NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/alt/callahan/17412

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-24 | 8.2 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!pipex!demon!cix.compulink.co.uk!cliveg
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: [e-mail] (Clive Grace)
Subject: Re: bird on ice...  (LONG POST)  *>
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1993 16:59:00 +0000
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 146

In-Reply-To: <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Feather)

[details of Feather's pain sadly deleted... you know why]

Standing under the rafters, Tanais gently calls to Feather. There is
a tear running down his muzzle. He learned to cry only recently -- he
had to in order to mourn the passing of the old, the acceptance of
the new and to face up to the fear of the unknown. He had to in order
to let go of his old life and past. Tanais learned to forgive himself
and to let of so many things in the space of just a few months. Some
of you will have seen my "heavy" postings when I joined the place,
you have seen me develop as Tanais -- a natural extension of who I am
in real life. The Place is a step in my personal healing and
Feather's pain can be felt so clearly that it mirrors the pain that I
felt in December].

"So many things you said Feather strike a chord with me" Tanais
gently spoke, another tear forming in his eyes, "but these tears are
for *you*. I can't tell you what to do or how to find the way to stop
the pain but I *can* tell you a few things about why the pain affects
you... perhaps you will then see that *you are not alone*, you are
indeed worth loving and deserve to be liked and held gently so that
the warmth of your *own* body will thaw those icicles from yourself
-- as you just saw, a fire can help melt the ice, but it'll come back
because the coldness comes from inside."

Tanais shuffles a little and sits on the bar so that he doesn't have
to bend his neck nearly so much in order to speak to Feather's perch
high in the rafters. "Do you know about how Merrytail and I split up?
About how she found Ignatz and how much they love each other? Did you
see the stuff I said when I had to let go of her and accept that she
and Ignatz are now a union... how painful it was to see them kissing
and hugging and why I fought the urge to kill my feelings when I saw
them hug or kiss? How I was so afraid to confront the fear to finally
admit that I was raped and that was why I was like you, in a 'winding
down' stage, where I felt absolutlely nothing"?

Tanais holds up a conciliatory paw as if to say 'You don't have to
answer, and I'm not going to get any heavier'. "It's okay Feather..."
Tanais soothed "What you feel is just as valid and painful and more
*real* to you, as what I felt. You have the right to feel cold and
frightened and confused" -- he looks into the room now -- not fixing
his eye on anyone in particular. "I know the deadness that sometimes
engulfs us and confuses us and at that moment it seems impossible to
move, but please believe me Feather -- you *can* reach out for a hug,
ask for help, for validation and *not* get hurt... It doesn't mean to
say that you can't feel sad and sorry and hurting, it feels like what
I had... you're getting tired and feel the pain because you're
spending so much energy on walling yourself in."

Tanais takes his cap off and turns it inside out -- to show the bird
the pretty pattern in gold and red and blue. "I started building my
wall when I was 6 and finished when I was 10. It was a good wall, no
one could get in and I realised that I had made such a good job of it
that I couldn't get out. I was alone.

"There are things you can do to help yourself Feather there are
places that you can go because you're *not* alone in this. Think
about seeing a councellor, talk to them, listen to yourself. Heck!
talk to me if you like -- just talk about it and get it out of your
system. Write it down, draw pictures about it look at the things in
the past that you are happy/not happy with and get in touch with what
you feel about them now. The wall was built by *you*, it is made out
of pain and fear and knowing how and why you made it can break it,
but it can only be done by you... but we can all shout encouragement
and show you solidarity and support so you need not be alone in doing
it.

"I am using the Alexander Technique to 'fine tune' my spirit. My
teacher and I created a game where we had to 'play' an animal and I
played a piece of music to describe a fox -- she guessed right
[eventually] -- it was Me! It was Tanais! The Alexander Technique
isn't whacky, it's not musically orientated or dance oriented or any
way mystical, it can be applied to other outlets as well. It's all
about unlearning old ways of behaviour and finding new ways to live
and to get in contact with your 'self'. It's all about posture --
both emotional and physical, it's about letting go and seeing what's
left... believe me, only the good stuff stays when you let go of the
stuff that hurts.

*YOU* are a beautiful person here Feather, and do you know what? Only
a beautiful person in RL could have created Feather. Your description
of ice was so real so tangible to how I was feeling when I finally
went to rape crisis that I cried here -- in front of my own 386 --  I
cried for you because your pain is real and valid and needs to be
addressed.

I fight the urge to want to try to offer to heal you or to do stuff
for you, because I know that wouldn't work. The healing has to come
from *inside* it has to be *you* who heals *yourself* because that
process helps you develop a love for yourself that goes beyond love
for others -- it's not narcissistic, it's not pride or anything like
that it's 'self respect' you are worthy of self respect and therefore
the respect of others.

"Please Feather, I *want* you to heal yourself. I have so many words
inside this head of mine, I have so many suggestions -- but I also
know how annoying it is for people to say 'you should do xxxx' or 'I
think it'll be okay if you tried yyyy', I can only put ideas in front
of you for you to kick around and see if they fit. Mail me if you
want more."

Tanais puts his Fiddle and Bow in his case and closes up. There will
be no music from this instrument tonight. "I will be thinking of you
Feather, I will light a candle for that frail, cold little bird --
wishing and praying for a warmth to come inside, you can come out of
the cold. The crying will come back when you're ready to let go of
something.

"You are not alone, Feather. Whatever happened to you, whenever or
however it happened. You are loved here in the Place and in RL also.
I believe in your potential to heal and if you should want -- you may
rest here, in this pocket inside my grey trenchcoat. It's warm there
and next to my fox fur you may sleep quiet and warm, either now or
later or when you have healed.

Tanais stops himself, he remembers a song that flitted into his mind
and lodged there as he listened to Feather's story. Looking up again
he says, "Before I changed, I thought this was a song about two
people. Well, technically it still is" Tanais sighs. "But it's also a
song about a person who is divided *inside*. For me, it's about that
point when you realise you want or need to change and to move on."
Tanais blanks out the other people in the Place from his mind and
lifts his red and white muzzle to the rafters and sings unaccompanied
for Feather from 'The Dream of the Blue Turtles' by Sting:

"And If I've built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire"

Tanais sits down and just looks at Feather with a look of love, of
concern and of infinite patience.


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|  --                              Tanais - friend to all furkindred|
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