NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/no/vitser/140

Text File | 1992-11-19 | 16.8 KB | 573 lines

Newsgroups: no.vitser
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From: [e-mail] (Jan Erling Berg)
Subject: Blondinevitser(the list)
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: no.vitser
Sender: [e-mail] (Mr News)
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Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 11:07:28 GMT
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Path: juritekmac21.uio.no!user
From: [e-mail] (Jan Erling Berg)
Newsgroups: no.vitser
Followup-To: no.vitser
Distribution: world
Subject: Blondinevitser(the list)
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Organization: uio


Blondinevitser....

Jeg har faatt overveldende respons (8 stk) allerede og poster her som lovet
Blondinevitser tatt fra nettet (am.) i fjor.

Desverre f┐lger det ikke med info paa hvem som har samlet disse, men det er
altsaa ikke undertegnede.

Jeg har omtrent 300 eller fler av disse. Aa poste alle paa en gang er ikke
aktuelt.

Oenskes fler er det bare aa si ifra til meg eller poste om det.

Jan E

Enjoy.......



Q:   If a Blonde and a Brunet jumped off the C.N. Tower, which one would
     splat first?
A:   The Brunet. The blonde had to ask directions.

Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A:   Gifted!

Q:   What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?
A:   A Golden Retriever!

Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A:   Artificial intelligence.

Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A:   You can park in the handicap zone.

Q:   Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A:   They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A:   It takes too long to retrain them.

Q:   Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A:   So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
     little packages.

Q:   Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A:   They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q:   Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A:   Because red means stop.

Q:   Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A:   Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Q:   Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:   They make good ankle warmers.

Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
A:   "All the blondes have gone home!"

Q:   What's the mating call of the redhead?
A:   "Next!"

Q:   Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods and
     Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A:   Because they can spell it.

Q:   What is 74 to a blonde?
A:   69 plus G.S.T.

Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A:   Toes Go In First.

Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A:   Tits Go In Front.

Q:   What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
     attractive?
A:   Her ankles.


Q:   What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A:   "Have another beer."

Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A1:  An interpreter.
A2:  A translator.

Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A:   A mental block.

Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1:  "Thanks guys... "
A2:  Introduces themself.
A3:  Goes home.

Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A:   Opens the car door.

Q:   Why do blondes have more fun?
A:   Because they don't know any better.

Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1:  "What's a lightbulb?"
A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q:   What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A:   "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q:   What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
     head?
A:   All you can eat, under a buck.

Q:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A:   There's white-out on the screen.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q:   What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A:   You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
     go down on you.


Q:   Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A:   More head room.

Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q:   Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A:   Because you wash vegetables there!

Q:   How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A:   Tell her she's pregnant.

Q:   What will she ask you?
A:   "Gee, Are you sure it's mine?"

Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A:   A wind tunnel.

Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
     blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
     Who picks it up?
A:   The dumb blonde.
     why?
     There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a
     smart blonde.

Q:   Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A:   To see what was on the other side.

Q:   What do you see when you peer into a blonde's eyes?
A:   A Back of her head.

Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A:   Fertilized.

Q:   How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
A:   She opens up the car door.

Q:   Why do blonds have square boobs?
A:   Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q:   Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A:   They both drip when they're fucked.

Q:   Why is a washing machine better than a blond?
A:   You can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't
     follow you around for a week.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A:   A toilet won't follow you around when you're done using it.

Q:   How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A:   The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q:   Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A:   So she could lip read.

Q:   How do you drown a blond?
A1:  Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2:  Don't tell her to swallow.

Q:   What do blondes and cow pies (or buffalo chips) have in common?
A:   The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q:   What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A:   Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.

Q:   What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A:   A waste.

Q:   Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A:   She kept having affairs with men!

Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A:   "Oh look!  Donut seeds!"

Q:   Why does a blonde take the pill?
A:   So she knows what day it is.

Q:   Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A:   It kept falling out.

Q:   But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A:   Wishful Thinking.

Q:   Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A:   They chip their teeth.

Q:   Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A:   They can't dial the 11 in 911.

Q:   What did the blonde say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
A:   "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

Q:   Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers monthly?
A:   The box said "For 20 pounds."

Q:   What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A:   She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q:   How does a blonde part her hair?
A:   By doing the splits.

Q:   How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A1:  Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
A2:  Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1:  You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2:  You can't fit a blonde inside a bowling ball

Q:   How are a bowling ball and a blonde alike?
A1:  You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
     in the gutter and they'll always come back.
A2:  They're both round and have three holes to poke.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A:   They know how many men went down on the Titanic.

Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A:   She threw it off a cliff.

Q:   Why was the blonde proud to finish her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?
A:   The box said "2-4 years."

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A:   Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q:   Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A:   She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q:   Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A:   You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q:   How does a blonde high-5?
A:   She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A:   To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q:   How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A:   69 interrupted by a period.

Q:   How do you brainwash a blonde?
A:   Giver her a douche and shake her upside-down.

Q:   What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:   A dope ring.

Q:   Why did the blonde go halfway to Norway then turn around & come home?
A:   It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.

Q:   What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A:   The more you bang them, the looser they get.

Q:   What does a blonde say after she's had sex?
A:   "Gee...are all you guys on the same team?"

Q:   What's the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A:   The blonde!

Q:   How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
A:   Flattered.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a terrorist?
A:   You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q:   What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A:   Bucket seats.

Q:   What do blondes do for foreplay?
A:   Remove their underwear.


Q:   What is foreplay for a blonde?
A:   Thirty minutes of begging.

Q:   What important question does a blonde ask her mate before sex?
A:   "By the hour, or flat rate?"

Q:   What's the difference between your blonde wife and your job?
A:   Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q:   Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:   To cover up the valve stem.

Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A:   Spot.

Q:   Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A:   Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.

Q:   How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A:   Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q:   Why do blondes have periods?
A:   They deserve them?

Q:   What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:   Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q:   What do you call a smart blonde?
A1:  A labrador.
A2:  An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q:   What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A:   A Space Invader.

Q:   What is a blonde's favorite rock group?
A:   Air Supply

Q:   Why did the blonde have a bruised navel?
A:   Her boyfriend's blond too.

Q:   What do you say to a blonde with no arms or legs?
A:   "Nice tits!"


Q:   Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A:   When they do the splits they stick to the floor.

Q:   Why do women have legs?
A1:  To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A2:  So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q:   Why did God create blondes?
A:   Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q:   what does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
A:   They're both stuck up cunts!

Q:   Why do blondes have one more brain cell than a cow?
A:   So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.

Q:   How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on Friday ?
A:   Tell it to her on Monday.

Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A:   Proofreading

Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A:   For throwing the W's

Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
A:   Give her M&M's and tell her to put them in alpabetical order.

Q:   What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A:   Branch Manager

Q:   How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q:   How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A:   By the lipstick on your cucumbers

Q:   How do you know which computer a blonde was using?
A:   By the liquid paper on the screen

Q:   What did the blond customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
     nametag) ?
A:   "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q:   What's the Blonde's cheer?
A:   " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
     I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...

Q:   Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A:   'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Q:   Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A:   'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A:   Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1:  You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2:  Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q:   What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A:   They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q:   What does a blonde make for dinner?
A:   Reservations.

Q:   What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
     Ming vase?
A:   "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A:   In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
     blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q:   How does a blonde commit suicide?
A:   She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q:   What do blondes and blacks have in common?
A:   Both have black roots.

Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A:   "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"

Q:   Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde
     drives a car?
A:   Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

Q:   What is happening when you hear varoom ...screech
varoom.....screech
     varoom...screech.....
A:   A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing
     red light.

Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
A:   Alone.

Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A:   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
     blown around too much.

Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A:   She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Q:   What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A:   Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q:   Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A:   More leg room.

Q:   Why do blonds have orgasm's ?
A:   So they know when to stop having sex !

Q:   How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1:  She drops her nail-file!!!
A2:  Who cares?
A3:  She say 'Next'
A4:  The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5:  He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6:  I mean, who really cares?
A7:  The batteries have run out.

Q:   What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1:  They both have a black box.
A2:  Both have a cockpit.

Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A:   Not everyone has been in a 747

Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A:   Her IQ goes up!

Q:   What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A:   Butter is difficult to spread.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A:   The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q:   What do blonds and spagetthi have in common?
A:   They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q:   What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A:   Sweet Fuck All...

Q:   What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A:   Frosted Flakes.

Q:   What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A:   Frosted Flakes.

Q:   Why don't blondes breast feed their babies?
A:   Because it's too painful to boil the nipples.

Q:   Why do blondes drive VW's
A:   Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q:   Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A:   So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Q:   Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A:   A blond electrician

Q:   Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A:   Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q:   Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A:   Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q:   What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A:   Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q:   Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A:   Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q:   Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A:   The vegetable garden.

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A:   The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q:   How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A:   He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her
     forehead!

Q:   What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A:   Two brunettes.

Q:   Why was the blonde depressed when she received her driver's license?
A:   Because she got an F in sex.