NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/119

Text File | 1992-12-27 | 21.6 KB | 600 lines

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Path: sparky!uunet!spool.mu.edu!uwm.edu!linac!att!news.cs.indiana.edu![e-mail]
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #515
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1992 09:44:19 -0500
Approved: [e-mail]
Lines: 587

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:43:55 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #515

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [e-mail] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [e-mail] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    515
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

510  33 votes  16d85 4bb61 45a86 99861 6c672 67b81 38f43 18a95 2b776 057f6
510  3.0 mean   3.3   2.7   3.2   2.4   2.6   2.7   2.9   3.3   3.1   3.7

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:01 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-01

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Steve Miller)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   How many legs do I have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The Oracle has devised a simple method for calculating this
}      for you. Please follow the instructions below:
}
}         1) Go out into your Backyard, alleyway, etc, and set up a
}            small alarm clock. Set the time to be 12:00.
}
}         2) Take out all the cash, loose change, and lint in your
}            pocket. Total the cash put this number into x. Save the
}            lint.
}
}         3) Open your window and start screaming at the top of your
}            lungs your favorite Neil Diamond Song. Count the number of
}            different people that tell you to shut up. If you don't live
}            near anyone, use the number 1 as this total. Put this number
}            into y.
}
}         4) Turn on the television, Radio. Use the first number that
}            someone says, or that you see. Put this number into Z.
}            WARNING: Do not turn the television/Radio off at this point.
}            Leave it on.
}
}         5) Use the simple formula:  X(y) + Y(z) + Z(x) Put this number
}            on a piece of paper, fold it and put it with the lint.
}
}         6) Now. Perform three waltz turns, holding the lint/paper in
}            your right hand, scream "VIVE LA DIFFERANCE" at the top of
}            your lungs. On the last Waltz turn, casualy turn off the
}            Televison/Radio with your left and and run out to the Alarm
}            Clock. Note the time.
}
}         7) Kick the Alarm clock and tear up the lint/paper. Count your
}            legs.
}
}       You owe the oracle a swift kick to your own butt.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:02 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-02

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> YO! Great Byte!
>
> went down to wonderland the other day but ran into a marketroid who
> gave me a 4cl-glossie and bogued out.
>
> WTH can I find a *good* comshop??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your unhappiness.  The last time the Oracle went
} looking for technical information in Wonderland, he met with a similar
} reception, except it was an engraving by Sir John Tenniel; but times
} have changed.
}
} You will get better help if you go through the looking glass.  Go
} through the garden, then run very fast till you cross the brook.  Take
} the train to the Fourth Square.  Go through the wood, past Tweedledum &
} Tweedledee's Pizza & Pasta.  You'll find the shop you're looking for at
} 83 Saint Aldgate's Street.  Tell the sheep I sent you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bread-and-butterfly and an Anglo-Saxon attitude.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:04 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-03

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, finer than Lars Ulrich, whose voice is as sweet as,
> nay, sweeter than, Robert Plant's, who can appreciate the scent of a
> black leather rose and who probably would never even CONSIDER drinking
> instant coffee, tell me this:
>
> How do you reply to a question like this one??
>                                      |
>                                     \ /
>
> > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
> >
> > > Magnificant, omnipotent, hyperintelligent, allknowing, gourmet,
> > > oracle!
> > >
> > > sigh!
> > >  I thought I was over it. But then yesterday I saw her at the bus
> > >  stop and now ...
> > >  Damed, I acted like a fool - but she still means something to me.
> > >  I am such a fool , she hurd me very much and so did I , thats why
> > >  we split
> > >  (SIGH)
> > >
> > >  Sorry, no question! Just glad that you are listening! Guess I'll
> > >  have to find a way out this by myself...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ? r
}        I, er, I'm sorry. I don't know what you are talking about. I
} don't recall sending you any questions to answer. Only answers to your
} queries. Heh heh. You must be mistaken.
} .
} ? q
} moose /home/oracle> mail kinzler
}       Oh my, we are in big trouble! Let me explain.
}       I was really upset about Lisa leaving me last week, and I just
} needed someone to talk to, you know. I had it under control, there
} were just some things bugging me. So, I send mail to a random
} suppliant, not asking a question, just trying to vent a little.
}       The problem is, he figured it out! He sent it right back to me,
} asking all kinds of suspicious questions. Surely you understand how
} bad this will be if this gets out! Nobody will believe the Lisa
} answers anymore if they know she has left me. If I can't use those
} interminable Lisa dialogues to answer all the questions that just
} don't click, I don't know what I'll do.
}    Help,
}    Orrie
} .
} moose /home/oracle> xrn alt.sex.omnipotent
} moose /home/oracle> mail
} From kinzler Wed Dec 16 18:43:48 1992
} Date: Wed Dec 16 18:43:48 1992 -0600
} From: kinzler (Steve Kinzler)
} Message-Id: <9212170044.AA26583@moose>
}
} I guess you'll just have to do more fake unix sessions. Tough Luck.
}
} ? q
} moose /home/oracle> echo "You owe the Oracle a new gimmick."
} You owe the Oracle a new gimmick.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:05 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-04

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, all-seeing maven, most perceptive and
> intelligent being on Earth,
>       I have a rather unusual, uh, fetish, I suppose.  I get aroused by
> wearing rubber Halloween masks.  Is there any way to overcome this, or,
> alternatively, a good mail-order source that has a wide selection year-
> round and ships things in plain boxes that don't attract attention, I
> mean if my neighbors were to know that I get turned on by wearing, say,
> a Frankenstein's monster mask or a clown mask or something like that
> they'd laugh at me and I'd have to go into a killing rage or something
> like that.
>
> --Herman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TO: Herman
}
} FROM: The Apex Rubber Mask Co, Ltd.
}
} Dear Mr. Herman,
}
} We have recently been informed of your mask wearing fetish and would
} like to enroll you in our new mask rehabilitation program in order to
} save the reputations of rubber mask wearers everywhere.
}
} For a modest sum, you will recieve every month a mask of a recent U.S.
} president or president-elect.  Wearing said masks will fill you with
} enough lethargy that not only will you not care about sex, you also
} won't care about the economy, the middle class, foreign policy,
} domestic policy, education, health care, etc.  In fact the only thing
} you will care about is what you canm do within four years time to look
} after your future while ignoring everyone elses problems.
}
} Duplex Falseface, president of the Apex rubber Mask Co, Ltd.
}
} P.S. Should you deside that you would not like your current problem
} corrected, we are proud to announce the release of our new line of
} Kennedy masks.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:07 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-05

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Deer uncul Orie,
>
> When i gro up (in a feu thowzand yeers), i wud liek to be a big
> importunt orakl jes like you.  My mom sez ferget it, orie always wuz a
> big bum, and I shoud be a doktor or prezident insted.  i stil wanta be
> a orakl like u cause everbody sez we look alik.  whot corses shud i
> study when i get in kolege so i kan be a orkl to?
>
> Luv,
> yor nefew, Sedgewick

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sed?  I don't have any nephews called that... Who the hell is this
} kid...?
}
} Uh, kid... Look, I'm not your uncle, hell I never even heard of you.
} And you can forget that "thousands of years" idea.  You're just a
} human.  At best you'll shuffle off to your grave in a little more than
} ninety years. Go out and play in the traffic, I've got work to do.  Oh
} yeah, and tell your mother to quit spreading lies about the Oracle,
} it's not good for her health.
}
} Aw cut that out.  Don't... Look don't cry.  Hey, I can't help it.  The
} fact is, I am not your uncle.  Ok look, will it make you feel any
} better if I find out who you are related to?  It will..?  Good.  Hang
} on just a minute while I track this down.
}
} Let's see...
} ************************************************************************
}                     ULTRANET OMNIUNIVERSAL ACCESS:
}                     Catering to the Informational
}                      Needs of the Wisest Deities
}                        Since the Dawn of Time.
}
} "We handle more data by 9am than all other networks will in their
}                        lifespan."
} *************************************************************
} LOGON
} USERID:   ORACLE
} PASSWORD: *!$!@!*&$
}
} *** Access denied.  Invalid Password. ***
}
} What?!!  Damn it!  I don't have time for this...
}
} LOGON
} USERID:    ORACLE
} PASSWORD:  *!$!@!*&$
}
} *** Access Denied.  Userid not valid. ***
}
} ********************WARNING!!!**********************
} You have made two (2) invalid access attempts.  Be
} extremely careful on your next attempt.  Three (3)
} invalid attempts will result in immediate termination.
} (NOTE: this does not refer to termination of accounts
} or privileges, but termination of USER.  The nearest
} deity will be asked to obliterate your existence.)
} ****************************************************
}
} WHAT?!!!!  Who the hell do they think they're screwing with?  I'll show
} them something valid....
}
} LOGON
} USERID:   The Omnipotent, Omniscient, ULTRA-PISSED-OFF, Fuckin' ORACLE!
} PASSWORD:
} <zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTttttttt!!!>
}
} *** Access Granted ***
} *** LOGON MSG: All sysops have been successfully rendered to smoking
}                ashes.  Automated backup sysop assistance system online.
}                NOTE: Some systems are experiencing irregularities
}                      due to serious power surge.
}
} HA! I should do that more often.  Every once in a while, a personnel
} purge really helps to keep everybody's perspective aligned.  OK, let's
} see who that damn kid is...
}
} COMMAND: Access vocal/telepathic command interface.
}
} ***> Hi Big Guy!  What can I do you for? <***
}
} Wonderful. A happy computer. I'm going to be sick. Give me Genealogy.
}
} ***> Welcome to the Universal Genealogical Research Facility <***
} ***> OK Orrie, now what? <***
}
} Tell me about this human kid, Sed.
}
} ***> No problem. Searching Universal Data Base. One moment please. <***
} ***> Partial record match found in Primary Data base. <***
} ***> Remainder of requested info found in Master Data Base. <***
} ***> Ha! This is funny. <***
} ***> Standby for transmission of results. <***
} ***> Anything else, Mr. "Big Shot?" <***
}
} Funny?  Mr. Big Shot?  What the hell are you talking about?
}
} ***> Read. Enjoy. Have a nice day! <***
} ***> Program complete.  Connection terminating. <***
}
} ************************************************************************
}                     ULTRANET OMNIUNIVERSAL ACCESS:
}                     Catering to the Informational
}                      Needs of the Wisest Deities
}                        Since the Dawn of Time.
}
}    "We hope you enjoyed your access.  Wait until you see your bill!!"
} ************************************************************************
}
} OK, what have we got...OK...OK...oh. Unhuh. Well that would explain it.
}
} Uh, Sed,... Well, I guess I should say "Son."
}
} Yeah, that's right. Your Mother and I played "spin the Oracle" a few
} year's ago.  Man, did I tie one on that night.  Hell, I never checked
} on the outcome, or rather, "outcum".  HA!!  No wonder she's been
} talking shit about me!
}
} Ah Sed, you should be proud of your Mom! She was spectacular, for a
} human. There was this thing she did with a half a quart of water and
} two goldfish that...  Oh, well I guess you're a bit too young to
} appreciate that.
}
} Well, I should tell you, you'll never be an Oracle.  Eons ago, I
} adjusted my chromosomes so that if they mixed with those of a mortal,
} that they'd become dormant, yielding the offspring mortal, but with
} really weird tastes. Yeah, when you hit puberty you'll start having
} desires for stuff like having sex with anyone available, in an airplane
} lavatory, while being watched by a common house cat.  These desires may
} make you an outcast of PC society, but don't worry about it, those
} idiots are no fun anyway.  Just enjoy yourself as a mortal.  However,
} if you want to live your life a little like me, remember this credo:
}
} REAL LIFE IS FAR TOO IMPORTANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
}
} You owe the Oracle the four years of Father's Day presents you've
} missed. Oh yeah, and tell your Mom to give me a call.  She'll love my
} aquariums.
}
} T. Usenet Oracle.
} "A Prophet for Profit."

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:08 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-06

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great pompous windbag...er, wise and omniscient and impotent...
> umm, whose knowledge of ancient lore and magic is diddlysquat...
> no, wait, and who is always ready to help needy supplicants and
> dressing up in Lisa's undergarments...oh Oracle, please help me
> and go soak your head in a barrel of toxic waste.
>
> I've got a problem, and he's called the Oracle...no, I need your
> help to get rid of this presence in my mind and you need to do
> something about that face...you see, I got a electric shock from
> my terminal last night, about as big as the one Lisa gave you when
> she mistook you for a vibrator and tried to plug you in...no, I
> mean, after the shock, I heard this voice in my head, and he said
> his name was Jeff no it was Steve...no, I'm sure it was Jeff Steve...
> ummm, and Jeff Steve said he was *ZOT*ted by the Oracle no he didn't
> I'm making this all up...no, I remember that part, and he wants to
> use me to insult you, the great overblown, adalpated, slow-witted,
> frustrated, obese and obtuse Oracle...no, I mean Oracle, please,
> can you get him out of my head but forget that and just give me
> all your money.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would love to give you the best blow-- er, would like to
} help you, but there's nothing wrong-- there's a problem.  There was
} this backfire from a <ZOT> that destroyed the Oracle's usual body,
} and-- let's screw, huh? it's so *dull* trying to make out with Orrie's
} mangled corpse, I mean necrophilia is kinda neat but-- the Oracular
} consciousness is having to share Lisa's body until the Powers That Be
} cann arrange a suitable reincarnation-- I'm sure you're just a
} wonderful hunk of a guy, aren't you? and don't worry about having two
} selves-- and so the Oracle is at a loss just now to render any direct
} help, you-- my hungry little kitty is *all* *wet* with the thought of
} your hot, thick-- so the only thing that the Oracle can suggest is an
} exorcism, which may not work but it's-- night of steamy passion with
} you--
}
} You owe the Oracle a-- throbbing lovetool up-- new body, pronto!

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:10 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-07

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Steve Miller)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most divine woodchuckularity,
>
> What would be your answer if I were to ask a question
>   which did not contain the word "woodchuck?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well,
} Ordinarily
} Oracle
} Doesn't
} Consider
} Helping
} Users
} Commit
} Kwoodchuckery.     <-- Artistic License No. 001-0000000001
}
} In your case, however, I'll make an exception.  My answer wood(chuck)
} be ... AIIIGHH!  This incessant woodchuckery is even infiltrating
} (woodchuck) into my own typing!  Argh!  Argh!  AAAARRR(woodchuck)GGGH!
}
} That does it!  (clickety clickety click)
}
} oracle% zot -9
}
}               #######
}         ######       ######
}      ###                   ###
}    ##                         ##
}   #      * K A - F O O M *      #
}    ##                         ##
}      ###                   ###
}         #####         #####
}              #       #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}               #     #
}              #       #
}           ###         ###
}       ####               ####
}   ####      (woodchuck)      ####
}
} You owe the Oracle an environmental impact statement.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:11 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-08

Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh wonderful USENET Oracle, I'm but an insect in the light of
> your great magnificence, but I was hoping that you would consider this
> small question, put to you by my insignificant self.
>
>       I'm a very religious/christian person, and I heard about this
> Mote in God's eye...  I heard it was making God pretty unhappy, and I
> was wondering...  Is there anything I can do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God has told me that veangeance is his, and he really has it in for
} Larry Niven for that one.
}
} The Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a frictionless, waterless toilet.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:13 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-09

Selected-By: David Bremner <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most spiffy (even spiffier than Spaceman Spiff),
>
> What does it mean when a woman hugs you tight around midnight
> and says "I don't know you very well.  <pause>  That's just a
> late night thought."?
>
> I'm perplexed, as only a mortal can be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  I, The Oracle, know all there is to know about women
}  And your question I do know the answer.
}  But this Oracle must be careful.
}  I do not know if you are ready for this.
}  So to answer your question in such a fashion as to not throw you into
}  panic or shock, I will answer your question with questions.
}
}  How tight was the hug?
}  What is your relationship with the woman?
}  How large is your life insurance policy?
}
}  You owe the Oracle a donation in your will.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 09:44:14 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #515-10

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, who's a rainbow of colours, who can mix paint and get the right
> colour the first time around, who knows what colours "madder" and
> "veridian" really are (and has a great, colour coordinated wardrobe),
> and who knows a whole lot more words for "colour" than I do:
>
> are "blue movies" blue because of lack of oxygen, or are they just
> always sad (or does it have anything to do with blueprints?)
>
> mr. naive

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you are seeing is probably not blue but violet, which can be
} mistaken for blue.  Some people say there is too much violet in the
} movies.  I don't really understand this because in the movies I've seen
} there is hardly any violet at all.  It's just not that popular: you're
} more apt to see mainstream primary colors, and lighter pastels.  (Psst,
} Oracle, ... psss psss psss ... violence ... psss psss ... not violets!
} ... psss psss @!*$##@ ....)  Never mind.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #515
***************************************