The Office of the President of the United States. Arguably the most powerful position on the face of the earth. The person holding this office has the freedom and power to do virtually anything, anytime, anywhere. So why in the world would we make fun of someone who could vaporize our offices or audit our taxes back to the early 50's? Why not? Our tax records only go back one year. Do you think Pravda would do a parody of a Gorbachev press conference? Not unless they wanted to relocate to Siberia. With our freedom to taunt high level government officials rooted in a solid tradition of Rickletonian diplomacy, we bring you the opportun- ity to run your very own Presidential press conference. You are an integral part of the President's entourage: the Press Secretary. Okay, so you're not exactly the key- stone, but you are more important than the Master of Protocol, okay? The press has submitted their questions to you and now you are responsible for passing them on to the President and First Lady. Select the number of the question you wish the Presidential Couple to field and they'll respond according- ly. And just as in real life, ask the same question at another time and you may get a different answer. Also, at the end of the formal press conference you'll be able to ask a couple of questions of your own. Without further ado I give you the President and First Lady of the United States, Ronald and Nancy. (NOTE: You will be able to choose only ONE question per screen.) Let me start by saying that I like the press. Hey, I used to be one of you, y'know. I used to call football games back in the good old days. So, let me speak honestly. I'm going to take a pointer from a predecessor of mine, Dick Nixon, and be totally honest with you people. I think you've made too much of these South African and Nicaraguan things. Just leave it to the professionals. I know what you're saying, it's the professionals that got me into trouble in the first place. Well, let me tell you, I never wanted that Don Regan anyway, but as you know, Bonzo had passed on. And I'll tell you, John Wayne would have made a helluva Secretary of Defense, don't you think? Well, enough happy talk, let's have a few questions. QUESTION #1 Nancy, we've heard what your husband thinks about the tax bill he signed. What do you think? QUESTION #2 Mr. President, once and for all, please tell the American people everything you know about the Iran-Contra scandal. QUESTION #3 Ma'am, how's the fabled White House china holding up? You signed a tax bill? How could you do that without asking me? I thought our agreement was that we would split all the bills 50/50? How much was it anyway? Is there enough in the checking account to cover it? Ron, what am I going to do with you?I think an overhaul was long overdue. Oh, those tax forms are so dreary! "Take the figure from Line 4, add it to the figure on Line 5 and write the result on Line 6." Boring, boring, boring. All those columns and tiny little words. I'm going to redo the whole thing. If you owe us any money you'll fill out the chartreuse form, if you're getting some back fill out the mauve one. I promise you that taxation will be so much more stylish from now on.Tax? Oh yes, tax. That's the extra money I have to pay when I buy things. Right? Well, there's one thing I know for sure and that's tax can't be too terribly important. After all, it's not included.I really don't approve of you press people confusing the issue by calling this thing a "scandal." Back where I come from, if you take a bunch of junk and sell it for $12 million it's called making yourself a pretty darn good deal ..... And about this Swiss bank account thing, it makes perfect fiscal sense: they didn't have a service charge. And they offered free money transfers. To anywhere in the world. ..... Besides, no one really has anything to show for all this. The Iranians blew up all the stuff we sold them and the Contras went out and bought junk like food and clothes and there you go, $12 million down the drain. Except when we opened the Swiss bank account we did get a toaster-oven. A very nice one, in fact.All I know is what I read in the papers, and the papers say that someone's been operating from the basement of the White House. So, I sent a crack squad of investigators down there. They didn't find a thing. No desk, no phone, nothing. No one's been down there in years. And no wonder, you should see that basement! I don't think Jimmy Carter cleaned it out once. There's still a bunch of LBJ stuff down there.Everyone's so steamed because we sold some stuff to the Iranians when we're really backing the Iraqis. So what did we do for the Iraqis, you ask? For starters we beamed the Super Bowl over there. Then we shipped them a bunch of gift certificates for free Big Macs. And don't forget about the complimentary memberships in the Columbia Compact Disc Club. All the Iranians got from us were guns and ammo. Now who do YOU think got the best deal?If you thought the china was something, wait till you see the Tupperware.It's fine, why do you ask? We don't actually use it. Styrofoam can be so versatile you know and, oh my, so practical.The White House china is holding up marvelously, thank you. And such an improvement, let me tell you. You should have seen the stuff that was here when we moved in. It was left over from LBJ, I had it taken down to the basement. QUESTION #1 Mr. President, our relationship with the Russians has severely deteriorated in the last few years, what do you intend to do about it? QUESTION #2 SDI, or Star Wars, has contributed a great deal to our problems with the Russians. Are there any plans to scrap it or are we going ahead? QUESTION #3 Your "Say No to Drugs" campaign seems to be going quite well, Nancy. What's next? Well, I'm glad you asked. Maybe I should have saved this for another news conference, but why not bring it out right here? I've decided to take a bold step forward and take our negotiations down to a baser level where we can settle things once and for all. Here, officially, I challenge Mikhail Gorbachev to a game of one-on-one basketball. Make it, take it. First one to 21 points gets control of every nuclear device in the entire world.And in the spirit of worldwide challenge, I challenge Mrs. Gorbachev to three rounds of full contact karate. Scoring on the three point must system with no saves by the bell. The winner gets to compete with Maggie Thatcher for the sole right to set fashion trends for terribly successful and wealthy middle-aged women for the next 20 years.You press people are always saying that I blame things on you. Well, this time you're getting a break. One of the main reasons the Russians are mad is because of ABC-TV. Not the news department, but the mini-series department. Think about it. Last year on "The Day After" ABC shows the Russians blowing up a nice little town in Kansas and this year they've got the Russians occupying Indiana in "Amerika." Needless to say, the Russians aren't real popular in America's heartland. I'd be upset, too.Now I'd have to say that's an exaggeration on behalf of the press. You're right, Gorbachev and I haven't talked for a while. But I've been really busy and, well, I've been meaning to call. I'm sure my friend, Mikhail, would say the same thing.Yes, we're going ahead with the SDI Star Wars Defense Program, but most people are gravely misinformed about it. Sure it defends us against the Russians now, but what about the future? What about the force? It does exist, George Lucas told me so. And George wouldn't lie. So we're getting ready now. The Air Force wants the guns that Luke Skywalker used that never ever run out of ammo. And Sperry Rand is working around the clock to perfect a functional light saber.How much are we spending on this thing? About a zillion billion dollars, right? And where would it be going if it weren't going to SDI? We'd be spending it on highways, feeding the poor, pollution control and things like that. Bor-ring. For the same money we can build huge particle beam cannons and float them in low level orbit. It's like a giant erector set, only better.I can say we are definitely going ahead, but I still don't like that term "Star Wars." So, I've come up with a brand new name. It's still SDI, only now it stands for Super Duper Investment. That ought to help the image a lot. Don't you agree?We are making headway on some of the major fronts, but I have just been presented some new statistics which I find quite alarming. Americans take millions of aspirin tablets every day. Billions every year. And as you well know, aspirin is not very nice to your stomach. Sure, it may help your headache today, but just sit down and think about the consequences you'll have to face tomorrow. A sour stomach is one of the early signs of addiction. Don't think it can't happen to you. Tylenol helps, but it isn't a cure.I've got an album in the works. I'm doing some videos, I'm even thinking about another movie. I've been asked to play Rocky's mom and the Kennedy Center wants me to play Ophelia in Hamlet.Next, I'm doing a video cassette. "Nap With Nancy" is the name. I'll have the complete step by step procedure for effective, restful napping. What to eat, where to go, what to bring, what to wear, how long to nap. It's going to be a big help to everyone and will be available at your book or video store soon. Happy napping! QUESTION #1 Once and for all, sir, explain how we got involved in Grenada. QUESTION #2 What do you and the President do for fun? QUESTION #3 Sir, who's your pick for the Republican nomination for '88? The reason we originally went in there was actually because of a funny misunderstanding. I heard about this place being taken over and I knew there were American medical students involved who could be in danger. But, now here's the funny part, I thought they meant "Nevada," not "Grenada." I mean, seriously, why on earth would I spend millions of dollars and risk thousands of lives to rescue medical students who are halfway around the world? If they couldn't get into a decent medical school how did they think they were going to make it anyway?You say Grenayda, I say Grenahda, let's call the whole thing off. Hee-hee. But seriously, Grenada. I had one once, had nothing but trouble with it. First it was the transmission, then it was the heater. I'll never get involved with anything like that again.That was one of old Cappy Weinberger's deals. When he started that I said, "Hey, Cappy, let's go play some golf." He said, "Can't do, Ron. Invading an island this afternoon." I thought he was kidding, but I guess he wasn't.We do what everyone else does. We watch TV. Especially "The Cosby Show" and "Family Ties" and, of course, we watch "Moonlighting." You know, that show reminds me of Ron and I. Ron just loves to limbo dance. Of course, not so much since the surgery. Ron dear, how low can you go these days?Belly dancing. I've been belly dancing for over 40 years. First I did it on a dare, then I started to really enjoy it. Of course, it took a little doing to get Ronnie to pick it up, but now you should see him go. And he looks so adorable with a little ruby in his navel and tiny cymbals on his fingers. Ha-cha-cha!Well, now maybe I shouldn't tell this story, but what the heck. Sometimes we lock ourselves in the Oval Office and play a little game we call "King and Queen." Ronnie, the king, will say, "Bring me Donald Regan" and I'll scream "Off with his head!" Then we print up some money with our pictures on it, stock the moat with IRS auditors and call it a night. Good honest fun, we recommend it to anyone. Right, dear?Naturally I assume they're going to nominate me and then I'll go on to serve a second term.But dear, you're already serving your second term.Ah, well, then I guess I'll go on to a third term, if that's okay with you, dear.I guess so, you know how I hate moving.George Bush looks good. Bob Dole is strong. Pat Robertson would be unique. But I'd have to say my personal favorite is Johnny Carson. After all, he's got the routine down. Work a couple of days, take a few off. Say things other people write for you and pal around with Ed McMahon. Johnny's a natural.He's kind of a dark horse, but I really think he's got a shot. I'm talking about Fritz Mondale. The Republicans are looking for someone who knows how to keep quiet and follow simple instructions from subordinates. We're not looking for initiative and we're not looking for any big ideas. Besides, Fritz makes a darn funny cartoon and that really is a legitimate consideration. QUESTION #1 Sir, you've had your problems with the press. Why is it that you blame so many things on us? QUESTION #2 "Tip" O'Neill has retired from politics. In his place as Speaker of the House is Jim Wright. How do you feel about all this? That's true, I have had my problems with the press. Especially with the Washington Post. I keep telling that kid I want the paper on the porch. Not in the bushes, not on the roof. Last Sunday I got the paper, out of the bushes as usual, and there were no comics. That threw off my whole day. I had my tea, my toast, but no comics! How was I supposed to know what was going on? So naturally, I blamed everything that happened that day on the Washington Post.Let me be completely up front with you people. You're all so, well, blameable! I can't help but blame things on you. You sit out there in your cheap suits with your upset stomachs and dull pencils. You're absolutely pathetic. You make the perfect scapegoats. And what are you going to do if someone abuses you? Spell his name wrong? Let me ask you a question: who do you abuse when you need a release? The mailman? A school crossing guard? Ah ha ha ha!Let me first apologize for blaming so many things on you folks. In my mind I know you didn't have anything to do with my ingrown toenail. And you really can't be to blame for my running out of deodorant with only one underarm done. And how could I possibly hold you responsible for that hole in my sock? How could you have known I was going to cut myself shaving this morning? But I blamed all that stuff on you anyway. Did you think I was going to take the blame myself?Tip and I are really good friends and I'll miss him. We used to go fishing all the time. He's such a colorful man. He'd use those quaint Massachusetts expressions like, "Hey, you lazy bum, fish or cut bait!" and "How'd a goofball like you get to be President?" And then I'd use one of my quaint Californian expressions, "Whatever you say I veto, so there." Even today, we still have a nice relationship.Old Tip. The classic big Irish bruiser. The broad shoulders, the red nose. Now we have Jim Wright, the smooth-talking Texan with the furry eyebrows. What are we going to do with this guy? I invited him up to the White House and all he talked about was Texas. We ate chili, we told gigantic lies, he made me pronounce "Sesquicentennial." I even had to take him downstairs and show him the junk LBJ left in my basement. I don't know if this guy's going to work out.This is not a matter to be taken lightly. The Speaker of the House is the single most powerful person in the legislative branch of government. Without a strong person in that position a President could jam anything he wants right down Congress' throat. In fact he could get just about anything passed. Raise the speed limit? Sure. Turn Lebanon into a nuclear testing site? Okay. Make Toyotas illegal? Why not? Come to think of it, these ideas aren't all that bad. Now that the Press has had a chance to "grill" the President, it's your turn. Select the question you'd like to ask and fill in the appropriate blank (25 characters maximum) and press the RETURN key. What's your first name? ________ QUESTION #12 What's the official U.S. position on _________________________ ? Well, , I am waiting for a report on that very subject, but I hate to speculate on it now. As you know I always hesitate to speculate. I own some savings bonds, but I never speculate.Let me say this about that. Oh sorry, that's someone else's script. Okay, here we go. I'm not really briefed on . But I'll get on it right away. I'll call you later, okay?, that is something I feel very strongly about. However, there is no reference to in my script. I must've lost a page. Next question. QUESTION #13 Ron, what is your favorite _________________________ ? , I couldn't pick just one . I like them all so much.Ah yes, my favorite . I have so many fond memories about that. If only I could remember them., let me tell you once and for all. No matter what the circumstances, I never play favorites. Never. QUESTION #14 Mr. President, what are your feelings on _________________________ ? Feelings, ho-whoa-whoa feeeellll-iiiinnnnnggs, again in my life. Hey, you're a beautiful audience, thank you, thank you. Next question.I'm afraid my feelings are strictly confidential. In fact, , they're so confidential I have to wait 24 hours before they are even revealed to me.My feelings on are very definite. I always try to see everything in black and white. Everything looks better in black and white. Especially my movies. QUESTION #15 Tell me about ______________________ ? Now that's an interesting subject. We've been spending millions on that. Of course we don't have the report back yet. Or if we do I don't have it. I haven't seen it. Really. Honest. Next question.I don't like to talk about . Number one, I don't understand it and, number two, I can barely pronounce it. And if I can't pronounce it effectively on television, it's stricken from the agenda. End of subject. Next question.Now , we don't really have time to talk about . That's a story involving excruciating detail that could take hours to tell and need weeks of complicated analysis to properly examine. Then George Will and Sam Donaldson would have to argue about it and then...what were we talking about again?Well, that's it. The First Lady and I won't be able to take anymore questions this afternoon. Thank you all very much ..... C'mon, Nancy, let's go have some milk and cookies. Then maybe I'll take a nap and sign some bills.You aren't signing anything until you finish every drop of that milk, buster.Aw, Nance.
