NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/talk/bizarre/38780

Text File | 1992-11-19 | 11.2 KB | 177 lines

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Path: sparky!uunet!mnemosyne.cs.du.edu!nyx!pfinerty
From: [e-mail] (big daddy hate box)
Subject: a lovely story about my train ride, it's long so hit 'n' now
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail] (netnews admin account)
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 23:52:31 GMT
Lines: 166

a short while ago i wrote a little story about my lovely experience
at a scientific conference.  of course, it filled me with much angst
as i wondered how i might find the opportunity to both meet and
hang out with a particularly attractive new grad. student.  i managed
to meet her at the meeting but i have not seen her since.  this is, as i
am sure you could imagine, quite upsetting.  it would be difficult to
talk with her since i would basically have to go to the lab where she
is working and, in front of people who know who i am, strike up a
conversation out of the blue.  somehow i can just see her response.
it would probably be a look of confusion as she strove to figure out
who the hell i am.  woe is me.
    enough pitiful talk.  i also have not made any attempt to meet
this other woman at a coffee shop ( a person who i met at a party).  i
am just a giant loser. enough already!
    what i am really writing this shit for is to tell you all about
my wonderful train trip and its origins.  whilst i was attending the
conference there was a poster session during which much beer is
around and scientists display posters which show their work.  it is a
good time to see what your fellow grad students are doing or to just
drink.  i prefer to drink.  in any event, my friend tim and i were
hanging out drinking and b.s.ing about stuff when dan, another guy i
know walks by us.  at this point tim asks dan when we are going to
go for a train ride.  dan rode trains for about a year.  dan says, well,
how about this weekend.  tim says ok and i say i'll think about it.  i
was sort of freaked out about this at first.  the next day i decided i
had no reason to stay in town so i was going to go for it. yeah.  after
i decide to go i talk to dan a bit about what i should bring and all
that stuff.  he says all the usual stuff, but to not wear any bright
clothing because we want to keep a low profile.  ok, i say.  i should
point out that i do not wear bright clothing.  the brightest clothing i
wear are white t-shirts.  almost everything is dark colored.  shades
of dark blue, green, gray, etc.  the week passes and on friday we all
take off from the university to go buy some gin and tonic water for
the trip.  i cannot be expected to go on a train ride without gin.  you
must be out of your mind if you think so.  we also buy sandwiches,
some trail mix, and some water.  i also cannot be expected to
completely dehydrate myself.  so we go to the train yard near
downtown salt lake city.  we drive around a bit looking for a train
that looks like it will be a good ride and that will be leaving soon.
we do not find one and so dan has to go into the "herder shack".  this
is where they have a computer system with the train schedules and
where the engineer and brakemen hang out.  they do not have
conductors anymore since trains don't have cabooses now.  (except in
oregon where it's required by law)  we do not get to see this part.  i
guess all dan does is walk in and ask when a train is going to a
particular location and what the number on the lead engine is.  the
weird thing is, they tell him.  one guy wanted to know if dan worked
there but when dan said no he didn't care.  very cool.  the engineers
and brakemen are not against people riding the trains, only the
railroad cops are and we didn't see any of those.  cool. so we find out
about a train and we have to wait for an hour or so until it shows up.
we drink some beers though so it's ok.  eventually the train shows up
and we wait until they finish checking it over to make sure it is in
good shape (like the air line for the brakes is good and nothing is
wrong with the wheels or brake pads).  when they finish this dan
puts on a hat and some gloves so he looks just like a workman in the
yard and goes to check out a prime spot for us to ride in.  he comes
back in a bit after scoping things out.  we grab our stuff and head to
the train walking very calmly.  remember, we have to keep a low
profile.  we eventually find an empty box car that has both doors
unlocked.  we open the door on the side away from the people
checking out the train and toss in all of our crap.  dan points out the
proper way to get on the train.  after we are in the rather dusty box
car dan makes a wonderful pronouncement. it is, "safety is priority
one."  this of course, sticks in my mind as something quite wise.  so,
then we just hang out and wait for the train to get going.  while we
are hanging out this hobo walks by and dan talks to him for about a
half a second before telling the other memorable quote. it is, "i think
we've got a full load here."  there are three people in a box car that
is about 18 yards long and 2.5 yards wide.  however, dan was quick
to point out that the car right next to ours was empty and that the
door was open.  the hobo got in it.  later in the trip, while the train
was stopped, this guy yelled at us really loud. he yells, "hey guys!
hey guys!  do you guys want to smoke some pot!  hey!  dan answers
him, no thanks. then the guy wants to know if we do smoke pot.  dan
answers yes, now and then.  the crazy thing is that this guy was
yelling all this stuff while we were stopped in another train yard.
what a loser. the thing is, we did get high later and dan made another
wonderful statement. it was, "aint no better place than a freight
train to get stoned!" tim and i immediately agreed.  in any event, the
train took off again and then stopped about an hour later.  at this
point the hobo got off and went to another part of the train.  we
checked out his box car and it was empty except for his beer cans
and blanket he left.  the other door was sealed with this strip of
aluminum which we broke.  we got both doors opened and now had a
nice clean box car.  yee haw.  we eventually made it to our
destination, but twelve hours later.  fortunately, we were sedated
with gin and other stuff which will remain unnamed so we just slept
in our sleeping bags.  at least i slept, the other two seemed to have a
harder time than i.  an empty box car does not weigh so much. this is
a real problem when you go over rough tracks. the car shimmies and
shakes like a mofo. i mean you wouldn't need a shaker to make a good
martini on this damned train. we were being shook so hard it
physically hurt. we would probably move about two inches each way
about four to five times per second. i could feel the contents of my
stomach shaking inside. if i was not sedated (like i was) i would
have lost everything i had eaten.
    we finally made it to green river though. it only took twelve
hours. hey, that's only eight more hours than it takes by car! wow. we
had been on what is known as a shit train. ultra low priority piece of
crap go nowhere fast train.  we walked off the yard and found a
drainage ditch. it was pretty flat and clean at the bottom and when
we stood up you could just see the tops of our heads, a nice low
profile place. dan looks around and says, "looks like home." tim
thought he was joking and wanted to look for something better. i
really didn't care. i just wanted to crash. kinda like right now
actually. we ended up crashing there and i slept just great. i was
warm the whole time. tim and dan didn't sleep as well again. i guess
this is one of the benefits of growing up in a large loud family. in
the morning tim asked if i had been sniffing his ear. i laughed and
said what! it seems some animal had come down and was sniffing
around our little camp site. i wouldn't have heard it anyway since i
had my whole head stuck in the bag.
    we packed up and then went to this total dive next to the yard
and had breakfast. it was good, especially since i was starving to
death. after we ate dan needed to go talk to the people in the herder
shack at this yard so we could get a train back, preferably one that
got back to salt lake by evening. we hung out on the side of the yard
looking all too conspicuous. this time someone showed dan how to
work the computer to find out the schedule and if a train has entered
the yard or not. way cool. just when we saw dan walking back off in
the distance a cop car drives by tim and i slowly. we just acted
normal and he went on. that was not to be the end of it though. we
decided to go check out the river and on our way we were tailed by
the cop. he stopped and came over to talk to us. it was funny because
i'm sure he thought we were losers who had just jumped off a train.
he asked us if we had just jumped off a train too. dan did most of the
talking. we said we were just hitch hiking around and were on our
way back to salt lake. it wasn't a total lie. we hadn't just jumped off
a train, we had just woke up in a ditch. heh. he asked for our licenses
and went to see if we were hard-core criminal types. sorry, guess
again. eventually we went on our way to the river but not until he
said we could expect more of this if we stayed in town because "we
aint got nothin' better to do" . swell. the river had what appeared to
be human feces all over the banks. we left and went to a bar where
we drank fifty cent pints of bud and played pool. we got pretty
buzzed before we left for the yard. we had no more trouble after that
one incident with the cop which was nice. all we had to do was to
wait for our train to come in. we were looking for a presidential
express. these are high priority trains and just don't stop and go
fast. it finally showed. we had whiled away the time sporadically
urinating cheap beer and throwing pieces of sand stone at a sign.
none of were very good shots. presidential express' consist of piggy
backs. these are large freight containers for ships and/or trucks on a
sort of flat bed. only the bed is not flat, it is sunk down so you can
stack a container on top of another. dan says this was a major
breakthrough in train transport. we got on. there was plenty of space
and we could lay down with our legs outstretched. the only drawback
was that we were outside. another train had pulled in just when our
train was leaving. we saw a couple of hobos jump off the other. as
our train left we passed this one guy who was losing more blood
from his head than i have ever seen before. it was dripping off his
bangs and into his face. it was really weird. i don't think it's
something i'll ever forget. i think he was probably drunk as shit and
tried to jump off the train while it was moving. even though it was
going about five MPH he probably landed head first on the rocks. very
unpleasant indeed.
    well, as you can surmise we made it back to salt lake all right.
the ride back was very cold but only took about five hours. we kept
up with the freeway traffic most of the time so we were probably
going about sixty MPH or more. next summer i want to go to
california this way. we'll see...

--
            PJF--->Biochem. grad student
                  PUBLIC ENEMY #1