NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/alt/callahan/15937

Internet Message Format | 1992-12-30 | 9.4 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!pipex!demon!cix.compulink.co.uk!cliveg
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: [e-mail] (Clive Grace)
Subject: Re: Definition of "monogamy"?
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 14:02:00 +0000
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 147

In-Reply-To: <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Mary Branscombe)

The door opens gently and a nose snuffles through the crack made in
the door. First a whisker pops through and then a snout -- it is now
that anyone that has bothered to look in the direction of the door
realises that Clive -- the ex-partner of Mary  -- is considering
walking into the room.

"Oh hang it", he mutters to himself and gently walks through. He's a
reddish human sized fox (vulpiform), on hind feet, bushy tail -- he
wears a grey trenchcoat and a brown satchel is strapped around his
shoulder -- (don't ask what's in the satchel), his boots are dirty,
he hasn't groomed himself in nearly eight *weeks* (and for a
vulpiform that's a serious ommission), but he still looks cute. He's
a bit tired and road weary, but there's a hint of a smile around his
jowels. The warmth of the room, the happy (and sometimes not so
happy) sounds of chatter and clinking and crashing of glasses sounds
like a place to be and to rest his wearly head, preferably just above
a jug of tequila, salted rim, no ice, no cherry -- just the way
vulpiforms like their tequila).
    He looks over at Mary and Ignatz holding hands in some dark corner and smiles a b
it more, it's a real smile. Not one borne out of pain o
 out of being 'strong' or 'macho'. Goodness knows how many times he's tried being lik
e other 'model' men, strong, unemotional, unfeeling. Th
t's in the past now. He *is* emotional (and proud of it), he *is*
feeling and caring and sensitive, he speaks his mind, he has a light
in his brown eyes that is beginning to get brighter. He learned how
to let go of things he no longer needs or wants months ago. He sees
Kateri and his heart flutters, he fights the urge to go over to her
side of the bar and say "hello" -- time of that later. He needs to do
this alone.
    "I'll have a Tequila please Mike. Salted rim, no ice, no cherry and... and that'l
l be my 'usual' from now on. The name's Tanais by the w
y" He said looking around the room again, this time from the
proximity of the bar, the blue light casting an eerie glow off of his
reddish mane "...and yes, it *is* one of the rivers that flows past
Troy. Someone in my family was a military strategist and had a sense
of humour..." at this he flashes his white but sharp and delicate
teeth.
    Tanais sits at a stool designed (more or less) for his anatomy and looks into the
 jug.
    "Non monogamy huh? That's an interesting discussuion, and of course everything Ma
ry says is right. It's up to the *individual*, but when
you're *not* an individual -- when you've, for whatever reason,
swallowed your thoughts and beleifs -- your identity in the other
half, then you don't think of behave like an individual, you behave
like a compromise.
   "Take, for example my particular beliefs. I'm Bisexual. That means I'm sexually an
d emotionally compatible with both men and women. I'm a
so attracted to other species. Mind you, I'm not attracted to *all*
men and women. I'm *very* selective about whom I sleep with or even
whom I let touch me (please offer a hug before giving them -- even
virtual ones), but something happened in my life that made me realise
that I didn't have a life -- that I was searching for happiness
through someone else's experiences. I didn't voice my opinions and
thoughts... thoughts that were incompatible with our then
relationship because I was too afraid of the consequences of 'letting
go' of the comfort and security of that relationship.
    "Two things happened in my life -- roughly about the same time. Firstly, I found
a councellor, someone to whom I could release this stuf
 that was forcefully bottled up inside me. Secondly I met a girl in the northlands of
 the island where I live; she is... beautiful. She show
d me that I could have a relationship without 'grabbing', without the
frightening feeling of joining with someone and losing one's
identity. Don't get me wrong, I know that a healthy relationship is
based to trust and sharing and not submerging one's 'self' in the
other, but that was over eight years ago, it was my first ever major
relationship. I learned a lot, but I paid a price as well.
    "The story is a long one, and I only have my fifteen minutes of fame, so I won't
bore you with the details but I was abused and raped be
ween the ages of six and ten, I dealt with it as only a kid could --
I bottled it up and kept it a secret. That manifested itself in
strange behaviours in later life and now the whole story has been
released I... I guess I don't want secrets any more. *but I don't
want sympathy*", Tanais growled into his jug as he took another gulp.
"I just want to be listened and... and to be *believed*. The times I
tried telling people as a kid and they didn't believe me because I
botched the telling of the story... but that's all in the past now,
that's for other people to hear.
    "One thing led to the other -- Mary saw a stranger developing in front of her and
 she didn't know how to deal with it or in ways to help
me. I pushed her away so many times because I wasn't sure what I was
turning into.
    "I was told that I would be a horrible monster if I told anyone, that if anyone f
ound out, my family would disown me." Tanais started to
laugh bitterly into his jug, now drained of half it's contents.
"Well, I disowned them long ago, in quiet, subtle ways, but I
disowned them for sure. I'm now a stranger in their eyes when I walk
through the door or speak to them over a comm-link"
    Tanais took off his trench coat -- resting it on the floor in front of him and ge
ntly placed the satchel on top of the pile. "Now I've s
arted to become more like what I really want to be, who I really am.
I think I'm a nice person... but I'm stranger nonetheless -- even to
myself in many ways.     "I went away. I needed to grow, to re-learn
who or what I was. I learned about feelings, about sex without guilt,
I also learned a bit more about love and then I realised I had so
much love in me that it could swamp one person, it nearly did swamp
the girl from the northlands until she said just that, 'I'm being
swamped', so I pulled back, confused and worried that it was
something to do with the abuse. Then I met another girl (again in the
northlands) I was open and honest about my feelings for her and
eventually we *all* became lovers -- but not for long. The second
girl wanted more from her career so she and I drifted apart. Whilst
taking nearly two months off of work, I tried to take my life by an
overdose of quite powerful neuro-drugs (50 tablets of Carbamazepine).
I pulled myself back from the brink without anyone else's help and,
apart from a recent attempt, I realised just prior to opening the
saloon door that I *wanted* to live more than I wanted to die. My
suicide fantasies are over and behind me... for the forseeable future
which, admittedly, is only about a day or so.
    "Apart from a brief (but incredibly enjoyable and passionate) encounter recently
with someone across the waters, and with whom I'm proud
to call my friend, I've distanced myself from the north. I want...
no, I *need* to develop friendships. I need friends, I enjoy sex with
friends and lovers and I've now learned how not to grab or to not
feel jealous... But I still need to learn about being held in the
arms of someone without feeling they're going to rape me,
Occasionally I worry that I sometimes have sex in order to say "hey,
I'm a nice fox aren't I?", and often I trash that idea because I
don't enter into these things for purely selfish reasons, I'm also
concerned about the other partner's happiness when we make love or
have sex.
    "That is my story, it's not got much to do with Monogamy or Polyamoury I know. I
guess I'm 'spreading my wings' at the moment. I'm being
safe. I've been tested (and found negative) for HIV and other nasties
and I practice safer sex with whoever/whatever I sleep with. I don't
know if what Mary says is completely true. I don't know If I *am*
polyamorous. I do know that I don't want a relationship like I had
before -- but that may all change. I may find a nice fox or vixen
that will want me with no-one else invloved and I will feel the same
for them. If that happens then I will consider it. Perhaps serial
monogamy may work. I dunno.
    "One thing's for sure. I'm here now. It's taken three years to join you. but I'm
here. And... and I have a life."
    At this, Tanais finishes his jug of Tequila (don't worry, the adult vulpiform met
abolism can handle at least three of these suckers befo
e even 'feeling' drunk). He lifts it in the direction of Mary and
Ignatz and says "to love", he makes a wide arc around the bar "...and
to friendships" and hurls the jug into the fireplace.
--
+-------------------------------------------+--------------------------+
| When I grow up, I want to give up being   |[e-mail]|
| a Journalist and learn how to write...    |                          |
+-------------------------------------------+--------------------------+
|       Bisexual knitter of quality and distinction since 1992.        |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+