Amiga ISO Collection/AmigaDemoCD2.iso/ASCII/TEXTE/SEX/ADULTSHARE/L/LIMERIKS.TXT

Text File | 1988-04-22 | 37.5 KB | 1,108 lines

        The Great Limerik Chase: A Showcase Library

    A lady from Dallas named Alice
    Had a thing for a very big phallus
    She searched high and low,
      above and below,
    But no phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

    There once was a girl named Alice
    who used a dynamite stick for a Phallus
      they found her vagina
      in North Carolina
    and bits of her tits in Dallas

Definition:
    phallus (fal'lus,n. [GR. phallos, the virgil organ.]):
        Image of the male organ of fertility and symbolizing the
        the power of fertility and reproductiveness in nature.
        Worshipped in some primative nations(Dallas)

            @ *        *

                 *

            *        *
             *      *
              *    *
               *  *
                ***
                  **
                   **
                    --rimbrant

Here's the WAY the Alice one suppose to GO!!!
    A girl named Alice in Dallas
    Had never felt of a phallus.
        She remained virgo intacto
        Because, ipso facto,
    No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.


    There was once a man from St. Peter,
    Who always had Trouble with Meter,
      He'd reach the end of the line,
      In plenty of time,
    But at the end it all sort of Fell-Apart &
      Didn't make much Sense at all.

                              BY: John A. Piper  esq.

    A honeymoon couple from New Delhi
    Spent their honeymoon belly to belly
      For in their haste,
      They used library paste,
    Instead of petroleum jelly.

    There once was a hermit named Dave
    Who kept a dead whore in his cave
      He said, "What the hell!
      I'll get used to the smell!
    And just think of the money I'll save!!


    There once was a man from Nantuckett
    Whose dick was so long he could suck it
      And he'd say with a grin
      as he'd wipe off his chin
    If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it!!


    There once was a man named Bodini
    Who spilled some gin on his weenie
      Keeping his cooth
      He spilled some vermouth
    And slipped his girl a martini!


    There once was a fag from nantucket
    Who took a pig in a thicket to fuck it
      but the pig said, "You queer,
      get away from my rear,
    just cum around to the front and I'll suck it"

    There once was a whore named Moureen
    Who's cunt was'nt kept very cleen
      The semen would drip out
      of her smelly old spout
    Which she would scrap up and eat it with saltteens.

    if Anita Bryant were the last of her sex
    and I were the last of mine
      I'd ease my tool
      by fucking a mule
    or even a dead pourcupine..

    There once was a man from stamboale
    who discovered red spots on his tool
      he rushed to the doc
      who looked at his cock
    just wipe off the lip stick you fool

    There once was a man from Irac
    Who had holes down the length of his cock
      When he got an errection
      he would play a selection
    from Yohan Sabastion BACH

    A rabbi who lived in PERU
    was Vainly attempting to SCREW
      His wife Oih They
      if you keep on this vay
    the massiagh will cum before YOU

    There once was young lawyer named Murry
    Who said to his client don't worry
      just open your mouth
      and I'll get you out
    you'll just have to blow the whole jury

    There once was a man from conort
    Who's prick was remarkidly short
      When he got into bed
      his lady friend said
    This is not a prick, it's a wort!!

    There once was a young lady named Dot
    Who inserted a fly up in her twat
      When you'd tickle her fuzz
      that fucker would buzz
    Till you glued his wings tight with a shot

    There once was a gal from Hoboken
    who claimed that her cherry was broken
      But while riding her bike
      down a cobble-stone pike
    It was actually broken from pokin'

    There once was a girl from Decater
    who was laid by a huge aligator
      But knowbody knew
      the result of that screw
    Cause after he laid her he ate her

    There once was a guy from wheeling
    who pounded his pud with great feelng
      And then like a trout
      he'd stick his mouth out
    And wait for the drops from the ceiing

    There once was a preist from Birmingham
    who buttered 3 maids whilst confirmng them
      But while praying to God
      he excited his rod
    And pumped his episcopal sperminum

    There was a man from Cass
    Who's balls were made of brass,
      In stormy weather,
      He'd clang 'em together,
    And lightning would shoot out of his ass!

    There once was a man named Merkin,
    Who was always jerking his gerkin
      His mother said "Merkin,
      Stop jerkin your gerkin,
    Your gerkin's for ferkin not jerkin!"

    There once was a lady from Peru,
    who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
      When one led to another
      She soon was a mother,
    So let this be a lesson to you!

    Here's to you, and here's to me
    and may we never disagree.
      But if we do,
      then fuck you,
    and here's to me!

    There once was a young sailor from Brighton
        Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
          She replied, "'Pon my soul,
          You're in the wrong hole
        There's plenty of room in the right'un."

        There was a gay countess of Bray,
        And you may think it odd when I say,
          That in spite of high station,
          Rank and education,
        She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.

        There was an old man of Connaught
        Whose prick was remarkably short.
          When he got into bed,
          The old woman said,
        "This isn't a prick, it's a wart "

        There was a young lass from Surat.
        The cheeks of her ass were so fat
          That they had to be parted
          Whenever she farted,
        And also whenever she shat.

        There was a young lady of Gaza
        Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
          The crabs, in a lump,
          Made tracks to her rump -
        This passing parade did amaze her.

        A doctoral student from Buckingham
        Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
          But a dropout from paree
          Taught him Gamahuchee
        - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.        <higher education>

        There was a young woman of Cheadle,
        Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
          Said she, "Does it itch?"
          "It does, you damned bitch,
        And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."

        There was a poor parson from Goring,
        Who made a small hole in his flooring,
          Fur-lined it all round,
          Then laid on the ground,
        And declared it was cheaper than whoring.       <economic deprivation>

        A potter who lived in Bombay
        Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
          But the heat of his prick
          Kilned the damn thing to brick
        And chafed all his foreskin away.               <murphy's law>

        On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
        His girl got a yen for fellatio.
          As she sucked on his dingus
          He tried cunnilingus
        But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.         <police brutality>

        There was a young man of Calcutta,
        Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
          When he got to c-u,
          A pious Hindoo
        Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.        <anti-graffiti>

        There was a young man of Bombay
        Who buggered his dad once a day.
          He said, "I like, rather,
          Fucking my father --
        He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."        <all in the family>

        There once was a fellow named Bob
        Who in sexual ways was a snob.
          One day he was swimmin'
          With twelve naked women
        And deserted them all for a gob.

        An exotic young lady named Suki
        Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
          When asked for a fuck
          She said, "Solly, no luck--
        See here: looky looky, no nuki "                <inscrutable oriental>

        One evening a guru had coitus
        With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
          When asked what position
          He used for coition,
        He answered serenely, "the loetus."             <transcendental meditation>

        A pious young lady of Chichester
        Made all of the saints in their niches stir
          And each morning at matin
          Her breast in pink satin
        Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

        There was a young lady at sea
        Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
          Said the brawny old mate,
          "That accounts for the state
        Of the cook and the captain and me."

        Said a pornographistic young poet
        "Although I perhaps do not show it,
          My interest in sin
          Is wearing quite thin,
        And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."

        There was a young fellow named Grant
        Who was made like the sensitive plant.
          When they asked "Do you fuck?"
          He replied, "No such luck.
        I would if I could, but I can't."               <botanical>

        There was a young monk of Dundee
        Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
          He said, "Pax vobiscum,
          Now why won't the piss come?
        I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."

        A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
        Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
          To arrest his regard
          She would squat in his yard
        And longingly pee in the sneaux.

        There was a young woman, quite handsome,
        Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
          When she offered much gold
          For release, she was told
        That the view was worth more than the ransom.

        There was a young man from Bengal
        Who claimed he had only one ball,
          But two little bitches
          Pulled down this man's breeches
        And proved he had nothing at all.

        Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
        And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
          How they lift the frock
          And tickle the cock
        Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?

        There was a young lady from Wooster             <ounce of prevention>
        Who complained that too many men gooster.
          So she traded her scanties
          For sandpaper panties,
        Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.

        A weary old lecher named Blott
        Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
          Too lazy to rape her,
          He made darts out of paper,
        Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.

        An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
        Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
          She was finally the prize
          Of a man twice her size
        And all she recalls is the ache.                <just desserts>

        A gifted young fellow from Sparta
        Was widely renowned as a farta'.
          He could fart anything
          From "Of Thee I Sing,"
        To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."              <musical virtuosity>

        A deep-throated virgin named Netty
        Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
          She said, "It tastes nice,
          Much better than rice,
        Though not quite as good as spaghetti."

        There was a young man of Lake Placid
        Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
          When he wanted to sport
          He would have to resort
        To injections of sulphuric acid.

        A certain young sheik of Algiers
        Said to his harem, "My dears,
          Though you may think it odd of me,
          I'm tired of just sodomy
        Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers)

        An ambitious lady named Harriet
        Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
          By seventeen sailors
          A monk and three tailors,
        Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

        The old archeologist, Throstle,
        Discovered a marvelous fossil.
          He knew from its bend
          And the knot on the end,
        T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.

        "Well, madam," the bishop declared,
        While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
          "'Twere better, perhaps,
          In the crypt or the apse,
        Because sex in the nave must be shared."

        The kings of Peru were the Incas,
        Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
          They worshipped the sun
          And had lots of fun,
        But the peasants all thought they were stincas. <clean>

        There was a young lady named Cager
        Who, as the result of a wager,
          Consented to fart
          The entire oboe part
        Of Mozart's quartet in F major.                 <musical virtuosity>

        A whimsical fellow named Bloch
        Could beat the base drum with his cock.
          With a special erection
          He could play a selection
        From Johann Sebastian Bach.                     <musical virtuosity>

        There was an old man of Hong Kong
        Who never did anything wrong.
          He would lie on his back
          With his head in a sack
        And secretly finger his dong.                   <well, almost never>

        Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
        By all of the lads in his class
          He said, with a yawn,
          "Now the novelty's gone
        And it's only a pain in the ass."

        A lad, at his first copulation,
        Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
          Gyration, elation
          Throughout the duration,
        I guess I'll give up masturbation."             <growing up>

        A charmer from old Amarillo,
        Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
          Decided one day
          That to keep men away
        She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.     <ounce of prevention>

        A dentist, young doctor Malone,
        Got a charming girl patient alone,
          And, in his depravity,
          Filled the wrong cavity.
        God, how his practice has grown.

        There was a young lady named Alice
        Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
          'Twas the common belief
          It was done for relief,
        And not out of protestant malice.

        A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
        Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
          As quick as a glance
          He stripped off his pants,
        But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.

        A lady from Old Little Rock
        In fidelity took little stock,
          And deserted her man
          In the streets of Japan
        For a boy with a prehensile cock.       <when opportunity knocks>

        There was a young lady from Munich
        Who had an affair with a eunuch.
          At the height of their passion
          He dealt her a ration
        From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.

        An impish young fellow named James
        Had a passion for idiot games.
          He lighted the hair
          Of his lady's affair
        And laughed as she pissed through the flames.   <pyromania thwarted>

        A cabin boy on an old clipper
        Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
          He plugged up his ass
          With fragments of glass
        And thus circumcised his old skipper.

<My favorite!>

        We sailed on the good ship Venus,
        My god, you should have seen us
          With a figurehead
          Of a whore in bed
        And the mast an upright penis
        The captain of the lugger
        Was known as a filthy bugger
          Declared unfit
          To shovel shit
        From one ship to another
        The first mate's name was Cooper,
        By god he was a trooper
          He jerked and jerked
          Until he worked
        Himself into a stupor
        The cabin boy was chipper,
        A dandy little nipper
          He shoved cracked glass
          Inside his ass
        And circumcised the skipper
        The captain's wife was Charlotte,
        Born and bred a harlot
          Her thighs at night
          Were lily white
        By morning they were scarlet
        The captain's youngest daughter
        Slipped into the water
          Her plaintive squeals
          Announced that eels
        Had found her sexual quarter
        The ship's dog's name was Rover,
        They turned the poor beast over
          And ground and ground
          That faithful hound
        From Tenerief to Dover                          <saga>

        While Titian was mixing rose madder
        His model ascended the ladder
          Her position to titian
          Suggested coition
        So he mounted the ladder and had her

        There was a young girl from New York
        Who plugged up her quim with a cork
          A woodpecker or two
          Made the grade, it is true,
        But it totally baffled the stork.

        A broken-down harlot named Tupps
        Was heard to confess in her cups:
          "The height of my folly
          Was diddling a collie-
        But I got a nice price for the pups."           <animal husbandry>

        There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
        Who insists on a dozen a night.
          A fellow named Cheddar
          Had the brashness to wed her-
        His chance of survival is slight.

        A scandal involving an oyster
        Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
          She preferred it, in bed,
          To the count (so she said)
        'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.

        On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
        Was tatooed the price of her tail
          And on her behind,
          For the sake of the blind,
        Was the same information in Braille.            <clean?>

        Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
        "This must be our final adieu,
          For the vicar is slicker,
          And thicker, and quicker,
        And two inches longer than you."                <relig/internal rhyme>

        There was a young man named Laplace
        Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
          When they banged together
          They played "Stormy Weather"
        And lightning shot out of his ass.              <musical>

        There was a young man named Knute
        Who had warts all over his root.
          He put acid on these
          And now when he pees,
        He fingers the thing like a flute.

        A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
        Went down on her beau in the garden.
          He said, "Good lord, Tess,
          Don't swallow that mess "
        And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"

        An amazon giantess named Dunne
        Let a midget screw her for fun.
          But the poor little runt
          Was engulfed in her cunt
        And re-born as the twin of his son.

        A frustrated lady named Alice
        Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
          They found her vagina
          In North Carolina
        And bits of her tits were in Dallas.

        There was a young lady from Wheeling
        Who had a peculiar feeling.
          She laid on her back
          And tickled her crack
        And pissed all over the ceiling.

        A clever young man named Eugene
        Invented a jack-off machine.
          On the twenty-third stroke
          The goddam thing broke
        And beat both his balls to a creame.

        There was a young man from Racine
        Who invented a fucking machine.
          Concave or convex,
          It served either sex,
        But oh what a bitch to keep clean.

        There was a young man from Rangoon
        Who used to lament 'neath the moon
          That he had the luck
          To be born of a fuck
        That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.   <raunchy>

        The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
        Do an act in the nude on their knees.
          They crawl down the aisle
          While screwing dog-style,
        As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."        <music/theater>

        "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
        "And told my wife to try it on top.
          She bounced for an hour,
          Till she ran out of power,
        And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." <family>

        A greedy young lady from Sidney
        Liked it in up to her kidney,
          Till a man from Quebec
          Shoved it up to her neck--
        He really diddled her, didn' he?

        For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
        That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
          But the one remedy
          For contagious V.D.
        Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.

        A cute little twerp from Samoa
        Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
          It was good for keyholes
          And debutantes' peeholes
        But not worth a damn on a whoa.                 <pd'e>

        A lusty young maid from Seattle
        Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
          Till she found a bull
          Who filled her so full
        It made both her ovaries rattle.                <animal husbandry>

        In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
        Complacently stroking his madam
          And loud was his mirth
          For on all of the earth
        There were only two balls and he had'em.

        There once was a horny old bitch
        With a motorized self-frigger which
          She would use with delight
          All day long and all night -
        Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.

        The new cinematic emporium
        Is not just a super-sensorium,
          But a highly effectual
          Heterosexual
        Mutual masturbatorium.

        There was a young man of Devizes,
        Whose balls were of different sizes.
          One was so small,
          It was nothing at all;
        The other took numerous prizes.

        A talented girl from Detroit
        Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
          She could squeeze her vagina
          To a pin-point or finer
        Or open it out like a quoit.

        There was a young royal marine,
        Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
          When he reached the soprano
          Out came only guano
        And his britches weren't fit to be seen.        <music>

        There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
        Whose people all thought her a virgin,
          Till they found her in bed
          With her twat very red,
        And the head of a kid just emergin'.

        There was a young girl from Samoa
        Who pledged that no man would know her.
          One young fellow tried,
          But she wriggled aside,
        And he spilled all his spermatozoa.

        There was a young lady named Wylde
        Who kept herself quite undefiled
          By thinking of Jesus;
          Contagious diseases;
        And the bother of having a child.

        That naughty old Sappho of Greece
        Said: "What I prefer to a piece
          Is to have my pudenda
          Rubbed hard by the enda
        The little pink nose of my niece."              <12th letter>

        There was a young lady from Norway
        Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
          She told her young man,
          "Get off the divan,
        I think I've discovered one more way "

        There was a young girl who begat
        Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
          T'was fun in the breeding
          But hell in the feeding
        When she found there's no tit for Tat.          <sic>

        A busy young lady named Gloria
        Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
          And then by six men,
          Sir Gerald again,
        And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

        Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
        He tried to make love to a puma.
          Seems the puma, in play,
          Tore his testes away -
        - An example of animal huma.                    <animal husbandry>

        A cautious young fellow named Lodge
        Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
          When his date was strapped in,
          He committed a sin,
        Without even leaving his grodge.                <sic/highway safety>

        To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
        "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
          Is your east tit the least bit
          The best of your west tit,
        Or is it a trick of perspective?"

        There once was a lady named Myrtle
        Who had an affair with a turtle.
          She had crabs, so they say,
          In a year and a day
        Which proved that that turtle was fertile.      <animal husbandry>

        There once was a fellow named Brewster
        Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
          "It used to be grand
          But look at my hand
        You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."        <marital discord>

    A petulant man once said, "Pish
        Your cunt is as big as a dish."
          She replied, "Why you fool,
          With your limp little tool,
        It's like driving a pin with a fish."

        There was an old man from Bengal
        Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
          His favorite trick
          Was to stand on his dick
        While he rolled around on one ball.

        There once was a fellow named Sweeney
        Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
          Not being uncouth,
          He added vermouth
        And slipped his amour a martini.                <aa>

        On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
        Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
          Not russian elite-
          She's eager to eat
        Whatever or whoever lays her.                   <boston accent>

        There once was a maid from Mobile
        Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
          She only got thrills
          From pneumatic drills
        And an off-centered emery wheel.                <popular mechanics>

        There was a young fellow named Feeney
        Whose girl was a terrible meany.
          The hatch of her snatch
          Had a catch that would latch
        - She could only be screwed by Houdini.         <internal rhyme>

        There was a young lady from Wheeling
        Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
          But a cynic named Boris
          Just touched her clitoris
        And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

        A marine being sent to Hong Kong
        Got a doctor to alter his dong.
          He sailed off with a tool
          Flat and thin as a rule -
        When he got there he found he was wrong.        <folklore>

        There was a young girl from East Lynn
        Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
          Had filled up her crack
          With hard-setting shellac,
        But the boys picked it out with a pin.

        There was a young girl named Saphire
        Who succumbed to her lovers desire.
          She said, "It's a sin,
          But now that it's in,
        Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

        There was a young lady named Nelly
        Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
          They could tickle her twat
          Or be tied in a knot,
        And could even swat flies on her belly.

        There once was a girl named Priscilla
        Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
          The taste was so fine
          Man and beast stood in line
        (Including a stud armadilla).

        There was an old man from Duluth
        Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
          He fucked with his nose
          Or his fingers and toes
        And he came thru a hole in his tooth.           <unlikely>

        There was a young lady from Rheims
        Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
          A friend poked around
          And a fly-button found
        Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.

    A mathematician named Hall,
    had a hexahedronical ball.
      The cube of its weight
      times his pecker, plus eight,
    Is his phone number, give him a call.

    There once was a Count from Svoboda
    Who could not pay a whore whate owed 'a
      So with great savoir faire,
      She stood on a chair,
    And pissed in his whiskey and soda.

    "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
    "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
      It's not that I funk
      At a mouthful of spunk,
    But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"

<The once was a readnews bug...>

        There was a young lady from Siam
        Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
          "You may kiss me of course,
          But you'll have to use force.
        Though god knows you're stronger than I am."    <clean>

        A handsome young rodent named Gratian
        As a lifeguard became a sensation.
          All the lady mice waved
          And screamed to be saved
        By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.            <first aid>

        In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
        Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
          But this lubricant lapse
          Isn't noticed, perhaps
        Because nobody does in Duluth.                  <effete snobery>

        A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
        And had an affair with a Saracen.
          She was not oversexed,
          Or jealous or vexed,
        She just wanted to make a comparison.           <consumer affairs>

        A princess who lived near a bog
        Met a prince in the form of a frog.
          Now she and her prince
          Are the parents of quints,
        Four boys and one fine polliwog.                <animal husbandry>

        A new dramatist of the absurd
        Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
          I learn from my spies
          He's about to devise
        An unprintable three-letter word.               <improved vocabulary>

        A teenage protester named Lil
        Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
          First they bugged our martinis,
          Our bras and bikinis,
        And now they are bugging the pill."             <pubic disclosure>

        There once was a monk of Camyre
        Who was seized with a carnal desire
          And the primary cause
          Was the abbess's drawers
        Which were hung up to dry by the fire.

        A lovely young maid from St. Jude
        Once rode through the streets in the nude.
          The police cried, "Whatam--
          Agnificent bottom"
        And slapped it as hard as they cude.

        There was an old person of Ware
        Who had an affair with a bear.
          He explained, "I don't mind,
          For it's gentle and kind,
        But I wish it had slightly less hair."

        A hearty young fellow named Yost
        Once had an affair with a ghost.
          At the height of the spasm
          The poor ectoplasm
        Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."

        God's plan had a great beginning,
        But man spoiled his chances by sinning
          We trust that the story
          Will end in God's glory
        But at present the other side's winning.

        There once was an Arpanet freak,
        Who better response-time did seek.
          He searched coast to coast,
          For a reliable host,
        Whose logger took less than a week.

        A software technician from Digital
        Had hardware extremely prodigical.
          It's rumoured, I hear,
          That when he was near
        He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.

        There was a young lady named Rose
        With erogenous zones in her toes.
          She remained onanistic
          Till a foot-fetishistic
        Young man became one of her beaux.              <clean/psych>

        There was a young man named Rex
        Who really was small for his sex.
          When tried for exposure
          The judge's disclosure
        Was "de minimus non curat lex."                 <clean/legal/latin>

        A computer called Illiac4
        Had a rather tough bug in its core.
          It chewed up its cards
          And spewed yards and yards
        Of illegible tape on the floor.                 <clean>

        There was an old maid from Cape Cod
        Who thought all good things came from god.
          But it wasn't the almighty
          Who lifted her nighty,
        It was Roger, the lodger, by god.

        An architect fellow named Yoric
        Could, when feeling euphoric,
          Display for selection
          Three kinds of erection-
        Corinthian,ionic,and doric.

        There was a young man from Boston
        Who rode around in an Austin.
          There was room for his ass
          And a gallon of gas,
        But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

        There once was a girl from Madras
        Who had such a beautiful ass -
          It was not round and pink
          ( as you bastards think )
        But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.        <clean?>

        She begged and she pleaded for more.
        I said, "We've already had four,
          And I'm sure that you've heard,
          Though its somewhat absurd,
        That eros spelt backwards is sore."

-->     A geneticist living in Delft
        Scientifically played with himself,
          And when he was done
          He labled it: son,
        And filed him away on a shelf.

        Said Einstein, "I have an equation
        Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
          Let  v  be virginity
          Approaching infinity;
        Let  p  be a constant persuasion;
        Let  p  over  p  be inverted
        With the square root of mu inserted
          N  times into  v  ...
          The result, Q E D,
        Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.              <clean?>

        An artist who lived in Australia
        Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
          The drawing was fine,
          The colour - devine,
        The scent - ah, that was a failia.

        There was a young lady from Spain
        Who got sick as she rode on a train;
          Not once, but again,
          And again, and again,
        And again, and again, and again.                <clean>

        According to experts, the oyster
        In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
          May frequently be
          Either he or a she
        Or both, if it should be its choice ter.        <clean>

        The cruelest of creatures' the crab
        With claws that can pinch you or stab,
          And then when you dine
          On crab and white wine
        It gets you as well with the tab.               <clean>

        There was a young girl from Peru,
        Who noticed her lovers were few;
          So she walked out her door
          With a fig leaf, no more,
        And now she's in bed - with the flu.            <clean>

        There was a young lady from Spain
        Who demurely undressed on a train.
          A helpful young porter
          Helped more than he orter,
        And she promptly cried "Help me again"          <clean>

        A girl camper once had an affair
        With a fellow all covered with hair.
          When she gave him his hat
          She realized that
        She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.              <animal husbandry>

        A progressive professor named Winners
        Held classes each evening for sinners.
          They were graded and spaced
          So the vile and debased
        Would not be held back by beginners.            <modern education>

        There was a man from Mich.
        Who used to wish and wich.
          That spring would come
          So he could bum
        Around and go out fich.                         <clean/abbr.>

        There was a young lady named Ciss
        Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
          But she'll never restate,
          For a wheel off her skate
        .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM         <clean>

        A joker who haunts Monticello
        Is really a terrible fellow.
          In the midst of caresses
          He fills ladies dresses
        With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.       <clean>

        There was a young fellow named Hatch
        Who was fond of the music of Bach.
          He said: "It's not fussy
          Like Brahms and Debussy;
        Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."          <clean>

        A lady from Kalamazoo
        Once found she had nothing to do,
          So she sat on the stairs
          And she counted her hairs:
        4,302.

        A corpulent maiden named Kroll
        Had a notion exceedingly droll:
          At a masquerade ball,
          Dressed in nothing at all,
        She backed in as a Parker House roll.           <clean>


        On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
        Was tatooed the price of her tail
          And on her behind,
          For the sake of the blind,
        Was the same information in Braille.            <clean?>

        If continence causes neurosis
        And intercourse causes thrombosis
          I'd rather expire
          Fulfilling desire
        Than live in a state of psychosis.              <clean>

        There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
        Who insists on a dozen a night.
          A fellow named Cheddar
          Had the brashness to wed her-
        His chance of survival is slight.

        There was a young poet named Dan,
        Whose poetry never would scan.
          When told this was so,
          He said, "Yes, i know,
        It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
                        Last line that I can."          <clean>