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It seems like everyone whats this Guide, so here it is, have fun People @BEGIN_FILE_ID.DIZ A Girl's Guide To Condoms@END_FILE_ID.DIZ by Mimi Coucher WARNING: Boys cannot read this. If you are a boy and are reading this, stop immediately. The following article is chock-full of highly intimate girl secrets that will be 10 times more embarrassing than any TV commercial for feminine-hygiene products you've ever seen. So quit it. I mean it. You'll be sorry. =============== Condoms Demystified There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good because they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to lubricate them with mint jelly.) There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y. The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to be stimulating? Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, designed by men. If Girls Designed Condoms... What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded. "But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loudest voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask her about width. Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to-skin senstion they already claim condoms rob them of. And we can't have that. No, we modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and microscopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three sizes:jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more. But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or athlete's foot spray. So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh --don't mix them up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following items: Tickle anti-perspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for important condom experiments at home. At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, practice, practice. And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies. Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing. Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both. The Condomed Man It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relationship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduction when you're ready to make the leap between the sheets. Call that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out... want to come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going home." Welcome To The Safety Patrol Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in rubber." And he won't mind one bit. Greetings, World! The following is especially for those of you who doesn't believe in using a "CONDOM". If you think it is offending, well, don't think it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in december, gift wrap your member 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. No glove, no love! ====================== THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX ====================== ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent..........12 Shoes flew off...................35 Without partner's consent......187 Expression didn't change.........1/2 Orchestra swelled.................6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang Using two calm hands.............7 Large birds......................7 Using one trembling hand........36 Small birds......................3 Earth moved......................30 Lifting partner.................15 PULLING OUT: Dragging partner along floor....16 After orgasm......................1/2 Using skateboard.................3 A few moments before orgasm......500 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: For normal healthy man...........2.5 For woman..........................3 Losing erection.................14 For men...........................72 Searching for it...............115 GUILT: PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,orgasm With erection....................1.5 comes easily,naturally............53 Without erection...............300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving...........................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour.............3 Experienced.....................6 Putting it on expense account....20 Inexperienced..................73 If a man does it...............680 AGGRAVATION: Add (5) calories for retreiving it Partner keeps showing plants.......5 from accross the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay...................14 POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner just visited bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time..........................10 kitchen.........................26 Partner is taking phone calls......7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner is making phone calls.....40 Man getting permission..........55 American- Both on top...........60 GETTING CAUGHT: By partner's spouse...............60 POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE: By your spouse...................100 Bouncing.........................7 Trying to explain.................55 Sliding around...................9 Trying to remain calm............100 Serious skidding................12 Leaping out of bed................75 Whiplash........................27 Getting dressed in one motion....500 Thanking partner quickly...........2 ORGASM: Real............................27 Faked..........................160 THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ Study each question carefully. Then choose the answer that seems more correct, True or False. 1. A clitoris is a type of flower. 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. 3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird. 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. 5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. 6. A g-string is part of a violin. 7. Semen is another word for "sailors." 8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly." 9. Testicles are found on an octopus. 10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke." 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 16. A condom is an apartment complex. 17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church. 18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles. 20. An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials. 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. 23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. 25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve." 26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. 27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. 28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. 29. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden. 30. A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set. 31. Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger. 32. Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages. 33. Phallus was a city on the Nile. 34. VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11. 35. Herpes was a Greek god. 36. A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk. 37. The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1. TOP SEVEN DUMB THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR DICK: 7> Use it to discipline your pitbull 6> Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working. 5> Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster 4> Get a blow job from a cannibal 3> Substitute it for a golf tee 2> Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed and number one: (drum role please.....) 1> Screw the 15 year old daughter of a redneck Texan gun salesman! 21 REASONS CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. 9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married on penicillin trying to screw your sister. 10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick. 18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you. Someone replied that the beer article was slanted towards men. I just received a list that is slanted towards women. I thought that I would share it with you. ( :*) ) Teddy Bears are better than men because . . . 1. Teddy Bears are happy to snuggle all night long. 2. Teddy Bears rarely have prickly whiskers. 3. Teddy Bears always keep your secrets. 4. You can always buy a bigger teddy bear. 5. Teddy Bears never bore you to death with details of the games. 6. Teddy Bears can hug for long periods of time. 7. Teddy Bears usually smell nice and are always soft and cuddly. 8. Teddy Bears hardly ever smoke and rarely even smell from tobacco. 9. Teddy Bears are perfectly willing to make long term commitments. 10. Teddy Bears make excellent travelling companions. 11. Teddy Bears sleep soundly without wriggling around, snoring, and hogging all the covers. 12. Teddy Bears are not often jealous of other teddy bears. 13. Teddy Bears never transmit nasty diseases. 14. Teddy Bears aren't only interested in sex. 15. Teddy Bears know when you've had a bad day. 16. Teddy Bears love to vacation at the spot you select. 17. Teddy Bears don't have to hide when your mother comes to visit. 18. Only once in a blue moon will a Teddy Bear break your heart. 19. Teddy Bears have little anxiety about their abilities in bed. 20. Teddy Bears like it when you wear flannel nightgowns. 21. Teddy Bears hardly ever complain about your bedtime makeup preparations. 22. Most Teddy Bears don`t hog the whole bed. 23. Teddy Bears never stand up their dates. 24. Teddy Bears are never on a business trip when you really need them. 25. Teddy Bears are happy to stay loyally in your bed when you are away. 26. Teddy Bears get on perfectly with your pets. 27. Teddy Bears always like your friends. 28. Teddy Bears don't have weird eating habits. 29. Teddy Bears invariably understand when you have a headache. 30. Teddy Bears almost never complain about your housekeeping. 31. Teddy Bears don't shock neighbors by their presence. 32. Teddy Bears are rarely too young or too old. 33. Teddy Bears don't require home cooked meals. 34. Teddy Bears never borrow your car. 35. Teddy Bears get on famously with all your relatives. 36. Teddy Bears would never make fun of your anxieties. 37. Teddy Bears aren't paranoid about catching your cold. 38. Teddy Bears don't care a bit what you spend your money on. 39. Teddy Bearsare always ready to help you in an emergency. 40. Teddy Bears never have cold hands or scratchy toenails. 41. Teddy Bears can't possibly get you in trouble. 42. Teddy Bears don't get suddenly amorous in the middle of the night. 43. Teddy Bears love just as much the morning after. 44. Teddy Bears never leave your bathroom a wreck. 45. Teddy Bears don't mess up your apartment, and they generate only modest amounts of laundry. 46. Teddy Bears are the safest, cuddliest people in the whole wide world. Just thought that most people would like this list. I know I did. George Harris On Men and Women On the subject of men: I've been a member of the gender for 24 years. I've stumbled through many of the stages of becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because I had grown seven inches if four days. Regarding women: You could take what I know about women and place this information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have room left for a network executive's brain. But that has not stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding, admiring, and wondering about women. One basic truth: Men and women are different. Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey. We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships. My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women. Relationships First of all, a man does not call a relationship "a relationship." He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. Sex Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay. Maturity Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work. Hats Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. Groceries A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane. Magazines Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Handwriting To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Comedy Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. Bathrooms A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Going Out When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup. Cats Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Shoes When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day. Leg Warmers Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line. Mirrors Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head. Menopause When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. The Telephone Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Offspring Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house. Low Blows Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain. Directions If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store." Admitting Mistakes Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. Richard Gere Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Dressing Up A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. Nicknames With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless. Toys Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Plants A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. Mustaches Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. David Letterman Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut. Cameras Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures. Locker Rooms In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Laundry Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to met beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style. Politics Men love to talk \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ // John L. Byrnes Mail: pyr576@oz.plymouth.edu// // 8 Merrill Street Apt. 57 // // Plymouth, N.H. 03264 // // (603) 535 - 7057 // // Alias : Scrumper // \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\