NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/alt/non/sequitur/883

Internet Message Format | 1992-12-31 | 3.1 KB

Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:883 talk.bizarre:43266
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
Path: sparky!uunet!spool.mu.edu!umn.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!gooley
From: [e-mail] (Mark. Gooley)
Subject: Vernon Equinox and His Incredible Organic Werewolf Deodorant
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,alt.prose.d
Organization: Men Who Lust After Small Brunettes With Gray Eyes
Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1993 02:48:37 GMT
Lines: 43

    "He sculpted his perfect woman out of clay and begged the gods to
give the statue life.  Nothing happened.  A kindly rabbi made a golem of
it, but all it wanted to do was hang around the local synagogue as a
sort of decorative security guard, and due to troubles with OSHA, the
IRS, the INS, and various other alphabet-soup agencies, the golem had to
be deactivated.  He re-sculpted its clay into a giant statue of a marmot,
moistening it with his tears as he worked.  He had the marmot cast in
bronze and sold it to a marmot-fetishist in Hawaii for a hundredweight
of macadamia nuts and a mile of macadam road.
    "A man calling himself Ronco asked him and the rabbi to create a
line of Chia Golems, but both of them adamantly refused; wielding bits
of adamantine rock and dinner roll, they chased him into the outer darkness,
where there is whaling and gnashing of gnashes and Ogdegn Gnash.  They
sat by a console and the rabbi tried to console him with Talmudic wisdom
and kosher Cabernet Sauvignon, but it was no use.  Within hours he had
put his studio into his satchel and disappeared.  A few months later the
rabbi received a package without a return address; inside was a magnificent
bronze menorah.
    "The sculptor had unpacked his studio in a small town underneath
the Gulf of Mexico, where he learned to breathe water and devised a clay
that could be sculpted undersea.  Friendly sharks taught him the craft
of running an undersea foundry and the sport of biting off people's legs.
Magnificent sculptures of strange patina began to appear mysteriously
at discount stores near Biloxi and Mobile."
    My little niece was sound asleep before I finished the first
paragraph, but out of sheer vanity I proceeded this far with the story.
Then I got two five-gallon plastic buckets from the dungeon, brought
them up to her room, and pulled back the blanket and bedsheet from her
delicate feet.  Gently I unstoppered her, wiggling off her left great
toe, and drained the Little Girl Fluid from her into the buckets, gently
pressing the last of it out of her smooth, girlish skin.  I folded her
skin carefully, and hefted it -- well under two pounds: certainly I
would get the lowest rate from the express service.
    I addressed a Tyvek (tm) mailer-bag to my brother, the girl's
father, and, kissing the sweet little flattened face, picked up her
folded skin and gently fitted it into the envelope.  He would get it
tomorrow afternoon, and, knowing his forgetful nature, I suspected that
he would have to drive down to the corner Green Rooster Pandery and
buy ten gallons of Little Girl Fluid, in ten overpriced gallon bottles
of an inferior brand, so that he could refill her promptly.

Mark.
[e-mail]