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Internet Message Format | 1994-05-14 | 10.0 KB

From: barrett@scooby.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: HEY, MORE NON-DISKLOSURE STUFF, LIKE, READ THIS NOW!!! Summary: not Keywords: secret like really really secret Date: 18 Aug 92 00:48:50 GMT Hey doodz, like, look what I found on my BBS this morning!! This is it!!! I can't wait till, like, it's available!! --------Forwarded message follows From: ?????@????????.com Subject: The LATEST LATEST OS SPECS!!! F*ck the NDA!!! Date: Today!! **************************************************************************** * TOP SECRET * * FOR COMMODORE-AMIGA REGISTERED DEVELOPERS ONLY * * NO PEEKING! * * * * OVERVIEW OF UPCOMING OS VERSION * * AUGUST 15 1992 * **************************************************************************** (C) Copyright 1992 Commodore-Amnesia, Inc. All Rites Reserved. Prohibited where void. WARNING! Do NOT distribute this information under ANY circumstances, unless you really want to. This information may be discussed ONLY in Commodore's lavatories, closed developer conferences, and/or hayrides in Nebraska. ANY violation of this agreement constitutes a violation of this agreement, and the agreement shall henceforth be violated. Don't say we didn't warn you. TABLE OF CONTENTS o Overview of the latest OS version o Backward compatibility o Faster filesystem o New features o Specifications of new AAAAAAAA chipset o How to find yourself naked in a bathtub with Tori Amos or Tom Selleck, whomever you prefer OVERVIEW OF THE LATEST OS VERSION This version shall henceforth be known as "V.00", or "Version zero zero." The reason is that it adds thousands of new features and yet remains 100% compatible all the way back to pre-1.0 release Kickstart. "Ah," some of you will complain, "if you are calling THIS release V.00, what will you call the NEXT release? Won't your new numbering scheme conflict with old OS version numbers?" Don't panic, developers -- we have this all under control. To avoid all confusion, future OS releases will be numbered in Braille. Touchscreens will be provided. "But," you continue to whine, "what will happen to all those programs that call the OpenLibrary() function with a minimum version number greater than zero? Won't those programs fail if the OS version number is zero?" Well, this is not Commodore's problem. We have been telling you developers for years to stop checking library version numbers!! It's documented right in the RKM LIBRARIES manual, page 94,762. Just assume that the user has the right version number; if not, then their computer DESERVES to crash. It's not our fault if you don't listen. Anyway, all this is trivial when you consider the wonderful new features that V.00 will give you. Read on! BACKWARD COMPATIBILITY Due to requests from heavy users... no, sorry: HEAVY REQUESTS from USERS, V.00 will be completely backward compatible in both hardware and software. On the hardware side, all peripherals will be designed so they will work even if plugged in backwards, upside down, or in the wrong port or slot. Yes, those naive little end-users with cheese for brains will be totally safe, even if they plug their new CPU accelerator directly into an electrical outlet. [Note that CBM does not necessarily recommend this practice -- CBM Legal Dept.] The software also will be completely backward compatible. For example, it will be possible to read and/or delete files before they are actually created. A real boon for software developers is the ability to link and load programs before they are compiled or even written. In addition, if the user types a shell command like 1> erom ecneuqes-putrats:s the expected action will take place. (This feature is also known as the "Aspiks Hack", in honor of Slu Aspiks, the Inventor of the Non-Disclosure Agreement.) Finally, Intuition can be told to interchange the meanings of the MOUSE_UP and MOUSE_DOWN messages for people who accidentally glue their fingers to the little rodent. FASTER FILESYSTEM The RQFFS (Really Quite Fast File System) is new with version V.00. Both reads and writes have been sped up by 10-50 times. In addition, directory accesses are now instantaneous, even for large directories on floppy disks on plain 68000 machines. In order to obtain this incredible performance boost, we had to make a few compromises, but we think that nobody will notice. These minor changes include: o The letter "Q" (ASCII 81) may not appear in any file. o All filenames must be exactly 256 characters long. o Files are limited in size to 512 bytes. Developers are advised to make their files conform to this new standard before V.00 is released. NEW FEATURES OF V.00 Numerous programs have been enhanced, and others have been added to the SYS: partition. Below are brief descriptions of some of the changes. C/NewShell After years of incorrect behavior, NewShell finally lives up to its name. Every time the user types "NewShell", he/she gets a new shell -- literally!! The first time, it will be the default Amiga shell. The second time, he/she will get an MS-DOS shell. The third time will bring up the UNIX Bourne shell. If the user invokes "NewShell" enough times, the Amiga will automatically generate new kinds of shells with unique commands and syntax. C/Rename Moved to LIBS: directory. C/Type Now has an ARexx port. C/Version Now simply prints "0" and exits. [Note: Current beta release crashes the computer. Randell, please check the OpenLibrary() call?] Prefs/Snort Allows one to choose the default smell of the Amiga at boot time. The user may specify any Sensitive Nose Interchange File Format (SNIFF) file as input. Prefs/Weather Allows the user to receive weather reports worldwide (thanks to locale.library) and modify global weather settings. WARNING: due to a bug, the temperature gadgets currently go all the way up to 150 degrees Celsius -- DO NOT set the temperature too high or else you might be sorry. Utilities/Disease A new virus-protection program. If an infected disk is inserted into an Amiga disk drive, Disease emits a loud, digitized sneeze from the audio outputs, and little drops of moisture appears on the topmost screen or window. It then does a complete disk scan, wiping the boot block and all files clean with a Kleenex (R) tissue. When the REVERSE option is used, Disease will re-infect the disk with an even worse virus and display a requester instructing the user to return the disk to the person who supplied it. Utilities/BLAZESALV Program for restoring a crashed hard drive. Retrieves all lost data and automatically converts them to BLAZEMONGER "save" files. Utilities/Clock Greatly enhanced. Any IFF graphics may be used as the clock image. Can optionally run backwards, forwards, or both. Now contains all functionality of the Commodities Exchange, making Tools/Exchange obsolete. Also has a fully-functional integrated spreadsheet, relational database, and recipe program, plus FAXmodem support. Built-in "Calvin and Hobbes" random quote generator with sound effects. Childproof lid. Fonts/Topaz Obsolete. (Developers -- please modify your applications to accommodate this minor change.) Devs/Printers/Boombox New driver for sending printer data to your stereo system. Makes a God-awful noise. Fun at parties. SPECIFICATIONS OF NEW AAAAAAAA CHIPSET The AAAAAAAA (Advanced Amiga Application Architecture And Active AArdvark) chipset is the product of many centuries of development here at Commodore. Way back around OS version V39, the AA chipset was the big thing. But with the addition of each new "A", we have increased the chipset's capabilities speed and throughput. The final advance was the realization that all bugs could be removed from the chipset by putting an aardvark inside to eat them. Here is an overview of the new AAAAAAAA features. o "A" mode, the default, in which the chipset emulates the ECS or AA chipset, whichever it feels like. o "AA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down and confesses that it used to be an alcoholic. o "AAA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down completely and has to be towed to a nearby service station. o "AAAA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down and confesses that it used to tow cars to nearby service stations. o "AAAAA" mode, "AAAAAA" mode, and "AAAAAAA" mode, which are still carefully guarded secrets. See comp.sys.amiga.advocacy article number 39754 for a complete overview. For more information about the AAAAAAAA chipset, registered developers and pirates should call 222-2222, extension 2, and ask for "Snorky." HOW TO FIND YOURSELF NAKED IN A BATHTUB WITH TORI AMOS OR TOM SELLECK, WHOMEVER YOU PREFER Who says that developers can't have fun? After much input from many of you, we have finally come up with a 100% foolproof method for having s}x}}}i}iii}}i}ii}}}}}iii}}}}}}}}}}}ubber duck alongside the fauc}} }}}iiii}}}}}}}}i}}ii2#(!*$JF(IJDJJAKJDI#@)*IJDWDXD@@#@$(QWIDAKDAC(bibi bibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibi bibi**#*!!!!*!*!**!!!**!!*****!*nderneath! And that's all there is to it. If you don't have your own spatula, registered developers may purchase them (handsomely monogrammed, BTW) through CATS. --------End of forwarded message Sorry, doodz, but that's all there was -- the end of the file was obviously corrupted. Thank God that the important stuff was undamaged -- yeah!! (Who takes baths anyway??) Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// --- Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. So nyaaah.