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Too Whom It May Concern, The following was mailed to me originating from the chain mail pool of perverts at ECN. Don't blame me, I just thought I would pass it along... ---------------------------------------------------------------- AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: If two bits make a nibble and two nibbles make a byte, what does two bytes make? A dog mad. If sixty men can do sixty times the work of one man, and it takes one man sixty seconds to dig a posthole; can sixty men dig a posthole in one second? Logic and paradox: What do you get if you divide infinity by two? (Half of one hell of a lot of something....) How long is a string? a. If you say you dont know,they say you're stupid. b. If you say twice as long as half of it they say you're a real smart-ass. Why do physicists make good dictators? Because they have practiced applying force to the masses. Let it be known........... The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only at midnight..... (Maybe not funny, but very deep...) who.....who.....who..... (also very deep...) She said ... "If I was only half as smart as I think I am, I would still be twice as smart as you think you are." Do you know how many neuter martians it takes to wash a car? ??? HOW DO YOU KEEP A POLLOCK IN SUSPENSE? What did the gum say to the tennis shoe?? I'm stuck to you!!!! how many computer scientists does it take to screw in light bulb? None, its a hardware problem. What put you in such a rambunctious mood?, your dog pee in your corn flakes this morning? Niklaus Wirth (inventor of Pascal) has complained that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Nee-Klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. Computer Science is to Science, as Plumbing is to Fluid Mechanics. A saying taken from a desk tag: To err is Human; ---------------------------- to really foul things up requires a computer. Q: Why don't guys from Minnesota like girls from same going out with guys from Wisconsin? A: Have you ever seen a gopher hole when a badger gets throught with it? WHY IS THEIR NO ICE IN IOWA STATE DRINKS? BECAUSE THE GUY WITH THE RECIPE GRADUATED. HOW MANY IOWEGIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? FOUR ... ONE TO HOLD THE BULB DOWN, TWO TO HOLD SAFETY PINS, AND ONE TO LICK THE HOLE CLEAN. "we tried to tell you earlier in the film but you just panned off us..." I don't like all this sex on the tellyvision. I mean, I keep falling off! And how do YOU get on with French people? . . . More importantly, how do you get OFF with French people? We are the knights who say nee and you shall not pass unless you have any shrubry Oh Brave Sir Robin! She turned me into a newt she did. What do you mean I don't need a fish licence?? I got one for my pet cat ERIC!! REMEMBER THERE'S TWO WAYS TO SAY ANYTHING: "WHEN I LOOK AT YOU TIME STANDS STILL," OR "YOUR FACE CAN STOP A CLOCK." "You have a peaches and cream complexion," or "Your face could sour milk..." "She's semi-beautiful," or "She looks like a Mack truck." SEX IS LIKE SNOW: YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO GET OR HOW LONG IT WILL LAST. PLAYING BRIDGE IS A LOT LIKE SEX: IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD PARTNER, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A GOOD HAND. MOMMY,MOMMY : Are you sure this is the way to make pizza?? Shut-up and get back in the oven! I don't want to see Grandma! Shut-up and keep digging... I hate spaghetti! Shut-up, or I'll take the veins out of your other arm! I hate my sister's guts... Shut up! You'll eat what's been put in front of you... I LOOK LIKE A WEREWOLF! SHUT UP AND COMB YOUR FACE!! Why am I running in circles? Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor. Tommy just cut off my legs with the power saw!! Well, don't come running to me for help!!! I don't like tomato soup. Shut up, and drink it before it clots! but I don't like hamburger! Shut up, and put your arm back in the meat grinder. Daddys throwing up! So why are you crying? Tom is getting all the big pieces! THAT ISN'T OUR BABY!! SHUT UP, ITS A BETTER CARRIAGE. I DON'T WANT TO SEE EUROPE. SHUT UP AND KEEP ROWING! WHY CAN''T I PLAY WITH THE OTHER KIDS? SHUT UP AND DEAL. LAWNMOWER JUST CUT OFF MY FOOT! WELL STAY OUTSIDE TILL IT STOPS BLEEDING, I JUST VACUMED THE RUG. JUNIORS ON FIRE! WELL SHUT OFF THE FURNACE, THERE'S NO SENCE IN WASTING FUEL. BUT MOMMY, I LIKE TO TALK. SHUT UP AND DRINK THIS GLUE!! MOM,QUICK,WHERE ARE THE MARSHMELLOWS? WHY? MARVIN'S ON FIRE! CAN JOHNNY COME OUT AND PLAY WITH US? NO, HE DIED 3 DAYS AGO. WELL, CAN WE USE HIS SLED? WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET A TRASH CAN? SHUT UP AND KEEP EATING! Why is daddy running? Shut up and pull the trigger!!! I don't like being buried up to my neck! /- Shut up while I mow the lawn. __o ____o_____mower/_______ The doctor said I had AIDS. What does that mean? Adios, Ignorant Dick-Sucker How was copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over a penny. QUES: OKAY, SO HOW DO YOU DIVIDE A PIE EIGHT WAYS? ANS: GIVE IT TO FIVE ARABS WITH AK-47s Did you hear about the new aardvark tire? It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up. Did you hear about the Italian snow tires? Dago thru snow, Dago thru ice but when dago flat dago "Wop Wop Wop". WHY DID THE JEWS WANDER AROUND THE WILDERNESS FOR 40 YEARS(IN THE BIBLE)?? SOMEBODY LOST A QUARTER. what did the elephaant say to the nakedman? how do you breath out of that thing? How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only 2 of course, but I still can't figure out how they get in there. THERE WERE TWO FLIES ON THE CEILING, ONE SAID TO THE OTHER; "ZIP YOUR HUMAN!" Did you hear about the two flies sitting on a toilet seat having an argument? One of them got pissed off!!!! Have ye heard the tale of the lasses of Ireland? Well, they always carried with them a lemon, in case of seduction. Now the effectiveness of the lemon, as a deterrent, was not great. But, it served to take the smile off the lasses' face before she returned home. A MAN GOT TO HEAVEN AND FOUND TWO LINES. ONE LINE SAID,"HEN PECKED MEN." ABOVE IT, THE OTHER SAID, "BOSSES". THERE WAS A LONG, LONG LINE AT THE HEN-PECKED LINE, BUT THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAN STANDING IN THE BOSSES LINE. WHEN ST.PETER ASKED THE MAN IN THE BOSSES LINE WHY HE WAS THE ONLY ONE STANDING THERE, THE MAN REPLIED, "I DON'T KNOW, MY WIFE TOLD ME TO STAND HERE." How is the Starship Enterprise and Truck Driver's toungues alike? They both wipe out Klingons from around Uranus. Q: Why did California get AIDS and Indiana get Purdue?? A: Because California had first choice! When comparing N.D. with P.U., you always have to put N.D. on top. Why? Because you can't divide by 0. (as in PU/ND) "What do you mean that girls are like rocks?" "The flat ones are better to skip!" WHAT DID THE HIGH-SCHOOL BOYS SAY TO THE FLAT-CHESTED CHICK WHEN THEY LOOKED DOWN HER SHIRT ? NICE SHOES. prelude: In the silicon valley in California, there is a distinct breed of computer genuises called Silicon Valley Guys(SVGs) How many teen-age SVGs does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: - One to reroute the high-voltage lines from his neigh- borhood to Canada, causing a brown-out all along the west coast. - One to hijack a shipment of arc lamps headed for the astro- dome. - One to rewire the house with 12 in. coaxial cable. - One to install a 6 ton air handeller and cooling system, and : - One to unscrew the old bulb to substitute the greater light source. Did You Know? IT TAKES THE AVERAGE CHICKEN-PLUCKING MACHINE ABOUT 14 SECONDS TO PLUCK A CHICKEN. Evan Finch's middle name is "George." All of the cichlids in Lake Malawi are of Haplichromis origin. The square root of two is 1.141 The square root of two is a little-known fact??? Maybe not, but the state of Indiana in 1920s passed a law setting pi equal to 3.4159 ... exactly. How do you confuse a polock?? Put three shovels in a corner and tell him to take his pick! Did you hear about the polack whose doctor told him he only had two weeks to live???? He said I'll take one one week in JULY and one week in SEPTEMBER!!!!!!! WHY DID THE POLLACK LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR A OUTHOUSE?? THE HOLE WAS SMALLER, AND IT SMELLED BETTER!! Did you hear about the Polack who thought that Grape Nuts was a form of venereal disease? How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb? 11 --- 1 to change it and 10 to sing about it! What's the difference between a PHI MU and a bowling ball? ---- You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball! What's the difference between a PHI MU and a Rolls Royce? ---- Not everybody's been in a Rolls! What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Walks home! What's the difference between an IU sorority girl and an elephant? About 5 pounds! What's better for keeping time than a Timex watch? The Phi Mu sorority! What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage? Garbage gets taken out once a week! What's red and sits in the corner? A baby with a razor blade. What's red and green and sits in the same corner? The same baby 2 months later. What's black and green and sits in a corner? The same baby 6 months later. What's blue and white and sits in a corner? A baby in a plastic bag. How did the dead baby get across the road? It was tied to the chicken. what is grosser than a barrel of dead babies? A live one at the bottom, eating his way out. how do you unload a truck full of dead babies? With a pitchfork! What is red and swings through the air? Dead baby on a meathook. What is red and flies through the air? A dead baby pushed through a fan. WHAT'S GREEN AND HANGS ON THE END OF YOUR LEG?? A HOMESICK ABORTION!! How do you fit a truckload of dead babies into a telephone booth ?? La Machine !!!!! (any good food processor will do). How do you get them out ??? A straw !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do you make a dead baby float???? A big glass, 3 scoops of Vanilla ice cream, 1 dead baby, and soda of your choice. Your Mama is so stuped that she has a wooden leg and uses a kickstand....... yo mama swims after troopships Yo mamma so uglyy that when she looks in a mirror, she scares herself. Yo mama's so dry that the crabs carry canteens! Yo mama does squat-thrusts on fire-hydrants. Oh, sage can you E, by the con's dim green light, when so loudly we hailed, at the twilight's last gleaming, whose key strokes and bright windows, while in rollout we watched, were so vibrantly glowing? Oh, say does that program still run, in the core of memory and on disks that are free? DUMB MARY JANE: DUMB MARY JANE WAS PUSHING THE BABY CARRIAGE UP A HILL. WHEN SHE GOT TO THE TOP, SHE LET IT GO DOWN THE OTHER SIDE. DUMB MARY JANE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE SHE KNEW THAT THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! ALL THE BOYS WANTED DUMB MARY JANE TO CLIMB UP THE FLAG POLE SO THEY COULD SEE HER UNDERWEAR, BUT DUMB MARY JANE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY ON. Dumb Mary Jane was riding a car. She was going 100 mph. A police car was chasing her. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. Do you know why??? Because it was her friend Hester Sue's car! One day, dumb Mary Jane was with her friend, Computer Whiz Joe. Computer Whiz Joe was sad because his printer was broken. He didn't know what to do. Dumb Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she thought she was smarter than him. Do you know what Dumb Mary Jane said?? TAKE IT TO A HARDWARE STORE!! Mary Jane ran into the house, screaming 'Mommy I just set the garage on fire!' Mary Jane's mother said, you just wait till your father gets home!!! M.J. laughed and she laughed and she laughed...why? Because she knew her father was in the garage. There once was a bum who stopped a taxi. He asked the taxi driver if his cab would hold a pizza, 20 beers, 4 steaks, and a pound of cheese. The cabby said "of course". The man said "Good, BLUUUUCCHLH[LAAAARRRRRR- CHHHHHBBBBBEELLLLEEECCCHHH" did ya hear about the notre dame coach breaking his leg? he was at home raking leaves and fell out of a tree. the lawyer who was a graduate of notre dame was irate. "do you know the penalty for perjury?," he shouted at the witness. a few minutes ago you told this court that you only have 1 brother. now your sister swears that she has 2 brothers. let's have the truth! did you hear about the indiana student who studied five days for a urine test? and then there was the iowa student who was such a slow reader he had to go back to the optometrist a second time to finish the eye chart. And we all know why they don't have ice at Notre Dame. The guy with the recipe graduated and went to grad school at IU! professor: are the examination questions giving you any trouble? student: no. the questions are clear. it's the answers that's the problem. There was a big football game between Michigan and Purdue at Purdue. A guy from each team met each other in the restroom taking a squirt. As they finished the Purdue guy started to walk over and wash his hands as the Michigan guy was just going to walk out. The Purdue guy says to the Michigan guy, "You're not going to wash your hands? What the hell do they teach you up there?" The Michigan guy responded, "They teach us not to piss on our hands!" Why do they use Astro-turf at I.U.'s sports events instead of just plain grass? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing. what do richard pryor, michael jackson, and margaret houlihan all have in common? they've all had major burns. If richard pryor and michael jackson were to start a college scholarship what would it be called? The Ignited Negro College Fund! Famous answers on the phone ... "City morgue ... you kill 'em, we chill 'em." "McCutcheon Hall, 6th floor summer home... Some are home, some are not.." "Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat. Archie the manager speakin', Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello Duffy." what's gray and has purple feet? an elephant that makes its own wine. what's big as an elephant but doesn't weigh an ounce? an elephant's shadow. what is gray on the inside and clear on the outside? an elephant in a plastic bag. what's gray and lights up? an electric elephant. why do elephants like peanuts? because they like to save the wrappers for valuable prizes. TWO MEN STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER PISSING. ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER : "YOU'RE JEWISH, AREN'T YOU?" "YES ", REPLIED THE SECOND . "YOU'RE RABBI IS RABBI COHEN , RIGHT?" "YES, HOW DID YOU KNOW", REPLIED THE SECOND. "YOU'RE PISSING ON MY FOOT" <Sign on Program Maintainer's desk : "The Bug Stops Here!" > Last week I posted the Official Equation of the 1984 Summer Olympic Games: ___ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3 V 4 2 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 7 10 months ago, when i first posted it, i didn't get a reply. Maybe it never got to the net, because this time i received 23 replys (including postings). The Solo., as published in the linguistics magazine, is: A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Is nine squared, and not a bit more. Four people gave this answer; eight more gave equivalent answers, with perfect meter and perfect rhyme (so far as i can judge). Ten others made attempts, many failing only due to the words being improperly accented in order to get the meter correct. All of the responses (minus some of the sender's names) are being posted in a note to net.jokes.d sdcrdcf!alan . . . . . When I heard about Nate... Nate the snake's job was to guard a lever which, if ever thrown, would destroy the world. Nate did his job well, until one day, a truck came careening toward it. Nate had to make a decision, whether to throw himself in front of the truck to stop it, or let it hit the lever, and of course he decided better Nate than lever. ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT MORE YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU. Why is sex like air? Because it is no big thing unless you are not getting any! David Letterman Quotables... THEY PELTED US WITH ROCKS AND GARBAGE! I do and do and do for you kids, And this is the thanks I get!!!! 'Waddya want, wicka?' "Say Paddy, do you know why there are no Irishmen in heaven?" "No Mike, why are there no Irishmen in heaven?" "Why?, they drink Irish whiskey, and that's so good it's a sin." "Say Mike, do you know why there can't be any Scots in hell?" "No Paddy, why aren't there any Scots in hell?" "Did you ever drink Scotch?" --------------------------Profoundity...----------------------------------- We keep talking about it. We say we want it. WE say we are going to do it. But we never make any real progress. Maybe it is hard. Maybe we are afraid of it. Don't think about why you are doing what you are doing. You may stop doing it! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student : I have all these tests coming up. Professor : Good excuse to learn the material! A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. When the head of Learjet received a complaint that a six foot person could not stand erect in one of his airplanes, he responded that one cannot stand in a Rolls Royce either. Howard is a great watchdog. He watched the last three burglaries at our house. When you ask someone to send something to you airmail and it doesn't arrive in a week , tell him you didn't mean dirigible service. Lu: Where are we? Wo: Well, you are on the road to tommorrow and here is today. It is a nice place to visit but you can't stay here for long. Seen in a local apartment complex: "Extermination is provided on 1 and 3rd. If we are unable to gain access, or the room is not properly prepared, your apartment will not be treated. This includes covering all dishes, etc. etc. "Those tenants who need to be exterminated, call the management office." Fritz Mondale asked John Zacarro (Ferraro's husband) how he liked playing second fiddle to such a successful attractive intelligent female. John Zacarro replied, "You'll get used to it." A wag said that Fritz Mondale is going to need to take up speed reading to read all the promises he is making before the election. Born diplomat: someone who remembers your birthdays, but forgets how many you've had. Father to teen-aged son' "You should run for the legislature. You're terrific at introducing all types of bills into the house." The secretary cleaned out her files and stacked all the discards in two boxes. She placed a sign on them saying "Rubbish." But the next day they were still there. So she put on a new sign saying, "Garbage, waste, refuse; please remove." The next day it was still there, but with a note: "Cannot remove unless marked trash.'" Newly married man to his friends: "My wife treats me like a Greek god; she keeps giving me burnt offerings." Wife to husband selecting a loud sports jacket he'd just purchased against her wishes: "That tie might go with the jacket, but I'll tell you something that won't go with that monstrosity -- me!" Old-timer: grandfather clock. Advise to politicians speaking on the campaign trail: "Keep it short for pithy sake." Strange: "Parents spend $40,000 to put a son through college and all they get is a quarterback." "I don't think my wife understands me. Does yours?" "I doubt it, I've never heard her mention your name." A young couple had gone right from the wedding to the photographer and asked that he rush the proofs to them. When the large envelope arrived the next day, inside were several proofs showing an infant in various poses. The accompanying note said, "Please let me know what size you want and how many." When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. A tired but devoted football fan spent Monday night watching the game. He fell asleep in front of the television set and slept through the night. Next morning, his wife, worried that he'd be late for work, shook him awake syaing, "Dear, it's 20 to seven." "In whose favor?" he asked. World's loudest sound: the first rattle in the new car. For over two hours, a distinguished economist addresed the audience on the workings of our economic system. When he finished, the chairman summed up the speech, "What our guest has been saying is that if your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Bits and Pieces: 1. Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started. 2. The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for someone else 3. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life. 4. A man was elected president of a large company. ONe of the older directors said, "So now you are president!" "So it seems," the man smiled. "Then," said the older man, "you have heard the truth for the last time." 5. Andrew Carnegie was once asked what he considered most important in industry: labor, capital ro brains. With a laugh Carnegie replied, "Which is the most important leg of a 3-legged stool?" 6. A manager was trying to pacify a certain employee who wanted a promotion. The manager, for many reasons, simply couldn't give it to him. "You know I cannot give you this promotion now," he told the man, "but I will do this. You have my permission to go back and tell your friends that I offered you the job but that you turned it down." 7. An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. 8. A farmer asked his neighbor if he might borrow a rope. "Sorry," said the neighbor, "I'm using my rope to tie up my milk." "Rope can't tie up milk." "I know," replied the neighbor, "but when a man doesn't want to do something, one reason is as good as another." 9. Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that called for a small employee contribution. THe company was paying all the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. Finally the company president called Sam into his office. "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, you're fired. As of right now." Sam signed the papers immediately. "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you couldn't have signed earlier?" "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so clearly before." 10.Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. 11.Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. 12.When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 13.A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God." A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My father is dead and my mother is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you send us $500.00" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300. A couple of weeks later they received a second letter. The boy thanked God, but ended with this request: "Next time would you please deliver the money directly to our home? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200." 14.It is always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about. 15.When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make. 16.When you save for a long time to buy something, then find you can't afford it--that's inflation. 17.An economist was asked to talk to a group of buisness people about the recession. She tacked up a big sheet of white paper. Then she made a black spot on the paper with her pencil and asked a man in front row what he saw. The man replied promptly, "A black spot." The speaker asked every person the same question, and each replied, "A black spot." With calm and deliberate emphasis the speaker said: "Yes there is a little black spot, but none of your mentioned the big sheet of white paper. And that's my speech." 18.A canny Maine farmer was approached by a stranger one day and asked how much he thought his prize Jersey cow was worth. The farmer thought for a moment, looked the stranger over, then said: "Are you the tax assessor or has she been killed by your car?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Graduating Engineer: 1. Climbing up the ladder of success is a hands-on affair. You don't see anyone climbing up any kind of ladder with his hands in his pockets, do you?" 2. As one veteran speaker used to say when he bagin his presentations, "All of us have jobs to do there this afternoon. Mine is to speak. Yours is to listen. I hope that we finish together--that you don't get done before I do." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why don't Russian women wear bikinis? Because it's too much of a hassle to shave their stomachs! Why do most Russian businesses prefer Russian cleaning ladies? Because they can scrub with their armpits and save on steel wool! UNIX Daffeynition: Site Specialist | User Confuser Sign in a Chicago S&M store for December: "Season's Beatings!" Daffynitions... FERENHEIT: MODERATELY TALL FILIBUSTER: TRAINER OF FEMALE HORSES INTENSE: WHERE BOY SCOUTS SLEEP INDEX: WHAT PLAYING CARDS COME IN FELICITY: ELECTRICAL ENERGY BY STROKING A CAT. HAIKU: THE SOUND OF A JAPANESE SNEEZING. Dateline - WASHINGTON D.C. The Society for the Cure of Abrasions (SCABS) has announced a warning to it's detractors. "Don't pick on us!" -- Why pander life's complexities, when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat - The Smiths