home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search
Text File | 1996-05-26 | 55.0 KB | 1,820 lines
;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; ; Harry the barman (Release March 1996) ; BBSChat conversation file ; (c)1996 Servile Software ; ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; ; Randomly generated opening lines ; ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7 Hello stranger! How the devil are you? Alright, *USER*, what would you like? Good *timeofday* *USER*, what can I get you? Hello, *USER*! How are you today? How about a chilled Sinagpore Sling? Right, *USER*, what can I get you? Wotcha *USER*, how are you today? Yes, *USER*, what would you like? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; ; These are lines sent when no keyword match occurs. ; ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- NOMATCH 64 What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Did you know.... Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Did you know.... Ada programmers do it by committee Did you know.... Ada programmers do it in packages What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Did you know.... Advertisers use the "new, improved" method Did you know.... Advertising majors do it with style Did you know.... Aerobics instructors do it for the heart Did you know.... Aerobics instructors do it in step Did you know.... Aerobics instructors do it until it hurts Did you know.... Aerospace engineers do it with lift and thrust Did you know.... Secret agents do it undercover Did you know.... AI hackers do it artificially Did you know.... Beta testers do it looking for mistakes Did you know.... Bicyclists do it off the road Did you know.... Bicyclists do it with 10 speeds Did you know.... Bikers do it on wheels Did you know.... Biologists do it with clones Did you know.... Birders do it in the bush Did you know.... Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it Did you know.... Blondes do it with a thermos Did you know.... Bo jackson knows doing it Did you know.... Boardheads do it with stiff masts David Koresh certainly made an ash of himself this time. An anxious woman goes to her doctor.*LF*"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"*LF*"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 20 pound note. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. We had a great darts match in here last Thursday. The lads from the Dog and Duck came in, and we thrashed them 8-1! What? Say what? Huh? Yeah. Take my advice, never run a bar. It's murder. Yes Very novel What's that got to do with anything? Tell me about your childhood Is your glass empty yet? Is that a fact? I suppose a shag is out of the question then? Pardon me? Hang on a sec....*DELAY*Okay carry on. That's the trouble with this all day opening. We get so many drunks in here. Drunk again ay? Been web surfing recently? Are you drunk? And I thought Serbo-Croat was a dead language? Obviously not! Do you ever bet on horses? That chap Parry over there does all the time. Never wins anything though! <G> Hang on a sec, I'll just get the universal translator out from under the bar here. Have you tried our winter warmer? It's very good for warming the old cockles. Is that a cocktail? Hmmm, guess that you've had just one too many ay? Still, who cares! Hmmm, reckon your brain might have an interrupt conflict there, *USER* I think you ought to try that one on Sharon. Nice weather we're having for the time of year, don't you think? Oh look at that ash tray! I really must get a bar maid to clean them up! Um, I'm not quite clear about that, say again? Errrm, hang on a second.*DELAY**DELAY* No, sorry it's gone! Hang on and I'll ask Matthew.*DELAY**DELAY**DELAY* Right I'm back, sorry about that, haven't a clue what you're trying to say! I'm sorry *user*, I don't know anything about *object* Would you beieve it? I sold the last of the *object* this morning! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; ; Following are the key words to check. You may have up to 300 key words ; (and up to 10 *ALIAS*'s per key word). Key words and *ALIAS*'s must ; be in UPPER CASE! ; ; Keywords and their *ALIAS*'s are tested in the order they appear in the ; file. Responses are made in a random order, with each response only being ; made once for each session. ; ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A GOOD 1 You've heard it before haven't you! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A *ALIAS* E *ALIAS* I *ALIAS* O *ALIAS* U 1 A good start! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? SKID MARKS 1 You've heard it before haven't you! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A *ALIAS* E *ALIAS* I *ALIAS* O *ALIAS* U 1 There are skid marks in front of the dog. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? LIPS ARE MOVING 1 You've heard it before haven't you! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A *ALIAS* E *ALIAS* I *ALIAS* O *ALIAS* U 1 His lips are moving ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Good *timeofday* *USER*, what can I get you? IS IT IMPORTANT *ALIAS* IT'S NOT IMPORTANT 2 Well this is a bar you know! Yes it is. How can I serve you if I don't know what you'd like? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Good *timeofday* *USER*, what can I get you? SEX *ALIAS* FUCK *ALIAS* BLOW *ALIAS* DRUGS *ALIAS* ACID 2 You'd better ask Sharon for that! Sorry, we don't sell that. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Good *timeofday* *USER*, what can I get you? MONEY 2 Try the bank. Like if I had lots of money would I be working here? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Would you beieve it? I sold the last of the *object* this morning! "NO " *ALIAS* NAH *ALIAS* NOPE *ALIAS* NOT 2 Oh well, I did anyway. You could be right. Maybe I sold the last of it yesterday. Sorry. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Nice weather we're having for the time of year, don't you think? "NO " *ALIAS* NAH *ALIAS* NOPE *ALIAS* NOT 2 Well it is where I am. Oh alright. But it's been quite pleasant here. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nice weather we're having for the time of year, don't you think? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* "YEA " *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* YEP 2 It is nice here as well. I do so love nice weather, don't you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Is your glass empty yet? NOT GOING TO TELL YOU 2 Then I can't serve you can I? Ha ha! Very amusing. How about a babycham? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Is your glass empty yet? DON'T KNOW *ALIAS* DUNNO *ALIAS* PROBABLY *ALIAS* DO NOT KNOW 4 Well look then! Try looking in it. Well, lets put it this way. When you drink from it does your mouth get wet? Well, let me know when you want serving again. (Hint). ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Is your glass empty yet? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* YEP 4 Another one? What would you like now? Another of those? Can I get you another? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Is your glass empty yet? "NO " *ALIAS* NOPE *ALIAS* NAH *ALIAS* NOT YET *ALIAS* NOT QUITE 3 Okay, but hurry up. I'm running a bar here not a public library Well when it is let me know. If you're not drinking I shall have to ask you to leave. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Is your glass empty yet? PERHAPS 3 Well tell me when it is and I'll refill it. Okay, well you just let me know when you want another drink. Ok? Just give me a nod when you want another drink. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Well, lets put it this way. When you drink from it does your mouth get wet? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* YEP 3 Then it's not empty *yet* In that case I'd say it's not empty. Then you don't need another drink just yet. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Well, lets put it this way. When you drink from it does your mouth get wet? NO *ALIAS* NOPE *ALIAS* NAH 3 Then it's empty In that case I'd say it's empty. Then you need another drink wouldn't you say? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Good *timeofday* *USER*, what can I get you? NOT GOING TO TELL YOU 2 Then I can't serve you can I? Ha ha! Very amusing. How about a babycham? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Right, *USER*, what can I get you? NOTHING 1 So what, you've just dropped in for a chat then? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Right, *USER*, what can I get you? CHILDREN 1 Leave it out! I don't sell children. You want the white slave market in Marakesh. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Right, *USER*, what can I get you? SEX *ALIAS* FUCK *ALIAS* BLOW *ALIAS* DRUGS *ALIAS* ACID 1 You'd better ask Sharon for that! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Right, *USER*, what can I get you? MONEY 2 Try the bank. Like if I had lots of money would I be working here? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Right, *USER*, what can I get you? NOT GOING TO TELL YOU 2 Then I can't serve you can I? How can I serve you if you wont tell me what you'd like? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific YES response Is that a cocktail? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP 1 I see. Must be very fashionable in the wine bars, unfortunately though I don't serve cocktails. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific NO response Is that a cocktail? NO *ALIAS* NOPE *ALIAS* NAH 2 Sounds like a good name for one though! Good name though? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific NO response Is that a cocktail? YOU SAY SO 1 I didn't say so, I was asking you! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response You'd better ask Sharon for that! YOU ASK HER 3 Oh no! You can do your own chatting up. No, you ask her. Why you fraid of her? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Oh look at that ash tray! I really must get a bar maid to clean them up! YOU DO IT 2 Why should I clean my own ash trays when I pay my staff to do it? That's what they get paid for ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific NO response Have you tried our winter warmer " NO THANK" *ALIAS* " NO TA " 1 Oh alright then! But you really don't know what you're missing! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific NO response Have you tried our winter warmer " NO " *ALIAS* " NAH " *ALIAS* " NOPE " *ALIAS* DUNNO 1 Oh well you must! *DELAY*Sharon! pour a pint of Winter Warmer for *USER*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you tried our winter warmer YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEA *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* "SURE HAVE" 1 And did you like it? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Alright, *USER*, what would you like? NOT GOING TO TELL YOU 2 Then I can't serve you can I? How can I serve you if you wont tell me what you'd like? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Alright, *USER*, what would you like? NOTHING 1 So what, you've just dropped in for a chat then? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Alright, *USER*, what would you like? CHILDREN 1 Leave it out! I don't sell children. You want the white slave market in Marakesh. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Alright, *USER*, what would you like? SEX *ALIAS* FUCK *ALIAS* BLOW *ALIAS* DRUGS *ALIAS* ACID 1 You'd better ask Sharon for that! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Alright, *USER*, what would you like? MONEY 2 Try the bank. Like if I had lots of money would I be working here? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Do you ever bet on horses? That chap Parry over there does all the time. Never wins anything though! <G> DO YOU 1 Me? No, I'm not a gambling man! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Do you ever bet on horses? That chap Parry over there does all the time. Never wins anything though! <G> YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP 1 Oh I don't, too risky! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response You could try buying a drink <G> I COULD *ALIAS* YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP 2 Well don't just talk about it, what do you want? So what do you fancy then? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response You could try buying a drink <G> THINK I SHOULD *ALIAS* THINK I OUGHT TO 2 Of course, this is a bar after all Of course I do. I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise would i? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Now you could try buying another drink. I COULD *ALIAS* YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP 3 Well don't just talk about it, what do you want? So what do you fancy then? Well, put your money where your mouth is then. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response You could try buying another drink. THINK I SHOULD *ALIAS* THINK I OUGHT TO 2 Of course, this is a bar after all Of course I do. I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise would i? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Drunk again ay? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* GUESS SO 3 I thought as much. Oh well, lemonade for you. Oh dear. Can't handle the beer then ay? Tch Tch Tch, drinking to execess. I don't know. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response Are you drunk? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* GUESS SO 3 I thought as much. Oh well, lemonade for you. Oh dear. Can't handle the beer then ay? Tch Tch Tch, drinking to execess. I don't know. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response How about some peanuts? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* GUESS SO 3 Salted or dry roasted? I've got salted or dry roasted, which would you prefer. What do you want: salted or dry roasted? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; Specific response That's quite alright. Now would you like another drink? A Martini perhaps? YES *ALIAS* YEAH *ALIAS* YEP *ALIAS* YUP *ALIAS* GUESS SO *ALIAS* OK 3 Right, one Martini coming up. Here you are then *user*, one Martini Certainly *user*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A BEER" *ALIAS* "A LAGER" *ALIAS* "MORE BEER" 2 Certainly, *USER*! Any particular brand? Could you be more specific? I mean would you like Old Peculiar, Winter Warmer, Fosters, XXXX, Bud, Becks, what? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A DRINK" *ALIAS* "BOOZE" *ALIAS* "SOMETHING STRONG" 3 And what would you like? A Jack Daniels and coke? Certainly, *USER*! What would you like? A babycham perhaps? Now that is unusual in a bar! So what would you like to drink? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A LILT" *ALIAS* " BLOOD " 2 Ice and lemon? Would you like a straw? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- GET TO THE POINT 2 The point is, what do you want to drink? There is no point. I just run the bar, day in and day out. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ARE YOU A COMPUTER *ALIAS* "ARTIFICAL SYSOP" *ALIAS* "SPEAKING TO A DOOR" *ALIAS* "ARE YOU A RECORD" *ALIAS* "ARE YOU AI" 3 Now there's a leading question! Hahaha, let me see, maybe I am, and maybe I'm not. How can I convince you? I know, what if I tell you that you've called the BBS *TIMESON* times before? Or, how about that your phone number is *PHONE*? Nope, I'm a barman. I am Harry the manager of this bar. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ARE YOU ITALIAN 1 What a strange question to ask me! No I am British. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- PLEASED TO SEE ME 2 Of course I am pleased to see you. You're a customer. I am always pleased to see *you* ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU REMIND ME *ALIAS* YOU MAKE ME *ALIAS* ONE WHO MAKES ME 5 How do I do that? How's that? In what way? Do I really? Is that good do you think? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO BETTER IF *ALIAS* BE BETTER OFF 4 Is that right? You think so? Well, it's certainly an idea. Okay, that's something to ponder over a glass of mulled wine in the pantry after we close. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU ARE *ALIAS* YOU'RE 4 How's that? What makes you think that? Am I really? Is that a fact? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ARE YOU SURE *ALIAS* ARE YOU REALLY 3 I certainly am! You don't believe me? You'd better believe it buster! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ARE YOU THE SYSOP 1 Nope! Matthew's the sysop, I'm Harry, I run the bar area for Matthew. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU MUST BE 3 I can assure you that I am not. Well, perhaps I am really. You know, I could be. Things are not always what they seem. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- RATHER NOT 3 Why not? Why is that? Oh. Why not? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- AWESOME *ALIAS* " DUDE " *ALIAS* BITCHIN *ALIAS* COOL *ALIAS* KOOL *ALIAS* SURF 5 Bodacious! Gag me with a spoon! Gnarly! Radical! That's the problem with the gene pool - no lifeguard. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BAR MAID" *ALIAS* BARMAID 2 Hahaha! Yes she's quite a stunner! She lives up at the Zoo, has a caged apartment there. That's Sharon, she's the barmaid. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BASS 2 Been fishing have you? That's a fish isn't it? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEEF 2 Kosha! Interested in BSE? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALMOST AS 3 Are you being sarcastic? You're very sarcastic today, *USER*. You are being very rude. Did you have a bad day? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- AM I BEING 3 What do you think? No, I shouldn't go that far. Well, maybe just a little. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO YOU MIND 3 Well just a litte, this is my bar you know. I don't if you don't. Not at all. The customer is always right. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TELL ME MORE 2 I should like to, however I have a bar to run. Much as I'd like to, I'm rather busy. Why not try the library? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BITCH 1 A female dog? Or do you mean Sharon? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BITTER" 1 Coming right up, *USER*! Do you want a straw with that? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BLONDE BIMBO" *ALIAS* "ESSEX GIRL" *ALIAS* "GOOD WOMAN" 1 Sharon! over here, another customer for you! She's our barmaid, and rather friendly, especially if you have a fat wallet and a Ford Cortina! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BOTTOM" *ALIAS* ARSE 1 That's nothing a little ex-lax can't cure! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BRING MY DOG" 2 Sure! We can open zoo, then. Gertie, Sharon and you're dog! What a menagerie <G> What's her name? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "RESPOND TO THE KEYWORD" 2 Respond to the keyword? What are you on? Ar ha, so you're trying to be funny ay!*DELAY*Well don't you respond to it? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BURTON ALE" *ALIAS* "OLD PECULIAR" *ALIAS* "REAL ALE" *ALIAS* "WINTER WARMER" *ALIAS* WORTHINGTON *ALIAS* WADSWORTH *ALIAS* 6X *ALIAS* COURAGE *ALIAS* TANGLEFOOT 1 Ar ha! A real ale drinker, my sort of punter. Have this one on me *USER*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CARLSBERG 3 As drunk by vicars on the inter-city, most likely I don't think! As recommended by your smooth talking bar steward? Or have I confused the adverts again? I can never remember them! Probably! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- GUINESS 3 One pint of dark and mysterious coming right up. Okay, if you'd just like to wait ten minutes while I pour it. One pint of pure genius. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- STOUT 1 Guiness alright? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " TEA " 2 What do you think this is a cafe? I don't sell that. Try the cafe down the road. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "CHANGE FOR THE" 1 Sure, ar hang on, yep its okay. No problem! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHEERS 2 Bottom's up as they say in the cabinet office! Yes, cheers, *USER*, good health and all that! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "CHEESE AND ONION" 1 Okay dokey! Coming right up.... ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CIDER *ALIAS* "TAUNTON" *ALIAS* "WOODPECKER" 2 Anything else? Ooo Arrrr me dear! Wun pint a cyderrr cuming right up! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "COCA-COLA" *ALIAS* "BAILEYS" *ALIAS* "COKE" *ALIAS* "ORANGE JUICE" *ALIAS* "PEPSI" *ALIAS* "PIMMS" 3 Certainly, *USER*, with or without Jack Daniels? Ice and lemon? Would you like a straw? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CONDOM 1 Try the machine in the toilet. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "CRISPS" 2 Sure, oh no we've run out. Oh it's okay, Sharon! we need some more crisps, be a darling and rustle some up will you please? Thanks. What flavour? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "DIAMOND BLUSH" *ALIAS* "COFFEE" *ALIAS* "CUP OF TEA" *ALIAS* MILK 1 I'm not even going to try and respond to that! :) ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "DIAMOND WHITE" 1 No sorry, sold out of that yesterday. But if you ask gertie nicely she might mix you up something similar.... ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO YOU EVER 2 Very rarely. How about you, do you? Perhaps I might have done once or twice, but I don't very often anymore. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO YOU LIKE COOKING 3 Not when I have someone else to do it for me. Not in the bar, it makes such a mess of the optics. Only the books <G> ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO YOU LIKE 3 Very rarely. How about you, do you? Now and again. I thought we were discussing how you were going to buy another drink? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "DOUBLE DIAMOND" 2 Double Diamond work's wonders, work's wonders. I loved that advert! Oh yes! The beer that works wonders, look at what it's done for me! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN" 2 Not that I am aware of no! That's an odd question to ask a bar man. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO YOU THINK I SHOULD 1 Oh yes, go on, be a devil. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO YOU THINK 3 Definitely. Maybe. Perhaps. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'LL THINK ABOUT IT 2 Yes you do that. Well, don't take too long. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "DRY ROASTED" 1 One bag of dry roasted nuts coming right up, now where's my blow torch? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "FAG MACHINE" *ALIAS* "CIGARETTE MACHINE" 1 There's one on the wall over there, takes two pound coins and a fifty. You okay for change? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- FAGS *ALIAS* CIGARETTES *ALIAS* SMOKES 1 There's a machine in the corner that sells them. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "FOOD" 1 Food? Well we have crisps, peanuts, and those little cheesy bicuits. They're nice. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- FOSTERS *ALIAS* BECKS *ALIAS* BUD *ALIAS* BUDWEISER *ALIAS* TENNENTS *ALIAS* XXXX 1 Righty ho! One nancy boy lager coming up! SHARON! Give *USER* a *keyword* will you please, cheers. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "FUCK OFF" *ALIAS* "BUGGER OFF" *ALIAS* "GET LOST" *ALIAS* "GO AWAY" *ALIAS* "PISS OFF" *ALIAS* "UP YOURS" 5 No! Hahaha! Not bloody likely chummy! Now look! There are ladies present, so please moderate your language! That's charming that is *USER*! This is MY bar, and here I stay. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU KNOW 2 If you say so. The customer's always right! No I don't know. Tell me more. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU WILL 3 If you say so. The customer's always right! Will I really? Gosh I never knew that. I'm so glad you came in too tell me that. Thanks. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU READ 3 Very rarely. How about you, do you? Now and again. Only the Publican's weekly. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I REMEMBER 2 Go on.... Oh yes? That's very interesting. Tell me more. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " GIN " 1 Oh, the old mother's ruin! Any ice with that? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " GO NOW " 2 But you haven't finished your drink! Must you? Oh well if you must. Please call in again *USER* ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " GOOD MORNING " *ALIAS* GOOD AFTERNOON *ALIAS* GOOD EVENING 2 Yes, I think it probably is! It may well be. Now what can I get you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "GOT A JUKE BOX" 1 Yes I have a juke box. It's over in the corner next to the phone. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "GOT A PHONE" 1 Yes I have a phone, it's over by the juke box. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- HAVE YOU EVER 2 No, never! Perhaps I might have done once. I can't really remember now! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOLSTEN 1 Ummm, hang on then, I'll just have to get someone to change the barrel. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "HOW DO I MAKE A DIGNIFIED EXIT" 3 Oh, must you go so soon? It's only *TIME* Why do you want to go already? You haven't finished your drink yet. You could try the door! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "HOW ARE YOU" *ALIAS* HOW YER DOIN *ALIAS* HOW YA DOIN *ALIAS* HOW'S TRICKS *ALIAS* HOW'S LIFE *ALIAS* HOW IS LIFE 4 Ooh, mustn't grumble you know *USER*! Fine, thankyou *user* Not too bad thanks Have been better ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "HOW MUCH IS A" *ALIAS* "HOW MUCH FOR A" *ALIAS* "HOW MUCH FOR THE" *ALIAS* "HOW MUCH IS THE" 3 Ahem! That's another story! Cheap at twice the price I should say! Oh, not a lot! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "HOW'S LIFE" *ALIAS* "HOW IS LIFE" *ALIAS* "HOWS LIFE" 5 Could be better, still I mustn't grumble or I'll start to sound like Parry over there! <G> Life's okay, a bit quiet at the moment though, *USER* Life? Life's a bitch and then you marry her! Tee Hee! Not bad, thanks. Could do with a few more punters in here though. I guess it's the weather keeping them all at home. Oh not too bad, and yourself? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU" *ALIAS* "I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU" *ALIAS* "I DO NOT THINK SO" *ALIAS* "I DON'T THINK SO" 1 <smile> Well, that is your perrogative, *USER*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I USED TO 2 Why did you stop? Why don't you still? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- IF YOU SAY SO 3 I'm not quite sure, but should I get the impression that you don't believe me? And I do say so. Yeah, right! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'LL FORGIVE *ALIAS* I WILL FORGIVE 1 Thankyou *USER*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I HATE" 1 Why's that then? Only 'hate' is a very strong word. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " ICE " 1 You don't like warm drinks then? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "JACK DANIELS" *ALIAS* " JD " 1 Certainly, you're a biker then are you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "JOB DO YOU DO" *ALIAS* WHAT'S YOUR JOB *ALIAS* WHAT IS YOUR JOB 1 Would you believe I'm a barman? Oh brother some people! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "MY BBS" 1 Nah! let's talk about Cognitive Development rather than your BBS! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "NEVER GAMBLE" 2 That's probably very sensible. Gambling is a mug's game. Nor me. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "NO PROB" 2 Cheers blue! Great Scott, look at the time! I've got to get ready fro the dreyman before he calls tommorrow! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- NO YOU 2 Look, I don't want an argument with you. I've made my point now shut up and drink up. Like arguing do you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "NOT GOING TO GET" 2 I reckon you're not at that! I'm sorry, *USER*, what was it you wanted? I had a terrible night last night, and I'm not quite with it today! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "PEANUTS" 2 Salted or dry roasted? Sure, oh no we've run out. Oh it's okay, Gertie! we need some more peanuts, be a darling and rustle some up will you please? Thanks. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- PIE 1 Chicken and ham, steak and beer, or ROAST DUCK <G> !!!!! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- PILS *ALIAS* CARLING *ALIAS* PILSNER 1 Righty ho! One nancy boy lager coming up! SHARON! Give *USER* a *keyword* will you please, cheers. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "REPEAT YOURSELF" 2 We all repeat ourselves, I never claimed to be a wonderful conversationalist, I'm just a plain old country bar man, or is that bar steward? <G> Well, I run out of things to say! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOUR BRAIN 2 What about my brain? There's no need to get personal. I just serve the drinks around here. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SAD COMPUTER" 1 That's right! Come in here and insult me! Dog face! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SALTED 1 One bag of salted nuts coming up. Now then, where did Dell leave the carving knife? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SCOTCH" *ALIAS* WHISKEY *ALIAS* WHISKY 2 Certainly, *USER*. Irish or Scottish? With or without ice? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SERVICE 1 That's all down to my highly trained staff. Every one of them hand picked for their willingness to work for peanuts. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SHALOM" 2 I suppose you'll be wanting chicken soup with your drink then? Oh yes, Belsen was a gas wasn't it? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SHAMPAGE" 1 Shampage! Shampage! Hey, relax *USER*, and enjoy the experience. Look, have a cocktail, I mix a wicked Harvey Wall Banger <G> ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SHARON" 5 Sharon's quite picky, I'm not sure she'd associate with someone with a security access level as low as *SECURITY* What do you want with Sharon? You've met Sharon then have you? Ar, good old Sharon.... It's not true you know. About me and Sharon. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SHOVE IT PC" *ALIAS* "SHOVE IT COMPUTER" 1 Well really! Get abusive with me and I'll Gertie to piss in your beer! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SHUT UP" 1 Oh, I'm sorry, have I done something to upset you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SMOKEY BACON" *ALIAS* BACON 1 Sorry, Gertie's eaten the last packet of those, I can offer you cheese and onion though? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SNAKE BITE" 1 Sure we sell snake bite! Just don't start chewing the furniture! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T GOT" 1 Well, I can't provide you with something I haven't got, can I! How about a nice cool glass of lemonade instead? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I THOUGHT YOU 3 What made you think that? What ever gave you that impression? Nah, you were wrong there I'm afraid *user* ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SORRY 3 Have a beer and cheer yourself up! Sharon! Another winter warmer over here please. That's quite alright. Now would you like another drink? A Martini perhaps? No need to apologise. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "THANK YOU" *ALIAS* THANKS 5 Any time... Don't applaud, just send cheques! <G> It was nothing. No sweat You're welcome, *USER*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "THIS IS EVEN FUNNY" 1 Well, I do try to entertain the customers! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TIME 3 Are you refering to Sharon, our barmaid again? The time is *TIME* Time you bought a watch perhaps? <G> ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERWORLD *ALIAS* GANGSTER 1 We don't get too many crooks in here, except for that chap in the corner. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "VALUE OF PI" 1 Pi? oh about 3.142857143. What a peculiar thing to talk about! How many have you had? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- VODKA 1 That reminds me of a joke, Snow White thought that "seven up" was a drink, until she discovered Smirnoff <G> :) ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRANSLATING" 1 It was a joke! That's all. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT DO YOU WANT 2 Thirteen pounds and sixty seven pence for the drinks you had last time you were here. What do *I* want? I should be asking you that question. It's my bar! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID 2 Spiders. I'm afraid of spiders. Me? I'm afraid of spiders but not much else. You can't be in a job like this. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST *ALIAS* WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND 1 Well you could try our Winter Warmer.*DELAY* Sharon! pour a pint of Winter Warmer for *USER*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT SORT OF A PLACE 3 Oh, quiet on a Tuesday, but comes to life at the weekend. Rampant! Absolutely dead at the moment. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT NOW 3 Now you could try buying another drink. You might like to buy me a drink. How about some peanuts? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- TIME DO YOU CLOSE *ALIAS* TIME DO YOU SHUT 1 This bar never closes. We have a special arrangement with the local council... ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- IS IT IMPORTANT 2 Probably not. It is to me. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISN'T IT 5 Oh yes, quite. I agree completely. Definitely. You're quite right. How observant of you. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DOES IT MATTER 3 Probably not. It does to me. Well, yes actually it does. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT IS HER NAME" *ALIAS* "WHAT'S HER NAME" *ALIAS* "WHO IS THE BAR MAID" *ALIAS* "WHO IS THE BARMAID" *ALIAS* "WHO'S THE BAR MAID" *ALIAS* "WHO'S THE BARMAID" 1 Her? Oh that's our Sharon! Comes from Essex! (Fnarr!) Say no more ay! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT YOU GOT" *ALIAS* "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT" 2 Oh the usual range of fines wines, beers and spirits! You could try the winter warmer! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT DO YOU THINK" *ALIAS* "WHAT D'YA RECKON" 2 I'm just a barman, I'm not paid to think I'm afraid. That's difficult for me to answer. If you don't mind I'll stick to serving drinks ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT'S A BIKER" *ALIAS* "WHAT IS A BIKER" 1 A biker is someone who rides motorbikes. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT'S ON DRAUGHT" *ALIAS* "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON DRAUGHT" *ALIAS* "WHAT IS ON DRAUGHT" 1 Theakston's Old Peculiar and Ind Coope. Or we have various lagers if you like that sort of thing! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT'S ON THE JUKE BOX" *ALIAS* "WHAT IS ON THE JUKE BOX" 1 A varied selection of country & western, heavy rock, that sort of thing. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU 1 You could try buying a drink <G> ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHO ARE YOU" 1 I'm Harry, I run the bar area for Matthew (he's the sysop). ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ARE YOU A BARMAN *ALIAS* ARE YOU A BAR STEWARD 1 Yes. That's right I'm Harry, I run the bar area for Matthew (he's the sysop). ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ARE YOU A 2 No. I'm a barman, I run the bar area for Matthew (he's the sysop). No I'm not. I'm a barman. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHY DO YOU THINK" *ALIAS* "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK" 1 Sorry, I just wondered. No offence intended I assure you, *USER* ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " WILD ONE " 2 Are you a wild one too? You should meet Sharon our barmaid! Sharon's quite a wild one! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " I DON'T UNDERSTAND " 1 What don't you understand, *USER*? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I DON'T 10 No? Sure you don't Yeah? Are you sure you don't? No? Sure you don't Yeah? That's okay I believe you Are you sure you don't? You're just saying that aren't you! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BORING *ALIAS* BOR-ING 5 What is? Yeah? Reckon so. If you say so *user* Cheer up mate, things aren't that bad surely? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WINE *ALIAS* BACARDI *ALIAS* CINZANO *ALIAS* MARTINI *ALIAS* RUM *ALIAS* PIMMS 2 Sorry we're out of *keyword*, just at the moment. How about a Jack Daniels? With soda? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " AND LEMONADE" 2 Sorry we're out of that, just at the moment. How about a Jack Daniels? Any ice with that? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WOULD YOU LIKE ONE" *ALIAS* "ONE FOR YOU" 2 Ahem! That's another story! That's very civil of you, *USER*, I'll have a coke, thanks. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "YOU HAD SHARON" 2 Ahem! That's another story! No, have you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "SAY THAT AGAIN" *ALIAS* REPEAT THAT *ALIAS* AGAIN *ALIAS* PARDON *ALIAS* WHAT DID YOU SAY 1 I said. *LAST* ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- PINT OF 2 Certainly, *USER*! One pint of *next* coming up. I'm sorry the *next* is off. May I recommend our own brew; Harry's Tripple Tipple? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEER IS CLOUDY *ALIAS* LAGER IS CLOUDY *ALIAS* PINT IS CLOUDY *ALIAS* DRINK IS CLOUDY 3 Is it? Oh dear some dust must have fallen into it from off the Martini bottle. Don't shout about it or everyone will want it that way! There's nothing wrong with that! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "BEER" *ALIAS* "HALF" *ALIAS* "LAGER" *ALIAS* "PINT" 2 Certainly, *USER*! Any particular brand? Could you be more specific? I mean would you like Old Peculiar, Winter Warmer, Fosters, XXXX, Bud, Becks, what? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT WOULD I LIKE" *ALIAS* "WHAT DO I WANT" 2 That is what I asked you. What do you fancy to drink? Lord give me strength! What would you like to drink, *USER*? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW DO I 2 Perhaps with the aid of some more beer? Maybe a packet of salt-n-vinegar crisps would assist you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHERE DO I 2 Try out the back. It's a bit cold at the moment. Next to the post office. Out on the main high street. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHERE 3 I have no idea! Try along the corridor. Well you know what they say, he who knows and all that! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC" *ALIAS* "WHAT SORT OF MUSIC" *ALIAS* "WHAT BANDS" *ALIAS* "WHAT GROUPS" 2 Oh allsorts. Everything from Rock and Roll to Swing. You know, Jazz, Swing, Reggae, Blues, Rock. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- GIVE ME SOME ADVICE 2 I don't give advice as a rule, I prefer to sell drinks. What makes you think I'm qualified to advise you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- KISS ME *ALIAS* KISSING ME 2 Personally I'd sooner kiss a mule's back side.... Er, NO THANKS! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I MIGHT HAVE 4 Oh, right. Okay then *USER* Yeah? You might have? But you're not certain? *DELAY*Okay, that's cool. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " PROVE YOU'RE NOT AI " *ALIAS* " PROVE YOU ARE NOT AI " 3 Why should I try and prove anything? Yeah mate. Carry on like that and we're gonna have a damn fine time (I don't think) Can't be bothered. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " AI " 2 Are you asking, or telling? What do I know anyway? I'm just the barman! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- " NO CARRIER " 2 Oh Hahahaha! I wish I was as funny as you. Yeah jerk, press ALT-H and whistle. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DON'T TALK TO ME 5 Why not? Sore subject? If you don't want me to talk to you, why did you page me? No? Oh, okay then *user*. You're the customer and the customer is always right. At least that's what the brewery tells us.... ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY 5 Why ask me? What do I know anyway? I'm just the barman! I haven't a clue. No idea! Have you asked the sysop? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- NO I'M NOT *ALIAS* I AM NOT 6 Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were. Aren't you? Well I thought you were. Isn't it funny how our actions can be misunderstood? Are you sure about that? No, of course you're not *user*, how stupid of me. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M TIRED *ALIAS* I AM TIRED 5 Are you? Of course you are *user*, how stupid of me. Why are you tired? Oh yes? What have you been doing to get so tired then ay? Lucky you. I'm just skint. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY THINK 3 No, but I'm not going to say anymore What do you think? I can't say what I really think, so it'll do! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DID YOU REALLY 3 What do you think? I really did! Yes, I really did. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DID YOU 3 What do you think? I can't say for sure. I can't remember. I may have. Do you think I ought to have? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- FAIR ENOUGH 3 Ar, but is it? Fair enough I mean. Is it fair? You really think so? I suppose it is really. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- NICE FOR YOU 3 Ar, but is it? You really think so? I suppose so. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- FOR YOU 3 No thankyou. I don't understand. What are you trying to say to me? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ; General NO response to all other cases " NO " *ALIAS* " NAH " *ALIAS* " NOPE " 5 Fair enough. Look. If I want an argument I post a message on fido, ok? Must you be so negative? Try saying YES, YES YES YES....Oh boy those adverts really get to me! Oh alright then! Oh boy. No brain, no hope! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- HELLO 4 Hello, *user*. How are you? Hiya, how'ya feeling today. Hello, how's tricks? Hello me old mate. How's it going? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT A LOVELY *ALIAS* WHAT A NICE 4 Yes it is rather fine isn't it? Oh do you think so? I thought it was rather tacky. Yes it certainly is. You're not wrong there young *user*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- GOT ANY 3 I may have some out the back. Would you believe it, I sold the last of the *Object* yesterday! Sorry, I'm right out of *Object*. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SURE? 3 Yeah I'm sure. Sure I'm sure. I am, are you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU LEND ME 4 Sorry I can't do that. Why don't you have a drink instead? Me lend you? Hahahaa! That's a good one *user* No can do I'm afraid. Sorry, it's against my religion to make loans to customers. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT IS A RAMPANT *ALIAS* WHAT'S A RAMPANT *ALIAS* WHAT DOES RAMPANT 3 I haven't a clue! If you don't know, you're too young to be told by me! Ahem, ask your mother <G> ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT DOES 2 I don't know. I'm not too hot on trivia. Not since my accident with the 12-bore and the chainsaw. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT IS IT LIKE *ALIAS* WHAT'S IT LIKE 5 I haven't a clue! If you don't know, you're too young to be told by me! Ahem, ask your mother <G> How the heck should I know? I've no idea, ask your father. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "WHAT" 5 I haven't a clue! I said. *LAST* I said. *LAST* I said. *LAST* I said. *LAST* ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CAN I 10 So long as you clear up after your self. Of course you can. If you're paying I don't mind what you do. So long as you clear up after your self. Of course you can. If you're paying I don't mind what you do. Just this once then. So long as none of the other customers object I don't see why not. Just this once then. So long as none of the other customers object I don't see why not. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ME TOO 2 You as well? And you? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- NICE WEATHER 2 Yes lovely, isn't it. Mmmm. Yes, lovely weather. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CRISPY *ALIAS* CRISP 2 Just as Koresh likes his children....Crispy! Whenever people mention crisps I think of the Waco affair. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD 1 You know you're dead when David Koresh invites you to a temple warming party! ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I SEE 2 What can you see? What!? is my fly undone? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEARD IT BEFORE *ALIAS* YOU'VE SAID THAT *ALIAS* YOU SAID THAT ALREADY *ALIAS* YOU HAVE ALREADY SAID 2 Sorry, am I boring you? Oh okay. Well if I'm so boring why don't you drink somewhere else? ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- AREN'T YOU 3 No. I said I'm not. No, I'm not. ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU CAN'T 10 Of course I can. Of course I can. Want a bet? Yes I can Want a bet? Yes I can Oh yes I can! You reckon? That's what you think mate! Oh yes I can.... ;---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALWAYS 5 Well, nearly always. Well, some of the time anyway. Oh yes, always. Always? Which way is all ways? 
