NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/alt/kidstal/2082

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-22 | 88.7 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!utoday!jaflrn!mertwig!daniel
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Drucker)
Newsgroups: alt.kids-talk
Subject: *** computer songs
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 18:49:10 EST
Reply-To: [e-mail]  (Daniel Drucker)
Organization: Abnormalities of Reality
Lines: 3173


Heres a collection of computer songs. The end is chopped cause my .Z
file was munged.

I'm including Can't Parse this right here so you don't get bored right away.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Can't parse this
Original : U Can't Touch This
Group    : MC Hammer
Author   : patrick widener <[e-mail]>
Intro    : rap it to the tune of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer,
       and watch your phrasing.... :)
Song     :


can't parse this


my assignments hit me so hard
make me say, "oh my lord
thank you for blessin me
with a load to code and a 2 hype seat"
right here, in front of a Sparc
looks good in the light, looks better in the dark
but it tells me -  in a manner quite harsh
"This is a string I can't parse"

(I told ya, kludge-boy)
Can't Parse This
(yea, a fatal error and you know)
Can't Parse This
(look at that code, maaaan)
Can't Parse This
(yo lemme bust some funky diagnostics)

"fresh new bugs, and errors
your code is more than compiler terror
it's rotten - to the core
i don't like it but you know i'll get more
than i can handle
hold on
identifier not found or your semicolon's gone
step back - step back
can't you see i'm developing a crack
in my hardware - your code's a farce
cause this is a string I Can't Parse"

(yo i told ya)
Can't Parse This
(why you sittin there, man)
Can't Parse This
(yo, sound the terminal bell, ya got mail, sucka)

compile-time bugs disrupt my rhythm
it's tellin me trash is what i'm givin him
it's garbage, in and out
but instead of a nice little a.out
i get feedback
fed back
to me by this here RISC machine
no fun
what's it gonna take in the 90s to run these programs
4GLs?
either learn those or wind up in hell

that's longWORD because you know
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

top-down!

Stop!  Compile Time!

go with the flow
it is said if you can't write in C then you probably are dead
so wave K&R in the air
waste a few nights, run your fingers thru your hair
this is it
no dinner - code like this and you'll surely get thinner
sitting

on your rump
watch your machine cause it's gonna do a dump
dump dump dump (core dumped)

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
(ya better get Turbo cause I can't)
I Can't Parse This
(ring the bell, your mail's been returned)

shutdown!

Stop!  Link Time!

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This

slowdown!
Stop!  Run Time!

every time I program
it complains about my code
maybe i'm in the wrong book or Emacs is in the wrong mode
now i know that i'll never stop doing this
cause our 3rd party software keeps on giving us fits
i did an RTFM
read K&R all day
it's "Error!" "Big Error!" "Nasty Error!" "FATAL ERROR!"
so instead i'll go and play

Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
I Can't Parse This
(yeah)
Can't Parse This
(i told ya, wahoos,)
Can't Parse This
(too many symbols)
Can't Parse This
(yo, we're outa here)
Can't P-- bus error (core dumped)

(c) 1991 Radio Free Lerxstwood


             COMPUTER SONGS AND POEMS
             =====<version 1.3>======
             ------30-Dec-1992-------


    (Song and poem parodies with computer related subjects)


collected & reformatted by Stefan Haenssgen <[e-mail]>


The entries are formatted as follows, seperated by a line of "@"s :

Title    : The title of the parody
Original : The title of the original
Group    : The one(s) who performed the original
Author   : Author of the parody
Info     : Additional Comments by the Author
Song     : The Parody itself


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Title    : 0x0d2c
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : Bill Mitchell <[e-mail]>
Intro    :
Song     :


           0x0d2c
           ------

      May all your signals trap
    May your references be bounded
       All memory aligned
       Floats to ints be rounded

    Remember....

      Nonzero is TRUE
        ++ adds one
       Arrays start with [0]
    NULL points to none

    For octal use zero
      0x means in hex
        use = to set
     and == for a test

    Use -> for a pointer
     a dot if it's not
      ?: is confusing
      use this a lot

    a.out is your program
    there's no 'u' in foobar
       and char (*(*x())[])() is
     a function returning a pointer
    to an array of pointers
      to functions returning a char


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : 99 Buckets of Bits
Original : 99 Bottles of Beer
Group    : ?
Author   : "Jonathan E. Katz" <[e-mail]>
Intro    : (of course 90 buckets of bits then becomes 8f buckets of bits...)
       buckets can also be replaced by bytes
Song     :

99 buckets of bits on the bus,
99 buckets of bits.
take one down,
short it to ground.
98 buckets of bits on the bus..


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Title    : A Better Model
Original : A Modern Major-General
Group    : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author   : Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
Intro    :
Song     :

                A Better Model
                ==============
         by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
             Submitted by "Spam"
         Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"
               by Gilbert and Sullivan


I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

Chorus:  His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
     His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
     His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.

The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;
At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;
While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;
The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well;
And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?

Cho:  And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
      And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
      And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?

By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.

In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering,
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.

Cho:  You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
      You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
      You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.

Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,
But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

Cho:  But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
      He's built a better model than the one at Data General.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title    : A Graphic Song ("It's a commie plot")
Original : "Catch a Wave"
Author   : ?
Info     : Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
Song     :


Lead:   Nobody wants to try the greatest hack around
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   Everybody tries it once
Lead:   Those who have just want to shut it down
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   You cut some code, then compile and link,
    and then you - turn on the plotter, fill the pens with ink,
Tutti:  You gotta -
    Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

Lead:   Not just DECgraph, 'cause it's been plotting on so long
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   It's been going now for hours
Lead:   They said it wouldn't plot that long
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   They'll eat their words with a forkin' VAX, just watch 'em -
    they rasterize in real time - it drags ass
Tutti:  You gotta -
    Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

Lead:   So take a lesson from a top-notch hacker boy
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass:   Get yourself RSX
Lead:   But don't you treat it like a toy
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead:   So stick your plot, go ahead and whine, look fella -
    we don't plot 'round here, this is real time
Tutti:  You gotta -
    Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
    Plot, plot, where the sun never shines
    Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.

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Title    : A is for Apple
Original : A is for Apple
Group    : Traditional
Author   : Douglas Spencer
Intro    :
Song     :


A is for Apple

by Douglas Spencer
Computer Systems Administrator,  Anderman and Co Ltd


    A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs,
    D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax.
    C is the language in which we write source,
and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course.

    E is an ERROR when code is compiled,
    F is a FORK for creating a child,
    G is the GETTY that sits on the line,
and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER

    I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit,
    J is the JOY when the cables all fit.
    K is for KERMIT, to copy a file,
and L are the LINES that we drop all the while.

    M is the MODEM we use from our home,
    N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone,
    O is the OUTPUT we get from the host,
and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post.

    Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort,
    R is the REASON sigquit should be caught.
    S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore,
and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core.

    U is for UNIX -- I hope that is clear,
    V is the VISUAL editor here.
    W stands for the WINDOWS we use,
and X for the windowing system we choose.

    Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool,
    Z for the snores from the programming pool.
    Written while waiting while dinner was cooking

submitted by chiyo to funny@looking.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Addicted to News
Original : Addicted To Love
Group    : Robert Palmer
Author   : Elf Sternberg <[e-mail]>
Intro    :
Song     :

 The lights are on-- 'cause you're at home.
 Your brain's wired to your phone.
 Alt.sex, and talk.bizarre,
 You his 'reply,' start a flamewar!
 You don't sleep, you drink Coke,
 You can't stop, you might choke.
 Know what, you crave the most?
 Talk.religion, with unread posts!

 You like to think you've figured out drieux!
 Oh yeah?
 A day without net access is a day with the blues,
 You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.

 Pirate clari, you've got it all.
 Local news, e'en from Nepal?
 'End of newsgroups' is your key,
 To join *.advocacy!
 A fido gate's your latest fun,
 Mailing lists, every one.
 A one-track mind, you can't be pried,
 From your keyboard, until you've died!

 Just when you think you've figured out drieux!
 Oh, yeah!
 A day without net access is a day with the blues,
 You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.

 The lights are on, 'cause your at home.
 Your brain's wired to your phone.
 Alt.slack, talk.pol.misc,
 You've never felt a real live kiss!

        Elf !!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Addicted To Vi
Original : Addicted To Love
Group    : Robert Palmer
Author   : Chuck Musciano <[e-mail]>
Intro    : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become addicted to vi,
       I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of
       "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.
       As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women,
       all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing
       sinuously.
Song     :


Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L?  You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste!  Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Alternative Wall
Original : The Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Alan Cox <[e-mail]>, Leon Thrane,
       Jim Finnis, Alec Muffet <[e-mail]> & (?)
Intro    : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long
       drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London &
       Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988.
Song     :

              The Alternative Wall:-

 Established by:-       Anarchy, Atropos, White,
            Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed.

Nobody On
---------

I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.

My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..

Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...

              The Alternative Wall, Part Two.

Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.

UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...

             The Alternative Wall, Part Three.

The Trial
---------

Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!
CALL THE LOGFILE!

"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"

-- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer.

            The Alternative Wall, Part Four.

The UNIX Login Software
-----------------------

Is there anybody out there?

(repeat ad nauseam)

            The Alternative Wall, Part Five.

One of My Hacks
---------------
Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!

Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!

Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!

Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

               The Alternative Wall, Part Six.

Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?
----------------------------------------

What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?

How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?

              The Alternative Wall, Part Seven.

Uncomfortably Numb
------------------
Hello, is there anybody on here?
I'm here but can you see me?
Is there anyone at home?
C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down,
I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again.

Relax, I need some information first,
Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt?

There is no shell, your call is clearing,
The distant chips smoke on the breadboard,
You are only coming through off pads,
Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing.

When I was a child I caught a virus,
My filebase swelled just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again,
I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand,
This is not how I am.
I have become uncomfortably numb.

              The Alternative Wall, Part Eight.

In a Flash
----------
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the thrill of board hacking,
That luminescent glow.

I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down,
And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar,
And we're going to find out who you guys
Really are.

Have we got any oppos on the system tonight?
Grep 'em up against the wall.
There's one on Bullet,
He don't look right to me,
Grep him up agaist the wall.
That one's called Badger,
And that one's Tyrone,
Who let all this riffraff on their own;
There's one smoking a joint and
Another with sandals?
If I had my way
I'd have all of you shot.


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Title    : An Irish CPU
Original : An Irish Ballad
Group    : Tom Lehrer
Author   : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro    :
Song     :

                  AN IRISH CPU
           (to An Irish Ballad by Tom Lehrer)
               by Sarah Elizabeth Miller

About a CPU I sing,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
About a CPU I sing
Who sat around compi-a-ling
And wouldn't do another thing
For anyone else logged in, logged in,
For anyone else logged in.

Old programs it would just ignore,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Old programs it would just ignore
And leave them rotting in the core,
Not caring what they all were for
Except those in "user/bin", "user/bin",
Except those in "user/bin".

This CPU was lots of fun,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This CPU was lots of fun
Until one wanted programs run
And if one tried to get them done
It typed back "You're not logged in, logged in."
It typed back "You're not logged in."

Long processes it would not do,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Long processes it would not do
And, rather than to run them through,
Would ask to have some Irish stew
And a couple of cases of gin, of gin,
And a couple of cases of gin.

And then it would raise hellish toasts,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
And then it would raise hellish toasts
And make a few obnoxious boasts,
Not only could it drink the most,
It knew many more ways to sin, to sin.
It knew many more ways to sin.

To prove its point to all the world,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
To prove its point to all the world
It let the magtape fall in curls
And wrap around some foxy girl
And slowly rewind her in, her in,
And slowly rewind her in.

This sordid tale I won't prolong,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This sordid tale I won't prolong
And, if you do not enjoy my song,
You've got Abe to blame if it's too long.
He should never have let me begin, begin.
He should never have let me begin.


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Title    : Another Glitch in the Call
Original : Another Brick in the Wall
Group    : Pink Floyd
Author   : Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM
Intro    :
Song     :

              Another Glitch in the Call
              ==========================
        (Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.)
        (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM)

     We don't need no indirection
     We don't need no flow control
     No data typing or declarations
    Hey!  You!  Leave those lists alone!
     Chorus:
    All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
     We don't need no side effect-ing
     We don't need no scope control
     No global variables for execution
    Hey!  You!  Leave those args alone!
     (Chorus)
     We don't need no allocation
     We don't need no special nodes
     No dark bit-flipping in the functions
    Hey!  You!  Leave those bits alone!
     (Chorus)
     We don't need no compilation
     We don't need no load control
     No link edit for external bindings
    Hey!  You!  Leave that source alone!
     (Chorus, and repeat)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Another One
Original : Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : Not quite the usual parody, but nice for all UNIX fans among us :-)
Song     :


better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
    be good
}

    better !pout !cry
    better watchout
    lpr why
    santa claus <north pole >town

    cat /etc/passwd >list
    ncheck list
    ncheck list
    cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
    cat list | grep nice >giftlist
    santa claus <north pole > town

    who | grep sleeping
    who | grep awake
    who | grep bad || good
    for (goodness sake) { be good; }


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Song of Computation
Author   : Tony Duell
Original : A Song of Reproduction
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Intro    : The processor 'of storage 4 k byte' is (of course) a Philips P850,
       a minicomputer noted for its limited memory (4 k bytes was the
       maximum), RISC-like instruction set, and total lack of speed.
       After that, the PDP11/45 was a great improvement
       EI set = Extended Instruction Set, i.e. the XOR, Multiply and
       Divide instructions etc
       DW11-B was a DEC option to use Q-Bus cards on a UNIBUS PDP11. They
       are much desired by PDP11 enthusiasts, although they can cause
       problems
       NXM error = Non eXistant Memory error - what happens if there is a
       bus time-out during a DMA transfer
       Don't try to make too much sense of the spoken part in the middle
       It makes more sense than the original, anyway
Song     :

I had a little processor
With storage 4 K byte
And with an octal program
It ran throughout the night
And then they optimised it
It was much faster then
And we loaded Fortran Programs
To make it slow again

Today for computation
I'm as eager as can be
Count me among the faithful fans
of high end P - D - P

High end PDP
45's the one for me
With cartridge disk and EI set
and 6 foot rack mount cabinet
floating point boards too
complete with M M U
All the lowest bits either clear or set
What they mean now I quite forget
Still there's enough range there for national debt
With my high end PDP

(spoken)
Who configured this for you anyway?
DEC field service ?!?!?
Ooooh what a shoddy job they made of it!
Suprised they let you run that configuration on this processor, the priorities
are all wrong. If you move the tape drive down the bus after the console port,
and then re-assign the address of the system disk, then you'll still only get
adequate performance if you run modified software
I see you've got your system disk on the Q-Bus! Take that though a DW11-B bus
convertor, and via your A-leg Mux into the ALU, If you're running multi-user,
you're going to loose grants. Try to load the OS that way and what'll you get
A NXM error!

High end PDP
RSX version 3
I've a shell right here that you won't escape
On miles of 9-track recording tape
18 bit address
Will prove a great success
With the console switch, at a single touch
The lisiting comes in double dutch
But I never did care for data much
With my high end PDP

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Time for DWIM
Original : A Time for Us
Group    : theme song from Romeo and Juliet
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

         A Time for DWIM

       [to be sung to the tune of
          A Time for Us
       (theme song from Romeo and Juliet)]


A time for DWIM
There'll never be;
   No clever code
   This losing mode
Can UNDO for me.

This "golden hope"
(To be denied)
   Could never
Correctly fix the bugs my programs hide.

A way for bugs
There'll never be
To fix with generality.

So to this DWIM
Let's say farewell;
   The crocks therein
   Prove it can't win
And ring its knell:

Do What I Mean
Is just a ruse --
   It really
Means only: Fix How Teitelman doth Lose!


        -- The Great Quux
             (with apologies to
            Rota, Kusik, and Snyder)


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Title    : Automation
Original : Fascination
Group    : Jane Morgan (???)
Author   : Alan Sherman (singer), transcribed by Russell Street
        ([e-mail])
Info     : The music Sherman used had be re-arranged from the
        "original" of the song I have.
Song     :

It was automation, I know,
That was what was making the factory go.
It was IBM, it was UNIVAC,
It was all those gears going clickerty-clack, dear

I thought automation was keen,
'Till you were replaced by a ten tonne machine.
It was that computer that tore us apart, dear
Automation broke my heart.

There's an RCA 503
Standing next to me, dear, where you used to be.
Doesn't have your smile, doesn't have your shape.
Just a lot a bunch of punch cards and light bulbs and tape, dear.

Your a girl whose soft, warm and sweet.
But your only human and that's obselete.
Though I'm very fond of that new 503, dear.
Automation's not for me.

"It was automation", I'm told
That's why I got fired and I'm out in the cold
How could I have known, when the 503,
Started into blink, it was winking at me, dear.

I thought it was just some mishap.
When it sidled over and sat on my lap
But when it said "I love you" and gave me a hug, dear
That's when I pulled out it's plug


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : A Visit from Saint Woz
Original : The Night Before Christmas (A Visit from St. Nick?)
Group    : ?
Author   : Marty Knight
Intro    :
Song     :


A VISIT FROM SAINT WOZ
by Marty Knight

'Twas the night before Christmas, no sound in the house.
My GS is dusty and so is my mouse.
My dealer's gone Mac; he's too brainwashed to care.
Apple marketing smells like that old dairy-air.

My children are nestled, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Mac LCs (ugh) dance in their heads.
The GS is dead, I've heard them all say.
They might just be right; things look pretty gray.

When all of a sudden a great noise I did hear.
I woke with a start and fell flat on my rear.
Awakened from slumber I jumped up to see
tripped over the cat and twisted my knee.

The moon brightly shone on the new fallen snow.
I looked but saw nothing, then turning to go,
stopped short...  What's that?...  Is that synthLAB I hear?
Why yes!  Yes it is!  That's good reason to cheer!

I jumped and I shouted and I danced then because
I knew right away that it must be Saint Woz.
More rapid than Zip Chip, old Wozniak came.
He whistled and shouted and called out by name:

"Now Quickie!  Now Allison!  Now AppleWorks GS!
Go Claris!  On SuperConvert!  I love you Vitesse!
Platinum Paint is so cool!  Twilight Screen Blanker rules!
Who needs those old Macs when you've got Apple IIs?

"If you have been true I've got presents to dole,
but if you're like inCider you'll get lumps of coal."
So up to the housetop with the Green Team he flew;
Jim Merritt, Andy Nicholas, and Saint Wozniak, too.

I kept very quiet so that I might hear
SoundSmith tunes softly playing, spreading Apple II cheer.
Then I heard a slight scrape and as I turned 'round
down the chimney Saint Wozniak came with a bound.

He wore blue jeans and sneakers and a T-shirt that said
II-Infinitum ... II-Forever...  I had nothing to dread!
A sack of great software he had slung on his back
and he looked like a hacker there searching his pack.

His eyes twinkled brightly, his dimples so merry,
his cheeks red as apples, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth smiled a smile oh so grand.
And a full bearded chin, GDL labels in hand.

A thick slice of pizza he held tight in his teeth
and the steam from it circled his head like a wreath.
A plump little face and a round little belly.
He laughed and it shook like a bowl of grape jelly.

He was chubby and plump; a right jolly old elf.
I laughed when I saw him, for he looked like myself.
He winked right at me then he twisted his head,
so I knew deep inside I had nothing to dread.

He said not a word.  He went straight to work
programming in ORCA, then he turned with a jerk.
Then placing his finger on top of that mess,
and giving a nod... GAMES for the GS!

He jumped to his sleigh and it rose from the ground.
But before it took off I saw him turn 'round
and I heard him exclaim, 'ere he flew out of sight,
"Apple II Forever, and to all a good night!"


Copyright 1990 by Marty Knight


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Title    : BBN Superlisp
Original : Jesus Christ Superstar
Group    : from Jesus Christ Superstar
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

        BBN Superlisp

       [to be sung to the tune of
         Jesus Christ Superstar]


Every time I look at you I don't understand
Why you think "Do What I Mean" is so cool and grand;
You'd have managed better if you'd thought it through,
Why'd you pick such an awkward way your bugs to undo?
Your hairy feature will not be the last revolution,
It's clear "Mean What I Do" is the ultimate solution!

Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong, now,
Don't you get me wrong,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack.

BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?

Tell us what you think about your friends at the top,
Who d'you think besides yourself's the pick of the crop?
Is LISP 1.5 where it's at? Is it where you are?
Does Stanford's LISP have features too or is that just PR?
Do you have the breakpoint scheme that MACLISP is known for,
Or is that just the kind of kludge the user's on his own for?

Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong,
Don't you get me wrong, now,
Don't you get me wrong,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack,
I only want to hack.

BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end!
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?
BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this?


            -- The Great Quux
                 (with apologies to
                Rice and Webber)

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Title    : Berkelian Rhapsody
Original : Bohemian Rhapsody
Group    : Queen
Author   : R. Anderson
Intro    : I have a real gem for you, if you're familiar at all with Queen's
       "Bohemian Rhapsody", recently re-popularized over here in the
       states by the movie "Wayne's World", a cinematic production with
       which most Europeans will not identify, being culturally different
       than we are (and, I might add, more advanced in their cultures).
Song     :

            BERKELIAN RHAPSODY
        (to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody")

Is this in real time?  Is this in memory?
Caught in a for(;;) loop, no escape from this subroutine...
open() your files, branch through the do{}while()s and see
I'm just the kernel, I need no libraries
Because you boot me up, load and go
Branch from high, store to low
Any way the thread flows
Doesn't really matter to me
To me.

unlink() just killed a file
Filled it's data up with NULLs, cleared the inode, closed the holes
vfork(), life had just begun
Then kill(0, SIGKILL) blew it all away
mmap(), ooooooh, didn't mean to make it die
if (the parent process doesn't fork again) {
    carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters;
}

Too late, init has died
Flush my buffers out from core, then reboot() and try once more
panic ("freeing free block"); I've got to crash
Got to enter kdb and see the truth
Init, ooooooooh (Any way the thread flows)
I've lost my tty
I wish my page hadn't been swapped out at all...

I see the signal trap vectors into core
Interrupt!  Overrun!  It will do a fandango
Data's skrogged like lightning, very very frightening me
Dennis Ritchie?  Kenneth Thompson?  Kirk McKusick?  Eric Allman
Someone help me!  Robert Pike?
Oh, Kernighan (-an -an -an -an -an)

I'm just a quick hack, nobody uses me
He just makes sockets in his address family
Spare him a buffer in high memory
bind(); accept(); msg_send(); will it let me go?
munmap();  NO!  It will not let you go  (LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go       (LET IT GO!)
munmap() just will not let you go       (LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go                     (LET IT GO!)
Will not let you go
          Will not let you go oh, oh, oh, oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
kill(0, SIGKILL), exit(0); exit(0); let me go!
BSDi has a daemon set aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeee

So you think you can stomp on my stack space and text?
.. Skrog my image and data by calling exec()?
Ohh, page-d, can't do this to me page-d
Just gotta switch out, just context switch right out of here

Nothing really hashes, anyone can see
Every process thrashes, every disk drive crashes
On me

Any way the thread flows...

            - Music by Queen
              Lyrics by R. Anderson
              with posthumous apologies
              to Freddie Mercury

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkeley California
Original : Hotel California
Group    : The Eagles
Author   : David Barr <[e-mail]>
Intro    : I remember getting a collection of computer songs of yours
       a while ago.  Here's a song 3 of us made up recently in light of the
       recent lawsuit between AT&T and BSDI, as well as the shift by Sun
       (and others) away from Good Ol' BSD towards System V.
Song     :

    "Berkeley California"

(Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles)

 In a dark dim machine room
 Cool A/C in my hair
 Warm smell of silicon
 Rising up through the air
 Up ahead in the distance
 I saw a Solarian(tm) light
 My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
 I had to halt(8) for the night
 The backup spun in the tape drive
 I heard a terminal bell
 And I was thinking to myself
 This could be BSD or USL
 Then they started a lawsuit
 And they showed me the way
 There were salesmen down the corridor
 I thought I heard them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely place
 Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
 Any time of year
 Any time of year (backgrounded)
 You can find one here
 You can find one here

 Their code was definately twisted
 But they've got the stock market trends
 They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
 That they call friends
 How they dance in the courtroom
 See BSDI sweat
 Some sue to remember
 Some sue to forget
 So I called up Kernighan
 Please bring me ctime(3)
 He said
 We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
 And still those functions are calling from far away
 Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
 Just to hear them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely Place
 Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
 What a nice surprise
 What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
 Bring your alibies

 Windows NT a dreaming
 Pink OS on ice
 And they said
 We are all just prisoners here
 Of a marketing device
 And in the judges's chambers
 They gathered for the feast
 They diff(1)'d the source code listings
 But they can't kill -9 the beast
 Last thing I remember
 I was restore(8)'ing | more(1)
 I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
 sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
 We are programmed to recv(2)
 You can swap out any time you like
 But you can never leave(1)

 [ substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo ]

Written by David Barr <[e-mail]>
and Ken Hornstein <[e-mail]>
and a little help from Greg Nagy <[e-mail]>

and thanks to the lyrics archive at cs.uwp.edu

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Berkeley 4.3
Original : Yellow Submarine
Group    : Beatles
Author   : Jim Finnis
Intro    : [fragment]
Song     :

        In the RAM
        where I was forked,
        lived a ROM,
        who sailed the C...

        And he told,
        me of his life,
        in the Berkeley,
        4.3...

        We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
        Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.
        We all live in the Berkeley 4.3,
        Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3.

                ((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Boot It
Original : Beat it
Group    : Michael Jackson
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Boot It


You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.


Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,

So BOOT IT,

Get the system manager to   BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.

BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,

Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes,
man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,   Call the local guru to   BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky,
get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do itself.
BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

BOOT IT,     BOOT IT


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Both Ways, Now
Original : Both Sides, Now
Group    : Joni Mitchell
Author   : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro    :
Song     :

          Both Ways, Now

       [to be sung to the tune of
        Both Sides, Now]


Decimal digits in a row,
Just set the dials and let 'er go.
The ENIAC was grossly slow --
    I used to code that way,
But then this Fortran came along;
I danced and sang a happy song:
So natural -- what could go wrong?
    I little knew, that day!
I've looked at Fortran both ways, now,
At II and IV, and still somehow,
It's rows of numbers I recall;
I really don't know Fortran at all.

Fortran IV is real good stuff,
But business hackers have it tough;
For them this Fortran's not enough --
    Then Cobol saved the day!
But now I sing a sad refrain;
This Cobol loss is no one's gain,
And writing programs is a pain
    (I get writer's cramp that way!)
I've looked at Cobol both ways, now,
I code in it, and still somehow,
It's FORMAT statements I recall;
I really don't know Cobol at all.

Cobol will for business do;
Accounts and payroll make it through
(And bills for zero dollars too --
    I get them every day!)
But those who hack symbolic frobs
Cannot make do with Cobol jobs,
And now I sing through anguished sobs,
    But Lisp is here to stay.
I've looked at Lisp code both ways, now,
At lambda forms, and still somehow,
It's Cobol statements I recall;
I really don't know Lisp at all.


        -- The Great Quux
             (with apologies to
            Joni Mitchell)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Boys of HP
Original : The Boys of Summer
Group    : Don Henley
Author   : Adam Sah <[e-mail]>
Intro    : This reminds me of something we printed here in C.S. Major Magazine
       regarding our beloved Hewlett-Packard 300 Series...
Song     :

The Boys of HP     (sung to the tune 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley)
--------------
                 (csfs1 = Comp. Sci File Server 1)
Nobody in the room
no cursor on the screen
I feel it in the air
'csfs1 not responding'
empty disk, empty screen,
the server goes down alone
I was logged into my account
and I know you have no phone.

I can see it
the workstation's collecting dust
You've got your 'console long:'
and your blank screen, baby.
And I can tell you
I'll never get my source by dawn
once the boys from HP have gone.

I'll never forget those night.
I wonder if I ever got to sleep?
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how _you_ made _me_ scream?
I don't understand what happened to my source
If I can't ever get it back,
I'm sure you have no remorse.

I can see it
the system crashing on me
you've got your pinstriped suit
and your corporate paranoia, baby.
And I can tell you
my love for this will still be strong
after the boys of HP have gone

Out in the corridors I saw
    a bunch of lost programmers
A little voice inside my head say,
    "Don't buy more,
     you should never buy more"
I thought I knew where my source was
What did I know?
Those servers are gone forever,
I should just let them go, but-

I can see it-
your drives eating my work
You've got that salesman's pitch
and your demo running baby.
and I can tell you-
my love for CS will still be strong
even after the boys from HP have gone.

(c) 1991 by Adam Sah

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Bug Came Back
Original : The Cat Came Back
Group    : Harry Miller
Author   : Joel Polowin
Intro    : I'd like to submit the following for your consideration.
       Copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Permission is hereby granted to
       reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its
       content is not altered and that this notice is appended.  I would
       appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
       Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston,Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9
       [e-mail], [e-mail]
Song     :

The Bug Came Back
-----------------
 (Copyright 1991 by Joel Polowin.  Music: "The Cat Came Back" by Harry Miller)

The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long,
Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong.
But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night -
Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right -

     (Chorus:)
     But the bug came back, the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner
     But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away.

We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch
To find out where the new and older versions didn't match.
A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray;
We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay -

     (Chorus)

We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL
And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well.
Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue;
The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through -

     (Chorus)

We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun -
And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run.
But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play -
Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away...

     (Chorus)

We got a summer student in to check the code by hand,
With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command,
But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer --
A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..?

     (Chorus)

(Last verse and corresponding alternate chorus are optional:)

We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired:
A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired
Such that IF the program failed, the little moggy would be gassed.
A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast...

     But the cat came back the very next day
     The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner
     But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Bye Bye, Unix
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Cathy Flint, Eric Griswold, Scott Neugroschl
Intro    : I went back to my old alma-mader, UC Santa Cruz, a week ago.
       Things there always seem to be getting worse, although everybody
       admits it's still better than Berkeley.   Anyway, the current
       rage is to make fun of the CIS (Computer & Informational Sciences)
       department political situation through song verses.   The following
       is a typical example, even though some of it isn't true......
Song     :

       American Pie --- Hacker Style

    Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
    How UNIX used to make me smile...
    And I knew that with a login name
    That I could play those UNIX games
    And maybe hack some programs for a while.
    But February made me shiver
    With every program I'd deliver
    Bad news on the doorstep,
    I couldn't take one more spec...
    I can't remember getting smashed
    When I heard about the system crash
    And all the passwords got rehashed
    The Day That UNIX Died...
    And I was singing:

    Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
    Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
    The boys on the board were sayin' "fuck this, goodbye."
    Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
    This'll be the day that I die

    Did you write the new games shell
    And do you have faith in the manual?
    If b:dennie tells you so...
    Well, do you believe in UNIX C
    Can hacking save you memory
    And can you tell me why vi's so slow
    Well, I know that you're in love with C
    'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
    You just kicked off your shoes
    Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
    I was a lonely young computer geek
    With a program due 'most every week
    But I guess that I was meant to freak
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And I was singin:

    (chorus)

    Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
    The professor really is an ass.
    But that's not how it used to be...
    When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
    And user limits could go to hell
    And there was still space on UNIX C.
    And while the board was looking 'round
    The Chancellor brought the budget down
    The classes were adjourned
    Evaluations weren't returned
    And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
    The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
    And we wrote programs that weren't whole
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And we were singin'...

    (chorus)

    Helter skelter in the summer swelter
    I went in the lab to find some shelter
    Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
    C stayed up for ten whole days
    The hackers really were amazed
    Wonderin' how long it all would last.
    Well, both the forums were really great
    Nobody got us all irate
    We had a stroke of luck
    The system was not fucked
    'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
    The UNDR-shell was really keen
    Do you recall what was the scene
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And we were singin...

    (chorus)

    Our programs were all in one place,
    UNIX had run out of space
    With no time left to start again...
    So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
    Use every programming trick
    'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
    And as I watched the system fill
    My login process would be killed.
    The system just went down
    Consternation up at Crown!!!!
    The hours went on into the night
    And all that we could do was rite
    I saw Dennie laughing with delight
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And he was singin'...

    (chorus)

    I met a girl who sang the blues
    And I asked her for some stat lab news
    But she just cursed and said "grow up"
    I went down through the stat lab door
    Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
    But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
    And in the halls the students screamed,
    The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
    But not a word was spoken
    The Vaxes all were broken
    And the three folks I admire most
    The Father, Frank, and a.g.'s ghost
    They caught the last train for the coast
    The Day That UNIX Died
    And they were singin...

    So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
    Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
    The boys on the board were sayin' "fuck this, goodbye"
    Singin' this'll be the day that I die...

            (with apologies to Don McLean)

                -- Cathy Flint
                   Eric Griswold
                   Scott Neugroschl


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


Title:          CAMM (Crustified Ancient of Main Memory)
Original:       Justified Ancients of Moo Moo
Groyp:          KLF
Author:         Jonathan Dursi ([e-mail])
Intro:          C          CAMM - Crustified Ancient of Main Memory.
        C
        C  This came out of the depths of despair while I was modifying
        C  A *really* old, *really* big (IMHO) FORTRAN program, that
        C  is CPU intensive and *seriously* inefficient.
        C
        C  It just sort of appeared in my editor while I was working
        C  on the thing.  And it produced fewer compilation errors
        C  than the rest of it...
        C
        C  My sincerest of apologies to the KLF.
        C                  - Jonathan Dursi
        C                    [e-mail]
Song:


Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

Hey!

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it loves to use up RAM.

(from 1K to the top!)

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it's code I don't understand.

(and it's big, and it's BIG, and it's *BIG* now!)

He pulled me out of class, you see,
 He said, "Dursi, _you_ know FORTRAN!
I doubt that you'll like what you're *going* to do,
 But you'd better start now, because we need it soon!"

(Bring my 'C' back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 and it eats CPU, that CAMM...

(at least a GigaFLOP!)

It's cruftified, and it's ancient,
 "But sir, I had other plans..."

(That's too bad, that's too bad, that's too bad now!)

The last compile started half hour ago,
 And the users are starting to mob!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN,
 Then someone started screaming, turn off that job!

(give the keyboard back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!
(cruftified!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

(Cruftified and ancient,
 Ancient and it's cruftified,
Will not compile though I've tried and tried,
 With the errors in the go-tos,
Common Blocks and Do-loops
 In the hundred thousand lines of the CAMM.

I'd really like to take a nap,
 'Cuz I know what time it is,
But I think it will compile if I change this line...
 Oops, well, guess not, looks like I'll be
Fishing through the listings all night.

Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!
Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!
Fishing through the listings,
Fishing through the listings,
Fishing through the listings all night!
Hey!

VAX Pascal!
 Starting to look pretty good.
VAX FORTRAN?
 Bring my 'C' Back!)

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

Hey, Hey!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!

old FORTRAN!
old FORTRAN!
Over a Meg of old FORTRAN!



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Computer Nevermore
Original : The Raven
Group    : Edgar Allan Poe
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

With my fingers pale and trembling,
SLowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S

There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
ROh no--my data base,S I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
RYouUll see your data Nevermore!S

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And thatUs the tale I have to tell
Your choice:  RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Core dumped blues
Original : ?
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    : (from Fortune file on IBM RISC 6000)
Song     :


Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got no Mail
    And I can't recall the last time my Program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got array in my queues,
    I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that's nice that you get what you C,
    Then go : illogical statment with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
    I've got the : Segmentation violatien -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
    But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tape would freeze,
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
    I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CRASH! goes the System
Original : POP goes the weasel
Group    : ?
Author   : ?
Intro    :  Here's one my father wrote some years ago.  It used to hang
        on the door to the computer room in building 2 at Goddard Space
        Flight Center (NASA).
Song     :

        CRASH! goes the System

    Two specks of dust on a Winchester disk
    No use to hope you missed them
    That's the way computing goes--
    CRASH! goes the system.

    Go exchange the circuit boards
    Try and use your wisdom
    No way will you catch that bug--
    CRASH! goes the system.

    Our pride and joy has features galore
    It takes a day to list them
    And none of them can be used any more--
    CRASH! goes the system.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : CRAY-S's coolant
Original : Octopusse's Garden
Group    : Beatles
Author   : [e-mail] (Alec David Muffett)
Intro    : [fragment]
Song     :

        I'd like to be
        under the sea,
        in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade

        This freon gas
        will freeze my ass,
        in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Cycles For Nothing
Original : Money For Nothing
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Matt Crawford <[e-mail]>
Intro    :
Song     :

        Cycles For Nothing

(i want my
 i want my
 i want my X-MP!)

Now look at them yo-yo's that's
    the way you do it
You run the fortran on the X-MP
That ain't hackin' that's the way
    you do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free
Now that ain't hackin' that's the way
    you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark
    system
Maybe design a little neutron bomb

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

See the kid professor with the blue
    jeans and the necktie
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That kid professor got his Nobel
    prize now
That kid professor he's a millionaire

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run

I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran
I shoulda kept that old 029
Look at that output, he got it stacked
    up to the ceilin'
I bet he ain't read one line
And in there, what's that?
    A hundred postdocs?
Bangin' on the keyboards like some
    chimpanzees
That ain't hackin' that's the way you
    do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free

 We gotta install microwave uplinks
 Custom fuzzballs for everyone
 We gotta link up DDS circuits
 BERT and loopback tests to run


        by Matt Crawford


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Day Bell System Died
Original : American Pie
Group    : Don Mclean
Author   : Lauren Weinstein <vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM>
Intro    : Greetings.  With the massive changes now taking place in the
       telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with
       seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding
       the various effects now beginning to take place.  However, one
       important element has been missing: a song!  Since the great
       Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now
       attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious
       look at a possible future of telecommunications.  This work is
       entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be
       interpreted in a non-satirical manner.  The song should be sung
       to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie".
       I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"...
Song     :
           *==================================*
           * Notice: This is a satirical work *
           *==================================*

            "The Day Bell System Died"

          Lyrics Copyright (C) 1983 by Lauren Weinstein

             (To the tune of "American Pie")
             (With apologies to Don McLean)

  ARPA: vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM
  UUCP: {decvax, ihnp4, harpo, ucbvax!lbl-csam, randvax}!vortex!lauren


Long, long, time ago,
I can still remember,
When the local calls were "free".
And I knew if I paid my bill,
And never wished them any ill,
That the phone company would let me be...

But Uncle Sam said he knew better,
Split 'em up, for all and ever!
We'll foster competition:
It's good capital-ism!

I can't remember if I cried,
When my phone bill first tripled in size.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day... Bell System... died.

And we were singing...

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

Is your office Step by Step,
Or have you gotten some Crossbar yet?
Everybody used to ask...
Oh, is TSPS coming soon?
IDDD will be a boon!
And, I hope to get a Touch-Tone phone, real soon...

The color phones are really neat,
And direct dialing can't be beat!
My area code is "low":
The prestige way to go!

Oh, they just raised phone booths to a dime!
Well, I suppose it's about time.
I remember how the payphones chimed,
The day... Bell System... died.

And we were singing...

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

Back then we were all at one rate,
Phone installs didn't cause debate,
About who'd put which wire where...
Installers came right out to you,
No "phone stores" with their ballyhoo,
And 411 was free, seemed very fair!

But FCC wanted it seems,
To let others skim long-distance creams,
No matter 'bout the locals,
They're mostly all just yokels!

And so one day it came to pass,
That the great Bell System did collapse,
In rubble now, we all do mass,
The day... Bell System... died.

So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

I drove on out to Murray Hill,
To see Bell Labs, some time to kill,
But the sign there said the Labs were gone.
I went back to my old CO,
Where I'd had my phone lines, years ago,
But it was empty, dark, and ever so forlorn...

No relays pulsed,
No data crooned,
No MF tones did play their tunes,
There wasn't a word spoken,
All carrier paths were broken...

And so that's how it all occurred,
Microwave horns just nests for birds,
Everything became so absurd,
The day... Bell System... died.

So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?

We were singing:

Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The DEC Man cometh
Original : The Gas Man cometh
Group    : Michael Flounders and Donald Swan
Author   : Russell Street ([e-mail])
Info     : Ever have one of those days...
Song     :

Twas on the Monday morning the DEC man came to call
The VAX wouldn't boot -- we weren't getting VAX at all
He tore out all the cables winding around the VAX
And we had to call the hardware guys in to put them back again.

<Chorus> Oh it all makes work for the working man to do

Twas on the Tuesday morning their technician came 'round
He soldered and he tested and said "Look what I've found"
"Your ROMs are all the old versions, but I'll put them all to right"
Then he shorted out a cable, and out down all the Suns

<Chorus>

Was on a Wednesay morning the Sun technican came
He called me Mr Sanderson which isn't quite me name
He couldn't fix the server without our CD drive
And as root on the SG he typed 'unlink /', so we called SGI in

<Chorus>

Was on the Thursday morning the SGI rep came along
With his mini-root tapes and his manuals and his merry SGI song
He reinstalled the system -- it took no time at all
But we had to get the Next people in to come and fix the NFS

<Chorus>

Was on a Friday morning the Next man made a start
With mounts and exports he crossmounted every disk
Every machine and every directory, but I found when he was gone
He changed some IP addresses, and our VAX had gone!

<Chorus>

On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all
So was on the Monday morning that the VAX man came to call...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : DECman
Original : The Gas Man Cometh
Group    : Flanders and Swann
Author   : Tony Duell
Intro    : This is dedicated to all those who called out DEC field service
       for a simple problem, and wished you hadn't..........
Song     :


It was on a Monday morning
The DEC man came to call,
My system wouldn't boot
There was no prompt at all
He pulled out all my SPC's
To try a new backplane
And I had to get the hardware guys
to put them back again
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Tuesday morning
The hardware man came round
He soldered and he fiddled
And he said 'Look what I've found'
'Your ECOs are years behind'
'But I'll put it all to rights'
Then he shorted out the power supply
and out went all the lights
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Wednesday morning
The power supply came
'It's newer and it's better'
'But it works just the same'
He could not fit the unit
without stripping half the rack
then he dropped my boot HDA
so He called Peripherals back
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!

It was on a Thursday morning
The HDA came along
with a blocklist and a cable
and a list of what goes wrong
He put it into my drive
It took no time at all
But I had to get the software guys
to come and re-install
  Oh it all makes work for field service men to do

It was on a Friday morning
That Software made a start
With BACKUP and SYSGEN
He configured every part
Every track and every sector
But I found when he was gone
He had overwritten the boot track
and I couldn't turn it on

  On saturday and Sunday They do no work at all
  So It was on a Monday morning that the DEC man came to call


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : The Disks of UNIX
Original : Sound of Silence
Group    : Simon and Garfunkel
Author   : ? Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
Intro    :
Song     :


              The Disks of UNIX
              =================
      Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
           Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence"
            by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello comix my old friend.
I've come to program you again.
because a student softly creeping,
guessed my password while I was sleeping.
And the programs
with just remnants in my brain,
don't remain,
upon the disks... of UNIX.

In flick'ring lights I type along.
Load my program, what was wrong?
Letters haloed by my squinting,
at the program that I was lint-ing.
For my eyes were blurred
by the flash of the cathode beam,
term'nal screen,
and all the C... on UNIX.

And in the fuzzy light I saw
10,000 hackers, maybe more:
Hackers staring without blinking,
hackers typing without thinking.
Hackers writing code
that programs never shared.
(No one dared,
disturb the disks... of UNIX.)

"Fools," said I, "you do not know.
Kludges make the d.u. grow.
Comment functions that I might read them.
Update man-files 'cause I might need them."
But my words
like unread printout fell,
(Oh well...)
An echo,
On the disks... of UNIX.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Don't Call From Home
Original : The Man's Too Strong
Group    : Dire Straits
Author   : Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
Intro    :
Song     :


             Don't Call From Home
             ====================
         by Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
          Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"
               by Dire Straits

        I'm just an ageing hacker-boy
        And in the days I used to play
        And I've called the tune
        To many a system's ruin.
        Now they say I am a real criminal
        And I'm hiding away.
        Just one more terminal session.

        I have simplified robbery
        With my PCs.
        I have called in the money
        And it's now overseas.
        I have re-written bank accounts
        With thousands on my books;
        Made up identities
        Without changing my looks.

        And I can still hear the touch-tones
        And the clicks on the phone.
        Don't call too long.
        Don't call from home.

        Well I've cracked IBM
        And I've cracked NSA
        And I've cracked every network
        In the whole USA.
        I have called out on Sprint
        And from any payphone;
        Billed to people
        I never have known.

        And I can still hear the touch-tones
        And the clicks on the phone.
        Don't call too long.
        Don't call from home.

        Well the sun comes in my office
        And they all did hear him say
        "You're really too much for us,
        You're worth more than we can pay.
        You may still hear from Burroughs
        But I ask you now today:
        Won't you please work with us
        At the good old CIA?"
        Now I run all surveillance
        From LA to Kremlin's dome.
        Don't call too long.
        Don't call from home.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : DP Man
Original : Piano Man
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : Greg Gerke
Intro    : A revision of an old favorite ...
Song     :


              DP Man
     (sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

   It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
   The programming crowd staggers in,
   There's a user by my terminal,
   With drool running off of his chin.
   He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
   I'm not really sure what I want,
   But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
   And it has to be finished by lunch."

     Chorus:

     They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
     Write us some code today,
     'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
     And he wants it by yesterday."

   Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
   He bumps up my priority,
   And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
   But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
   He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
   As the smile ran away from his face,
   "But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
   If I could get out of this place."

   Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
   Whose license is riding on luck,
   And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
   With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
   Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday,
   And my team leader gives me a smirk,
   'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see,
   When they find out that it didn't work.

   And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
   And the CRT screams like a jet,
   And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
   And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?"
   And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
   As the patches and kludges pile up,
   'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise:
   It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Don't Have a Conniption
Original : Walk Like an Egyptian
Group    : Bangles
Author   : Brent C.J. Britton
Intro    :
Song     :

               Don't Have a Conniption
               =======================
            by Brent C.J. Britton
         Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
                by the Bangles

       All the system ops in this place,
       They monitor me, just for fun.
       If I logon here,
       (ohwayoh)
       They force me off 'fore my profile runs.

       'Cause I have a reputation
       For doing things which I shouldn't be,
       Like running CHATS,
       (ohwayoh)
       And bootlegging Lotus-123.

       So you see, when they yell at me, I say,
       (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
       "Don't have a conniption..."

       Found how to change all my privs;
       I didn't know that I broke a rule.
       I forced the op,
       (ohwayoh)
       I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.

       All the sys ops, so sick of me,
       They don't let my databases run.
       I broke CP,
       (ohwayoh)
       They had a big fat connip-tion.

       When they NOLOG my account, I say
       (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
       "Don't have a conniption..."

       They've hated me since I stored
       Inside the real PSW.
       We crashed hard you know,
       (ohwayoh)
       I guess I forgot a bit or two.

       If you want to find software cops,
       They're hanging out in the software shops.
       They kick your pants,
       (ohwayoh)
       And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.

       I ran my Turing Machine;
       Another one was assembl'in.
       And it crunched all night,
       (ohwayoh)
       The system op had connip'tions.

       To software cops in the software shops, I say
       (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
       "Don't have a conniption..."
       "Don't have a conniption."


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Emacs Wizard
Original : Pinball Wizard
Group    : The Who
Author   : ?
Intro    : Complete with formatting and all :-)
Song     :

\documentstyle[twocolumn,12pt]{article}

\begin{document}

\begin{verse}


Ever since I was a young boy\\
I've played with each O.S.\\
From Unix down to Kronos \\
I've crashed them I confess\\
But I ain't seen nothing like him\\
Not even in VMS\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

He sits there never blinking\\
Becomes part of the machine\\
Controls with either pinkie\\
A virtual typing stream\\
He optimizes keystrokes\\
Swamps your Microvax\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

He's an Emacs wizard \\
Without a binding list\\
An Emacs wizard \\
s' got such a calloused wrist.

How do you think he does it? I don't know!\\
What makes him so good?
\newpage

He ain't got no distractions\\
He refuses warning bells\\
He heeds no cursor flashing\\
Plays by sense of smell\\
He never needs to undo\\
Knows all of Stallman's hacks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

I thought I was \\
The keyboard-macro  kid\\
But I just handed\\
My Emacs crown to him.

Even my usual bindings\\
He prefixed all my best\\
His disciples feed him Coke\\
And he just does the rest\\
He's got super-meta-fingers\\
Never hits the cracks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.

\end{verse}
\end{document}


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Every Cycle is Sacred
Original : Every Sperm is Sacred
Group    : Monty Python (Meaning of Life)
Author   : Tony Duell  <[e-mail]>
Intro    :
Song     :


There are Suns in this world, there are Apples,
There are Sequents and Goulds and then,
There are those who clone I B M, BUT
I've never been one of them.

For I'm an 11/45
and have been since the day I was made
And the one thing they say about PDP's is
They'll run no matter what they said,
You don't have to be in a six-footer,
You don't have to have a 9-slot backplane
You don't have to have Memory Management,
You're booted the moment DCLO came, For

Every Cycle is Sacred,
Every Cycle is Great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC gets quite irate!

{Repeat}

Let the others waste them,
On floating-point multiply
DEC shall make them pay for
Each add able to be skipped by.

Every cycle is wanted
Every cycle is good
Every cycle is needed
In your neighbourhood

Intel, Sun and Zilog
Branch their's just anywhere
DEC loves those who write
Their Microcode with more care

Every cycle is useful
Every cycle is fine
DEC saves everybody's
Time and Time and Time.

Other systems waste theirs
while fetching o'er t'backplane
DEC shall strike them down for
each cycle thats run in vain

Every cycle is sacred,
Every cycle is great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC GETS QUITE IRATE!!!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
Original : Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Group    : Paul Simon
Author   : Al Pena
Intro    :
Song     :

         Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
         ----- ---- -- ---- ---- ----

The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

Just blow up the stack Jack,
Make a bad call Paul,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,
And set your pointers free.

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.

She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,
About the fifty ways.

She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.

Just lose the address Les,
Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,
And set your list free.

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Fork()ing on a Sun
Original : Seasons in the Sun
Group    : Terry Jacks
Author   : [e-mail] (Alec David Muffett)
Intro    : Here's a little ditty I penned back in 1987 when I was first
       getting to grips with IP (and killing the machine at the same time).
       If you don't recognise the words well enough to get the tune, you
       weren't born...  as for pronunciation, pronounce "vi" as "vye" -
       that way, the song scans properly.  No flames, please...
       The chorus is a wonderful thing to sing in pubs (bars) when you
       and a group of hackers get together, because it is eminently recog-
       nisable, but no-one outside your group will have the foggiest idea
       what you're on about...
       [fragment]
Song     :

        Goodbye my shell, it's hard to "vi",
        I cannot socket(), even though I try,
        Everything keeps going wrong...
        It needs a bind() to carry on,
        Proc' table's been full for too long.

    Chorus:
        We had Joy, We had fun,
        We were fork()ing on a Sun,
        but the joy is all gone,
        'til the processes are Done [1].


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : FORTRAN
Original : Pressure
Group    : Billy Joel
Author   : Thomas Koenig <[e-mail]>
Intro    : A little song about one of the joys of scientific computation
       [second revision]
Song     :

       FORTRAN

You have to learn to pace yourself
FORTRAN
You're just like everybody else
FORTRAN
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
FORTRAN

You used to call me paranoid
FORTRAN
But even you can not avoid
FORTRAN
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN

All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
FORTRAN

Don't ask me for help
You're all alone
FORTRAN
You'll have to code it
On your own
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here's your program, incomplete,
Two weeks late, three times too slow
Nothing to do but log on now
And write all your code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN

All your life is Byte Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?
FORTRAN

I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you have to code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN, FORTRAN
One, two, three, four
FORTRAN

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : French Horn Concerto (for modem users)
Original : French Horn Concerto No 4 for French Horn by Motzart,
            based on the arrangment and lyrics by...
Group    : Micheal Flounders and Donald Swan
Author   : Russell Street ([e-mail])
Info     : The original starts:
        I once had a whim and I had to obey it
        To by a french horn in a second hand shop
        I polished it up and I started to play it
        Inspite of my neighbour who begged me to stop
       The music was rearranged for a piano, so these
       lyrics may not fit any orchestral version of the
       "original".
Song     :

I once had a whim and I had to obey it
To by a modem from a second hand shop
I made up a cable and I started to use it
In spite of my girlfriend who begged me to stop

To use my modem, I had to change my sleeping habits
I found that I could only get on at night
So many boards abound -- to give you a world, a beatuiful world so rich and round
Oh the hours I had to spend before I got onto them it in the end

But that was yesterday and just to day I looked in the the usual place
There was the modem, but the cable itself was missing
Where can it have gone? Haven't you -- hasn't anyone seen my cable
Where can it have gone? What a blow, know I know I'm unable to read my net news

Who wipped that cable? I bet you a quid somebody did.
Knowing I had found a news group and wanted to read it
Afraid of my talents in talk.bizzare
For early today to my utter dismay it had vanished away to the ???? morn

I've lost that cable. I know I was using it yesterday
I've lost that cable, lost that cable, found that cable -- gorn
There's not much else to say -- I had better delay a report (?)

I know some party folk whose party jokes pretending to hunt with quart (?)
Gone away -- gone away -- was it one of them took it away?
Would you kindly return that serial cable -- where is the devil who pinched my cable?

I took it to the net.police -- I want that serial cable back
I miss my news more and more and more
With out that chat I'm feeling sad and so forlorn
Oh oh oh oh oh oh....

I found a board and wanted to play use it to display my talents in talk.bizzare
But early to day to my utter dismay it had totally vanished away

I thought up some stuff and I wanted to send it, but somebody took it away
I thought up some stuff and was longing to send it, but somebody took it away

My girlfriend is a sleep in her bed.
I will soon make her wish I was dead
I'll take up nethack instead
Whaaa, whaaa


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Friend of the System
Original : Friend of the Devil
Group    : Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
Author   : Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS>
Intro    :
Song     :

             Friend of the System
             ====================
            By Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS>
         Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg <BRAND@VTCS1>
          Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil"
           by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter

  I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds.
  Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around.

Chorus:
  Said I'll run my program but it will take some time;
  A friend of the System is a friend of mine.
  If I get done before daylight,
  I just might write some code tonight.

  Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off.
  Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff!

(chorus)

  I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there;
  It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air!

(chorus)

  Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day;
  The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA.
  The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail!
  She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale.

  Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV.
  The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more!

(chorus)


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Gateway To Heaven
Original : Stairway To Heaven
Group    : Led Zeppelin
Author   : EileenET Tronolone <[e-mail]>
Intro    : I just had to send it in, fellas. I'm sorry. I could not let all
       that stuff go by and not send it in.
Song     :


Gateway To Heaven

There's a lady who knows
All the systems and nodes
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
She telnets there, she knows
All the ports have been closed
With a nerd she can get
Files she came for

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
There's an motd
But she wants to be sure
Cos she knows sometimes hosts have
Two domains
In a path by the NIC
There's a burdvax that pings
Sometimes all of our flames
are cross-posted

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
And it's processed by root
Unix Labs will reboot
NCR will then listen to reason
And a prompt will respawn
For those yet to logon
And the networks will echo much faster

Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
If there's a lookup in your netstat
don't be .alarmed now
it's just a pinging from the link queen
Yes there are two routes you can type in
but in the long run
there's still time to change the net you're on
(I hope so!)

And as we find stuff to download
We ftp and we chmod
There was a sysadm we know
Who changed the server to her own
She had root privs and she used chown
She hacked out on the DDN
And if you tail her stdin
Then you will find what you had lost
And get it back with cpio
To be a hack and not to scroll...

And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Gateway To Net Ten
Original : Stairway To Heaven
Group    : Led Zeppelin
Author   : Mark Lottor <[e-mail]>
Intro    :
Song     :


GATEWAY TO NET TEN    -- Mark Lottor

[Original words and music by Jimmy Page and Robert Plant]

There's a hacker who's sure all that's coax is fast
and he's buying a gateway to net ten.
When he gets it he'll know if the ports are all closed
with a SYN he can get what he sent for.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
and he's buying a gateway to net ten.

There's an RFC on the wall but he wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a note on the page there's a warning that says
sometimes all of our code is broken.

Don't ya know, it makes me wonder.

There's an error I get when I send to the net
and my packets are lost and retransmitting.
In my logs I have seen loops of mail thru the machine,
and the screams of those who are hacking.

Oooh, it makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon if we all fix and tune
then the packets will reach their destinations.
And a new day will dawn for hosts that stay long
and the telnets will echo quite faster.

Ohhhhh, it makes me wonder.

If there's a bustle in your cisco, don't be alarmed now
it's just a quick ping for the NIC machine.
Yes there are two paths you can route by, but in the long haul
there's still time to change the protocol.

Yowwww, it makes me wonder.

Your host is loaded and it will slow in case you don't know,
the unix's are asking you to join them.
Dear hacker, do you see the overflow, and did you know
your gateway is still under development.

And as we wind out more coax, and gateways slower than our hosts,
There goes a message we all know, it updates routes and wants to show
how everything still turns quite slow.
And if you listen very hard, the bits will come to you at last.
When all are ones and ones are all, to be a rubout and not a null.

And he's buying a gateway to net ten...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : Girls just wanna defun
Original : Girls just wanna have fun
Group    : Cindy Lauper
Author   : ?
Intro    :
Song     :


GIRLS JUST WANNA DEFUN*

I can't wake up, in the morning
Cause of what I've been doing for most of the night.
Teacher don't you know my program is done?
And girls just wanna defun.

The phone rings, in the middle of the night
Advisor screams, "Watcha gonna do with your life?"
Patrick**, how I relish double-oh-one***!
And girls just wanna defun.

They just wanna, just wanna, yeah
Girls just wanna defun.

Some people say
A beautiful girl can't tool all night like
The rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to welcome the sun.
And girls just wanna defun.

*Defun, the Lisp command to define a procedure
**Winston, ai professor, MIT
***6.001, Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Title    : HACKADU
Original : Xanadu
Group    : Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Author   : Stuart McLure Cracraft
Intro    :
Song     :


    HACKADU

In Hackadu did Hackers Few
  An awesome program-hack command:
Where 20, the sacred system, grew
Through monitors nobody knew
  Down during the great demand.
Always twice two months to newer release
With TTY's and EMACS to bring the peace:
And here was software smothered by edit-line effects,
Where many a bureaucrat sauntered across the land,
And where MSG/TELNET/FTP were ancient as TENEX,
Constricting winning spots into the bland.

But oh! those abiding Hackers Few were cunning
And lept the heights of unimaginable lossage!
A savage place; as daemonical and sinning
as e'er which plastered a screen with "%DECSYSTEM-20 Not Winning"
B'fore users exchausted from the barfage!
And from this chaos, with irresistable force,
As if this thing were itself the Source,
A mighty idea came glistening to Hackers Fewest
Amid whose logic the sinning 20 burst
Huge fragments of scheduler flung forth like rebounding netmail,
Or chaffy words beneath the BLT's flail:
And 'mid this stupendous destruction at once and forever
It flung up the 20 to permanently sever.
Pages and pages of listings the burning grew
Through structures and directories in the Coup,
Then reached the sources known to few,
And slaughtered in tumult the offending mass:
And 'mid this tumult Hackers Few heard from afar
Ancestral systems declaring war!

    The shadows of the program-hack
    Floated strongly on the net;
    Where was heard the anguished cry of the Sack
    From which they inferred they'd win, they bet.
A true war of Hackers Few against Timesharing,
With the ancestors of the 20 battling forth with infinite daring!

    A 10 with a mighty cpu
    In this battle the Hackers Few espied:
    It was a DEC original that knew,
    That once the Hackers Few irresistibly grew,
    It would forever be banned to limbo.
    Could it wreak havoc upon the Few?
    With its powerful CPU?
    To such a deep satisfaction the answer is no,
That with a slice of their s ring tree Lee,
And set your list free.

Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

end of file on alt.kids-talk!



--
Daniel Drucker        N2SXX       Coconut seashells whispering to me
[e-mail]         "Forever, forever, my Coda..."