's interesting" - Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before. "We'll just run diagnostics" - I wonder if that'll give us a clue. "So we've eliminated XXX" - It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at. "I've just powered it down" - I tripped over that bloody power cord again }The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. Ogden Nash }The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. -- Dizzy Dean }The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. -- David Lardner }The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing true distaste. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" }"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often." }The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash }The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter }The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us. -- Mario Cuomo }The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers }The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election. }The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme: Law Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials }The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. }The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. Glaser and Way }The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results. }The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. Elizabeth Taylor }THE PROGRAMMERS' CHEER? -- SHIFT TO THE LEFT, SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! }The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The Puritan's idea of Hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own business. - Attributed to Wendell Phillips (1811-1884) }"The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" }The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: "My brain is paged out to my liver" }The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but thats the way to bet. DAMON RUNYON }The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -but thats the way to bet. DAMON RUNYON }The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. }The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. }The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed. }The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. }The reason the government thinks you're just a number is because it's just a machine. }The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. Robert Frost }The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw }The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain }The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson }The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it. Ralph Waldo Emerson }The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift - is taxes. W. Feather }THE REWARD WAS FINDING IT "I don't care about the reward." said Cecil Hodder after finding a 2,000 year old treasure trove of coins, ingots and bracelets in England. It was the greatest hoard of Celtic gold and silver found in England. "All I'm interested in is history, and I don't want to be pestered by any more reporters." The treasure becomes the property of the British government. }The rhino is a homely beast, For human eyes he's not a feast. Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, I'll stare at something less prepoceros. -- Ogden Nash }The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. }The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. KARL MARX }The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. }"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts." -- Sheridan }The right man, in the right place, at the right time - can steal millions. Gregory Nunn }The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas }"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights you have and what rights you have not got." -- J. Parnell Thomas }The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with sloppy analysis! }The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. }The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. }The rubber-stamp legislature [of Panama] is considering a law that would forbid making fun of the physical features of public officials. This is evidently an attempt to protect the feelings of Noriega, who calls himself the "General of Peace and Hope." Jokes about Noriega's acne- scarred complexion would presumably be outlawed, as would the commonly used nickname for him -- "pineapple face" -- and T-shirts featuring a pineapple with a red slash through it. }The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. -- Jane Bryant Quinn }The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to put the other somewhat higher. Thomas Huxley }The saying that beauty is but skin deep is but a skin deep saying. John Ruskin }The scalded cat fears even cold water. Thomas Fuller }The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes 3. All but two of them were dead. }The scum also rises. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson }The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. Jean Giraudoux }The seen is the changing, the unseen is the unchanging. - Plato }The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. -- George Bernard Shaw } The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" }The Seventh Commandments for Technicians Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways. }The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. }The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Alito }The shortest distance between two points is under construction. Noelie Altito }The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. Rudyard Kipling }The simplest way to learn speed reading is to get an unexpected letter from the IRS. }The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.) -- Dan Roddick }"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." }The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader. }"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money." -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" }"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" }The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them. -- Nicolaides }The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from the Russians. -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 }The Soviet Union recently disclosed that 20% of its people live in poverty. Its satellie Hungary has confessed to a 25% poverty rate. By contrast, the U.S. official poverty rate is 13.5%. A family of four falls below the Soviet poverty line if they live on less than $500 a month. In the U.S., a family of four is considered to be living in poverty is they live on less than $1007 per month, or twice as much. } The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" }The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. } The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda }The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson }The steady state of disks is full. Ken Thompson } THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor }The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe. -- Mayor Frank Rizzo }"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever." }The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology. }"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there aren't even any property taxes." -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b }The successful revolutionary is a statesman, the unsuccessful one a criminal. Erich Fromm }The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" }The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire }The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. -- Henry Kissinger }The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark Twain }The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. }The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. Fran Lebowitz }The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. }The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 } The thing that makes you exceptional if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely. --Lorraine Hansberry }The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. }The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. }The thoughtless are rarely wordless. Howard W. Newton }The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. }The three laws of thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. }"The Three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his religious opinions, and his Money." - Samuel Butler, English Writer, 1874 }The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. }The tree in the winter is like The lines on my father's face Or like the paths I tried to take When I was young and searching For one clear understanding. In every branch I found a smaller branch leading me Towards many ends and many sorrows. Too fragile to bear my weight, All my branches broke And I fell to the earth confused. I saw the tree in winter Reaching towards the sky With bare branches tangled Like so many paths and yet Each path had a purpose, Leading back to the roots of the tree. -- Nancey Wood }The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash. }The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat Ogden Nash. }The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. }The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones }The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. }The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. }The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. -- Ken Kesey }The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you'r still a rat. Lily Tomlin }The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself, but in the colours and textures that come alive in others. Albert Schweitzer }The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. -- Lenny Bruce }The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. }The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. Ogden Nash }The two important things I did learn were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavor is taking the first step, making the first decision. --Robyn Davidson }The two most beautiful words in the English language are: 'Cheque enclosed.' Dorothy Parker }"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." } The Tyger Tyger! Tyger! burning bright In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, and what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat, What dread hand? and what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain? In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what the dread grasp Dare its deadly terrors clasp? Whe the stars threw down their spears And watered heaven with their tears, Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the lamb make thee? Tyger! Tyger! burning bright In the forests of the night, What immortal hand or eye Dare frame they symmetry? --- William Blake }The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. Oscar Wilde }The ultimate goal of the educational system is to shift to the individual the burden of pursuing his education. John W. Gardner }The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. Martin Luther King, Jr. }THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown - you do not know what you will find. }The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness, and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. Aristotle }The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are "100 percent American"... -- U. S. Army (1945) }The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. -- Jim Samuels }The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken. }The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the combination is locked up in the safe. -- Peter DeVries }The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." }The unnatural, that too is natural. GOETHE }The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar }The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. -- E. W. Dijkstra }The value of knowledge lies not in its accumulation, but in its utilization. }The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes the worst cigars. -- H. L. Mencken }The very atmosphere of firearms everywhere restrains evil interference, they deserve a place of honor with all that is good. -- George Washington }The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark Twain }The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" }The victor belongs to the spoils. F. Scott Fitzgerald }The victor will never be asked if he told the truth. Adolf Hitler }"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:" } The War Against the Trees The man who sold his lawn to standard oil Joked with his neighbors come to watch the show While the bulldozers drunk with gasoline, Tested the virtue of the soil, Under the branchy sky By overthrowing the first pivot row. Forsythia-forays and hydrangea raids Were but preliminaries to a war Against the great grandfathers of the town, So freshly lopped and maimed. They struck again and again, And with each elm a century went down. All the say the hirelings engines charged the trees, Subverting them by hacking underground In the grub-dominions, where dark summer's mole Rampages through his halls, Till a northern seizure shook Those crowns, forcing the giants to their knees. I saw the ghosts of children at their games Racing beyond their childhood in the shade And while the green world turned it's death-foxed page And a red wagon wheeled, I watched them disappear Into the suburbs of their grievous age. Ripped from the craters much too big The club-rootd bared their amputated coils. Raw gorgons matted blind whose pocks and scars Cried Moon! on a corner lot One witness-moment caught In the rear-view mirrors of the passing cars. -- Stanley Kunitz }"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." Alexander Haig }"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune." }The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go, John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no, in China they only persecute intellectuals'. }The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. WAVY GRAVY }THE WHOLE JURY HAS TO LOOK AT MY PENIS? In Athens, Georgia, a man tried for the molestion of a 16 year old boy had to drop his pants in front of the whole jury to prove his innocence. The boy testified the molester was circumsized. The accused had to prove he was not guilty because he had a foreskin. Not guilty! }The whole point of this sentence is to make clear what the whole point of this sentence is. Douglas R Hofstadter }The wind and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. Edward Gibbon }The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, Like Jaspar wine and sugar, It must have blown through someone's feet, Like those of Caspar Weinberger. -- P. Opus } THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. }The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck. Ralph Waldo Emerson }The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! }The world is divided into men who accomplish things and those who get all the credit. Proverb }The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. Robert Frost }The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. Robert Frost }The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. FATHER ROBERT F CAPON }The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful -- Frederick Locker-Lampson }The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. }The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some. -- Dwight MacDonald } Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams }Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" }Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" }"Then he came back out. And I was sitting in a chair by the window and he started to walk across the room. I said, 'Oh my goodness, now he's coming over. What am I going to do?' ... And -- I realized then at that point that he actually wasn't coming over to see me, that he was going for the jelly beans." -- Fawn Hall describing an encounter with Ronald Reagan in the anteroom outside the Oval Office, to Barbara Walters. }Then here's to the City of Boston, The town of the cries and the groans. Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. -- Franklin Pierce Adams } THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker }"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true." - Winston Churchill - }There are fathers who do not love their children; there is no grandfather who does not adore his grandson. -- Victor Hugo }There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so. --- Edward Peony, "The Stupidity Of Man And Rules" }There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. }There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend. }There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis are chosen correctly. }There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "succeeds." }There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson }"There are old pilots; there are bold pilots. But there are no old AND bold pilots!" -- Anonymous }There are only two things a child will share willingly--communicable diseases and his mother's age. Benjamin Spock }There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. }There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. -- Gloria Steinem }There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of America, with all of the military strength of America, those revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas } There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" }There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? }There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. Robert Half }"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them" - Heisenberg - }There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. - Heisenberg - }There are those that say, and those that do. Andrew Campbell }"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII }There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli }There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. Disraeli }There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior }"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain." -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 }There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. }There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and all that lie between. Jody Kern }There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I can't remember. -- Italo Svevo }There are three things I have always loved and never understood - art, music, and women. }There are three ways to get something done: (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it. }There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 3. Forbid your kids to do it. }There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. }There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them. }There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something. (There is less competition in the second category.) }"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley -- Unix and LSD. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." }There are two sorts of losers -- the good loser, and the one who can't act. }There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen }"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." -- C. A. R. Hoare }"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope." Oscar Wilde }There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. }There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. }There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. }There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. -- R. W. Gerard }There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry Kissinger }There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger }There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. -- Steele's Law }There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. }There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. -- Anatole France }There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. }There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. }There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April. }There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. -- Walt Disney }There is a remedy for everything; it is called death. Portuguese Proverb }"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland." -- Adolf Hitler }There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" }There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy }"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum." -- Arthur C. Clarke }"There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here." }There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain }There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain }There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. Francis Bacon }There is no force so powerful as an idea whose time has come. Everett Dirkson }There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. }"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977 }There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it -- G. B. Shaw }There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it G. B. Shaw }There is no time like the pleasant. George Bergman }There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. }There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. } There is not much talking now. A silence falls upon them all. There is no time to talk of hedges and fields, or the beauties of any country. Sadness and fear and hate, how they well up in the heart and mind, whenever one opens the pages of these messengers of doom. Cry for the broken tribe, for the law and the custom that is gone. Aye, and cry aloud for the man who is dead, for the woman and children bereaved. Cry, the beloved country, these things are not yet at an end. The sun pours down on the earth, on the lovely land that man cannot enjoy. He knows only the fear of his heart. --Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" }There is nothing I'm afraid of like scared people. Robert Frost }There is nothing so fatal to character as half-finished tasks. David Lloyd George }There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. Peter F. Drucker }"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'" }There is nothing women hate so much as to see men selfishly enjoying themselves without the solace of feminine society. Katharine Tynan Hinkson }There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. -- Ross MacDonald }There is only one success, to be able to spend your life in your own way. Christopher Morley }There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde }There is something better than victory, and that is the avoidance of war. }There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. Mark Twain }There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. R.W. Emerson }There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. }There once was a member of Mensa Who was a most excellent fencer. The sword that he used Was his -- (line is refused, And has now been removed by the censor). }There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. }"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia }"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia }There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. }There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would never do better than t h i s . }There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside. }There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." }There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." }"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial." -- David Letterman }There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 15-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? }There were the Scots Who kept the Sabbath And everything else they could lay their hands on. Then there were the Welsh Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. Thirdly there were the Irish Who never knew what they wanted But were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English Who considered themselves a self-made nation Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. }There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. Charles M. Schulz }There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. John Erskine }There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence. }There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence. }There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. }There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell? -- Dorothy Parker }There's no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact, it's all dark. --- Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon }There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw. -- Walt Kelly }There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who }There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. Dr. Who }There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. }There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. Will Rogers }"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead armadillos." -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner }There's nothing wrong with growing older, but where does it lead? }"There's nothing wrong with killing people, as long as the right people get killed." - Dirty Harry }"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate." }There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. Clint Eastwood }There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. Lily Tomlin }"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!" }These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. }They asked me "what was the most beautiful thing you saw while in space?" I said "A urine-dump at sunset." - Michael Collins, Apollo Astronaut, on a talk show. }"They make a desert and call it peace." -- Tacitus (55?-120?) }They say a reasonable amount o' fleas is good for a dog -- keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog mebbe. Edward Noyes Westcott }They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. Mark Twain }They talk most who have the least to say. Matthew Prior }"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 }They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made. A true freak must be born. - K. Dunn, "Geek Love" }They told me it would disrupt my life less if I got killed sooner. Joseph Heller }They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results About a month before. Their hair began to curl The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this To pass where they had failed For it must ever be And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. My notion was to start again Ignoring all they'd done We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. }They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" }"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like." -- Avon }Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. DWIGHT D EISENHOWER }Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. }Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. }Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". }"Think wrongly if you please, but in ALL cases, think for yourself." --- Gotthold Lessing, German dramatist-critic (1729-1781) }THINK! or THWIM! }"Thirty days hath Septober, April, June, and no wonder. all the rest have peanut butter except my father who wears red suspenders." }This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. }"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ..." }"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." -- Bob Violence }"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" }This is a true story. Last night I was in a minor accident on the highway. We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other guy's breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot. When the cops finally showed up, I told one of them this and he said, "and just how do *you* know what pot smells like". I told him I used to use it before I was nominated to the Supreme Court. }THIS IS B-I-G.....AND I MEAN GOD-DAMNED B-I-G. Out in space of course. Astronomers have found a mysterious object about 100 BILLION times as massive as the sun. They say it is either the largest black hole ever discovered or a completely new phenomenon. The objects mass is roughly equal to that of all the stars in the Milky Way galaxy. This was reported in April's issue of the Astro- physical Journal. }"THIS IS DIAL-A-PORN. GIVE YOUR NAME AND PASSWORD." Could end up being like bulletin boards. You will have to sign up to gain access. "Give your 'REAL' name please." This was tried on east coast dial-a-porns...They went out of business almost immediately. }This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. -- A. E. Housman }"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one." -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 }THIS IS ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO THE OTHER GUY Say, like locking yourself out of your car. If it is any consolation, CSAA (nationally) answers about 1,000 lockouts a day. And, if lockout costs are figured up for an annual total, it costs about six and a half million bucks for peoples stupidity. Keep an extra key handy. }THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... }This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the power of computers: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that one should eat each day: 1/2 chicken 1 egg 1 glass of skim milk 27 heads of lettuce. -- Rev. Adrian Melott }This is the story of the bee Whose sex is very hard to see You cannot tell the he from the she But she can tell, and so can he The little bee is never still She has no time to take the pill And that is why, in times like these There are so many sons of bees. }This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.... and now you know why. }"This is when wood paneling was popular." -- Derelict Dan "What year is it Dan?" -- Jeff Hunter }This land is full of trousers! this land is full of mausers! And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! -- Firesign Theater }This land is made of mountains, This land is made of mud, This land has lots of everything, For me and Elmer Fudd. This land has lots of trousers, This land has lots of mousers, And pussycats to eat them When the sun goes down. }"This land's so poor a hound dawg has to lean on a fence post to raise a bark." ---Caloosa Belle Newspaper }This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. }This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. }This line from Shakespeare has delusions of grandeur. Douglas R Hofstadter }"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." Arthur Dent }This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. -- Dorothy Parker }This organization (the United Nations) is created to prevent you from going to hell. It isn't created to take you to heaven. Henry Cabot Lodge }This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. Douglas Adams }"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like." -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 }This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one computer language to another and has a built-in editing system which identifies errors in the original program. }This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Hofstadter }This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. YOU SHOULD: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. }This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction." On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander. Soldier to commander: "Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!" Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis. }This was in the Dear Abby column in today's paper. Calorie Counter's Prayer The Lord is my shepard I shall not want. He maketh me lie down and do push-ups He giveth me sodium free bread. He restoreth my waistline. He leadeth me past the refrigerator for mine own sake he maketh me to partake of green beans instead of potatoes he leadeth me past the pizzeria yeah though I walk through the bakery I shall not falter for thou art with me. They diet colas comfort me. Thou preparest a diet for me in the presence of mine enemies Thou anointest my lettuce with low-cal oil. My cup will not overflow. Surely Ry-Krisp and D-Zerta shall follow me all the days of my life And I will live with the pains of hunger forever. Amen }This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. }This year's new Baby Jesus Doll -- available in three models (Anglo, black, Hispanic) -- comes with battery-operated Glo-in-the-Dark halo. The cost: $31.50 } Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" }Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. }Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. }Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. }"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." -- French Proverb }Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. -- Henry Spencer }Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle }Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. -- Mark B. Cohen }Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. }Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. John F. Kennedy }Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. -- Frederick Douglass }Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. Ralph Waldo Emerson }Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. --- Ben Franklin }"Throughout the early Christian period, every great calamity -- famine, earthquake, and plague -- led to mass conversions, another indirect influence by which epidemic diseases contributed to the destruction of classical civilization. Christianity owes a formidable debt to bubonic plague and to smallpox, no less than to earthquake and volcanic eruptions." --- Hans Zinsser, Rats, Lice and History, 1934 }Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana }Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. -- Ford Prefect }Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. GRAFFITI }Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. }Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him. Herbert Spencer }Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT }Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. } To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog }To attack a man for talking nonsense is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp and jumping in after him with a knife. Karl Popper }To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. }To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flinstone }To be is to do. - Aristotle To do is to be. - Nitzche Do be do be do. - Sinatra }To be or not to be. - Shakespeare Yabba Dabba Do. - Flintstone }"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to offer in response is based on information available to make no such statement." }To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. }To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. }To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. - Josh Billings }To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job. Simone de Beauvoir }To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. }To do is to be - Nietzsche To be is to do - Sartre Do be do be do - Sinatra }TO DO IS TO BE Socrates TO BE IS TO DO Sartre DO BE DO BE DO Sinatra }To do is to be. -- Nietzsche To be is to do. -- Kant Do be do be do. -- Sinatra }"To Do Is To Be." ----- Plato "To Be Is To Do." ----- Voltaire "Do Be Do Be Do." ----- Sinatra }To do nothing is also a good remedy. Hippocrates }"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer" - Morris Kingston - }To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. Elbert Hubbard }To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. -- B. Duggan }To generalize is to be an idiot. -- William Blake }To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent. }To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison }To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. Thomas Edison }To know the world one must construct it. CESARE PAVESE }To lose Is to learn. Anon. }To make tax forms true they should read 'Income Owed Us' and Incommode You'. }To our Son: Whenever we miss you we do something that makes us believe you're still here.... We mess up your room. }To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother. Victor Hugo }To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. Warren's Rule }To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research }To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. }To teach is to learn. Japanese Proverb }To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a test load. }To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" }"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" }"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen }Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. }"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." -- Bob & Ray }Toilet Toupee, n.: Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly. } "Tom, can you hear me?" Stu asked. "Yes, I can hear you," Tom said, and the quality of his voice made Stu look up sharply. It was different from Tom's usual voice, but in a way Stu could not quite put his hand to. It reminded him of something which had happened when he was eighteen, and graduating from high school. They had been in the boy's locker room before the ceremony, all the guys he'd been going to school with since...well the first day of the first grade in at least four cases, and almost as long in many others. And for just a moment he had seen how much their faces had changed between those old days, those first days, and that moment of insight, standing on the tile floor of the locker room with the black robe in his hands. That vision of change had made him shiver then, and it made him shiver now. The faces he had looked into had no longer been the faces of children...but neither had they been the faces of men. They were faces in limbo, faces caught perfectly between two well-defined states og being. This voice, coming out of the shadowland of Tom's subconscious, seemed liked those faces, only infinitely sadder. Stu thought it was the voice of the man forever denied. --- Stephen King, "The Stand" } "Tom," Ralph said suddenly. "Do you know if Mother Abagail... if she's still alive?" Ralph's face was desperately set, the face of a man who has staked everything on one turn of the cards. "She's alive." Ralph leaned against the back of his chair with a great gust of reath. "But she's not right with God yet," TOm added. "Not right with God? Why not, Tommy?" "She's in the wilderness, God has lifted her up in the wilderness, she does not fear the terror that flies at noon or the terror that creeps at midnight... neither will the snake bite her nor the bee sting her... but she's not right with God yet. It was not the hand of Moses that brought water from the rock. It was not the hand of Abagail that turned the waesels back with their bellies empty. She's to be pitied. She will see, but she will see too late. There will be death. His death. She will die on the wrong side of the river. She ---" "Stop him, "Ralph groaned. "Can't you stop him?" "Tom," Stu said. "Yes." "Are you the same Tom that Nick met in Oklahoma? Are you the same Tom we know when you're awake?" "Yes, but I am more than that Tom." "I don't understand." He shifted a little, his sleeping face calm. "I am God's Tom." --- Stephen King, "The Stand" }Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syallable of recorded time; And all of our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. William Shakespeare "Macbeth" }Too caustic? To hell with the cost; we'll make the picture anyway. - Attributed to Samuel Goldwyn }Too clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash }Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West }Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Mae West }Too much of everything is just enough. -- Bob Wier }Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. -- Governor Jerry Brown } Top 10 Iranian T-shirt Slogans 10. IRAQ Busters 9. Surf Straits of Hormuz 8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists and all I got was this lousy T-shirt 7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue 6. Official veil inspector 5. Kiss me I'm a walking time bomb 4. I've been tested for sand chiggers 3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself on fire and run into an enemy tank ... but it sure helps 2. If you don't ride a camel you ain't shiite 1. Spuds Khomenini: The original party animal -- David Letterman }Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. Please... CONSERVE GRAVITY Follow these simple suggestions: (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling. (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile. (6) Stop flipping pancakes }Topologists are just plane folks. Pilots are just plane folks. Carpenters are just plane folks. Midwest farmers are just plain folks. Musicians are just playin' folks. Whodunit readers are just Spillaine f }Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. }Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. - Han Solo }Trouble is only an opportunity in work clothes. Henry J. Kaiser }Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. }Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen }Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. Henrik Tikkanen }Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis best suited to open the way to the next better one. Konrad Lorenz }Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to stick to what you can make people believe is the truth. }Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. -- Mark Twain }Truth is with the victor - who, as you know, also controls the historians. Rolf Hochhuth }Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) } "Truth, like light, is dazzling. By contrast, untruth is a beautiful sunset that enhances everything." }Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz }Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. Charles Schulz }Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. }Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT }Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. }Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. -- Amrom Katz }Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. }Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. -- Alan Watts }Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. }Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. }"Turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer. Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world. The blood-dimmed time is loosed and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned. The best lack conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity." -- William Yeats, from _The Second Coming_. }Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. }Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. }TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright }TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright }Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. -- Walt Kelly }Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel } Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." }Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and must pay three silver pieces." }"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. I forget the second." }U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! Run right up and rub its horn. Look at all those points you're losing! UMBER HULKS are so confusing. -- The Roguelet's ABC }"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) }"Ubung macht der meister." "Practice makes the master." -- German proverb }Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity. R. I. Fitzhenry }"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" MacNelley, "Shoe" }Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. }Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. }Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison. -- Henry David Thoreau }Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP) }Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... }Under Vermont law dead animals are considered solid waste and should be incinerated or tossed into an approved landfill. But when state inspectors ordered a vetrinary clinic to clean up a pit that it had been using to bury dead pets, someone pointed out that the state wildlife department had 40 such pits for deer, moose, and other "road kills." Somehow that's different. State officials are rewriting the rules so that a loophole is left for themselves. }Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. }Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. }UNDERSTANDABLE ACTION..BUT STILL ARRESTED Pissed off at his computer, a 35-year-old New Jersey man pumped 8 shots into it using a 44-Magnum automatic. Was surprised when he was arrested. Couldn't see why it was illegal to deal such justice in his own manner even it if was an illegal discharge of a firearm. }Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. }Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larson }"Unfinished business" is usually finished -- you just didn't like the way it came out. }United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. Isaac Asimov }Universe, n.: The problem. }University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... }UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). -- Andy Tannenbaum }Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. }Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.- H. L. Mencken }Use it up ... Wear it out. Make it do ... Or do without. US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE }User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. }User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. }Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S. C. Johnson }Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson }Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. }Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. }Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... -- Tom Chapin }Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. }Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. }Vanilla, adj.: Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot and sour won ton soup. }Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. }Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. }Veni, Vidi, Visa. "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" } "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" }Verily, when the day of judgment comes, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done. Thomas A. Kempis }Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. }Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." }Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin }Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Salvor Hardin }Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. }Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard. }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. }VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. }Virtue, perhaps, is nothing more than politeness of soul. Honore de Balzac }Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. }"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain }"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." Mark Twain }Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" } Walk on a rainbow trail; walk on a trail of song, And all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. ---Navajo song }War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague }War hath no fury like a non-combatant. C.E. Montague } WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves. }WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. }Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up. -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 }Washington (AP) -- The Army, alarmed by the number of soldiers who are being run over in their sleep by tanks and other vehicles, has started a safety campaign and demanded stricter disciplinary action by officers against personnel who ignore safety guidelines. }WASHINGTON (UPI) -- Marijuana will be the nation's third-largest cash crop this year -- behind corn and soybeans -- with a value of more than $10 billion. }Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy }Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy }Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack. George S. Patton }Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. }Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. }We always love those who admire us, but we do not always love those whom we admire. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr }We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -- Oscar Wilde }We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. OSCAR WILDE }We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston Churchill }We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog }We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" }We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. Pogo }We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? -- Fidel Castro }We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. DWIGHT D EISENHOWER }We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves. Johann von Goethe }We are not punished for our sins, but by them. }We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem! }"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem." -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. }We are what we pretend to be. KURT VONNEGUT, JR }We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom. Michel de Montaigne }We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. }We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. -- James E. Day, Postmaster General }We cannot unthink unless we are insane. Arthur Koestler }"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" -- Vroomfondel }We die only once, and for such a long time. Moliere }We do not recommend the use of 'roman numerals' in western electric information. }We do not talk - we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests. Henry Miller }We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. }We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! }We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish. JOHN CULKIN }We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission }We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Haleleuia ..." -- Monty Python }"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Walt Kelly (in POGO) - }We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly }We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly }We have met the enemy, and he is us. Walt Kelly }We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have. }"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." Lily Tomlin }We have the power to make this the best generation of mankind in the history of the world - or to make it the last. John F. Kennedy }We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them. Abigail Adams }We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have done. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow }"We live in an age where people would rather be envied than esteemed; and when that happens, God help us." -- Trudeau }We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. -- Alan M. Turing }We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. }"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately" - Benjamin Franklin - }We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. -- F. G. Withington }We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears. La Rochefoucald }We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. }We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller }We stand for the maintenance of private property. Adolf Hitler }We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing the unbelievable for so long with so little, that we now attempt the IMPOSSIBLE with nothing. }We triumph without glory when we conquer without danger. Pierre Corneille }We were born with two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with... Success or failure depends upon which we use most! } We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. ... "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition }We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. }we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, we will cry over things we used to laugh & our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild winds & new friends will be. }We wish to attract praise to ourselves even as we seem to be praising others. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna And a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell Smart }We're only in it for the volume. -- Black Sabbath }We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. Andy Rooney }Weed - a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered. R.W. Emerson }Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. }WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. }Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. }Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. }Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. }Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. }Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. }Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. }Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. }Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. }Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food. -- Dean McLaughlin. }WELCOME TO THE FRIENDLY SKIES It's Japanese ingenuity. Nippon Airways will provide video games to travellers, both children and adults, to help them while the time away on long trips. }"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." -- The Mahabharata. }Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile }"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] }Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. -- Core Dumped Blues }"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." -- Dr. Who }Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." }Wer Visionen hat, braucht einen Arzt. (If you have visions you need a doctor.) Franz Vranitzky Prime Minister of Austria }Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. }Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. }Westport, Connecticut officials won't grant Arnold Kaye a liquor licence because his store is within 1500 feet of another establishment that has a liquor licence. People can buy beer in the delicatessen part of his store but can't drink it there, and they can bring in their own beer and wine when they eat in the restaurant part, but they can't buy beer in the deli and drink it in the restaurant! Kaye got fed up with the silly rules and started giving away beer and wine by the case. So far, that's not illegal. }Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. }What a man says drunk he has thought sober. - Flemish proverb }"What are we going to do?" "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a short initiation period." }"What are you doing?" "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation period." }"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!" - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian - }"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. }What do you want for free, your money back? -- Waylon } "What does he look like, Tom?" Tom didn't speak for a long time. Stu had decided he wasn't going to answer and he was preparing to go back to the 'script' when Tom said: "He looks like anybody you see on the street. But when he grins, birds fall dead off of telephone lines. When he looks at you a certain way, your prostate goes bad and your urine burns. The grass yellows up and dies where he spits. He's always outside. He came out of time. He doesn't know himself. He has the name of a thousand demons. Jesus knocked him into a herd of pigs once. His name is Legion. He's afraid of us. We're inside. He knows magic. He can call wolves and live in the crows. He's the king of nowhere. But he's afraid of us. He's afraid of...inside." Tom fell silent. --- Stephen King, "The Stand" }What does not destroy me, makes me strong. Friedrich Nietzsche }"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George." -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA }What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? }What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? } "What I think is this; all the misconceptions about sexuality will straighten out if everyone simply grows up. For a grown-up human being, what's good in bed is to be with another human being one truly cares about. And, what one cares about in bed is exactly the same as what one cares about out of bed... honesty, imagination, a little mischief, and a lot of kindness." }What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. }"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a }What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi }What is a magician but a practising theorist? Obi-Wan Kenobi }What is defeat? Nothing but education, nothing but the first step toward something better. Wendell Phillips }What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 }What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. }"What is the Nature of God?" CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 1/2 CUT CHIVES. STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." -- Bloom County }"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" -- Bertold Brecht }"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" Bertold Brecht }"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite." -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 }What is worse is that the universe doesn't die with us. Callously and immortally it continues onward in its cyclic changes, adding to the infury of death the insult of indifference. Isaac Asimov - Robot Visions }What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. }What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure. Samuel Johnson }What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself. Abraham Lincoln }What maintains one vice would bring up two children. --- Ben Franklin }What makes old age so sad is not that our joys but our hopes cease. Jean Paul Richter }What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. }What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. }What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. }What one says about another, says more about one than it does about the other. }What passes for optimism is most often the effect of intellectual error. Raymond Aron }What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. }What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." -- Susan Gordon }What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin }What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?- Ursula K. LeGuin } "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" }WHAT THE HELL? This Muhmud Jamal guy...Police arrested him after a high speed chase in a stolen car, shot him as he tried to pull a gun, found rooms full of stolen goods in his apartment has now appeared in court pleading not guilty. }What this country needs is a set of brakes that will stop the car behind us and a scale that takes off five pounds for good intentions. }WHAT TO DO WITH OLD BOWLING BALLS It's not exactly recycling. In Thousand Oaks, six bowling balls have been rolled down a street near Meadows Elementary school, reaching speeds of 50 - 60 miles per hour. So far, no one has been hurt. }What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" }What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" }What worth has beauty if it be not seen? Proverb }What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others. Confucius }What you make of your life is up to you. You have all of the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. }"What's another word for Thesaurus?" -- Steven Wright }What's not worth doing is not worth doing well. Don Hebb } "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" }"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" -- Dr. Who }"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" -- The Doctor }Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen }Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean? }Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon }"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!" -- Mom }When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. -- Robespierre }When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him, that's where the money is. Robespierre }When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money. Kin Hubbard }When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. -- Kim Hubbard }When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? }When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. Friedrich Nietzsche }When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. Robert Heinlein }When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" }When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984) was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to run for it and said that they would cover his getaway. }When a woman behaves like a man why doesn't she behave like a nice man. Dame Edith Evans }When an idea is wanting a word can always be found to take its place. J.W. von Goethe }"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" -- Reuben Flagg }When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." -- Vine Deloria, Jr. }When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. MAE WEST }When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one Ive never tried before. MAE WEST }When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. }When garbage is put into a computer, garbage will come back out, but that garbage having passed through an expensive machine has somehow become enobled and not to be argued with. }When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. }When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets! }When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. Anon. }When I become what others want me to be in order to be liked, have security, and be loved, then I loose my sense of self. }When I find true wisdom, I'll let you know, (if letting you know still seems important.) }"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." -- Steven Wright }When I reach for the stars, I may not quite get one, but I won't come up with a handful of mud either. }When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. }When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. AL CAPONE }When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow } When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have him around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain }When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come and get you." -- Jerry Lewis }"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" -- Steven Wright }When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen }When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" }When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. -- Mark Twain }When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" }When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better. Mae West }"When in doubt, tell the truth." -- Mark Twain }"When in doubt, tell the truth." Mark Twain }When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson }When in doubt, use brute force. Ken Thompson }When in panic, fear and doubt, Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. }When it is dark enough you can see the stars. R.W. Emerson }When Love is gone, there's always Justice. And when Justice is gone, there's always Force. And when Force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi Mom! - Laurie Anderson, O Superman }When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. }"When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses." --- Shirley Chisholm Former member of Congress }When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge }When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. Calvin Coolidge } When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark. --- that was Leadership Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to." --- that was Management }When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. }When one does not know what to say, it is a time to be silent. }When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind it less and less." -- Louise Andrews Kent }When our hatred is violent, it sinks us even beneath those we hate. --- La Rochefoucauld }When people say, "That's the way the ball bounces," they're usually the ones who dropped it. }When policy fails try thinking. American Business Maxim }When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. -- Daniel B. Luten }When Reagan saw Samuel Pierce (the only black member of his cabinet -- the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development) at a meeting of big city mayors, he greeted him with "How are you Mr. Mayor? I'm glad to meet you. How are things in your city?" }When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. }When saving for old age, be sure to put away a few pleasant thoughts. Proverb }When skinning your customers, you should leave some skin on to grow so that you can skin them again. - Nikita Sergeyevich Krushchev (1894-1971) To British businessmen, 1961 }When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy. Stanislaw Lec }When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. }When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion. Ethiopian proverb }"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" -- Jon Carroll }When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. }When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. }When the lay public rallies round to an idea that is denounced by distinguised but elderly scientists and supports the idea with great fervour and emotion, the distinguised but elderly scientists are then, after all, right. Isaac Asimov }When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" }When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- Voltaire }When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" }When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly. -- Donald Douglas }When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. }When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. }When they come for the innocent without crossing over your body, cursed be your religion and your life. Anon. }When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw }When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. Thomas Paine }When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our fingertips will have been singed. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 }When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. H.L. Mencken }When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. }When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal. -- Amrom Katz }When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized. }When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. }When you get what you want in your struggle for self and the world makes you king for a day, just go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what THAT man has to say. For it isn't your father or mother or wife who judgement upon you must pass the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass Some people may think you a straight-shootin chum but the man in the glass says you're only a bum if you can't look him straight in the eye He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest for he's with you clear to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test if the man in the glass is your friend You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life and get pats on your back as your pass. But your final reward will be heartache and tears if you've cheated the man in the glass. }When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. -- Harry Truman }When you have nothing to say, say nothing. Charles Caleb Colton }When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. R. A. Lafferty }"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war }When you hear what I just found out, you'll never look the same way at a bird or bee again! }When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet. Stanislaw Lec }When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't know the answer either. -- Edgar R. Fiedler }When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal }When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. The Wall Street Journal }When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research. Wilson Mizner }When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make. }When you win, nothing hurts. Joe Namath }When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" }When you're up to your hips in alligators, You forget the original project was to drain the swamp. }"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel" H. L. Mencken - }Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Dave Parnas }Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". Dave Parnas }Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. A. Lincoln }Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -- Oscar Wilde }Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde }Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" }Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain }"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried" - Thomas Jefferson - }Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippmann }WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. }Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. John Kenneth Galbraith }Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" }Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" }Which do you want first -- the truth, the whole truth or nothing but the truth? }While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. }While doubt stands still, confidence can erect a skyscraper. George Lorimer }While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 }While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. -- Edward Stevenson }While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. }While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. }While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. }While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. }While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. }Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. }"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? -- G. Gordon Liddy }"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." }Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. A. E. Housman }Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? }"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. -- George Ade }Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. }Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein. BOOK OF PROVERBS }"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." -- Ian Shoales }"Why be a man when you can be a success?" -- Bertold Brecht }"Why be a man when you can be a success?" Bertold Brecht }Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have? }Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? }Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? }WHY DO JAPANESE KEEP BUYING GOLF GOURSES? Good Biz. This is according to Japanese buyer Hidechika Kabayashi. Mathematics are as follows: Purchase Price $ 18.2 million Improvements 11.8 million TTL$ $ 30.0 million Memberships @ $50,000 ea $50.0 million Profit $ 20 million In Japan, golf club memberships can cost $165,000. }Why do people have to ingest a substance that slows their reflexes, slurs their speech, dims their eyesight, ruins their motor control, upsets their digestive tract and lowers sexual potency to "have fun"? }Why do service stations lock the rest-rooms and leave the cash register unlocked? }"Why do we call them buildings when they are already finished? We should call them BUILTS!" --- Gallagher }Why do we park cars on driveways and drive cars on parkways? -- Gallagher }Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" }Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have more lawyers? New Jersey had first choice. }WHY DOGS BARK? A research team have found dogs bark because they want to. They did not take HECATESE into consideration. You see, Hecatese is a witch that prowls at night and only dogs can see. Therefore on a still night and your dog is barking at apparently nothing...you can be sure that Hecatese is on the prowl. Sweet Dreams! }Why don't elephants eat penguins ? Because they can't get the wrappers off ... }Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I have to floss my cat. -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. -- I need to spend more time with my blender. -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. -- I have some really hard words to look up. -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. }"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved" Mark Twain }Why is it you can't recognize your own voice when you hear it played back on tape, but you imagine you are seeing your own face when you look at it in a mirror? }"Why is sexual gratification nobler than economic gratification?" -- Judge Bork in his defense of a Connecticut law making private use of contraceptives a crime. }"Why is `easy listening music' so hard to listen to?" ... overheard on A&E Network's "An Evening at the Improv" }"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" -- Lily Tomlin }Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Lily Tomlin }"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing?" -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions }"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" -- Oscar Wilde }"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" Oscar Wilde }Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. -- John L. Shelton }Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of. - Joseph McCarthy }Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. }Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. } William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. }Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. }Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. }Willpower is the ability to eat one salted peanut. Anon }Winston Churchill once hosted a contingent from the US. Among them was a lady who he was sitting next to at dinner. The British were serving a "American" dinner that night. It included Fried Chicken. He asked the lady to his left to pass him a breast piece. She replied "We don't call that a breast, we call that "white meat"". He obliged and the next day he sent her a corsage telling her that it would look wonderful pinned on her "white meat"! --A direct quotation from Winston Churchill's last bio-- }Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. }Wisdom is knowing when you cannot be wise. Anon }Wisdom is the principal thing: therefore get wisdom: and with all your getting get understanding. }Wise men say nothing in dangerous times. -----John Selden }Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think. Anon }Wit is cultured insolence. Aristotle }Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. William Hazlitt }Wit sometimes enables us to act rudely with impunity. Duc de La Rochefoucauld }Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half. -- Otto von Bismark }With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }With a rubber duck, one's never alone. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm? }With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm }"With meaning is matter" --- Seen on a guitar played by The Jellyfish } "With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but with tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will be certainly be lost." -o- William Lloyd Garrison -o- }Without love there is no hope. Without hope there is no future. Without a future there is no meaning. }Without the opinion polls we'd never know what people are undecided about. } Wolfpen Creek How it was in that place, how light in a bright pool Of air like water, in an eddy of cloud and sky I will long remember. I will long recall The maples blossoming wings, the oaks proud with rule, The spider's deep in silk, the squirrels fat on mast, The fields and draws and coves where quails and peewees call. Earth loved more than any earth, stand firm, hold fast Trees burdened with leaf and bird, root deep grow tall. }Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention. Cornelia Otis Skinner }Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. -- Rich Kulawiec }Women give us solace. But if it weren't for women, we wouldn't need solace. }WOMEN JUST CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT In Wichita, Kansas, a man was charged wilth assult and battery on his girlfriend, stemming, according to police, from her inability to buy a winning lottery ticket. Every time she scratched a losing ticket, the guy smacked her. She lost five times. }Women like silent men. They think they're listening. Marcel Archard }Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. Socrates }WONDERFUL! You have some of my favourite problems. }Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. Rudyard Kipling }Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence. }Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. }Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. }Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein }Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. -- Steve Rubenstein }Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" }Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein }Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. Steve Rubenstein }WOULD PG&E LIKE TO HARNESS ALL THE SUN'S ENERGY? They'd drool. In each second the sun gives off enough energy to illuminate 2,600 Earths filled with 200 watt lightbulbs. Generates a staggering four hundred trillion watts of power every second. }"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. Lewis Carrol }"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" }Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon }Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Frank Zappa }Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. Jules Renard }"Wrong," said Renner. "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" } x n Se = f(u) }X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. }X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. }XIIdigitation, n.: The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" }Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together. -- Steve Higgins }Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" }Yes it is the dawn that has come. The titihoya wakes from sleep, and goes about its work of forlorn crying. The sun tips with light the mountains of Ingeli and East Griqualand. The great valley of the Umzimkulu is still in darkness, but the light will come there. Ndotsheni is still in darkness, but the light will come there also. For it is the dawn that has come, as it has come for a thousand centuries, never failing. But when that dawn will come, of our emancipation, from the fear of bondage and the bondage of fear, why, that is a secret. Alan Paton "Cry, the Beloved Country" }Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. }Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - Snoopy }Yesterday is a dream, Tomorrow is a vision, Today is a bitch. }Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA. }Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" }Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" }You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no, you: (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint. (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first. (c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock. }You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. }You are fixed in your opinions and will not be easily moved from your purpose. }You are here: *** *** ********* ******* ***** *** * But you're not all there. }You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. - Neils Bohr to Einstein during a debate on Quantum Mechanics }"You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same; Those William's would be better unread -- Do these facts never fill you with shame?" "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, "I wrote wonderful papers galore; But the great reputation I found that I'd won, Made it pointless to think any more." "You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- Don't you think that you should save your breath?" "I have answered three questions and that is enough," Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" }"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- Pray, how did you manage to do it?" "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books And don't realize that they've been had." }"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- Pray what is the reason of that?" "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, "I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- Allow me to sell you a couple?" -- Lewis Carrol }"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear; You complain about everyone's English but yours -- Do you really think this is quite fair?" "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, "But my stature these days is so great That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, And to stop me it's now far too late." }"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- What made you so awfully clever?" "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -- Lewis Carrol }You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. }You are rotten to the core, Snidely Whiplash, rotten, rotten, rotten! Oh, how did I ever get started tying ladies to railroad tracks? If only I could stop... but I can't stop... I've got this thing! - Snidley Whiplash }You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. }You can always tell a real friend: When you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job. --- Lawrence J. Peter }"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 }You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. }You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. Eric Hoffer }"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?" -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 }You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is concerned. }You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time. Abraham Lincoln }You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. }You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. Bumper Sticker }You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones }You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. Alan Perlis }You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. }"You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends' nose!" }You can prevent wrinkles by creams and massage; you can dye the first gray hairs, but there's no graceful way you can prevent a small boy from offering to help you across the street. }You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. F. Allen }You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers. -- Steven Feiner }"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 }You can't fool all the people all the time but highway-interchange signs come pretty close. }"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Steven Wright }You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. -- Booker T. Washington }YOU CAN'T LOAD IT THAT WAY A 21 year old man was charged with public indecency after allegedly placing his penis in a jar of coleslaw dressing. Happened at a K-Mart in Downers Grove, Illinois. }You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. Lauren Bacall }"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" }"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood Bumstead }"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." Dagwood Bumstead }You can't underestimate the power of fear. TRICIA NIXON }"You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting." - Obi-Wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" }You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. }You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must forge one for yourself. James Froude. }You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. }You cant underestimate the power of fear. TRICIA NIXON }You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. }You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict }You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict }You do not destroy an idea by killing people; you replace it with a better one. Edward Keating }"You don't have to explain something you never said" - Calvin Coolidge - }You don't have to explain something you never said. - Calvin Coolidge - }You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger }You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food }You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food }YOU GONNA BUY A HUMVEE? WHAT'S A HUMVEE? It's that rugged vehicle used in the Gulf, replacing the Jeep. Can drive over fallen trees and through 2 feet of mud. It is ruled street legal. Could appear in showrooms for civilian purchase. No price as yet. }You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. }You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. }You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- You are permanently confused. -- Dave Decot }You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down. }You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationship. }You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name. (b) Ask what position she played. (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. }You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. John Viscount Morley }You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled. }You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. }You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than *that*. - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs }You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, MINE are even WORSE! - Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes" }You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. }You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, you can always change the channel. -- Jim Ignatowski }You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. -- S. Rickly Christian }You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 }You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. }"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" }You know, me and my sister, we ain't no more alike than if we wasn't us. She's just as different as I am the other way. }"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." - M. Somerset Maugham - }You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. -- Sydney Harris }You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him. -- Ed Howe }You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn }You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. Alfred Kahn }"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." }You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. }You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. -- Charles A. Beard }You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. }You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. J. Wellington Wells }You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. }You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. }You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. }You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. -- Olin Miller. }You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. }You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. }You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest Rutherford }You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. Henrick Ibson }"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" -- Business Professor, University of Georgia }You smash it - and I'll build around it. JOHN LENNON } YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and make really big Zorkmids." MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! }"You want nuclear power? We own the reactors." "You want oil? We own the wells." "You want hydroelectric power? We own the dams." "You want coal? We own the mines." "You want solar power? We own the --" "Solar power is not feasible." }You were pumping iron as I was pumping irony. - Robert Plant, Now And Zen }You will be a guest at a gay party that'll have inportant consequences for you. }You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year- old. }You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. }You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. }You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. }You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. }You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn new lessons. You may like the lessons or find them irrelevant and stupid. }You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman. }You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. }You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. It will be yours for the entire period this time around. } You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. -- Sherlock Holmes }You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking thoughts. }You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. }You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry. }You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. -- Groucho Marx }You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. }You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West }You're never too old to become younger. Mae West }You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin }You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin }"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." -- Gary Giddens }"You've got to think about tomorrow!" "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *yesterday* yet!" }YOUNG RUSSIAN COUPLE ASKS FOR PROTECTION At Shannon, Ireland a young Russian couple asked immigration for protection. They were whisked away and questioned by the authorities. The protection they were seeking was a box of condoms. }Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. }Your answers are inside you. The answers to life's questions are inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. }Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. }Your long forgotten kindness to someone will bring a substantial sum of money. }Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. }Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. Samuel Johnson }Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. }Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. }Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. }Your not knowing a mans purpose does not mean he is confused. }Your temporary financial embarassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. }Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. }YOUR WIFE'S HAVING A BABY.....NOT YOU! Men with pregnant wives can suffer a couple of months of nausea, insomnia, exhaustion and weight loss according to a study done at St. Francis Hospital in Hartford, Connecticut. Expectant fathers can have sympathy symptoms known as coluvade syndrome. }Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. }"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" -- Zippy the Pinhead }Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. }Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. }Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings. E. Esar }Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. William Shakespeare, "King John" }Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. }[From a police handbook on riot control] "The advantages offered by use of obscuring smoke in suppressing violence and dispersing and controlling mobs and demonstrations are .... Members of the press, photographers, and TV cameramen who are unfavorable to the police will have little opportunity or ability to take pictures depicting 'police brutality.'" }[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology Association, in Rome]: The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide. }[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made in Japan]: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. }[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" }[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III }[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. Edwin Meese III }[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves to see him work. Winston Churchill }[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill } _ _ / \ o / \ | | o o o | | | | _ o o o o | \_| | / \ o o o \__ | | | o o | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" }`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care; Supporting each man on the top of the tide By a finger entwined in his hair. 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew. Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.'