NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31

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Xref: sparky rec.humor:36986 soc.culture.soviet:11431 Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.soviet Path: sparky!uunet!gatech!destroyer!cs.ubc.ca!uw-beaver!news.u.washington.edu!gibdo!bobk From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob) Subject: Re: Bob's Christmas Collection: Part 2 Message-ID: <1992Dec23.014546.2912@gibdo.engr.washington.edu> Sender: news@u.washington.edu (USENET News System) Organization: University of Washington Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 01:48:07 GMT Lines: 2801 CHRISTMAS SONGS OH LADY DI (Tune: Oh Christmas Tree) Oh Lady Di, Oh Lady Di, I see thy future failing. Oh Lady Di, Oh Lady Di, Thy social image's ailing. You married when, you were a child, You should be cool, yet you are wild; Oh Lady Di, Oh Lady diiiiii Your bills, Chuck still is paying. Oh Prince Chuckie, Oh Prince Chuckie. Fret not, your ears aren't homely. Oh Prince Chuckie, Oh Prince Chuckie. I doubt that you'll be lonely. With women all around thee mate, While you were married, you liked to date. Oh Prince Chuckie, Oh Prince Chuckieeeee... You won't be king, I'm sorry. Oh Dutchess Ferg, oh Dutchess Ferg, I never really liked you. Oh Dutchess Ferg, oh large ice-berg, You're now ex-dutchess, boo-hoo. You take your top off with your kids, You date more men than Madonna did. Oh Sara Ferg, oh Sara Ferg, Whatever will you now do? Oh Prince Andy, Oh Prince Andy, You should have waited longer... Oh Prince Andy, Oh Prince Andy, Of porn stars you were fonder. Life could be worse, from this point look, At least your wife didn't write a book. Oh Prince Andy, Oh Prince Andeeeee... Although she's bigger, is she stronger? Oh Princess Anne, Oh Princess Anne, Why was your wedding tiny? Oh Princess Anne, Oh Princess Anne, You've got your man now finally! (?) One's not enough, you need some more, Perhaps you found your first a bore. Oh Princess Anne, Oh Princess Anne, The tabloids do not like thee. Oh Queen Eliz, Oh Queen Eliz, Your life must be quite shoddy. Oh Queen Eliz, Oh Queen Eliz, Your kids are most ungodly. Your reign supreme, could be at end, The British are not your best friend. Oh Queen Eliz, Oh Queen Eliz.... How like thee taxes? == OH KENNEDY (Tune: "Oh Christmas Tree") Oh Kennedy, Oh Kennedy, Clan of fornication. If it be a girl he sees, His pants are at half-station. It matters not, of whom we talk They're all the same, chips off a block. Oh Kennedy, oh Kennedy Skirts you're always chasing. == (Tune: "Deck The Halls") Deck the halls with gasoline Fa la la la la la la la la Light a match and watch it gleam Fa la la la la la la la la la Watch your school burn to ashes Fa la la la la la la la la Aren't You glad you played with matches Fa la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa == (Tune: "Deck The Halls") Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower alley'garoo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby lilla boy, Louisville Lou? Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pansacoola hullabaloo! Bark us all bow-wows of folly, Polly wolly cracker n' too-da-loo! Donkey Bonny brays a carol, Antelope Cantaloup, 'lope with you! Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon, Willy, folly go through! Chollie's collie barks at Barrow, Harum scarum five alarum bung-a-loo! Duck us all in bowls of barley, Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo! Chilly Filly's name is Chollie, Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo! Bark us all bow-wows of folly, Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof,Woof, Woof! Tizzy seas on melon collie! Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, Goof, Goof! === WRECK THE MALLS - from Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas (Tune: Deck The Halls) Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la; You don't need to have a reason Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la; Tamper with their P A System Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la; something something something something Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la. == (Tune: Deck The Halls) Deck the malls this Christmas season, fa la la la la, la la la la Blow your cash for no good reason, fa la la la la, la la la la Push your charge card to it's limit fa la la, la la la, la la la Your check book now has nothing in it. fa la la la la, la la la la. == DECK THE HALLS -- P.C. VERSION (Tune: Deck The Halls) Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species Fa la la la la, la la la la 'Tis the season to be self-actualizing, Fa la la la la, la la la la Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel Fa la la la la, la la la la Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol Fa la la la la, la la la la See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non- endangered wood before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort, Fa la la la la la la la la Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming, Fa la la la la, la la la la Fast away the mature year passes Fa la la la la la la la la Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons Fa la la la la la la la la Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure, Fa la la la la la la la la While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure, Fa la la la la, la la la la == DONDE ESTA PAPA -- by D M Goldstein 1984 (Tune: Feliz Navidad) Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad and now he's rotting in County Jail. Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad, And they'll deport him if my mother can't make his bail. (Chorus:) I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my cell. (repeat.) (alternate first verse:) Donde esta Papa? Donde esta Papa? Donde esta Papa? Papa no esta aqui. (repeat.) == THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID "GENTLEMEN" - from Bob Rivers' "Twisted Christmas" (Tune: God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen) The restroom door said "Gentlemen," so I just walked inside. I took two scents and realized I was taken for a ride. I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied, By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse. What could be worse? Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse. The restroom door said "Gentlemen," it must have been a gag. As soon as I walked in there, I ran into some old hag. She sprayed me with a can of mace and sacked me with her bag. I could tell this just wouldn't be my day. What could I say? It just wasn't turning out to be my day. The restroom door said "Gentlemen," and I would like to find, The crummy little creep(?) who had the nerve to switch the sign. Cause I've got two black eyes and one high-heel up my behind. Now I can't sit with comfort and joy. Boy, oh boy. No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy. == WE THOUGHT THEY ALL WERE GENTLEMEN - by the NJ Editorial Minstrel [from the collection: "Is New Jersey Revolting?" (c) copyright 1991,92] (Tune: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen ) We thought they all were Gentlemen when we elected them It seems to not have mattered if Republican or Dem' Their platforms told of good things they'd do when they got their say. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy. Such a dumb ploy! Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy. It seems that they were Gentlemen although bi-partisan. They'd sometimes act like elephants and sometimes like an ass. It seems that when they talk aloud they just say something crass. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy. Such a dumb ploy! Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy. They said they all were Gentlemen. It seems there was no pick. We all remember what they said was filled with rhetoric. They'd save us all from tax increase, and drive our fears away. Oh how did we all fall for this dumb ploy. What a dumb ploy! Oh how ever did we fall for this dumb ploy. It seemed that they were Gentlemen though party lines supplant. It seems that their slow motions often were like el-e-phants. Or then to show their other side, they'd act like a jack-ass. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy. Partisan noise. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy. We thought they were all Gentlemen So why am I dismayed? You should just hear the way they boast before election day. They'll help with our insurance fees and drop the J.U.A. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy? Oh boy oh boy! Yes we really have been taken by this ploy. Our Gov'ner said just give me time; You voters are confused. I don't see any tax revolt, He said to those at Duke. The voters sent a message Bradley nearly got the boot. Oh we will not be taken by that ploy. Not by that ploy! We no longer will be taken by that ploy. The Gov'ner tried to patch things up a fair insurance bill. The JUA now MTF, but works the same way still. The fees now re-dis-tri-buted keep escalating still. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy? Oh boy oh boy! Yes we really have been taken by this ploy. The education funding plan has been re-vis-it-ed. They took some back for tax relief, home owners weren't amused. New education programs were then left a bit confused. Oh how could we have fallen for this ploy? Oh boy oh boy! Yes we really have been taken by this ploy. State bonds were rated triple "A"; but that they're gonna loose. The budget seems quite tipsy, cash flow needed... real soon. They sold off some state highway miles, THE BANKER'S WEREN'T AMUSED. Oh I don't think they've fallen for that ploy. Bond rate destroyed. No it seems they were not taken by that ploy. State budget mess, I must confess remains a hot issue. If Lame Ducks take their Tax Bills back the budget will be skewed. The deficit will raise again. The voters once more screwed. Oh, how could we be taken by that ploy Lame Ducks, Oh boy! Oh, how could we have been taken by that ploy. == WE'LL TAKE THOSE GUNS FROM CITIZENS - By The NJ Editorial Minstrel [(c) copyright 1992] [Tune: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen] The streets unsafe, police did state. We need to form a plan. We'll legislate in NJ state; Assault weapons to ban. To dis-arm all the citizens the bill did so demand. Bill of Rights promise seems to be ignored. That was de-plored. Bill of Rights abridgment seeming to unfold. We'll take those guns from citizens. [sit-i-sons] the Gov'ner did declare. The state is right, We've got the might. Enforcement will be there. We'll register and track them. They're a danger, don't you see? Those gun owners are a menace, don't you know. That's what we're told. Those gun owners are a menace to us all. The citizens did hold their line. Few weapons were withdrawn. It seems that less than one percent is all police record. With GOP in power now that ban may be withdrawn. Oh it seems that our rights may be restored. May be restored. Yes it seems that o-u-r rights may be restored. == SANTA CLAUS IS WIELDING A GUN (Tune: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town) Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun He's making a list And checking it twice Gonna find out who He's gonna ice Santa Claus is wielding a gun Don't give him any trouble He'll blow you right away Don't give him any cause to shoot Or you'll make his Christmas Day Oh, you better believe He's packing a rod No coal in your stocking Just lead in your bod Santa Claus is wielding a gun He doesn't want cookies Or none of that crud He doesn't want milk What he wants is your blood Santa Claus is wielding a gun (Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire) He doesn't trust nobody Shot all his reindeer dead Thought Dancer was a sissy And thought Rudoulph was a red Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun == Phone Answering Machine Message (Tune: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town) Oh I'm not here I'm prob'ly at the mall But if you're good I'll return your call So leave your name and number at the tone. Oh you know I might be sleeping I just might be away I might not wanna talk with you Oh I don't know what to say, 'cause I'm not here I'm prob'ly at the mall But if you're good I'll return your call So leave your name and number at the tone. == U*ix Style (Tune: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town) better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus <north pole >town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus <north pole > town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good } better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus <north pole >town == RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED COWBOY (Tune: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) Rudolph the red nosed cowboy had a very shiny gun, and if you ever saw it you would turn around and run. All of the other reindeers used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph play in any poker games. Then one frosty Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your gun so bright won't you shoot my wife tonight." Now all the other reindeers shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the red nosed cowboy you'll go down in history." == RANDOLPH THE BROWN-NOSE STUDENT (Tune: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) Randolph the brown-nose student Tried to get a really high score TA's would ask him questions He would give them much much more All of the other students Said that Randolph was a fake They never let poor Randolph Join in any study break Then one foggy finals week The Professor came to say "Randolph, with your ass so tight, Won't you kiss the ground tonight." Then the professor loved him And he shouted out with glee "Randolph, the Brown-nose student, You've got an A in history!" == RUDOLPH REVISITED - by D M Goldstein, 1986 (Tune: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Let me tell you a secret; it's from a drug overdose! All of the other Reindeer used to laugh and call him names. That is what drove poor Rudolph to escape into Coccaine. Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say, "Rudolph, we know what you've done." The police came and took him away. Now all the Reindeer are straight; they've given up PCP, quaaludes, and marijuana, and flying high on LSD. (Optional tag, to the tune of NOEL ...) No L, No L, No L, No L. None of the Reindeer do LSD. == HARK THE CAROL SINGERS CHOKE (Tune: Hark The Herald Angels Sing) Hark the carol singers choke From the smog and fumes and smoke; See them rub their itching eyes While the soot pours from the skies. Fumes and smoke their throats expel Gasping out, 'The First Noel.' Joyful voices cough and hack While the fresh snow is turning black; When their final song is sung They'll head for home -- with one less lung. Hark the carol singers choke From the smog and fumes and smoke. == (Tune: We Three KIngs) We, three kings of Orient are. One in a taxi, one in a car. One on a scooter, Blowing its hooter, That's how we got so far! We, three kings of Orient are. Tried to smoke a rubber cigar. It was loaded, And exploded, That's how I got this scar! == THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK UP IN THE CHIMNEY (Sung by a little girl) There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, And it's been there all night long. Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night but he never came And it don't seem right. And there's something in the chimney and it doesn't make a sound, But I wish you Merry Christmas. There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all week long. Well the (something) is backing up the chimney flue and we don't know what we're going to do. Cause there's something in the chimney and it doesn't move around, And it's been a week since Christmas. There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all month long. Well it's Santa died (?) above the fireplace now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace. And there's something in the chimney and it doesn't talk at all, And it's been there since last Christmas. There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all year long. I've been waiting up for Santa like I did last year but my brother says, "He's already here." And he's stuck up in the chimney and he doesn't say a word And he'll be there every Christmas. And we'll have him every Christmas. == SURF CHRISTMAS - by D M Goldstein, 1988 (Tune: White Christmas) I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas, Just like the ones from days gone by; Where the wave tops glisten, and surfers listen, to hear breakers twelve feet high. I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas, to every Surf Dude I confide, Keep your board well waxed, and you'll fly, and "I gotta take that one last ride." == OH, LITTLE BANK AMERICARD (Tune: Oh, Little Town Of Bethlehem) Oh, little Bank Americard You bring me Christmas Cheer - Without your clout I have no doubt No gifts I'd give this year. Your credit line allows me To run up bills quite large And when I'm through Exhausting you I'll use my Master Charge. (Same tune, sung in late February) Oh, little Bank Americard You bring me discontent I calculate Your int'rest rate Is over twelve percent. Each month your cry for payment My letter-box bombards; I'm one more sap Caught in your trap Next year I'll just send cards. == OH LITTLE TOWN OF TRENTON - by the NJ Editorial Minstrel [(c) copyright 1992] (Tune: Oh Little Town of Bethlehem) Oh little town of Trenton how yet we hear your lies. Above the din; State House within those catered lunches fly. Yet in the dim light later an education bill. It's Q.E.A. for which we'll pay a rather bitter pill. This bill was born in dar-rkness and there it yet resides. With payoff sins and city grins; yet S.A.T.s decline. This bill as formed was perfect; the framers doth reply. But tweek it here, adjust it there... revisions on the fly! == FROSTY THE HITMAN (Tune: Frosty The Snowman) Frosty the Hitman was a very cruel soul, With a private jet and a 44 and 2 eyes as red as coal, Frosty the Hitman was a fairy tale they say But the hitmen knew that he really blew off someone's head that day. There must have been some bullets in the gun that frosty bought For a hitman died when frosty tried to take the safety off! So Frosty the hitman was forced to run away, Never lookin' back at the run-down shack Where the gang had used to stay. While running through the streets of town he saw a traffic cop, But cleaned him out with a couple rounds when he heard him holler stop Well Frosty the hitman had to hurry on his way, And noone ever saw him again Right up to this day. Well Frosty the ... == WHIP ME SANTA CLAUS - by Mucous and the Phlegms (Tune: Here Comes Santa Claus ?) Whip me Santa Claus; spank me Santa Claus; Don't worry if my flesh be seared. I should be harshly punished for being bad all year. Whip me Santa Claus; spank me Santa Claus; The time of reckoning is near. I have to pay my social debt before I can have cheer. Choosing the correction is solely up to you, But I would like a reddened butt, Do what you have to do. If your hands are fragile, a paddle you might use. I want to surely pay my debt, therefore you must abuse. Paddles can have nails, yes that would be real good. And like an executioner, please wear a leather hood. Whip me Santa Claus; spank me Santa Claus; Don't worry if my flesh be seared. I should be harshly punished for being bad all year. Whip me Santa Claus; spank me Santa Claus; The time of reckoning is near. I have to pay my social debt before I can have cheer. What is this you tell me - you'll never punish me. Cause that is not the way you work, hell that is news to me. When you don't bring presents to children that were bad, Then you have punished them I say by making them feel bad. Violence may offend you, then use a gentle touch. But still I want that reddened but - is that asking too much? Whip me Santa Claus; spank me Santa Claus; Don't worry if my flesh be seared. I should be harshly punished for being bad all year. Whip me Santa Claus; spank me Santa Claus; The time of reckoning is near. I have to pay my social debt before I can have cheer. == I SAW MOMMY SMOOTCHIN' SANTY CLAUS - by Homer and Jethro (Tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus) [sung with a country twang] I saw Mommy smootchin' Santy Claus underneath the christmas tree last night. She puckered up her lips. Pleasure he was a-seekin'. She missed his mouth and kissed his nose, and the dog-gone thing was a-leekin'. Then I heared Mommy tell old Santy Claus, "Santy, you have got to change your ways. Go and get yourself a shave, then I will be your slave. Smootchin you is just like smootchin' Gabby Hayes." I saw Mommy smootchin' Santy Claus underneath the christmas tree last night. Their smootchin was so loud, it woke up Uncle Fudd. It sounded like a cow a pullin her foot out of the mud. Then I shot Santy with a BB gun and you should have heard old Santy squawk. Then he jumped about ten feet and he took off up the street and he hollered, "Merry Christmas to you all." == I SAW DADDY KISSING SANTA CLAUS - by D M Goldstein (Tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus) I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus when we Christmas shopped last night. They didn't see me creep into the John to take a leak, they thought that they were all alone and so a kiss they sneaked. (oh,) I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus underneath his suit of red and white. What a laugh it would have been if Mom had only seen Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night! == I SAW DADDY KISSING SANTA CLAUS - by Kip Adotta (Tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus) I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus Underneath the mistletoe last night. He didn't see me creep Down the stairs to have a peep. He thought that I was upstairs in my bedroom fast asleep. Then I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus Underneath his beard so snowy white. There must be some mistake; Was I really awake? I rubbed my eyes and moved in close, a better look to take. Then I saw Daddy hugging Santa Claus. He took his hand and pulled him to the couch. It must have been just fine; Santa didn't mean to mind. Then Daddy moved across the room to pour them both some wine. Then I saw Daddy fondle Santa Claus, And on his ear he nibbled now and then. I crawled across the floor, I hid behind the door, I left it open just a crack so I could see some more. Then I saw Daddy undress Santa Claus. They quickly threw their clothes on our big chair. Well, much to my surprise, I couldn't believe my eyes! It wasn't Santa after all but Mommy in disguise, When I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus Underneath to mistletoe last night. Oh what I laugh it would have been, If I had REALLY seen, Daddy kissing Santa Claus laast niiiiiiiiiiiiight!!! == I SAW ELVIS DRESSED AS SANTA CLAUS - by The Fibs (Tune: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus) Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus in my hometown shopping mall last night. I knew it must be him Santa is a very slim. (???) And his sideburns where much darker than the whiskers on his chin. Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus hiding under that beard of snowy white. Then I saw his whiskers slip, when he curled his lip. Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night. Spoken: Yessiree, I saw Elvis sitting on Santa's throne. Really I did, and I'm gonna call the Enquirer, Because after all, Suspicious minds wanna know. He had blue suede boots and bells, you should have seen it for yourselves. Sung: And did you ever wonder why it is they call his helpers Elves? Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus hiding under that beard of snowy white. Oh you can imagine my surprise, when I saw through his disguise. Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night. Well,I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus in my hometown shopping mall last night. He was sitting in Santa's chair; little sister pulling on his hair. And I heard him say "Now don't be cruel, you'll get a teddy bear." Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus hiding underneath that beard of snowy white. Then I saw his whiskers slip, when he curled his lip. Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night. Well it makes me wanna sing Blue Christmas like the King. Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night. Elvis here, Elvis there, Elvis everywhere! I heard him say "Now don't be cruel, you'll get a teddy bear." == A CHRISTMAS CAROL - by Tom Lehrer Christmas time is here by golly Disapproval would be folly Deck the halls with hunks of holly Fill a cup and don't say when Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens Even though the prospect sickens Brother, here we go again On Christmas Day you can't get sore Your fellow man you must adore There's time to rob him all the more The other three hundred and sixty-four Relations sparing no expense will Send some useless old utensil Or a matching pen and pencil Just the thing I need... how nice It doesn't matter how sincere it Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit Sentiment will not endear it What's important is the price Hark the Herald Tribune sings Advertising wondrous things God rest ye merry merchants May ye make the Yuletide pay Angels we have heard on high Tell us to go out and buy So... Let the raucous sleighbells jingle Hail our dear old friend, Chris Kringle Driving his reindeer across the sky Don't stand underneath when they fly by == SANTA CLAUS IS WATCHING YOU - by Ray Stevens Now babydoll, sweetie-pie, sugarplum, honey-bunch, angel face, You know you better be good And act like two fine lovers should. Be careful what you say and do Cause Santa Claus is watching you. You'd better kiss and hold me tight. Give me good lovin' every night. Cause you'll be sorry if ya make me blue Cause Santa Claus is watching you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) Well you may thing you can sneak around, get away with something But there ain't no way, Cause Santa's no fool, he's really super cool. He's the secret head of the CIA. (Eesh, Iish, crime don't pay) You can't do nothin' cause you're never alone He's even got a wire tap on your phone. So baby if you ever do me wrong. Break my heart and leave me alone. When Christmas comes, you're crying too. Cause Santa Claus is watching you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) Every Christmas season, he climbs on his sled full of toys, With fuel exhaust, side mirrors, foxtails, mudflaps, and leopard-skin seats covers And spreads Christmas cheer to all good little girls and boys. Then he says on Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, and Bruce and Marvin, Leon, Cletus and George and Bill and Slick, and Do-right, Clyde and Ace and Blackie and Queenie, Prince and Spot and Rover (Say where's Rudolph - He's on a stakeout over at your house.) You can run, you can hide, but you can't get away Got a binocular focus on you everyday. So baby if you ever do me wrong. Break my heart and leave me alone. When Christmas comes, you're crying too. Cause Santa Claus is watching you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) Yeah Santa Claus is watching you (he's everywhere oh lord have mercy) Santa's got his eyes all over you. You better watch out - Ooh, look out there's Santa Clause peepin' around the corner and shoot, you in deep trouble. I don't think you understand the situation. I got a call into the North Pole right now. Them little elves gonna come down here and whoop up on you. I mean you gotta be true blue through and through or Santa gonna get you. == CHRISTMAS AT GROUND ZERO - by Weird Al It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's music in the air The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin' While the air raid sirens blare It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed The radio just let us know That "This is not a test..." Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin' It's the end of all humanity No more time for last minute shoppin' It's time to face your final destiny Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero There's panic in the crowd We can dodge debris while we trim the tree Underneath a mushroom cloud You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop Or Jack Frost on your windowsill But if someone's climbin' down your chimney You better load your gun and shoot to kill Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero And if the radiation level's okay I'll go out with you and see the all new Mutations on New Year's Day It's Christmas at Ground Zero Just secondsleft to go I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover Underneath the mistletoe It's Christmas at Ground Zero Now the missles are on their way What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday == YOU'RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH - by Dr. Seuss You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus; You're as charming as an eel. Mr. Grinch, you're a bad banana with a greasy, black peel. You're a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders; There's garlic in your soul. Mr. Grinch, I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole. You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks; Your soul is full of gunk. Mr. Grinch, the three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote, "Stink, stank, stunk!" == THE WHO SONG - from Dr. Seuss's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" "Abu, dores, Abu dores, [What are they actually saying?] Welcome Christmas bring your light, Abu dores, Abu dores, Welcome Christmas, Christmas day... Abu, damus, abu damus, Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp... Abu dores, abu dores welcome Christmas, Christmas day!" == MR ICICLE, MR SNOW - from "The Year Without a Santa Claus" (Mr. Heat Miser and Mr Cold Miser sing a dueling duet.) I'm Mr. Icicle, I'm Mr. Snow. I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Ten-Below. Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch Turns to snow in my clutch. I'm too much! (too much!) I never want to see a day that's over forty degrees. I'd rather have 30, 20, 10, 5 and freeze! [mini Snowy clones come out, as Snow Miser pirouettes and provides the "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" background] He's Mr. Icicle, he's Mr. Snow. He's Mr. Green Christmas, He's Mr. Ten-Below. [Snowy again] Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch Turns to snow in my clutch. I'm too much! (too much!) [must give the guys equal time, so] I'm Mr. Heatblister, I'm Mr. Sun. I'm Mr. Green Christmas, I'm Mr. Hundred-and-One. They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch Starts to melt in my clutch. I'm too much. (too much!) I never want to know a day that's under 60 degrees. I'd rather have it 70, 80, 90, 100 degrees. Some like it hot, but I like it REALLY hot! [Miser mini-clones come in] He's Mr. Heatblister, he's Mr. Sun. He's Mr. Green Christmas, he's Mr. Hundred-and-One. [the hothead sings again] They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch Starts to melt in my clutch. I'm too much. (too much!) == I'LL BE CLONED FOR CHRISTMAS - by D M Goldstein, 1988 (Tune: I'll Be Home For Christmas) I'll be Cloned for Christmas, there'll be three of me; One to Work, and One to Shop, and One just for Partys. Christmas Eve, I'm certain, I won't be alone; I'll be home for Christmas, or else I'll send a Clone! == HAVE A MERRY MILITARY CHRISTMAS Little Johhny Johnson wants an M-16. Sister Suzi wants an Uzi and a sub-machine. Kids are making wishes and wartime strategies, Singing, 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace.' Buy war toys for CHristmas; have a happy holiday! Santa traded in his red cap for a Green Beret. Teach thos happy little children to be hellcats when they play, And have a very, merry, military day! Jamie wants the lastest deadly laser gun. Little Tommy asked his mommy for his own B-1. Kids are dropping napalm on their Christmas trees, Singing, 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace.' Buy war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday! Santa knows the missle toes the line in every way. Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play, And have a very, merry, military day! We all have our fingers crossed, For another cold war frost, Singing, 'Oh by golly, Let's be jolly, Deck the Holocast!' Darling Danny Simpson armed his own brigade, Staged a coup and overthrew the Christmas day parade. Kids are roasting chestnuts and burning MRE's, Singing 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace!' By war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday! Santa fired his reindeer; now he flies the Enola Gay. Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play, And have a very, merry, military day! And have a very, scary, military day! Singing 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peeeeeace!' == WONDER WHERE I AM (Tune: Winter Wonderland) (sung like 'Arthur') At the office Christmas party, I started out with a Bicardi. I didn't get saused, But, right now, I'm lost! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! I had a beer at my brother's, Had egg nog at my mother's, Then two bottles of wine. Which automobile's mine? It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! Someone caught me dancing with a snowman. Policemen came and put me in their car. They asked, 'Are you drunk?' And I said, 'No, man, But could you drop me off at the next bar?' I guess my wife must be missing; Who's this dog that I kissing? They say his name's 'Spot', And he likes me...a lot!! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! I was looking for a lady I could dance with, And so I stood beneath the mistletoes. Someone said, 'You'd have a better chance if You take the lampshade off and put back on your clothes'! Well it's time to be going. I'm naked! Is it still snowing? It's time I should leave, But I'll be back New Year's Eve!!! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! Have you seen my hat; I wouldn't want to freeze! What a party!! Don't you wish you were me?!?!? == "Computer Wonderland" - by D M Goldstein 1983 (Tune: Winter Wonderland) Axes swing, are you listenin'? Gold and jewels, how they glisten. A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night, playing in Computer Wonderland. (Bridge:) In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants, or plot our BIORYTHM for a year; Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK, or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare. Later on, we'll play WUMPUS; Zing those bats when they thump us. OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time, playing in Computer Wonderland. == NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND (Tune: Walking in a Winter Wonderland) Hello kids, are you listening? In Kiev, things are glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland It begain in Chernobyl But the cloud's goin' global We'll all feel just fine We'll sip iodine In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland Near the meltdown we can build a snowman And we'll name him Andrei or Mikhail Then we'll sit around and watch him glow, man Until we duck the phosphorescent hail Lots of folks will expire As they sit by the fire The stacks will look neat Encased in concrete In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland La la la, la de da da La la la, la de da da La dee da da da La dee da da da In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland Oh, we can all go have bone marrow transplants Maybe somehow we will all survive We'll have lots of fun in chemother'py When we sport growths in 2025! Gone away is the sun here Here to stay is the nuclear We'll play in the snow We'll laugh and we'll glow In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland! == "The Homeless Song (Reaganomics)" - by D M Goldstein, 1988 (Tune: The Christmas Song) Homeless sitting by an open fire, Frost-bite eating at their toes; Uletide carols being sung by a choir, drive the kids to Overdose. (Everybody knows,) George Bush is our new President, and you know that isn't right; Democrats, with fear in their eyes, will find it hard to sleep tonight. They know that Reagan's had his way, He spent lots of dough, and bought lots of arms in his day; And every Mother's child has cause to fear, 'Cause Repulicans have four more years. And, So, I'm offering this simple phrase, for men eighteen to thirty-three, although it's been said that there won't be a draft, get out of here; get out of here; find another Country. == A NEW JERSEY CHRISTMAS SONG - by the NJ Editorial Minstrel [(c) copyright 1990] (Tune: A Christmas Song) Tax cuts burning on an open fire Our Gov'ner turns to stoke the coals {or} Gov'ner turns and thumbs his nose {or} Exxon brakes another hose Protest songs being sung by a chior and folks get laid off by the drove Education plans are changing by the moment now, please help us make our students bright. Pension plans being payed by the towns. We may sleep on the street tonight. We know the tax mans on his way. He's loaded lots of fee increases in his sleigh. Our health insurance plan has gone awry. Our referendum bill unhappily has died. And so I wonder if this Florio plan is understood by only you. It looks awful bad, so for now I'll just say... Merry Christmas to you. We know the tax mans on his way. He's loaded lots of fee increases in his sleigh. Our car insurance plans have gone awry. The D. M. V. fees have shot right up to the sky. And so I wonder if the Florio plan is understood by more than two. Our States' at a loss , but alas I still say... Merry Christmas to you. == CHRISTMAS IS REVOLTING - by the Elves Christmas, a special time of year; suicides, moldy fruitcake and shop-lifting. Santa, he struts and smells like beer; You know he ripped off all the toys that he'll be bringing Tinsel, holly, mistle-toe; Heart attacks from shoveling snow. Beggars in the street, eating reindeer meat -- maybe it's someone you know. Christmas, a time for shopping sprees. Your credit rating's on a sleigh ride to disaster. Checkbooks, cash and credit cards will all be there to help you make that sleigh ride faster The Yuletide season's just begun. Christmas sucks and so does Santa - na na na na na, na na na na. Time for office parties -- Jingle Bells, Rudolph smells, Pokey runs away. We're sick of making toys for ugly girls and boys We know why lions eat their young. Christmas is something to avoid, pushing shoving, Biting, scratching, kicking, screaming. Christmas is like a hemmerhoid - It's here today, gone tomorrow but will flare again next year. == (Tune: Up On The Housetop) Up on the housetop, reindeer say - Santa Claus is becoming gay. He's queered Donner and Blitzen too, When he comes down the chimney, he'll get YOU! Up on the housetop, what's that noise? Santa's playing with little boys. Now we can tell the truth at last - Santa Claus is a pederast! Up on the housetop, what's it gonna be - Christmas presents, or sodomy? Santa will give you a gift of sorts - A textbook case of venereal warts! Up on the housetop, who'll be first To slake old Santa's sexual thirst? If only the smoke wouldn't get in his eyes, I see a hole that's about his size. Up on the housetop, HO HO HO! Santa's brought your Christmas snow. While you enjoy it, he'll reach in his sack, And give you a gift of the finest crack. Frosty the Snowman is Big and White. He chases little children late at night! If he can catch them, you know what he'll do - Snow-ball them 'til they're black and blue. == MR SANTA CLAUS - by D M Goldstein, 1987 (Tune: Mr Bojangles) I met a man named Santa, and he'd pose with you, In a red suit. Silver hair, a red jacket, a long white beard, and big black boots. He'd fly so high, oh, he'd fly so high, and then he'd "Ho ho ho!" I met him in a Sears in Alaska, he was down and out. He looked to me to be the eyes of age, as he spoke right out. He talked of elves, yeah, he talked of elves, smiled, "Ho ho ho"'ed and stepped. (Chorus:) Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. "Nick." He made toys for the girls and boys at County Fairs, throughout the South, He spoke in tears of eight reindeer, how they and him just flew about. Now they've all retired, oh, they've all retired, They stay home Christmas Eve. He said "They'd prance at every chance when they would land on roofs like planes, But most 'the time they'd sit around pole and play Those reindeer games." He shook his head, and as he shook his head I thought I heard a "Ho ho ho!" (repeat Chorus and end.) == SANTA CLAUS - by D M Goldstein 1985 (Tune: Rocket Man) I packed my bags last night for flight; Zero hour, one a.m.; And I'm gonna be high in my sleigh by then. I miss the Pole so much, I miss my wife; It's lonely out in space On such a famous flight. (Chorus:) And I think it's gonna be a long, long time before you get your gifts; you've yet to find I'm not the man you think I am at all, oh no, no, no; because I'm Santa Claus. Santa Claus, flying with my reindeer 'cross the sky. The Pole ain't the kind of place to raise your kids; In fact, it's cold as hell; But there's elves to baby-sit them if you did. And all these 'Go-bots' I don't understand; It's just my job one day a year. Santa Claus, I'm Santa Claus. (repeat Chorus and end.) == CHIPMUNKS ROASTING Date: 16 Dec 1981 0149 Sender: btg29970 Subject: A White Christmas To: santa Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost ripping up your nose Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire And folks dressed up like buffaloes Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow Helps to make the season right Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out Will find it hard to see tonight They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh And every mother's child is sure to spy To see if reindeer really scream when they die And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety two Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Fuck you (...And all I want for Christmas is my TWO FRONT TEETH.) == (Tune: Jingle Bells) Jingle Bells Batman Smells Robin laid an egg Batmobile lost a wheel And Joker got away! Jingle Bells Batman Smells Robin laid an egg Batmobile lost a wheel And Joker got away! Hey! == RUSTY CHEVROLET - By Da Yoopers (?) (Tune: Jingle Bells) (car start) C'mon, c'mon! (car start) C'mon, you can do it! (car engine kicking in) Alright! (music starts) Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet. Down the road I go, sliding all the way. I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires. My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire! Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away. I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay. The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's okay. Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet! I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer. I just passed up my left front tire and it's gettin' hard to steer. Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops. I have to drag my swampers to get the car to stop. CHORUS (Chorus music) Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke. People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke! I have to get to ShopCo to pick up the layaway, 'Cause Santa Claus is comin' soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh! CHORUS Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away. I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay. The fram is bent...(fade out) == "Have a Jewish Christmas" (Tune: Jingle Bells) The lights are being strung, The streets are full of cheer, The stockings have been hung, Christmas Time is here. Its joyous revelry and spirit capture you; "At Christmas Time it's hard to be a good religious Jew." ("Oy") (Chorus:) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle night and day. It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, If Santa Claus is true, his joy is fun for everyone, but what's a Jew to do? He goes to synagogue, it doesn't matter which, He's Jewish and he's very proud, "I'd rather fight than switch." When Christmas Time is here, he wishes it would pass, "Last Sunday morning I got up and almost went to mass!" ("Oy") (repeat Chorus and end.) == From Toxic Custard Workshop - by Daniel Bowen Christmas comes but once a year And just now, it is quite near So get your shopping into gear For all the rellies you hold dear Or next time you will get mere Socks and ties you'll never wear* (*rotten rhyme, eh?) And year after year after year after year Crap presents from all far and near Christmas comes but once a year And when it does, drink lots of beer But don't get drunk and eat your ear Or all your friends will no doubt jeer So on second thoughts, forget the beer Just fall asleep and you will hear The sound of Santa and reindeer Skulling all your nice cold beer Christmas comes but once a year But down in Oz it's downright weird With sun, heat and roos, but no deer No snow, ice or polar bears* So how does Santa's sleigh get here? The last line comes soon I fear I don't know what to write, oh dear! So I'll wimp out and mention Germaine Greer == GRIDLOCK CHRISTMAS - by the Hollytones Christmas Eve, Happy holidays, tying up loose ends Before going home to my family, my hearth and a few friends. Jumped on the freeway, gee what a mistake I've sat here for hours - how long will this take? (Mom when's Daddy gonna get home?) I'm having gridlock Christmas (gridlock Christmas) With people I don't even know. Though friends and family can't be here, We'll have good old Christmas cheer (gridlock Christmas) And carols on the car radio. Someone's built a bonfire in the fast lane. Folks gatherin' round it's cheery, amber light. Their all stranded just like me, oh how good it is to be Along the freeway singing silent night (Silent Night). I'm having gridlock Christmas (gridlock Christmas) With people I don't even know. Though friends and family can't be here, We'll have good old Christmas cheer (gridlock Christmas) And carols on the car radio. People opening car trunks filled with boxes. Presents bright and shiny from the mall. Exchanging gifts, exchanging names, you know it's kind of strange We're having a dandy Christmas after all (hap - py Christ - mas ) I'm having gridlock Christmas (gridlock Christmas) With people I don't even know. Though friends and family can't be here, We'll have good old Christmas cheer (gridlock Christmas) And carols on the car radio. Said: That semi over there is filled with groceries. That flatbed's loaded down with Christmas trees. And our motor home has an oven for the turkey. (everyone:) We've got everything we need. You all know the words now, so I want everyone to sing along. I'm having gridlock Christmas (that's very good) with people I don't even know (you over there on the Etsel - sing out) Though friends and family can't be here, we'll have good old Christmas cheer (oh yes I love it) And carols (sing) on the car radio. And carols on the car radio (grid - lock Christ - mas ). == -by Heywood Banks Hey kids gather 'round. Heywood's gotta little song for ya here! Oh. I just got a message from 'ol Saint Nick way up in Christmas land, and he says the toys for good girls and boys are being made as planned. There's a truck for little Billy, and a dolly for Molly, dear, but you ain't getiin' diddly-squat 'caus you really messed up this year! Oh, the winter fields are white with snow and the lights are shining bright, And the wee little heads tucked up in bed dream of sugar plums this night. You may DREAM of big red apples and candy canes so near, But you ain't gettin' diddly-squat 'cause you really messed up this year!! When your mother asked you to wash the dishes, Why you said, 'No, no, no!' And you would not pick up your socks, So it's 'Que sera,' horseface! Ho ho hoooooooo! Oh, you know that Santa's watching you and he keeps a great big list, But when I tell him the things you've done, he REALLY will be... mad! When you sit upon his knee, he'll knock you on your ear! 'Cause YOU AIN'T GETTIN' DIDDLY-SQUAT 'CUASE YOU REALLY MESSED UP THIS YEAR!!! No, you ain't gett-in' didle-ly squaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....t, 'Cause you really messed up, Oh, you really messed up, Yeah, you really messed up this year!!!!! == I WANT EDDIE FISHER FOR CHRISTMAS Lyrics and Music by Joan Javitz and Phil Springer recorded by Betty Johnson, conducted by Jimmy Leyden New-Disc 10013 (78RPM) Published by Joy Music (ASCAP) (backed with "Show Me" - not novelty) (Tune: I'll Be Home For Christmas?) I want Eddie Fisher for Christmas. Santa that's the gift I'm dreaming of. I want him here rehearsing To sing to me in person, Anytime - Many times - all the songs I love. Wouldn't it be heaven to find him, Standing there beside my christmas tree. I want Eddie Fisher for Christmas, and I with that Eddie Fisher wanted me. (spoken) Dear Santa, I know I'm still in my green years, But you're my freind Santa. I wish you were here right now with Eddie Fisher walking behind you. Believe me, if I ever needed a Christmas present; I need it now. (sung) Wouldn't it be heaven to find him, Standing there beside my christmas tree. I want Eddie Fisher for Christmas, and I with that Eddie Fisher wanted me. == (Tune: The Twelve Days Of Christmas) On the first day of Christmas My true love gave to me: A fever of a hundred and three. On the second day of Christmas My true love gave to me: Loud hacking cough, And a fever of a hundred and three. [...] On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me: Middle ear infection, Chronic laryngitis, Bronchial congestion, Throbbing sinus headache, Seven hours sneezing, Sick queasy stomach, POST NASAL DRIP! Red runny nose, Aches and pains, Loud hacking cough, And a fever of a hundred and three. == FIFTEEN DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, RUGBY VERSION (Tune: The Twelve Days Of Christmas) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A foreskin full of VD / my Lord Montague of Beaulieu [pronounced Bewley] On the 2 d o C m t l g t m: Two Boy Scouts... On the 3... Three shit-house doors... On the 4... Four French whores... Five choir boys... Six convicted vicars... Seven sex-starved spinsters... Eight aching arseholes... Nine naked nannies... Ten tattered titties... Eleven lusty lads... Twelve twitching twats... Thirteen thrutching thighs... Fourteen fucking phalli... Fifteen filthy fellows [=rugby team] == THE NINE DAZE OF CHRISTMAS (Tune: The Twelve Days Of Christmas) On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, A dime bag of Panama Red ... On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 hits of acid ... On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 snorts of coke ... On the forth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 pink pills ... On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 pounds of HASHISH! On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 joints a smoking ... On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 cubes of crack... On the eight day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 healthy roaches ... On the ninth day, everybody OD'd and they were all rushed to St. John general hospital where they were given - 9 wiffs of nitro, and 9 bottles of Vallium. Then everybody OD's on Vallium and they all die horribly ... == THE TWELVE LEVELS OF ROGUE - by D M Goldstein, 1988 (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) On the first level of Rogue I killed a Dwarf, a bat, and a Kobold who almost killed me! On the 2nd level of Rogue I found a Shimmering Pool! I dipped my Broad Sword, 'cause a Kobold had nearly killed me! On the 3rd level of Rogue I read a Scroll of Sleep. I slept for three turns with my plus-two Broad Sword 'cause a Kobold had nearly killed me! On the 4th level of Rogue I found a Staff of Wood. Four shots of Drain Life! Sleeping for three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword, and a Kobold who almost killed me! On the 5th level of Rogue I got really lucky: Five Magic Rings! Four shots of Drain Life, Sleep three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword, and a Kobold who almost killed me! On the 6th level of Rogue a Shrieker called to me Six elves with Cross-Bows! Five Magic Rings! Four shots of Drain Life, sleep three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword, and a Kobold who almost killed me! On the 7th level of Rogue I killed a Troglodyte; Seven Excellent Hits! Six elves with Cross-Bows, Five Magic Rings! ... On the 8th level of Rogue I found a Magic Room with Eight Monsters Waiting! Seven Excellent hits, ... On the 9th level of Rogue a Rust Monster found me, brought my armor to Nine! Eight Monsters Waiting, ... On the 10th level of Rogue I quaffed a red potion, Experience Level Ten! Level Nine armor, ... On the 11th level of Rogue I took Inventory: Eleven Rations of Food, Experience Level Ten, ... On the 12th level of Rogue I fell into a Trap: Got Killed on level Thirty with Eleven rations of food, ... == THE TWELVE COMPUTERIZED DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) On the first day of Christmas, my computer gave to me A glitch on the video screen. On the second day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Two keyboard bounces, and a glitch on the video screen. On the third day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. ... On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me Twelve blown-out circuits, Eleven damaged diskettes, Ten disk-drive lockouts, nine burnt-out fuses Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVE'S Three loose plugs, Two key bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. == (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) /* AN ELECTRONIC CHRISTMAS/CHANUKAH CARD TO ALL Lyrics: Evan Leibovitch <evan@telly.on.ca> Code: Beverly Erlebacher <erlebach@cs.toronto.edu> Written: December 1989 This code is in the public domain. */ #include <stdio.h> #define DEFAULT_HOLIDAY "CHRISTMAS/CHANUKAH" #define DAYS_OF_NEGLECT 12 char heading[] = "AN ELECTRONIC %s CARD TO ALL\n\n\ Lyrics: Evan Leibovitch <evan@telly.on.ca>\n\ Code: Beverly Erlebacher <erlebach@cs.toronto.edu>\n\n\ Dedicated to Dave Mason, Chris Siebenmann, and anyone who's left\n\ their computers alone just long enough for them to self-destruct:\n\n\ (Sung to the tune of something or other...)\n\n"; char * cardinal[] = {"And a", "Two", "Three", "Four", "Five", "Six", "Seven", "Eight", "Nine", "Ten", "Eleven", "Twelve"}; char * ordinal[] = {"first", "second", "third", "fourth", "fifth", "sixth", "seventh", "eighth", "ninth", "tenth", "eleventh", "twelfth", "thirteenth"}; char * item[] = { "burnt-out V.D.T.", "faulty tapes;", "heads crashed;", "bad blocks;", "core dumps;", "bad controllers; ", "blown partitions;", "gettys dying;", "floppies frying;", "ports a-jamming;", "chips a-smoking;", "boards a-blowing;" }; char daystr[] = "\nOn the %s day I left it, my Unix gave to me:\n"; char finale[] = "\nOn the %s day I started adapting my Nintendo for the VME bus.\n"; main(argc, argv) int argc; char *argv[]; { int i, j; printf(heading, argc > 1 ? argv[1] : DEFAULT_HOLIDAY); for (i = 0; i < DAYS_OF_NEGLECT; i++) { printf(daystr, ordinal[i]); if (i == 0) printf("\tA %s\n", item[i]); else for (j = i; j >= 0; j--) printf("\t%s %s\n", cardinal[j], item[j]); } printf(finale, ordinal[DAYS_OF_NEGLECT]); exit(0); } == THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS - Author Unknown (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. [...] For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. == (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) /* here is the same 12-days of Xmas, in a little more compact form. Merry Christmas... Arlin */ #include <stdio.h> int xmas(daze) int daze; { static char *dayth[]={"first","second","third","fourth","fifth","sixth", "seventh","eighth","ninth","tenth","eleventh","twelfth"}; if (daze>1) xmas(daze-1); printf("\n\nFor the %s bug of Christmas, ",dayth[daze-1]); printf("my manager said to me\n"); switch (daze) { case 12: printf(" Tell them it's a feature\n"); case 11: printf(" Say it's not supported\n"); case 10: printf(" Change the documentation\n"); case 9: printf(" Blame it on the hardware\n"); case 8: printf(" Find a way around it\n"); case 7: printf(" Say they need an upgrade\n"); case 6: printf(" Reinstall the software\n"); case 5: printf(" Ask for a dump\n"); case 4: printf(" Run with the debugger\n"); case 3: printf(" Try to reproduce it\n"); case 2: printf(" Ask them how they did it and\n"); case 1: printf(" See if they can do it again.\n"); }; return; } main() { xmas(12); } /* ********************** */ == THE PROGRAMMER'S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) On the first day of Christmas My true love gave to me A cartridge in a P.C. On the second day of Christmas My true love gave to me Two paper tapes And a cartridge in a P.C. . . . . . . . . . On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me Twelve plotters plotting, Eleven printers grinding, Ten punches jamming, Nine nixies blinking, Eight drums a-spinning, Seven screens a-scrolling, Six mice a-clicking, Five write rings, Four coding sheets, Three punch cards, Two paper tapes, And a cartridge in a P.C. == IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD CHRISTMAS (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A knife with a very sharp blade. On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Two hand grenades, And a knife with a very sharp blade. [...] On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Eleven tons of nerve gas, Ten nuclear submarines, Nine cans of mace, Eight bayonets, Seven electric cattle prods, Six Molotov cocktails, Five stick of dy-no-miiiiite, Four Tommy guns, Three M-16's, Two hand grenades, And a knife with a very sharp blade. ON THE 12TH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: TWELVE NUCLEAR HOLOCASTS... (large explosion) == (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love gave to me... (A) 12-Pack of Bud 11 Rasslin' Tickets (A) TIN (of) Copenhagen 9 Years Probation 8 Table Dancers 7 Packs of Redman 6 Cans of Spam 5 Flannel shirts 4 Mud grip tires 3 Shotgun shells 2 Huntin' dogs And some parts to a Mustang GT. == THE TWELVE GIFTS OF CHRISTMAS - By Alan Shepard (Tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A Japanese transistor radio. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. (It's a Nakashuma.) On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. (It's the Mark IV model. That's the one that's discontinued.) On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A simulated alligator wallet, A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. (And it comes in a leatherette case with holes in it, so you can listen right through the case.) On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be, A simulated alligator wallet, A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. (And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you can stick in your ear, and a thing on the other end that you can't stick anywhere, because it's bent.) On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A hammered aluminum nutcracker, And all that other stuff, And a Japanese transistor radio. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it, And all that other stuff, And a Japanese transistor radio. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me An indoor plastic birdbath, And all that other stuff, And a Japanese transistor radio. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A pair of teakwood shower clogs, And a Japanese transistor radio. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter, And a Japanese transistor radio. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television, but not when you get it home, And a Japanese transistor radio. On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange, On the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television, but not when you get it home, A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter, A pair of teakwood shower clogs, An indoor plastic birdbath, A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it, A hammered aluminum nutcracker, A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be, A simulated alligator wallet, A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. == THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS The first day after Christmas My true love and I had a fight And so I chopped the pear tree down And burned it just for spite And with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, My true love gave to me The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves And very gently wrung the necks Of both the turtle doves The third day after Christmas My mother came down with the croup I had to use the three French hens To make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene The five gold rings were completely fake And they turned my fingers green The sixth day after Christmas The six laying geese wouldn't lay I gave the whole darned gaggle to The ASPCA The seventh day what a mess I found All seven of the swimming swans had drowned My true love, my true love, My true love gave to me The eight day after Christmas Before they could suspect I bundled up the eight maids a milking nine ladies dancing ten lords a leaping 'leven pipers piping twelve drummers drumming [spoken in a sexy alto voice:] (Well, actually, I kept one of the drummers.) And sent them back collect I told my true love We are through love And I said in so many words Furthermore your gifts are for the \Bii four calling birds \iirrr three French hens \rrdd two turtle doves \ds and a partridge in a pear tree. == THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS - by Jeannie West (12/22/92) On the first day after Christmas, My true love and I had a fight So I chopped the pear tree down And shot the partridge just for spite. On the second day after Christmas, I put on a pair of old gloves, And gently wrung the necks Of both those stupid turtle doves. On the third day after Christmas, My dear old mother got the croup. So I took those 3 French hens, And made her some chicken soup. The 4 calling birds were a mistake, Their language was terribly obscene; Of course the 5 golden rings were fake: They turned my fingers Greeeeeeen. On the sixth day after Christmas, Extremely cold weather came around So I killed those 6 noisy geese and made a jacket filled with down. On the seventh day after Christmas, I shot those 7 swans a swimming I had to do it donUt you see they was chasing all the women. On the eighth day after Christmas, I had milk up to my eyes and if that wasnUt bad enough I had cow shit up to my thighs. On the ninth day after Christmas, I took a hammer to those pipes youUd have thought I killed the Pope if you heard those pipers gripe. On the tenth day after Christmas, IUd learned every dance there is to know so without a single guilty thought I threw those dancing ladies out in the snow. But there is one thing I will admit about those 11 Lords a leaping and 12 drummers drumming IUm not crazy, those IUm keeping! == KILL A TREE FOR CHRIST - by Celtic Elvis Kill a tree for Christ, it's such a festive sacrifice. Wrench it from the ground in the name of the tradition. Throw it in the trunk and tie it down with cords of BUNGEE. You'll need the needles every year cause you're a Christmas junkie. I said chop that puppy, throw it on a stand. Smother it with tinsel, gotta understand. I said saw that puppy for the Holy Man. Come New Year's Day, just throw it in the can. (What you say?) Throw it in the can. The Aztecs killed their lambs, the Mayans killed their precious VIRGINS. The Muslims don't like cameras, it's really just superstition. So kill a tree for Christ. It's such a festive sacrifice. We'll celebrate with sugarplums for all the stumps in Christendom. == I FOUND THE BRAINS OF SANTA CLAUS - by Jason and the StrapTones I found the brains of Santa Claus underneath my bed. They were in a pickle jar - I wonder if he's dead. Oh, they smelled like dried up tuna, and looked more grey than red. Oh, I found the brains of Santa Claus; I'll bet you that he's dead. Yes he still may have a jelly belly and a big white bushy beard. But without that grey stuff in his head, he would act kind of wierd. I found the brains of Santa Claus, his wife may want them back. I'd send them to her COD, the zip code's all I lack. They really aren't much use to me 'cept serve them as a snack. Oh, I found the brains of Santa Claus it's strange but it's a fact. Yes he still may have a jelly belly and a big white bushy beard. But without that grey stuff in his head, he would act kind of wierd. I found the brains of Santa Claus underneath my bed. They were in a pickle jar - I wonder if he's dead. Oh, they smelled like dried up tuna, and looked more grey than red. Oh, I found the brains of Santa Claus; I'll hope he isn't dead. == SEE THE TANK FARMS ALL ABOUT - BY the NJ Editorial Minstrel [(c) copyright 1991] (Tune: Good King Wenceslas) See the tank farms all about the coast line of New Jersey. Watch them move that crude about in so great a hurry. See big tankers sail about, in New Jersey waters. Vessel traffic all about. Should we be more worried? Hear the horn blast what a sound. What could be the matter? See the tanker run aground. See it's hull just shatter. Contents oozing all about! So much toxic matter. Arthur Kill is closed tonight. Clean up crews now ga-ather. Hope this mess will not ignight. Where's that navigator? Seems he's run off for the night. Some say he just staggered. Scape goats needed for this plight. Corporate image shattered. But we'll just write this off our tax: cause it's a business matter. == PITCHES REACH A FEVER PITCH The pitches reach a fever pitch at Christmas. I shuffle through my mail with trembling hands. I read it all with shame, how do they get my name? How can I ever answer each demand? The pitches reach a fever pitch at Christmas. Those paper fingers clutching at my feet. They make their case so slickly, I should make a donation quickly And I'll find that if I give I'll soon receive another letter, Asking me for more. Celebrities are writing me in person. It Ts strange the letters sound so much the same. This makes it extra tough, no check is big enough When somebody like (?)Molton gives his name. Now underlining really gets my back up. It makes me think they feel I cannot read. I try to take it with a smile, it's the fundraiser style. It has nothing to do with the ones who are in need. Beneath the moon of winter time, The homeless cry, oh life's a crime. We feel despair, we feel such pain We can't afford to mount another direct mail campaign. With governments and corporations cutting back on their donations, You and I will have to pay ?????????? of guilt each day. The pitches reach a fever pitch at Christmas, So Santa Claus can bring you your receipt. You'll try to save a lot, ?????????? Or engineer a government's defeat. They know our hearts are softened up at Christmas. So that's the time to mount the big attack. As the fundraisers foretold, We're glad our names ??????? to correspondents who always answer back. Spoken: Dear Nancy, Thank you for your generous reply to our recent appeal. It was courageous of you to send so much less than the minimum suggested donation. So few have the nerve. With your ten big dollars we were able to buy enough stamps to write to 27 more people. Indeed one of those letters will be going to you, so you can see you have made a good investment. Our organization needs a great deal of support from compassionate people like yourself. We would like you to consider simplifying your life by having a monthly donation deducted directly from your paycheck. Now about your will, you do have a will don't you? After all you may trip over a whino and snap your spinal cord tomorrow and we are sure you wouldn't want your estate confiscated by the government. == GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER - by Patsy & Elmo Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas Eve, You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. She'd been drinking too much eggnog, And we begged her not to go, But she forgot her medication, So she staggered out the door and through the snow. When we found her Christmas morning, At the scene of the attack, There were hoof-prints on her forehead, And incriminating Claus-marks on her back. Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas Eve, You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. Now, we're all so proud of Grandpa, He's been taking this so well, See him in there watching football, Drinking beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel. It's not Christmas without Grandma, All the family's dressed in black, And we just can't help but wonder, Should we open up her gifts or send them back? Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas Eve, You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. Now the goose is on the table, And the pudding made of fig, And the blue and silver candles That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig. I warned all my friends and neighbors, Better watch out for yourselves! They should never give a license To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves. Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas Eve, You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. Sing it, Grandpa! Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas Eve, You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. == GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A JOHN DEERE Grandma got ran over by a John Deere walking down our driveway Christmas eve Grandpa thought he knew what he was doing but, Grandma picked a real bad time to leave. We all tried to warn her, but the tractor was so loud we got up to try and catch her Ah, but much too late, she'd done been plowed. Chorus I've got to hand it to my Grandpa, never once did he lament. He just went and got a lawyer, and a seven million dollar settlement. Chorus etc etc etc... == NEW KIDS GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER New Kids got run over by a reindeer All the little kiddies are in shock No more loud, annoying high falsettos Now there's no more New Kids on the Block They were singing their new hit song "Cover Girls with the Right Stuff" Now they're trophies for a reindeer Mounted on his mantle, hangin tough Many times I was mistaken When I went to see their show Danny, Donny, Joe, Jon, Jordan Or was it Larry, Curly, Shemp, and Moe oh oh oh oh [ a la "The Right Stuff ] New Kids got run over by a reindeer All the little kiddies are in shock No more loud, annoying high falsettos Now there's no more New Kids on the Block Now, the New Kid fans are crying, And they say this really sucks! But don't blame it on the reindeer Cause I'm the one who gave them fifty bucks Life is great without the new kids Now let's deal the final blow Drop our pants and hang our hineys And tell their fans its really mistletoe oh oh oh oh [ again ] New Kids got run over by a reindeer No more little kids for me to mock No more prepubescent high falsettos Now there's no more New Kids on the Block == BIG JIM GOT RUN OVER [revised] - by the NJ Editorial Minstrel [(c) copyright 1991] (Tune: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer) Big Jim got run over by a Mac-Truck Walking home from Trenton Christmas eve People say there's no such thing as Santa But me and my Bronco we believe. He was working on this package Taxing every thing in sight though people wouldn't like his message He just kept right on a' workin' through the night When they found him in the morning It was so hard to believe But there were those gigantic treadmarks and incriminating tax cuts on the street ( chorus ) So we think he's learned a lesson there's apologies to say you just shouldn't dump new taxes on good ol' folks who make their living driving trucks Now were so proud of the senate Yes, all our legislators who... Seem to now believe in voters, and have time to try and un-do what they did. ( last chorus ) Big Jim got run over by a Mac-Truck Walking home from Trenton Christmas eve People say there's no such thing as Santa But me and my Bronco we believe... and those guys with Jimmys they believe.. Even folks in Yugos... they believe! == GRANDMA GOT HUNGOVER BY A RAINIER - Anonymous (Note: Rainier is a Seattle beer named after a mountain.) Grandma got hungover drinkin' Rainier She bought at 7-11 New Year's Eve. You can say there's no such thing as a drunken skipper But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. She'd been drinking too much cold rock and we begged her not to chug. She didn't save any for Grandpa. She didn't even use a mug. When we found her the next morning at the scene of the "attack," she had (something) on her forehead, and Spuds McKenzie standing on her back. Grandma got hungover drinkin' Rainier She bought at 7-11 New Year's Eve. You can say there's no such thing as a drunken skipper But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. We feel sorry for poor, poor Grandpa; He's acting mighty small. Cause he just can't watch his football, Without the beer he loves oh so well. It's not New Year's without ??? But the tv screen is hot. And we just can't help but wonder How she ever drank that whole twelve-pack. Grandma got hungover drinkin' Rainier She bought at 7-11 New Year's Eve. You can say there's no such thing as a drunken skipper But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. He took his keys up off the table And he headed out the door. Grandpa had to have a cold one Instead of listening to Grandma snore. I warned all my friends and neighbors, "Watch your refrigirator shelves. Even though you trust your Grandma, she might decide to drink it all herself." Grandma got hungover drinkin' Rainier She bought at 7-11 New Year's Eve. You can say there's no such thing as a drunken skipper But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. Everyone! Grandma got hungover drinkin' Rainier She bought at 7-11 New Year's Eve. You can say there's no such thing as a drunken skipper But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. == WE THREE STRINGS (Tune: We Three Kings) We three strings with frayed knots are, trying to get served in a bar. We have travelled far and near, looking for ice cold beer. Oh, Oh, bar of wonder, bar of "Lite," won't you please serve us tonight. We have travelled far and near, looking for some ice cold beer. == SILENT STRINGS (Tune: Silent Night) Fra-a-ayed knots, fra-a-ayed knots, all we want, are some cold drinks. Won't you please serve us tonight. If you don't we won't likely fight. But it would be so nice, if you'd serve us drinks tonight. == WHITE STRINGS (Tune: White Christmas) Strings dreaming of a cold drink, just like the ones they used to get. When the bars stayed open all night, and strings got served just right... == JINGLE STRINGS (Tune: Jingle Bells) We are strings, we are strings, even though we're frayed. We are trying, very hard, to get served some drinks today. We are strings, we are strings, even though we're frayed. Won't you please serve us today and we'll be on our way. Hey! == ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth (thweeth) my two front teeth (thweeth) my two front teeth. (thweeth) Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth (thweeth) Then I could wish you Merry Christmas. It seems so long since I could say: "Sister Susie sitting on the front steps." Everytime I try to speak all I do is whistle: ssssssss. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth My two front teeth (thweeth) my two front teeth. Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth (thweeth) Then I could wish you Merry Christmas. == Please send (bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu): -Any other humorous Christmas lyrics. -Attributions or corrections for the above songs. Thanks and Merry Christmas, Bob Seattle, Washington