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@BEGIN_FILE_ID.DIZThe holy grale... Very funny text :-) @END_FILE_ID.DIZ **** The Black Knight scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** **** This is transcript #4 from the movie **** **** (continued from #3, PEASANT PYTHON) **** Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in green and one in black. Arthur stops and watches the fight. The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Patsy and they "ride" forward. Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. (The black knight does not respond) Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons. (no response) Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court at Camelot. (no response) Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? (no response) Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy! As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks: Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: (taken aback) What? Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS. Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE. Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside. Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN. Arthur: So be it! (draws sword) A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight's left arm off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open shoulder. Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch. Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm's off! Black Knight: No it isn't! Arthur: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground) Black Knight: I've had worse. Arthur: You LIAR! Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts off the black knight's right arm, causing it and the black knight's sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump. Arthur: Victory is mine! (kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy-- He is kicked onto his side by the black knight. Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again) Arthur: (on the ground) What?!? Black Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you! Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh? Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! Black Knight: Yes I have! Arthur: LOOK!!! Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again) Arthur: Look, STOP that! Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!! Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg! (The Black Knight continues his kicking) Arthur: RIGHT! (He chops off the black knight's leg with his sword) Black Knight: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that! Arthur: You'll *WHAT*? Black Knight: Come 'ere! Arthur: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me? Black Knight: I'm *INVINCIBLE*!!! Arthur: You're a looney.... Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!! (hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining leg) Arthur shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Black Knight's last appendage. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move. Arthur: Okay, we'll call it a draw. Come, Pasty! (they "ride" away) Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! **** The Witch Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** **** Transcribed from memory and later corrected from the tape by **** **** Malcolm ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET ) Dickinson 3/25/86 **** **** This is transcript #5 from the movie, continued from KNIGHT PYTHON **** Bedevere stands on a stage in front of a large crowd of wild villagers. Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her? Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch? Villager: She looks like one! Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!! Bedevere: Bring her forward. (a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one. Witch: THEY dressed me up like this. Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't! Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! (Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.) Bedevere: Well? One Villager: Well, we did do the nose. Bedevere: The nose? Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch! Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! B: Did you dress her up like this? Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... One Villager: yes. Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart... B: What makes you think she is a witch? Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!! (pause) Bedevere: a newt? (long pause) Villager: I got better... Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she is a witch! Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us! B: Tell me. What do you do with witches? V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!! B: And what do you burn apart from witches? Villager: More Witches! Other Villager: Wood. B: So. Why do witches burn? (long silence) (shuffling of feet by the villagers) Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood? B: Goooood! Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh.... B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood? One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er! B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone? Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm... B: Does wood sink in water? One Villager: No! No, no, it floats! Other Villager: Throw her into the pond! Villagers: yaaaaaa! (when order is restored) B: What also floats in water? Villager: Bread! Another Villager: Apples! Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks! Another Villager: Cider! Another Villager: Uh...great gravy! Another Villager: Cherries! Another Villager: Mud! Another Villager: Churches! Churches! Another Villager: Lead! Lead! King Arthur: A Duck! Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh! B: exACTly! B: (to a villager) So, *logically*... Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. B: and therefore... (pause) Villager: A Witch! All Villagers: A WITCH! (they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.) Witch: (to camera) It's a fair cop. Thereafter follows the knighting of Bedevere and the reading of the list of other knights: Sir Bedevere the Wise Sir Lancelot the Brave Sir Galahad the Pure Sir Robin, the Not So Brave As Sir Launcelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angor who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. and the aptly named Sir Not Appearing In This Film. **** Continued in CAMELOT PYTHON, Transcript #6 in the movie **** **** The Song of the Knights of Camelot **** Launcelot: Look, my liege! (fanfare) Launcelot: Camelot! Robin: Camelot! Galahad: Camelot! Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model. Galahad: Shh! Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to CAMELOT! song: We're knights of the round table, we dance whene're we're able. We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable; We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot. We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot! Though we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable, Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable, It's a busy life in Camelot: I have to push the pram-a-lot! Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. Others: Right, right.... **** A Blessing from the Lord **** Bedevere: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped. Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders can be employed to prevent earthquakes. Bedevere: Oh, certainly, Sir. You see,... (Thunder) (the clouds open and a giant animated face is seen. It speaks:) God: Aaaarthur... Aarthur, King of the Britons... (the knights fall to their knees) God: Oh don't grovel! Arthur: Sorry, Lord... God: And DON'T apologize!! Every time I try to talk to somebody, its "I'm sorry" this and "forgive me" that and "I'm not *worthy*"... It's like those miserable Psalms--they're soooo depressing! Arthur: Yes, Lord. God: What're you doing now? Arthur: Averting my eyes, o Lord. God: Well KNOCK IT OFF! Arthur: Yes, Lord. God: Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, I have decided to set you a task as an example in these dark times. Arthur: Good idear, o Lord! God: (thunder) 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Now: this is the Holy Grail. (giant picture of a golden, jewel-encrusted grail appears in the sky) (heavenly music) Look well, Arthur: It is your mission to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur: The Quest for the Holy Grail! (the clouds slam shut.) Arthur: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord! Lancelot: God be praised! **** Transcript #9 from the film. **** **** Continued from transcript #8, FRENCH PYTHON **** ** The Tale of Sir Robin. ** So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. Minstrel: song: Bravely bold Sir Robin Brought forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, Oh, brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his peni-- Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's dirty work afoot. As mysterious music comes up, Robin and his minstrels pass Dennis, from the PEASANT sketch, and his wife. Dennis: Anarcho-syndicism is a way of *preserving* freedom! His Wife: Oh, Dennis, *forget* about freedom! We 'aven't got enough mud! They also pass three signs that read: _________________ _______________________ (____ CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 ______) ( CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 ) ( CAMELOT 43 ) ( CERTAIN DEATH 1 ) (____________) (_________________) A little further on, he passes on the far side of a tree, on which, on the near side, three knights are impaled on a single lance. Suddenly, just as Sir Robin is at his most nervous: -------- at this point, the movie and album go their separate ways: ----------- --------------------------------in the movie----------------------------------- Three headed knight: HALT!!! WHO ART THOU??? Minstrel: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, Who-- Robin: Shut up!!! (to the knight) Um, n-n-nobody, really, I-I-I- J-Just, um, j-just passing through. Three headed knight: WHAT DO YOU WANT??? Minstrel: To fight, and-- Robin: SHUT UP!!! Um, ooh, n-nothing, nothing, really, I-I-I, j-just, just to, um, just to... p-p-pass through, good sir knight? Three headed knight: I'M AFRAID NOT!!! Robin: Ah. (pause) Well, actually, I...I am a knight of the round table.... Three-headed knight: You're a knight of the Round Table??? Robin: I am. Three-headed knight: Left: In that case I shall have to kill you. Middle: Shall I? Right: Oh, I don't think so. Middle: Well what do I think? Left: I think, kill it! Right: Oh, Let's be nice to him. Left: Oh, shut up! Middle: Perhaps... Left: And you! Quick, get the sword out, I want to cut 'is head off! Right: Oh, cut your own head off. Middle: Yes, do us all a favor! Left: What?!! Right: Yappin' on, all the time... Middle: You're lucky; you're not next to him! Left: What d'you mean?? Middle: You SNORE! Left: Ooh, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath! Middle: Well it's only 'cause you don't brush my teeth! Right: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea! Left: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits. Middle: Yes. Right: Oh, Not biscuits. Left: All right, all right, not biscuits, but let's KILL HIM ANYWAY. All: RIGHT. (pause: the three look around. No one is there.) ---------------------------------on the album---------------------------------- Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his tactics! ---------------------record and film in agreement again------------------------ Left: 'E's backed off! Right: So 'e has, 'e's scarfed! Minstrel: Robin: Brave Sir Robin ran away. No! Bravely ran away away.... I didn't! When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled No!! Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't! And gallantly chickened out.. Bravely taking to his feet I never did! He beat a very brave retreat All lies! Brave as **-**, brave Sir Robin! I never! **** The tale of Sir Galahad: ANTHRAX PYTHON **** **** Transcribed, expressly for the Python collection at BBoard@Yalevmx **** **** from the tape of the film **** **** by Malcolm Dickinson ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET ) 3/11/87 **** **** Transcript #10 from the film. **** **** Continued from transcript #9, ROBIN PYTHON. **** Sir Galahad, making his way through deep forest in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm, comes upon a dark, tall castle. At the top of the tower glows a stunning image of the Holy Grail. A wolf howls. He struggles to the door of the castle, upon which, while standing in the pouring rain, he bangs with his armored glove. Galahad: <banging> Open the door! <banging again> Open the door! In the name of King Arthur, open the door! The door creaks open, and Galahad falls onto the stone floor of the castle. Looking up, he sees the faces of three young women dressed all in white. Women: Hello! Hello! Hello! Zoot: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax! Galahad: (confused) The Castle Anthrax?? Zoot: Yes... (disappointed) It's not a very good name, is it? (brightening) Oh, But *we* are nice! And we will attend to your every, *every* need! Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? Zoot: The what? Galahad: The Grail... it is here.... Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Creeper! Other women: Yes, Sir Zoot! Zoot: Prepare a *bed* for our guest. Others: Yes, Sir Zoot. Thank you, Sir Zoot! Thank you, Sir Zoot! Thank you- Zoot: Away, Away, vile etessence! (to Galahad) The beds here are warm and soft... And very, *very* big. Galahad: (protesting) Well, look, I..I, uh-- Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight? Galahad: Sir Galahad.... the Chaste. Zoot: Mine is Zoot... just, Zoot. Oh, but come! (starts to lead him upstairs) Galahad: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Grail!! Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delerious! Galahad: (urgently) No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it-- Zoot: Sir Galahad! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality! Galahad: (pause) Well, I--I, uh.... (looks at feet, fingers edge of shield) Zoot: (leading him upstairs) Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score younge blondes and brunettes... all between sixteen and 19-and-a-half... cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a lonely life. Bathing... dressing... undressing... knitting exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights! (she leads him to a bed and sits him down; he tries to get up.) Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. (pushes him down on the bed) (seeing blood on his armour) Oh!! But you are wounded! Galahad: No, no.. i-it's nothing! Zoot: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! (he starts to get up and leave) (pushing him back down) No, no, please! Lie down. She claps her hands twice; two sixteen-year old girls arrive. Piglet: Well... what seems to be the trouble? Galahad: (incredulous) They're DOCTORS? Zoot: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes.... Galahad once again tries to get up and leave. Zoot, quite adept at it by this time, pushes him back down on the bed. Oh, come, come... you must try to rest. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your art. (leaves) The two girls sit on the bed and relieve Galahad of his shield, which he's been holding in front of him during the whole scene. Winston: *Try* to relax... Galahad: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? Piglet: We *must* examine you.... (lifts up a flap of his kilt) Galahad: There's nothing wrong with *that*! Winston: Please.... we *are* doctors. (They begin to proceed with the examination when a metallic "bong" is heard from Galahad's nether region. He grabs his shield and jumps out of bed.) Galahad: Ach! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity! Winston: Back to your bed at once! Galahad: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! Piglet: There's no grail here... Galahad: I have seen it, I have seen it! (he runs through the curtain into another room.) I have-- (suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits... As he passes through them, each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into a staircase, where he almost runs into...) Zoot!! Zoot: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. Galahad: Oh. Well, excuse me, I-- (starting to go by her down the stairs) Dingo: (standing in his way) Where are you going? Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here, in this castle! Dingo: (sudden realization) No... oh, no!! Bad, *bad* Zoot! Galahad: What is it? Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.... Galahad: (incredibly disappointed) It's not the real Grail????! Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Zoot! (leading him back into the room with all the women in it) She is a *naughty* person.... and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her. Others: A spanking, a spanking!!! Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me! Others: And spank me! And me! And me! And me! Dingo: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!! Others: A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!!!!! Dingo: ...and after the spanking.... the Oral Sex!! Others: (amid squeals of delight) The oral sex, the oral sex!!! Galahad: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer... (suddenly, Sir Launcelot and two other nondescript knights come storming into the room, swords drawn.) Launcelot: Sir Galahad! Galahad: Oh, hello... Launcelot: (taking him by the arm) Quick! Galahad: What? Launcelot: (dragging him out of the room) Quick!! Galahad: Why? Launcelot: You are in great peril!!! Dingo: No he isn't! Launcelot: Silence, FOUL TEMPTRESS!!! Galahad: Hey look, she's got the point... Launcelot: Come on, we must cover your escape! Galahad: (being dragged out) Look, I'm FINE! Launcelot (now dragging him into the entrance hall) COME ON... Dingo: Sir Galahad... Galahad: Look, I can tackle this lot *singlehanded*. Dingo: Yes, let him tackle us singlehanded!! Others: Yes, yes!!! Singlehanded!!!!! Launcelot: No, Sir Galahad. Come!! (continues dragging him out) Galahad: No really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot *easily*. Dingo: Oh, Yes, let him handle us *easily*..... Others: Yes, yes.... Galahad: Please, please. I can defeat them; there's only a hundred and fifty of them! (is dragged out the door) Dingo: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily... we haven't a chance! Others: No, we haven't a chance! We haven't a chance!!! (the door slams behind the departed knights) Dingo: Oh, *shit*. Outside, Launcelot and the other two knights are still walking Galahad away from the castle door. Launcelot: We were in the nick of time; you were in great peril! Galahad: I *don't* think I was. Launcelot: Yes you were, you were in *terrible* peril. Galahad: Look. Let me go back in there and *face* the peril. Launcelot: No, it's too perilous. Galahad: But my duty as a knight is to stop as much peril as I can. Launcelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on. Galahad: Oh, let me have just a *little bit* of Peril? Launcelot: No; it's unhealthy. Galahad: I bet you're gay! Launcelot: (indignant) No I'm not! (up on scene 24) Voice over: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost *certain* temptation. But they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. (music up) Oh, that's an *unladen* swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two *laden* swallows' flights away. Four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking, and dragging-- ( crowd says "GET ON WITH IT!!") Oh, anyway. On to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue. And in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- (he is clubbed from behind) **** The Tale of Sir Launcelot: SWAMP PYTHON **** **** From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** **** Laboriously plagiarized by Bret "zzzz...." Shefter **** **** ( SHEBREB@YALEVM.BITNET ) on the tenth day of April in the year of **** **** our Bret 1986 **** **** Laboriously corrected by Malcolm Dickinson **** **** ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET ) 10/30/86 and a bit more again on 3/11/87 **** **** Transcript #12 from the Film **** **** Continued from the middle of transcript #10, NI PYTHON **** THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway. Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. The King and his son the Prince. King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be yours. Son: What, the curtains? King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out over the 'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom, lad. Son: But, Mother... King: Father, lad, Father. Son: But, Father, I don't want any of that. King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was *daft* to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That sank into the swamp. So I built a *third* one. That burned down, fell over, *then* sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the *strongest* castle in these islands. Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather... King: Rather what? Son: I'd rather...just...sing!...... <music up> King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here! <music dies away> Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England. Son: But I don't want land! King: Listen, Alice... Son: 'Erbert... King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!! Son: But... but I don't *like* 'er! King: don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful, she's... *rich*, she's got... HUGE............. tracts o' land... Son: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain...*special*...something... <music up> King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... <grabs the prince> <music dies away> You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! <slaps the prince> GUARDS!!! <two guards come in> Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. <starts to go> Guard 1: <repeating> Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Nono.... *Until* I come and get him. Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. King: <stops> Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave. Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Right. Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the room. King: Nono. *Leaving* the room. Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. King: All right? Guard 1: 'Right. King: Right. <goes out the door> Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we...... King: <coming back in> Yes, what is it? Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh.... (forgetting) King: Look, it's quite simple. Guard 1: Uh..... King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us? King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure... Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had* to leave, and we *were* with him... King: nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else... King: No, not anyone else, just me... Guard 1: ...Just you... Guard 2: *hic* King: Get back. Guard 1: Get back. King: All right? Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. Guard 2: *hic* King: <pause> And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave. Guard 1: What? King: <pause> Make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: The prince?????? King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE... Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! <motions towards the second guard> You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when 'e's a guard... King: <pause> Is that clear? Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems! Guard 2: *hic* King: Right. <starts to leave. The guards follow him> Where are *you* going? Guard 1: We're coming with you! King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE! Guard 1: Oh, I see, right! Son: <plaintively> but father... King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on. <leaves> <music up> <king re-enters> AND NO SINGING! Guard 2: *hic* King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves) The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. Guard 2: *Hic* Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, followed by Concorde, who is banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. They are crossing a stream by jumping between the boulders that lie in it. Launcelot: <they jump from one rock to the next> Well taken, Concorde! Concorde: Thank you, sir! Most kind! Launcelot: And again..... oooover we go. <jumps to another rock> <Concorde makes the jump behind him> Launcelot: Good.... Steady..... And now, the big one... <jumps> Come on, Concorde! <an arrow whizzes through the air and embeds itself in Concorde> Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir. (he falls) Launcelot: Concorde!! Concorde, speak to me! (spies the arrow and unwraps the message) <reads> "To whoever finds this note. I have been...*imprisoned* by my father who wishes me to marry against my will, please please please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of...Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! <starts to draw sword> Concorde: Uh... I--I'm not quite dead, sir! Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been *mortally wounded* in vain! <draws sword> Concorde: I--I think I--I could pull through, sir. Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Oh, I see. Concorde: Actually, I think I'm allright to come with you, sir-- Launcelot: No no, sweet Concorde, stay here. I will send help as soon as I've accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... <pauses, trying to think of word. Gives up...> Concorde: Idiom, sir? Launcelot: Idiom! Concorde: No, I feel fine, actually-- Launcelot: Farewell, sweet Concorde!! <runs off, leaving Concorde looking after him perplexedly> Concorde: (pause) I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? ... Yeah. (drums fingers) Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs one of them through. He dies, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs in. Other guard: (ineffectually) Hey... Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door. Guard 1: Hello! Now, you're not allowed to enter the roo-- Urgh. <dies, run though> Guard 2: *Hic* <also run through> Launcelot: <kneeling before the white-garbed figure in the room> O fair one, behold your humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take-- <sees it's a man, gets up immediately> Oh, I'm terribly sorry . Prince: <claps hands delightedly> You got my note! Launcelot: Ah, well, I--I got, uh, *a* note.... Prince: You've come to rescue me!! Launcelot: Ah, well, no, you see, um-- Prince: I *knew* some one would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be, *someone*--<music up> King: <barging in, quite upset> Stop that, Stop that, STOP IT! STOP IT!! <music out> (to Launcelot) 'Oo are you? Prince: (hurt) I'm your son! King: (to son) No, not *you*!!! Launcelot: Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir. Prince: (proudly) 'E's come to rescue me, Father! Launcelot: Well let's not jump to conclusions-- King: (to Launcelot) Did you kill all those guards?! Launcelot: (trying to remember) Uhhh... (suddenly) Oh yes! (highly embarrassed) Sorry.... King: They cost fifty pounds each! Launcelot: Well I'm awfully sorry... Um, I really *can* explain everything-- Prince: Don't be afraid, Sir Launcelot! I've got a rope all ready! (displays rope made of shredded bedsheets and ties one end to bedpost) King: You killed eight wedding guests in all! Launcelot: Well you see the thing is, I thought your son was a *lady*.... King: I can understand that! Prince: (climbing out window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! King: SHUT UP!! (to Launcelot) You only killed the bride's father, that's all!!! Launcelot: Well, I really didn't *mean* to.... King: Didn't MEAN to?!? You put your *sword* right through 'is 'ead!!! Launcelot: Oh, dear! Is he all right? King: You even kicked the bride in chest! This is going to cost me a fortune.... Launcelot: Well I can explain; I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot when I got this note, you see-- King: (abruptly) Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? Son: (outside window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Launcelot: Uh...I am a knight of King Arthur, Sir. King: Very nice Castle, Camelot, uh...very good pig country! (pause) Launcelot: Is it? Prince: Hurry, I'm *ready*!!! King: Would you, uh, like to come 'n' have a drink? <goes to window, draws dagger> Launcelot: Well, that--that's awfully nice of you-- Prince: (from outside) I am ready!! Launcelot: --I mean, to be so understanding, um-- <The King cuts the blanket-rope, which slithers out the window> Prince: Ooh! Launcelot: --I'm afraid when I am in this sort of idiom, I sometimes get a bit , um, sort of carried away.... King: Oh, don't worry about that-- <they leave the room> Prince: (splat) Sir Launcelot and the king are going down the stairs. King: Now, this is the main hall. (gesturing) We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living-- One of the remaining guests looks up and, upon recognizing Launcelot as the one who caused all the damage, shouts, "There he is!" King: Oh, bloody 'ell. Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again, accompanied by the appropriate fighting music and action. Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King brings things back to order. King: Stop! Stop! Hold it, hold it, please! Launcelot: (very embarrassed) Sorry. Sorry! You see what I mean, I just get carried away, I'm really most awfully sorry. (to all) Sorry! Sorry, everyone.... Guest: 'E's killed the best man! King: Ladies and gentlemen. This is Sir Launcelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. Guest: He killed my auntie! King: Please! This is supposed to be a...*happy* occasion! Let's not *bicker* and *argue* about 'oo killed 'oo! We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of a holy wedlock. (groans) Unfortunately, one of them, my son 'Erbert has just fallen to 'is death. (gasps) But, I like to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter. (weak applause) For, since the tragic death of her father... Voice: He's not quite dead.... King: (thrown) Since the near-fatal *wounding* of 'er father.... Voice: 'E's getting better! King: <whispers to a guard, who circles towards the back of the room, where the father lies> For, since her own father, who, when 'e seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (thump) Voice: He's died!! King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own Dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense. (more weak applause) And I feel sure that the merger--er, the *union*,--between the princess and the brave but *dangerous* Sir Launcelot of Camelot-- Launcelot: <taken aback> What? Someone: Look! The Dead Prince! (general reaction) Concorde: <entering with the Prince in his arms> He's not *quite* dead! Prince: No, I feel much better! King: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!!! Prince: No, I was saved at the last minute. King: 'Ow? Prince: Well, I'll tell you: <music starts> King: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! STOP!<but it is too late> Guests: He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! Concorde: <suddenly appearing out of the crowd> Quickly, sir, come this way! Launcelot: No, no! It doesn't fit my idiom! I must escape more........ (sigh) Concorde: Dramatically, sir? Launcelot: Dramatically! <grabs bell pull> Runs up stairs. Jumps in the air. Swings down towards the window. Falls about twelve feet short, having not given himself a very good start. Swings back and forth for a short time.> 'Scuse me, could, uh, could someone give me a push, please? **** Continued in the middle of NI PYTHON, file #11 from the film **** **** The Knights Who Say "Ni!" **** **** Transcript #11 from the film; **** **** Continued from ANTHRAX PYTHON. **** Voice over from the album: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Arthur: Who are you? Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"! Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"! Knight of Ni: The same. Other Knight of Ni: Who are we? Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm! Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm! Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice! Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No! Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" again to you... if you do not appease us. Arthur: Well what is it you want? Knight of Ni: We want..... (pregnant pause) A SHRUBBERY!!!! (minor music) Arthur: A *WHAT*? Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni! Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never pass through this wood... alive. Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: One that looks nice. Arthur: Of course! Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive. Arthur: Yes! Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO! (a brief glimpse of the now-dead historian, with his wife talking to two policemen and pointing the way that the knight went) (screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, interrupted by the animation sketch "Bloody Weather") (screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, this time followed by the Tale of Sir Launcelot ( see SWAMP PYTHON, transcript #12 from the film ) Scene: Arthur and Bedevere, in a nearby village, where an old crone is beating a cat. They stop and talk to her. Arthur: Old Crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a *shrubbery*? (minor music) Old Crone: Who sent you? Arthur: The Knights Who Say "Ni!". Old Crone: Aaaugh! No. Never, we have no shrubberies here. Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I... will say... we will say... "Ni!". Old Crone: Aaaugh! Do your worst! Arthur: VERY WELL! If you will not assist us voluntarily..... (he and Bedevere look around to see if anyone is looking) Ni! Old Crone: (in pain) No! Never! No shrubbery!! Arthur: Ni! Bedevere: Noo! Noo-- Arthur: (to Bedevere) No no no no, no, it's not that, it's "Ni!" Bedevere: Nu! Arthur: No no, "Ni!"; you're not doing it properly. Bedevere: Nuh! Arthur: "Ni!" Bedevere: Ni! Arthur: "Ni!" That's it, that's it, you've got it. Bedevere: Ni! Arthur and Bedevere, repeatedly: Ni! Ni! (the old crone writhes in pain) Roger rides up on a *real* horse and looks down at Arthur and Bedevere. Rober: Are you saying "Ni!" to that old woman? Arthur (caught in the act) Ummmm.... yes. Rober: Oh, what sad times are there when passing ruffians can say "Ni!" at will to old ladies! There is a pestilence in this land! Nothing is sacred! Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history! Arthur: Did you say "shrubberies"? Roger: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. Bedevere: (to Roger) Ni! Arthur: (to Bedevere) No! No no no, no! (scene change: Arthur and Bedevere standing in front of a low shrubbery, surrounded by a 1-foot-high picket fence. The Knights of Ni are examining the shrubbery.) Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? Knight of Ni: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem. Arthur: What is that? Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"! Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh! Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm". Other Knight of Ni: Ni! Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test. Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of..... Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"? Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find.... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!! (minor music) Arthur: Not *another* shrubbery!! Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni! Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING! (minor music) Arthur: We shall do no such thing! Knight of Ni: Oh, please! Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done! Knights of Ni: AAugh! AAAAAH! Oww!! (writhe in pain) Knight of Ni: Don't say that word! Arthur: What word? Knight of Ni: I cannot tell; suffice to say, it is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear! Arthur: How we *not* say the word if you don't tell us what it is?! (Knights of Ni are in pain again) Knight of Ni: Ahhhh! 'E said it again! Arthur: What, "is"? Knight of Ni: No, not "is"! You wouldn't get very far in life not saying "is"! Bedevere: My liege! It's Sir Robin! Sir Robin and his minstrels "ride" up. Minstrels: Sing: He's shacking it in, and packing it up, and sneaking away, and buggering up, And chickening out, and pissing a pole... Arthur: Sir Robin! Sir Robin: My liege! It's good to see you! Knight of Ni: Now *'e* said the word! Arthur: Surely you've not given up the quest for the Holy Grail! Minstrels, by way of answering: He's sneaking away, and buggering up, Robin: Shut Up! No no, no, far from it! Knight of Ni: 'E said the word again! Robin: ...I was...looking for it... Knights of Ni: AAAAAAAuugh! Robin: uh, here--here in this...forest. Arthur: No, it is far from this place. Knight of Ni: Aaaaaaugh! Stop saying the word!!!! Arthur: (getting really annoyed with the Knights of Ni) OH, STOP IT!! Knight of Ni: Ow! He said it again! Arthur: Patsy! (motions all of his party to move on) Knight of Ni: Wait! I said it! I said it! Oh! I've said it again! And there again...that's three hits! Arthur, Bedevere, and Sir Robin ride off with the minstrels and Patsy. Voice over, with animation: And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot, and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels, and there was much rejoicing. A year passed. Winter changed into spring; Spring changed into summer; Summer changed back into winter; And winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn. Until one day. (we skip the "tim the enchanter" scene and...) **** continue in GRENADE PYTHON, file #12 in the film **** **** The French Castle Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants, "ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn. Arthur: HELLO! (waits) Bedevere: HELLO! (waits) An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart. It speaks in an outrageous French accent. Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it? Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard. A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see? A: What? Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one! A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one? S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs. (to the other soldiers:) I told 'em we've already *got* one! (they snicker) A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look? S: Of course not! You are English types. A: Well, what are you then? S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly king?! A: What are you doing in *England*? S: Mind your own business! A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!! (the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his tongue at the knights, making strange noises.) Lancelot: What a strange person. A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma-- S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to? S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time! +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |Note: the Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python | |and the Holy Grail cuts here, returning to transcript in transcript #8A, | |STORY PYTHON. The rest of this transcript does not appear on the Album. | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ (pause) A: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable.... S: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart) Fetchez la vache. Other Soldier: qua? S: Fetchez la vache! (the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises) A: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall-- (Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart... A: Jesus Christ! (...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various crying-outs from Arthur's party.) A: (determined) Right! (drawing sword) CHARGE! Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE! (As they run towards the French Castle, swords drawn, they are met by a huge onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the ramparts of the castle. Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching the castle walls, save Launcelot, who reaches the stone wall in time to give it one stroke with his sword before retreating.) French Soldier: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your mother ! (and a duck) And this one's for your gran! Arthur's party: (hastily retreating) Run away!