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Text File | 1988-10-27 | 14.7 KB | 409 lines

DO NOT READ THESE IF YOU CAN'T T A K E A J O K E !! ...Neither Stan Symms nor Futzer Avenue is liable or responsible for the following bad jokes! A guy dies and is going to hell. He finds out that there are three doors and you can go into any one of them he chooses. So he opens the first door and sees hundereds of billions of people standing on their heads on a concreet floor. He dicides he dosn't want to spend the rest of eternity like that so he closes the door.. He goes to the second door and opens it. He sees more hundreds of billions of people standing on their head on a wood floor. He dosn't like that either so he goes to the third door.. Inside there are a few people sitting drinking coffee. Also the floor is covered by 6 inches of dog crap. So he thinks "Hey not bad. It smells pretty horrible in there but still... I like coffee and I don't want to be standing on my head...." So he walks in.. The door slams behind him. Then a man blows a whistle and says "Okay, coffee break's over. Back on your heads!" WARNING!!! THIS VAN PROTECTED BY RABID PITBULL WITH AIDS AIDS: ANAL INJECTION DESERVES SUFFERING GAY: GOT AIDS YET Seen on a pickup truck, being driven by a woman... If it swells, ride it! Seen on a very worn '71 Caddy... This may not be the Mayflower, but your daughter came across in it! What do you get when you cross a helicopter and a Rhinocerus? Ans: hell if I know..Get it? The word for today is LEGS.. Let's SPREAD the word.. STRESS: The confusion felt when your mind overcomes your bodies urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole that really deserves it.... Where can I get cursive? And is it messy when you cross a helicopter and a rhino? The high school shop teacher asks the girl if she knew the difference between screw, nail, and bolt. the girl said she never got bolted before. This gut said"My wife and I have a system for our sex life. When she wants to have sex, she just reaches over, and stroke me once. If she doesn't want to have sex, she reaches over and stroke me 300 times. Why do lesbians think their kind of sex is so good? TASTES GREAT! LESS FILLING!! TASTES GREAT!!! LESS FILLING!!!! there were these scientists who heard about these immortal porpoises on this island and decided that they would try to find out what makes these porpoises live forever. So they got to the island and observed the porpoises and found that their main diet was mina birds. So, they decided to catch some mina birds for experimentation. But when ever they come close to catching a mina bird, a lion would appear and spoil everything. So the scientist decided (again) that they would lay a trap for the lion. so they dug a hole, and put a piece of meat in the hole laced with anesthetic. so, the lion appeared, and fell in the trap, ate the meat, and fell asleep. The scientists then quickly grabbed all the mina birds they can and ran across the trap and were promptly arrested. Why? For transportin minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises. The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash. When her husband asks, "Where did that come from?", she relies, "I woî it in a lottery!" To which he relpies, "That's great! Let's go celebrate." Next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat. Again the husband asks, "Where did that come from?". She says, "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!" Next day she comes in, looking tired as h*ll, wearing a two-carot diamond ring. The husband says "I know. You won the lottery, right?" She replies, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?". "Sure.", he answers. So, tèe guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready." He calls to his wife. She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks, "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies, "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!" Seems there was this girl walking on the beach. She saw this big handsome guy, so she went over to him. When she got close she noticed that he had "CONVERSE" tatooed on him arm. She asked him about it and he said,"They pay me a fee to advertise." They decided to go swimming and when he took off his shirt it said "REEBOK" in big letters. He told her that it was the same situation as the converse ad. Well things started to get hot and heavy, so they went back to his place. When he took off his drawers she noticed it said AIDS in big letters on his penis. She screamed AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! He said don't worry, when it gets hard, it says ADIDAS!!!! Why won't Bush debate Dukakis?? Because he scared to leave Quayle alone for 90 minutes!! What do you name a quadruplegic hanging on the wall? Whats the definition of agony???? A one armed man hanging off a cliff getting a sudden attack of jock itch.... EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! <OUCH!> what's grosser than gros? OPening up the refrigerator door and having a rump roast fart in your face! how can you tell when a lawyer is lying? his lips are moving what's black and six blocks long!...... . .unemployment line! Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. ore jokes found on a JOKE BBS in Washington DC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three missionaries were on an exploration through africa when they were captured by a tribe of head hunters. the chief said to the first one "death or chichi" he thought to himself that anything is better than death "o.k. Chici" the chief yelled"CHICI" the whole tribe ran over and gang raped him. he barely made it out alive. the next guy was given the same proposition. he thought to himself that chici was rough, but at least it was better death. okay "CHICI" he barely made it out alive. the last guy was real religious and would not take that chici, "I choos death! the chief thought to himself and finally said"OKAY DEATH BY CHICI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" What do you have if you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? A sand shortage. What's the differance between a lawyer and a shark? When attacked by a shark, you have a better chance of getting out alive. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? no? Good! ------------------------------------------------------------------ A hunting weekend : Saturday: 2:0°am - Alarm clock goes off. 3:30am - Hunting partner arrives and gets you out of bed. 4:00am - Load pickup and head to the woods. 4:15am - Realize you forgot gun, head back. 4:30am - Driving like hell to get to the woods before daylight. 5:00am - Arrive at woods. 5:30am - Set up camp 6:03am - Spot deer. 6:04am - Get gun. 6:06am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07am - "CLICK". 6:08am - Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00am - Head back to camp. 9:00am - Still looking for camp. 10:00am - Realize you don't know where camp is. noon - Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries. 12:15pm - Ran out of bullets -- 8 deer come back. 12:20pm - Strange feeling in stomach. 12:30pm - Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45pm - Rescued. 12:55pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped. 3:00pm - Arrive back in camp. 3:30pm - Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00pm - Return to camp for bullets. 4:01pm - Load gun -- leave camp again. 5:00pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you. 6:00pm - Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp. 6:01pm - Load gun. 6:02pm - Fire gun. 6:03pm - One dead pickup truck. 6:05pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer. 6:06pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner. 6:07pm - Fall into fire. 6:10pm - Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire. 6:15pm - Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in woods. 6:16pm - Pickup boils over -- hole shot in block. 6:26pm - Start walking. 6:30pm - Stumble and fall -- drop gun in mud. 6:35pm - Meet bear. 6:36pm - Take aim. 6:37pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:38pm - Go in pants. 6:40pm - Climb tree. 7:00pm - Bear departs, wrap ___________ gun around tree.s midnight- Home at last. Sunday: Watch football game on T.V., slowly tearing license into little pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden, with very clear instructions on where to place it. An Iranian gets shot down over Iraq. The Iraqis tell him that they will either kill him immediately, or, he can take the three tests of manliness. He çoes for the tests. He asks his captors what the tests are. "There are three tents", says his captor, "and you must pass a test in each tent or you will be immediately shot". "In the first tent is a gallon of Irish Whiskey which you must drink in less than one hour". The Iranian thinks that test will be great. "In the såcond tent is a vicious tiger with an impacted tooth. You must extract the tooth. It has killed 27 men". The Iranian is not to thrilled with that one. "In the third tent is the most beautiful and voluptuous woman in the entire history of the world. She has never been satisfied. You must satisfy her". The Iranian figures if he gotta go...... So off he goes...into the first tent. One half hour later he emerges from the tent, totally bombed. "OK", says the smashed Iranian pilot, "where is the second tent?". The Iraqis lead him to the second tent. He enters. Soon howling and screaming are heard and tent flaps are flying. A few minutes later the Iranian opens the flap and is joined by his captors. Then, the drunken Iranian asks, "OK, wheres the lady with the impacted tooth?" How did Jim and Tammy Baker first meet? They were both dating Jimmy Swaggert! THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to seek out a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Mille Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited. Her resistance was to a minimum. He laid her on a ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance. Pulling out his voltage probe, he inserted it into her socket, connecting them in a parallel series and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Millie Amp moaned, "Give me mho, mho, mho, give me mho!" With his tube operating at maximum current flow, Millie Amp soon reached her saturation point. The excess current flow caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various cross connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all his field strength. Later Millie Amp tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses. Micro Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses. ÿ A guy is walking along a street in Belfast when somebody pulls him into an alley; sticks a 45 in his gut and demands, "What religion are yuh?" The guy thinks, "My God, if I say protestant, this guy will turn out to be IRA; if I say catholic, he'll be UDF", so the guy says, "I happen to be jewish." The gunman say, "Well, ain't I the luckiest arab in Belfast!" ÿ Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat? The bachelor comes home, sees what"s in the refigertor, and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what"s in bed, and goes to the refrigerator. --- Why Diden"t they let the midget in the nudist colony ? He kept getting into everyone"s hair --- A very young woman married a verry old man, and on their wedding night she jumped into bed ,eager to lose her virginity. the old man held up five fingers "Oh!" the girl giggled. "Does that mean five times?" "No," answered the husband. "You get to choose one." --- A Jew and a Polock were walking down this alley when this big nasty filty biker (X-lawyer "some of you can relate to this") jumps out from behind the dumpster and sez "Give me your money or I'll stick you both with this hypodermic needle full of Aids" The two men look at at each other in shock. The Jew quickly drops his wallet at the mans feet and runs off. The Polock sez "I'm not going to give you my money you big nasty man, get away from me!" So the man grabs the Polock and sticks him with the needle. "Your going to die now Sucker!" The big man sez. But the polock just looks back at the man with a smile on his face and sez "The jokes on you sir...I'm wearing a condom!" What do tight nylons and Dan Rather have in common? They both rub bush the wrong way. Why is the polish army in trouble? they bought 600 septic tanks and have no one to drive them. What do you say to a Mexican driving an expensive car? "STOP THEIF" Why don't you hit a black kid on a bike? it may be your bike why are Jewish men circumcized? because Jewish women like 20% off on everything! If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish what would Cheetah be? A furcoat. TACT: The art of telling someone to go to hell and make him feel happy to be on his way ÿ This man enters a Jewish deli in New York. He is not Jewish and doesn't understand the menu, so he asks the waitress: What's the special today? She tells him it's matzo ball soup. He says OK, I'll have that. Half an hour later the waitress comes back and asks: "Well, how did you like the matzo ball soup?" He says: "It's delicious!Best thing I ever tasted! And tell me: What other parts of the matzo do you people cook? ÿ A young lady of my aquaintance recently made this comment on the election: "In my hart I'm for Bush....but in my bush I'm for Hart!" ÿ When the whole Gary Hart scandle finnaly ended , he and Donna Rice met at a party and Gary Yelled at her "Damnit Donna, I told you to Lick the erection..NOT wreck the election!!!!! Why do they put strings on Tampons? Gives the man something to grab hold of with his teeth!