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- Part 12 of Getting What You Really Want
- Nick Tails
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-
-
- Sunday, December 25th, 1988. Christmas. The air was frosty outside,
- in that sort of haze that forms when it's snowing and cold. It hung over the
- land, topping everything. Icicles were hanging from the trees and houses,
- and in my neighborhood, you could see kids running around in the snow that
- had already settled in the yards.
- I shut my curtain and went back over to the fireplace. Trevor was
- still talking with Aron and Justin. I had received a postcard from Shawn
- addressed to all of us. He was still traveling, and had ended up in Germany
- for the holidays. None of us had heard from Tim since he left. Even though
- I hated the bastard for leaving me, I still hoped he had a good holiday. Then
- he could rot in hell. But please don't get the idea I don't like him. Some
- people might call that a conflict of interest, but when you don't have any
- interest anymore, you can't have much of a conflict, can you?
- But onto lighter things. Trevor had helped me pick out the tree that
- was now decorated in front of the window. I had been with Trevor for almost
- 4 months now. At first I was kind of worried that he had been a person I got
- to know on the rebound, someone to pick up after Tim had left. But if that
- was the case he and I would have parted long before now. It was now to the
- point where a day didn't go by without us seeing each other. I don't know if
- he'd been with other men, or if he knew about myself and Aron for a while.
- But I had told him about Tim. Actually, he had told me in the restraunt that
- he had been left several times, and that's what probably enrichened our
- relationship, having been through the same experiences and both knowing each
- other's background without having to ask or anything like that.
- I had passed around more eggnog, the "traditional" drink of
- Christmas, although I don't think what I put in it was too traditional, but
- that's another story entirely. One that I particularly don't want to
- discuss. We had already opened presents. Trevor had gotten me a couple of
- CD's, Aron gave me a jacket, and I received a subscription to a hi-tech
- magazine from Justin. I had given out articles of clothing and such, and you
- could pretty much tell that I let Christmas slip up on me this year, as I had
- just about every year since I was 13 or so, and my parents had quit reminding
- me to buy things for relatives.
- "What time is it?" Aron asked. We all looked at our watch. Aron
- then remembered Justin had gotten him a watch for Christmas, so he located
- that one.
- "5:30," he said, answering his own question. "We better go."
- "What time does it start?" I asked.
- "6:00 I think."
- Justin spoke. "It only takes about 15 minutes to get to downtown
- from here, doesn't it?"
- "Something like that," Aron returned. We all got up and put on our
- jackets, making a point of putting on the one Aron gave me. We all climbed
- in the Blazer in my driveway that Justin owned, and headed downtown where the
- annual Christmas parade was starting.
- At 6:15 the parade started.
- At 6:30 we all were pretty much shivering.
- At 6:35 we were all in the car again, watching the parade in a
- distance with the heater blowing at us.
- "How cold is it, anyway?" Aron asked.
- " 'bout 10 below, something like that," I replied. There had been a
- pretty good turn out, however, so we couldn't get our car too close because
- of the crowd. It didn't matter, however.
- Aron was sitting in the driver's seat, opposite Justin who was trying
- to huddle around one of the vents. I was in the back with Trevor, and we
- were both leaning forward, trying to reach the heat. About 15 minutes later,
- we all decided to head back, but we ended up touring the suburbs, looking at
- Christmas lights. You could hear some people singing Christmas songs
- outside, and it was all very romantic. I leaned back in my seat, with Trevor
- leaning against me. I watched as the snow was falling, and the gentle hum of
- the engine as we moved along. Aron and Justin kept looking out the windows,
- but were glancing at each other and smiling, and you could tell that they
- were feeling close.
- I was feeling soft as we pulled into my driveway once again. Trevor
- and myself got out, and went inside. I turned around, and found that Aron
- was still in the car with Justin.
- "We better go, we'll talk to you tomorrow," he called, his voice
- making fog in the cold.
- "Are you sure?" I hollered back.
- "Yeah, we'll drop back by in the morning."
- Trevor and I waved as they did, pulling out of the driveway. I
- watched the Blazer travel into the white that covered.
- I returned inside, and he shut the door behind me. I put my coat
- down, looking it over. Trevor walked up behind me, and put his hands over
- me, draping himself on me.
- "I wonder how much that cost," he inquired.
- "It doesn't matter." I turned around and placed my arms around him.
- "Merry Christmas"
- "Merry Christmas," he replied. We gently kissed, and I held him, his
- head resting against my body. We moved to the invisable record playing
- inside us, slowly going around the room. I broke for a moment, getting us
- both drinks, and closing the curtain. We lied down on the couch, watching
- the Christmas tree sparkle. He held me, not tight, but comforting.
- I turned over and faced him, and slowly pulled him toward me, kissing
- him. I put my hand on his chest, and he tensed.
- "What's wrong?"
- He paused. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this."
- "I'm sorry."
- "No, it's all right, I just want to take this slowly."
- I nodded, understanding. I kissed him again, and just took him in my
- arms. We fell asleep.
-
- Monday, December 26th, 1988. When Christmas is on a Sunday like it
- was this year, most places will give you Monday off. It was the case this
- year, where all of us worked.
- Aron and Justin were over, as mentioned. Aron and Trevor were in the
- living room talking back and forth, and I dragged Justin into the kitchen.
- "What?"
- "You have to confirm a suspicion. When you and Aron got home
- last night, you went right to bed, didn't you?"
- "What makes you think we made it to our house?"
- I looked at him with surprise.
- "I'm serious," he continued. "We made it to the end of your block,
- turned the corner, and stopped."
- "Gawd...no one saw you?"
- "If they did, they didn't care."
- I laughed, Justin did too, but quietly enough where we couldn't be
- heard out of the room.
-
- I returned to the living room with Justin, and took a seat.
- "Know what we need to do?" Aron asked. I shrugged. "We need to have
- another party."
- "What kind of party?" I asked.
- "What do you mean 'what kind'? Like the ones we had in college!"
- "Those weren't parties, those were orgies. Besides, we all settled
- down, didn't we?"
- "We did?" he answered.
- Justin spoke. "Why not? We could hold it here or at our house."
- "Wait," I started. "Are you considering the fact that you're going
- to have other people interested in sex with you?"
- "I don't mind," Justin told me.
- "Doesn't that fall under the same catagory as 'wife swapping'?"
- "Do you feel threatened by that?" Aron asked.
- "No, don't you?"
- "I'm completely secure. What's wrong with sharing our bodies with
- another person, if you still love the person that you're with?"
- I was sitting there, trying to spell out morals to two horny lovers
- here, and it just wasn't working. "Look, if you're interested, with all due
- respect, go for it. I'd prefer to stick with one person."
- Trevor started, "I don't know, it might be kind of fun."
- I covered my eyes. "I don't believe this. I actually cannot believe
- that you're about to do this. I walked off, and they continued to talk.
-
- "So when do you think we could do this," Aron said.
- "How about New Year's Eve?" Justin suggested.
- "I'm going to be out of town then. We'll have to make it afterwards."
- "When will you get back?"
- "January 7th."
- "Seventh is good for me," Justin confirmed. "Trevor?"
- "Sounds fine," Trevor returned.
- "Nick?"
- I turned around. "I'm not involved with this. You do what you want."
- They got it all set up before Aron and Justin left. They
- were going to hold it at their house. They had already located Will and
- Steve, both of whom they hadn't contacted in a while. I was starting to
- plan what to do on that evening, since Trevor would appearantly be gone. It
- was two weeks away, however, so I didn't worry about it too much.
-
- January 1st, 1989. With the holidays gone, things had slowed down
- considerably. We took the tree down...well, it started out as "we", and was
- "I" in about 10 minutes...the rest of the holiday season was packed away and
- stored. I finally pinned down Trevor enough to talk to him.
-
- "What about?" he asked.
- "Tell me something, Trevor. How come you're going to the party?"
- "It's not really a party," he defended. "It's more of a get-
- together."
- "Tell me that with a straight face." He remained silent. "I don't
- get it. You turned down a romantic evening, saying 'no, I'm not ready for
- sex' and then turn around and prepare to go out and fuck the first person
- you can land on the floor. Explain that one..."
- "Nicolus, I think you're taking this the wrong way... I just..."
- "All right," I interrupted. "Please tell me how I should take it."
- He remained silent still. "You've never met any of these people before, and
- you have absolutely no reservations about what you're setting yourself up
- for. And what makes it worse is you have absolutely no feelings for me."
- "That's not true...I care about you!"
- "Yeah, right..." I turned and walked out of the room.
-
-
- Saturday, January 7th, 1989. By the time the date rolled around, I
- had calmed down a little. I had to consider one important fact: Although I
- felt that Trevor and I were close, neither one of us had made any real
- commitment, and had taken little action expressing how I felt. I began to
- consider the possibility that I had built the relationship up in my mind to
- something completely over what it was. If nothing else, it was a
- possibility.
- Finally striking up the courage to at least stop by, I arrived at
- Justin's house about 8. The party had been going on for an hour already,
- and I still hesitated to go up. But Aron and Justin both had consistantly
- tried to talk me into showing up, just to see people I hadn't seen in a
- while, such as Willie and Steve, even if I wasn't interested in anything
- else. So I went up to the house.
- Justin greeted me at the door. "Hey, Nick. Come on in..." he
- trailed. Judging by his breath, he was a little drunk. The one aspect of
- Justin I don't think will ever change.
- I walked inside, and found everyone. It was all pretty friendly,
- and after a while, I decided that I was glad I had stopped in. I talked
- with Willie alone in the kitchen.
- "I haven't seen you in forever, what happened to you?" I asked him.
- "Moved up to Seattle. Interesting country up there..." He paused,
- as if considering something.
- "What's wrong?" I asked.
- "Can I ask you something?"
- "Sure."
- He hesitated. "Will you make love to me?"
- I just stopped still for a moment. In college, that's all it took
- to get a person into the bedroom. I briefly thought about Trevor. Is this
- cheeting. No, not if he's here to, and I'm sure he's done the same thing.
- Is this something I want to do...honestly... I think I'd love to.
- "Come on..." I said. I took his hand, and led him into Aron's
- room, and locked the door.
- "I didn't mean to be that straight forward, but this is something
- that I never really got a chance to do... And if you don't want to..."
- I stopped him in the middle of the sentence, and kissed him. He
- reached around me, and I did the same. It had been so long since I had done
- this, it felt wonderful start again. I pushed all the thoughts out of my
- mind, about Trevor, about Tim, about everyone.
- Willie reached under my shirt, and felt my chest. His hands were
- firm and warm, and he began to massage the front of my body. We were still
- kissing, never stopping to take a breath.
- I removed his shirt, as he did the same to me, and felt his warmth
- against me. The remaining clothes came off, and he took me and spun me
- around, falling to the bed.
- I held him tight against me, just to feel him, and make the moment
- last. I kissed him again, nibbling at his jaw, which I had remembered had
- drove him crazy. I watched him, feeling wonderful. His blond hair,
- penatrating eyes, and his round boyish face all seemed to sparkle. He
- kissed me.
- I moved his ankles around my waist, and positioned myself to
- penetrate him. In one gentle motion, I was inside of him. I was moving
- slowly, still kissing him, and letting my hands explore his body. His chest
- was hard, and I pulled him against me. I worked my penis into him, slowly
- moving to intensify the moment.
- He moved his hands to my back, down to my behind, and pulled me in
- more, harder and faster. My breathing was becoming irregular and faster,
- his tounge going deeper into my mouth. I was working hard to keep our
- bodies together, trying to keep Will around me.
- It went from hard breathing to panting, with him still over my
- mouth. I continued faster still, reaching around to his back, and pulling
- him as tight against me as possible. His hard body fused with mine, with
- heat searing between us. The sexual excitement was beginning to peak.
- Willie began to groan as I pulsed inside him. He was moving his
- body in motion with mine. The bed was shaking, and he was having a
- difficult time keeping his legs around my body. The sweat and excitement
- seemed to push them away.
- The heat in the room seemed minute to the head radiating from us.
- Pushing harder and harder into him, swelling inside, sweating and panting.
- I let out a small cry, and felt myself orgasm inside his bowel. I slowed
- and stopped, leaving myself inside, and resting to regain a normal
- heartbeat. I was still sweating, and had to grab a sheet to wipe my
- forehead.
- Will pressed his forehead against my chest, and held onto me
- tightly. He was breathing heavily too, and sweating as much as I was. He
- grabbed onto me, and felt my chest against his cheek. I pulled him tight,
- and held him. It felt like I was taking care of him, and giving him support
- when he needed it.
- I kissed the top of his head, and he moved to kiss me. His tounge
- went deep inside my mouth. I felt bonded with him. I slipped my legs up on
- his body, and he moved into the same position on me I had him in previously.
- With a gasp, I held him inside me. We never stopped kissing. His body was
- soft as he continued, and I continually held him against me. He pumped
- slowly, always keeping a firm grip. I was on my back, and he moved on top
- of me. I ran my hands along his back, all along he was holding onto my
- shoulders.
- The movements became faster. He placed his hands on my waist, and
- speeded up his pace. Sweat was pouring down him, his chest lushed and hard.
- My heart was beating hard. Will once again picked the pace up, and it
- wouldn't be too much longer.
- Breathing became an impossibility, as one final shudder came from
- Willie's immense body, and he collapsed on top of me. I was exhausted. My
- throat was dry and hurting from hard breathing. I just lay in the bed for a
- few moments, catching my breath. We didn't say a word. I climbed out, and
- stood and looked at him. He gave me a shy smile, and turned into the
- pillow. I dressed and walked through the door.
-
- Trevor was standing outside. I stopped short. He gave me a harsh
- look, and walked off. I looked at Justin, wondering what the problem was.
- "I think you just blew all the trust he had in you," Justin told
- me.
- I walked outside, following him.
- "Would you like to start explaining the problem, please?!" I yelled
- at him. He spun around on the driveway and yelled.
- "As I recall, you were the one who was bitching at me about fucking
- the first person I could get down! Did it ever occur to you that maybe this
- was my chance to see how much you trusted me?! Did it ever occur to you at
- all that maybe I was in love with you, and just had to make sure?!"
- I stood silent, suddenly crushed.
- "You never got it, did you... I set this up intentionally. I
- thought you cared about me. You finally bothered to show up, and the first
- thing you do is go in, acting like some goddamn male slut!" He turned
- around again, and got into the car, driving off.
- I just stood there, unable to move. I was about ready to break
- down. I had just done the one thing I'd swore I'd never do:Cheat on a
- person I loved. I could barely stand myself.
- I got in my car, and drove back to my street. Trevor was at the
- house, presumably packing. I didn't stop, I just continued down the street.
- I ended up driving down to one of the local bars in town. It was a Gay bar,
- but I didn't go there for a partner. I just needed a drink. Any bar would
- have done, this one was just the closest.
- I walked in, and ordered. I thought about what Trevor had said. I
- had to figure out a way out of this. I was about to lose the best person
- that I'd ever had. I started thinking that maybe I just wasn't made to keep
- one person very long. I was depressed.
- "Can I talk to you for a minute, Nick?" a voice came from behind
- me. It wasn't Trevor, it wasn't his voice. I turned around. Tim was
- staring me in the face.
- I stayed silent for a moment, not sure what to do. Common sense,
- however, at least said allow him to sit down.
- "Yeah, sure...have a seat," I said quietly.
- "You look a little depressed."
- "What are you doing here?" I asked, changing the subject.
- "I was going to call you in the next few days, but I saw you here,
- and took my chance."
- "What about?" I asked. I didn't look up from my drink.
- "You were right. About me, what you said. A person can't just
- suddenly go straight. I've been Gay since I was college age...I was stupid
- to think that I could do anything else."
- "What are you getting at, Tim?"
- He paused. "I love you, and I want you back."
- I stopped for a moment. "Tim, listen to me. You stay with me as
- long as you did, you then tell me that it's never meant anything because you
- aren't Gay, and leave me with nothing. I never hear a word from you for
- almost 6 months, at least, and now you expect me to pick up where 'you left
- me', with severe emphasis on those last three words." I was beginning to
- remind myself of Trevor, using the same speech as he did.
- "Are you at least going to think about it?"
- I stayed silent. Too much was happening at once. I was going to
- need some time.
-
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