Shalom! Well, here it is - the first in an on-going series of text-files, destined to create happiness. Just think of it as an initiation to a different kind of thinking. Ok? Good, then let's get started.
Chapter 1
"Time and Relativity"
"I don't think God had anything to do with creation...Relatively speaking, I don't think he had the time for it."
- Fresno Bob
Time is relative. Relativity is timeless. Together, we have an un-ending paradox which defies confusion. Redundancy, in its full glory, can explain some things (like your mother). Redundancy is a concept which some genius created long ago to help explain time and relativity. At least that is the current rumor...
So don't worry about time - it's relative. And relativity - it's timeless. Put simply, it's all very redundant.
Chapter 2
"Breakfast"
"I used to eat instant breakfast - now I just eat a late dinner."
- Fresno Bob
A great deal of research has gone into this topic of "eating in the morning". At first it was thought to be communist-inspired, but we quickly disregarded that theory when the truth eventually was to be leaked-out (by certain people we just can't mention here). Still, the actual validity of breakfast remains to be proved. Of course, the same doctors and specialists still argue that food in the stomach after awaking is important physically. Though we can't as of yet release all the details, we can assure you this is not the case.
At this point in time, we still have to compile the rest of the information we have uncovered. But don't worry, we'll fill you in on the real story behind the breakfast bagel as quickly as possible. We are quite sure you will find the real story shocking.
Just remember, breakfast is not a part of American life; it is a European tradition. Maybe it would better for you to give up breakfast, and keep our country great.
Chapter 3
"Getting a Girlfriend"
"I use whiskey as after-shave, but my girlfriend thinks I'm an Aqua-Velva man."
- Fresno Bob
It seems there is much confusion about this topic. But, the question is, Why? Think of it: a girlfriend. Literally, the name implies a "female friend". Ha! But in the degeneration of today's society, this term is now synonymous with words such as "mount-to-be", "main-squeeze", "babe-in-the-mouth", and "twinkie-machine". It seems that fornication is the general want, and a girlfriend presents the solution. Confusing? We think not. So it has come to us that the real problem lies in the getting of this girlfriend, and this must be where everyone's confusion lies. Well, this is a much more complicated matter, so I guess now is as good a time as any to drill you on the basics...
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-Theory of Suburban Relationships-
-================================-
- -
- General Formula -
- --------------- -
- -
- I + T = C -
- -
- (Individual+Time=Coitus) -
- -
----------------------------------
Explanation: An individual (I), given enough time (T), will eventually achieve coitus (C).
So, we can all see that = sex = is the name of the game. But you are going to need more than this before you can pack up your comb, collared shirt, and bottle of "Polo" to go on the quest for that ever-elusive pink wonder. Don't fear - the answer lies just a wrap-around away.
"I did it just the opposite of how my parents did it - which was wrong."
- Fred Bob Joans
"Don't bother me now, I'm in the middle of a cigarette."
- Max Headroom
"All girls want to be fucked, need to be fucked, or are being fucked. If you don't agree, then you're fucked."
- The Mad Bohemian
"Be subtely arrogant, and use just a pinch of whipped cream."
- Judd Deangelo
"If you're that lost, you could always try a sheep."
- Fresno Bob
The Suburban Relationship Flowchart
Ok, here is something to give you the know-how to get the job done.
1.Decide
you need
to get
laid
-----
!
!
2.Pick someone
------------
!
!
3.Did you pick someone of the same sex?
-------------------------------------
Yes - You're a loss. Give it up. End flow.
------------------------------------------
No - Good! You're on the road to happiness.
Continue to step 4.
!
!
4.Ask her for a date
------------------
!
!
Her reply
!
-----------------------------------
! !
YES NO
--- --
Alright! You're Well, there's
already half way no accounting
there!! for taste...
! Start over.
!
!
-----------------
!
!
5.Set time, place
---------------
!
!
6.Pick her up
!
!
7.Follow Date Etiquette
Date Etiquette
--------------
A Date is: Taking her someplace to eat, then doing something recreational (like a movie, laser-show, sex, etc.). Although sex can be substituted for the direct after-dinner recreation, it generally comes into play after.
Rules to follow on a date:
--------------------------
1. Take a shower before...not after.
2. Brush your teeth.
3. Wear clean clothes.
4. Be witty - humor will get you everywhere.
5. Make sure you play some real music while driving her about...if you don't have a stereo in your car, then go get one.
6. Be a man.
Things you don't do on a date:
------------------------------
1. Don't pick your nose.
2. Don't drool.
3. Don't take her to McDonalds (Note: McDonalds is a generic term which refers to fast food places in general...don't take her somewhere with a sign overhead that says, "Good eats"...). Show a little class and take her someplace real. Give her the impression that you care.
4. Don't sit there and say nothing, with your thumb up your ass.
5. Don't talk about your last girlfriend.
6. Don't talk about your current girlfriend.
7. Don't be depressing (be cheerful - you've gotten this far!)
8. Don't scratch you're balls.
9. Don't brag.
10. Don't talk about your mom and her one-legged cat.
There you have it. Everything you need to know to get the job done.
This text-file is over, due to the fact that everyone is tired. Be sure to catch the remaining 6 chapters (4-10) in the next volumes of "The Ten Chapters of Suck".
"Thank God, I didn't think it was ever going to end."
- Max Headroom
"You know, I don't think I learned anything from all that."
- Judd Deangelo
"Personally, I think we should have devoted a section on violence...or maybe on details on female anatomy."
- The Mad Bohemian
"Some people call me a rebel; I guess that's close enough."
- Fresno Bob
Thank you and goodnight.
(C) MCXXIVIXXXVII S/M Cherry Orgy Butter - it kicks ass!
////////////////////////////////
/ The Bone Cellar 303-457-0388 /
////////////////////////////////
Call and don't expect anything less
than true greatness.
SSCOB
With very little help from:
THE BREW CREW
-------------
PRESENTS
-------------
"THE TEN CHAPTERS OF SUCK"
VOLUME II
ALSO TITLED:
"EVEN MORE RAW BOREDOM IN-THE-MOUTH"
COMPILED BY:
MAX HEADROOM
& Shades
ON
MAY 19, 1987
"I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT.."
- MAX
PROLOGUE
--------
WELCOME TO VOLUME II OF THIS MOST-
DEMANDED TEXT-FILE, "THE TEN CHAPTERS
OF SUCK". WELL, ALL YOUR QUESTIONS
RESULTING FROM THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS
SHOULD BE ANSWERED SOMEWHERE HERE. WE
KNOW WE LEFT A LOT OF LOOSE ENDS, SO
HERE WE ARE AGAIN, TRYING TO PATCH UP
THAT ORIGINAL MESS OF STEAMING
PHILOSOPHY. AS FOR NEATNESS, WE FINALLY
DECIDED TO FORMAT IN 40 COLUMNS, (Note: Well sometime before this )
BASICALLY BECAUSE WE ARE ALL LIVING IN (file was over the author got real )
THE PAST...SO GRAB A BREW, BOOST YOUR (and upgraded to a //e..gee! )
CONTRAST, AND PUT SOME FLOYD ON THE CD (so calm down, he actually has )
PLAYER...AND BEWARE. (lower case & 80 cols now! Yay! )
(so calm down! And take it easy )
"THE NIGHT WAS COLD, THE MOMENT WAS
NEW, BUT MY BOTTLE SPOKE TO ME"
- FRESNO BOB
CHAPTER FOUR:
DRINKING
ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. ALCOHOLISM IS A
DISEASE. BIZARRE...ALCOHOL IS THE ONLY
DRUG THAT'S NAME IS ASSOCIATED WITH A
DISEASE, BUT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
(A PERSON CAN BE AN ALCOHOLIC WITHOUT
EVER TOUCHING AN OUNCE OF ALCOHOL). AS
YOU CAN SEE, DRINKING IS A VERY MIXED-
UP SITUATION. IT SEEMS THAT THE VERY
CONCEPT CANNOT BE DEALT ON EASILY. THE
TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS, AS FAR AS
DRINKING IS CONCERNED, NONE OF THE SO-
CALLED "EXPERTS" (HA!) KNOWS WHAT IN THE
HELL THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. THESE ARE
PEOPLE WHO ARE CONFUSED WITH LIFE,
NOT HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES OR ANYONE
ELSE. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY MOM, YOUR MOM,
OR THEIR MOM. ALL THINGS CONSIDERED,
THESE PEOPLE ARE WEAK. SO DON'T LISTEN
TO THEM. WE ARE GOING TO SET THE RECORDS
STRAIGHT, RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
A QUOTE FROM A HIGHLY KNOWLEDGEABLE GUY.
(DEFINITION OF A TRUE DRINKER) "IT SEEMS
THAT FEW PEOPLE SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TRUE DRINKER AND
THE ALCOHOLIC; IT SEEMS THAT IF ONE
DRINKS QUITE A BIT THEN HE/SHE IS AN
ALCOHOLIC, IN THE EYES OF MOST.
ASSUREDLY, THIS IS NOT THE CASE. AN
ALCOHOLIC IS ALWAYS AN ABUSIVE
PERSONALITY - IF IT WEREN'T ALCOLHOL, IT
WOULD MOST PROBABLY BE SOMETHING ELSE.
ALCOHOLICS DON'T GET ANY SATISFACTION
FROM DRINKING; DRINKING TO THEM IS LIKE
SLEEPING TO ANYONE ELSE. BUT THE TRUE
DRINKER WORKS UNDER A DIFFERENT
MOTIVATION. DRINKING HOLDS IMPORTANCE
TO THIS PERSON; COLOR, TASTE, SMELL, AND
ALCOHOL CONTENT ARE ALWAYS BEING
ANALYZED BY THE TRUE DRINKER. MOTIVATION
FOR THIS PERSON IS WHERE THE CONFUSION
BETWEEN DRINKERS AND ALCOHOLICS RESTS.
THE DRINKER'S MOTIVATION IS VERY
DEDICATED; DRINKERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO
GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO GET THAT "BLESSED
LIQUID."
- MAX HEADROOM
WE'RE NOT GOING TO BOMBARD YOUR BRAIN
WITH IRRELEVANT STATS ON ALCOHOL -
INSTEAD, WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU THE
WAY IT IS, THE WAY IT HAS BEEN, AND THE
WAY IT WILL CONTINUE TO BE.
ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. THIS FACT STANDS
ABOVE ALL OTHERS...THIS ONE FACT IS THE
KEY BACKBONE TO THE CONCEPT OF
DRINKING. BECAUSE ALCOHOL IS A DRUG,
AND BECAUSE IT IS A LEGAL DRUG, IT IS
IN GREAT DEMAND. NOW, MANY PEOPLE
THINK THAT ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU -
THIS IS A MALICIOUS LIE (I.E., MYTH).
ALCOHOL IS ACTUALLY VERY GOOD FOR THE
HUMAN BODY. ALCOHOL CREATES A LOSS OF
INHIBITIONS - MYTH #2. ALCOHOL FORCES
OUT THOSE HELD IN FEELINGS AND
ANXIETIES THAT WOULD END UP COMING OUT
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER...THIS IS GOOD FOR
THE BODY AND FOR THE PSYCHE. PLUS, JUST
THINK OF THE GOOD LOOSING CONTROL DOES
SOMEONE...PEOPLE NEED IT (AND ALCOHOL
ACHIEVES IT!) ALRIGHT!! ONE CAN CLEARLY
SEE THAT ALCOHOL GETS THE JOB DONE.
LAMPSHADES ARE SOMETHING THAT IS NOT
CONSIDERED FUNNY AROUND HERE. THE AGE
OLD IDEA THAT LAMPSHADE MEANS LOSS OF
CONTROL, IS LIKE SAYING SOMETHING LIKE
"IS THE BOWL CASHED YET"? TOTALLY
OUTDATED, USELESS, AND BORING. THE
ENTIRE LAMPSHADE CONCEPT WAS OBVOIUSLY
DEVISED BY SOMEONE WITH A SMALL PENIS.
WHO COULD NOT HANDLE ANAL EXPLORATION.
IN RETROSPECT- DRINKING IS NOT FOR
THE FAINT HEARTED. IT'S ONE OF THE
HIGHEST FORMS OF ARTFULL ENJOYMENT. SO
IT IS A SERIOUS CONCEPT, TO BE DEALT ON,
IMMEDIATELY...
(*CHAPTER 5*) THE ONE YOU HAVE ALL
BEEN WAITING FOR..
"A TRUE MAN IS KNOWN, BY HIS TIT
LENGTH ALONE" -JUDD DEANGELO
"DRINK!" - HEADROOM
"FAT CHICK? LUSCIOUS BABE? WHERE?
SOMEONE SAY FAT CHICK? WHERE'S THAT
LUSCIOUS BABE?" -FLAMING RED
"SOUR CREAM ALCOHOL...THE WAY OF THE
FUTURE.. FERMENTED FUN IN THE MOUTH"
-THE MAD BOHEMIAN
What? 80 cols and lower case out of thin air. It just appeared!
You know writing these things isn't as easy as you think.. first of all
you have your general mental blocks. Then you have to decide if you really
want to devulge that certain information you do come up with in the middle
of the night during a steaming wet dream involving your mom and some dwarfs
in neon G-strings tieing you up and smearing crisco all over your member while
you scream and shout in total frustration as they dangle you over a vat of hot
cat vomit and fermented multch which is giving the high of your life and you
are seeing visions of screaming luscious miniature horny toads croaking and
leaping and you feel your scrotum tense up and your head is getting larger
expanding with a throb here and there and everywhere and your mom laughs and
pretty soon it starts raining cheescake, puffballs, and gumdrops and all the
dwarfs turn into giants and start yelling 'he hi ho hum where is my toliet
gum' and you know where it is, it's in your pocket right by your
pant-a-brator II but you are saving it and hope they don't find it but pretty
soon you realise it just is not Tuesday anymore..
So what are you to do? Your next move should be to the bathroom.
Chapter 5 1/2 "And you thought it was overwith"
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"I don't really think we should go on" -Fresno Bob
