The Black Plague, squirrels in the attic, selecting a new bank: fates worse than death. I've successfully avoided the first two, but I've had to come to grips with the last. The time had come for me to select a new bank because our old bank was too far from where we now lived. There is something about banks that strikes fear into the bravest of hearts. I think it has something to do with the fact that they are so blatant about asking for your most personal, most private information - the state of your FINANCES! My mother doesn't even know some of the things they want me to shout out in the middle of the lobby. So this time I decided to trick them. I would sneak into the lobby, surreptitiously palm brochures, and study up on the accounts so I would know what I wanted before I even hit the front door. I would be like a well trained warrior, a Conan of the New Accounts Department! I obtained information from three banks between my home and my place of work. Thinking most fees and services would be the same, I figured my biggest problem would be choosing the bank with the most up-front park- ing spaces or best drive-thru facility. WRONG! Here's how three banks in my neighborhood stacked up to each other. OPENING A CHECKING ACCOUNT Bank A - Offers Service Charge Free Checking as long as your account has an average balance of $5000 per month and you main- tain a savings account with the same average balance. Bank B - Three different service charges dependent upon your monthly balance. Bank C - Doesn't charge fees if a high tide occurs during a full moon. REORDERING CHECKS Bank A - Pays for your checks if you have $5000 in your account on the day the checks are ordered. You get "regulation blue/ top-tear/single-issue/quantity 200/wallet size." Bank B - Offers a variety of styles, colors and sizes at reasonable prices. Bank C - The president's brother-in- law owns a print shop where they get all their checks. The bank can take care of it or you can stop by Ernie the Budget Printer yourself. Price varies wildly. RETURNING CANCELLED CHECKS Bank A - Returns your cancelled checks at no charge as long as you have $5000 in the account on the day your statement is prepared. Bank B - Returns your checks for a very small fee. Bank C - Burns your checks after paying them. (They do, how- ever, microfilm your checks so if you ever need one you have only to pay a $20 "retrieval, capture & dupli- cation" fee to get a copy.) Next were the brochures on other services, such as money cards (for automated teller machines), cashiers checks and wire transfers. MONEY CARDS Bank A - Doesn't charge for your card as long as you have $5000 or more in the bank on the day you use it. Bank B - Charges a set monthly fee, but you can make as many with- drawals as you want for that same fee. Bank C - Charges a small fee if the card is used on Mon-Wed-Fri. Also a fee if it is used on Tues-Thurs-Sat. There is a higher fee if the card is used on Sunday, after 6:30am. Bank C also charges an extra fee if the card is used at any ATM other than Bank C's "Cash Convenience Centre." Bank C's ATM is located on the 7th floor of the bank building behind the cafeteria. WIRE TRANSFERS Bank A - Charges for all wires not being deposited into a Bank A 5-year CD. Bank B - Charges a reasonable fee for incoming and outgoing. Bank C - Says they don't know what a "wire" is, but reserve the right to charge for one. CASHIERS CHECKS Bank A - Charges for all cashiers checks unless...you guessed it!...you have $5000 in your account on the day you buy the cashiers check. Bank B - Charges for all cashiers checks; one fee is for bank customers and another fee for non-depositors. Bank C - Issues free cashiers checks from 8:30 a.m. to 8:33 a.m., Monday mornings only. All other times fees for cashiers checks are determined by dividing the customer's weight by his age, and multiplying by 37%. After careful review of all the brochures I finally decided I couldn't afford Bank A; Bank C was a cross between Jeopardy, Monopoly and Wheel of Fortune. That left me with Bank B, which was almost a carbon copy of my current bank, only closer. Was distance alone enough of an incentive to suffer the indigni- ties of baring my checkbook in front of complete strangers? To submit to the mental anguish of having to reveal the most private details concerning how many checks I write per month? To have to "break-in" a new staff of bank employees and, heaven forbid, a new bank OFFICER? I think I just made my decision. I'm calling my old bank and asking if they have bank-by-mail envelopes! (ELLEN SCHUM is an officer with a major financial institution.)
