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Text File | 2000-01-01 | 15.0 KB | 408 lines

----------------------------------------------------- Female Jokes ----------------------------------------------------- First Woman: "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." Second Woman: "You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?" First Woman: "Snuff." ------------ What's the definition of the perfect woman? 1) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it. 2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in. 3) The economy model - she fucks all night and at midnight she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. ------------ Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach. ------------ This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says, "Vinegar and water." ------------ A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years. The roomate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?", asks the former. "No, not really" says the second. "How about when they cut off your dick?" "No that really wasn't the worst of it." "Really?" says the first. "How about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful." "No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half my brains." -------------- Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men. Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season? Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver. Why are clams like women? When the red tide comes, you don't eat them. How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well? When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut. Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man? You put a quarter in and get fucked. I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off: Oh...I see you've already heard it. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float. What do you do when your Kotex catches fire? Throw it on the floor and tampon it. What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1? Bo Derek getting older. Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky Fried Chicken batter? It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good. What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb. What do fat girls and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend see you. Why are women giving up bowling for screwing? The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. What's the difference between a job and a wife? After five years, the job still sucks. How do you make paper dolls? Screw an old bag. What's the white stuff you find in women's panties? Clitty litter. Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot. What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes? An all-the-way house. Definition of a wife: "An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done." How are an oven and a woman alike? You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in. Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that? Getting eaten out by Jaws. What's the purpose of a bellybutton? To put your gum in on the way down. Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular? You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it. What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme. How do you make a hormone? Put sand in the Vaseline. What's a cunt that talks back? An answering cervix. What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday? Mikey ... He'll eat anything. What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream? A spermicidal maniac. Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors. What do you call a hooker with no legs? A nightcrawler. What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car? Patty. Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose? So they won't whistle. How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles will swell. How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for the dandruff on her shoes. Why do women have 2 holes so close together? In case you miss. Why do women have 2 holes so close together? So you can carry them home like a six-pack. What do you call a female clone? A clunt. Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. Why is there a string on the end of a tampon? So you can floss after you eat. How does a girl hold her liquor? By the ears! How is a woman like a frying pan? You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. How is a woman like an airplane? Both have cockpits. How is a woman like a road? Both have manholes. Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)? A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud. Three mysteries of women: 1. They can give milk without eating grass. 2. They can bleed for a week every month without dying. 3. (My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their noses dirty. What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? Sends him to work. Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows. Your wife's just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and always comes back for more! How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ????? None ! Thats womans work. What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant? Her feet! If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look so much like a TACO! What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? FULL!! How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much? A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch, If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little. How does a women get a mink coat ? The same way mink gets a mink. ---------- A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of crotch rot. The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out. "My dear," says the Doc, "this is serious! What you need is Mega Douche!" "Mega Douche?" says the woman, "What's that?" "It's my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder & Kentucky fried chicken." "Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?" "Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!" ----------- Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by. The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the third says, "She is a 1." The other two look at him and wonder. Another woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder about him. Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or something??" "Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale." "What the hell is that?" "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face." ---------------------------------- How A Pussy Was Made ==================== Seven Wise Men made up their minds to build then a Pussy of their own Design. The First was a Carpenter, full of wit, with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit. The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal, with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole. The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin, with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within. The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout, with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without. The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent, with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent. The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree, Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee. The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt, Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt. ---------------- This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000 to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man. Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married? answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course! ------------------ Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : WO Discoverer : Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. ------------------ Banana Loaf ----------- 2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms 2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers 1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 banana Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl. WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!! -------------------- What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. Why is a woman better than a sheep? Sheep can't cook. Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow? so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes. -------------------- Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem?! -------------------- And a little story: Guy and girl in back of van going at it... Girl says "put a finger in me" So he does. Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does. "Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does. "Put your whole HAND in me" and he does... "Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys. "Now clap" At this point he replies "I can't!" "Tight huh?" -------------------- How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to change it, One to support her by holding the ladder, One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the word "screw". -------------------- A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant: "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"