Amiga ISO Collection/AmigaDemoCD2.iso/ASCII/TEXTE/JOKES/GERMAN/DanBarret.txt/text0000.txt

Text File | 1994-10-28 | 254.3 KB | 5,861 lines

    There has been a lot of confusion recently about the A4000, the AGA
chipset, and interlaced (flickering) graphics.  Don't worry -- help is
here!  The whole issue is really VERY SIMPLE, so I've decided to explain it
all very simply, using very simple words, for all you very simple people.
Simple, simple, simple.  OK?  So pay attention, you morons.

    In the beginning, there was the original graphics chipset.  It
consisted of 3 chips, called Agnostic, Dense, and Polio.  Agnostic and Dense
handled the graphics.  Unfortunately, Agnostic was always doubting whether
or not it was doing the right thing, so it would occasionally get into
terrible arguments with Dense.  As a result, the video display would
"flicker" as the two chips fought it out.

    To help prevent this problem, two solutions appeared.  The first was
the MicroWay flickerFixer, a device that plugged into the A2000 video
expansion slot.  It eliminated flicker by sending huge, electronic
shockwaves into the custom chips, frying Agnostic and Dense until they were
forced to agree and produce a stable picture.  This method of causing pain
in electronic components is known as the "Hurt" system, and you will usually
see a "Hurts" rating in the specifications of any display hardware.  It is a
measure of the amount of pain required to force the hardware to do what you
want.  If the hardware is particularly nasty, it needs a pain rating way up
in the "Kill-Or-Hurt" range.  But I digress.

    The second solution was that Commodore introduced the Enhanced Chip
Set, or "ECS".  This new chipset improved upon the original in numerous
ways, including the ability to produce high-resolution, non-interlaced
graphics.  In order to do this, they had to ridicule the poor graphics
chips, calling them insulting names like "Fat Agnostic" and
"Only-Half-Bright Denise", until they agreed to work harder.

    Unfortunately, even Commodore's feared Department of Punishing
Custom Chips could not force the little ECS to produce the graphics that
some Amiga users were demanding.  So, it was time to create a whole new
chipset!  One that could display 8-bit graphics, an enhanced HAM mode, and
satisfy Amiga users everywhere!  YES!!  It's... THE AA CHIPSET!!!!

    [Excuse me?  Oh!  I'll tell them.]

    Um, the name is now officially the "AGA" (Advanced Graphic
Architecture) chipset.  Sorry about that!

    Anyway, the AGA chipset had the capabilities of... [What?  Oh....]
Sorry folks, but Commodore has just renamed the chipset again!  It is now
called the "RAGA" (Really Advanced Graphic Architecture) chipset.

    So where was I... oh yes.  The RAGA chipset... [What NOW?  Oh, you
are kidding me.]  Folks, you won't believe it, but Commodore has just
changed the name of the chipset.  The new and final name is the "AGAIN"
chipset (Advanced Graphic Architecture, Infinite Names), or "AGA" for
short.  I'm glad we finally have that clear.

    Well, by now, I don't remember at ALL what I was talking about,
so I'll switch topics to the Amiga 4000 and flickering graphics.  Here
is where the confusion lies.  Or maybe I should say, "Here is where we
find confusion and lies."  Here are some of the current rumors:

RUMOR                    IS IT TRUE?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The A4000 has no flicker fixer.        YES

The AGA chipset always "promotes" any
non-interlaced screen to interlaced
mode.                    MAYBE

The A4000 has no flicker fixer.        NO

Dave Haynie and Mike Sinz were found
in an Ethopian "love nest" with 35
rabid opossums and a jar of
mayonnaise.                E-MAIL [e-mail] FOR PHOTOS


But rumors, as the saying goes, are "just rumors."  Here are the VERY SIMPLE
FACTS about interlaced video on the Amiga 4000.  The following eleven steps
will explain the TRUTH and tell you how to combat ANY video problem on this
machine.

(1)    First of all, on the A4000, ALL video modes flicker.  Yes, ALL of
    them -- every single one.  Anybody who tells you otherwise is
    either lying or a total dweeb.

(2)    However, Commodore's system software "promotes" these modes to be
    non-interlaced, so you don't see the flickering.  Yay!!

(3)    Even so, a program can SPECIFICALLY ASK to flicker, by calling
    the new OS 3.0 PleaseFlicker() function.  This is the system
    friendly way to force an interlaced screen for video compatibility.

(4)    But the user can easily override the PleaseFlicker() function by
    using the IPrefs program and selecting the "Please Don't Flicker"
    gadget.

(5)    However, even if the user has used IPrefs to eliminate flicker,
    there still exists ANOTHER system function buried deep in the
    heart of the operating system.  It is called ReallyFlickerAnyway()
    and it LAUGHS at the user's puny attempts to deinterlace the screen.
    This function exists not for "video compatibility", but    simply to
    make life miserable for everyone.

    NOTE:  Developers should NEVER use the ReallyFlickerAnyway()
    function unless they ABSOLUTELY MUST or if they just feel like it.

(6)    Happily, users can STILL get around the deadly ReallyFlickerAnyway()
    function by running any of the 3,857,294 freely distributable
    anti-flicker programs, such as Marc Barrett's "FlickerSucks"
    utility.  These little programs "patch" the operating system to
    detect flickering screens and take an appropriate action.  For
    example, whenever Marc's program notices that a "bad" screen will
    be opened, it cleverly displays a gigantic requester complaining
    about the flicker. (Curiously, the program doesn't FIX the screen
    -- it just complains.)

    In any case, there are other utilities around if Marc's doesn't fit
    your needs.

(7)    Unfortunately, Marc has a split personality, and his evil twin
    wrote an awful program called "The_A4000_Is_A_Kludge", which
    defeats those nice flicker-fixing utilities mentioned in step (6).
    Oh no!!  And to make things worse, Marc somehow managed to get
    this program onto the A4000 Install disk so it automatically runs
    on every A4000 shipped!

    But don't panic -- just delete the program (it's in the WBStartup
    drawer) and your worries will go away.

(8)    But even now, some programs break the programming rules, bypass the
    Amiga operating system, and go straight to the hardware, stuffing
    values directly into the GR_FLKR register and causing the fatal
    flicker.  Once again, your little anti-flicker utilities can't help.

(9)    To solve the problem of these hardware-banging programs, simply buy
    a Commodore A2320 or other deinterlacer and install it in the A4000
    processor slot or joystick port or wherever the hell it goes.  Now,
    even those illegally-programmed games and demos will look wonderful.

(10)    However, some A4000 video modes have too many bitplanes to work with
    the A2320, so these can't be deinterlaced so easily.  Oh no!  Can
    anything be done about this??

(11)    Don't worry!  As stated above, Commodore's system software promotes
    these modes to be non-interlaced.  Go to step (2).

    So, there you have the complete information!  These steps should
explain EVERYTHING you need to know about the Amiga 4000 and flickering
screens.  If you have any further questions, please post them in alt.flicker
or rec.arts.birdpoop because you are obviously very stupid, and even I
can't help you.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.

Article 51180 of comp.sys.amiga:
Path: jhunix!barrett
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga
Subject: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program
Keywords: C, assembly, Elvis, prongs
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 7 Dec 90 17:18:14 GMT
Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF
Lines: 79


Some folks wrote about:
>Subject: Re: Assembler Programming - Costs versus Benefits
>Subject: Re:   Awesome! Now I am Pi**ed!
>Basically, writing a portable program blah blah blah...

    You people in comp.sys.amiga just don't know what you are TALKING
about!  It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you have EVER WRITTEN a
computer program.  If you want to see RAW SPEED in an Amiga game, you MUST
check out

        ****    B L A Z E M O N G E R    ****

THIS IS THE FASTEST AMIGA GAME EVER WRITTEN -- NOTHING ELSE EVEN COMES CLOSE!

    Tired of TURRICAN?  Is the BEAST a pussycat??  Does the KILLING
GAME SHOW play like RERUNS of HOME SHOPPING NETWORK???  GET A LIFE!!!!!
BLAZEMONGER animates at 200 FRAMES PER SECOND -- so blindingly FAST that you
need TWO MONITORS just to WATCH THE INTRO!!!

    Forget C!  Forget ASSEMBLER!  Forget all those SLOW, WIMPY
LANGUAGES!!  BLAZEMONGER is written in 100% CRAY YMP MACHINE CODE for the
ULTIMATE in SPEED!!!

    BLAZEMONGER goes DIRECTLY to the AMIGA HARDWARE for unmatched
performance.  While BLAZEMONGER is being played, warm boots (ctrl-A-A) have
ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT.  In fact, you literally CANNOT TURN OFF THE AMIGA
because BLAZEMONGER takes over the power switch!!  (How's THAT for a safety
feature??)  At the same time, BLAZEMONGER sends thousands of volts through
your power cable, SOLDERING IT TO THE WALL OUTLET, assuring that UNDER NO
CIRCUMSTANCES can you EVER accidentally stop this game.

    Copy protected?  You BET!!  BLAZEMONGER uses disk protection, dongle
protection, "look up the word in the manual" protection, "look up the word
in the DICTIONARY" protection (Webster's 4th edition), 40-number YALE
COMBINATION LOCK protection, and an impenetrable TEFLON COATING around the
entire disk!!!  And for your added safety, your high scores are written to
the super-protected MASTER DISK, so the pesky scores CANNOT ESCAPE and post
themselves to THOUSANDS OF BULLETIN BOARDS, bragging about their MAGNITUDE!

    Multitasking?  WHO NEEDS IT?!?  BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY FAST
that it takes LESS TIME to COLD BOOT on our custom OS than it does to SWITCH
SCREENS!!  In the time it takes you to run a stupid "clock" program in the
background, you can play FIVE FULL GAMES of BLAZEMONGER!!  YOU DON'T NEED
ANYTHING ELSE RUNNING!!!

    Playability?  NO CHANCE!!  The RAW SPEED of BLAZEMONGER is so WILDLY
INTENSE that nobody has EVER beaten this game.  You will literally feel WIND
AGAINST YOUR FACE as the images WHIP past your glazed eyes.  The average
player dies in FIFTEEN DIFFERENT WAYS before he can even PLUG IN THE
JOYSTICK!!!  The best-known high score is in the NEGATIVES!!!

    Speaking of joysticks... BLAZEMONGER supports 2-button joysticks,
3-button joysticks, 3-button mice, 6-button shirts, 24-button ELEVATOR
PANELS, and even 256-button TELEPHONE OPERATOR SWITCHBOARDS to give you
precise control over nearly ALL of the 1073 BRAIN-BLASTING ULTIMATE WEAPONS
available at ALL TIMES!!

    Does BLAZEMONGER have a 2-player mode?  GET REAL!!  BLAZEMONGER
supports NINE SIMULTANEOUS PLAYERS through the use of CUSTOM JOYSTICKS.
These little beauties can plug into the serial port, parallel port, SCSI
port, 2nd-disk-drive port, video port, coprocessor slot, RGB monitor port...
even the TWO AUDIO OUTPUTS!!  And you can add MORE PLAYERS by modem, FAX, or
GENLOCK!!

    So, you C and assembler wimps... go back to your stupid, lazy,
futile, high-level software engineering TRASH.  Go play "Monopoly" or
something.  There is only ONE TRUE GAME for the Amiga, and it is
BLAZEMONGER.  Only $9.95!  Look for it in your favorite Amiga software store
-- it's the package shaped like a plastic explosive wrapped around a lit
stick of dynamite.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////


Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: Sat, 08 Dec 90 12:04:35 EST
From: [e-mail]
To: David Tiberio <[e-mail]>
Subject: Re: The ONLY way to get RAW, UNBRIDLED SPEED in an Amiga program


>This Blazemonger game sounds really cool. Can nine people really play it
>at once?

    BLAZEMONGER can indeed be played by nine people at once.
Fortunately, this WIMPY LIMIT has been overcome in the soon-to-appear
"BLAZEMONGER II:  THE FINAL BEGINNING".  This sequel allows FOUR HUNDRED
simultaneous players, provided you have enough bathrooms.

>Where can I get it? I haven't seen it advertised in any magazines!

    BLAZEMONGER is not advertised in any of your WORTHLESS magazines.
Real gameplayers KNOW where to get it.

>:) I didn't know the audio ports can be INPUTS!

    They are, if you feed back enough VOLTS into 'em!!  The authors of
BLAZEMONGER are the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS.  They can get around ANY such
trivial details.  (In fact, they are now working on BLAZEMONGER hard-disk
installation for people who do not own hard disks.)

                            Dan

Copyright 1990 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 19 Feb 91 15:17:28 GMT
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: Blazemonger cheats
Keywords: BLAZEMONGER is part of this complete breakfast

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Mike Smithwick) writes:
>A friend of mine got killed in BLAZEMONGER before he even TURNED ON his
>machine.

    The next version will have an even MORE SOPHISTICATED algorithm; you
don't even have to OWN an Amiga to lose the game!!  BLAZEMONGER periodically
checks your bank account.  When it senses that you have enough money to BUY
an Amiga, it projects a big, flashing "GAME OVER" message on your wall.

>BTW, how do people get thru the copy-protection? I understand that you have
>to send the author $5.00 each time you want to play, and he'll call up
>your machine to enter the 32 digit keycode.

    This RUMOR is a VICIOUS LIE.  It is a thirty-*three* digit code.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////


Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: New BM (was Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???)
Keywords: BLAZEMONGER XIV coming soon!

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Raoul Rodriguez) writes:
>yea, where is the new copy of BLAZEMONGER anyway....

    BLAZEMONGER III will be ready Real Soon Now.  It features more
graphics, more speed, more sound, more speed, and more SPEED than ever
before.  And did I mention MORE SPEED?  The game is SO FAST that we
weren't even able to *write* "BLAZEMONGER II" -- it leaped off the disk
and into the upper atmosphere before we could catch it!!

>my copy (version .0009) gurued after I completed the first level, ....

    Your Amiga either has a hardware problem, or you are doing something
wrong.  BLAZEMONGER has no bugs.  I'll bet you are a pirate.

>40 seconds of pure excitement, and
>to top it all off, I can out with a POSITIVE score of 4!!!!!!  I think
>this is a new record, (call Guiness)....

    That is a TRIVIAL score.  I have seen TRUE game players get scores
of 5 or even 6 after ONLY a few hours of play.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: REAL inter-application communication [was Re: Clipboard etc]
Date: 15 Jun 91 21:12:35 GMT

    I am so glad that everybody is so concerned about clipboard support
these days.  In fact, thanks to your many insightful, polite, and unbiased
clipboard articles, one of your fellow USENETers has requested more
clipboard support in BLAZEMONGER.  You know, the usual stuff:  cutting out
levels from another game and importing them into BLAZEMONGER, pasting in
pages from actual books, etc.  This is an excellent idea.

    As I'm sure you know from previous postings, BLAZEMONGER is
one of the most friendly, well-behaved, totally Intuition-ized programs
in existence.  Bang on the hardware?  We wouldn't DREAM of it!  After all,
good behavior is more important than speed, right?

    [Pause....  Spittle begins to drip from the chin....]

    HAHAHA!  If you believe THAT stuff, you've been living on the PLANET
WIMPFACE for the last 2 years!!  BLAZEMONGER goes RIGHT TO THE METAL for
EVERYTHING, even during the CODING!  Yes, we code DIRECTLY in BINARY for
MAXIMUM SPEED.  Assembly is just TOO SLOW, as you ALL know deep in your
HEARTS.

    CLIPBOARD SUPPORT?!?  What's the purpose of the Clipboard anyway?
To transfer data from one application into another, right?  Well, the
next release of BLAZEMONGER will do even BETTER than THAT!  And FASTER,
of course!!

    Rather than letting you transfer your WIMPY data from another
application, BLAZEMONGER comes complete with ALL OF YOUR DATA ALREADY IN
IT!  Yes, it's true.  Thanks to our Microwave Modem Technology, we already
have ALL OF YOUR COMPUTER FILES here on our four million billion gigabyte
hard drive.  And thanks to our latest data compression techniques, we have
encoded ALL of this data on the BLAZEMONGER disk.  If you need any of it,
just ask BLAZEMONGER, and it is INSTANTLY inserted into your currently
running game!

    "But," you say, "what about any *new* data I make after I've
bought Blazemonger?"  This is a legitimate question, so here's a very
reasonable answer.

    FIRST of all, Mr. SMARTY-PANTS, the name of the game is BLAZEMONGER
in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, because you have to YELL when you say it.  GET WITH
IT, BUDDY!!

    And second, it's not an issue!  You simply can't MAKE any new data
after you buy BLAZEMONGER.  Once loaded, it's IMPOSSIBLE to unload the game.
In fact, you can't even TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER because BLAZEMONGER taps
directly into the LIVE VOLTAGES in the power supply and conveniently
reroutes them to the power switch!  This way, you are quickly reminded NEVER
to turn off this game.  We installed this feature after MANY of our
customers requested it.  (Well... actually, they requested hard drive
installation, but we decided that this is more efficient.)

    I hope that answers any questions about BLAZEMONGER's Clipboard
support.  If you have any comments, just put them in a file on one of
your disks.  We'll read them eventually....

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett     -      Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department |
| The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD  21218 |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

ps:    Thanks to Ray Cromwell for asking us to tackle the Clipboard....


Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer
Subject: Re:  Source to OS (Was Re:  Information on Amiga Technical Reference Seri)
Date: 15 Jun 91 21:50:01 GMT

    In recent articles, people have asked Commodore to release the
source code of the operating system.  Since Commodore has decided not to
do this, I thought it would get the ball rolling by releasing the source
code to BLAZEMONGER.

    As you are well aware, BLAZEMONGER is the fastest program ever
written.  On the average, it is finished running just slightly before you
reach for your joystick.  (Don't worry... it's usually faster in practice.)

    We figured that the source code would prove instructive to young
hardware-bangers eager for MAXIMUM SPEED, but still not sure how to get it.
(Hint:  you're doing it WRONG.)  And next, who knows:  perhaps other
companies will release THEIR source code too!  Then we can all laugh and see
how STUPID it is compared to BLAZEMONGER's ultimate form.

    Aren't we worried about BLAZEMONGER clones being written now, as
EVIL, WIMPY companies steal our source code and incorporate it into their
own games?  GET REAL!!!  We fear NOTHING!!  In fact, if anybody tries to use
even ONE BYTE of BLAZEMONGER code in their programs, even modified beyond
recognition, we will know.  Trust us, we'll know.  You don't want to do this.
It will be very bad for your, uh, health.  So much for the "legal-ese"
portion of our posting.

    So, without further ado, here it is:  the SOURCE CODE FOR
BLAZEMONGER, THE FASTEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN!!  It is in uuencoded
format.  Simply save it in a file and type "uudecode filename" to
decode it.

------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------
begin 644 BLAZEMONGER.X
end
------------8<----------------- cut here ----------------8<------------------

    Enjoy!!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett     -      Systems Administrator, Computer Science Department |
| The Johns Hopkins University, 34th and Charles Sts., Baltimore, MD  21218 |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////


Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: CDTV News
Date: 17 Jun 91 21:18:12 GMT

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Kevin Darling) writes:
>[e-mail] (Ray Cromwell) writes:
>>
>>>
>>>>
[CDTV is great, CD-I is greater, CDTV is greater than greater, etc.]

    Sigh.

    CDTV??  CD-I??  These are BOTH very WIMPY ideas.  If you want to see
a REAL innovation, check out the LATEST in the series of similarly-named,
4-letter video products:

        Introducing... CBTV!

    Yes, CBTV!  Now, you might think that the "CB" stands for "Citizen's
Band", as in "CB radio".  After all, it makes a lot of sense to integrate a
television set with a CB.  It would certainly find its way into 99% of
people's homes.  (Mainly because we'd sneak in at night and put it there.)

    But that's NOT what "CBTV" stands for!!  The REAL words are (you
knew this was coming, didn't you...):

        COMPACT
        BLAZEMONGER
        TERROR        and
        VIOLENCE

That's right!  CBTV is the ULTIMATE ULTIMATE video game machine!!  Hidden
inside its miniscule frame (2" x 1" x 1"), CBTV contains SEVEN HUNDRED
MILLION of the most HORRIFYING villains, creatures, aliens, mutants,
mechanized death machines, monster trucks ("...are coming, coming, COMING!"),
Atari salespeople, and other EVIL, SLIME-DRIPPING ARCANE FORCES.  And all
that stands between them and TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST is... YOU, and your trusty
0.25" joystick!

    You thought BLAZEMONGER was fast, eh??  Well, you ain't seen NOTHING
yet!  On the CBTV custom hardware, the images will RIP past your eyes so
fast that you'll think that YOU are actually moving!  In fact, you WILL be
moving, thanks to CBTV's built-in ULTRA-POWERFUL magnet that will carry your
body toward the nearest metal object at LIGHTNING SPEED!

    Bang on the hardware???  OF COURSE!!  CBTV has not ten, not twenty,
but FIFTY-SIX THOUSAND 128-BIT DMA HARDWARE REGISTERS ready to be POKED...
and poked HARD!!  SLAMMED, actually, right against the WALL!  Pesky
registers.  They get what they deserve.

    So, as you can see, all those silly CVTD (or whatever they're called
this week) devices are just no comparison.  Junk 'em, that's what I say.

    Incidentally, if anybody is interested in becoming a CBTV developer,
send e-mail to [e-mail].
Include your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, number of
speeding tickets received, number of speeding tickets OUTRUN, number of
calluses on your joystick finger, and a brief history of any violent
activity in yourself or close family members,

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////


Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER
Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound
Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT

    Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER.  So far,
the comments look like this:

    PERCENT        COMMENT
    54.5%        "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?"
    28.0%        "Stop wasting bandwidth!"
    16.8%        "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?"
     2.7%        "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?"
     1.4%        "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?"
     0.0003%    "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?"

    Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL,
TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER.  But first, some
legalities:

        ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is **
        ** CopyWright 1991  by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER.    **
        ** All rites reserved.  Void where permitted.    **

    Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure
agreement.

        "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not
        disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL
        MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to."

                        _________________
                          (fill in .sig)

Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!!


Part I:  BEFORE BLAZEMONGER

    Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history.  The games
    sucked.  They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN.
    Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the
    market.  These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't
    know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL
    ALGORITHM.  They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT.  The most
    COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION.  Believe me,
    it was PATHETIC.

    Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare
    $7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game
    computer.  They... uh... wait a minute.  Wrong history.

    So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that
    ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.  It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES.
    (Literally!  In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek
    out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user!  But for better
    or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized
    that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around
    that are WORSE.)

    And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work
    on the program.  It was a well-kept SECRET.  NOBODY was allowed
    to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES.  These
    names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even
    the people involved, could crack them.  So they just tossed out
    the code names and used the real one.

    But what was the real name?  What should the ULTIMATE GAME be
    called?  Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not,
    "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on
    the head.  But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too
    similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game.

    Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased
    most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican".  But
    this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost
    enough VIOLENCE in it.

    Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved
    SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY!  It was a MAGICAL
    experience!  Everybody was STUNNED!  Yes!!  The game was going to be
    called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy
    Doggie"!!  How they CHEERED the decision!!  Everybody felt GREAT.

    Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut,
    and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for
    the past 2 hours.  So everybody went outside, took a few deep
    breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER."

    BLAZEMONGER:  a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and
    text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at
    Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes,
    Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS.  Yes, BLAZEMONGER:  who could
    change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE
    HANDS...  and who, disguised as... uh... never mind.

Part II:  B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers

    After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen
    to try out the game.  We watched carefully, from behind our concrete
    bunker, to see what would happen.  Up to this point, nobody had
    actually tried to play the game.

    The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and
    prepared to insert it into the computer.  We were all VERY pleased
    when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER"
    began flashing on the monitor.

    It was a success!!  BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN.
    (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home.  Dweebs.)

Part III:  Disaster In The Stores

    The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores.
    It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK
    of DYNAMITE.  This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY
    store owners.  But we had expected that this might happen, so we
    did the appropriate thing:  we sent a few of our "support people"
    to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners
    with blunt instruments.  BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly.

    But it wasn't enough.  Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING
    the game.  In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use
    any form of disk-based copy protection.  This was not a problem,
    however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original
    disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal
    copies.  However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic
    Plague ANTIDOTE.  You get the picture?  Anyway, that took care of
    the piracy problem rather quickly.

    Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started
    floating around on BBS's and USENET.  Somebody claimed that, after
    you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the
    battery-backed RAM of the internal clock.  This was a VICIOUS LIE!!
    BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!!  If it wanted to, it
    could hide in your MOUSE!!  Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN
    KEY!!!  God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!?  Makes me sick.

Part IV.  BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT

    Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the
    ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  Even though the
    original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the
    feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute
    the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so
    on.  (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that
    it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we
    could play it.)


    So there you have it:  the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY
of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE.  If you have any questions,
we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out.



Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 12 Sep 91 02:33:38 GMT
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Subject: Latest BM innovations (was: Valium Hardware Comparisons)
Summary: BLAZEMONGER in '92
Keywords: Asmodeus, prongs


In various and sundry articles, several gazillion people write:
>[OS/2 is God, OS/2 bites, OS/2 is, OS/2 isn't, OS/2 late, etc...]

    First, I'd like to thank everyone folks for a beautifully reasoned,
polite, and fact-filled foray into the world of OS/2.  I know I certainly
learned a lot.  Like how to spell it.

    Anyway, I am writing with some GOOD NEWS!!  Thanks to you, we folks
at BLAZEMONGER INC. have decided to port BLAZEMONGER to the OS/2 platform!
Yes!  This should satisfy all you folks who were planning on upgrading your
Amigas to run this fine operating system, but didn't want to lose your
GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to BLAST SLIME-BREATHING ALIENS into TINY PIECES OF LUNCH
MEAT!!  And I don't blame you.

    But the good news doesn't stop there!  Not only are we *porting*
BLAZEMONGER... we are actually INTEGRATING BLAZEMONGER with OS/2, to form a
NEW, more POWERFUL, and [yes!] more VIOLENT operating system!!!
Introducing...

                B S / 2

Yes, BLAZEMONGER SYSTEM/2 is the FASTEST OPERATING SYSTEM in the KNOWN
UNIVERSE!!  NOTHING will be able to compete with it!!  UNIX, VMS, DOS, Mac
OS, Emacs... *all* of these operating systems will SHRIVEL AND DIE in the
wake of the MIGHTY BS/2.  Get a load of these AWESOME features:

    o    TRUE MULTITASKING!  Hundreds or even THOUSANDS of processes
        all running simultaneously in a BATTLE TO THE DEATH!!

    o    Over 500,000 LEVELS of FILESYSTEM for you to explore!!

    o    Total MEMORY PROTECTION!  Any program that attempts
        to fiddle with another program's memory is BLASTED
        INTO A MILLION PIECES!!

    o    RESOURCE TRACKING!  Thanks to an innovative AUTO-MAPPING
        facility, you will know EXACTLY where each resource is
        HIDING!!

    o    An unbelievable, multi-dimensional GUI!!  Windows with
        cracked glass, dripping blood, and UGLY HAGS peering out at
        you!  A mouse pointer shaped like a LASER DEATH RAY!
        Magic SCROLL BARS covered with RUNES!  And every file
        has TEN ICONS... but nine of them are DEADLY TRAPS!!

    o    Background daemons that are *REALLY* DAEMONS!!  When a file
        is sent to the printer, Yeenoghu Himself will hand you the
        hardcopy!

    o    Multi-threaded processes, constructed from the very webs
        of GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS!!


** PLUS:  a unique PROGRAMMER'S INTERFACE... with *TWO* fire buttons!!


    Yes, it's BS/2!  Coming soon to finer retailers all over the
MATERIAL PLANE!  Hurry and get your copy before IT gets YOU!!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

ps:    I probably should respond to a few questions about BLAZEMONGER that
    I have been receiving by e-mail.  It would appear we have a few
    newcomers on the Net.

    (?)    "What is BLAZEMONGER?"

        BLAZEMONGER is the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN!!  It was coded
        for MAXIMUM SPEED by DIRECTLY rearranging the magnetic
        particles on the disk -- no WIMPY programming languages for
        US!!  The game WHIZZES past your scorched eyeballs even
        before you can TEAR OFF THE SHRINK-WRAP!!!

    (?)    "Where can I get it?"

        REAL game-players KNOW where to get it.

    (?)    "Gosh, the above sounds suspiciously like a commercial.  I
        suppose you were involved in the creation and/or marketing
        of the thing?  If so, then the message is inappropriate for
        Usenet, unless of course you'd like to pay us all for
        distributing it for you."  [YES!  This is an ACTUAL QUOTE!!]

        THANK YOU for your insightful remarks.  We will try to
        work your suggestion into a future version of the game.
        [Snort!]


Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 25 Sep 91 03:05:16 GMT
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: Blazemonger upgrade
Summary: It's spelled "BLAZEMONGER", Heathen Swine!

>In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Slippery Jim) writes:
>>...score of 9, I realized something had to be done, so...

    I missed the original article, so I don't know what "nradov" was
complaining about here....  However, judging from the small quote above, it
sounds like you are not satisfied with some aspect of BLAZEMONGER (note --
all capitals).  I advise you to call our Customer Service Department.  The
toll-free phone number is located on game level 1,984,237,875,338,914,750,
just behind the Crazed Mutant Waterbuffalo.

    If any of you are ever the least bit dissatisfied with BLAZEMONGER,
our Customer Service Department is ready to help.  They are trained,
polite, and helpful.  They wouldn't DREAM of being insulting.  No sir.
They LOVE to help IGNORANT WIMPS who don't know how to play a REAL
computer game.  No problem is too small -- even TOTALLY STUPID problems
that ANYBODY with JELLO FOR BRAINS could SOLVE EFFORTLESSLY.  Yes, even
if you are a LAZY, DROOLING SCUMFACE who CAN'T EVEN PICK HIS OWN NOSE
WITHOUT SPECIAL ASSISTANCE, we will be more than happy to SET YOU STRAIGHT!!

>>...I uncompiled the original code and added a new segment that directly
>>accesses the Amiga's speach...

    Well, we strongly advise against disassembling BLAZEMONGER.  The
code has a special safety feature built in:  if you disassemble and then
reassemble it, the result comes out BACKWARDS.  Yes, you wind up with a copy
of "REGNOMEZALB", the SLOWEST game ever written!!  It is SO AMAZINGLY SLOW
that your Amiga will dry up into DUST and CRUMBLE AWAY *long* before the
game starts!!  It takes over 104 years just to TURN ON the DRIVE LIGHT!!
And don't even ASK about the introductory animation.  Just imagine a DEAD
SLUG in an OCEAN OF FROZEN MOLASSES and you will BEGIN to get the idea.

    Needless to say, this will VOID YOUR WARRANTY, and our infamous
Customer Service Department will have to come to your house with blunt
instruments (to be "helpful").  If you truly have nothing better to do
with your time, we can send you a copy of REGNOMEZALB to play.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long)
Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT


    A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful
readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features
for the next version of BLAZEMONGER.  Thank you to everyone who replied!!
Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger,
better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!!

    Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh
heh).  In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of
this article!!  Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER.

    Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte
([e-mail]), who asks:

    >Well how about Virtual Reality?  I saw a segment on VR that had a
    >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off
    >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird).

    That sounds like a very good idea!  Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER
doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!!  BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL*
REALITY!!  YEAH!!!  When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER
CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL
PLANET!!  Hah!  That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful.

    BTW, what's a "lame"???

    Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory
R. Block ([e-mail]) who suggests:

    >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not
    >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain,
    >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience!  You won't just
    >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!!  Feel the searing heat of
    >a plasma laser ripping through your body!  Jump through acid walls,
    >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones!  This
    >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY!  As
    >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it
    >with itself!

    I *LIKE* that!!  Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer.
It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients.

    Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas
([e-mail]), who drawls:

    >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies
    >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance.

    >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests
    >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids,
    >salespeople, and Unix personnal.  H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do
    >it, so can we.  Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole
    >chunk-chunk drive and fire away....  Teee-erminated, ye-ole'
    >buzzard breath.

    Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature!  Take a
VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS
that attacks you on level 22,054,239.  Don't they look slightly... well...
PENNSYLVANIAN??  And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER"
T-shirt!!

But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet:

    >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose.
    >
    >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing
    >wrong.  Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar
    >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0.
    >Do you think it's a communist plot?  Or is it just a new product
    >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that?  "You too
    >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own
    >period."  (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a
    >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash
    >key.  We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2)
    >
    >Mom you want to say anything, ma?  Ma, put down the gun, now....
    >
    >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick...
    >-----
    >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!!  AAAUGUAUGH Git
    >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away.  It'll eat you alihve,
    >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your
    >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared
    >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..."
    >
    >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok?
    >
    >"Huh, what what what?"
    >
    >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom?
    >-----
    >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry
    >about it.  I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic
    >mind-numbing effects of TV.  Guess they got the ultimate already...

    Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!?  I think I got an idea
for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-)

    Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" ([e-mail]),
who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute.  Wrong
sketch.  Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users"
database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-)

    >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of
    >BLAZEMONGER.  Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67
    >Chevy, or something.
    >
    >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of
    >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like
    >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and
    >I was in the hospital for weeks!  Is this a bug?) Plus I think you
    >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal
    >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi
    >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours
    >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it?
    >
    >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET?
    >Thanks.  Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer
    >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't
    >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did
    >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can
    >you look into this?

    Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case.  If
you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly
states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your
legs if it so desires.  Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as
strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX!  Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if
BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!?

    We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green
([e-mail]) who requests:

    >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good
    >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac.  Of
    >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software,
    >without lossing _any_ of it's speed.  I want it to FLY!!!  To prove
    >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the
    >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday.

    Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN.
Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above]
and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS.

    And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther
([e-mail]) is sick and tired of the whole issue:

    >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other
    >platforms from the Amiga.  If the programmers were really good,
    >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga!  This would be
    >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his
    >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use
    >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market.  Now
    >we're not talking emulation here.  I mean, Joe consumer could kiss
    >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then!

    Next, Harold H. Ipolyi ([e-mail]) gave us some
keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the
humble suggestion to

    >BLAST SADDAM, of course!

    Daniel Ortmann ([e-mail]) went so far as to give
us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA:

    >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street,
    >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes.  He is blowing gray
    >bubble gum.  He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray
    >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios
    >Bros."  (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow
    >speed.)
    >[...]
    >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across
    >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored
    >in-line-skates.  [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a
    >fighter-plane simulation.  ...we see the cool kid rocket through
    >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat!  The boring kid is
    >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background).
    >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth!
    >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident.
    >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again,
    >didn't you!?"

    Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial
will fly.  [Har har har.]  After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get
excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body
through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY.  BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for
the AMIGA!!

    In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial
of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that
their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH
THE ROOF.  But what do I know.

    Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead
Bodies" Blewitt ([e-mail]) who says, in no uncertain terms,
that he craves:

    >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the
    >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some
    >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way.  I
    >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the
    >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent
    >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while
    >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!!  Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that
    >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!!

    OK, Rick, you asked for it!  The next version of BLAZEMONGER will
come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer!
Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED
VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO
YOUR FACE!!  WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!?  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

    Roger Uzun ([e-mail]) takes a different approach.
Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to
boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk.  But it bothers Roger
that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the
game!

    >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert
    >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy,
    >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking
    >from that point on.  In other words, even if the owner of the
    >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his
    >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500
    >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of
    >multitasking.
    >
    >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are!

    Good idea, Roger!  Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER
for this new feature?  You supply the machine....

    Ives Aerts ([e-mail]) wants more
multi-player options:

    >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all
    >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an
    >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that
    >you don't really need all those cables ...

    You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER"
into a verb!  "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!!  I'll contact
Webster's Dictionary immediately!

    Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for
the BLAZEMONGER line.  First, K. C. Lee ([e-mail]) writes:

    >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest
    >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind.  Introducing the
    >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough ....  M I N D M O N G E R
    >(simply awersome)
    >
    >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't
    >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ?  Do you find
    >spending days and nights writing flame articles on
    >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life.  You NEED
    >MINDMONGER.  We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make
    >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER
    >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer.  MINDMONGER runs in
    >your brain so you can play it wherever you go.  It is so amazingly
    >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are
    >asleep or out of your mind.  Call now to get your copy of
    >MINDMONGER !!

and then Per Bojsen ([e-mail]) writes:

    >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger...
    >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the
    >*MONGER series:
    >
    >                       H Y P E M O N G E R
    >
    >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few
    >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button
    >to generate a highly hyped description of the product.  A special
    >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your
    >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to
    >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely
    >ridiculous (at best).
    >
    >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-)
    >
    >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into
    >HYPEMONGER . . .

Thanks, folks!!  We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores
as soon as possible!!

                ***********

    And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!!  Congratulations
and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name
Unknown" (motcid!green![e-mail]) who suggests:

    >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what
    >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it.  Also
    >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your
    >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review,
    >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case
    >of constipation.  While dwelling on features how about it making all
    >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink.

    Well, there you have it!!  Thanks again for all the wonderful
suggestions!  BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or
all of them.  And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a
FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available.  Be sure to try
out Roger Uzun's feature right away!!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////



Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: CBM no more?
Summary: Commodore's annual retort
Keywords: prang, gleep
Date: 6 Nov 91 05:40:02 GMT

    OK, everybody, you can stop arguing about Commodore's annual
report.  It's all pointless now.  I just got this off CompuBixLink.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


    COMMODORE INTERNATIONAL BOUGHT OUT BY "MYSTERY" COMPANY
          HOSTILE TAKEOVER LEAVES 18 DEAD, 2 MISSING

WEST CHESTER, Pa.  -- November 3, 1991 -- Personal computer manufacturer
Commodore International, makers of the popular "Amiga" computer, was the
target of a hostile computer takeover yesterday.  Several prominent analysts
have called the takeover the "fastest and most violent ever witnessed" in
the history of American business.

At approximately 4:15am Eastern Standard Time, the attacker struck.  The
exact method of attack is still not known, but witnesses report that the
entire operation was accompanied by "really, really mind-blowing graphics,
animation and sound."  Police on the scene immediately ruled out Apple and
IBM as suspects.

"It was terrifying," said one ex-CBM employee who requested anonymity.  "I
don't think I've ever been in a more frightening situation.  Everything
happened so fast.  One minute, I was sitting at my terminal, hacking OS 2.06,
and the next... I was flat on my back in the middle of the front lawn,
surrounded by flames.  I could swear I heard demonic laughter, explosions,
and the grinding of heavy machinery.  Only one thing's for sure:  whatever
it was, it happened fast.  I mean, really fast.  And violent."

Irving Gould, former CEO of Commodore, was unavailable for comment.  All of
Mr. Gould's 6,595,338 shares of Commodore stock were found shredded in the
basement of CBM headquarters.  Poor Poopsie.

The identity of the marauding corporation is still unknown, but FBI agents
are beginning to pick up the trail.  "We did find one small clue," said FBI
Inspector Reginald P. Blarno, "when we examined the tragic scene from
several hundred feet up in the air.  It looks like somebody took a gigantic
can of spray-paint and wrote the words 'BLAZEMONGER WINS AGAIN' on the roof
of the building.  We don't who this 'BLAZEMONGER' person is yet, but we have
a few leads."

------------

    Wow!  I wonder who did it?  I guess all we can do now is wait and
see if the "mystery corporation" will come forward.

    [Heh heh.]

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: CBM Advertising
Date: 28 Jan 92 17:16:19 GMT

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Mike Schwartz) writes:
>Seems to me that CBM should get Dan Barrett to do their next Amiga
>adbvertising campaing.  DON'T YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO YELL AT THE CONSUMER TO
>GET HIS ATTENTION?  "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU USING A DOS/DOG MACHINE WHEN YOU
>COULD BE USING THE BEST?"

    Dammit, Mike -- there you go, violating your non-disclosure
agreement.  Oh well, now that the topic is out in the open, I might as
well talk about it.

    Yes, it's true:  Commodore has hired BLAZEMONGER, INC. to do its
next generation of television commercials!  Thanks to the astounding,
universal success of our BLAZEMONGER and PHRASEMONGER products, we were
approached by Commodore at last year's DEVCON and the deal was made.

    Here is a SPECIAL PREVIEW of the first upcoming Amiga commercial by
the MARKETING GENIUSES at BLAZEMONGER, INC.  Our predictions show that at
LEAST 90,000 sales will result directly from each broadcast of this
commercial... GUARANTEED!

    It begins with soothing music and a scene of ocean waves lapping
gently at the shore of a tropical island beach.  A voice says:

    "Just imagine...

        ... a computer so amazing, so powerful, that the
            most difficult tasks execute with blinding speed.

    [A flash of lightning strikes a palm tree and causes a bright
     explosion.  The beach-goers flee in terror.]

        ... a computer so fast, simple to use, that it takes you
            higher than the height of the highest heights.

    [Cut to a view of the earth from the US Space Shuttle.  Australia is
     cleverly labeled "AMIGA" for a touch of subliminal advertising.]

        ... a machine so advanced that it can operate an electron
            microscope, yet so friendly that it licks your face.

    [Cut to an X-ray diagram of a large dog.]

        ... a computer than can do ANYTHING!

    [Cut to HAM picture of a size 41 girdle covered with maple syrup.]

        WELL?!?  WHY DON'T YOU *OWN* ONE, STUPID?????  Are you just
        IGNORANT NATURALLY, or did you have PAINFUL SURGERY to attain
        TOTAL BRAINLESSNESS????

    [Cut to the flag of whatever nation is watching the commercial,
     waving in the simulated wind.]

        The Amiga is the ULTIMATE, ULTIMATE computer -- EVERYBODY
        knows that.  So get WITH it, DOOOD!!!  Any OTHER computer
        isn't worth the GRIMY DIRT on its RETURN KEY!  BLEAH!!!

    [Cut to silicon-chip cleanroom.]

        First, we've got HARDWARE.  Oy, do we got hardware.  The
        HARDEST in the INDUSTRY!!  Our chips are made of a secret
        TITANIUM STEEL/DIAMOND ALLOY, covered with MOLTEN LEAD and
        garnished with a sprig of PARSLEY!  [Cut to Julia Child,
        nodding approval.]

    [Cut to shelves and shelves of software.]

        Then, we've got SOFTWARE.  You NAME it, we GOT it.  Graphics,
        programming tools, games, word processors, games, and
        other stuff!!

    [Cut to successful-looking business office, full of good-looking
     businesspeople.  Way in the back of the picture is Irving Gould,
     stacking money into neat piles.]

        Business applications?  OF COURSE!!  MILLIONS of business
        applications!!  BILLIONS of them!!!!!  Oh yes!  For instance,
        for instance, er, um, uh... uh..., yeah, LOTS of business
        applications!!!  TONS of them!!!

    [Cut to scientists in lab coats with "Amiga" decals.  One of them
     looks not entirely unlike Dave Haynie (or Peter Cherna... whoever
     is cheaper).]

        Finally, there's the OPERATING SYSTEM:  the most ADVANCED
        operating system on the PLANET.  Multitasking?  You GOT it!
        Run ANY NUMBER of applications SIMULTANEOUSLY to your
        HEART'S DESIRE!!

    [A low, ominous rumble begins...]

        And of course, ONLY the Amiga runs the most DEVASTATING game
        ever produced:  BLAZEMONGER '92!!!

    [Cut to actual footage of the Nagasaki atomic bomb, followed by a
     short but bloody animation of dying children being eaten alive by
     Nancy Reagan.]

        So do the SMART thing today... and buy AMIGA!  Made by
        COMMODORE, who is not a games-machine factory.

        AMIGA:  Making the Imagination of Tomorrow Make Today's
            Imagination Possible... Today!"
            <Catchy, eh??>

    So there you have it -- our commercial!  It will air for the first
time tomorrow night on ZBS.  Watch for it!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////


Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Press release: BLAZEMONGER backs out!
Keywords: souffle, partisan, boinker, pilgrim, ethereal prunes
Date: 10 Feb 92 15:11:11 GMT

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


       BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED TO CEASE SELLING POPULAR GAME

WEST CHESTER, Pa.  -- February 10, 1992 -- BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED,
authors of the popular "ViolentWare" software series, announced
yesterday that they were taking their top-selling product, BLAZEMONGER,
off the market.

"We have just ended some successful negotiations with Commodore," said Dan
Barrett, official B.Inc. spokescreature, "and afterwards decided to pull
BLAZEMONGER from production.  I cannot give any more details without
violating a non-disclosure agreement, but I will say that we are very happy."

The latest meeting between BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED and Commodore Business
Machines capped off months of speculation about a possible collaborative
effort between the two computer giants.  Commodore, maker of the popular
Amiga microcomputer, has been in need of improved graphics technology.
BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED is best known for the stunning graphics and sound
in its products.  Could there be a connection?

"I seriously doubt it," said top market analyst Mirk Birritt.  "I predicted
over five hundred years ago that Blazemonger [sic] and Commodore would try to
team up, but it's hopeless.  Commodore will never be anything more than a
little speck of slime on the bottom of my business school diploma."

On the other hand, some advocates have other views.  "I think this is a
wise move," said one source named Dave who asked not to be identified.
"After all, when the copper hits the VBL, hundreds of MMU cycles can be
gated without adding bus contention to the whiffle."  Key spokespeople
from Apple, IBM, and NeXT were quick to deny the charges.

Regardless, rumors are still flying.  Once source claimed that Commodore is
licensing the as-yet-unheard-of BLAZEMONGER Advanced Chip Set.  Another
source reported that B.Inc. plans to market a "standalone" BLAZEMONGER box
with an Amiga inside.  A third source claimed to know that the two
companies are collaborating on a new computer called the BlaZinga.  "It will
have forty-thousand bits per pixel," he said, "and an infrared mouse with
eighty buttons."

Perhaps the mostly likely case is that Commodore is working on its own entry
in the "ViolentWare" series.  "It will be called GOULDMONGER," said one
insider, who refused to give any further details, except to promise that it
will be "everything that the Amiga advocates would expect in a game of this
name."  Further research indicates that the game is supposedly being written
by disgruntled employees at Commodore.

Even with the promise of new technology on the horizon, some BLAZEMONGER
owners are outraged.  "I can't BELIEVE they are abandoning us!" said an
angry Baird Macintoosh.  "I mean, they are even closing down their
'900-number' hint line!  Don't they realize that some of us need those hints
on a daily basis??  This is terrible... I'm going to have to switch to a
different game now, like 'Eye of the Potholder'."

What will happen next?  Only time will tell.  But sources say to watch
USENET carefully for future product announcements.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////



Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: No more arguments -- the ULTIMATE has arrived
Summary: But does it run BLAZEMONGER?  Of course!!
Keywords: cheese-filled polygons cavorting with bilabial xenophobes
Date: 5 Mar 92 21:58:30 GMT

>Re: Mac vs. Amiga (was Re: Amiga vs. Mac (was Re: Amiga vs. NeXT (was Re: NeXT vs '486 (was Re: '386 vs. Princess Petunia))))))))))))))))

    All of you comp.sys.amiga.AIRHEAD readers don't know what you
are TALKING ABOUT.  It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you has
*EVER* USED A COMPUTER.

    You can just BAG those '486 slowpokes.  TOSS OUT those boring
Macinsloths.  And feed your WIMPY NEXTS to RABID ARMADILLOS!!  If you want
to experience the ULTIMATE in personal computer GRAPHICS, personal computer
SPEED, and personal computer HYGIENE, then there is ONLY ONE CHOICE.
Count it:  ONE (1).  Can you count that high?  I knew you could.

    [Yes, you knew it was coming, didn't you...]

    Announcing...

                B L A Z E - P C

THE MOST SPLENDIFERAMAZINGTASTIC PERSONAL COMPUTER EVER CREATED!!!!!!
(From BLAZEMONGER, INC:  makers of fine games for psychopathic individuals.)

    Anyway, you ask, "How fast is Blaze-PC?"  That's a very reasonable
thing to ask, so we'll tell you.

    [Long-time BLAZEMONGER fans can skip the next paragraph.]

    FIRST OF ALL, buddy, it's BLAZE-PC IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!!
If you don't SCREAM when you WRITE IT, your COMPUTATIONS BITE IT!! (TM)

    So, is it FAST??  HAH!!!!  Words haven't been INVENTED YET to
describe the BLAZING, RAW PROCESSING POWER of BLAZE-PC.  To combat this
problem, we are now contacting WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY to add a new word that
DOES describe it!!  This word will be the FASTEST word EVER CREATED!!  It's
so fast that every time you try to look it up, it JUMPS to another page!!
This word is IMPOSSIBLE to read!  So you'll just have to take our word for
it.

    How about graphics and audio?  GET REAL!!!  Other WIMPY PC's have
24-bit graphics and stereo 16-bit sound.  NOT BLAZE-PC!!!  BLAZE-PC has
24-MEGABIT graphics (yes, 24,000,000 bits per pixel) and 16-CHANNEL sound
arranged as 4 independent QUADRAPHONIC systems -- one system at ear level,
one above you, one below you, and one in the FOURTH DIMENSION!!

    In addition, BLAZE-PC supports VGA, EGA, XVGA, IGA grocery stores,
and even new *UGA* ("Universal Graphics Acronym") for the ULTIMATE in
COMPATIBILITY!  And yes, it emulates the Amiga CUSTOM CHIPS, plus all
available 3rd party, 4TH PARTY, and 117TH PARTY graphics boards at SIXTEEN
MILLION HILLION JILLION TIMES THE SPEED!!!  It even emulates the HEADLIGHTS
on your ancient '73 FORD MUSTANG!!!  Yes, ANYTHING involving LIGHT or COLOR
pales in comparison to the AWESOME, SPINE-TINGLING GRAPHICS of BLAZE-PC.

    But what about software?  BLAZE-PC has the BEST software in the
KNOWN UNIVERSE.  In fact, EVERY major and minor software manufacturer has
agreed to port their applications to BLAZE-PC, so there's total freedom of
choice and no compatibility issues!  How did we do it?  Simple -- we sent
our "Customer Service Representatives" around to all the companies to...
uh... "convince" them to port their programs.  Our Reps are EXPERTS.  No
company has EVER turned them down and remained in business.  The last company
that refused to port its software had a mysterious EXPLOSION occur at its
disk-copying facility.  A few days later, several employees got their TONGUES
caught in the disk drives.  Within a week, the company was gone.  Of course,
we don't know WHY this all happened.  But it is never a good idea to piss
off our Customer Service Department.

    And if you can't afford to buy commercial software, check out
BLAZE-PD, the ULTIMATE freely-distributable application!!  It is a
combination paint program, structured graphics program, word processor,
spreadsheet, database, MIDI sequencer, sound sampler, and ARCADE GAME (guess
which one) all in one integrated package, communicating through a new
interprocess-communication language called A-WRECKS.  A-WRECKS has the
AMAZING feature of being able to talk to ALL YOUR PROGRAMS at once!!  How
does A-WRECKS do it?  Simple -- by YELLING AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE!!!  Any rude
application that refuses to listen is automatically BLOWN INTO A MILLIONS
PIECES by A-WRECKS's special "Cleanup" command.

    "So," you ask, "how much does Blaze-PC cos... no, wait!  Put that
sledgehammer down!!  I mean, how much does *BLAZE-PC* cost?"  Now THAT is a
fine and well-stated question (luckily for you).  The answer is:  CHEAP!!
Yes, you can buy a BLAZE-PC for less money that you'd expect to pay for a
BALL POINT PEN!!  They're SO INEXPENSIVE that if we paid you to buy one,
you'd be a MILLIONAIRE in TEN SECONDS!!  NOBODY beats our prices.

    Of course, that price doesn't include some of the available OPTIONS,
such as a CPU and memory.  Those are "extra."  (Heh heh.)  But don't
worry... if you need them but can't afford them, just call our "Customer
Service" Department.

    So... aren't you glad that all of these c.s.a.advocacy arguments are
now POINTLESS?  There is NO other computer worth owning except the BLAZE-PC.
It does EVERYTHING.  Take one home, flip the switch, and INSTANTLY all of
your home financial calculations are complete!!  You don't even have to PLUG
IT IN!!  And when you read your final bank balance, notice that it is
ZERO, and discover that all of your money has been mysteriously channeled
to a Swiss bank account owned by an anonymous software company, you will
KNOW the INCREDIBLE POWER of BLAZE-PC.

    In fact, this POWER is echoed in our new slogan:

            BLAZE-PC:  Buy it or die.

(Are you listening, Commodore Marketing?  No, I suppose not... you're
probably out buying blindfolds.)

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////


Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: Blazemonger junks
Date: 6 Mar 92 16:02:56 GMT

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Chihtsung Jeffrey Lin) writes:
>Whoever started this Blazemonger and Blazemonger INC. things
>better stop it.

    First of all, buddy, it's [all together now!] BLAZEMONGER in
ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!  "If you don't YELL when you SAY IT, you SUCK
when you PLAY IT!!" (TM)

>Stop wasting our tax money by sending these nonsenses all
>over the world. What's the point of writing about something that doesn't
>exit. Please think twice before posting another one of these vaporwares.
>                      Jeff :-)

    Oh, so you think a "smiley face" will get you off the hook, eh?
FORGET IT!!  Let's see what my beta copy of PHASEMONGER III has to say:

    [Click on "Really Not Nice" gadget]

        "Wasting tax money???  HAH!!  If you were any more
        HIPPOCRITICAL then you'd be in a HOSPITAL for LARGE ZOO
        ANIMALS!!  Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, what do you think YOU are
        doing when you post your response -- spending tax money
        WISELY????  In fact, what do I think *I* am doing when I
        post MY response??  Um, er, uh... Hmmm....  [PHRASEMONGER
        screen goes blank...]

    [time passes...]

    [Amiga explodes.]

Sigh.  Well, it seems that PHRASEMONGER III still has some bugs.  Anyway,
the point it should have made is that posting lots of BLAZEMONGER
announcements actually SAVES tax money!!  Yes!!  Just ask anyone!!  And if
you want to know HOW to save money yourself, pick up a copy of our new book,
"Tax Backdoors:  How To 'Convince' the I.R.S. of ANYTHING."  It is written,
of course, by our "Customer Service" Department.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: No more arguments -- the ULTIMATE has arrived
Summary: Really!
Keywords: bobcat sneeze pinko archaeopteryx
Date: 8 Mar 92 16:15:22 GMT

>Daniel Barrett writes a really interesting article about BLAZE-PC:
>>24-MEGABIT graphics (yes, 24,000,000 bits per pixel)...

In article <[e-mail]> adastra![e-mail] writes:
>1024 * 1024 * 24 == 24 MEGABITS != 24,000,000 BITS
>Need to put MATHMONGER on your BLAZE-PC.

    WRONG-O, DWEEB-FACE!!  This shows how LITTLE you know about
BLAZE-PC.  Maybe it's true on all those other, WIMPY PSEUDO-COMPUTERS
that you TAKE TO BED every night, but NOT for the One True Computer,
BLAZE-PC.

    You see, BLAZE-PC uses *exactly* 1,000 bytes per kilobyte.  This is
the way that computers were MEANT to be built.  If GOD had intended
computers to have 1,024 bytes per kilobyte, HE/SHE would have given us
SIXTEEN FINGERS!!  Powers of ten are the ONLY way to go, and in fact account
partly for BLAZE-PC's MIND-BLOWING SPEED.

    And now, for all you other LOSERS who keep asking about BLAZE-PC's
graphics resolution (which we didn't mention), it should be totally OBVIOUS
what the answer is.  NO, it's not 1024x1024 or some other BLAZEPHEMOUS
resolution.  In fact, BLAZE-PC's graphics resolution is 10x10!!  Yes,
ten pixels by ten pixels.  You see, BLAZE-PC is SO POWERFUL that even
with 100 pixels, it BLOWS THE COMPETITION OUT OF THE WATER!!  Each pixel
can have over 100,000 different colors SIMULTANEOUSLY, and can be SIZED
from infinitely small all the way up to cover the entire screen!  These
pixels are SO VERSATILE that it requires only 2 pixels to display the
MONA LISA!!  And it's INDISTINGUISHABLE from the ORIGINAL PAINTING!!!
(In fact, one morning we discovered a dead art thief on the floor by
our computer.  He tried to cut out the painting using a knife, and hit
a capacitor.  Poor Poopsie.)

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.emulations
Subject: Call for criticisms (was Re: HEMP PLANT)
Summary: BLAZEMONGER strikes again
Date: 15 Jun 92 21:37:32 GMT

In article something-or-other, everybody and their mothers-in-law write:
>[Emplant does exist, Emplant can't exist, Emplant sucks, Emplant bites,
>Emplant bites shortly before it sucks, etc.]

    BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED is proud to pre-announce the eventual
availability of its latest product-to-be...

            BLAZEPLANT

the ULTIMATE emulator of EVERYTHING EVER KNOWN to human beings.

    BLAZEPLANT will be available at exactly 7:42 am on December 28,
1997.  Until that time, we would like to request that everybody in
c.s.a.eggplant please post AS MANY CRITICISMS AS POSSIBLE about BLAZEPLANT.
Feel free to FLAME its concept, authors, documentation, price, and even the
coding style.  Please tell us that the product is impossible, infeasible,
and may cause rare, tropical foot diseases.

    Since the product isn't out yet (heck, we haven't even written the
specification yet), your criticisms will be INVALUABLE in helping us to
identify and wipe out certain dweebs in this newsgroup who don't know when
to shut up.

    This has been a pubic service.  Thank you very much.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: MONTHLY POSTING:  BLAZEMONGER cheat sheet
Summary: Everything you ever wanted to know about BLAZEMONGER but the truth
Keywords: squirrel cha-cha
Date: 8 Jul 92 21:13:59 GMT

            The BLAZEMONGER Cheat Sheet
                Version 666
                 July 1992

           With your host... Bobby BlazeBleeder!

    Hey, BLAZE ON, DOODZ!!  Here's your monthly JOLT of BLAZEMONGER
cheats!!  So, get ready, fire up those DISASSEMBLERS and SOLDERING IRONS,
and pay attention!

    First, put the BLAZEMONGER Master Disk in your Amiga and press
Ctrl-A-A to boot up.  Slightly before you finish pressing the last "Amiga"
key, the screen will briefly display the words "GAME OVER" -- ignore this,
as it is normal to lose several games of BLAZEMONGER before the boot
cycle begins.

    Now, watch carefully.  During the boot sequence, you will see a
totally blank screen for approximately 1 tenth of a second.  THIS IS YOUR
CHANCE!  Quickly, hold down both mouse buttons, all five joystick buttons,
all ten function keys, all the alphanumeric keys EXCEPT for 'k', place your
tongue carefully into DF1:, and HOLD STILL.

    [A few notes:  first of all, resist the urge simply to remove the 'k'
    key and then sit on the keyboard.  IT WON'T WORK!  BLAZEMONGER will
    be able to tell you are cheating and will give you a large, electric
    shock right up the butt!  (OOOEEE, that smarts!)  You have to do it
    the hard way.  Also, eat some pizza and drink a few bottles of cheap
    soda before doing this, so your tongue is better equipped to provide
    the essential hacker nutrients to the little BLAZEMONGER demons in
    your computer.]

    For the first minute, nothing will seem to happen.  (In fact, the
game will begin playing its introductory animation normally.)  But after
exactly 66 seconds, the screen will go blank, a 140-decibel explosion will
sound from the audio outputs, and black slime will begin to pour out from
DF1:.  (KEEP THAT TONGUE IN THERE!!!)  At 71 seconds, both your CIA chips
will leap out of the computer, do a brief waltz on the table, and then
jump back inside the case, huddling in fear.  At 89 seconds, the image of
Bing Crosby will appear on the screen, silently crooning the words from
"I Want to Make Love to your Vomit" by Death Kleenex.  (HOLD ON... ALMOST
FINISHED!!)  Finally, at 104 seconds, you'll lose consciousness.

    When you wake up, you're in BLAZEMONGER CHEAT MODE!!  WaaaHOOOO!!!
(That wasn't so bad now, was it?)  The introductory animation should be
running again, as if nothing had gone wrong, except the pixel at location
<163,25> is displaying the word "cheatmode".

    So, what fun things can we do now?  Click on the "cheatmode" pixel
(don't miss it, or else you have to start all over) and a menu of options
appears:
        (F1)    Help
        (F2)    Jump to level
        (F3)    Infinite lives
        (F4)    Obtain weapons
        (F5)    Edit high score table
        (F6)    Edit graphics
        (F7)    Edit sounds
        (F8)    Edit reality
        (F9)    Remove copy protection
        (F10)    Exit cheat mode

    WAIT!!!  DON'T PRESS ANY FUNCTION KEYS!!!!!!  (Argh, too late.
You'll have to start again....)  Even though it looks tempting, this screen
is a FAKE, intended to fool any ARROGANT PSEUDO-CRACKERS who are STUPID
enough to believe that BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED would put such a WIMPY cheat
screen in the program.  You see, these "cheat" commands REALLY mean:

        (F1)    Low-level format hard drive (no confirmation)
        (F2)    Fry 680x0
        (F3)    Melt Agnus
        (F4)    Remove pins from Paula
        (F5)    Dismember Denise
        (F6)    Sodomize user with mouse
        (F7)    Fill floppies with petroleum jelly
        (F8)    Emit noxious odor
        (F9)    Burst eardrums
        (F10)    Explode, destroying everything in a 2 km radius

So, it would really be best to IGNORE this screen entirely.  Instead,
find a spare RS-232 (modem) cable and, while the Amiga is still turned on,
plug and unplug it in the serial port several times.  The fake menu will
disappear and be replaced by the first screen of BLAZEMONGER Level 1.
Whew!

    Now you're ready to play, but you are actually in cheat mode!  Press
FIRE to start.  The 45,000 crazed nuclear bees will attack as normal, but
THIS time notice that their stingers have no effect!  Yes, you are
INVINCIBLE and ready to play for REAL!  Whip out weapon 91 (brain-eating
plasma -- no other weapons will do it) and WIPE OUT those stupid bees that
have been killing you within the first few seconds EVERY OTHER TIME you
played this game!!  YEAH!!  Doesn't it feel GREAT???  Oh, remember to throw
the plasma at exactly a 61-degree angle (taking the planet's wind into
account, of course) or else it won't work.

    Milliseconds later, the next enemy approaches:  an entire herd of
diabolical, diabetic, diamond-plated Draculas with diarrhea!!  Oh no!!!  But
their evil sugar fixations and bloody stools are no match for your CHEAT
MODE POWER.  In this case, weapon number 3128 (poisonous feather-duster) is
the most effective one to use -- WHAP!!  The entire legion of disgusting
creatures is annihilated instantly.

    Continue on like this, letting the enemies approach, and then using
the right weapon, until you reach the Dark Tower.  Uncle Fester from "The
Addams Family" will let you in, bathe you, and give you the first Key.  You
need to collect all the Keys in preparation for the final battle against
BLAZEMONGER HIMSELF on the last level.  (See the manual, page 168, for more
information.)  This first one is the Key of Intense Gardening, which will
eventually allow you to escape the Vine of Wrathful Grapes on level 750.

    Carefully place the key in your Pouch Of All Things Considered, and
turn to face the staircase going upward.  Step on the first stair, a
trapdoor opens, and you fall...........  Stupid idiot -- NEVER step on the
first stair!!  To get up the staircase, use the following stairs in order:

        2, 3, 6, 7, 40, 2, 3, 6, 7, 40, 2, 3, 6, 7, 40, ...

It will seem like pointless repetition, but after the 16th time, the
staircase trap will be disabled, and you'll be able to climb the steps
normally.  EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST STAIR!!!  Listen, dood...  NEVER use the
first stair of a staircase in BLAZEMONGER, unless there is a Bonus Life on
it or a box of cheese bon-bons with fewer than 3 bon-bons uneaten.  (Except
on level 192, where the rule is reversed.)

    OK.  So now you're at the top of the stairs.  The corridor in front
of you appears to be infinitely long, lined with paintings of famous dead
people who have previously played your copy of BLAZEMONGER.  Well, guess
what?  The corridor IS infinitely long.  You won't die if you walk down it
(thanks to CHEAT MODE), but it is extremely boring.  Instead, drill a hole
in the floor immediately in front of you, and slide your body into the
hole.  Inexplicably, it is filled with liquid nitrogen, but don't worry --
you're in CHEAT MODE, so you don't have to solve this puzzle.  Just duck
your head and swim to the end of the tunnel.  (You'll have to kill a lot of
monsters on the way, but that is simple for you by now.)

    At the end of the tunnel, the liquid nitrogen spills over the edge
into a gigantic meat grinder.  DO NOT go into the meat grinder!!  For some
reason, even CHEAT MODE doesn't protect you here.  [If anybody figures out
why, please let me know!!]  Instead, balance yourself on the edge of the
meat grinder's blades (CAREFULLY...) and jump to the ground.  Now pull the
first lever you see -- it doesn't matter which one it is, as long as it's
the FIRST one you see.  Don't mess up here.  This lever disables a VERY
disgusting trap on level 88 that, even though it can't hurt you in cheat
mode, would have REALLY grossed you out.  It grosses me out just thinking
about it.  Those poor poodles.

    At this point, you should be just about next to the sign that says
"Level 2 this way ----->".  Ignore the arrow -- it's a lie (of course).
Tear down the sign and eat it.  NOW follow the direction that the arrow used
to point.  Keep a little bit of the sign in your mouth because you'll need it
in a few levels when you reach the Otter Keeper.

                W H E W !

    Well, that's all for this month's installment!!  Until next time,
DOODZ, Keep On BLAZIN'!!

DISCLAIMER:    These cheats apply only to the original BLAZEMONGER version
        1.00000000000.  Later versions are "cheat-protected" and are
        REALLY tough to get into.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: "Customer Service" (was Re: What exactly is the Gleeep Chipset?)
Summary: Lick anything that moves.
Keywords: rawhide, pencil, chainsaw
Date: 2 Aug 92 23:51:03 GMT

>[e-mail] () writes:
>: I have heard BlazeMonoger IX is the only OS & Application that comes
>: with the new A9000....

    "BlazeMonoger?"  That sounds like a nose disease.  Disgusting.

>I'm sure Dan will send Customer Service to give you an... update.

    BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED's "Customer Service" department (written in
double quotes for... uh... "legal reasons") is always glad to help out.
Need an update?  For free?  Of any program in the WORLD?  Just call us!  Of
course, we wouldn't DREAM of accusing you of PIRATING the program.  No, we
will be more than happy to provide you with the "services" that you
DESERVE.  Yes, any FREELOADER SCUM who calls us and BEGS or PLEADS for
assistance will be answered SWIFTLY, ACCURATELY, and VIOLENTLY.  In fact,
you might as well just stick your TONGUE into an ELECTRICAL OUTLET RIGHT NOW
and save yourself the cost of the telephone call.

    BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service."

        Available 7 hours a day, 24 days per week.
        Call troll-free:  1-900-EAT-MUCUS

    BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service."

        Even if you never call us, we might beat you up anyway.

    BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service."

        It's not just a job.
        It's a death sentence.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.misc
Subject: BM for the whole family (was Re: "Family Values"...& vulgar stuff)
Date: 2 Oct 92 17:38:43 GMT

>>>I think there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for swearing in a utility... program. A de
>>There is just NO need for you to get so ruffled just because some
>>programmer decided to use certain words...
>People also sh*t.  That doesn't mean they have to do it in public...
etc etc etc.

    Due to massive public demand, BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED is proud
to present the all-new FAMILY-VALUES EDITION of BLAZEMONGER.

    "BLAZEMONGER, THE FAMILY-VALUES EDITION" sports the Good Gamekeeping
Seal of Approval and contains none of the swear words, vulgarities,
innuendos, disembowelings, amputations, nude pygmies, rabid housepets,
enormous genitals, and other RUDE and DIRTY objects that you have come to
love and expect in the original BLAZEMONGER.

    "BLAZEMONGER, THE FAMILY-VALUES EDITION" is now shitting, um, I mean
SHIPPING.... oops!  (Sorry about that, FV-fans!)  Butt you can breast assured
that no such errors will crap up in the program disk!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: BLAZEMONGER and SEX (was Re: NO MORE BIMBO ADS!!)
Summary: A perfect combination!
Keywords: caramel vindaloo
Date: 28 Oct 92 04:45:56 GMT

>[e-mail] (Stephenson Daniel A) writes:
>>So what's wrong with babes in computer ads?  It just shows computers are as
>>popular as custom pickup trucks and suped-up classic cars...  ;)

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Eric Lane Beyer) writes:
>The difference is that you aren't very likely to see a man in a g-string
>sitting and modeling in front of a clone, trying to look sexy while his
>female boss hands him reports to type up.

    I'm happy to announce that BLAZEMONGER has *exactly* the scene
Eric describes above.  Unlike 99.9% of the computer games on the market
today, BLAZEMONGER is COMPLETELY non-gender-biased.  We have male
monsters, female monsters, NEUTERED monsters, HERMAPHRODITE monsters,
TWO-HEADED monsters in ALL POSSIBLE COMBINATIONS, and giant, DROOLING,
CARNIVOROUS, DISEMBODIED GENITALS that chase your character RELENTLESSLY
from SCREEN TO SCREEN!!!!

    In addition, the user is free to choose between "hero" characters of
all sexes, heights, weights, SPECIES, and POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS.  Want
to see Ross Perot MESSILY DEVOURED by ANIMATED MUTANT TOILET PLUNGERS??
This is the GAME FOR YOU!!

    Now, some of you are probably wondering where Eric's "man in a
G-string" scene appears in BLAZEMONGER, not to mention what the HECK it's
DOING there.  <SPOILER ALERT!!>  On level 74,209, just before you dive naked
down the giant sandpaper slide (oooeeee, that hurts!!), pull the 64th metal
lever.  A pit opens up below you, and you fall into a rather
ordinary-looking New York office building.  This is where "Mr. G-String" and
his female boss attack you with bent paper clips and poison white-out.
("Tipex" for you Europeans. :-))  SHE has a Ph.D. in Management Science from
Harvard; HE bought HIS graduation diploma by MAIL ORDER.  (Look closely at
the lettering, and you'll see his degree is in "Body Lint Construction.")

    Watch in 1993 for "BLAZEMONGER: THE POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION",
in which we feed babies and televangelists to rabid weasels.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: Amiga sightings and other things BLAZEMONGER-y
Date: 11 Nov 92 04:16:06 GMT


[Someone whose name has been lost to the mists of time sez...]
>>>Well, I failed to recognize the hidden talisman on level 56,703 of
>>>BLAZEMONGER, and now my k,n and q keys are permanently disabled.

    Just buy a new computer, and the problem will go away.  Simple!

>Quoth [e-mail] (Gerald G. Washington):
>> I have yet to try BLAZEMONGER--I don't think my old A500 could take it.

    Don't worry about it.  The outer casing will heat up a little,
but as long as you don't touch it, or put it on top of anything (like
a desk, etc.) there's no problem.

>> (Although I hear that a computer is not actually needed to play...)

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Jeffrey Grimmett 9999) writes:
>This is true.  Almost any household appliance will work.  However, I have
>found a bug.  Be very careful around the kitchen appliances.  I tried using
>it in a toaster and it got confused looking for the "newKikiEffects"
>hardware register and welll....
>
>well, the eyebrows are growing back pretty evenly, so no big deal.

    People, people... don't call it a BUG unless (A) you are ABSOLUTELY
SURE, (B) you can REPRODUCE the problem consistently, and (C) you ENJOY
being torn apart by the "Customer Service" attack otters.

    If you would stop SNIVELING for a minute and turn to page mmxvii of
the Preface in your BLAZEMONGER Guidebook, you'll see that it states QUITE
CLEARLY that you should "never, never, NEVER attempt to run BLAZEMONGER on a
kitchen appliance unless you are prepared to suffer the consequences."  Even
the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS at BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED cannot anticipate all
the bugs and flaws hidden in your toaster, electric cheese de-icer,
knockwurst inflater, or other forbidden products lurking in your home.

    Also, to quote from the warranty, chapter LXI, section 19.2:

        "Only BLAZEMONGER-approved appliances should be placed
        within a 20-kilometer radius of the BLAZEMONGER game disk.
        The ONLY approved appliances are:  Commodore Amiga computers
        and peripherals, "Model T" automobiles, electric circular
        saw blades of at least twelve thousand meters in diameter,
        and "My Little Pony" dolls with the heads ripped off.

        "Placing any non-approved appliances in the vicinity may
        cause unpredictable (well, unpredictable to YOU) game
        behavior, strange weather patterns, nuclear fallout, and/or
        the end of the universe as we know it.  And, God forbid, if
        you actually attempt to LOAD the executable image into a
        non-approved appliance, it might do something REALLY nasty."

In other words, be glad it was your EYEBROWS and not your NOOKERS, lad.

    I hope this little reminder will help a few other BLAZEMONGER owners
avoid a terrible mistake.  Remember:  it is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT, to
play BLAZEMONGER.  (See chapter 912 of the Guidebook for details.)  If
you ABUSE the privilege, BLAZEMONGER might abuse YOU!  So just be nice,
enjoy the game, and don't try any FUNNY STUFF with your executable.

    (Um.... Well, there is ONE non-approved appliance that, when
BLAZEMONGER is loaded into it, begins spewing out solid gold coins.  But
don't try to find out which one.  It's too dangerous.)

    (Heh heh.)

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.programmer,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Bobby B. from BLAZEMONGER brags about banging the BIOS
Summary: OS vs BS
Keywords: gekko
Date: 30 Nov 92 03:35:44 GMT

    During the last few weeks, this newsgroup has seen a long
discussion on the merits of "hardware banging" versus programming using the
operating system.  Should Commodore release the AGA internal specs?  Is
hardware banging good or bad?  What secret messages are found, encrypted,
at hardware address $00B8D666?  (I'm not telling!)

    Since I'm, uh..., "associated" with a company that makes its living
banging the heck out of the Amiga hardware -- BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED, for
all you USELESS DWEEBS who don't know yet -- I made copies of all the recent
postings and mailed them to the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS who live deep in the
fiery bowels of the company.  (Hmmm... "fiery bowels"... I like the sound
of that.)

    Anyway, BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED's chief programmer was *very*
amused by all this, and he has some tips and insights to share with you
all.  I was lucky enough to catch him between hacking sessions and do a
brief interview which is presented below.  But first, a little history.

    Bobby Blazebleeder has been with the company since waaaaay back
when it first crawled up from the slime, and he's been hacking for longer
than anyone else I know -- a real child prodigy.  Even before he was born,
Bobby cleverly convinced his pregnant mother to swallow an entire UNIVAC
mainframe so he could code demos.  This bizarre yet admirable act was no
doubt a major factor in Bobby's unique ability to merge unbelievable
programming with extreme violence.

    At age 3, Bobby received his Ph.D. in Nuclear Computation from the
Harvard Stanford School of Advanced Psychosis in Chickenmilk, Wisconsin.
A bored child, Bobby floated from job to job, amazing and terrifying
people wherever he went.  It was common for him to write an entire
operating system before breakfast.  He turned out computer games by the
thousand, most of which have now sadly vanished into obscurity:  "Killer
Prunes from Neptune", "Lesbian Babysitter's Revenge", "Bunny Blaster",
"Drink My Urine Or Else", and other lost classics.

    Bobby's work did not go unnoticed.  Just before he turned fourteen,
Bobby was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless contributions to
the art of computer programming.  Unfortunately, the prize was later
revoked when the Nobel panel discovered that Bobby liked to pry off the
heads of live goats with a spoon.  Disillusioned, Bobby swore off
programming forever, moved to Europe, and became one of the continent's top
fashion models.  Old-timers on USENET might remember the controversial
issue of ENGLISH SOPHISTICATE which featured Bobby on the cover, wearing
nothing but a floppy disk, covered with mutilated weasels, bearing the
caption "The Next Pope?" The issue was quickly banned in 97 countries, but
copies can still occasionally be found circulating in the underground, or
in the hands of collectors.

    Bobby might have stayed in modeling forever, if it had not been
for a classified advertisement he saw in an obscure newsletter:

        +-------------------------------------------------------+
        | "Ultimate hacker needed immediately.  Must have    |
        | superior coding skills and violent personality.    |
        | Fashion experience a plus.  NO DWEEBS.  No telephone    |
        | calls nor resumes accepted.  REAL programmers KNOW    |
        | where to find us."                    |
        +-------------------------------------------------------+

    Needless to say, Bobby had no trouble tracking us down.  We were
impressed with his astounding programming ability and unstable character.
He was impressed with our goals:  to create the FASTEST and most
MIND-BLOWING computer game ever.  Oh, and violent. VERY violent.  As you
might guess by his name, Bobby Blazebleeder was one of the driving forces
that made this dream a reality:  BLAZEMONGER.  The rest is history.

    So, now that you know all about Bobby -- his life, his loves, and
his lunacy -- here is the text of a brief interview I did last week to find
out his opinions on the Amiga hardware banging controversy.

========
Dan:    Bobby, thanks for taking the time to talk to the folks from USENET.

Bobby:    Hey, my pleasure.

Dan:    Bobby, what do you think of all this hardware-banging talk?  Why
    is everyone suddenly so interested?

Bobby:    Well, Dan, it's very simple.  You see it's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
    HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <KKRASH>

Dan:    Bobby, please put down that crowbar... please...

Bobby:    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!  [smashes the lamp]

Dan:    Um, perhaps a different question...

Bobby:    [demolishes a nearby brick wall]  CONSTANTINOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY
    IS EVERYONE FROM CONSTANTINOPLE?!?!?!??!  IN WHALES????!??!???
    HUNGA HUNGA HUNGA HUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Dan:    Er...

Bobby:    RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    RRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG mainly because Commodore has released the new
    "AGA" machines without providing full documentation on how they
    work internally.  [Wipes some brick particles and drool off his
    3-piece suit.]     Until now, the hacker community had CBM's "Hardware
    Reference Manual", but now they feel lost.

Dan:    What do you think of Commodore's decision not to release an AGA
    Hardware Manual to the general public?

Bobby:    I think it's a good decision for several reasons.  First of all,
    REAL programmer's don't need Commodore's WIMPY manuals in the
    first place, so it doesn't hurt us at all.  Hell, we don't even
    need the COMPUTERS.  Lock ANYONE from our team in a closet with no
    manuals, no computer, and no equipment of any kind, and in 15
    minutes or less he or she will have a COMPLETE spec document
    written about the whole system, just by sheer HACKING POWER.
    Of course, the other team members don't NEED this document at
    all anyway, but it's fun to do it just for laughs.

    Second, having no manuals means less competition for us.  All those
    PSEUDO-HACKHEADS with their WORTHLESS disassemblers and INSIPID
    programming skills will CRY FOR MOMMY and quit the market.  Poor
    babies.

    But the final, BEST reason that it's good is because the hardware
    manuals are all WRONG, or at least MISLEADING.  They tell you to
    poke a value in a particular address -- say, $FFC0 -- when it's
    almost always faster to poke a different address.  I'm not saying
    that Commodore is keeping things secret from us; rather, they don't
    realize the power of their own machine.  I mean, did you know that
    if you apply exactly 935.778 volts onto pin 5 of the serial port,
    the VBSTOP and SPR0PTH registers exchange their data, and standing
    waves are produced in the joystick cable?  Do you think this kind
    of crap is documented in the manual?  Forget it!

Dan:    Yow... how the heck do you discover things like that??

Bobby:    Well, Dan, I don't want to brag or anything, but this kind of
    stuff is child's play for people who have been in the business
    as long as I have.  I mean, I discovered that particular trick
    years ago.  It was obvious from the way the Amiga is constructed.
    I mean... look at the outer casing.  Lick the CIA chips.  You can
    just FEEL this stuff.  You know?

Dan:    What do you think about the AGA chipset?  Are you impressed?

Bobby:    Yeah, they're great!  It's the coolest chipset on the planet!
    Especially all the hidden modes.

Dan:    Hidden modes?

Bobby:    Yeah, hidden modes.

    [silence]

Dan:    I, uh, take it you're not going to tell our readers about the hidden
    modes.

Bobby:    You're a smart guy.

Dan:    OK, next topic.  Is it true that assembly language is faster than
    C, in general?

Bobby:    I'm not going to answer that because the whole argument is pointless.
    BOTH languages are DEAD SLOW as far as I'm concerned.  It's like
    the choice between a dead snail and a snail that's merely maimed.
    Back at    Rancho Destructo [the programmers' nickname for the basement
    of BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED's headquarters] we have created our own
    specialized languages for the ULTIMATE in speed.  We now have
    languages so efficient that we can get several hundred instructions
    executing in the same time as *one* assembly language instruction.

Dan:    That's pretty impressive.

Bobby:    Yeah, well, some professor guy from a nearby university didn't
    believe us about it and wanted to see our implementation.  We
    referred him to BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service" and he stopped
    calling.

Dan:    Do you have any advice for up-and-coming programmers who want
    to be just like you?

Bobby:    Sure.  First, try EVERYTHING.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Make a program
    that writes every conceivable combination of values into all of
    memory, and watch what happens.  Connect your ports to your other
    ports.  Rip the computer apart and put it back together backwards.
    Insert unusual objects into the disk drive.  This is the ONLY way
    to get to know your machine... and you've GOT to know it INSIDE
    AND OUT before you write ANYTHING non-trivial.

    Second, no matter how busy you are, spend a lot of time daydreaming.
    You can think about anything:  sex, video games, sexy video games,
    chainsaws, nuclear explosions, funerals, knitting needles stuck
    into your eyeballs, headless goats, or whatever.  Anything!  The
    important thing is to KEEP YOUR IMAGINATION ACTIVE so you stay
    creative.

    And third:  work as a fashion model for a few years.  Modeling
    opens up ideas and worlds that you would otherwise never know
    existed.  I don't think I could have written BLAZEMONGER's low-level
    monster scheduling routines without a firm background in men's
    undergarments.

Dan:    Bobby, thanks for your time.

Bobby:    Blaze on, dood.
========

    There it is, directly from the source... our own Bobby Blazebleeder
and his thoughts on programming excellence.  I hope you enjoyed the
interview and learned something from it.  I know I sure did:  to stand
farther back when interviewing a psychotic superhacker!

    [Followups to c.s.a.advocacy.]

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
Article 37405 of comp.sys.amiga.advocacy:
Path: dime!barrett
From: [e-mail] (BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service")
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.applications,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: MONTHLY POSTING: The BLAZEMONGER Application List, 12/92
Summary: List of compatible utility programs and funky chickenware
Keywords: stoat, thimble, alabaster
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 9 Dec 92 22:52:45 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Reply-To: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Followup-To: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Organization: BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED
Lines: 236
Xref: dime comp.sys.amiga.applications:10813 comp.sys.amiga.advocacy:37405


             THE  BLAZEMONGER  APPLICATION  LIST
               (for Commodore Amiga computers)

           Maintained by BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED's
               "Customer Service" Department
               Last Updated: December 9, 1992
                   19,841 products listed!

INTRODUCTION

    This is a list of third-party products for the Commodore Amiga that
have direct support for communicating with BLAZEMONGER, the FASTEST and MOST
AWESOME computer game ever invented!!  Using these programs, you can
interact with BLAZEMONGER in ways that you never dreamed possible.  New
MONSTERS!  New CAPABILITIES!  New PERSONAL INJURY!  It gets better and
better.

    Of course, REAL BLAZEMONGER PLAYERS don't NEED any STUPID interface
programs.  They can make BLAZEMONGER do WHATEVER THEY WANT almost
EFFORTLESSLY.  But for the REST of you DWEEBS, here are your CRUTCHES.

    The BLAZEMONGER Application List is *not* to be considered commercial
advertising for BLAZEMONGER.  We provide this information as a public service
for the billions of registered BLAZEMONGER users on USENET.  So when you see
the game described as INCREDIBLE, AMAZING, MIND-BLOWING, and all for the
low, low price of just $9.95 (US), you can rest assured that these are
simply FACTS and not marketing hype.

    If you have never heard of BLAZEMONGER before, you may safely
skip the rest of this article.  In fact, don't even read the stuff above.
Hell, you might as well just go home for the day and play whatever INFERIOR,
WIMPO GAMES on which you are wasting your precious life.


DISTRIBUTION

    This document may be FREELY DISTRIBUTED according to the following
simple conditions:

    (1)    No part of this document may be distributed for profit.
    (2)    No part of this document may be distributed on Tuesdays, nor
        by anyone whose last name contains the letter 'o'.
    (3)    No part of this document may be distributed.

    If you would like to distribute this list by some other method not
falling under conditions (1), (2) and (3), contact the BLAZEMONGER "Customer
Service" Department and we'll, um, "discuss" it.


HOW TO READ THE LIST

    Look at the SCREEN, IDIOT, and read from left to right, and from top
to bottom.  Sheesh.  What do you expect?!?  Get a LIFE.


=============================================================================
                THE LIST
=============================================================================

Product name:        BLAZEMONGER
Product version:    666
Product type:        THE ULTIMATE GAME
Author:            BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED
Contact:        [e-mail]
Status:            godlike
Port name:        BLAZEMONGER
Number of commands:    Infinite
Executes scripts by:    Brainwaves, joystick
Notes:            Get real.

Product name:        BLT
Product version:    5.576
Product type:        TELECOMMUNICATIONS, LUNCH PLANNING
Author:            Silly Slangfeld
Status:            cholesterol-freeware
Notes:            Allows multiple Amigas to be networked for
            multi-player, multi-dimensional BLAZEMONGING and
            multi-layer sandwich making.

Product name:        Chocolate Syrup and German Shepherds
Product version:    69
Product type:        KINKY ADD-ONS
Author:            Larry Lecherous
Status:            sexware
Port name:        <censored>
Notes:            Is BLAZEMONGER not sexy enough for you?  Then run
            this program "in the background" during play and
            watch the SURPRISING results!!

Product name:        Deluxe Faint
Product version:    4.1
Product type:        LAST-RESORT SAFETY TRICK
Author:            Electronic Arthritis
Status:            peasant
Notes:            Causes your BLAZEMONGER character to faint, hoping
            that the monsters will not notice him/her.  (It
            doesn't work, of course.)

Product name:        Emplant
Product version:    0.0000000000000000000037
Product type:        EMULATOR
Author:            Utilities Unlimited
Status:            good question!
Notes:            New BLAZEMONGER interface expected any day now.
            Promises 100% compatibility, hard drive installation,
            accelerated speed, and a price of less than 14 cents.

Product name:        High Society
Product version:    3.14159
Product type:        HIGH-SCORE AUTO-POSTER
Author:            Radarsoft
Status:            massive
Number of commands:    1 ("Brag")
Executes scripts by:    Appearance of "GAME OVER" screen
Notes:            Automatically post your BLAZEMONGER high scores
            to all BBS's within a 1500 kilometer radius, complete
            with boastful flames.

Product name:        ImageTaster
Product version:    9.21
Product type:        SCREEN LICKER
Author:            Black Tongue Products
Status:            nutritious
Executes scripts by:    measuring saliva content
Notes:            If sight and sound are not enough, add taste to your
            BLAZEMONGER games with this astounding product.
            Includes "texture" module for realistic hair, fur,
            plate mail, scales, etc.  Warning:  not recommended
            for people who are easily grossed out.

Product name:        MonsterMeister
Product version:    1.0
Product type:        MONSTER CONTROL ALGORITHMS
Author:            Harry Horror Software
Status:            scary
Port name:        MonsterMeisterMasterMapper
Number of commands:    256
Notes:            Substitute your own monster behavior for BLAZEMONGER
            creatures or your close friends & relatives.

Product name:        MorphMinus
Product type:        WEAPON MORPHING
Author:            ASDFGHJKL; Incorporated
Contact:        pk-asdfghjkl;@com.portal.cup
Status:            always changing
Number of commands:    8273
Executes scripts by:    pulling the lever
Free goats included?:    YES
Notes:            Change your character and/or weapons into any of
            hundreds of different forms.

Product name:        Shadow of the Beef
Product version:    III
Product type:        VERY WIMPY GAME
Author:            Psychosis
Contact:        Acme Meats, Ltd.
Status:            pathetic
Supported peripherals:    Steak, bologna, goat
Notes:            Avoid the killer lunchmeat and save the cow princess
            from the clutches of the Vile Vegetarian.  Great for
            playing when BLAZEMONGER has you too depressed to
            continue.

Product name:        Slime City
Product type:        SIMULATOR
Author:            Maxipads
Notes:            Semi-authentic BLAZEMONGER simulator.  For people
            who can't take the real thing.  No real danger.
            Perfect for elderly or weak personalities.

Product name:        Terror On Toast
Product version:    0.003
Product type:        VIDEO TOASTER INTERFACE
Author:            NewDreck
Status:            Commercial.  Totally.  Expensive too.
Notes:            Connect the Video Toaster (TM) to BLAZEMONGER.
            Allows wipes, fades, slimes, messy explosions,
            flying bodily parts, etc.  Warning:  Toaster may
            heat up during use.  Turn off computer and wait
            several days before touching.

Product name:        Wimp Hints
Product version:    1992
Product type:        BLAZEMONGER HINTBOOK
Author:            Wally Wimpout
Contact:        Wally's mother's house
Status:            wimpy
Notes:            All the hints are WRONG

Product name:        ...

[NOTE:  Due to some spineless jerk who complained about the MASSIVE SIZE of
this list, we have deleted over 19,000 entries.  We hope you are HAPPY NOW,
you SCUM.  If you would like to receive a free copy of the complete List, it
is available by anonymous ftp from "etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf" (12.84.987.16).]

=============================================================================
                END OF LIST
=============================================================================

CONTRIBUTING TO THIS LIST

    If you have any corrections or additions to this list, please
send them by electronic mail to:

    [e-mail]

Be sure to tell us your name, address, annual salary, and the hours that you
are not at home.


SPECIAL THANKS

    Thanks, dood.


OBLIGATORY LEGAL DISCLAIMER

    Everything in this document is 100% correct.  If you have some kind
of problem with this, TOO BAD.  You OBVIOUSLY did something wrong, and we
hope you SUFFER HORRIBLY for it.  Don't MESS with us.  If you think our
"Customer Service" Department is rough, wait until you meet our "Legal"
Department.  So GET LOST, BISON BREATH.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.


Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: WHERE THE HELL ARETHE 2.0 ROMS FOR THE 2000 AND 500? Mars???
Keywords: BLAZEMONGER II has 900 MHz screen updates


    Where are the 2.0 ROMs?  Simple -- I have them.  All of them.  I've
had them since CBM started making them 4 years ago.  Yes, it's true:  2.0
has been finished for FOUR YEARS.  Developers have been shipped old versions
(cleverly named things like "2.04") to throw you off the track.

    Why is Commodore lying to you?  Because they HATE THEIR CUSTOMERS.
In fact, every morning at precisely 9:00am, all CBM employees stand at
attention and perform "Customer Hate" exercises, such as tearing up
warrantee cards and flinging live weasels through plate-glass windows.
Nobody is really sure what the weasels are for, but it somehow sets the mood
JUUUUST right.

    But I have decided to violate my non-disclosure agreement (shhhh) to
tell you these important facts.  Hell, here's another fact:  2.0 will NEVER
be available for the Amiga 400.  What?  You didn't even know there was going
to be an Amiga 400?  It's got an 6800 CPU, 1 KB RAM, 50 KB external hard
drive, 4,618,911 joystick ports (perfect for playing the latest version of
BLAZEMONGER), and a new technological breakthrough:  "reinterlaced" video,
for people who own 2 VCR's.

    Now, don't you feel better?

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

ps:    printf(stdcomedy,  "\007%s\n",  ":-)");

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 4 Apr 91
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Please help me decide

Dear Amiga fans:

    Please help me decide how to spend my money!  I am considering
getting an Amiga 3000UX because I think it's a really cool machine.  But
lately, I've been thinking that it would be better to buy a new stereo
system, or maybe some real estate.  Could somebody please tell me the
advantages and disadvantages of each?  Please POST your answers because I am
sure lots of people have the same question.

    Also, I want to start programming the Amiga, and I would like to
know which language is best.  Is assembly language really useless, or what?
And does C suck?  Once again, please post all your answers.

    In case you are interested... my first programming project will be a
"clock" that displays the time in the right hand corner of the Workbench
screen.  On lots of advice from the Net, I've decided that my program should
kill the OS and take over the machine.  All the other clock programs I've
seen are just too slow -- they take an entire SECOND to update the display!
Go straight to the metal, that's what I always say.

    Oh yeah, another question:  why isn't there a new Amiga chipset
yet?  I swear, if General Electric can bring out a new refrigerator model
every 6 months, why can't Commodore?  Maybe they should spend more money.
Or save more money.  Or both.  Anyway, I know what I'm talking about because
my uncle took a marketing course once.

    Finally, I missed the most recent NeXT vs. Amiga flame war.  Could
somebody please repost all of the articles?

    Thanks!

                            Dan

*******************************************************
* Appendix A of the Amiga Hardware Manual contains    *
* secret devil-worship messages, and many episodes of *
* "The Partridge Family", if you look hard enough!    *
*******************************************************

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The ULTIMATE wildcard (was Re: Wildcards in the CLI)
Date: 14 May 91 01:03:58 GMT

    To all you complainers about Amiga wildcards:  Is "#?" too hard to
type?  Does "*" have too many conflicting meanings?  Do you secretly yearn
for "*.*" but fear that your friends will hate you?  (Well... I can't help
you with that last one. :-))

    The solution is here!  I have written an input handler called
STAR-NAPALM that makes wildcard typing easier than anything you have EVER
seen before.

    What does it do?  It maps the empty string as the AmigaDOS wildcard
character!  So, whenever you need a wildcard, you don't have to type
ANYTHING AT ALL!  What could be simpler?!?

    I've taken star-naplam.handler, as supplied with BLAZEMONGER MXVIX
(betcha didn't know we used the OS, did you?), and placed it into the Public
Domain.  You can find it on finer ftp sites everywhere.  Just give the empty
string as your login name and password, and the handler will be automatically
downloaded to your Amiga, installed in your L: directory (its filename will
be an empty string, of course), appended to your startup-sequence, and then
run!  The ultimate in convenience.

    As a test to make sure it is working, try the following CLI command:

        1>  dir

As the invisible wildcard expands, it will match every file in the current
directory.

    Now, some of you whiners may complain that star-napalm is dangerous.
Well, we built in a special SAFETY FEATURE to prevent unwanted expansions.
If you ever accidentally type just the wildcard by itself:

        1>

then star-napalm automatically ignores the command.

    Well, that's it!  No need to thank me -- I've already done it
myself. :-) :-)

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 9 Jun 91 16:23:43 GMT
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: W...W...Worried about the Future Of Amiga
Keywords: BLAZEMONGER LXXIV has only 0.6 mg tar, 0.2 mg cpio

    From reading the messages in this newsgroup recently, I have become
very worried about the Future Of The Amiga.  VERY worried. In fact, I've
begun hiding in my bedroom closet for several hours a day -- that's how
worried I am.  My doctor says I should take a vacation.  But I digress.

    Anyway, here are some things that the Amiga ABSOLUTELY NEEDS in
order to survive in today's brutal and innovative computer market.  If it
doesn't have ALL of them within the next 7 days, Commodore will go bankrupt,
the sky will fall, and little orange toasters will appear inside your nose.

(1)    A NEW CHIPSET

    Without a new chipset, I can definitely say, with all authority and
    confidence, that the Amiga will have the old chipset.  This may come
    as a surprise, but I guarantee that it is true.

(2)    DEVICE-INDEPENDENT GRAPHICS

    It is vitally important that Commodore find a way to make graphics
    totally independent of their display device.  In fact, the Amiga
    should be able to display top-quality graphics in the total ABSENCE
    of hardware.  Take away the device, and the picture should still be
    visible!

    I have noticed that when I stare at a bright light for a long time
    and then look away, I can still see the afterimage, even though the
    light is gone.  If I can do it, why can't Commodore?

(3)    NETWORKING

    The Amiga is a social computer.  It should be possible for our
    Amigas to get out of the house once in a while, gather at
    conventions, and meet each other.  The contacts that they make
    might be important to their futures; after all, improper contacts
    in an electrical device can cause it to malfunction.

    If you don't want your computers leaving the house, you can always
    ground your PALs.

(4)    INTERLACED VIDEO

    Face it:  flickering video reminds me of tuna fish.  No, I don't
    know why, but it is DEFINITELY a problem.

    The current A2320 display enhancer and other "flickerFixer" devices
    are TOTALLY inadequate.  After all, deep down in your heart, you
    still KNOW that the video signal is flickering away... even if you
    can't SEE it.

    A total solution is to get rid of video entirely.  After removing
    all the internal circuitry from the monitor, Commodore should send
    an employee to your house to entertain you with hand puppets.

(5)    REDUCED PRICES

    In order to attract new customers, Commodore should start giving
    away Amigas for free.  Personally, if a computer company gave me
    a free computer, I would run out immediately and buy one!  This is
    the kind of loyalty Commodore needs to generate.

    BTW, I don't understand all this publicity recently about Commodore's
    educational discos.  IMHO, Commodore is a computer company whose
    resources are probably NOT best used for dance instruction.
    I know that multimedia is important and all, but still....

(6)    CHANGE THE COMPANY NAME

    By now, everybody associates the name "Commodore" with "game
    machine", or at least "machine".  To be taken more seriously, it's
    time for CBM to change its name to something more attention-getting
    and powerful.  I suggest "Testosterone."

(8)    FOOD

    Yes, food.  I think that every Amiga sold should come with a free
    pizza.  I get hungry while hacking.  Get with it, Commodore.

(194)    LARGE BLOCKS OF CHEESE CARVED IN THE SHAPE OF A MOLLUSK

    Hey, if we can put a man on the moon, why not?

    I hope that Commodore and the Amiga Community think hard about the
above suggestions.  Any reasonable company should be able to solve these
problems in a matter of hours for about $12.95!  Really!!

    I welcome discussion on these important issues.  If you follow up
to this posting, please use the Subject line "NeXT vs. Amiga" so everybody
will read it carefully.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 18 Jun 91 20:45:40 GMT
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Re: Amiga basher

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Ray Cromwell) writes:
>In the spirit of Dan and Marc,

    Look, just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have
the same SPIRIT! :-)

>COLORMONGER can display ANY color in the entire ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUM!
>COLORMONGER refreshes at SEVEN-HUNDRED-AND-FIFTY-THOUSAND GIGAHERTZ!
>[other slanderous statements]

    Hey, buddy, haven't you ever heard of LOOK AND FEEL??  That's MY
posting style!!!  It's trademarked, patented, copyrighted, and copy
PROTECTED!  I'm gonna sue, I'm gonna sue....

    Jeez, next thing you know, somebody will start posting articles
with the look & feel of other USENETers.  Can you imagine:

?    "I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  if Commodore doesn't
    produce a 25-bit chipset immediately, they won't stand a chance
    against the new Japanese game machine."

?    "Yup, you are nearly correct.  The 68040 cache disables the VPL
    interrupt several nanoseconds before the beam hits the disk.  It
    doesn't need to go to the bus."

?    "X is a bloated pig that deserves to die.  My old 3B1 moves windows
    faster."

?    "Why buy an A3000UX for $5000 when you can get a NeXT for $3000?
    It's clearly the superior machine in all respects."

?    "HEY DOODZ LIKE KNOW ANY PIRATE BOARDZ???"

?    "BADGE (Bay Area Amiga Developers' GroupE) will host its July 1997
    meeting at 7:30pm in the SLAC Main Auditorium.  The featured speaker
    will be Dr. Ray Cromwell discussing his COLORMONGER Card Mark XII."

?    "but thats not what I meant!
    In asembler you do not use the jmp without first mov sr,ea!"

?    "*** I want games that look like Madonna but play like an old,
    scratchy, 78 rpm record. ***"

?    "Captain!  The Marketroids are closing in!"

?    "Responding to the following:

    'The Macintosh reminds me of tuna fish.'

    Where did you hear this?  It's not true at all.  In fact, the Mac's
    new 7.0 priority scheduler makes it much more like halibut."

?    "No idiot in his right mind would use the Amiga OS source code to
    break the rules.  In fact, the rules break the Amiga OS source code.
    Or something like that."

?    "Please throw out your OS disassembly and use only the RKM's.
    Also, throw out all of your software and use only the manuals that
    came with it.  If there wasn't a manual at all, then you should
    not have bought the program."

?    "Even since my grand reorganization,
    these groups are still too big!
    I'd prefer only one or two
    articles per day.
    And maybe only
    one word
    per
    line."

So PLEASE everybody, let's avoid this kind of horror by posting in our OWN,
DISTINCT STYLES.  Otherwise, somebody's gonna get flamed.

    And it will probably be me! :-)

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett, Department of Computer Science      Johns Hopkins University |
| INTERNET:   [e-mail]           |                                |
| COMPUSERVE: >internet:[e-mail] | UUCP:   [e-mail]    |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The real truth about "memory protection" (was Re: Memory Protection)
Date: 22 Jul 91 03:12:39 GMT


    This discussion of memory protection is very interesting.  Very,
VERY interesting.

    Especially because the Amiga already HAS memory protection.

    Yes, you heard me right.  The Amiga already has memory protection.

    Your programs don't have to crash each other anymore!  No more
gurus!  No more accidents!  In fact, no more frying your 8520's or dropping
heavy weights on top of your monitor!  COMPLETE SAFETY!

    But memory protection doesn't come with the base OS.  You have to
buy it separately.  Just head down to your local dealer and look for the
package marked...

                 M A F I A D O S

Yes, MafiaDOS, the ULTIMATE in memory protection!  MafiaDOS watches over
all of your running programs and make sure nothing, uh, "happens" to them.
I mean, all kinds of "accidents" could occur.  MafiaDOS keeps your
programs "safe."

    And all you have to do is send in $135/month (U.S.) to the authors.
In return, each month you get the latest version of MafiaDOS which keeps your
programs "protected" for another 30 days.  If you get behind in your
payments, no problem!  We understand.  In fact, we are so understanding that
we'll even send you two ABSOLUTELY FREE programs called "Vito" and "Bruno"
that will "help" you to come up with the money.

    If you enjoy MafiaDOS's memory protection, then you'll be sure to
love its COPY protection feature.  Here's how it works.  Suppose you buy a
copy protected program, but the disk dies after several uses.  Don't panic!
Just insert the MafiaDOS disk in DF0: and the damaged disk in DF1:, and then
turn on your modem.  MafiaDOS will automatically dial up the distributors of
your dead program and "convince" them to send you a free replacement disk.
It's easy, it's fast, and it's painless.  Mostly.

    Finally, MafiaDOS provides complete VIRUS protection.  If you
unwittingly run a program that installs a virus on your disks, MafiaDOS
puts out a "contract" on the virus.  This causes all of your other programs
to hunt down and, uh, "remove" the virus from your computer.  The program
that actually "removes" the virus is rewarded by having its priority bumped
up to 5000.
    Afterwards, MafiaDOS even tracks down the original creators of the
virus and fills their floppy drives with cement.


    Yes, MafiaDOS -- the latest and greatest program from the creators
of BLAZEMONGER XVII.  Don't multitask without it.  Or else.

                        Dan

---
Dan Barrett (in transition; please note the new address!)
    E-mail,    now through July 31:    [e-mail]
        beginning August 1:    [e-mail]
        STOP USING NOW:        barrett@jhunix.......
Enjoy BLAZEMONGER:  Live it, love it, LOSE it!

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 2 Oct 91 15:10:17 GMT
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: CPU's in flames
Summary: It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's BLAZEMONGER!
Keywords: metope triglyph Doric frieze

>Re: Valid Hardware Comparisons?
>Re: Mac vs Amiga (was Re: Mac vs. Amiga)
>Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. 486 (was Re: Please STOP IT!!)
>Re: 486 vs. OS/2 (was Re: No more comparisons, PLEASE!!!)
>Re: Mac vs. Mac vs. Amiga vs. Mac (was Re: How do I make a KILL file?)
>Re: Amiga vs. Godzilla (was Re: Good reptile softwrae?)

    Welcome back, friends, for another episode of...

            AS THE CPU BURNS

the Amiga flamer community's favorite ongoing soap opera!

    But first, a word from our sponsor... heh heh...

    "AS THE CPU BURNS" is brought to you by BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED:
makers of fine games for self-destructive personalities.  Try BLAZEMONGER
today!  Then become HOPELESSLY ADDICTED, quit your JOB, and spend thousands
of dollars on SURGERY to have your EYEBALLS removed from the screen!!

    Now, back to the story!

    As you remember from last week, the Amiga was a total piece of crap
because it has no colors, blurry video, flakey hardware, buggy software, and
an incurable case of "Athlete's Mouse."  In a last-ditch attempt to make the
Amiga more visible, Commodore Marketing dug a big hole in the ground, filled
it with mud, and jumped in.  Critics called this a "bold move forward" and
were "cautiously optimistic" about the results.

    Meanwhile, in a town not far away, the Mac's System 7 was voted
"Best Operating System" by the Left-Handed Myopic High School Custodial
Society of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin.  Simultaneously, Steve Jobs announced
that the next NeXT computer will have a '486 processor and a new I/O system
made almost entirely of processed lunch meat.

    Also meanwhile, in a surprise move, IBM and Union Carbide teamed up
to create a new computer medium made entirely of chemical gases, eliminating
the need for disks and tapes.  This "Vaporware" (TM) reportedly will be
ready to ship "any day now."

    But some questions have STILL been left unanswered.  What's the best
computer to buy?  What's the best computer to RENT?  What's the best
computer to grind up and use as OINTMENT on a nasty burn?  Will the Amiga
ever catch up?  Does the Amiga taste good with ketchup?  How many NeXT's
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  How many Macs does it take to screw
up an operating system?  Are 24-bit graphics on the horizon, or will they be
replaced by a hefty bonk on the head?  Does the previous sentence have ANY
MEANING AT ALL??  Why don't we get World Peace as a free prize inside our
breakfast cereal?  Is BLAZEMONGER *fast*???!?!??  GET REAL!!  BLAZEMONGER is
SO AMAZINGLY, BLINDINGLY, ASTOUNDINGLY LIGHTNING-FAST THAT...  that...
hey!!  Tell our "sponsors" to keep their propaganda in their OWN POSTINGS!
[Sorry about that! - B. Inc.]

    And what of the Toaster?  Does it SUCK?  Should the president of
NewTek be dipped in boiling pig fat and thrown into a pit of cobras?  Will he
find Irving Gould sitting next to him????

    Tune in tomorrow (and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and
tomorrow, ...) to hear the same arguments over and OVER and OVER AND OVER
again!!!!!!!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
Date: 8 Oct 91 21:11:50 GMT
From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: A more efficient way to flame
Summary: BLAZEMONGER INC. strikes again!
Keywords: Flames great, less filling

    Boy, these "computer wars" sure take a lot of time!  I mean, I know
that everybody loves hearing why computer X is better than computer Y, but
think of all the EFFORT involved!  There are DOZENS of flamers working hard
to write LONG and ORIGINAL articles about issues that get argued OVER and
OVER again.  There MUST be a better way!

    There IS a better way!!

    [Rumble rumble]

    Introducing...

            P H R A S E M O N G E R

the FASTEST way to FLAME!

    Yes, PHRASEMONGER, the latest in a series of USEFUL yet HARMFUL
products from the creative cesspools of BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED.
PHRASEMONGER is so AMAZINGLY, MIND-NUMBINGLY FAST that it can flame EVERY
POSTER in the comp.sys.amiga hierarchy in mere SECONDS!  Even by E-MAIL!!

    Did somebody just post an article that you HATED?  Did the poster
tell LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, or just plain BULL??  Did it make you ANGRY?!?!?  Do
you want to POST THE MOST VICIOUS, DAMAGING FLAME IN THE HISTORY OF
ELECTRONIC MEDIA, TOTALLY DESTROYING THE REPUTATIONS OF THE IDIOT POSTER AND
HIS MOTHER AND PET DOGGIE FOR ALL ETERNITY??!!!?!??!?!?!

    Well, in that case, I suggest that you get serious psychological help
immediately!  But for the REST of us, PHRASEMONGER is a quick way to FLAME
without having to work hard.  After all, isn't that what computers are for?

    Simply feed the offending USENET article into PHRASEMONGER, click on
the appropriate intensity gadget ("Disagree", "Disagree Strongly", "Hate",
"Maim", "Kill Lightly", "Dismember", "Puree", or "REALLY Not Nice"), and let
the program go to work!  Instantly, a customized FLAME is ready for your
posting pleasure.

    For example, suppose that Joe Flamebait has posted the following
article:

        From: [e-mail]
        Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. Muhammed Ali
        Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.aversion

        In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail]
        writes:
        >Which should I buy?

        Buy a Mac.  It has a cute little trashcan.  Much better than
        the nasty NeXT "black hole."  And besides, I am such an
        expert on these two machines that I think I'll post it in an
        Amiga newsgroup so everybody can be enlightened.
        ---
        Joe Flamebait, [e-mail]
        No matter where you go, there's a stupid quote!

    Feed it to PHRASEMONGER, click on the "Half-Intensity" gadget, and
look what comes out!!

        From: <your name or pseudonym here>
        Subject: What a JERK (was Re: Re: Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. ...)
        Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.aversion,comp.sys.atari.st,
                sci.electronics,rec.humor,comp.binaries.ibm-pc,
                misc.books,rec.music.synth,alt.pictures.d
        Followup-To: comp.sys.mac,rec.arts.startrek,comp.unix.wizards

        In article <[e-mail]>, flamebait@deadbeef writes:
        >[totally ignorant ravings deleted]

        Mac?  MAC?!?  Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND!?!??!?  You OBVIOUSLY
        have NO IDEA what you're talking about!  The NeXT?!?  GET A
        LIFE!!  Both of these machines are INEPT at best, incapable
        even of picking the CORNS on my TOES.  And don't even
        *mention* Multifinder... oh, no.  What a JOKE.

        The Mac *belongs* in the very TRASH CAN that it displays.
        The NeXT should get SUCKED into a black hole itself.
        And you, Mr. Smarty-Pants, should be fed to rabid wolves.

        And next time, buddy, keep it in your OWN NEWSGROUP!!!
        ---
        <Your name or pseudonym here>

    Not bad, eh?  But that's not ALL!  You don't even have to give
PHRASEMONGER the original article!  Just type in a few key words or phrases,
and PHRASEMONGER will give you a perfect flame ANYWAY!

    Example 1:

        Input:    Apple, Irving Gould, CDTV
        Gadget:    "Maim"

        Output:    "You misbegotten Apple employees don't know what
            you're TALKING ABOUT!  This is TOTAL and UTTER
            BULLSHIT!!!  CDTV can run RINGS around the Mac IIfx
            ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!!  Get the HELL off of the NET!!!

                        Love,
                        Irving Gould"

    Example 2:

        Input:    asdf4
        Gadget:    "Embarrass"

        Output:    "WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!  No matter
            HOW you say it, your INFORMATION is COMPLETELY
            without content!  I refer you to chapter 4 of the
            ROM KERNEL MANUAL so you can see how BRAINLESS your
            comment was.  No, I won't tell you the PAGE NUMBER,
            you mamby-pamby little CREEP."

    Now that you've seen PHRASEMONGER at work, a natural question you
might ask is:  "How does PHRASEMONGER do it?"  To answer that question,
let's feed it to PHRASEMONGER (at various intensity levels) and find out!!

        Input:    "How does PHRASEMONGER do it?"

        Gadget:    Somewhat Friendly
        Output:    "BLAZEMONGER INC. has the ULTIMATE programmers.
            They can do ANYTHING, you little dweeb."

        Gadget:    Medium
        Output:    "We don't give out TRADE SECRETS for FREE, you
            MOOCHER.  Write your OWN damn program."

        Gadget:    Destructive
        Output:    "By kidnapping your MOTHER and doing IRRESPONSIBLE
            ACTIONS with a garden hose."

    Wheee!!!  Obviously this program has lots of POTENTIAL.  It is hoped
that PHRASEMONGER will provide the ULTIMATE in high-temperature
entertainment for YEARS to come!!  Get your copy now at finer software
stores everywhere.  But be sure to wear gloves when opening the box....

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

PS:    WARNING!  Judging from the content of some of the recent articles in
    this newsgroup, it is obvious that some buggy "beta" copies of
    PHRASEMONGER have leaked out onto USENET.  Beware!

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Angry, angry, angry... gee whiz, am I angry!
Summary: A BLAZEMONGER a day keeps the FLAMERS away
Keywords: Beethoven, concrete, petunias, tattooed knockwurst
Date: 23 Nov 91 05:12:16 GMT

    Hey!  Have you ever sent e-mail to someone, and then found out that
your e-mail was POSTED to the Net without your permission?

    Did this make you angry??

    Very angry??

    Very, very, VERY ANGRY???

    ANGRY ENOUGH to take STEEL TWEEZERS and FORCEFULLY PIERCE the
CHEEKS of the IDIOT RAPSCALLION WHO DID IT?!?!?!??!?

    Well then, we have GREAT NEWS for you!!!

    Introducing...

               P H R A S E M O N G E R     I I

the latest entry in BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED's "ViolentWare" series!

    They said it couldn't be done.  "Improve PHRASEMONGER??" they
gasped.  "It's already the PERFECT way to create EFFICIENT and DEVASTATING
FLAMES!!"  Well, that just shows you what DWEEBS "they" are.  We have
taken the ULTIMATE ELECTRONIC FLAME PROGRAM and turned it into... into...
yes... the ULTIMATE *ULTIMATE* ELECTRONIC FLAME PROGRAM!!!!!  (How's THAT
for progress??)

    For those people out there who have never heard of PHRASEMONGER,
here are a few words of introduction, to help you out.

        YOU STUPID, BRAINLESS MORON!!
        DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?!?!?!

Whoops!!  Sorry about that!!  We tried to write a polite and helpful answer,
but PHRASEMONGER II took control of the keyboard!  We'll try again.

    As described a few weeks ago, PHRASEMONGER was developed to make
flaming more efficient.  Simply feed in the offending USENET article, and
PHRASEMONGER automatically generates and posts a specially-tailored FLAME to
toast your hated opponent, uh, I mean the other person.  For example,
suppose you saw the following SUGGESTIVE and HIGHLY OFFENSIVE article posted
in your favorite newsgroup:

        Article 5873 of rec.flowers
        From: [e-mail] (Mark Pern)
        Subject: Re: Petunia gardens in Southern France

        In article <[e-mail]>, [e-mail] writes:
        >Next time you are in Paris, you simply MUST check out
        >the Tuilleries, the roses are just fab...

        Oh yes, definitely!  I was there in the Summer of '89
        and just fell in love with the place.  Those high-walled
        rock gardens and statues just blew me away!

Well, you aren't just going to SIT THERE and TAKE this stuff, are you?!?
No WAY!!!  Let PHRASEMONGER generate an "appropriate" reponse...

        From: [e-mail] (Don't Fuck With Me)
        Subject: Re: Re: Petunia gardens up my ass
        In-Response-To: [e-mail] (Infantile Pervert)
        Newsgroups: rec.flowers, talk.abortion, comp.laser-printers
        Followup-To: rec.music.jazz, alt.jesus

        In article <[e-mail]>, some dickhead writes:
        >[useless sniveling deleted]

        Mork, you DROOLING CREEP, you don't know the FIRST THING
        about rock gardens.  You wouldn't know a DAISY if it WALKED
        RIGHT UP TO YOU and BIT OFF YOUR BUTT!  In fact, that's
        EXACTLY what would happen -- you see, flowers HATE you.
        They WHISPER secrets about you when you aren't listening.
        So get the HELL off the Net, and take your damn POSIES
        with you.

                        Love and kisses,
                        Your mother's pimp


    Now THAT was effective, wasn't it?  And now, things are even BETTER
because PHRASEMONGER II is NEW and IMPROVED over the old version!  Look at
all these great new features!

    o    AUTO-FLAME mode!  Yes, you don't even have to sit at your
        terminal anymore to post great flames!  Just connect an
        "Auto-Fire" joystick, and PHRASEMONGER II will begin posting
        responses to EVERY USENET ARTICLE it sees!  Use the
        "Slander" option to make PHRASEMONGER post in the names of
        well-known USENET personalities!

    o    WMAILSPLIT mode!  Generate THOUSANDS of USELESS and ANNOYING
        articles automatically!!

    o    SUPERUSER mode!  Connect your PHRASEMONGER-II-equipped Amiga
        to any UNIX machine.  It will automatically grab ALL THE
        UNREAD E-MAIL on the disk, ERASE it, and replace it with
        WARPED and TWISTED versions of the original messages!

    o    REVENGE mode!  If somebody posts your e-mail for everybody
        to see, PHRASEMONGER II will automatically set up an E-MAIL
        LOOP that causes your original letter to be sent back to
        the offender over and over and OVER and OVER...!  And the
        versions keep getting worse, and worse, and WORSE...!

        But it's not done yet!  PHRASEMONGER II then monitors USENET
        to see if the offender posts a public apology to you!  And
        if he/she does, PHRASEMONGER II immediately responds with a
        CRISPY, RED-HOT FLAME that REJECTS the STUPID APOLOGY and
        makes RUDE and DIRTY REMARKS about the offender's BODILY
        PARTS!

    o    GYNECOLOGY mode!!  We won't even TELL you what THIS does!!


    So make sure to run out to your local dealer and purchase
PHRASEMONGER II right away!  If you DON'T, then... then... then... well,
heck, I don't know.  Let's ask PHRASEMONGER II:

        If you don't BUY a copy of me IMMEDIATELY, CRAZED
        RADIOACTIVE DEATH VULTURES will RIP the very FLESH from your
        FAT, SLOVENLY CARCASS!!

Yeah, that's it.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

ps:    Can you tell I have a big assignment due? :-)

Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Finally: a SOLUTION for all the flames in c.s.a.advocacy
Keywords: flames, third degree burns, get the marshmallows
Date: 11 Feb 92 18:43:01 GMT

    Maybe you haven't noticed, but flames and nasty remarks are starting
to pop up again all over the c.s.a. hierarchy.  We have HAM-E flames in
c.s.a.graphics, "Future of Amiga" flames in c.s.a.misc, modem flames in
c.s.a.datacomm, and other violations.  It is time for us to realize that the
flamers cannot be confined to just the "advocacy" newsgroup.  What can be
done about this?

    I have a simple and efficient solution:  let's turn ALL the
newsgroups into flame groups!  Yes!!  A few simple name-changes, and we
can have a whole hierarchy of anger and hate!!!  Wheee, won't that be FUN?
Here is my complete proposal for new groups to replace the existing (and
similar sounding) ones!

(1)    comp.sys.amiga.myth

    The "general talk" Amiga group.  Hints, rumors, legends, nitpicks,
    minor falsehoods, small crimes, outright lies, etc.

(2)    comp.sys.amiga.anonymous

    Moderated.  USENET people and Amiga vendors will submit the most
    awful stuff they can think of.  The moderator will accept the
    juiciest ones and post them anonymously, or in the names of
    well-known Net personalities.  (Of course, the moderator's name and
    e-mail address would be kept secret.)

(3)    comp.sys.amiga.refused

    Moderated.  All submissions are immediately rejected by the
    moderator.  Nothing is ever posted here.

(4)    comp.sys.amiga.introspection

    Frequently asked questions, such as "why I am I reading News,"
    "what else could I be doing that is more productive," and
    "where can I find psychological help to break my USENET addiction."

(5)    comp.sys.amiga.hardcore

    For true, die-hard flamers.  Yell and scream about the latest
    hardware mistakes and technical errors, and how you could have done
    it 100 times better and 10 times quicker, for 5 percent of the
    cost.

(6)    comp.sys.amiga.programs

    Fanatical discussion of Amiga appearances on television shows.

(7)    comp.sys.amiga.gams

    Flames containing sexist remarks.

(8)    comp.sys.amiga.multimediator

    With all this flaming going on, SOMEBODY has to try to make peace.
    This is the group where people can volunteer to reconcile the
    differences between opposing flamers.

(9)    comp.sys.amiga.supplications

    The official forum for begging and pleading to Commodore for
    the latest OS and hardware advances.

(10)    comp.sys.amiga.marketingplace

    Flames and more flames against Commodore's marketing department.
    A traffic limit of 32,768 posts per day will be imposed to prevent
    USENET sites from running out of disk space.

(11)    comp.sys.amiga.auditor

    Screams and complaints against Irving Gould's high salary.

(12)    comp.sys.amiga.adversary

    The pits of Hell.  The slime of the earth.  Yes, here are found
    the worst of the worst, the lowest of the low, the flamingest
    of the flamers.  Enter and die immediately.  You have been warned.

(13)    comp.sys.amiga.dad&mom

    After reading through all the other groups, your brain is wasted
    and your body sore.  Come to this newsgroup for sympathy, a kiss
    on the cheek, and a hot dinner.

and, of course:

(14)    comp.sys.amiga.BLAZEMONGER

    Discussion of important Amiga software, hardware,
    programming, games, applications, multimedia, audio,
    telecommunications, and other related topics.


Well, what does everybody think?  Should we do it?  Personally, I think it's
time to face reality and convene this Grand Reorganization ((C) Kent@Xanth)
as soon as possible!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: New Markets Under Our Noses! (was Re: Europe is SNOT enough)
Summary: Vote BLAZEMONGER for President in '92, Zippy for VP
Date: 29 Apr 92 23:00:58 GMT

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Mike Whalen) writes:
>In a message dated Wed 29 Apr 92 15:17, [e-mail] (corey Ha
[etc etc etc]

    Look, all this talk about Commodore's sales in Europe and the USA is
missing an important point.  Yes, "Europe is not enough," blah blah blah.
However, there are many OTHER vital markets that Commodore has completely
ignored.  It's time for CBM's marketing staff to sit up, put away their
BLAZEMONGER cheat sheets, and pay attention!

    Yo, Commodore!!  Here are some places that you *need* to begin
targetting IMMEDIATELY for increased sales!  I expect to see a complete
media blitz within the next 5 minutes, or else these babies are going to get
away from you!!  And by "media blitz", I don't mean the usual
one-30-second-commercial-airing-only-in-Buenos-Aires extravaganza that you
are so good at.

    Commodore needs to sell Amigas RIGHT NOW:

(1) In Antarctica

    Now, more than ever, Commodore needs to tap into the burgeoning
    "penguin peripheral" market.

(2) On remote mountaintops

    Statistics clearly show that 98% of all people living on
    remote mountaintops do not own computers at all!  What
    a terrific opportunity for Commodore.

    And even if the mountain people don't want Amigas, Commodore can
    always lure the Marketing staff to the top and abandon them.

(3) At 516 North Peanut Street, Chickenmilk, Wisconsin

    Yes, it's true:  Edna Snit doesn't have a computer yet.
    Hurry up, before IBM and Apple find her!!

(4) On other planets

    "Be the first in your solar system to own an Amiga!  Impress other
    sentient lifeforms!  Be a true Thing Of The Universe!"  These kinds
    of commercials *really* impress the aliens.

    But whatever you do, don't show them "Distant Suns!"  Even
    though we Earth people love this program, it will make the
    aliens laugh at humankind's pitiful understanding of space
    and maybe even destroy our planet.  Never piss off an alien.

(5) To the entire cast of "Gilligan's Island"

    WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??  These people are in dire need of
    your hardware!!  Can you imagine:

        SEE the Professor use his A600 to signal for help!

        SEE Ginger write the first "Desktop Fashion" software!

        SEE Skipper bonk Gilligan over the head with a Video Toaster!

        SEE Mr. and Mrs. Howell perform a hostile takeover and steal
         Irving Gould's millions!!

    In a new episode, the island is discovered to be sinking.  Atari
    Inc. arrives in a boat and offers to rescue our heroes if they sell
    the island for "2 dollars a share."  When our heroes say that the
    island is worth more than that, Atari offers "1 dollar a share."


    So, Commodore... get WITH IT!  Heck, even a total IDIOT can think of
these kinds of wide-open markets!!  I mean, REALLY!  I mean... um... uh...

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Frequently Asked Questions Which Are Asked Very Frequently
Summary: Almost no BLAZEMONGER at all
Keywords: lemons Pravda chimichanga I can't stand it any longa
Date: 12 May 92 21:51:14 GMT


                 Monthly Posting
             Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
                  comp.sys.amiga.advocacy

INTRODUCTION
============

    As regular readers of comp.sys.amiga.advocacy know, certain topics
come up for discussion regularly.  This document, assembled by the finest
Amiga minds on this side of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin, explains the answers
clearly and accurately, so people don't have to argue about them anymore.


SECTION I:  Computer Performance
================================

1.  Which is better/faster, 680x0 or 80x86 CPU's?

    Generally, the relative speed of a processor is found in the second
    digit of the model number.  For example, the 68000, 68010, 68020,
    68030, and 68040 all have an "8" as the second digit, so they are
    all roughly the same speed.  Similarly, all the "80x86" processors
    have a "0" as the second digit.  This implies that all 680x0
    processors are faster than their 80x86 counterparts.  But everybody
    knows that anyway.

2.  What does the "x" mean in "680x0"?

    The "x" means "extra fast".  The 680x0 processor, to be released
    sometime in 1993, is the fastest processor ever made by Motorola.

3.  What is a "SPECmark"?

    Every computer has bugs.  Sometimes, one will escape from inside the
    computer case, so you have to catch it and squash it.  The small,
    bloody stain made by the bug's smashed body is called a "SPECmark."
    Generally, SPECmarks can be removed by soaking your computer in
    warm, soapy water.


SECTION II:  Mine is better than yours, nyah nyah!
==================================================

1.  Should I buy an Amiga or a Mac? ...or a NeXT? ...or a PC? ...or a goat?

    Deciding which computer to buy is a very personal issue.  It is
    difficult to get two people to agree on the same brand, let alone
    the same model.

    Our panel of computer experts has come up with a sure-fire,
    failure-proof method for buying the right computer.  Simply follow
    these steps exactly, and we guarantee that you will choose a computer
    with appropriate power and capabilities.

    (1)    Make a list of the software packages you want to run.

    (2)    Examine your finances, and decide how much money you can
        afford to spend.  Suppose this is N dollars (or whatever
        units of currency you prefer).

    (3)    Go to the bank and withdraw N units of currency.

    (4)    Go to your local computer dealer.

    (5)    Wave the N units of currency in a salesperson's face,
        yelling "I can get my computer much cheaper by mail order!"
        Then walk out, looking smug.

    (6)    Go home, and put the money under your mattress, in a box
        marked "Money".

    (7)    Mail me your home address, and tell me which days you will
        be out of town.

    (8)    Later that night, make a human sacrifice to the god M'Bitu
        under the light of a full moon.

    (9)    Stand on one leg, tilt your head upward, and yell
        "Vooshie vooshie vooshie" repeatedly until you get tired.

    (10)    Say the word "SPECmark" to several computer-literate people,
        and then nod knowingly.

    (11)    Ask someone else which computer you should buy.  Better yet,
        crosspost to ten or twelve USENET newsgroups, asking people
        which computer is best.  Remember to write "No flames,
        please" at the bottom of your article, and leave the
        "Followup-To" line blank.

2.  Does the Mac OS suck?

    When the Mac was first introduced, it filled a void in the
    IBM-dominated PC market.  Filling a void is analogous to replacing
    a vacuum, so technically, the Mac does "suck" in that sense.

    There is a problem with this argument, however.  Commodore's
    top-of-the-line Amiga 3000T has a 2-fan ventilation system and
    therefore sucks in a big way.  This means that the "Amiga vs. Mac"
    argument is right back where it started, with the score tied 1 to 1.

    Rather than using this reasoning, it is generally safer just to yell
    "Macs SUCK" and then run away without explaining.

3.  If fast PC clones cost less than an Amiga, why should anyone buy an
    Amiga instead?

    Amiga owners are a strange bunch.  On the one hand, they are
    creative, knowledgable, and friendly.  On the other hand, they
    are a strange bunch.

    Nobody knows exactly why people buy Amigas.  Many famous researchers
    have puzzled over this issue for years, without success.  The
    best-known theory was proposed by Professor Reginald Wanker of Snoot
    State University.  His 415-page paper, entitled "The Phenomenon of
    Amiga Ownership Among the Tree-Chewing Gibbons of Antarctica" says,
    essentially, that Amiga owners are "a strange bunch" with "very long
    tails."

4.  Which is better, Windows or Workbench?

    The consensus on USENET is that one of them is DEFINITELY better than
    the other.  All of the evidence supports this belief, so nobody
    argues about it anymore.


SECTION III:  Commodore
=======================

1.  Who is Irving Gould?

    Irving started out as a simple janitor's assistant and rose to become
    the reigning czar of Commodore Business Machines.  His annual salary
    is reportedly forty-five zillion dollars per hour.  Nowadays, he
    spends most of his time playing with his CDTV and recruiting
    Marketing people in local wineries.

2.  Why doesn't Commodore do XXX?

    Because it's illegal.

3.  Commodore stock just went [up|down]!!  Is this [good|bad]??

    [Yes|No|Maybe].

4.  Why does the Commodore Marketing Department never advertise the Amiga?

    They DO advertise.  Just not to humans.


SECTION IV:  Blatant Commercial Announcement
============================================

    <KABOOM!!> <CRASH!!!> <OGLI-OGLI-OGLI!!!!!!> What are those bizarre
    SOUNDS?!?  Could it BE?!?!  YES!!!  Introducing...

            BLAZEMONGER 2.04

    The most *compatible* game in EXISTENCE!!  BLAZEMONGER 2.04 runs on
    ANYTHING:  Amiga 500, 500+, 600, 1000, 1500, 2000, 2500, 3000,
    3000T, CDTV... under EVERY version of the Amiga OS!  Even TOTALLY
    BROKEN versions with THOUSANDS of KNOWN BUGS will run BLAZEMONGER
    2.04 with NO DIFFICULTY!!  Is your computer monitor broken?  Is the
    CPU fried?  NO PROBLEM!!!  BLAZEMONGER 2.04 will run on ANYTHING!

    Heck, BLAZEMONGER 2.04 is so compatible it runs on TELEVISIONS,
    MICROWAVE OVENS, LIVE GOATS, and even HUMAN BODIES!!  Just stick the
    BLAZEMONGER 2.04 disk into your mouth, bite down HARD, and BOOT UP!!!

    Buy BLAZEMONGER 2.04 today at your local purveyor of "ViolentWare"
    products!  Look for our special store display:  a twelve-meter-tall
    statue of the Grim Reaper being run through a CHEESE GRATER into
    a VAT of BOILING TAR.  Yum!!


SECTION V:  Religious Issues
=============================

1.  Which is better, C or assembly language?

    Both C and assembly have fallen out of style.  Most serious
    programmers nowadays use a new language called "BLORT".
    BLORT lets programmers use whatever combination of languages
    they want, all mixed in the same file.  For example, a typical
    BLORT program for "hello world" looks like:

        MODULE HelloWorld(defun write (x) (SAY #? > /dev/tty))
        {
            .KEY string/a

            while ((c = getchar()) != EOF)
            begin
                MOVEM    $r0 0x287BA9
                task body is accept stdout end;
            128    FORMAT "%s\n"
                "hello world" << 128 when not Thursday
        exit 0

    Keeping with the humorous "GNU Software" tradition of recursive
    acronyms, "BLORT" actually stands for "Blort Lort Ort Rt T".

2.  Is copy protection good or bad?

    Most companies nowadays agree that copy protection is bad.  However,
    due to pressure from users who want the benefits that copy
    protection provides, companies have reluctantly added it to their
    products.

    Some companies who don't use copy protection have reported problems
    due to European "cracker" groups.  These groups buy all the
    legitimate copies of the software, add copy protection, and then
    hide the disks in deep, underground vaults so nobody can use them.
    Obviously, this hurts sales -- when ordinary users go to the store,
    they discover that all the software is gone.


SECTION VI:  Other Questions
===========================

    If you need the answer to a question, but it is not found in this
document, look for the article "Frequently Unasked Questions" (FUQ) which is
posted forty times a day in the newsgroup comp.sys.amiga.vapor.

    Special thanks to everyone who contributed information for this FAQ
article:  Denise Agnus, Ozzy Ozbourne, Richard Nixon, Linus Pauling, Phyllis
Schlafly, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Bill Griffith, Alan Turing, Vlad the
Impaler, Kimba the White Lion, and the BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service"
Department.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Shells vs. GUI's vs. Muhammed Ali
Summary: BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED teaches EVERYBODY a lesson
Keywords: alien blintzes
Date: 20 Jun 92 02:21:15 GMT

In response to the holy gospel of:
>[Shells are great, GUI's are greater, Finder vs. Workbench, etc...]

    I am getting TIRED of all you people comparing user interfaces,
shells and GUI's, etc, when you all have absolutely NO IDEA what you are
talking about!!  I think you all need a lesson in user interface history.
The following text should make it all PERFECTLY CLEAR and stop these
POINTLESS "shell vs. GUI" arguments for good.


A BRIEF HISTORY OF USER INTERFACES

    Thousands of years ago, back in Paleolithic times, user interfaces
were very primitive.  They essentially consisted of a thick, wooden club
that was used to "access" your enemy's brains.  Simple but effective, this
interface has since been adopted by the famed BLAZEMONGER "Customer
Service" Department.

    At first, there was little or no standardization; users had to
learn entirely new methods of "access" for human enemies, mammoths,
mastodons, Saber-C tigers, etc.  But as time went on, people settled on two
basic modes of use:

    (A)    Run as fast as you can in a straight line, bashing everything
        in sight.

    (B)    Stand in one place, swinging the club wildly in all
        directions.

These 2 modes became so popular that they were given names that have
survived to this day:  "sequential access" and "random access."

    This went on for centuries, with users happily "accessing" each
others' bodily parts with bigger and bigger clubs, until the 20th century,
when the COMPUTER was invented.  Tired of crushing each other's skulls,
users flocked to the new invention, eager to put their talents to new uses,
like playing video games and building "Star Wars" missile systems.

    The first computer user interface consisted of a large button on
the front panel, labeled "0".  By pressing this button repeatedly, users
could "program" the computer to do all kinds of tasks.  Sadly, none of
these programs worked, and the scientists could not figure out why.
Then, in 1962, some dweeb finally had the idea to add a "1" button,
and the Computer Age officially began.

    But pressing "0" and "1" buttons was not anybody's favorite
pastime, so some other dweeb invented the computer terminal.  Thanks to
this clever device, with over 50 different keys, users were able to
create bugs and cause crashes dozens of times faster than before.
But at least the hardware was now in place, so it was time to address the
software issues of user interfaces.

    First, there was the command-line interface.  This allowed users
to type a line of text representing a "command", press the RETURN key, and
receive a response like "0x38754: ERROR_NOTEXT_PETUNIA".  Thanks to this
handy software tool, the suicide rate rose almost overnight.

    But in the mid 1970's, the clever folks at AT&T invented the UNIX
"shell".  This was a SIGNIFICANT advance over ordinary command-line
interfaces, as the following example shows:

    ORDINARY COMMAND-LINE INTERFACE:

        type myfile
        0x9852: ERROR_FILE_LACTOSE_ANAL

    UNIX SHELL:

        $ cat myfile
        Segmentation fault - core dumped

    For many years, command-line interfaces dominated the computer market.
Smart computer buyers began to compare the power of different operating
systems by how much they let you tailor the command-line prompt.  For
example, my friend John would only use computers that let him set the
prompt to:

        Suction?

Nobody knew why.  Eventually, John was given a job in the Federal Government.

    But these years of happy command-lining were fated to end.  Behind
the scenes, those clever folks at Xerox PARC (Palo Alto useR interfaCes)
were creating a completely graphic user interface.  We modern computer users
are familiar with windows, icons, and clicking, but the first attempts at
Xerox PARC were quite different from this.  For example, the early version
of the "mouse" was shaped more like a semi-automatic machine gun.  To select
an icon, users would point it at the screen, click the button, and blast the
icon to pieces.  This was great fun, and kept the Xerox programmers amused
for months.  Eventually, the Xerox hardware engineers developed a device
more like the modern mouse, and the programmers used that instead -- point,
click, and the icon blows up.  Alternatively, you could drag the icon around
the screen, smearing blood and guts all over the place.

    After a few years of fun and games, some dweeb at Xerox PARC finally
had the idea that the icons could be used to represent FILES.  WOW!!!  The
world had many responses to the Xerox breakthrough.  Computer users
congratulated Xerox for this brilliant manuever.  The President of the
United Nations pinned a medal right on the Xerox building!  And Apple
Computer stole the idea outright and created the Macintosh.

    The "Mac" truly brought computing power to the common people.  Even
the most naive, ignorant Mac user was able, with a simple mouseclick, to
cause a spectacular crash.  This same philosophy has stayed with the machine
through the years.  The most recent operating system version is called
"System 7", which to me sounds like a bad science-fiction TV show, and it
has many new and exciting features.  One of the most novel features is the
"Help Balloon" mode, which allows the user to see what anything on the
screen is thinking to itself.  Unfortunately, most computer icons and menu
items are very boring thinkers, so the balloons usually say things like "I
wonder when the user will click on me" or "Will you PLEASE move me away from
the 'HyperMoose' icon -- it smells really bad!"

    In 1985, two new machines with GUI's appeared on the market:
the Atari ST and the Commodore Amiga.  The ST's graphic user interface
is called "GEM", which stands for "Graphic User Interface".  Although
initially popular, the ST has died a slow death, partly due to operating
system bugs, such as the infamous "40 folder limit".  If the user tried
to create more than 40 subdirectories inside a directory, Jack Tramiel
would come to his house and whack him on the head with a thick, wooden
club.  This caused permanent braindamage in many ST users, and they can
still be found to this day saying things on the Net like "Tramiel is God"
and "Amigas can't multitask".

    The Commodore Amiga was introduced with version 1.0 of its
system software.  This combined a great CLI, a great GUI, and the
awesome ability to crash 12 times per hour.  Following this success,
versions 1.1, 1.2, and 1.3 were released rapidly over a short period of
only 25 years.

    But the real Amiga breakthrough came with the introduction of
Amiga OS 2.04.  Originally, this was available only on Amiga 3000's
sold in Albania to certified developers who knew the secret password and
Marc Barrett's social security number; but after a mere 400 years, it was
made available to the public.

    OS 2.04 was the first version to make the GUI "Workbench" truly
usable.  In previous versions, dragging an icon with the mouse required the
user to hold down seven or eight different keys simultaneously while dancing
the "Funky Chicken".  In addition, not all files had icons, meaning that the
Workbench could not access them.  But thanks to version 2.04, every file
now has over FOUR HUNDRED different icons, for a totally streamlined
and efficient interface.


SHELLS VS. GUI'S

    With both shells and GUI's now in existence, each has its fans and
enemies.  Proponents of GUI's say they can do ANYTHING as well as shells can.
In fact, street corners in major cities are often occupied by these people,
stopping random folks as they pass by, and saying things like "I can do that
in FEWER than THREE mouse-clicks!!"  Currently, there is legislation pending
that will make such comments punishable by heavy fines and/or death.

    On the other hand, proponents of shells say that GUI's are a waste
of time.  They commonly cite examples like the "delete wildcard" problem.
From birth, all shell users are able to type ridiculously complicated
"delete" commands like the following:

        1>  delete #?.(a|A?)*&-2^5%%*.*vavoom!

which says, of course, to delete all files named #?.(a|A?)*&-2^5%%*.*vavoom!
"Let's see you do THAT with a GUI!" they cry.  The GUI users are silent
about this, mainly because they are all out doing useful work instead,
like blowing up icons with a mouse.

    In any event, most people today admit that the ease-of-use of a shell
FAR exceeds the "thick wooden club" interface of Paleolithic times.  But
designers haven't stopped working on the problem of friendlier and more
useful interfaces.  So we now have...


MORE MODERN USER INTERFACES

    Extended keyboards.  Touch screens.  5-button joysticks.  Virtual
reality.  MIDI synthesizers.  Light pens.  Cardboard boxes.  Hand grenades.
Canned tuna.  Vaginal warts.  All of these concepts have affected the way
people use computers.  Thanks to modern research, many new and "hybrid"
interfaces have been developed.  The following is a brief description
of some of the more interesting ones.

(1)    Point 'n hit-return

        Clicking on the icon inserts text into the command line,
        which can then be edited.  Press RETURN when done.

(2)    Type 'n click

        The user types a command.  Every key pressed on the keyboard
        causes an icon to be displayed on the screen.  When finished
        typing, drag select or double-click the entire set of icons.
        Or just drag them into the trashcan... whichever is more
        efficient.

(3)    Point 'n spit

        Instead of a mouse, the user chews a large wad of tobacco
        or a small, dead animal.  To activate an icon, merely
        spit at the screen.

(4)    The pepperoni pizza interface

        The screen contains an image of a large pizza.  The crust
        represents the operating system, the cheese is the windowing
        system, and the toppings are the individual files.  Using
        a digital pizza cutter, the user hacks off a piece of the
        pizza and deposits it into an onscreen "mouth" which
        then digests the information.  A resounding belch comes
        from the internal disk drive, and it is ready for the
        next command.

(5)    The BLAZEMONGER interface

        This is, of course, the ULTIMATE interface.  It consists of
        a hunk of raw meat that is hurled with high velocity at a
        "touch screen".  If it hits the right icon, the user is
        rewarded by NOT having his/her nipples torn off with
        tweezers.


CONCLUSIONS

    That ends our little tour of user interface history.  This should
clear up all the .advocacy arguments from the past 3 or 4 months.

    If you are interested in learning more about user interface history
and comparisons, I suggest that you check out some of the following
references:

    o    "The History of User Interface Design", by Harold Dweeb,
        Linda Dweeb, and the Dweeb-ettes.

    o    "Shell Design", by Ima Clam.

    o    "I'm a User... I'm a Loser... I'm a Mac Plus Chooser", by
        The Steve Miller/Steve Jobs Band.

    o    "Deleting Files:  It's Not Just For Shells Anymore",
        by Peter Norton and Oliver North.

    o    "Really, Really, REALLY Graphic User Interfaces", by Adolf
        Hitler and BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED.

    o    "UI's for U and I", by the cast of Sesame Street.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The Answers To Which The Questions That You Wanted Answers For Need
Summary: F.A.Q. 2 U!
Keywords: again not no oh BLAZEMONGER
Date: 22 Jun 92 01:38:38 GMT

         Yet Another Frequently Asked Questions Article (YAFAQA)
                  comp.sys.amiga.advocacy

INTRODUCTION
============

    About a month ago, I asked people to submit questions for the next
c.s.a.advocacy "Frequently Asked Questions Which Are Asked Very Frequently"
list.  As promised, here are the questions, and our Amiga Panel of Experts
Specializing in Helpful Information Transfer has provided the simple answers!

    [Private to the Commodore employee who wanted to join A.P.E.S.H.I.T.:
     your "membership packet" should be arriving soon.  Don't open it in
     a public place.  Heh heh.]

    Anyway, none of the respondents asked to remain anonymous; so, we
assumed that they all implicitly agreed to the conditions in the original
posting:

>Note -- anyone who submits a question may have his/her name and
>question posted in this newsgroup, unless he/she specifically
>requests to be anonymous.  Be aware of this, since the panel, at its
>discretion, will ridicule stupid questions and humiliate people at
>random.

    I'll have you know that only TWO people submitted questions.
Pathetic.  And I thought Amiga owners wanted to learn more about their
machines... :-)


SECTION V:  FUTURE AMIGA CAPABILITIES
=====================================

[[e-mail] (Jamie Krutz)] asks:

>Why is it that I can't waterski behind my Amiga?  Sheesh, it doesn't even
>have an OPTION for an outboard motor, let alone an inboard.  And C= doesn't
>know the FIRST THING about hull design.  Have you ever tried even PADDELING
>an Amiga?  It's hard to get it to go straight, and before you know it, IT
>SINKS!
>
>Come on C=, get it together!  (And I don't want to hear any excuses from
>third party developers about there being TOO MANY PIRATE AMIGAS floating
>around!).
>
>With rumors for the upcoming 80786 JETBOAT OPTION that fits onto any
>STANDARD CLONE changing it from a BOAT ANCHOR into a MACH 2 WATERSKIING
>SUICIDE MACHINE it looks like the Amiga is being SURPASSED!
>
>AND THE MINUTE THAT HAPPENS (RSN) ALL MY CURRENT AMIGA APPLICATIONS WILL
>SUDDENLY BE _NO GOOD AT ALL_!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>So, uh, that's my question.

    First of all, Jamie, A.P.E.S.H.I.T. thanks you for your question.
    Folks, if any of you don't know this, Jamie is well known in the
    field of Waterskiing.  He represented the United States on the 1988
    Olympic team.  Unfortunately, due to a small oversight on his part,
    he showed up for the *Winter* Olympics... where he still managed a
    respectable fourteenth place, despite the fact that the event wasn't
    held.

    Enough history... back to the question.  Commodore has always had a
    strong interest in watersports.  Many of you may recall the 1983 C-64
    advertising campaign which featured Mark Spitz, former Olympic
    swimming champion.  The commercials showed him diving into a
    swimming pool while holding a computer, and getting instantly
    electrocuted.  A voice over says:  "This wouldn't have happened with
    a Commodore."

    So to answer your question:  evidently, CBM still hasn't recognized
    the size and importance of the ever-growing "Aquatic Amiga" market.
    Maybe someday....


SECTION LXI:  MARC BARRETT EXCLUSIVE
====================================

    The following 15 questions were ALL submitted by Marc Barrett
([e-mail]).  To quote Dave Barry, "I am not making this up."
Yes, 15 questions.  Numbered, I might add, from 1-14, with two 11's.
A.P.E.S.H.I.T. is currently very puzzled as to the significance of this.
Anyway, here goes!

1.  Why doesn't Commodore spend more on R&D?

    This is a complex issue with many ramifications.  Some people
    say it's because lower spending means higher profits.  Others
    say that lower R&D spending fools the competition into lowering
    *its* R&D spending.  Still others claim that the current
    "recession" is at fault, forcing companies like Commodore to
    break for "recess" so they can go out on the "playground" and
    use the "swings".

    But the real reason that Commodore doesn't spend more on "R&D"
    is that they don't know how to spell it.

2.  Why doesn't Commodore advertize [sic] the A3000 on TV?

    Commodore *does* advertise the A3000 on TV.  But the ads are hard
    to spot.  The ingenious CBM Marketing Department has managed to
    place subliminal messages in Apple, IBM, and Coors commercials.

    If you can, try to videotape one of the new Coors ads.  Then
    replay the first 20 seconds of it, and freeze the frame just
    before the announcer's final words.  Stare intently at the upper
    left corner of the screen, with your eyes mere centimeters away
    from the glass.  After several hours of this, you will begin to
    see the laughing face of Irving Gould.

    Those clever Marketing people... what will they think of next??

3.  Why did Commodore abandon Amiga UNIX?

    The answer is quite simple, but rather sad.

    In early 1990, Amiga UNIX sneaked up when Commodore wasn't looking,
    and bonked it really hard on the head.  In retaliation, Commodore
    kicked Amiga UNIX full force in the shins.  Bam!  At that point,
    Amiga UNIX should have just left Commodore alone, but no -- it got
    up off the floor and landed a savage punch to Commodore's
    midsection.  POW!!  Now Commodore was really mad, and nailed Amiga
    UNIX to a tree with a six-foot-long iron spike right through the
    head.  THWACK!!!  Bleeding profusely, Amiga UNIX whipped out a .45
    Magnum and began to fire!!  Commodore ducked for cover and began
    throwing razor-sharp, 3.5" disks at high velocity.  The battle
    escalated for hours, until finally the two computer giants got tired
    and went home.

    Essentially, Commodore and Amiga UNIX simply aren't speaking these
    days, and neither one wants to apologize first.  It's all rather
    silly.

4.  Why doesn't Commodore develop an A3000/A2000 CD-ROM?

    Actually, a third-party company now sells an A2000/A3000 CD-ROM.
    Just pop the CD-ROM into a disk player, press "play", and your CD
    player instantly turns into an A2000 or A3000!

    ...what?  Oh... you meant a 2000/3000 CD-ROM *drive*!!  Never mind!

5.  Why doesn't Commodore develop an Amiga CD-ROM (not CDTV) system to
    compete with MAC and MPC?

    Despite popular belief, Commodore and Apple are not competitors.
    Actually, they are both owned and run by the same person.  This
    is the main reason that you rarely see advertisements from one
    company openly challenging the other.

    The owner, Claude "Binoculars" Spiffspimster, is a recluse who lives
    in a small hut in an undisclosed part of Northern Asia.  He spends
    most of his days hacking on his Mac III and Amiga 4000T, skydiving,
    and firing Commodore Marketing people.

6.  Why doesn't Commodore develop a mid-range Amiga with '030, de-interlacer,
    and HD?

    Thanks to recent conferences between President Bush and Boris
    Yeltsin, the United States and Russia have agreed to an
    unconditional ban on all mid-range Amigas... particularly those
    aimed at strategic sites in North America.

7.  Why doesn't Commodore sell the A600 or A500+ in the U.S.?

    They don't want to compete with the A3000T.  Recent studies by
    Commodore Marketing show that the average Amiga 3000T owner would
    have bought an A600 or A500+ instead, if it had been available.

    Those clever Marketing people... what will they think of next??

8.  Why doesn't Commodore do something really innovative, like collaborate
    with some small but innovative up-and-coming company to develop new Amiga
    OS software, hardware, or both?

    Shhh... don't let the secret get out, but Commodore actually is
    doing this now.  Look for specially marked packages of
    Commodore-endorsed "Mrs. Fields Chocolate Fat Agnus Chip Cookies" at
    a store near you.

9.  Why doesn't Commodore develop an '040 system?

    The Motorola 68040 processor is already ancient history.  Commodore
    is currently preparing for the "next generation" of CPU's:  the
    Motorola 68000, which runs at a blazing 8MHz.  Rumor has it that
    these little speed demons will soon be appearing in Commodore's
    top-of-the-line machines.  Watch out.

10. Why did Commodore try getting the Amiga into universities, and give up
    so quickly?

    It is not at all clear that Commodore has "given up" the educational
    market.  For example, the Educational Discount Program is still in
    effect:  any student, professor, or custodial staff member may
    purchase Amiga hardware at greatly reduced prices.

    Originally, the Educational Discount Program was criticized because
    it required the buyer to purchase a complete system.  Nowadays,
    it is possible to buy smaller components separately, all the way
    down to individual atoms.  For example, one can buy the left half
    of an internal floppy drive, or one pin of an Enhanced Denise chip.

    As for cultivating relationships with universities, Commodore is
    currently negotiating with the University of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin,
    to open up an Amiga Lab.  Commodore has generously donated one CDTV
    unit for evaluation, and it is set up and available for general use
    inside a cardboard box in the locked basement of the university
    cafeteria.

11. Why are all the people on the Commodore Board of Directors either
    bankers, real estate agents, or has-been Army Generals?

    No special reason.  Statistically, this is a very likely occurrence.
    For the past 7-8 years, the United States has seen a tremendous rise
    in the number of bankers and real estate agents per cubic meter.  In
    some major cities, it has become difficult to wipe one's nose
    without knocking down two or three real estate agents.  Bankers are
    an even bigger problem in rural areas, where exterminators regularly
    fumigate people's houses to remove the thousands of bankers living
    in the walls.

    Contrary to popular belief, there are no Army Generals on
    Commodore's Board of Directors.  However, Commodore regularly puts
    generals' names in their Quarterly Reports so they are not invaded
    and taken over by Sony.

12. Why have there been two vacancies on the Commodore Board of Directors
    for the past two years?

    The rent is too high.

13. Why did Commodore cancel the A4000?

    It was late with its rent payments.

14. Why does Commodore pour scarce R&D and marketing funds into the tame
    black hole that they call the CDTV?

    It brings in the babes.

And finally...
11. Why does Commodore suck so much?

    Because it has lost all its teeth?

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.misc,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: HELP COMMODORE MY IADDRESS IS FULL OF EELS
Summary: BLAZEMONGER leaks out of .advocacy into .misc
Date: 24 Jun 92 16:00:41 GMT

    You people are right.  Amiga OS 2.04 is FULL of bugs.  Last time I
counted, there were at least 12,784.  I don't understand why Commodore
doesn't fix them.  All of my software is running wrong under 2.04 and I
am P*SSED.  Here are some examples.

    I used to run BLAZEMONGER VII under 1.3, and it ran fine.  However,
when I run it under 2.04, some very mysterious things happen.  First of all,
the BLAZEMONGER title screen has changed -- it now says "Running under
2.04", which it never did before.  This is obviously an OS bug.  Second,
whenever I press the "fire" button, a requester pops up and says "YOU ARE A
PIRATE SCUM", and I get a large electric shock.  I don't understand why this
is happening, since my friend said he deprotected the game before he gave me
a copy.

    Lots of my other programs stopped working under 2.04, too.  My text
editor totally barfed.  On my Amiga 500 with 1.3, it runs fine.  So I took a
copy of the editor to my local dealer to see if it would run on the A3000
(2.04) there.  Nope -- the file requester was totally hosed.  It couldn't
find ANY OF MY FILES on the store's hard disk.  The dealer tried to make
lame excuses, like that my files were AT HOME, but he's a total dweeb.

    Even CBM's own programs are buggy.  For example, C:Version used to
work fine under 1.3.  Under 2.04, it prints numbers that are TOO HIGH...
all the way up in the 37's.  This is obviously a bug in the IEEE math
libraries.

    Also, the programs that *I* wrote aren't even running.  And these
programs are totally BUG-FREE.  I mean, I have this great "security
identification" program that jumps to location 0x0000000B of the ROM and
etches my name onto the silicon.  Under 2.04, I get an instant GURU, and
all the blue smoke leaks out of the Amiga case.  Totally lame.

    And there's this AWESOME PD display hack called "IAddress_Violator"
that doesn't run AT ALL under 2.04.  Freakin' Commodore does it again.

    Even worse, under 2.04, my HARDWARE doesn't even work!  After
installing the new ROM myself, I tried to boot the Amiga but it wouldn't
come up.  It didn't even give me a blank screen.  This is another blatant
OS bug because the software should detect when the computer is down and
then reboot automatically.  And don't accuse me of installing the ROM
wrong because I made sure it was installed VERY FIRMLY by pounding it
with a hammer.  I even removed all those extra pins that stuck out over
the edge.

    I called Commodore last week to complain about the bugs.  They are
such idiots on the telephone.  I called up and asked to speak with Irving
Gould, who is the head of CATS.  They said he was "busy" -- yeah, right.
Then they tried to put one of their "tech" people on the phone, but I'm sick
of that shit, so I hung up in their faces.  What a bunch of jerks.

    That's it.  I've had enough.  I'm giving up computers forever and
becoming a nun.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel `Cheapo' Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: How LOW can you GO?  (wasn't Re: 386SX Bitchboard announced)
Summary: Clone, clone of my own, where the deer and the BLAZEMONGERS play...
Keywords: pumpkin lava fiddlybits
Date: 1 Jul 92 22:10:53 GMT

[If you don't like commercial announcements, press 'n' now, or press 'k', or
maybe press 'Z' or "@", or go stick your head in a bucket of hot vomit for
all we care....]

    Yes, it's true -- the Amiga is terribly overpriced compared to PC
clones.  And now the gap has widened even farther!!  Introducing...

        **   C H E A P O -- K L O A N Z   **

...the complete 50 MHz '486 system for only $199.99 (US)!!

    WOW!  How can anybody afford to make and sell clones at that price,
I hear you ask?  The secret is good-old AMERICAN ENGINEERING KNOW-HOW.  Did
we skimp on FEATURES?  Did we skimp on VALUE?  NO WAY!!  Just take a look at
what's included in our POWERFUL package:

o    50 MHz 80486!

    ZZZZZZOOOOMMMM!!!  Hot roddin' CPU POWER!!  Every KLOAN comes with
    the new Intel "80486-BS" chip, which is made by taking an 8086 and
    writing a "4" in the middle of the model number.  (And a "5" in
    front of the clock speed.)

o    128K cache memory!

    With a lightning-quick 80 millisecond access time!

o    4 MB RAM, expandable to 16 MB

    Yes, this computer includes all of the 8-bit RAM you will EVER need
    for your computing needs!!

o    14" 1024x768 Super VGA color monitor!

    Our own state-of-the-art, high-resolution color monitor, capable of
    displaying over 16,000,000 colors simultaneously!  (Provided that
    they are all either "black" or "white".)

o    Two floppies!

    Don't confuse CHEAPO-KLOANZ with any of those lousy 1-floppy
    systems!!  Every KLOAN comes with TWO genuine Sony(TM) floppy disks.

o    Mini-tower case!

    Stands an impressive 50 mm high, with plenty of room for microfilm,
    sand, or stamp collections!

o    660 MB of hard drive space!

    Those ingenious engineers at CHEAPO-KLOANZ have broken the price
    barrier by stacking sixty-six 10-megabyte Seagate drives on top
    of each other.  This awesome structure stands proudly next to
    your mini-tower case, and boasts a spine-tingling 900ms average
    access time.

o    EISA/SCSI

    We stamp these letters PROUDLY on every KLOAN.  We don't know WHAT
    they mean, but heck... they sure do attract a lot of buyers!!

o    Free software included!

    Yes, every KLOAN includes the following popular and vital software!

    -    DOS 1.0... the original and best!
    -    Microsoft Windows 0.9
    -    The Michelangelo Virus

o    And more!!

    Robin Banks, president of CHEAPO-KLOANZ, personally puts his
    noseprint on every system we ship!

Now at this point, we at CHEAPO-KLOANZ are sure you can appreciate the
incredible value of our systems.  But... you might be thinking, "I should
buy a name brand because I want support from the company."  Don't worry --
CHEAPO-KLOANZ offers 1 FULL YEAR OF ON-SIGHT SERVICE and 1 FULL YEAR OF
TELEPHONE SUPPORT!  Check it OUT:

o    On-Sight Service

    If anything should go wrong with your KLOAN during the first year of
    use, simply pack the computer in its original box and ship it back
    to us.  As soon as we sight it, we'll repair it, and return it to
    you within 3 "working days."  (We work on the last day of every month
    that begins with the letter "O", excluding holidays.)  Ship it
    (carrier pigeon only) to:

        CHEAPO-KLOANZ
        Just Past the Men's Lavatory
        Number 1
        Grand Central Station
        New York NY  10001

o    Telephone support

    Every KLOAN comes with a sturdy, plastic telephone support
    guaranteed to keep your telephone from falling off the hook
    for a full year.

Hey... what MORE could you ASK FOR?  And the $199.99 price includes BOTH of
these vital support services absolutely FREE!  For more details, check out
our advertisement on page 8,375 of the latest COMPUTER SHOPPER!

    Remember:  CHEAPO-KLOANZ!  Our motto is

        First in FEATURES!
        First in VALUE!
        First in FIRST OUT!
        First in HOWELL THE THIRD!


                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: HEY, MORE NON-DISKLOSURE STUFF, LIKE, READ THIS NOW!!!
Summary: not
Keywords: secret like really really secret
Date: 18 Aug 92 00:48:50 GMT

    Hey doodz, like, look what I found on my BBS this morning!!
This is it!!!  I can't wait till, like, it's available!!

--------Forwarded message follows
From: ?????@????????.com
Subject: The LATEST LATEST OS SPECS!!!  F*ck the NDA!!!
Date: Today!!

****************************************************************************
*                TOP SECRET                   *
*        FOR COMMODORE-AMIGA REGISTERED DEVELOPERS ONLY           *
*                NO PEEKING!                   *
*                                       *
*              OVERVIEW OF UPCOMING OS VERSION               *
*                   AUGUST 15 1992                   *
****************************************************************************

(C) Copyright 1992 Commodore-Amnesia, Inc.  All Rites Reserved.
Prohibited where void.

WARNING!
Do NOT distribute this information under ANY circumstances, unless you
really want to.  This information may be discussed ONLY in Commodore's
lavatories, closed developer conferences, and/or hayrides in Nebraska.
ANY violation of this agreement constitutes a violation of this agreement,
and the agreement shall henceforth be violated.  Don't say we didn't
warn you.


TABLE OF CONTENTS

o    Overview of the latest OS version

o    Backward compatibility

o    Faster filesystem

o    New features

o    Specifications of new AAAAAAAA chipset

o    How to find yourself naked in a bathtub with Tori Amos or
    Tom Selleck, whomever you prefer


OVERVIEW OF THE LATEST OS VERSION

    This version shall henceforth be known as "V.00", or "Version zero
zero."  The reason is that it adds thousands of new features and yet
remains 100% compatible all the way back to pre-1.0 release Kickstart.

    "Ah," some of you will complain, "if you are calling THIS release
V.00, what will you call the NEXT release?  Won't your new numbering scheme
conflict with old OS version numbers?"  Don't panic, developers -- we have
this all under control.  To avoid all confusion, future OS releases will be
numbered in Braille.  Touchscreens will be provided.

    "But," you continue to whine, "what will happen to all those
programs that call the OpenLibrary() function with a minimum version number
greater than zero?  Won't those programs fail if the OS version number is
zero?"  Well, this is not Commodore's problem.  We have been telling you
developers for years to stop checking library version numbers!!  It's
documented right in the RKM LIBRARIES manual, page 94,762.  Just assume
that the user has the right version number; if not, then their computer
DESERVES to crash.  It's not our fault if you don't listen.

    Anyway, all this is trivial when you consider the wonderful new
features that V.00 will give you.  Read on!


BACKWARD COMPATIBILITY

    Due to requests from heavy users... no, sorry:  HEAVY REQUESTS
from USERS, V.00 will be completely backward compatible in both hardware
and software.  On the hardware side, all peripherals will be designed so
they will work even if plugged in backwards, upside down, or in the wrong
port or slot.  Yes, those naive little end-users with cheese for brains
will be totally safe, even if they plug their new CPU accelerator directly
into an electrical outlet.  [Note that CBM does not necessarily recommend
this practice -- CBM Legal Dept.]

    The software also will be completely backward compatible.  For
example, it will be possible to read and/or delete files before they are
actually created.  A real boon for software developers is the ability to
link and load programs before they are compiled or even written.  In
addition, if the user types a shell command like

        1> erom ecneuqes-putrats:s

the expected action will take place.  (This feature is also known as the
"Aspiks Hack", in honor of Slu Aspiks, the Inventor of the Non-Disclosure
Agreement.)  Finally, Intuition can be told to interchange the meanings of
the MOUSE_UP and MOUSE_DOWN messages for people who accidentally glue their
fingers to the little rodent.


FASTER FILESYSTEM

    The RQFFS (Really Quite Fast File System) is new with version V.00.
Both reads and writes have been sped up by 10-50 times.  In addition,
directory accesses are now instantaneous, even for large directories on
floppy disks on plain 68000 machines.  In order to obtain this incredible
performance boost, we had to make a few compromises, but we think that
nobody will notice.  These minor changes include:

    o    The letter "Q" (ASCII 81) may not appear in any file.
    o    All filenames must be exactly 256 characters long.
    o    Files are limited in size to 512 bytes.

Developers are advised to make their files conform to this new standard
before V.00 is released.


NEW FEATURES OF V.00

    Numerous programs have been enhanced, and others have been added
to the SYS: partition.  Below are brief descriptions of some of the
changes.

C/NewShell

    After years of incorrect behavior, NewShell finally lives up to
    its name.  Every time the user types "NewShell", he/she gets a
    new shell -- literally!!  The first time, it will be the default
    Amiga shell.  The second time, he/she will get an MS-DOS shell.
    The third time will bring up the UNIX Bourne shell.  If the user
    invokes "NewShell" enough times, the Amiga will automatically
    generate new kinds of shells with unique commands and syntax.

C/Rename

    Moved to LIBS: directory.

C/Type

    Now has an ARexx port.

C/Version

    Now simply prints "0" and exits.  [Note:  Current beta release
    crashes the computer.  Randell, please check the OpenLibrary()
    call?]

Prefs/Snort

    Allows one to choose the default smell of the Amiga at boot time.
    The user may specify any Sensitive Nose Interchange File Format
    (SNIFF) file as input.

Prefs/Weather

    Allows the user to receive weather reports worldwide (thanks to
    locale.library) and modify global weather settings.  WARNING:  due
    to a bug, the temperature gadgets currently go all the way up to
    150 degrees Celsius -- DO NOT set the temperature too high or else
    you might be sorry.

Utilities/Disease

    A new virus-protection program.  If an infected disk is inserted
    into an Amiga disk drive, Disease emits a loud, digitized sneeze
    from the audio outputs, and little drops of moisture appears on
    the topmost screen or window.  It then does a complete disk scan,
    wiping the boot block and all files clean with a Kleenex (R) tissue.

    When the REVERSE option is used, Disease will re-infect the disk
    with an even worse virus and display a requester instructing the
    user to return the disk to the person who supplied it.

Utilities/BLAZESALV

    Program for restoring a crashed hard drive.  Retrieves all lost
    data and automatically converts them to BLAZEMONGER "save" files.

Utilities/Clock

    Greatly enhanced.  Any IFF graphics may be used as the clock image.
    Can optionally run backwards, forwards, or both.  Now contains all
    functionality of the Commodities Exchange, making Tools/Exchange
    obsolete.  Also has a fully-functional integrated spreadsheet,
    relational database, and recipe program, plus FAXmodem support.
    Built-in "Calvin and Hobbes" random quote generator with sound
    effects.  Childproof lid.

Fonts/Topaz

    Obsolete.  (Developers -- please modify your applications to
    accommodate this minor change.)

Devs/Printers/Boombox

    New driver for sending printer data to your stereo system.
    Makes a God-awful noise.  Fun at parties.


SPECIFICATIONS OF NEW AAAAAAAA CHIPSET

    The AAAAAAAA (Advanced Amiga Application Architecture And Active
AArdvark) chipset is the product of many centuries of development here
at Commodore.  Way back around OS version V39, the AA chipset was the
big thing.  But with the addition of each new "A", we have increased the
chipset's capabilities speed and throughput.  The final advance was the
realization that all bugs could be removed from the chipset by putting an
aardvark inside to eat them.

    Here is an overview of the new AAAAAAAA features.

    o    "A" mode, the default, in which the chipset emulates
        the ECS or AA chipset, whichever it feels like.

    o    "AA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down and
        confesses that it used to be an alcoholic.

    o    "AAA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down completely
        and has to be towed to a nearby service station.

    o    "AAAA" mode, in which the chipset breaks down and
        confesses that it used to tow cars to nearby service
        stations.

    o    "AAAAA" mode, "AAAAAA" mode, and "AAAAAAA" mode, which
        are still carefully guarded secrets.  See
        comp.sys.amiga.advocacy article number 39754 for a
        complete overview.

    For more information about the AAAAAAAA chipset, registered
developers and pirates should call 222-2222, extension 2, and ask for
"Snorky."


HOW TO FIND YOURSELF NAKED IN A BATHTUB WITH TORI AMOS OR TOM SELLECK,
WHOMEVER YOU PREFER

    Who says that developers can't have fun?  After much input from
many of you, we have finally come up with a 100% foolproof method for
having s}x}}}i}iii}}i}ii}}}}}iii}}}}}}}}}}}ubber duck alongside the fauc}}
}}}iiii}}}}}}}}i}}ii2#(!*$JF(IJDJJAKJDI#@)*IJDWDXD@@#@$(QWIDAKDAC(bibi
bibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibibi
bibi**#*!!!!*!*!**!!!**!!*****!*nderneath!  And that's all there is to it.
If you don't have your own spatula, registered developers may purchase them
(handsomely monogrammed, BTW) through CATS.

--------End of forwarded message

Sorry, doodz, but that's all there was -- the end of the file was obviously
corrupted.  Thank God that the important stuff was undamaged -- yeah!!
(Who takes baths anyway??)

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: KOMMODORE PRESS RELEASE -- NEW MACHINES!!  FINALLY!!!
Summary: knot
Keywords: greeble blit
Date: 26 Aug 92 18:18:17 GMT


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

       COMMODORE TO ANNOUNCE NEW MACHINES AND DIRECTIONS
          AT SEPTEMBER "WORLD OF COMMODORE"

WEST CHESTER, Pa.  -- August 26, 1992 -- Commodore-Amiga Incorporated,
makers of the Amiga computer, will introduce its new line of personal
computers at the World of Commodore show in California this September.
But today, in a surprise press conference, they "pre-announced" their
new product line, bringing an end to months of rumors and speculation.

Amiga fans worldwide were expecting a lot of different things:  a
68040-based Amiga, the rumored "AA" chipset, device-independent graphics,
enhanced audio, and other features.  But Commodore, it seems, has fooled
them all.

"We have decided to drop the Amiga line entirely and concentrate on a
totally new machine," said Irving Gould, Chief Moneybagger of Commodore.
"We call it the 'Falcon'."  The new computer reportedly will have a 68030
CPU, Motorola 56001 DSP chip, high resolution color graphics, a new operating
system called "MultiDOS", and a list price of $799.00.  "We are confident
that you've never seen a computer like this before," said Gould.

Surprised developers were quick to point out that Atari also sells a
"Falcon" computer with exactly the same specifications.  "Oh God, not that
crusty piece of vaporware," Gould responded.  "And anyway, we thought of it
first."

As usual, Commodore will offer a generous "trade up" program for all
existing Amiga owners.  ("Non-existing" Amiga owners will continue to float
in the Ninth Dimension.)  To trade up, simply rip off the front cover of
your "Introducing The Commodore Amiga" manual and send it in, along with
$3.00 for postage and handling, and Commodore will mail you a brand new
Falcon.  Reportedly, true Amiga advocates have sneered at this offer,
calling it a "ripoff."  "F*cking Gould knows that it costs only $2.90 to
ship this machine," said Jouff Yeng, noted market analyst.

The new machines, after they are officially announced at the WOC, are
scheduled to ship "before Christmas."  CBM officials were quick to deny
that this really means "Christmas 1998", but beyond that no details were
given.

In addition to announcing the new machines, Commodore described some bold,
new directions in its marketing strategy.  The first "Commodore Falcon" TV
commercials will air on October 10 on MTV.  In them, famous musicians such
as Bon Jovi, Liberace, JS Bach, and The Marc Barrett Memorial Polka Band
will all join hands and sing Lithuanian folk songs.  Accompanying this music
will be "mind-blowing graphics" which were entirely produced on a Cray
supercomputer with a "Falcon" sticker on its front panel.  The end of the
commercial will display Commodore's new slogan for the 1990's:  "The
Commodore Falcon.  Make Up Somebody Else's Creative Mind (TM)."

-------- end of quoted artifice

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Fungus Among Us
Summary: reginald barnflower's international toe-cleaning service
Keywords: yuck
Date: 3 Sep 92 21:04:29 GMT


    I read in the newspaper today that the local grocery store is
having a sale on mushrooms -- "buy one pound, get the second pound free!"
Being a long-time reader of this fine newsgroup, I couldn't help wondering
what impact this is going to have on the future of the Commodore Amiga.

    We all know that Commodore is getting ready to announce some new
products at September's "World of Commodore."  Some of us are thinking:
maybe these products will lead to a resurgence of Commodore's past glory.
But Commodore, who obviously does not read our local paper, might have
some surprises in store.  (In fact, the only newspaper Commodore management
does read is the "Iowa State Hog-Jowl", where it gets all the latest hot
business tips.)

    Thanks to the local supermarket, there is going to be an absolute
*run* on mushrooms in Amherst, Massachusetts.  I predict that they'll be
sold out within 2 days.  This onslaught, combined with the current drought
conditions in California, will lead to a mushroom shortage spanning not
only Western Massachusetts, but other major parts of New England.
(Observant people have no doubt realized that Los Gatos, California -- in
the heart of the drought region -- is where Commodore used to have its
major Amiga research & development facility, before they closed it down
years ago.  This is not coincidence.)

    "Get to the POINT, asswipe," I hear you saying.  "What the hell does
a mushroom shortage have to do with CBM?!?"  Shh... don't worry... all
will become clear in a few paragraphs.

    Anyway, with mushrooms virtually nonexistent in the northeastern
United States, consumers will be forced to purchase other types of fungus
for their recipes which need mushrooms.  Now as you probably noticed,
"fungus" is a strange word that people normally don't associate with food.
No, they associate it with the itchy stuff that grows between the toes of
disgusting people who change their shoes almost as often as they see
Halley's Comet.  So the major fungus producers -- and by "producers", I
mean the people who grow fungus NOT attached to their bodies -- will have
to launch a major advertising campaign to make the public think that fungus
is highly desirable.

    Now I don't know about you, but when I think of a person who grows
fungus for a living, I don't picture Albert Einstein.  In fact, if you
check the "Guiness Book of World Records," you will see that the rare
blue-crested hummingbird, with a body length of 3 centimeters, weighs over
ten times more than the total weight of all fungus growers' brain cells
in the North American continent.  So these are not the kind of people who
can think up catchy slogans that will make you want to eat fungus.

    No, their parent organization (the Agricultural Trade Harvest League
Endorsing The Easy Sale of Fungus Out Of Trucks) will have to hire a
clever marketing team to help put more mold in the American kitchen. And
who would these brilliant people hire?  Well, after seeing that
advertisement in Amigaworld, with the little kid licking his lips and
salivating over the '040 A3000T, who do you THINK they'd hire?  That's
right -- Commodore.  It's inedible, uh, I mean inevitable.

    So, Commodore's marketing department, realizing it can make a lot
of money here, starts inventing brilliant slogans like "Mold is Gold,"
"Slime is Sublime," and (my personal favorite) "Fungus:  It's Not Just For
Breakfast Anymore."  Soon, advertisements are appearing on television and
in print, and it isn't long before customers start letting the company know
that this highly intricate marketing campaign is actually pretty stupid.  I
mean, FUNGUS?  Get real.

    This total failure to capture the mushroom market causes Commodore
upper management to get pissed off, which scares the hell out of marketing
people. So, in an effort to save themselves, they make a deal with the
fungus growers to "trade jobs" for a short time, figuring that CBM
management won't notice.  So the marketing people head off for the fields
of fungi, while the farmers put on business suits and drive their tractors
to West Chester, PA.

    Amiga marketing drastically improves at an incredible rate.
In a 48-hour period, Amiga sales skyrocket.  Major software manufacturers
sit up and take notice.  Lotus decides to do an Amiga port, not only of
"1-2-3", but even the rumored "4".  Microsoft stock drops 57 points in 1
hour.  Apple is eaten by its own WORM drives.  Huge cracks open up in the
earth's surface.  Everything looks GREAT!

    However, strange things start to happen.  There is a noticeable rise
in the number of Amiga service requests.  Users are complaining of slime
coming out of the mouse ports.  And hot rumors start in the newsgroup
comp.sys.amiga.advocacy that a new Amiga virus is actually transmitted
through the air by "spores."  In response, Commodore institutes a new repair
plan known as "Green Service" which helps to keep these problems relatively
under control.

    And in the midst of all this confusion, surrounded by mold-filled
computers, brainless pseudo-marketing people, and the ever-increasing
anti-mushroom propaganda instituted by Taiwanese PC clone industry...
somebody at CBM notices that the date is now September 28.  Oh, NO!  They
have forgotten to attend World of Commodore!!!!!!

    Panic ensues.  There is a mad, yet futile, dash to California where
it is hoped that "die hard" fans might still be waiting.  But the conference
hall is devoid of Amigans; instead, in a bizarre coincidence, it's the
annual "Miss Hog Jowl" beauty contest.  CBM makes a few fleeting attempts to
interest the pageant contestants in their wares, but ultimately leaves
feeling dejected and rejected.

    Due to its oversight, Commodore becomes the laughingstock of
the computer industry.  Sales plummet.  Profits drop 5000%.  Stock prices
hit the negatives.  And Irving Gould starts wearing a bag over his head.

    [pause for effect]

    THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.

    That's why I've posted this warning.  With Commodore now armed with
this early information, I am counting on them to do the right thing during
the soon-to-come mushroom crisis.  If not... well... don't say I didn't warn
you.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The BOOK that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Summary: buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it
Keywords: book, paper, wood biproducts, gerbils
Date: 8 Sep 92 20:35:03 GMT

                  AT LAST!

        THE BOOK THAT EVERYBODY HAS BEEN WAITING FOR!!

           (And just in time for Christmas, 1992!)
            [sounds of rocks being thrown]

    Hello, comp.sys.amiga.advocacy readers!  I don't want to sound like
a braggart, but this could be the most important posting you have read all
year!  I want to tell you about a new book.  This book is guaranteed to be
more influential than The Bible!  Longer than "Gone With The Wind!"  And
easier to read than "Dick and Jane go to the Bathroom!"

    I know that people are not supposed to post commercial announcements
on USENET, but this information is just TOO IMPORTANT to keep to myself!  I
can't imagine any comp.sys.amiga.advocacy reader living without it!!  Why??
Well, wouldn't you LOVE the answers to the following questions?

    o    What is the single best personal computer for all purposes?
    o    Which chip architecture is superior:  Intel or Motorola?
    o    How to write a Device-Independent Graphics system in only
        6 hours!
    o    Simple political tactics to get Lotus 1-2-3 ported to
        your favorite computer!
    o    100 suggestions for cool c.s.a.advocacy subject lines
        like "Imminent death of the Amiga predicted"!
    o    How to connect multiple TARGA boards to your Amiga!
    o    10 simple methods to force Irving Gould to retire!
    o    How to win at BLAZEMONGER and lose only 2 limbs!

These are just SOME of the questions that are answered in this INCREDIBLE
book.  What book can possibly offer such lasting and timeless information?
The only answer is:  UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS.

    Yes!  UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS is the only
book that can promise to change you from a TIMID, NON-POSTING LOSER into a
VIRILE MASS OF DIGITAL TESTOSTERONE with only minor surgical after-effects.

    IMAGINE how WONDERFUL things will be after you have read UNKNOWN
HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS.  When some snot-nosed goober dweeb
posts a LIE in c.s.a.advocacy, all you need to do is refer to the appropriate
page in the book, read the SECRET INFORMATION, and then EFFORTLESSLY DESTROY
your opponent with a stream of WORDS OF POWER.

    NEVER AGAIN will you lose an argument.  NEVER AGAIN will you have
silicon kicked in your face by the supposed BIG FLAMERS of this newsgroup.
NEVER AGAIN will you have a big bank account after you buy this book.  NEVER
AGAIN will this offer be repeated.  NEVER AGAIN will this offer be repeated.

    UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS.  The list of names
on our panel of writers reads like a "Who's Who" of Amiga flamage.  Guess
who they are?  HA!  I'll NEVER tell.  (But if you really want to know this
UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRET, then BUY THE BOOK and find out how to MAKE me tell
you!!)

    Yes, this book HAS IT ALL!  Here are some more examples:

?    Want to learn how to win ANY argument in c.s.a.advocacy?
    [See page 978.]

?    Need inside information on the latest Commodore hardware
    developments?  [Look on page 34!]

?    Did you hear a rumor that you want to verify or dispel?
    [Page 77 tells you who knows the truth, and how to contact
    her.]

?    Can't break the copy protection on your favorite game?
    [See pages 545-602 for a complete table of how to break
    every game on the market!]

?    Is your USENET addiction preventing you from having a normal
    social life?  [Page 188 provides free dance lessons!]

?    Can't win at BLAZEMONGER?  [See page 3,719 to learn why it's
    not possible!]


    Now, when this book hits the stores, it's going to sell for a VERY
large amount of money.  So... how much would you pay for such a book?
$500?  $1000?  Trade in your computer for it?  Well, there's good news!  I
am extending a SPECIAL OFFER to the readers of comp.sys.amiga.advocacy.
Yes, because you are all so dear to my heart, you can own your very own copy
of UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS for a very inexpensive
price!!  Yes... VERY VERY inexpensive!!

    "What IS this price?" I hear you cry.  Silly mortals.  Just like
every spine-tingling fact in this book, the true price is an UNKNOWN HIDDEN
SECRET.  But it is VERY low.  Oh, yes.  So to take advantage of the SPECIAL
OFFER, simply send us the EXACT AMOUNT, plus $78.29 (US) for postage and
handling, and UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS will soon be
speeding toward your mailbox.

    If you accidentally send us the wrong amount of money, don't worry!
We will simply keep the money, and tell you to try again.  Once you finally
send us the correct amount, we will refund all your previously submitted
money and return it with the book.  If we haven't spent it.

    Send your money (cash only) to:

        UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ADVOCACY MASTERS
        99 Unknown Secret Hidden Lane
        ________________, _____    _________

What are the blank lines?  Well... like the price, the rest of the address
is an UNKNOWN HIDDEN SECRET.  (It's on page 3!)  But we are confident that
you'll be able to find us.  At least before the Better Business Bureau
does....

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////

ps:    Believe it or not, there really *is* an "unknown hidden secret" in
    the above article.  The first person to figure it out will receive
    special recognition in an upcoming BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED article.
    Send your guesses via e-mail.

---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.misc,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Questions, questionz, we got kwestchins, ooh ooh call on me teacher
Summary: help help I'm ignorant
Keywords: clueless, know-nothing, Cheez Whiz for brains
Date: 13 Sep 92 18:23:48 GMT

    Now that the A4000 is officially announced, I have a few very simple
but highly pertinent questions about it.  Could someone from CBM, preferably
Irving, please post a reply?

(1)    Is it available in purple?

(2)    Does it come with a free A2000?

(3)    Can it use ST-506 hard disks?  If so, then why not?

(4)    Can we install both the "AA" and "AGA" chipsets simultaneously in the
    same machine, for parallel processing?

(5)    How long does the 1-year warrantee last?

(6)    Will the A4000 fit inside an A500 case, so I can fool my friends?

(7)    I have a bunch of ZIP, DIP, SIMM, SLIMM JIMM, and other memory
    thingies in different sizes (1Mx4, 256Kx13, etc).  Can I install all
    of them on the A4000 motherboard at the same time?  If not, then
    Commodore really sucks fecal matter through a straw.

(8)    Is the A1960 monitor surface-mounted to the A4000 motherboard?

(9)    How many serial ports does it take to change a lightbulb?

(10)    Is it true that Jay Miner personally licks every A4000 before
    it leaves the factory?

(11)    What is a 68040, and why does the A4000 need one?

(12)    Are there any plans for OS 3.0 to have "TextCraft" in ROM?

(13)    Is it true that the A5000, code-named "The Bonker", will be released
    next month, and be completely incompatible with the A4000?

(14)    Will somebody please post a list of all Amiga software and
    hardware packages, describing which ones do and don't work
    with the A4000?  Please hurry -- I need this by tomorrow.

(15)    What are all of Commodore's engineering secrets?  Don't worry,
    we won't spread them around.  Right, Slu?

(16)    I just heard of a 1970's rock group called "The Commodores."  Is
    this just coincidence?  The lead singer looked just like Dave Haynie,
    or maybe Carolyn Scheppner.  Anyway, I'd appreciate knowing if their
    big hit, which I believe was called "Stairway to Heaven", is really
    about CBM marketing strategy.

(17)    Who won the World Series in 1949?  Why wasn't Commodore there?

(18)    I have recently come to agree with everything Marc Barrett
    has ever written on USENET.  Do you recommend that I call
    Dr. Ruth?

(19)    Do I really have to be attending school to be eligible for the A4000
    educational discounts?  Or can I just educate myself instead, say, by
    reading every issue of AmigaWorld?  Do I get an extra discount for
    brain damage?

(20)    If I throw my computer over a cliff and watch it crash into the
    surf and explode into a million pieces, does this make me an
    "Amiga Pioneer"?

(21)    I heard a rumor that Commodore is going to be bought out by
    BillyBob's Plumbing of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin.  Should I buy
    more stock?

    And finally, could somebody please post Commodore's official A4000
press release again?  I missed it the first 83 times.  Just to be sure, how
about if everybody posts it again?  And please cross-post it to all other
USENET newsgroups so nobody misses it.  Thanks!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The A4000 SUCKS!  Commodore BITES!  Marc BELCHES!  Film at eleven!
Summary: The TRUE FACTS about life, the universe, and my ego
Keywords: munch, chew, gobble, swallow
Date: 14 Sep 92 21:25:38 GMT

    I can't believe freaking Commodore.  Like, um.  You know?!?

    The new A4000 is DOOMED TO FAILURE.  Nobody will BUY it.  Everybody
will HATE it.  I have special INSIDER INFORMATION which was obtained by
TAPPING the e-mail connections between Commodore US and Commodore Antarctica,
unscrambling it, RE-SCRAMBLING it, and printing it BACKWARDS onto gigantic
LASAGNA NOODLES using an ancient IBM TELETYPE.

    All of the following opinions are FACTS.  And the following FACTS
are even MORE FACTUAL than the opinions.  In fact, the FACTS behind the
following FACTS are 100% more FACTUAL than the FACTS whose FACTS used my FAX
machine to FAX FACTS FACTUALLY to people named MELVIN.  But I digress.

    Listen, doodz, I KNOW what I am talking about here.  I know for a
FACT that every engineer at Commodore has personally signed a LEGAL
AGREEMENT agreeing to post only FALSE LIES and BOGUS FALLACIES about the
A4000.  Only *I* know the TRUE FACTS.  And here they are:

    (1)    The A4000 does NOT support 256 colors!

        The TRUTH is that it supports only ONE color -- RED.
        However, because of a bunch of STUPID HACKS and WORTHLESS
        EFFORT that WASTED zillions of development dollars that could
        have paid for several DOZEN SCSI-II interfaces, the A4000
        implements 256 DIFFERENT SHADES OF RED.  In fact, this is
        how the "AA" chipset got its name.  When the head of CBM
        engineering found out this terrible secret, he said,
        "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"  Little did he
        know that his scream would open the doors to a whole
        generation of chips.

    (2)    The A4000 DOES come with a DSP!

        Commodore is LYING to you about this!!  Take a look on
        the back panel of the A4000, and you will SEE that I
        am telling the TRUE FACTS!  Right there, in black and
        white, are the words "Digital Serial Port".  SEE?
        I told you!!!!

    (3)    You CAN upgrade your A500 to use the AGA chipset!

        I mean, come ON you DWEEBS!  Did you REALLY BELIEVE that
        Commodore mamby-pamby TRIPE?  Open your DAMN A500 yourself,
        grab a crowbar, RIP out those OBSOLETE chips, get an AGA
        chipset and a hammer, SMASH those BASTARDS into the empty
        pin sockets, throw the remains back into the A500 case, and
        PLUG IT IN.

        See, it's TRIVIAL, like I told you.  And it's even EASIER
        for the A2000 and A3000 series machines because the crowbar
        FITS better.

    (4)    Commodore has NO MARKETING PLAN for the next 5 years!

        That whole awe-inspiring speech at the World Of Commodore
        show was a load of HORSE BOOGERS.  The "VP" who gave the talk
        was really an out-of-work ACTOR hired to make all you wankers
        SALIVATE all over your CHEAP SNEAKERS.  I can't believe you
        fell for it.  I mean, who the heck ever heard of "Louis
        Egg-Breath" or whatever his name was ANYWAY?  It's OBVIOUSLY
        just a PLOY to make everyone run out and buy A4000's.

    (5)    The A4000 was NOT designed by Commodore!

        Yes, it's true.  The A4000 was actually designed, not by
        Dave Haynie and Company, but by the original cast of "The
        Beverly Hillbillies."  Meanwhile, the REAL Commodore
        engineers wasted away their time chasing NUBILE members of
        their preferred sex on some remote tropical island, eating
        chocolate-covered fruit, and LAUGHING behind our backs.

        I CHALLENGE any of those lazy wretches to dispute these TRUE
        FACTS that I discovered through INTENSE, SCHOLARLY RESEARCH
        of my "Baby Huey" comic book collection.

HAHAHAHA!!!  Now, FINALLY, the TRUE FACTS have emerged!  Commodore is
DOOOOOMMMED!  Tune in next week when I will report on the TRUE FACTS
recently discovered about George Bush, Tina Turner, and 50 dozen heads
of cabbage.  BEWARE!!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy,comp.sys.amiga.misc
Subject: Four Thousand Raisins... unclothed!
Summary: The uncontestable contest
Keywords: dimethyl chlorohexasmurf
Date: 1 Oct 92 03:56:11 GMT

    By now, everybody has heard of Commodore US's "4000 Reasons"
contest.  Everyone is invited to describe, in 25 words or less, why
he/she/it owns an Amiga, and 1 lucky person will win a free A4000!
(Personally, I don't see how anybody can list 4000 reasons in only 25 words,
but I never was much of a math whiz.)

    Anyway, thanks to SECRET ESPIONAGE TACTICS, I have been able to tap
into Commodore's private files and discover who's going to win!  Thus,
BLAZEMONGER INCORPOATED loudly presents:

            The Top Ten Entries In The
             "4000 Reasons" Contest!!

In 25 words or less, MY REASON FOR OWNING AN AMIGA IS...

(10)    What's an "Omega?"

(9)    ...because it's great.  I love it!  It's really great!  The best!  I
    don't know a greater computer; the Amiga is totally, totally great!
    No, really!

(8)    ...multitasking!  I need a computer that can do raytracing in the
    background.  I don't *want* to run a raytracer, but my friends say
    it's required.

(7)    ...because the Atari Falcon is too expensive.

(6)    ...I am attempting singlehandedly to drive IBM and Apple out
    of business by spending my money elsewhere.

(5)    Packed with processors, Amiga really satisfies.  It's not just for
    hacking anymore.  It's the real thing.  Amiga is it.  The Computer
    for the Cremated Mind! (TM)

(4)    ...because Commodore is doomed.  If they don't have at least a 23.7%
    increase in R&D, their rumored 32-bit graphics chipset will never be
    competitive with
    [this entry was cut off after 25 words]

(3)    ...so I can read comp.sys.amiga.advocacy and feel qualified to
    point out the logical flaws in other people's arguments.
    Politely, of course.  Not!

(2)    ...it brings in the babes, man.  Thousands of them, like, flocking
    to my monitor.  I just type "sys:utilities/Display Girlz/#?" and,
    like, there they are.  Ahhhhhh....


And the number 1 reason is...!

(1)    ...because BLAZEMONGER runs on it, of COURSE!  All those other
    PSEUDO-TRASH MACHINES cannot APPROACH the MIND-BLOWING GRAPHICS and
    EARDRUM-PIERCING SOUND BOLTS that EXPLODE from the Amiga, SHATTERING
    nearby CONCRETE WALLS and DESTROYING all DECIBEL WORLD RECORDS.  And
    BLAZEMONGER CANNOT be restricted by any WIMPY 25-word limit, EITHER!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.games,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Are you looking for Amiga pirate ftp sites?  Read this!

    Earlier this week, somebody posted in comp.sys.amiga.games and asked
if there are any ftp sites where pirated, commercial Amiga software can be
obtained.  Hmmm.  In response, I posted a description of the pirate FTP site
"etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf" which I said contained commercial games.

    Now, everybody take a CAREFUL look at the name of that ftp site.
Does it look... perhaps... suspicious?  I thought so, but obviously some
people didn't look closely.  I was sure that the domain name "kcuf" was
unusual enough to attract attention, and that people would read the hostname
backwards and realize that this was a joke.  But NOOOOOO... people believed
it!!

    I would like to thank all the pirates who wrote to me and asked for
more information, especially those who said "I can't seem to contact this
machine -- my computer says 'unknown host.' Can you help?"  Thanks for a
good laugh, folks!  I can't believe you took this seriously.  I mean, one
guy DID read the hostname backwards, said "Hey, that's cute", but STILL
asked me for the IP number of the machine so he could connect to it!!

    OK folks... when you post a question about illegal activities, and
somebody answers by saying:

    (1)  There is a machine whose name backwards spells out "fuck off
         you pirate"; AND,

    (2)  You have to log in using the name "DAEHKCID" (read it
         backwards); AND,

    (3)  He claims that the machine is run by a group called
         "Software Crackers United METHODISTS" (yeah, right); AND,

    (4)  Information can be found in a file called "README.SCUM"; AND,

    (5)  The poster is widely known for his jokes in c.s.a.advocacy,

then you MIGHT want to think for a minute before believing it. :-)

    Sheesh.  There are no limits to human stupidity, but I wanted to see
how far these people would go.  So to everyone who wrote for "more
information", here is what I sent them:

They wrote:
>[Help, I cannot reach the machine, etc.]

I responded:
|    That's strange.  My computer has no problem at all reaching it.
|(See Below.)  I'm afraid I don't know the IP number, so I suggest you send
|e-mail to your systems administrator asking specifically about the machine
|etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf.  He/she has probably heard of it; it's pretty famous on
|the Internet.
|
|$ ftp etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf
|Connected to etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf.
|220 etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf FTP server (Ultrix Version 4.1 Tue May 8 07:03:17 EDT 1990) ready.
|Name (etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf): DAEHKCID
|331 Password required for DAEHKCID.
|Password:
|230 User DAEHKCID logged in.
|ftp> cd /pub/amiga/games/commercial
|250 CWD command successful.
|ftp> get Civilization.lha
|200 PORT command successful.
|150 Opening data connection for Civilization.lha (128.119.40.121,2331) (835969 bytes).
|226 Transfer complete.
|local: Civilization.lha remote: Civilization.lha
|836879 bytes received in 81.3 seconds
|ftp> quit
|$
|    Good luck!  Please let me know what you find out.
|
|                                                        Dan


    Some of the pirates believed this reply, too!  They wrote back for
help when they STILL couldn't reach the machine!  So for these people, I
told them that the IP number was 12.84.987.16 (or something similar) which
is an illegal Internet address.  But "etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf" has illegal
software on it, so it's only fair. :-)  I'm sure these people tried it
anyway, got "network is unreachable" error messages, and wondered what the
problem was.  Heh.

    Anyway, to teach these people a lesson, I have reported all of their
names and e-mail addresses to the anti-piracy organization, the Software
Publisher's Association ("SPA") at 800-388-PIR8.

    WAIT, before you flame me.  The previous sentence is a JOKE.  I DID
NOT report anybody to the SPA.  I am KIDDING.  But I wanted to give these
pirates a little scare and teach them three things:

    o    USENET is not the place to ask about "pirate ftp sites."
    o    Don't believe stories like mine so easily!
    o    Admitting you are a pirate to a total stranger might be a
        bad idea.

Followups are directed to comp.sys.amiga.advocacy, since this has nothing
to do with games.  Please respect the "Followup-To" line.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.games,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Pirate ftp site explodes... film at eleven
Date: 14 Oct 92 23:26:01 GMT


    I have some bad news for all you pirates out there.  The famous
pirate ftp site "etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf" suffered a massive explosion last
week.  It seems that over eleven million Internet users tried to log in
simultaneously, using the formerly-secret "DAEHKCID" username.  This
seriously overloaded the incoming telnet modem pool, and the rest is history.
The disk drive was seriously ruptured, shattering the /pub/games/commercial
directory into "/pub", "games/comm", and "ercial" directories... a classic
case of disk fragmentation.  In addition, the fried network connections were
responsible for the big News blackout that many sites experienced over the
weekend, as USENET postings reached "etarip" and fell out of the broken
Ethernet cable onto the floor.  Cleaning crews have only recently finished
stuffing those articles back into the cables and sending them on their way.

    Since I am the person who announced the existence of this site to
the world, I feel partially responsible for this loss to the well-respected
Amiga pirate community.  I would also like to apologize to everyone in
c.s.a.games for all the people who posted false, misleading followups to my
article and claimed it was a joke.  It was a totally serious article, and I
am shocked that all those stupid people thought it was funny.  Get a life,
folks!  The destruction of an Internet site is no laughing matter.

    Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I have contacted the systems
administrators of several other machines who have agreed to take over
etarip.uoy.ffo.kcuf's job.  You can find the files on the following sites:

        siht.eveileb.uoy.fi        (Finland)
        bmud.yrev.era.uoy        (Uruguay)
        eb.dluohs.setarip.lla        (Llamaland)
        erunam.esroh.ni.deppid        (Middle Earth)

If you try to reach these and your computer says "unknown host", keep
trying.  I advise that you try at least 4 times an hour for several
weeks.  Yes, this is hard work, but the rewards will be great.

    For people without ftp access, it is now also possible to receive
this pirated software on disk.  I think you'll be impressed:  the disk even
comes with documentation and the original packaging!  Simply pick up the
telephone and call any Amiga dealer or mailorder warehouse, ask for any
Amiga program, and it will be sent to you for free!  You don't even have to
ask for the special "pirated" version -- the person on the phone will know
what you want.

    Beware, though... even though the software is free, some of these
places will charge you outrageous shipping fees.  For example, when I
ordered my free copy of Deluxe Paint IV, they charged me $99.50 for
"handling"!  But at least I got the program for free.

    [Followups to c.s.a.advocacy since it's such a fun place.]

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.hardware,comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The TRUTHFUL TRUTH about the TRUE A4000/AGA graphics modes
Summary: True, all true.  Mmmm, well mostly true.  Sort of.
Keywords: chimpanzee, bladder, ancient Rome
Date: 20 Oct 92 03:35:53 GMT

    There has been a lot of confusion recently about the A4000, the AGA
chipset, and interlaced (flickering) graphics.  Don't worry -- help is
here!  The whole issue is really VERY SIMPLE, so I've decided to explain it
all very simply, using very simple words, for all you very simple people.
Simple, simple, simple.  OK?  So pay attention, you morons.

    In the beginning, there was the original graphics chipset.  It
consisted of 3 chips, called Agnostic, Dense, and Polio.  Agnostic and Dense
handled the graphics.  Unfortunately, Agnostic was always doubting whether
or not it was doing the right thing, so it would occasionally get into
terrible arguments with Dense.  As a result, the video display would
"flicker" as the two chips fought it out.

    To help prevent this problem, two solutions appeared.  The first was
the MicroWay flickerFixer, a device that plugged into the A2000 video
expansion slot.  It eliminated flicker by sending huge, electronic
shockwaves into the custom chips, frying Agnostic and Dense until they were
forced to agree and produce a stable picture.  This method of causing pain
in electronic components is known as the "Hurt" system, and you will usually
see a "Hurts" rating in the specifications of any display hardware.  It is a
measure of the amount of pain required to force the hardware to do what you
want.  If the hardware is particularly nasty, it needs a pain rating way up
in the "Kill-Or-Hurt" range.  But I digress.

    The second solution was that Commodore introduced the Enhanced Chip
Set, or "ECS".  This new chipset improved upon the original in numerous
ways, including the ability to produce high-resolution, non-interlaced
graphics.  In order to do this, they had to ridicule the poor graphics
chips, calling them insulting names like "Fat Agnostic" and
"Only-Half-Bright Dense", until they agreed to work harder.

    Unfortunately, even Commodore's feared Department of Punishing
Custom Chips could not force the little ECS to produce the graphics that
some Amiga users were demanding.  So, it was time to create a whole new
chipset!  One that could display 8-bit graphics, an enhanced HAM mode, and
satisfy Amiga users everywhere!  YES!!  It's... THE AA CHIPSET!!!!

    [Excuse me?  Oh!  I'll tell them.]

    Um, the name is now officially the "AGA" (Advanced Graphic
Architecture) chipset.  Sorry about that!

    Anyway, the AGA chipset had the capabilities of... [What?  Oh....]
Sorry folks, but Commodore has just renamed the chipset again!  It is now
called the "RAGA" (Really Advanced Graphic Architecture) chipset.

    So where was I... oh yes.  The RAGA chipset... [What NOW?  Oh, you
are kidding me.]  Folks, you won't believe it, but Commodore has just
changed the name of the chipset.  The new and final name is the "AGAIN"
chipset (Advanced Graphic Architecture, Infinite Names), or "AGA" for
short.  I'm glad we finally have that clear.

    Well, by now, I don't remember at ALL what I was talking about,
so I'll switch topics to the Amiga 4000 and flickering graphics.  Here
is where the confusion lies.  Or maybe I should say, "Here is where we
find confusion and lies."  Here are some of the current rumors:

RUMOR                    IS IT TRUE?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The A4000 has no flicker fixer.        YES

The AGA chipset always "promotes" any
non-interlaced screen to interlaced
mode.                    MAYBE

The A4000 has no flicker fixer.        NO

Dave Haynie and Mike Sinz were found
in an Ethopian "love nest" with 35
rabid opossums and a jar of
mayonnaise.                E-MAIL [e-mail] FOR PHOTOS


But rumors, as the saying goes, are "just rumors."  Here are the VERY SIMPLE
FACTS about interlaced video on the Amiga 4000.  The following eleven steps
will explain the TRUTH and tell you how to combat ANY video problem on this
machine.

(1)    First of all, on the A4000, ALL video modes flicker.  Yes, ALL of
    them -- every single one.  Anybody who tells you otherwise is
    either lying or a total dweeb.

(2)    However, Commodore's system software "promotes" these modes to be
    non-interlaced, so you don't see the flickering.  Yay!!

(3)    Even so, a program can SPECIFICALLY ASK to flicker, by calling
    the new OS 3.0 PleaseFlicker() function.  This is the system
    friendly way to force an interlaced screen for video compatibility.

(4)    But the user can easily override the PleaseFlicker() function by
    using the IControl program and selecting the "Please Don't Flicker"
    gadget.

(5)    However, even if the user has used IControl to eliminate flicker,
    there still exists ANOTHER system function buried deep in the
    heart of the operating system.  It is called ReallyFlickerAnyway()
    and it LAUGHS at the user's puny attempts to deinterlace the screen.
    This function exists not for "video compatibility", but    simply to
    make life miserable for everyone.

    NOTE:  Developers should NEVER use the ReallyFlickerAnyway()
    function unless they ABSOLUTELY MUST or if they just feel like it.

(6)    Happily, users can STILL get around the deadly ReallyFlickerAnyway()
    function by running any of the 3,857,294 freely distributable
    anti-flicker programs, such as Marc Barrett's "FlickerSucks"
    utility.  These little programs "patch" the operating system to
    detect flickering screens and take an appropriate action.  For
    example, whenever Marc's program notices that a "bad" screen will
    be opened, it cleverly displays a gigantic requester complaining
    about the flicker. (Curiously, the program doesn't FIX the screen
    -- it just complains.)

    In any case, there are other utilities around if Marc's doesn't fit
    your needs.

(7)    Unfortunately, Marc has a split personality, and his evil twin
    wrote an awful program called "The_A4000_Is_A_Kludge", which
    defeats those nice flicker-fixing utilities mentioned in step (6).
    Oh no!!  And to make things worse, Marc somehow managed to get
    this program onto the A4000 Install disk so it automatically runs
    on every A4000 shipped!

    But don't panic -- just delete the program (it's in the WBStartup
    drawer) and your worries will go away.

(8)    But even now, some programs break the programming rules, bypass the
    Amiga operating system, and go straight to the hardware, stuffing
    values directly into the GR_FLKR register and causing the fatal
    flicker.  Once again, your little anti-flicker utilities can't help.

(9)    To solve the problem of these hardware-banging programs, simply buy
    a Commodore A2320 or other deinterlacer and install it in the A4000
    processor slot or joystick port or wherever the hell it goes.  Now,
    even those illegally-programmed games and demos will look wonderful.

(10)    However, some A4000 video modes have too many bitplanes to work with
    the A2320, so these can't be deinterlaced so easily.  Oh no!  Can
    anything be done about this??

(11)    Don't worry!  As stated above, Commodore's system software promotes
    these modes to be non-interlaced.  Go to step (3).

    So, there you have the complete information!  These steps should
explain EVERYTHING you need to know about the Amiga 4000 and flickering
screens.  If you have any further questions, please post them in alt.flicker
or rec.arts.birdpoop because you are obviously very stupid, and even I
can't help you.

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.graphics
Subject: The ultimate, ULTIMATE *ULTIMATE* MORPHING PROGRAM... ppthht!
Summary: A morph is a morph, of corph, of corph...
Keywords: Mr. Ed, taco sauce
Date: 5 Nov 92 21:06:12 GMT

    All of these vendor arguments about "whose Morphing software is
best" are totally LAME.  Especially since the *true* BEST morpher is
NONE OF THE ABOVE!  Of course, I'm talking about...

            *** MORPHMORPHMONGER ***

the FASTEST, COOLEST, and most VIOLENT morph program in the Amiga
marketplace, brought to you by the ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS at BLAZEMONGER
INCORPORATED!!!  Get a load of these AWESOME FEATURES, DOOD, and see how
NONE of those other PSEUDO-morphers can COMPARE:

                    MMM    ASDG    BB    Cinemorph
Graphic Interface
1. Infinite number of infinitely
   large windows            YES    NO    NO    NO
2. Onionskin, Quayle-potatoe skin,
   crispy skin, and HUMAN skin        YES    NO    NO    NO
3. Zoom IN, zoom OUT, zoom AT, and
   zoom BETWEEN                YES    NO    NO    NO
4. Full motion, 6000 fps, real-time,
   cholesterol-free, dolphin-safe,
   Cheez-Whiz-induced HALLUCINATIONS    YES    NO    NO    NO
5. On-screen rectal thermometer        YES    YES    NO    NO

Warping Technology
1. Guaranteed to warp young minds    YES    NO    NO    NO
2. Created by warped programmers    YES    MAYBE    MAYBE    MAYBE
3. Ahead warp factor 9, Scotty        YES    NO    NO    NO
4. Ability to warp the monitor screen
   glass into amusing, vaguely sexual
   shapes                YES    NO    YES    NO

Morphing Technology
1. Morpher your money            YES    BOO    BAD    PUN
2. Support for morphing images larger
   than your available reality        YES    NO    NO    NO
3. Audio module that plays the number
   one hit, "Morph Me Till It Hurts"
   by the Mutated Babies        YES    NO    NO    NO

Other Unique Features
1. Live goats provided via mail-in
   rebate coupon            YES    NO    NO    YES
2. "CIA-frying" mode            YES    NO    NO    NO
3. Copy protected            VERY    NO    NO    NO
4. Packaging contains photographs
   of naked ASDG, BB, and Cinemorph
   programmers being morphed into
   the shape of waxed fruit        NO*    NO    NO    NO

        * Available on request.

5. Endorsed by Carl Sagan's butcher    YES    NO    NO    NO
6. Satisfaction GUARANTEED or else
   we break your legs            YES    NO    NO    NO

    So take THAT, you hopeless, third-rate PRETENDERS TO THE THRONE!
MORPHMORPHMONGER is ALL that ANYBODY EVER NEEDS to perform the most
STUNNING, AMAZING, and HIGHLY ILLEGAL morphs IMAGINABLE!

    MORPHMORPHMONGER, and its optional kit, MORPHMORPHMONGERMODULES,
will be available in the 5th quarter of this year.  Watch for it!

                                                        Dan

 //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/////////////////////////////////////
---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.