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Too Whom It May Concern, The following was mailed to me originating from the chain mail pool of perverts at ECN. Don't blame me, I just thought I would pass it along... Dirk's Dirty Jokes... ---------------------------------------------------------------- what's invisible and smells like carrots ? bunny farts. what do you call a truckload of vibrators? toys for twats why does an elephant have 4 feet ? because 8" isn't enough. what can you use used tampons for ? tea bags for vampires. what is red and has seven dents ? snow white's cherry. what is the difference between chicken and meat ? if you beat a chicken it will die. what do you call a cow that has had an abortion ? decaffeinated. why don't roosters wear underwear ? because their peckers are on their faces. have you heard of the new proctor and gamble product ? toxic shock absorbers. what is billy jean king's latest advertising sponsor ? snap on tools of america. how do you keep a moron in suspense ? q: what's the definion of a 10 a: a girl about waist high with no teeth and a flat head for you to sit your beer on q: what's the definition of a cinderella 10 a: a girl that fucks and sucks all night and turns into a pizza and a six pack at midnight did you hear about the two irish homosexuals? patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick q: whats the difference between an epileptic oyster sheller and a whore with diarhea? a: and epileptic oyster sheller shucks between fits how do you know that the bartender doesn't like you ? because you bloody mary has a string hanging out of it. what do lesbians like more than calvin klein jeans? billy jeans'. what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? hold on to your nuts ... this ain't gonna be no ordinary blow job. how can you tell if a woman has been screwing an elephant? when she sits on a barstool, she falls to the floor. what's better than flowers on a piano? tulips on an organ. what do you call two bobs having sex ? oral roberts. why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen? they sell more tickets! the manager of the chicago bears (they are born losers!) decided to give the team a facelift by renaming them chicago tampons. why? answer: 'cause they are only good for one period. why do women have two holes so close to each other? answer: in case you miss! answer: so that yu can carry them home like a six pack. what do airplanes and women have in common? answer: cockpits! what is the difference between a ship and a woman? answer: a ship cuts thru the water, a woman waters thru her cut. what is the difference between a girl in a bathtub and a girl in a church ? answer: a girl in a church has her soul full of hope, a girl in a bathtub has her hole full of soap. how many redneck's does it take to eat a possum? three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars. what do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand? kermit's undivided attention! why does miss piggy douche with vinegar and sugar ? because kermit likes sweet and sour pork. what's the difference between parsley and pussy? nobody eats parsley. what is the ultimate in courage? two cannibals having oral sex. what kind of meat does the pope eat? nun. on friday? how do you tell the head nurse? by the dirt on her knees. why does dr. pepper come in a bottle? because his wife died. what was the first thing the sorority girl did in the morning? she went home. have you heard about the new disease going around that only men get? its called lack-of-nooki to cure the above disease you must find a girl with the new disease slip-dick-to-me. a _________ was on his first date ever and was very excited. he picked up his date and as he was driving down the road she said ''boy you smell good, what's that you have on?'' he replied, ''a hard on but i didn't know you could smell it.'' what do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? a sudden surge of seamen. why did the rooster cross the basketball court ? he heard that the ref was blowing fouls. what's the difference between snowmen and women ? snowballs. how can you tell a macho woman ? her vibrator has a kick starter. what do you do if your kotex catches on fire ? pull it out...throw it on the ground...and tampon it. while in the back of a police car, one of the policemen asks a couple of prostitutes, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before ?" one of them replied, "no, but i've been swung around by the tits." what's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball ? you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball what do you get when you mix a mexican and an arab ? oil of ole' 69 is out and 77 is in because you get ate more. i knew a girl that was so ugly when she walked into the room.. even the mice jumped up on chairs. and when i took her to the beach.. all the guys asked me what i used for bait. what's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ? answer: you can unscrew one of them. how do you know when an elephant has her period ? answer : your mattress is gone and there's a nickel in its place. why do women love to play pacman ? answer: 'cause they get eaten three times for only a quarter how do you know that an elephant's sex organs are on his feet ? because if one steps on you you're fucked. how do you know if a pollock has been to a cockfight ? because somebody bet on a duck. how do you know that the mafia was there ? because the duck won. panties aren't the best things on earth, but they are next to it. do you know what you have if you have a nut on each of two walls?? a walnut do you know what you have if a girl has a nut on each breast?? a chestnut do you know what you if you have a nut on each cheek?? a dick in the mouth!!!! q. what is the squareroot of '69' ? a. ate something q. which item in the following list does not fit : eggs, meat, wife, blowjob ? a. "blowjob" - because you can beat you eggs, your meat, and your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. q. how are the mafia and eating pussy similar ? a. one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!!! what do you call a masturbating bull ?? beef stroganoff. what did the baked potato say to the potato chip ? are you frito-lay ? what's the difference between love and herpes ? herpes lasts forever. what is 69 and 69? dinner for four.. q. what does an elephant use for a vibrator? a. an epileptic. what's the difference between your wife and your job? your wife quit sucking after 2 years but your job didn't. what do you get when you mix lsd and the pill? a trip without the kids. ********************************************************************* what do you get ............ if you mix a rooster and m&m's ? ***** a cock that melts in your mouth, and not in your hand ***** if you mix a rooster and peanut butter ? ***** a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth ***** if you mix a rooster and an owl ? ***** a cock that stays up all night ***** ********************************************************************** what similarity ......... is there between women and jello ? ***** they both wiggle when you eat them ***** is there between a pregnant woman and burnt toast ? ***** they both have been pulled out late ***** is there between a woman and a storm door ? ***** the more you bang them , the looser they get ***** ********************************************************************* what do you call a roman with pubic hair between his teeth ? a gladiator. what are five disadvantages of being an egg ? 1. you only get laid once. 2. you only get eaten once. 3. the only person who sits on your face is your mother. 4. it takes five minutes to get hard. 5. you can come only with eleven other guys in a box. what's the difference between kinky and perverted ? if you're kinky you'll use a feather...if your perverted you'll use the whole chicken. what do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole ? a twenty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. what is the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute ? one uses vaseline, the other uses polygrip. what is the difference between a women's track team and a midget spy team? one is a team of cunning runts. what do a mama bear on the pill and the world series have in common ? no cubs. why didn't the greek boy run away from home ? because he couldn't leave his brothers behind. what's worse than getting raped by jack the ripper ? being fingered by captain hook. what's old, wrinkled and smells like ginger ? fred astaire's face. what does an elephant use for a tampon ? a sheep. what do soybeans and dildos have in common ? they're both meat substitutes. how do you make paper dolls ? screw an old bag. what do the pink panther and a male prostitute have in common ? they are both peter sellers. how do you tell dolly parton's kids ? they are the ones with stretch marks around their lips. what's the difference between a rattlesnake and a rubber ? you don't fuck with a rattlesnake. a polish maiden concerned about pleasing her husband-to-be on their wedding night went to the family doctor to find out about sex. maiden; what is that thing hanging down between my boyfriends legs with the big knot on the end of it? doctor; that is his penis. maiden; well what is that big knot. doctor; that is called the head. maiden; well, that clears a few things up but what are those two things 14 inches back from the head? doctor; i don't know about your boyfriend but on me those are my ass cheeks. did you hear about the _______ who thought asphalt was an anal disorder? did you hear about the ___________'s carpool? they all meet at work. did you hear why ________ women can't use vibrators? they chip their teeth. why did the __________ spend all night outside the whorehouse? he was waiting for the red light to turn green? did you hear about the _________ lesbian? she likes men. how come _________'s don't go elephant hunting? they get too tired carrying the decoys. did you hear about the _________ bank? you bring in a toaster and they give you $10,000. how can you tell a _________ designed the lower half of a women's anatomy? who else would put the shit hole so close to the snack bar? how do you get a ________ woman pregnant ? you cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. did you hear about the _______ who locked his keys in his car ? it took him 3 hours to get his wife and kids out. did you hear about the ______'s wife who was home crying because he was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook it. did you hear about the _______ that thought peter pan was something you put under your bed. did you hear about the _______ that lost his gum in a chicken coup and thought he found it 5 times. did you hear about the _______ that thought moby dick was a venereal disease. did you hear about the ______ that built a basement in his ice shanty and drowned. ********************************************************************* How many .... ________ does it take to screw in a light bulb ? californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, californians screw in hot tubs. punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb? two - one to change the bulb and the other to kick the chair out from under him. mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 2, but don't ask me how they got in there. indiana football players does it take to change a light bulb ? 1, but she gets 3 credits of a for doing it. californians does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 4, one to do it and 3 to share the experience. lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 3, one to do it, the rest to discuss how much better it was than screwing a man. pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 3, one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. grad students does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 10, one to do it and nine others to figure out what screwing is. environmentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 3, one to do it, the others to fill out the environmental impact statement. sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 3, one to mix a drink, one to call her dad, and the other to call the electrician. psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ? one, but the light bulb has to want to change. jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb ? none..."i will just sit here quietly in the dark" real men does it take to screw in a light bulb ? none, real men aren't afraid of the dark. ************************************************************************* reality is for people what can't handle Drugs. SEX IS LIKE BRIDGE; IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD PARTNER, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A GOOD HAND. Here's to America, land of the push; Where a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But if in the bush a fair maiden should stand, Then a push in the bush is worth two in the hand. The sex life of the camel Is not as dull as one thinks For in moments of animal passion, He makes crude attempts at the Sphinx. But the Sphinx's posterior passage Is clogged with the sands of the Nile, Which accounts for the hump on the camel, And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile. A social glass and a social lass go very well together, But a social lass with a social ass I deem a damn sight better. So here's to the glass and the lass and the ass, May the meet in all kinds of weather - We'll drink of the glass and feel of the ass And make the lass feel better. She offered her honor, He honored her offer, and all night long, He was on her and off her.... Cher Doesn't like Sunny's bono'o. What is the simularity between a female virgin and a hemofeliac? -One prick and It's all over!! What did the gum say to the tennis shoe?? I'm stuck to you!!!! She gets stiff when they sniff, but the dogs think it's terriff.... Q: Why don't guys from Minnesota like girls from same going out with guys from Wisconsin? A: Have you ever seen a gopher hole when a badger gets throught with it? WHY DO THEY HAVE ARTIFICIAL TURF IN THE IOWA STATE STADIUM? TO KEEP THE CHEERLEADERS FROM GRAZING. WHY IS THEIR NO ICE IN IOWA STATE DRINKS? BECAUSE THE GUY WITH THE RECIPE GRADUATED. HOW MANY IOWEGIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? FOUR ... ONE TO HOLD THE BULB DOWN, TWO TO HOLD SAFETY PINS, AND ONE TO LICK THE HOLE CLEAN. q: WHY DON'T THEY PAINT WHITE LINES DOWN THE CENTERS OF HIGHWAYS IN IOWA? a: HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN THAT TRICK USED TO PUT CHICKENS TO SLEEP? CAN'T HAVE THE IOWEGIANS SLEEPING AT THE WHEEL! WHAT DO IOWEGIANS CALL A 'DEAD SKUNK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?' "ROAD PIZZA!" WHAT DOES THAT MAKE AN IOWEGIAN FOOD FIGHTER? A 'ROAD WARRIOR!' WHY DO IOWEGIANS CARRY TWO PIECES OF S**T IN THEIR POCHET? IN CASE THEY NEED TWO FORMS OF IDENTIFICATION. what is the definition of insignificant? runnning into a brick wall with an erection and breaking your nose! Given that, what is the definition of gross? Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a string in your mouth. Kissing your Great-aunt Millie and she slips you the tongue! Throwing your underwear against the wall and having them stick... Two toothless vampires fighting over a used (expletive deleted)... Biting into a hotdog and finding veins... Dreaming you ate choclate pudding and waking-up with spit on your butt. Taking a roll of toilet paper to a crap game... You open the fridge and the rump roast farts at you! Finding pubic hair in your bloody mary! Sticking your dick inside a 6 week old baby and listening to the bones cracking as it gets hard!!! In order to uphold all rights of all individuals whom may read, contact or otherwise be subject to the following messages of advice, the following statement applies : let cat = coon -or- let cat = nig -or- let cat = jigabooo -or- let meow = mufuka Q: How do you keep nigs from jumping up and down on the bed? A: Put velcro on the ceiling... Why are there no "cat" nuns ? They can't say superior after mother... What do you call a 20 year old "colored person" in the 7th grade ? A Genius Why do cats have white bottoms on their hands and feet ? That's where they were propped in the corner to dry... What color is an "afro-american" that's been run over by a Mack Truck? Flat Black.. N E W S F L A S H ! ! ! ! Local Police are doing away with german shepherd police dogs. Since they haven't had any trouble with Germans in over 30 years, they're replacing them with coondogs. How many pallbearers at a "cat" funeral ? Seven -- six to carry the casket and one to carry the RADIO. What's long and hard on a 'Tom Cat'? Third grade. What is black and bubbly and scratches on glass? A "cat" in a microwave!!!!!! ...HAVE YOU??..... EVER WALKED INTO DAIRY QUEEN AND ASKED FOR A PENIS BUSTER PARFAIT? (thats sick) AND BETTER YET, AFTER ORDERING IT ASKING 'WHERE'S THE BEEF?' (thats sicker) How about asking her whats the bigest WHOPPER she has inhaled. (thats deep) Two little boys came down to breakfast one day, and sat at the breakfast table with their dad. (Kinda gets you right here, don't it?) The older one said, "Gimme some of those fuckin' cornflakes, Dad". The father looked up, and proceded to beat the livin' piss out of the older brother. Then he turned to the younger one and yelled, "Now, WHAT DO YOU WANT!" "I don't know," he stammered, "but I sure as hell don't want any of those fuckin' cornflakes." ANNOUNCING!!!!!!!! THE GREAT POOLOCK JOKES!!!! (BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW IF I SPELLED "POLLOCK" RRIGHT?? THEY PROBABLY DON'T KNOW EITHER!) WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLLOCK WITH HALF A BRAIN? GIFTED!! WHAT DID THE POLLOCK DO TO HIS GOLD MEDAL THAT HE WON??? HE HAD IT BRONZED!!!!! Why is a Polish woman like a hockey goalie? They both change their pads after 3 periods! Did you here about the pollish woman who had never seen a tampon before? She thought the plastic applicator was something to satisfy her, and couldn't understand why it left a string behind. Why is there no Polish National Ice Hockey team? They all drowned during spring training. How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the bulb, and one to turn the chair. How many stupid people does it take to paint a house? 101. One hundred to turn the house, and one to hold the paint brush. How many stupid people does it take to wash a car? Two, one to hold the brush, and one to drive the car back and forth. How many stupid people does it take to make popcorn? Five, one to hold the pot and four to shake the stove. Did you hear about the stupid person who stood outside a "house of ill repute" all night waiting for the light to turn green? Did you hear about the stupid person who, when told to blow up a car, burned his lips on the exhaust pipe? Why did the stupid person cross the road?? He didn't. Did you hear about the genetic experiments they've been doing at the University of Chicago? They were working on a new game fish. They started with a walleye for good eatin', then added some coho salmon for fight. That was alright, but a little small, so they added some muskie to beef it up a bit. They decided to call it a Kowalski, but then they couldn't teach it to swim! Did you hear about the Stupid newlyweds? It seems that on their first night together they decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady (?) said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent (?) said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times." WHY DID THE MAN TAKE OFF THE MAN-HOLE COVER AND JUMP IN ? HE WAS COMMITING SEWERCIDE ! WHY DID THE MAN BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE?? HE WAS TRYING TO COMMIT HOMOCIDE!! MY SISTER AND I HAD A GOOD TIME AT THE BEACH THIS SUMMER. FIRST SHE WOULD BURY ME THEN I WOULD BURY HER. THIS SUMMER I'M GOING BACK TO DIG HER UP. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN EPILEPTIC OYSTER SHUCKER AND A WHORE WITH DIARRHEA? THE EPILEPTIC OYSTER SHUCKER, SHUCKS BETWEEN FITS. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMENS TRACK TEAM AND A GROUP OF PYGMIES? ONES A CUNNING BUNCH OF RUNTS WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE OR LIKE? SPIT OR SWALLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! what's the difference between humor and odor? odor is a shift of wit. "If anyone would like to raise Hell I'll be more than happy to put a prop under it." Here's to hell!! May the stay there be as much fun as the way there. "My cabbage patch doll didn't like me so the bitch took my VISA card and flew to Rome. Naturally I disowned her immediately, but I wish she'd at least let me see the kids on weekends." Next Christmas keep you eyes open for the follow-on to cabbage patch kids. Ronco is going to sell the vegamatic cole-slaw cuties -- made from real cabbage patch dolls! How did the aggy burn his lips off?? Bobbing for Frenchfries. There were three women preparing to swim the english channel; one was a pollac, one was a mexican, and the other one was an american. After taking off, three days later the American came in and said "Boy that was a long hall, I sure am glad I made it!" 3 more days and the Mexian came in and said "Wow!!" 35 days later, the pollac came in and said "THAT'S NOT FAIR!! You said that we had to do breast stroke!! The other two used their hands!!" What did one leg say to the other?? Look!! Junior's growing a beard!!! Why are girls like ROCKS? "The flat ones are better to skip!" We refuse to believe that rugged Canadian girls are using hockey pucks instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods! Boy: Let's do it alternative doggy style!" panted the youth. Girl: "How's that?" murmured his date. Boy: "With my bone in your mouth!" Prayer above a couple's bed: "May we all die in another man's bed, on the upstroke, so we get one more shot on the way down." When you get old in the hips, you gotta be young in the lips. Q: Why are jello and women alike? A: Because they both wriggle when you eat them!! how do girls and jello differ? jello comes in more than one flavor. This lady was so fat..... How fat was she? Every time she tried to get out of bed... She'd rock herself back to sleep! how do you have sex with a fat lady? roll her in flour and look for the wet spot........ just hope its not an armpit!! when all else fails follow the dog's rule of life..... "If you cant eat it or fuck it, piss on it!" its a business doing pleasure with you, said the whore as she accepted payment for her services. A bossomy blond was trying on an extremely low-cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was to low-cut. "Do you have hair on your chest??" the saleswoman asked. "No!" "Then", the saleswoman said, "it's too low-cut!" Girl in movie theater: "the man next to me is masturbating!" girlfriend: "ignore him." Girl: "I can't, he's using my hand!" Q: Why should you wrap hamsters in duct tape? A: So that they don't blow up when you butt-fuck them! A recently married couple were enjoying their nineth month together and really pounding away a storm. Finally, when the guy was exhausted, he pulled out, and out came his newly born daughter. "We got to start them early, eh honey." .....And you thought bouncing babies was just a phrase. WHY DO COWBOYS MAKE SUCH ROTTEN LOVERS? BECAUSE THEY THINK A GOOD RIDE IS EIGHT SECONDS LONG. WHY ARE COWGIRLS BOW-LEGGED? BECAUSE COWBOYS LIKE TO EAT WITH THEIR HATS ON. **INCEST** a dandy game the whole family can play. By Milton Bradley. M B A boy was screwing his sister. "Boy," he wheezed, "you're almost as good as Mom!" "I know" she replied, "that's what Dad says." Definition of INCEST: Theory of Relative-ity What's red and has seven dents ?? Snow White's cherry !!! Did you hear that they had to postpone the leper hockey game? It seems that there was a face off in the corner. Did you hear about the leper who laughed his head off? Did you hear about India's new weapon used in the Punjab? It's a Sikh heating missile... What do you call a dentist that wear a black leather jacket and rides a motorcycle? The Leader of the Plaque DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY THAT CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND STARTED TO PLAY WITH HIMSELF? THE POLICE DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO ARREST HIM FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE OR FOR HYJACKING. Arnold Palmer was walking with his son. His son said," Dad, How do you JACK-OFF"??? Arnold replied," Son, It's all in the wrist." Why does an elephant have four feet? Because eight inches won't do it. What's gray and comes in quarts? An elephant!!!! What is the black stuff between elephants' toes? Slow Natives. These are best delivered in rapid succession. The key is to never let them stop groaning. What do you call a paraplegic who: Is stuffed in a mail box? . . . Bill. Is under a car? . . . . . . Jack. Gets hit with mallets . . . . Tom. Is in a swimming pool . . . . Bob. Gets carried around in the ghetto Blair. Spins on a wheel . . . . . . Clay. Sits in a bun . . . . . . . Frank. Gets passed among friends . . . Jay. Gets shit on . . . . . . . John. Gets thrown . . . . . . . . Lance. Sits by the side of the road . . Mark. Is filled with vacationers . . . Van. Is filled with patients . . . . Ward. Is read by lawyers . . . . . Will. What's pink and hairy and sits on a wall????? Humpty Cunt What is a polish Vibrator???? A mop handle and six relatives shaking the bed!!! What is the miracle of aids??? It turns fruits into vegetables!! What would you say to -well- a little oral activity?" ventured the horny young man in the singles bar. "That all depends," parried the girl. "Your face or mine?" What so you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Roll-aids! Why did they stop letting women swim in the ocean ? Because they couldn't get the smell out of the fish !!! What's the difference between an anorexic and a counterfit dollar bill ? A counterfit bill is a "fony buck"!!! What did the blind man say when he entered the fish store? Hello ladies!! What is the last thing on a bug's mind after he hits the windshield? His ass. You know why Nancy Reagan always gets on top during sex? 'cause Ronnie can only fuck up! You know what Relative Humidity is? It's the sweat that drips from your balls while you're fucking your sister-in-law. You know the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? White fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Black fairy tales begin with "You ain't gonna belive this shit!" What's the best way to torture a animal? Bury a cat up to it's' neck in the ground and run over it with a lawn mower!! How about using a cat for shark bait. Take the cat.... drop it in a vat of hydro-sulfuric acid... pull it out real quick..... (wash it off...watch the fur fly) put it in a small cage and let it take a visit to the dog pound. don't feed it for a week (you get the idea....) Hanging your cat from the ceiling then getting a bunch of Mexican kidds and telling them that it is a pinata. After 5 minutes of this you saute your cat in 350 degree heat for 1 minute. Then strap him in a chair and turn the TV on in front of him to Channel 11 for 1 day, until he knows the alphabet or where Mr. Rogers keeps his sweater. Finally, take a pair of wire snippers and snip the tendons on each of the cat's legs (ouch!) Drop him off in front of the dog pound and watch him 'try' to run. Now that's torture!!! .....let's leave poor old cats (lovely creatures) alone. You never know- some surgeon may transplant the heart (liver, etc.) of one into someone you love.... what is green, slimy and smells like miss piggy? kermit`s finger. why did the monkey fall out of the tree? he`s dead. I think I have discovered the perfect solution to all of the starvation in Ethiopia ...... Get Union Carbide to open a plant there !! (With apologies to "Boy's Life") - Daffynitions grazing blow - what a male nudist experiences if he falls asleep in a pasture Mop 'n Glo - job description of the janitor at Three Mile Island. Incest: Theory of Relative-ity. Q: What is so special about the Vanessa Williams Commemorative Postage Stamp? A: This stamp licks you! How do Pinochio and his girlfriend make love? She sits on his face and he tells lies! Q. What do you get if you cross Sally Fields with a Smerf? A. Blue Nun. Q. What do you get if you cross a streetwalker with an elephant? A. A two-ton pickup. Q. What do you get if you cross a streetwalker with an elephant? A. A piece of ass you'll never forget. Q. What do you get when you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field??? A. Two tight ends and a wide receiver. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? ... All of them What do you call a Ethiopian with sesame seeds on his head? ... a quarter pounder What do you call an Ethiopian with a nickel on his head? ... a nail What do you call a 100 pound Ethiopian? .... Bubba What do they call venetian blinds in Ethiopia? ... bunk beds How many Ethiopians can you fit in a bathtub? ...none, they all go down the drain. What is the fastest land animal... ...the Ethiopian Chicken! what is this: 10 6 11 ? ...measurment of an Ethiopion Playboy Bunny Our current nuclear posture is like a man with a four-foot penis... ........pretty damn impressive, but what do you fuck with it?? What did the black kid get for Chirstmas? ...my bike. Did you all here about Rock Hudson and Sylvester Stallone teaming up in the new movie coming out next summer? It's called: ************* ** Rambutt ** ************* Definitions of AIDS?: 1) Adios, Infected Dick Sucker or... 2) Anal Intercourse with a Dirty Stick 3) Acquired Immune Defiency Syndrome Do you know Rock Hudson's background? He was born in Wisconsin and 'reared' in San Francisco. What does "gay" stand for?? Got AIDS yet? They say that Rock is getting better... he's back on his hands and knees. What is another name for Sickle Cell Anemia? AIDS for Spades. Tatoo on the front of a gay insurance man: "Get a Piece of the Rock, While you can!" Now you know the problem with the Hudson Bay company . . . DID YOU HEAR THEY FOUND JIM NABORS DEAD FROM DROWNING IN NEW YORK?? HE WAS FOUND BOBBING ON THE HUDSON. Why did Rock Hudson's car insurance company cancel his policy? Because he had been rear-ended at least once too often ... Why are they thinking of changing the name AIDS? Because too many welfare people were applying for it! They say that Rock Hudson doesn't have very many friends, but he has Neighbors up the Ass!! Reminds me of a science fiction story I read somewhere about an invasion by "evil space men" but rather than destroy us with huge ufo's and laser beams they simply introduced a virulent disease which was so alien to our human metabolism that we had no immunity and everyone died! AIDS...Alien Invasion Disease'S It's no wonder that men are fucking themselves -- women are wearing combat boots and shaving their heads! - Rolling Stone Magazine, Quote from an interviewer How many hoosiers does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat and one to watch for cars. What's the motto of the State of Indiana? Attention: K-Mart Shoppers! Q. What do you call a female clone? A. Clunt Q. Who won the Italian beeauty contest??? A. No one Q. Why are black mothers so strong??? A. From raising dumb bells Q. What do you call a Poollock ith an I.Q. of 175??? A. a village Q. Why do blacks wear hats??? A. to keep the birds from shitting on their lips Q. Why do Italians wear hats??? A. So they know which end to wipe Q. Why do black people wear high heels???? A. to keep their knuckles from dragging the ground Q. What do you call a pretty girl in Poland??? A. a tourist Q. How do you get a Mexican out of a bathtub????? A. turn on the water Q. Why did god give blacks thm?? A. He screwed up on the hair Q. What has thousand teeth and eats weenies?? A. a zipper Q. What do you call 4 Mexians in a cadillac???? A. grand theft auto Q. What do you call a Mexican baptism??? A. bean dip Q. Whats invisible and smells like carrots?? A. bunny farts Q. Whats invisible and smells like dog food??? A. old people farts Q. Whats the definition of a virgin??? A. an ugly third grader Q. why do blacks move to Taiwan???? A. so they can be called 'tycoons' Q. what do you call a cow that has had an Abortion??? A. Decalfinated Q. what do you call a pimple on a pollocks ass??? A. a brain tumor Q. if two pollocks are siting on a couch - which one is the cock sucker?? A. the one spitting feathers Q. what will they call the first black test tube baby????? A. janitor in a drum Q. what do you call two gays named Bob???? A. oral roberts Q. what did the moron say when he saw an elephant coming down the street ??? A. Watch out, Flood!! Q. what do you call a herd of masterbating cattle?? A. Beef stroganoff Q. have you heard of the new Oriental cookbook?? A. It's called 101 ways to wok your dog Q. Where do you get virgin wool?? A. from ugly sheep Q. Why don't Mexicans barbecue?? A. because the beans keep slipping thru the grill Q. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental??? A. a car thief who can't drive Q. What did the POLLOCK do with his first 50 cent piece????? A. He married her Q. Why is SAN FRANCISCO like 'granola'??? A. because once you get past the the fruits and the nuts all you have left are the flakes Q. Whats the difference between chicken and meat??? A. If you beat a chicken it will die Q. What do ya get when you cross a black guy with Bo Derek???? A. a 'ten of spades' Q. what are 3 things you can't give a black guy??? A. a black eye, a fat lip, or a job Q. why do blacks wear turtlenecks???? A. to hide their flea collars Q. Why did the WASP staple his nuts together?? A. He figured if he couldn't lick'em he'd join them Q. have you heard of the new German microwave??? A. it seats 25 Q. Why do hunters make better lovers? A. 1. They dig deep in the bushes 2. They always shoot twice 3. They always eat what they shoot Q. Why did the Polish parrot eat beans??? A. He wanted to be a Thunderbird One day a North Dakotan lost his gum in a chicken coop. He thought he found it 3 times. Q. Why do Italians eat beans every Friday night?? A. So they can have a bubble bath on Saturday Q. What do you find in a Mexicans nose??? A. fingerprints Q. What is the Illinois state flower? A. mildew Did you hear about the Pollock that stepped in manure, and thought he was melting? Q. Why don't Pollocks eat M & M's?????? A. They get tired of trying to peel them Q. Where is the safest place to hide money in Mexico??? A. Under a bar of soap Q. How can you tell when you're in Polland???? A. You will see toilet paper hanging from the clothes lines Q. How many people are in a Mexican funeral procession??? A. Seven, six to carry the casket and one to drag the body Q. Why does the new Pollish Navy have glass bottom boats??? A. So they can see the old Pollish Navy Q. What do you call a 35 year old black person in the third grade??? A. A genius Q. What are the 5 worst years of a Pollock's life??? A. the first grade A Mexican safari- a cockroach and a can of RAID DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLLOCK THAT COULD COUNT TO TEN? WOULD YOU BELEIVE FIVE?? Q. WHAT DOES EVERY ILLINORTH DAKOTAN MOTHER HAVE THAT CHRISTY BRINKLEY DOESN'T??? A. A WART ON HER CHIN * * * "Now that we're back at my place," the young man sounded out the girl, "do you want to play 20 Questions?" "That sounds like fun," she replied. "And maybe screw afterward?" "That sounds like fun too!" "In that case," said the fellow, smiling, "I somehow think we've just skipped the first 19." * * * It's rumored that an old patent medicine may reapper on the market. It's was called Preparation A, and it's going to be targeted for long-time video game addicts who have asteroids. * * * An uptight young lady gloried in her virginity and often berated a swinging girlfiend for her loose ways. "Until I'm married," she once declared, "I'm keeping MY legs closed to all men!" But then, one fateful night, she met a fool and his money.........and they soon parted. * * * The ultimate gesture to a guest in one San Franciso hotel is said to be sending a complimentary fruit to the individual's room. * * * "I think we'll have to find another baby sitter," announced the man. "That Sharon is just too worldly-wise for a teenager." "But Timmy said she told him some sort of interesting story about animals last night," countered his wife. "Yes -- and when I pressed Timmy for details, he said it was about a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver!" * * * Bumper Sticker: SUPPORT THE GIRL SCOUTS. TODAY'S BROWNIE IS TOMORROW'S COOKIE. * * * "There is no such thing," was the wry comment of an executive who had just been found responcible in a six-figure paternity suit, "as a free lunge." * * * "The reason I like dating Mortimer," the girl remarked primly, "is that he's on the up-and-up." "And the reason I'm dating Don," her classmate said with a grin, "is that he's into the up and down." * * * A flaky artist used to dump cans of paint onto a huge canvas lying on the floor and then have nude models slither around on it to form abstract designs. "Do you derive special enjoyment from using that particular technique?" and art critic asked him. "Not really," the man replied, "but what is a lot of fun is cleaning the brushes!" * * * Daffynition: Bedroom Slippers: lubricated condoms. * * * "Chuck and I were made for each other!" the coed announced happily during a vacation to her best friend back home. "He's a B.M.O.C. -- you know, a big man on campus -- and in the double sense of being a big wheel and having a big whang!" "And how do you fit in specially with him, Debby?" inquired the friend. "I'm generally considered to be the female B.M.O.C. at Tech," said Debby, smiling. "Female B.M.O.C.?" "Best Mouth On Campus!" * * * What is the first thing the sorority girl did in the morning? -- She went home! Here's one I remember from my childhood: A fancy young dandy from Shoreham, Had pants too tight, but he wore `em. He looked very neat, `Till he bent in the street, To pick up a dime and he tore `em. Well, I think it's cute!!! Here's a joke (OK a riddle, sue me!) I heard told by Rip Taylor on a preview for the Merv Griffin Show: Q: What do you call a short pyschic that just broke out of prison? A: A small medium at large! Here's another one by Taylor that I heard on American Bandstand years ago. Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? A: Uncle Ben's perverted rice! Well, I think they're funny!