Play and Learn 2/19941.ZIP/19941/EDUCMISC/PARENTS/DISCHELP.TXT

Text File | 1994-02-04 | 9.1 KB | 179 lines

Discipline has received a lot of bad press as   1
the enemy of personal freedom.  The reasoning   2
is that if you want children to grow up free    3
and to develop their own unique potential, then 4
you really don't want to break their spirit by  5
imposing your will on them.                     6
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To discipline a child means to punish him for   8
doing something wrong.  It involves holding the 9
child accountable for living up to your expecta-10
tions.  In general, we do not like to have to   11
discipline.  Even though we want a child to live12
up to our standards, we would like them to do so13
because they want to rather than because we     14
are making them do it.                          15
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We would like to have our children behave.  In  17
fact, we would like our children's behavior to  18
be such that we do not have to worry about what 19
they are doing. We would like to be able to     20
trust them to use sound judgment regardless of  21
the circumstancess that they find themselves in.22
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We want our children to demonstrate self-disci- 24
pline as they go through life.  We would like   25
them to stick to things that matter and to say  26
no to things that take them from the "right"    27
path, whether these distractions come from      28
others or from personal weakness.               29
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Self-discipline is a virtue.                    31
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Self-control gives us choice and allows us to   33
choose what we will do when confronted by life. 34
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When we have a lot of control, we can even make 36
ourselves do something that we really do not    37
want to do, but is in our best interest or for  38
the good of those around us.                    39
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Children, in particular, are likely to want to  41
do things that are either dangerous or disturb- 42
ing to those around them.  Indeed, children     43
do things for no better reason than to see what 44
will happen if they do it.  In order to remain  45
safe and to get along with those around them,   46
some measure of control is called for.          47
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The amount of control necessary is really a     49
matter of judgment.  When is a child safe?      50
What does it take to get along with others and  51
to make it in society?  These are questions that52
have no single answer.                          53
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If an adult has problems deciding these things  55
with all of the experience and learning that has56
taken place, a child is in no position to make  57
such judgments.  A child must depend on @2      58
caretakers to keep @1 safe.  They need to show  59
@1 the limits of safety so @3 can survive and   60
thrive in the world.  Ideally, these limits also61
provide ample room for self-expression          62
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Children do not come into the world with a      65
sense of what the limits ought to be.  They     66
learn any sense of what works and will keep     67
them safe.  They watch, listen, and experiment. 68
As the result of their experiences, they learn  69
the limits to place on their behavior.  They    70
learn what will happen if they do not live      71
within the limits and they struggle to keep     72
their behavior within these limits.             73
                                                74
Anything that makes learning these difficult,   75
complex lessons easier is helpful.  Clarity,    76
predictability, understandability are useful, as77
are lessons which are not too taxing and are    78
fun or rewarding.                               79
                                                80
Children cannot begin to keep their behavior    81
within the limits if they do not understand what82
the limits are or what is expected of them.     83
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They pick up what is acceptable or expected from85
what people tell them and by what they do.  To a86
child, what someone does is far more important  87
than what they say.  Words only have importance 88
when they expand on deeds.                      89
                                                90
When we watch the world, we pick up many        91
attitudes and methods. Children are even more   92
tuned to example than we are.  They model or    93
copy behavior from you and have an uncanny      94
ability to know if you mean it.                 95
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The lives we lead are not simple and the        97
world we prepare our children for is equally    98
complex.  What works or is acceptable in one    99
place may not work or be acceptable in another. 100
For example, what works at school or with       101
friends may not be tolerated at home.           102
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As we gain more experience, we learn to make    104
distinctions.  We learn when rules apply and    105
why they apply.  Some of these distinctions can 106
be made before things happen, others can only be107
made as the result of experience.               108
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One of the most powerful tools you can give a   110
child is the ability to learn from experience.  111
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Control implies a lot of different things.      113
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First, it implies that things can be controlled.115
For a child that often means the capacity to    116
control @1 self.                                117
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Second, control means that whatever is happening119
will not push you beyond your capacity to under-120
stand or manage.                                121
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Finally, control means that you can draw on the 123
strengths that you have available and that you  124
will not give into your weaknesses.             125
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Whether or not you control your behavior is up  129
to you.  You have to want to exercise control.  130
You have to have reasons to do so.              131
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Two types of things supply reasons for control- 133
ling your behavior:  you want what you will get 134
for doing so (the rewards) or you want to avoid 135
the things that happen if you don't control     136
your behavior (the punishments).                137
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Both internal and external rewards give you     139
reasons to do something.  Punishments give you  140
reasons to avoid doing something, but they do   141
not give you reasons to do something right.     142
Discipline rests on reward and punishment.      143
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Much of our behavior is under control of what   145
will happen to us if we do it and what the      146
consequences will be if we do not do it.        147
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When we expect others to reward us for what we  149
do, or anticipate their displeasure if we do not150
do it, our behavior is externally controlled.   151
If we control our behavior in order to seek an  152
internal sense of satisfaction or to avoid a    153
sense of dissatisfaction, our behavior is inter-154
nally controlled.                               155
In either case, we are disciplined.  Our behav- 156
ior is predictable.  If we are externally con-  157
trolled, our behavior is predictable when some- 158
one is there to reward or to punish us.         159
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Here, I will define discipline for you and help 161
you understand how I use this concept.  This    162
will help orient you for what I have to offer.  163
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This information is presented on ten different  166
screens.  Each screen contains information on   167
one facet of discipline.  Additional detailed   168
information on each facet is available if you   169
want to see it.                                 170
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In this section, I am simply providing you with 172
information.  I will not ask you any questions. 173
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Go through it at your own pace.                 175
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