NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/soc/men/23257

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-25 | 6.4 KB

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From: [e-mail]
Subject: Re: Men bonding with their Children.
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
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Organization: UNC Charlotte
References:  <[e-mail]>
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 19:41:24 GMT
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In article <[e-mail]>
[e-mail] (starbuck) writes:

>
>The greatest myth of the feminist is that the women
>nuture by default and men, well we all know how they feel
>about men.  What is overlooked is the fact that men nuture
>and bond with others especially with their children.
>
>Now I have noted that some men do not know how bond and
>nuture with their children both natural and step.  So I
>would like to share some of my priviate life with you and
>how I nutured and bonded with my daughter.  I could write
>a book or two on it, so to spare the reader I will make
>a list.  My list is imcomplete since I am only one person.
>I do wish that other men would add to it from their own
>lives so others may share our success or in some cases benifit
>from our failures.
>
>Some of the ways I have bonded and nurtured our daughter.
>
>01.  I made a point of changing diapers, feeding, and conforting
>     Meg when she was an infant.
>
>02.  As soon as Meg was old enough to ride in a backpack or front
>     pack I took her with me everywhere I could.  Even if I were
>     only going to the store for a box of laundry soap.  I took
>     her for walks with or without our dogs.  I took her out to
>     eat.
>
>03.  I talked with Meg all the time about anything and everything.
>     I told her often how I love her.
>
>04.  I gave her baths.
>
>05.  I worked my schedule around my wife's so daycare was very
>     limited.  In the early years we went to drive in movies so
>     she could be with us.
>
>06.  As she became a todler I played with her.  Finger paints,
>     ripping paper, going walking about, going to the playground,
>     taking her to the YMCA to the toddler and parent swimming
>     classes, letting her explore her world with as little restricions
>     as posible.
>
>07.  As she became a juvinile I joined the YMCA program Indian Princess's.
>     Don't let the name throw you.  It is an activity for daugter and
>     Dad based on our Native American Culture.  OK, not pure but positive
>     image of Native Americans.  Anyway we had meetings where daughter
>     and Dad began joint projects and planed activities.  Such as the
>     Pine Wood Derby where Dad and daughter each made a car to race.  The
>     Pancake Breakfast where Dad and dauther worked with others to raise
>     money.  And about six camping trips.  ( Where after the daugters
>     went to sleep the Dads do a little male bonding on their own.  And
>     much more.
>
>08.  I took her to ballet lessions, and other activities for children
>     at the Y.
>
>09.  When at six she wanted to learn how to roller skate I took her to
>     Children 10 and their parents session, and lessons where we both
>     learned to skate.  She now is 14 and we still go skating together.
>     Not to mention how much I found I loved to skate.
>
>10.  I made a point of talking with all her teachers frequently durring
>     the years.  I worked school functions and attended almost all progams
>     that she was in even if I had to fib to get out of work to be there.
>
>11.  When a choice came up between my interests and her development I
>     almost always put mine off and put her first.
>
>12.  I tutored her in the begining in all her subjects until she got to
>     the point that she did not want my help.  She can now do it on her
>     own.  As she said to me recently, "If I need you to help me I will
>     ask".  The first trimester this year she made the honor society.
>
>13.  I have spent many hours talking with her about life and how to live
>     it.  When I have noted that something was wrong I found that if we
>     drove around in the car and talked she would open up and I could help
>     her out.  Now she comes to me to discuss problems.  Better still
>     she now tells me how she has taken care of a problem.
>
>14.  I spent time on our relationship.  I can see that she is now in
>     transition from childhood to adulthood and can see the result of
>     my actions as a parent.  I am working on letting go of control
>     of her life slowly but with a lot of thought.  To me this is
>     difficult knowing how much freedom to give her.  Once given
>     it cannot be taken back.
>
>I could go on and on and on about events in our lives where nurturing
>and bonding have taken place in our lives but I am only one man.  What
>I have done will not be the same or approprate for others.  I would like
>to hear from other men how they have bonded with their children with
>particular interest those men with teen's.
>
>Bond on and love you children!
>
>starbuch

You sound as though you were a great Dad.  It is, however, sad but true
that there are SOME Fathers who think that their "job" as a parent is to
work and make money, and that the "hands-on parenting" is the Mother's
job, and that when they aren't working they need to relax (which means
either doing things with their men friends, or watching football on TV, or
something like that); the only time they become directly involved is when
the kid(s) do something MAJORLY bad, which the Mother feels that she cannot
punsh appropriately herself; the Father will then mete out the punishment and
then scold the Mother for allowing things to go so far.

PLEASE note, that a) this is an extreme version; most men come somewhere in
between the two extremes and b) the above is NOT autobiographical--my own
Father was NOT like this.

How/why this sort of Father arose is a complicated issue; that most people
now doubt if such a Father has opposable thumbs is also true; it is also
true that some (not all) feminists have been propagating the lie that
only Mothers REALLY love their children, and that if men want children it
is for selfish reasons.




Another Rust-Belt Yankee Exile in Charlotte!

Any opinions expressed are mine, not those of the Atkins Library.

Bruce Alan Wilson [e-mail]
I have no children myself, but I plan that if/when I do I will be involved
in their upbringing beyond providing the material benefits.