NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/alt/non/sequitur/870

Internet Message Format | 1992-12-29 | 1.8 KB

Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:870 talk.bizarre:43078
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
Path: sparky!uunet!spool.mu.edu!umn.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!gooley
From: [e-mail] (Mark. Gooley)
Subject: folksongs run amuck with dull bits of eggshell and alienation
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.gooley,alt.fan.matt.welsh,alt.pets.chia,alt.spleen
Organization: The Gorilla-Shaped Cookie Trust, GmbH
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1992 17:02:23 GMT
Lines: 21

    Cow-tipping should be done at a rate of 15%, 20% if the cow has
provided especially good service (e.g. her own fresh milk in the tea,
infected with pathogens).  Do not ask Italian car-rental agents if they
would rather be amphibians.  It is considered gauche to impale World Cup
skiers on ski Poles named Kowalski.  Some British housewives are men in
drag.  Lock your windows at night and remember the Alamo.
    My book of such suggestions was a best-seller, and on the proceeds
I retired to a small town in Montana.  Loneliness and concern about the
mysterious diseases afflicting local sheep and women drove me to Havre and
to purchase a mail-order bride from Mexico.  Unfortunately she was a Chia
Bride, and I sent her (it?) back with a nasty note.  When the refund came,
I ordered a mail-order bride from Guatemala.  She spoke with a powerful
American accent and knew neither Spanish nor Central American tongues, and
under her glued-on rubber face and coarse (it made obscene jokes and gestures)
black wig she was a woman who had been infatuated with me when she and I were
both in highschool.  I sued the the mail-order bride company and won hundreds
of Austrian schillings in punitive damages, even though the woman became my
cook and eventually (after years of plastic surgery) my pet ocelot.

Mark., burned out
[e-mail]