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Text File | 1994-11-28 | 59.9 KB | 1,902 lines

Blondinen bevorzugt! Eine Sammlung lauter Nettigkeiten ueber blonde Wesen (c) copyright dieser Zusammenfassung: x*net koordination "Denk mal `drueber nach!" "Ich muss nicht denken! Ich bin blond!" Gehen zwei Blondinen durch den Wald, ploetzlich sagt die eine: Oh",schau mal eine Rehfaehrte". "Nein nein" sagt die andere, "das ist eindeutig eine Wolfsfaehrte". So folgen sie diskutierend der Spur.... Eine halbe Stunde spaeter wurden sie beide vom Zug ueberfahren... .............. Ein Polizist stoppt eine blonde Frau, die einfach etwas zu schnell gefahren ist. Polizist: "Entschuldigung, duerfte ich Ihren Fuehrschein sehen?" Blondine: "Fuehrerschein? Was ist das nochmal?" Polizist: "Dieses rosa Papier mit Ihrem Bild `drauf..." Blondine: "Achso, ja... hier, bitte..." Polizist: "Gut, in Ordnung. Duerfte ich bitte noch Ihren Fahrzeugschein sehen?" Blodine: "Huh?" Polizist: "Dieser Schein, auf dem steht, dass dies hier Ihr Auto ist!" Blondine: "[Pause]... Ach, ja, hier, vielleicht das hier?" Naja, denkt sich der Polizist, mit diesem Huehnchen koennte ich etwas Spass haben. Schwupps, oeffnet er seinen Hosenschlitz und holt seinen Schwanz `raus. Da ruft die Blondine genervt: "Oh, bitte nicht schon wieder ein Alkoholtest!" .............. Ein Ehepaar - beide sind blond - streiten sich ueber das liebe Geld. Er: Also, wenn Du endlich buegeln lernen wuerdest, koennten wir uns das Geld fuer die Managelei sparen! Sie: Und wenn Du endlich lernen wuerdest, mich richtig zu ficken, dann koennten wir auch den Gaertner entlassen! .............. Eine Blondine und eine Bruenette unterhalten sich ueber Ihre Freunde. Bruenette: Letzte Nacht hatte ich *drei* Orgasmen hintereinander! Blondine: Das ist nichts! Ich hatte hatte letzte Nacht ueber hundert! Bruenette: Wow! Wie hat das Dein Typ nur geschafft? Blondine: (schockiert) Oh! Du meinst: mit einem Mann? .............. Neulich in der Innenstadt, da waren dort zwei Blondinen, die verzweifelt versuchten, Ihren Mercedes mit einem Kleiderbuegel zu oeffnen. #1 "Ich krieg' die Tuer einfach nicht auf!" #2 "Beeil' Dich lieber mal, es sieht nach Regen aus, und das Verdeck ist offen" .............. Frage: Wie lautet der Paarungsruf einer Blondine? Antwort: Ich bin sooooo betrunken! .............. Frage: Und wie ist der Paarungsruf einer haesslichen Blondine? Antwort: [ENERGISCH] Ich sagte, ich bin betrunken! .............. Frage: Wie lautet der Paarungsruf einer Rothaarigen? Antwort: Der naechste! .............. Frage: Wie lautet der Paarungsruf einer Bruenetten? Antwort: Die Blondinen sind weg! .............. Frage: Warum tragen Blondinen Schluepfer? Antwort: Um die Knoechel warm zu halten! .............. Frage: Warum arbeiten Blondinen auch am Wochenende? Antwort: Damit man sie am Montag nicht neu anlernen muss! .............. Frage: Was essen blonde Jungfrauen? Antwort: Alete, was sonst? .............. Frage: Was sagt eine Blondine, wenn sie einen Porno sieht? Antwort: Das bin ja ICH! .............. Frage: Wie holst Du eine einarmige Blondine von einem Baum herunter? Antwort: Wink' Ihr zu! .............. Frage: Wie stirbt eine Hirnzelle einer Blondine? Antwort: Alleine .............. Frage: Was ist eine Blondine mit 2 Hirnzellen? Antwort: Schwanger .............. Frage: Wie macht man eine Hirnwaesche bei einer Blondine? Antwort: Duschen und umdrehen .............. Frage: Was hat eine dunkel gefaerbte Blondine? Antwort: Kuenstliche Intelligenz .............. Frage: Was sagt der rechte Oberschenkel einer Blondine zum linken? Antwort: Nichts, sie begegnen sich nie .............. Frage: Warum waescht eine Blondine ihr Haar im Waschbecken? Antwort: Weil man dort das Gemuese waescht .............. Frage: Wann stecken Blondinen ihr Haar auf? Antwort: Wenn sie soviel wie moeglich einfangen wollen, was ueber ihrem Kopf ist. .............. Frage: Warum ist es guenstig, eine blonde Beifahrerin zu haben? Antwort: Man kann die Behindertenparkplaetze benutzen .............. Frage: Warum ist ein Blondine wie eine Schildkroete? Antwort: Sie sind beide gefickt, wenn sie auf dem Ruecken liegen. .............. Frage: Wie kann man die Augen einer Blondine aufleuchten lassen? Antwort: Durch eine Taschenlampe an ihrem Ohr .............. Frage: Wie bringt man eine Blondine zum blinzeln? Antwort: Die Taschenlampe ein und ausschalten .............. Frage: Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einer Blondine und einem Computer? Antwort: Ein Computer braucht den Input nur einmal .............. Frage: Was denkt eine Blondine von einem neuen Computer? Antwort: Sie mag ihn nicht, weil sie RTL nicht findet .............. Frage: Warum benutzen Blondinen Schulterpads im Pullover? Antwort: Um den Kopf ablegen zu koennen .............. Frage: Wie killt man eine Blondine? Antwort: Naegel in die Schulterpads stecken .............. Frage: Wie machen sich Blondinen Loecher fuer Ohrringe? Antwort: Sie stecken Reisszwecken in die Schulterpads .............. Frage: Warum essen Blondinen keine Bananen? Antwort: Sie finden den Reissverschluss nicht .............. Frage: Warum benutzen Blondinen gruenen Lippenstift? Antwort: Weil rot "Stop" bedeutet .............. Frage: Was bedeutet es, wenn eine Blondine roten Lippenstift benutzt? Antwort: "Stop", falsches Loch! .............. Frage: Woran erkennt man, das eine Blondine im Kuehlschrank gesessen hat? Antwort: Am Lippenstift auf den Gurken .............. Frage: Warum fahren Blondinen BMW? Antwort: Weil sie es buchstabieren koennen .............. Frage: Warum sind Blondinen so interessiert an AIDS? Antwort: Weil sie es auch buchstabieren koennen .............. Frage: Was ist eine Bruenette neben einer Blondine? Antwort: Eine Souffleuse .............. Frage: Was ist eine Blondine zwischen zwei Bruenetten? Antwort: Ein mentaler Block .............. Frage: Wie kann man die Meinung einer Blondine aendern? Antwort: Entweder ins Ohr blasen oder ein neues Bier bestellen .............. Frage: Was sagt man zu einer Blondine, die noch nicht will? Antwort: "Nimm' noch `n Bier" .............. Frage: Wie mag die Blondine ihre Fruehstueckseier? Antwort: Befruchtet .............. Frage: Und wie mag sie ihre eigenen? Antwort: Unbefruchtet .............. Frage: Wie schalten die Blondinen nach dem Sex das Licht an? Antwort: Sie oeffnen die Fahrzeugtuer .............. Frage: Warum moegen Blondinen Schiebedaecher am Auto? Antwort: Mehr Beinfreiheit .............. Frage: Was sagt ein Blondine nach dem Sex? Antwort: "Seid ihr Jungs alle in der gleichen Fussballmannschaft?" .............. Frage: Warum ist eine Blondine wie ein Tuerknopf? Antwort: Weil auch ihn jeder rumdrehen kann .............. Frage: Warum ist ein Blondine wie eine Eisenbahnschiene? Antwort: Weil sie auch ueberall im Land liegt .............. Frage: Was ist eine wichtige Frage einer Blondine an den Liebhaber, ehe sie anfaengt? Antwort: "Pro Stunde oder fuer den ganzen Abend?" .............. Frage: Warum haben Blondinen Probleme, den Orgasmus zu erreichen? Antwort: Wen kuemmert's ? .............. Frage: Welchen Sinn hat der Orgasmus ueberhaupt fuer ein Blondine? Antwort: Damit sie weiss, wann sie aufhoeren soll .............. Frage: Wie merkt man, dass eine Blondine ihn erreicht hat? Antwort: Der naechste in der Schlange tippt ihr auf die Schulter .............. Frage: Was sagt eine Blondine, wenn man ihr ins Ohr blaest? Antwort: Danke, fuers nachladen! .............. Frage: Was ist das, wenn eine Blondine der anderen ins Ohr blaest? Antwort: Datentransfer .............. Frage: Woran erkennt man, welche Blondine die Kellnerin ist? Antwort: Es ist die mit dem Tampon hinter dem Ohr auf der Suche nach ihrem Stift .............. Frage: Warum haben Blondinen mehr Spass? Antwort: Weil sie es nicht besser wissen .............. Frage: Wie versuchte eine Blondine eine Gluehbirne einzuschrauben? Antwort: Sie haelt die Birne in die Fassung und wartet darauf, dass sich die ganze Welt um sie dreht .............. Frage: Was ist ein Basement voller Blondinen? Antwort: Ein Bierkeller .............. Frage: Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einer Blondine und einem Intercity? Antwort: Nicht jeder war schon mal im Intercity (Ferarri/747/...)! .............. Frage: Was sagt eine Blondine wenn der Arzt ihr mitteilt, dass sie schwanger ist? Antwort: "Sind sie sicher, dass es meins ist?" .............. Frage: Was sind 10 Blondinen, die Ohr an Ohr stehen? Antwort: Ein Windkanal .............. Frage: Wer schnappt sich zuerst den Hundertmarkschein, der auf der Strasse liegt: Der Nikolaus, eine kluge Blondine oder eine dumme Blondine? Anwort: Keiner. Es gibt weder den Nikolaus noch eine kluge Blondine und die Dumme denkt, es waere ein breitgetretener Kaugummi .............. Frage: Was macht man, wenn eine Blondine eine Handgranate nach einem wirft? Antwort: Man zieht den Ring und wirft sie zurueck .............. Frage: Warum nehmen Blondinen die Pille? Antwort: Auf diese Weise wissen sie, welcher Wochentag gerade ist. .............. Frage: Wenn eine Blondine und eine Bruenette vom Balkon stuerzen, wer kommt zuerst unten an? Antwort: Die Bruenette, da die Blondine unterwegs nach der Richtung fragen muss .............. Frage: Wie sterben die Gehirnzellen einer Blondine? Antwort: Allein. .............. Frage: Wie bringt man eine Blondine zum heiraten? Antwort: Sag ihr sie ist schwanger! Frage: Was wird sie dich fragen? Antwort: Ist es von mir? .............. Frage: Wie bekommt man eine einarmige Blondine vom Baum runter? Antwort: Winken! .............. Und der jetzt zur Versoehnung: Eine Blondine erzaehlt einem Priester einen Polenwitz, dieser unterbricht sie nach der Haelfte des Witzes: "Sie wissen wohl nicht dass ich Pole bin?" Darauf die Blondine: "Oh Entschuldigung, soll ich von vorn anfangen und diesmal langsamer sprechen?" [Ab hier es weiter mit englischen Blondinen-Witzen] After three blondes attempt to change a light bulb. One of them calls 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. .............. Question: What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? Answer: He wanted to know who the other man was. .............. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered a few drinks. Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender: "What is a B and C?" Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7." .............. Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes: 1) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed. 2) Do you want to see something swell? 3) What do you like for breakfast? 4) Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 5) Say, didnt we go to different schools together? 6) Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. 7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. 8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 10) You smell wet. Lets party! 11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me? 12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? Thought you knew! 13) You have the ass of a great artist. Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde 1) I just threw up! 2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit. 3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in? 4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. 5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good. 6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress! 7) Your face or mine? 8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it? 9) I want to floss with your pubic hair. 10) I'd look good on you. 11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet? 12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Answer: Gifted! .............. Question: How do blonde braincells die ? Answer: Alone. .............. Question: How do you brainwash a blonde? Answer: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. .............. Question: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brown? Answer: Artificial intelligence. .............. Question: How does a blonde part her hair? Answer: Spreads her legs apart. .............. Question: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Answer: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! .............. Question: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment? Answer: An IN-body experience! .............. Question: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? Answer: After a hair bleach job. .............. Question: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? Answer: She'd just dyed her hair. .............. Question: Why do blondes wear so much hair spray? Answer: To catch whatever goes over their heads. .............. Question: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? Answer: You can park in the handicap zone. .............. Question: Why is a blonde like a turtle? Answer: They are both fucked when they're on their backs. .............. Question: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Answer: Humpme Dumpme. .............. Question: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Answer: Shine a flashlight in their ear. .............. Question: Why aren't blondes given coffee breaks? Answer: It takes too long to retrain them. .............. Question: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? Answer: There's white-out on the screen. Question: Why did she use white-out? Answer: She couldn't find an eraser. Question: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? Answer: There's writing on the white-out. .............. Question: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? Answer: By the belt buckle print on her forehead. Question: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? Answer: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead! .............. Question: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? Answer: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. .............. Question: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) Answer: 'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?" .............. Question: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? Answer: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. .............. Question: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? Answer: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Question: How do you kill a blonde? Answer: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. Question: How do blondes pierce their ears? Answer: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her head? Answer: All you can eat, under a buck. .............. Question: Why don't blondes eat pickles? Answer: Because they can't get their head in the jar. Question: Why don't blondes eat bananas? Answer: They can't find the zipper. .............. Question: What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men? Answer: Her ankles. Question: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? Answer: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. Question: Why do blondes wear underwear? Answer: It makes good ankle warmers. .............. Question: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Answer: Because red means stop. Question: Why do some blondes wear red lipstick? Answer: Because red can mean "Stop, wrong hole." .............. Question: How did the blonde chip her tooth? Answer: On her vibrator. .............. Question: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? Answer: Cause their balls show! .............. Question: What do blondes do for foreplay? Answer: Remove their underwear. .............. Question: How does the blonde car pool work? Answer: They all meet at work at 7:45. .............. Question: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST - Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) Answer: Because they can spell it. Question: What is 74 to a blonde? Answer: 69 plus G.S.T. .............. Question: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Answer: Toes Go In First. Question: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirts? Answer: Tits Go In Front. .............. Question: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? Answer: "Have another beer." .............. Question: What do blondes do with their assholes in the morning? Answer: Pack their lunch and send them to work. .............. Question: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Answer 1: She introduces herself. Anwser 2: She walks home. .............. Question: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? Answer: A thought. .............. Question: Why did the blonde fail drivers' education? Answer: She couldn't get used to the front seat. .............. Question: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ? Answer: Kick open the car door. .............. Question: Why do blondes like tilt steering? Answer: More head room. .............. Question: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? Answer: More leg room. .............. Question: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH? Answer: A blonde driving through a flashing red light. Question: What does a blonde say when you ask if her blinker is on? Answer: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. Question: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? Answer: To turn the blinker off. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? Answer: An Air Bag. Question: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after blondes drive a car? Answer: Cause they like to blow the horn. .............. Question: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? Answer: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. .............. Question: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? Answer: Bucket seats. .............. Question: What do Blondes say after sex? Answer: Thanks Guys. So, are you guys all on the same team? .............. Question: Why is a blonde like a door knob? Answer: 'Cause everybody gets a turn. .............. Question: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? Answer: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country. .............. Question: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? Answer: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? .............. Question: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? Answer: Who cares? .............. Question: Why do blondes have orgasms? Answer: So they know when to stop having sex! .............. Question: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? Answer 1: She drops her nail file! Answer 2: Who cares? Answer 3: She says, "Next." Answer 4: The next person in the line taps you on the shoulder. Answer 5: The guy has had his clothes for about 2 minutes. Answer 6: The batteries have run out. .............. Question: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? Answer: "Thanks for the refill!" Question: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Answer: Data transfer. .............. Question: Why do blondes have more fun? Answer: Because they don't know any better. .............. Question: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer 1: "What's a lightbulb?" Answer 2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Answer 3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" .............. Question: What's a blonde's favourite wine? Answer: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" .............. Question: What do a bleach blonde and a 747 have in common? Answer 1: They both have black boxes. Answer 2: Both have a cockpit. Question: What is the difference between a blonde and a Lamborghini? Answer: Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini. .............. Question: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room? Answer: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small. .............. Question: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Answer: "Are you sure it's mine?" .............. Question: How do you get a blonde pregnant? Answer: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. .............. Question: How do you get a blonde to marry you? Answer: Tell her she's pregnant. Question: What will she ask you? Answer: "Is it mine?" .............. Question: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? Answer: To see what was on the other side. .............. Question: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Answer: Pull out the pin and throw it back. .............. Question: Why do Blondes take the pill? Answer: So they know what day of the week it is. Question: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Answer: It didn't do any good because it kept falling out. Question: But why do brunettes take the pill ? Answer: Wishful Thinking. .............. Question: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? Answer: Because her boyfriend was also blond! Question: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who will hit the ground first? Answer: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. .............. Question: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Answer: Her IQ goes up! .............. Question: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? Answer: You don't lend the Porsche out, not even to your friend. .............. Question: What is the difference between cold butter and a blonde? Answer: Cold butter is difficult to spread. .............. Question: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? Answer 1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. Answer 2: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. Answer 3: You can't fit a blonde in a bowling ball. .............. Question: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? Answer: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". .............. Question: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? Answer: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? Answer 1: It costs 20 cents to use a telephone. Answer 2: A blonde is easier to pick up. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blonde guy? Answer: The blonde girl has a higher sperm count. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? Answer: A blonde can be rented more than once a day. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? Answer: One's a bunch a cunning runts. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal? Answer: One's a busy ditch. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? Answer: You don't let your best friend use your toothbrush. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? Answer: Your job still sucks after 6 months. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist. .............. Question: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? Answer: The shopping cart has a mind of its own! .............. Question: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? Answer: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. .............. Question: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? Answer: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." .............. Question: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? Answer: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. .............. Question: What do blondes and cow patties have in common ? Answer: They both get easier to pick-up with age. .............. Question: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? Answer: The more you bang them the looser they get. .............. Question: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? Answer: They're both empty from the neck up. .............. Question: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? Answer: They both wiggle when you eat them. .............. Question: What do bleach blondes and black men have in common? Answer: They both have black roots. .............. Question: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ? Answer: Put either of them in a car and they're fucked. .............. Question: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? Answer: So she could lip read. .............. Question: How do you drown a blonde? Answer 1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Answer 2: Don't tell her to swallow. .............. Question: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of a pool? Answer: Air bubbles. .............. Question: What do you call them if they get real close together? Answer: An air pocket. .............. Question: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool? Answer: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. .............. Question: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? Answer 1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms. Answer 2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. .............. Question: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? Answer: Proofreading. .............. Question: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? Answer: For throwing out the E's and W's. .............. Question: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? Answer: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. .............. Question: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date. Answer: If you're not in bed by 10, come home. .............. Question: What's the Blonde cheer? Answer: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N........ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." .............. Question: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Answer: Because it says right on them, "Good for up to 20 pounds." .............. Question: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? Answer: She kept having affairs with men! .............. Question: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? Answer: She threw it off a cliff. .............. Question: How does a blonde kill a fish? Answer: She drowns it. .............. Question: Why did the blonde get excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Answer: Because on the box it said, "From 2-4 years." .............. Question: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Answer: "Nice tits!" .............. Question: How does a blonde do a high-5? Answer: She smacks herself in the forehead. .............. Question: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Answer: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper. .............. Question: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? Answer: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. .............. Question: Why do blondes have legs? Answer 1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. Answer 2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. Answer 3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails. .............. Question: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? Answer: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking is only a television. Question: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? Answer: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. .............. Question: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? Answer: Flattered. .............. Question: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? Answer: They forget the 11 in 9-1-1. .............. Question: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? Answer: "No, but I've been swung around by the tits before." .............. Question: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? Answer: An interpreter. Question: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? Answer: A mental block. Question: What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side? Answer: A wind tunnel. Question: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? Answer: A dope ring. .............. Question: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head? Answer: Sweet Fuck All... .............. Question: Why do some blondes have square breasts? Answer: Because they forget to take the tissues out of the box. .............. Question: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Answer: Frosted Flakes. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Answer: Last year's hide-and-seek champ. .............. Question: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? Answer: A Space Invader. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Answer: Branch Manager. .............. Question: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? Answer: She fell out of the tree. .............. Question: What do you call a smart blond? Answer: A labrador retriever. .............. Question: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? Answer: A 69 interrupted by a period. .............. Question: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? Answer: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!" .............. Question: Why do blondes have ten more brain cells than a cows? Answer: So they don't piss all over when you pull their tits. .............. Question: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? Answer: Because the can't even keep two calves together! .............. Question: Why don't blonds breast feed? Answer: Because they always burn their nipples warming up the milk. .............. Question: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? Answer: To cover up the valve stem. .............. Question: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Answer: Spot. .............. Question: What's a blonds' favourite rock group? Answer: Air Supply. .............. Question: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? Answer: The back of her head. .............. Question: Why do blondes drive VW's? Answer: Because they can't spell Porsche! .............. Question: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? Answer: Tell her a joke on Friday! .............. Question: Why did God create blondes? Answer: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. .............. Question: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? Answer: So when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. .............. Question: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? Answer: A blonde electrician. .............. Question: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? Answer: So brunettes can remember them. Answer: blondes are so Shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit. .............. Question: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? Answer: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! .............. Question: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? Answer: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. .............. Question: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? Answer: They always forget the recipe. .............. Question: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the aisle for marriage? Answer: She realized she had given her last blowjob. .............. Question: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie?" Answer: She liked to be filled with cream. .............. Question: What did the blonde do when she got her period? Answer: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her? .............. Question: Why do blondes have periods? Answer: They deserve them. .............. Question: What did the blonde say to the physicist? Answer: "Why, I just *love* nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" .............. Question: Why are blondes like cornflakes? Answer: Because they're simple, easy, and they taste *so* good. .............. Question: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? Answer: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Question: How do you drive a blonde crazy? Answer: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them. .............. Question: How does a blonde hold her liquor? Answer: By the ears. .............. Question: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Answer: Change. .............. Question: How does a blonde moonwalk? Answer: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! .............. Question: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? Answer: Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them! .............. Question: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Answer: Nothing. You can only force a gorilla to do so much. .............. Question: Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do anything for a fur coat? Answer: Well, now she can't button it. .............. Question: Did you hear about the blonde who had an apendix operation? Answer: Well, now she is making money on the side. .............. Question: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water? Answer: She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC. .............. Question: What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming? Answer: She took their dicks out of her mouth. .............. Question: Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach? Answer: She's afraid to get sand in her Busch. .............. Question: What did the blonde get on her IQ test? Answer: Nail polish. .............. Question: How do you measure a blonde's IQ? Answer: With a tire gauge. .............. Question: How fast can a blonde drive? Answer: 68 M.P.H. At 69 she blows a rod. .............. Question: How do you get a blonde on the roof? Answer: Say drinks are on the house. .............. Question: Why do blondes wear tight skirts? Answer: To keep their legs together. .............. Question: What is every blonde's ambition in life? Answer: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. .............. Question: How did the blonde die while drinking milk? Answer: The cow fell on her. .............. Question: Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Answer: They can't get the little bottles into the typewriter. .............. Question: What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch? Answer: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes. .............. Question: What did the blonde do when she was told that there was a dead bird nearby? Answer: She looked up and said, "Where?" .............. Question: What is a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air? Answer: She's collecting her thoughts? .............. Question: Why was the single blonde mother angry when she was told that her child was illegitimate? Answer: She knew that the kid could read just as good as her! .............. Question: What did the blonde yell in an emergency? Answer: "What's the number of 911?" .............. Question: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Answer: Pull out the pin and throw it back. .............. Question: What happened when the blonde tried to blow up her husband's car? Answer: She burned her lips. .............. Question: Why did the blonde get very depressed when she looked at her driver's license? Answer: She saw that she had an 'F' in sex. .............. Question: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? Answer: To see what was on the other side. .............. Question: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? Answer: They can't fit all that water into the package. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde with a high IQ? Answer: A golden retriever. .............. Question: Why to blondes wear ponytails? Answer: To hide the valve stem. .............. Question: Why don't you let blondes take coffee breaks? Answer: It takes too long to retrain them. .............. Question: How do you keep a blonde secretary busy all day? Answer: Give her a bag of M&Ms to alphabetize. .............. Question: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? Answer: She has a checkbook. .............. Question: What did the blonde say when she went to check if her turn signal was working? Answer: "Yes it is. No it isn't. Yes it is. No it isn't" .............. Question: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? Answer: She gets the Pop-Tarts out of the toaster in one piece. .............. Question: Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in Answer: They went to see "Closed For The Season." .............. Question: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? Answer: <visual> Smile sweetly and rapidly bounce your head between your left and your right shoulders. .............. Question: Why do blondes have dimpled chins and flat foreheads? Answer: <visual> Bring forefinger of right or left hand up to your chin. Press forefinger against chin while casting eyes upward. Hold for a beat. Remove hand from chin and slap forehead. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde with combined SATs of 450? Answer: An overachiever. .............. Question: How can you tell that your yard was designed by a blonde landscaper? Answer: The bushes will be darker than everything else. .............. Question: What do you call a brunette prostitute standing on a corner with two redheaded prostitutes and a blonde? Answer: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, free. .............. Question: How does a blonde turn the light on after sex? Answer: She opens the car door. .............. Question: How can you tell when a blonde has stuffed her blouse with tissues? Answer: Easy, they usually forget and leave them in the box. .............. Question: What is a blonde's greatest fear? Answer: Coming back from a quick change in the ladies room and finding a tampon behind her ear and no pencil in her purse. .............. Question: Why do blondes often have bruised bellybuttons? Answer: Blonde boys aren't too smart either. .............. Question: Why is a blonde like a turtle? Answer: Once you get her on her back, she's screwed. .............. Question: Why did the blonde throw away her THIGHMASTER? Answer: After using it for a few weeks, she forgot her own strength, crossed her legs and snapped her boyfriend's back. .............. Question: Why do blondes wear hoop ear rings? Answer: To give them a place to rest their ankles. .............. Question: What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt? Answer: A brain tumor. .............. Question: What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? Answer: You can park in the handicapped zone. .............. Question: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? Answer: That's where you wash vegetables. .............. Question: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Answer: Five. One to stir the batter and four to skin the M&Ms. .............. Question: Why did the blonde cross the road? Answer: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom? .............. Question: What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men? Answer: Her feet. .............. Question: What do blondes and cow pies have in common? Answer: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. .............. Question: What do blondes and screen doors have in common? Answer: The harder you slam them, the looser they get. .............. Question: Why did the blonde buy a condominium? Answer: She wanted to practice safe sex. .............. Question: Why do blondes have a hard time passing their drivers' examinations? Answer: Every time the inspector tells them to park, they jump into the back seat. .............. Question: Why don't blondes make good cows? Answer: They can't keep their calves together. .............. Question: How many Blondes does it take to launch a ship. Answer: 1,000,001. 1 to hold the bottle of wine and a Million to bang the ship against it. .............. Question: Did you hear about the blond prostitute who didn't vote? Answer: She didn't care who got in. .............. Question: What do you call a blonde in leather jacket? Answer: A rebel without a clue! .............. Question: Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains? Answer: Her husband died. .............. Question: Why can't blondes fart? Answer: They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure. .............. Question: What does a blonde say in the morning? Answer: Who ARE you guys? .............. Question: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? Answer: They don't know the route. .............. Question: What do you see when you look deep into the eyes of a blonde? Answer: The back of her head. .............. A blonde was pregnant for the second time so she asked her husband if they needed to get married again. .............. A company in Phoenix is hiring only blondes to lighten its overhead. .............. A blonde went to California and saw a sign that said "Clean Restrooms Ahead." By the time she hit the coast, she had cleaned 68 of them. .............. Pediatrician to Blonde mother: You've really got to change the baby's diaper more often! Blonde mother: But, the box says up to 25 lb! .............. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked her how many pieces she wanted it sliced into, six or 12? "Six," she said, "I could never eat 12!" .............. A blonde and her boyfriend go to the drive-in. The action starts to get hot and heavy as they are ostensibly watching the movie. "Wanna get into the backseat?" asks the guy. "No, I'd rather stay up here in the front with you!" .............. Little, blonde, Kelley was having a very hard time with her 4th grade geography. Kelley's teacher told her parents to work with her on it. "Kelley," asks her dad, "What's the capital of Wyoming?" Kelley thinks a long while and finally replies, "Double U?" .............. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on an island. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimates about twenty miles to shore. So she announces, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swims out five miles and gets really tired. She swims out ten miles from the island, is too tired to go on, and drowns. The redhead says to herself, "I wonder if she made it? I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead has more endurance than the brunette, as she swims out ten miles before she even gets tired. After fifteen miles, she is too tired to go on, and drowns, too. So the blonde thinks to herself, "I wonder if they made it? I think I'd better try to make it, too." She swims out five, ten, fifteen, then nineteen miles from the island. The shore is just in sight when she says, "I'm too tired to go on!" and turns around to swim back. .............. This blonde and her boyfriend are sitting in a hot tub when the blonde asks her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?" .............. The blonde comes running downstairs, crying. Her mother asks what is wrong, and the blonde says her boyfriend has just dumped her. Her mother (also a blonde) nodds wisely and proceedes to tell her about the birds and the bees The blonde replies, "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook." .............. A dumb Blonde dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets to the Pearly Gates, she meets Saint Peter, who says, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she replies, but Saint Peter tells her not to worry. He'll make it easy for her. "Who was God's son?" asks Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thinks for a few minutes and answeres, "Andy!" "That's interesting. What made you say that?" asks Saint Peter. Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." .............. Having viewed the increasing wave of blonde bimbo bashing with something approaching alarm, part-time cosmetologist Bambi. Freen today announced the formation of the Blonde Anti-Defamation Kooperative {sic} in this small Upstate New York town today. In making the announcement, Ms. Freen observed that the current spate of blonde jokes was a greater burden upon blonde persons than the entire Jim Crow structure of the Post-Bellum South had been for 3rd century Druids. "Look," she said, " I am forced to meet with you press bozos when I could be attending to more important matters like world peace, dry skin and unsightly wrinkles or the sale on nail polish out at the Mall." The press conference, which had been scheduled to begin at noon, was delayed until 2:00 P.M. because Ms. Freen had inadvertently chosen a solid-colored turtle neck blouse for the occasion. Eye- witness reports indicate that, upon first putting it on, Ms. Freen became extremely confused by the fact that the front looked the same as the back. Apparently, Ms Freen spent a half-hour repeatedly putting on the blouse, looking in a mirror, removing the blouse, turning it 180 degrees and repeating the whole procedure. She is reported to have lamented the entire time: "How will I know which way I am going?" The remainder of the 90-minute delay passed as Bambi pondered just what had happened to the boob-stretched spots on the blouse each time it had been rotated. .............. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her. .............. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it is directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!" .............. A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving". .............. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? She got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of an encyclopedia. .............. A blonde works with a group of guys that is always teasing her about how dumb she is because she's blonde. One day, she gets an idea. At home, she picks up her child's geography book and learns the state capitals in order to impress the guys at work with how much she can learn so quickly. At work the next day, the guys start with the blonde jokes as usual, and the blonde jumps up in her defense. "I'm not dumb. I learned all the state's capitals lastnight. Go ahead, ask me one." One of the guys retorts, "Okay, what's the capital of Vermont?" The chick thinks a little, then finally replies, "V." .............. We have a Blonde where I work, who is so dumb she thinks Manual Labor is a Mexican. .............. Did you hear about the blond who had a hysterectomy so she'd stop having grandchildren? .............. Did you hear about the blond who was two hours late getting home because the escalator got stuck? .............. Did you hear about the blond who stayed up all night studying for her urine test? .............. Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass? .............. Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right side? She didn't know where to buy left guard. .............. Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband because he was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them. .............. Did you hear about the blonde who lost her mind? She worked in a whorehouse for 6 years and then found out the other girls got paid! .............. Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery store because she heard they had free delivery. .............. What's the worst blonde joke of all time? Dan Quayle. .............. Was ist noch bloeder als diese Sammlung Blondinen-Witze? Ich - wie ich hier stundenlang am PC sitze, um die Witze zusammenzustellen...