NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/misc/writing/3614

Text File | 1992-11-23 | 3.6 KB | 79 lines

Newsgroups: misc.writing
Path: sparky!uunet!newsgate.watson.ibm.com!yktnews!admin!camelot!bechdol
From: [e-mail] (Jeff Bechdol)
Subject: Re: speech interruption
Sender: [e-mail]
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 21:24:14 GMT
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Disclaimer: This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily those of IBM
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In article <[e-mail]>, [e-mail] (Dave Pipes x4552) writes:
|> In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (randal rheinheimer) writes:
|> >I've come across a problem in my all-too-amateurish writing and am asking those
|> >more experienced (or just more imaginative) for help.  There is a certain flow
|> >I wish to maintain in putting a thought or a description inside a spoken
|> >sentence, but no particular construction seems right to me.  Here is an example
|> >of the sort of thing I'm working with:
|> >
|> >She said, "I'm posting you about my problem--" Her hands became clumsy on the
|> >keyboard. "--and I hope you're able to help me."
|> >
|> >That's the best construction I had come up with, so I knew that it was past
|> >time to get help; it's just not right to put a complete sentence in the middle
|> >of the spoken phrase.  Possibly the dashes could be placed outside the
|> >quotation marks:
|> >
|> > . . problem," --her hands became clumsy on the keyboard-- "and . . .
|> >
|> >A large part of the problem is that the flow, the feel of the passage is
|> >destroyed if I put the description somewhere more convenient.  Any
|> >ideas--parentheses, maybe?
|>
|> What about just interposing a phrase, more like an image, to give the reader
|> the effect of a glance:
|>
|>      She said, "I'm posting you about my problem--" (clumsy hands fumbled the
|> keys) "--and I hope you're able to help me".
|>
|> Hmmm...doesn't look as good on the screen as I had hoped.  Maybe use your
|> first version, with a few small changes:
|>
|>      She said, "I'm posting you about this problem" - her hands became clumsy
|> on the keyboard - "and I hope you're able to help me".
|>
|> This is a bit better at creating the speech embedded in a sentence feeling,
|> rather than the more awkward interposed phrase.  Opinions?
|>
|>     David Pipes

How about:

"I'm posting you about my problem," she said as her hands fell clumsily upon the
keys, "and I hope you're able to help me."

The pattern is thus:

    "[quote]," [person] [said] [as] [description], "[rest of quote]."

Be creative when filling in the template.  For instance, [said] could be "said",
"exclaimed", "whailed", etc. and [as] could be "as", "while", "during", etc.

Hope this helps to trigger some thoughts...

--
                                                                     Cheers,

                                                          Jeffery A. Bechdol
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  IBM/ABS System Design II
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