PC Action 1996 September

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Wrap

Text File | 1996-01-09 | 93.0 KB | 2,698 lines

Well, hello cupcake. Did you enjoy the performance? Er.. er.. er.. Awesome, excellent, cool Your act brought a lump to my throat.. Push the choke in, I think you're hot enough. Now, what do you want me for? I take it you liked the show. Now, what can I do with you..to you.. I mean, for you? Your throat? Hmm, well that's a new one on me. Now, how can I acommodate you? I'm looking for the Professor, he's been kidnapped. Have you seen him? I found these matches at my friends apartment but he's been kidnapped Sorry, Fruit-Pie, I can't say I have.. Yes, I gave those matches to one of Richard Tate's men Who's Richard Tate? I found these matches, dropped by the kidnappers He's a very potent man. A big-shot around Barryville You mean he's got loads of money Sure has. Tate wanted some private work doing at his secret base Where's his secret base? What sort of private work? If I knew that it wouldn't be a secret base Well, how did you get there? I was picked up at the park, in a truck of all thing Blind-folded and taken to the job He wanted me to do something in his private apartment But I don't know where the apartment is How come? Do you think anyone at the park may have seen something? Search me.. I'd love to but I've got to find my friend. Thanks a lot Sure my little quarter pounder. It's been fun, so here's a little reminder Thanks Lola you're a babe! Hello again Tell me, you don't have a photograph of your dog in your wallet, do you? Hey, I'm outta here! Hey Vera, I've got the tie you wanted Polynesian polka dot. Vera like nice pretty tie Vera let boy in club for such nice pretty tie Boy has pretty Tie. Vera let boy enter Hey cool! Move over Vera Hey big guy! Look what I've got! Hey cool! Move over I'm coming through Hi, there. How you doing? Zzzzz..zzzzzz..zzzzz..zzzzzzz Hey! Wake up Hi there, Mr Shifty! How you doing? Hi, Tony what's cooking? Mr Shifty? The name's Tony, kid, and don't you forget it! Hey! Cut off his legs and call him shorty. It's the low-down bum again! I'm looking for a buddy of mine... It says medium on my shorts, but I'm no psychic. Whatsee look like? Well, a bit like a professor White coat, glasses... Like a favourite uncle with brains Yeah, which bit looks like a professor? Hey man, this is a matter of life or death! Have you seen him? I never had no uncle, I'm an only child I seen a red-head couple of hours ago Really! Bright red hair? No, a red head. No hair, just a red head You were an only child? That must have been rough Yeah, just me and my twin brother and my three sisters.. Sure was. Ever tried wearing your pop's hand me downs? Er.. Look about the Professor? And six older brothers... The professor! Huh? Oh, sorry kid, I ain't seen him Sure have, and my dad was shorter than me Look about the Professor: have you seen him? You must be emotionally deranged That figures And my mother was so small, she was almost invisible Yeh, and between them they produced Tom Thumb Woah! Is that the time? Gotta dash Maybe, maybe not. What's it worth? A ticket to see Julio Englasias? My great grandmother's whelk collection? I'll give your name to a double glazing salesman Sorry, I'm not into horror movies It's not what you call hard currency is it kid? Threats don't scare me kid Well, it was worth a try. See you around Kid, I see all sorts round here. He got any unusual features? Teeth like stars Really blue eyes Big ears Yeah the sort that come out at night One blew to the left, the other to the right Right, Trophy-head You've seen him? Sorry kid, I ain't Right. Catch you later Hey, shuduppaya face, or you'll be emotionally deranged Witty comeback, dude. See you round sometime What ya doing out here? I'm a street salesman, kid. Wanna buy something? That depends... I'm looking for a nice tie... Do I get a guarantee? Not right now, thanks, maybe later Depends on what? On what your selling I sell it all, kid So what you got? Apples, pears Ugly brown bears Dice, lice Blind mice Boats, flies Pies and ties Coats, floats I even sell goats. I got it all kid. Whadya want? Not quite sure, I'll have a think about it Tell me about the tie again Yeah! I guarantee I'll sell you a tie Er.. I'll have a think about it You know where I am if you need anything Ties, I got ties Great I'll take one Slow down, kid. I'm gonna need some of that folding stuff What's the price of your ties? Would you consider part-exchange? I'll have to start saving. Bye I'm having a one day sale, so lets say 1,312 Dollars & 28 cents. Plus tie tax Can I pay by instalments? What's tie tax? That's big bucks considering you've got a sale on Yeah, well the sale doesn't start till next week Look it's simple. Using the pro-active nature of the fiscal market.. Right..I.. ..in a negative sum gain situation, the financial tie index.. But..but.. ..is linked directly into inflationary measures designed to.. I..I..Don't feel well.. ..rip off anyone dumb enough to buy a tie off me I'm sorry I asked. I think I'll go for a lie down now Yep! I got an easy to pay, single instalment scheme Part-exchange! Yeah sure, I'll exchange a tie for a little Gold bullion You must have something I can afford Look kid, I'm a little hungry, get me something to eat and we'll see So, what do you want to eat? I'd give my right arm for a sticky bun Where's the best place to get a sticky bun? I've got no money. I'm broke Do you want a bun with a cherry on top? How about a sticky bun shop? And don't tell me you didn't see that one coming I've got a few questions about that sticky bun.. Hurry up kid, I'm losing my appetite Yeah. Lots of icing. And even more cherries Then you'll have to beg, steal or borrow OK, I'll be right back Hey dinner is served. Here's the bun you wanted About time too! You're not exactly fast food No tie, no bun Here you are. A Polynesian Polka dot. It matches your face Yeah sure and that bag of nuts and bolts matches yours Do you think you could dispose of this? You bet I could I don't need a brain, I've got a good one thanks Do you think I could get locked up for owning an offensive tie? Is this tie in fashion? Then you must be a glutton for punishment Don't be a wiseguy. That tie's a one-off It was back in the 60's. It represented love and peace, man Why do you say that? Ain't nobody ever bought stuff off Tony twice There's a first time for everything. Even for you peanut-brain Hey, get lost kid, you're giving Tony the hump! Sure is. A one-off too many A one-off..one-off where? Haven't you heard on the Citizen's charter? Oh yeah, well you're the schmuck who bought it Hey Tony, how you doing man? One-off the back of your tee-shirt Well thanks for the fashion lecture Yeah, the boat leaves in an hour, be on it kid Yeah, I've read the book Love and peace! That never worked Yeah, this ties as colourful as your lies That's "War and Peace", numbskull Don't knock it kid. The era brings back some fine memories It's not as colourful as your face'll be if you don't beat it The woman burnt their bras, men burnt their socks.. Yeah, thanks for the sales pitch. Catch you later Yeah, I think I've read that too! Sure, by Tolstoy! See, I've got the I.Q. of a genius That's the way kid, you keep burning shoe leather, its good for business You shouldn't think so much. You'll wear your brains out Yeah, well maybe you should give it back Yeah I can see the effect it's had on you I'll bear that in mind. Catch you later Ha ha. Real funny Yo, Tony, you still got the hump with me? Everyone loves a smart Alec. 'Cept me. Now beat it kid! You're breaking my heart, kid Use some initiative. That's what the game's all about Gaultier must be quaking in his shorts. See you Hey I never had it so good..Business was booming Although I'm fresh outta brains Couple o' tons of diamonds or maybe a few thousand Krugerrands Hi there! How's it going? Fine Bud, what can I get you? Hey, how did you know my name's Bud? I'd like a giraffe sandwich Nothing thanks. I've got no money Your name's Bud? I call everyone Bud Well..Hey It's such a cool name! That's a tall order, kid No problem, the first one's on the house Yeah sure..Then it's ninety dollars for the next..Right? Got it one Bud and you pay up or Vera gets to have a little fun Dummy line Can I ask you a few questions? Here we go, another punter with a problem Do you remember giving these matches to any one? What can you tell me about Lola? Have you ever seen this guy? You oughta talk to Lola Take a seat at an empty table. I'll send her over Hey Bud! There's someone here to see you Everyone with a problem spills his guts to the barman I knew I should have taken that dead-end job as an undertaker The punters never moan Help! We're going down! Women and nerdy guys first! Where's my life vest? It's okay, dude. I couldn't wake you up Who the Hell are you? I'm Bud Tucker. Who the Hell are you? I'm Bud Tucker. I've been thrown in here on a bum rap I'm a Public Health Inspector, Roach Department. What the roaches like? Dynarod, come to fix your water leak! I'm Pansy Pansy?!? Yeah and please, spare me the wise cracks. I've heard them all before Your name came up while I was talking to someone Oh, yeah, who? Dave Van Gogh Oh! Dave, right. Barryville's very own Salvador Dali I'm in here 'cause the police are corrupt Yeah, that's why I'm in here You mean you're learning to be a corrupt police officer? No! I'm doing time for something I didn't do What was that? I've heard that before What happened? Dave looks like one weird dude Well, you shouldn't watch so many old films I didn't run fast enough I used to be a police informer, until that night at the warehouse, when the Balooga Boys got the drop on me Who are the Balooga Boys? What happened at the warehouse? Can you get me out of this place? The Balooga Boys. The're a kind of freelance Mafia controlled by Tate Who is this Tate guy I keep hearing about? What's so special about Tate? He's evil personified - Lord of Malice, Master of Lies Tweaker of Kitten's Noses. He's trouble, kid He practically owns Barryville. He's the lowest of the low Like, how low's low? About as low as the belly on a Vietnamese pot bellied pig after a big bowl of swill That low! What sort of things does he do? Rides buses without paying, runs up down escalators and down up escalators takes library books back late he's the greatest living threat to civilisation as we know it! I heard there was some illegal stamp licking going on I tried to find out what was happening and the Balooga Boys got wind of it They roughed me up. Tate laid some bread on the Sarg I ended up here, on a concocted charge I could but... Hey man , it's a matter of life or death. Okay, watch this. See, the Designers got really stuck and couldn't come up with a way of getting you outta here Yeah, I know. It's cheap. Like I give a rat's... Yeah, you look like a bum I guess that's a good reason to get locked up I've heard there's mega corruption round here Big, fat and ugly. They'll eat what ever's on offer Get outta here! I wish I could, man Yeah, just like the dude that threw me in here With talk like that, you'll be in here for a long time Hey thanks Pansy I'm forever in your debt Yeah right that's what they all say Yeah, he's been warned about sniffing those paint fumes Surreal isn't the word for that guy As a friend of Dave's, could you get me out of here? A tree I'll bet you work for Special Branch Hey shorty where were you on the night of the eleventh? Visiting my poor sick Grandma Why, what's it to you? Wow! I love a guy in uniform The eleventh? It's only the tenth A likely story. You punks don't deserve a Grandma It was my birthday, I don't like people who forget my birthday Don't get fresh. You're in enough trouble as it is Well I'm a busy cop. I like to stay ahead of crime Hey not so fast! You're under arrest Why? I'm completely innocent You've got the wrong man It's a fair cop guv'nor Which dirty rat squealed on me? Hey punk, no-one's completely innocent Short. Ugly. Breathe like a camel. I've got the right man Haha! I knew it all along Nobby the nark grasses on everyone So why am I under arrest? For malicious wearing of an unfashionable jacket.. For a blatant and quite vicious hairstyle.. The Babinger jewel job, and any other crimes we haven't solved yet.. What! But! I.. Oh yes and entering a strip joint underage. Spread 'em Oh careful. That tickles Right sonny. You're coming with me What have we here Chuckney? He's a little young, isn't he? He's a little young for drinking at Big Al's So, what's the charges? Under age drinking? Under age drinking Impersonating an adult Grievous bodily odour Wearing an offensive tie Impersonating a pizza delivery boy And soliciting Lola I was only asking Lola about a friend who has gone missing These charges are unreal! What's the real reason I've been arrested? Why the charge of wearing an offensive tie? Why ask Lola? Missing persons is our job Yeah, but I didn't think it was a crime to ask questions Stop your whining, kid. Chuckney, throw him in the slammer Looks like you've thrown-up down the front of your T-shirt That alone will cost you a night in jail. Lock him up Chuckney Hold it! Hold it! Do you know a guy by the name of Dick Tate? Watch your lip, kid. It's people like Mr Tate that's made Barryville great Throw him in cell two Chuckney Hi there, old-dude. I'm Bud Tucker. Can you help me? I could, but as you can hear my stomach is empty So, Royston when did you last eat? This park is cool.. Have you got squatters? Three, no! I tell a lie, it was four nights ago Why are you living in that square old box? There's no room in a triangle Hmm, never thought of that. You do look in a sorry state Yes I've had a hard life. I don't wish to be rude but what is your excuse? The 90's culture shock They say I look like my dad Can you help me or not? I got to be going, catch you later Yes, it is somewhat of a shock isn't it You have to move with the times Roy Royston, the name is Royston. I dislike the shortening of names How come? I attended school with a boy named Fatridge Bumford What did they shorten it to? Oh, I despair at the youth of today.. I'm looking for a friend. Can you help? The hunger pains are bad today I haven't but, I may be able to get some. I'll see what I can do BLANK BLANK At times master Tucker life can be cruel Dumbo Did not I say that life is cruel? Yes, and I'd love to chat all day but I need to ask you some questions It is often said the way to a man's brain is through his stomach I thought it was through the top of his skull ? BLANK BLANK I can not help myself. So I can not help you sir. If only I had some food I'll see what I can do. Don't go away I'll be right back I've no where to go. This is my home sir Created by a wave of the Lord's hand. A grand place it is Shame he didn't do a little more with your place My treasures are in heaven not material things on this earth Hey, can I ask you a few questions? Not before I've eaten. Perhaps you have some food for me? Sorry I don't Then sadly you are out of luck young sir No, it's just the grass is a little damp this morning I heard there was a problem with homelessness in Barryville Indeed. I have already received three eviction notices this week No, I'm not from the Council. I just wanted to ask you a few questions Is that food I hear rustling in your pocket? No..It's just my pants are a little tight If you could spare some food I would be eternally grateful I'll be back! Pardon? That fish cake keeps repeating on me and I can't think on an empty stomach By the way, my name is Royston, young sir It was the night I ate a fish cake. I remember it well That fish cake keeps repeating on me You haven't a little food to ease the pain have you young sir? Tell me, what was your nickname at school? I'll see if I can find something Are you here to serve me a fourth? Hi there Royston! Hello good sir Hello good sir. Ahh! What is that I smell? Well, if it's not the flowers or food, one of us is in big trouble That smell can only mean one thing..MOOooo! Whoa you shouldn't eat so much beef dude Can you help me? I'm looking for a friend of mine What are you doing out here? I haven't eaten beef for ages. In fact, I haven't eaten for ages Sure, get stuck into this man Thank you kind Sir. This should stem my hunger The hunger pains are bad today I may have something. Er..What was your name again? The name is Royston Starving young Sir. Starving Quick, run for cover! It's an earthquake! Have you had beans for your supper? No, it's the sound of hunger, young sir. I haven't eaten in days Master Tucker returns. Ahh! What is that I smell? Hi there, old-dude. I'm Bud Tucker. Can you help me? You haven't a little something to eat have you? Please come into my home and we will talk You haven't a little food to ease the pain, have you young sir? Have you any food? Hi there Royston! Are you still hungry? Ah, Mr Popplewick. Salutations and greetings... You fiend! I'll never talk.. It is nigh on three summers since I saw you last... I won't talk I tell you.. Pray tell what brings you to old London town... Professor. We have been patient so far but you are running out of time Now tell me and tell me quickly. How do you turn on the machine? I won't tell. I won't be part of your nefarious plans Very well if you won't cooperate you leave me with little choice Norris show the professor your holiday snaps Ur, sure thing, boss. This is me on the beach next to the sea on the sand and this is an ice cream cone what I had and this is... That's horrible. And surely physically impossible? That's nothing. Watch this... Oh that's worse. Oh dear this is really too much... Hur you ain't seen nothing yet... Professor, you are only making things worse for yourself Oh no Bud! They've captured you as well! Who me Bud? I think you've got the wrong guy! Norris, secure that midget, and prepare him for his fate Now his diminutive assistant has arrived I think we can expect some co-operation from our friend the professor Beryl unleash the aardvark Egbert prepare the ant costume, teenager size I think Gulp! Hey..It's a Picasso. Or is it a Rembrandt? Or maybe a Monet? Hi I'm Bud Hi, Dave, how's life in the art world? Oy! Don't you know high class art when you see it? Fine, thanks Bud I'm looking for a friend of mine. Have you seen him? Bloomin 'eck! A missing Bosch! Is there anyone else I could ask? I've noticed you're ambidextrous Have you ever painted anyone in the nude? Thanks a lot, pal. Been good talking to you Not me, that's for sure Don't worry, it's not contagious No. I prefer to keep my socks on. Cops still arrested me You're a real mine of information You must see loads of people while you're working Nice of you to say so. Marty, the barman's the man to ask.. Big Al's Bar But..I.. Yep! I am a mind reader Wow..T.. No problem. You're welcome The place ain't got no atmosphere. Couldn't wait to get back This is an original one-off Dave Van Gogh masterpiece I live to work, and work to live. I don't notice people Hey man, isn't that taking things too far? Oy! Alaska's a bit far, and the moon's even further! So, you're an astronomer, as well as a painter? Ever been there? Yeah, and so cold I'm a typical Pisces I'm sorry? I said astronomer! Oh, sorry I only half heard you. Hardly surprising with a name like Van Gogh Yeah, I spent a few days there last week You can sun bathe on the warm side I was talking about Alaska How come you're painting with both hands? No, but rubella is I'm giving my feet a rest. Big Al's was full last night. I couldn't get a seat So, you know Big Al's? Don't everyone? So are computer games You play computer games? The police must be pretty heavy round here? Indecent exposure? Yeah, and corrupt. My mate Pansy Sharp found out the hard way Under exposure I call it "Fence in Yellow" Where can I find Pansy? In the slammer Yo, Dave! How about a favour? Awright Bud! what can I do for you? Lend me 1,000 Dollars I need a paint-job Course, just as soon as I sell this piece I've just painted You what? Can you paint this waterproof rain thingy for me? Van Gogh's the name and painting's my game. What colour would like it? What colours have you got? Pink with little green dots Any colour you like, old son. As long as it's yellow That'll do nicely. Thanks How about yellow with yellow dots? Who's the Neanderthal over there? The barman asked Vince, "Do you want a drink?" Ha..Ha..Ha. That's Vera you're talking about What kind of name's that for a guy? Does anyone ever get in that club? What's his day job? Well, thanks for the chat, old boy! Tootle pip! Must dash! We'll I'm not going to ask him. Are you? I could tell you a story about that I'm all ears! I thought you were a painter? Ha..Ha..Ha.. What's so funny? My uncle Vince, Vince Van Gogh that is, went into Big Al's Yeah, I tell my stories by pictures He's an equal opportunities officer Well, there's nothing equal about Vera Don't you need a brain for a job like that? I've heard enough. I'm outta here Course there is His I.Q. is equal to his age Gosh, you're so English Only the coolest of the cool Apparently not Vince replied, "No, I've got one ear" Who's Pansy Sharp? You don't wanna mess with Pansy, mate Hi, there. Dig the tunes, man Say what? Can you turn the music down? Yeah man, get down! You got the rhythm boy Hi buddy, how you doing? Grooving, bro woah! The name's Bud. Can help me out man? Well, what's cooking my man, you looking for some tunes? I'm looking for a friend of mine Cooking! It's that chicks perfume. Who is she? Do I sound like I've got a cold? You shouldn't play the music so loud you'll end up deaf What can you tell me about Dick Tate? Yeah? So, what's the dude look like? Skinny, round glasses, white coat. He's a professor Professor? Yeah So the dude's got brains? Phd Science grade D Yeah, loads of them all squashed into the top of his head Grade D! Ha, ha, ha, I got seven Grade A's man. That's why I'm called Dr7 Then what are you doing working in a record shop? Freedom baby. To play what I like when I like What type of music do you like? Do you do any DJ work? You got wax in your ears boy?..Soul, Rhythm and Blues, Motown Must be hard getting those old records I pay good price for good music Do you buy old records? What do you call a good price? Depends on what you got to sell, you got something to sell boy? That depends on the price What you got? Doris Day Sings Punk Favourites Volume 7 Billy G's "Funky Sounds of the 70's" Yodelling Yaks sing Country and Western I don't think so Bud Say what! Billy G..Man I been after that piece of vinyl for some time Yeah, I got the other two at home How much will you give me for it? You're funin me boy Well times are kind of hard kid, I got a cash flow problem Okay, I'll take that big gold ring you're wearing Sounds fine to me Only three Billy G's in existence..make it both rings But..I.. And, the necklace Say what! Why don't you take the shirt off my back? I don't like the shirt Look, guy.. Bud. The name's Bud Okay, Bud. I'll trade you a silver coin for Billy G. Could come in handy, man Been good doing business with you man You did good business kid, you'll go far No, I thought your pants were a little tight I haven't reached puberty yet Ha ha ha, you should get a job on the stage Puberty. That's somewhere by the museum I think The museum? Where's that? I'd get a street map if I were you Hey, you think so? Sure do Pop singer or actor? Sweeping it One sweet smelling sister Say what? What did I tell you Doc 7 sounds the coolest around. Don't you stop the doc's the culture shock That's not really my kinda thing, kid Hey it was worth a try. See you round Tricky Dicky? Yeah I know that dude What can you tell me about him? He's the nicest man you never wanna meet Who is he like a godfather or something? Is kidnapping his thing? Godfather. Godzilla. He's one mean mother. The guy's got no moral Take my advice kid, don't mess with Tate. He'll eat you for breakfast I get the feeling when I find Tate, I'll find the professor You take care, bro. If I were you I'd forget it Thanks buddy Hey Doc 7, how's it going man? Cool my man, just cool. How's it hanging? Well I'm still looking for my friend the Professor Well the dude ain't been in here man Thanks guy No problem bro Great place to keep them buddy Do you buy old 60's and 70's records? Okay Doc, a silver coin it is Tunes? I must be in the wrong shop sorry Hey I'll keep that in mind. Catch you later She looks at the records but really she's only got eyes for me man She really digs Dr 7's cool vibrations but if he does show I'll tell him you're scoping for him 60's and early 70's music man. That's my era. Ha Ha! There's only three still in existence Hello there. What can I do for you, young sir? I'm just window shopping How much is that Photo machine? Have you ever seen this guy? Thanks for the chat. I gotta go Sorry son, we don't sell windows here So what do you sell? Hey, that's a good one. Never heard that one before SCUBA diving equipment Well I can't see any SCUBA equipment! Good Lord, what has that salesman given me! I've got loads more like that. Want to hear another? No thanks. All the laughing's bad for my blood pressure It's not for sale Why not? Well, what's it doing here? Because it's not, okay? Hey haven't you heard of the expression the customer's always right? Yes Chill-out, dude, I just wondered what the machine was doing here It's just sitting there, doing nothing in particular Does it work? Silly place to have a photo machine Yeah, if you've got money Not as silly as a train station or post office Hey, can I have that photo? What for? I want to use it to frighten children Look this is serious. Have you ever seen this guy? Nope! Why don't you ask Lola? Lola? Thanks but I already did Yes, the lovely young lady from Big Al's. Remember her? I thought you looked flushed I might just do that. Thanks for the info. Catch ya later And the last guy who told me that is still playing the piano with his ears Hello can I help you? Hey, could I get some service here? Certainly sir. You want fries with your burger? I don't want fries, thanks Funny, I don't feel hungry anymore thanks Hold the mayonnaise. I'm outta here Well, what do you want? Some information please An alligator sandwich and make it snappy Cold fries and a burger that tastes like rubber I'm sorry sir, that's not on the menu. Neither's bad service, but you still expect to get it Do you ever get angry customers in here? Yes, what we expect and what we get are usually very different sir Ain't that the truth! Thank you sir. What do you want to know? Do you know a guy by the name of Dick Tate? You haven't seen this guy in here have you? No, where's he? If I knew that I wouldn't be asking you, would I? Well sir I don't know. Would you? I'd like to thank you for your invaluable help. But I won't Well sir with all these burgers flying about we tend to keep our heads down Yeah, I've heard of fast food but this is ridiculous I'm sorry sir. The machine's gone crazy. If you catch one it's yours You mean like that movie where the guy flips his lid? Yeah the reason for that was all a bit lost on you, wasn't it.. Well could you see what he was mad at? Gee you're kind of like a Freud of French fries aren't you? I'm sorry sir, we're out of bread I'm sorry sir, we don't do cold fries and rubber burgers You did last week Nothing, I've got to split Thanks pal, I'm outta here Yo! Are you a dental practitioner? No, I'm a plumber in disguise. What do ya want? Can you check my teeth please? I've got a plumbing job for you at the jail Doesn't all this screaming put you off being a dentist? I can't stand the sight of blood. I'm outta here Why? I think they look OK white Hey, a dentist with a sense of humour Hmm a small child with impacted molars. Now what do ya want? I've always wanted to be a dentist Has this guy ever been in here? What kind of anaesthetic do you use? Me too! Holy nipple clamps! The last time I saw teeth like that Anaesthetic? What's that? Oh, really? Yeah, Pansy's sprung a leak Have you been at my embalming fluid, boy? Ah, the sweet suffering..Music to my ears, boy..Music to my ears You know, you're pretty sick? So you like music? Yes! They call my brother Dick sick. We're the Sick Twins Don't tell me you've got a twin brother? Dick? Are you talking about Dick Tate? Yes. He's forty, and I'm thirty-six Yes. Do you know Dick? Not personally. How do you know him? We go shooting together on Sunday afternoons What do you shoot? Where do you go shooting? Usually each other At Tate's secret base Where's that? That, my dear boy, is a secret Listen, boy, I'm trying to have some fun here.. Can't you see I'm busy? the blacksmith was fitting a new set of shoes to the horse! Hey another shifty guy! How's it going? Hey Del, what's cooking? Whatta you on about? The name's Del, Del E. Gate Hey! It's the guy with the fashion problem Have you seen my friend the Professor? Yeah sure I'm always talking to eggheads, whatsee look like? Egghead? I hope you're yolking! Glasses. Lab coat. That sort of thing Oh just your average mad professor Yeah kid I know how to crack 'em Yeah! So have you seen him? The type that pirouettes over the tightrope of sanity? Horn rimmed? That's right! Hmmm..A horn rimmed lab coat. What about his glasses? Sorry kid I can't help you right now, but I am expecting a consignment of slightly shop soiled architects. Maybe.. I don't think so somehow. Thanks anyway Are you some sort of salesman? Am I some sort of salesman? Listen kid I won the "Spiv of the Year" award three times in a row! What do the awards look like? Is that something to be proud of? How did you get nominated? It's a Golden stocking atop a genuine Siberian watch Are they valuable? I didn't realise they made watches there Are you really sure about this? Sure. That's what I'll tell the mug who buys one Say how would you like.. Er..is that the time. Bye! Yeah and they work fine if you keep them at freezing point Isn't that a little impractical? So how do you tell the time? Not if you live in Siberia With the optional extra batteries not included patented fully guaranteed no purchase necessary twenty eight days delivery portable cryogenic pack with separate mains lead I'm sorry I asked. See you round No, you're right kid. I'm just a compulsive liar But you'd probably guessed being so intelligent and handsome What? You really think so? No..Sorry kid I couldn't help myself there Yeah thanks a bundle No worries kid it's all part of the service Yeah my old Ma was tickled pink And if you don't? Hey what is this? Twenty Questions? Sorry. I guess I'll go now You mean you have a Ma? Isn't that illegal? Hey kid, did I just smell the faintest whiff of sarcasm? It was merely an enquiry into anthropological matters Neat patter Kid. I could use an assistant with the gift of the gab. Howdya fancy it? Perhaps when I've found my friend Well I'll keep the vacancy open then Only in certain states. And only then if it involves more than two startled penguins Oh.. And only then if one is a qualified country dancer But.. And if the other once knew a postman with a lisp You've just made that up, haven't you? Hey Mendacity is my middle name I thought it began with an E? I guess you'll never learn kid Gee thanks. I guess I'll go now You do good deals and people notice. Who else could convince the owner of an aquarium that his life is incomplete without a gross of slightly bent egg whisks? What did he do with them? Isn't that immoral? Hey kid! Do you think I loose any sleep over that? Well sharks never sleep do they? Yep that's right kid. You're starting to get there Thanks for the education. See you! Listen my dictionary doesn't have the word Why's that? All the pages from herring to klipspringer are missing Well..Immoral means without scruple.. Hey spare me the English lesson and I'll spare you the Physical Education Okay I'll go now. See you later Yeah! Can't wait Hello, Ma'am Miss! Miss Putty, but you can call me Mary Right, hello Mary. I'm Bud Tucker Bud Tucker, what a sweet name for such a sweet boy I'm looking a friend of mine. Have you seen him? What do you know about Dick Tate? What can you tell me about Pansy? Hmmm..He looks like some sort of professor He's a missing professor. I'm trying to find him Have you tried the erm..Police? Yeah, and I found them guilty Yeah, but I prefer Gangster Rap, thanks Some of those officers are adorable Look Mrs... Miss! Okay..Miss. Can you help me or not? Certainly I can. Why not try the university erm..lavatory? Have you seen the professor there? Okay. Where's the university? What makes you say that? That's where professors go, isn't it? Yes but..I'm not looking for any old professor I'm looking Why not give it a try dear? Where is Barryville's university? University? Senile dementia! Oh, yes, I went there once for a holiday. What a lovely place Me too! Although I could never get used to all the swearing Yeah, they do use some pretty darned harsh language. About my friend? We can't all be good at everything can we? You can say that again I thought this was a tourist information shop? That again. Feel better now, do we? The lights are on, but there's no one at home That's right dear. Would you like to see the sights? I think I've seen enough, thanks Quite a lot actually Such as? Office managers dictate to their secretaries at the rate of 250 WPM 260 WPM actually Do you know Dick Tate, or not? Call me a liar for 10 words per minute Yes, he's that nice young man who works in the post office They made a thing called fire So, where is the post office? Several Thousand years later we still have little sticks Right next to the University but they have a red bit on the end and they're called matches How can I help you dear? Spring perennial plant. It's companions include forget-me..somethings.. Yes dear? Sorry, I'm in the wrong place What can you tell me about these matches? Well, it started off with two cave men rubbing sticks together Okay, Okay. I understand and thanks for the history lesson Hello Mary Barryville doesn't have a University dear but we've got a bus-stop Bye for my professor So. It's you again, what you hanging around for kid? I heard the smoke alarm and thought you might need some help You really do have an attitude problem I've got nothing better to do You? Help? Right, and pigs might fly So, you've got your pilots licence then? Look kid, I knew you were trouble the first time I saw you. Now beat it! If you don't get out of here you'll have a kick inna pants problem. Now scram! Man, this hero business is hard work I'm giving you the Spanish archer. Now move it The Spanish archer! What's that? El Bow! Now, get out of my shop Yo. Mr Pastry, how's it going? Hey, it's a pizza-faced kid How's it going, baker-dude? I make a living I'm looking for my friend, the professor.. Have you tried the Department of Missing Persons The Dog Pound? Do you know a place called Big Al's Bar? Yeah, I tried Missing Persons, but there was no one there I never gave it a thought. Thanks! Yeah, you'd be surprised at what turns up there Yeah, why do you ask? Yeah, well they were probably all out looking for each other Look! have you seen the professor? They wouldn't have the professor anyway, he's got a pedigree Are you sure about all this? Holder of the University Chair, University Teacher of high rank one who makes profession of religion, that sort of professor? No, an eccentric professor of from Muddy Creek Ah, you mean the Professor! You've seen him!?! No Are you sure? There's all sorts at the pound Such as? Blood Hound, Basset Hound, Beagle Hound, Deer Hound, Shih Tzu.. Shih Tzu? Gesundheidt Well, thanks for everything. Goodbye Isn't this a little bit silly? So you haven't seen the Professor? Hey, kid, they said the Chocolate Tea-pot would never catch on Errrmmmm....No Right, thanks for your time. Catch you later As sure as night follows day. Or is it day follows night? How do you know about the dog pound? So what about the professor? You've been a great help. Goodbye When I was a baby I was found by a dog warden tied to a French Poodle That's terrible Yeah, we all got our troubles. Mine's the stupid name I was given So, what is your name? That's a cool story I think I'll go now.. Lamppost Fouler That's awful Sure. But at least my name doesn't sound like a rude anagram Yeah, and not a word of it was true What none of it? Nope. Not a single, solitary, standing-all-alone-by-itself-in-the-corner word Is he a short guy, looks a like a bulldog chewing a wasp? Not exactly... Pity, I saw somebody like that half an hour ago Where did you see him? In the mirror shaving? Boy, he must have been ugly... Push off kid, I've got dough to pound into submission Ugly? Ugly? Kid, he was curdling my custard! I found these matches, I want to find the place they came from I'm looking for someone named Lola... Big Al's is just around the corner. Lola works there So you know Lola? Doesn't everyone! Is there any special place the might meet up? Do they know who they're looking for? Yeah, Big Al's bar, in Seedy Street Thanks, catch you later Don't be silly, that's why they're Missing Persons Yeah, thanks. I'll be on my way then the Yellow Pages or the Dog Pound? Aarrgh! Call the Fire Department! Fire! Fire! I couldn't believe how ugly you were, so I came for a second look I've spoken to guy named Tony - the guy with the Brooklyn accent Do you sell sticky buns? You look more like a Coal man than a baker Look who's talking. You're not bad looking. For a boxer! Yeah, you look like you've used you face to put out a thousand fires A thousand sticky buns, maybe! By the smell of you, you could sure use a bath! So, do you have sticky buns? I've got buns in the oven. That's what you can smell Sure I sell sticky buns. Best in Barryville So what. Everyone's got an Brooklyn accent In Brooklyn maybe. But we're not in Brooklyn We're not?!? I've got to keep off that cooking sherry! Does the Pope drive a funny little car that looks like a greenhouse? Yeah! He must be the first Pope to go green In more ways than one So how much are your sticky buns? Can I have a sticky bun please? One hundred bucks, kid Sure if you've got a hundred bucks My bread bin's empty! So, you've got no dough. Tough! Most people in Barryville have two jobs So, you have a part-time job as a coal man? What's your other job? You greedy swine No. I'm doing an impersonation of Al Jolson. I'm his official stand in I'm an actor. You've probably seen me in the theatre Yeah. Selling ice cream during the intermission Listen, bubble brain, you're getting on my nerves. So beat it! This conversation's stupid. I'm outta here Great! How's it going, baker-dude? I make a living Hi there! What's going down? What? Who said that? It's Bud. Bud Tucker Bud Tucker? What were your parents then? Comedians? I'm looking for my friend the professor What's that you're reading? Is this the museum? No. They were lion tamers Yeah well. He ain't been round here How can you tell behind there? Are you sure you haven't seen him Yeah? Thanks for your help Strange and eldritch psychic powers. That's how Yeah. Sure. Psychic powers Right. Thanks for nothing See. I just knew you'd be cynical Okay then. What colour is my jacket? Black Black? Not even close Yeah but you haven't had that accident with the barrel of oil yet I give up Yep. I knew you were going to say that Look there's all sorts of people pass this way. Short people. Tall people People with baby people. People with people off to see people And people like you asking about other people But there's been no professor people. None whatsoever Gee you're really a people person aren't you? No. Can't stand them Well thanks for your time. Catch you later Well let me think. It says museum above the door. So.. So? So I guess this must be the museum Hey thanks for your help. Catch you later Lion tamers? Yeah. In a travelling circus. But they had to give it up Oh? After placing his head in a lion's mouth My Pop discovered that one of the clowns had fed it garlic It just wasn't the same after that Here you've just made that up. Haven't you? Yeah 'cause I'm the comedian in the family Very funny Hey! I try A very interesting article on the uses of antelope nose hair I'm afraid to ask Antelope nose hair? I don't want to hear this. See you later And well you should be. It's not for young ears Thanks for the warning Oh yes. A very versatile material is antelope nose hair You know they can weave it together and it'll produce a rope that'd stop an aircraft carrier Er.. But it's so soft and warm as well In fact I'm wearing a cardigan made out of antelope nose hair wool and I'm as warm as a new born kitten So tell me. Where did you escape from? What's it to you? Future reference Hey there. It's me again Go away I'm reading and I ain't got time to talk to the likes of you What do you want? Applause? Hi big guy! How's it hanging? Big guy? My name's Vera Hi Vera, how's tricks? Vera only know one trick. Called Disappearing Boy trick So, is this where the action takes place? Yeah, action for members only! I'm a member of the Boy Scouts. Will that do? So, how do I become a member? Make boy into pretty little Christmas tree. Then beat boys brains out Sorry to bother you. Catch you later No dibs, no dobs. Vera don't let in yobs! How about if I grease your palm? I've got to meet the President inside Thanks for the scintillating dialogue. Later Vera not grease monkey. Now beat it kid Is boy making fun of Vera? Would Bud Tucker do that? Do you think I'd mock the afflicted? People do anything to see Lola Vera only understand small words I need to see Lola No member, no Lola. Vera black belt in Origami. If boy not push off Vera need blood sample But I'm a Jehovah's Witness No problem, I'll pick a fight inside But I..I've only got eight pints Boy witness kick in backside if he not stop asking questions Vera don't need that much blood Well if boy gives Vera one, boy be left with...urm...five. And a half Surely, there's another way I can get in ? Fire exit locked. Maybe boy make Vera laugh with funny joke. Vera like jokes Okay..A boy asks his dad "Where's the Alps?" Erm..How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Okay..How do you make an elephant fly? "I don't know," says dad, "Ask your mother she's always putting things away" Hide all your spades Start with a three foot zip Okay, so it's a little old. But then again, so are you Vera still not laughing! Is there anything that does make you happy? Vera want to see nice tie. Then he let boy in club What sort of tie do I need? Tell me about the tie again.. Vera want to see nice pretty tie. Vera like pretty ties No problem. I'll be back See boy later. With nice pretty tie Have you seen my friend the professor? Boy like you have a friend? Yeah, I'm so popular it's untrue Hey, I have friends coming outta my ears Enough about friends, what about the Professor? I don't need this abuse. Catch you later! Huh! Vera thought boy tells lies Honest! I'd swear on a stack of Bibles Look, about the Professor.. Swearing very bad. Swearing at Bible very, very bad Er..Look, gotta go, I've got a three minute egg on the boil Is boy's friend a member? I wouldn't think so. He probably couldn't cope with your witty repartee Vera not like big words. Big words make Vera feel sick Repartee's not that big a word No, but think is Boy want to see doctor about that Which doctor? Look about my friend the professor.. Vera don't mess with Voodoo stuff Now boy go, Vera very busy. Vera has lots of people to injure Vera knew professor once Well, bully for you No, Vera not like beef. Not nice to eat dumb animals. Vera vegetarian Cabbage brain! That figures Cabbage good for brain, carrots good for eyes Vera think boy trying to be funny. Give boy Cauliflower, good for ears Okay, thanks for everything, See you Do you know the big fat guy around the corner? Boy mean big fat baker, who thinks he's Al Jolson? I thought he was a coal man.. That stomach must have cost him a fortune No. Baker is actor. Good actor Yeah? I suppose he's done all the greats..Hamlet..MacBeth..Julius Caesar.. No. He best known for his role as "Fat Baker" in computer game Wow. What a talent... Has boy not heard baker song? What song is that? "Baker, baker, show us your legs." You mean that song? "Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies?" No! Baker not seen his legs since he was ten Yeah, well, I've got to split "V" Who the hell is Al Jolson? I'm outta here Can you tell me anything about Lola? What does boy want to know? What does she look like? Is she working tonight? What does she do here? Is it true she got's got a pit bull? Naomi Campbell, without the sun tan, or Cindy Crawford So you're a bit of a voyeur, hmm? I said what does she look like, not who No. Vera can't play stringed instrument Vera make boy look like Elephant Man if not careful OK, big guy, thanks for the information. Catch you later Lola work every night. People like Lola's act Do you think she would see me, after her show? What time does she finish work? Lola like real men, not little boy All the more reason she should talk to me Boy make good joke..Vera like boy's joke. Hur! hur! Shame Vera not like boy Thanks for the abuse. I've got to split Lola finish when act ends And when does the act end? Where does she go when her act ends? Act ends when Lola finishes I said, where, not..oh forget it. Catch you later Boy play game of twenty questions. Vera say get lost! Hur! Hur! Boy's blood pressure rise, if Vera say what Lola do Vera blood pressure rise too. Hur! hur! I gotta know, a man's life hangs in the balance Come on Vera, spill the beans She's probably a man in drag Vera think scales not in boy's favour Vera not like beans. Beans make Vera smell funny. Hur! hur! If Lola is a man, then Vera is intellec..intecel..brainy guy. I didn't really want to know anyway Better that young boy don't know Yeah, she's married to him Yo, Vera, can I come in? Boy is barred Get a life man, why I am barred? Boy ask too many questions. Boy have too many underage zits. Offend members Boy annoy Vera, Vera show him trick Vera? That's a girl's name isn't it? If it was good enough for my mother it's good enough for me Ahoy there Captain! Ahoy yerself me fellow sailor. Now what be ye a wantin'? Hey nothing I just want to browse I don't know. What yer got? I'm on a mission. Have you seen this man? Then browse away me hearty Arggh! That fair frightened the Captain. And 'e's seen some sights in his time So you haven't seen him? You're not going to tell me a tale? Really. Before or after the grog? Argh! Be ye making fun of the Captain? Who sweet lil' ol' me? Well yeah. It's my character Argh! Ye be right the Captain's a suspicious old cove Argh! As long as the Captain know So have you seen the professor? The Captain can't rightly say that he has Hey that's the way it goes. Thanks Ah it be easier for the Captain to say what 'e don't have Yeah..And? Well 'e don't 'ave anythin' that ain't in the shop Right..Okay..I'll just stick to browsing So you don't have a catalog? Ahoy there again Captain! It be my fine young nautical friend. Now what be ye a wantin'? The captain 'e don't like books. Not since that incedent with the slightly morose angler fish The slightly morose angler fish? Hey..I just want to know what you sell Ah that fair takes me back The captain ain't told the tale of the slightly morose angler fish since.. Look this isn't a long story is it? Ah it be as long as the ocean's wide Right well is that the time? Ah can't the Captain tell the short version? The one that only takes an afternoon? Hey I'm sure it's riveting but I'll catch it later Ah the Captain sells everythin' a salty sea dog would need on the lurching seas. Floats. Hooks. Nets. Sickness pills Cool! The're just what I need I'll be back when I need something Now hold on me young mariner. The Captain needs to see some ID ID? Ah yes the Captain's affiliated to the ancient guild of mariners, fisherfolk and men with chunky jumpers, 'e couldn't sell anythin' to someone who wasn't a member So how do I join? Hey those are the breaks. Catch you later The Captain needs a photo of me young poopdeck's fizzog Fizzog? Face. Countenance. The captain needs a photo of yer crows nest And then? Then after signin' ye name in the blackest of black squid ink ye too can join the guild, and receive a complimentary fishing net as used by all seafaring folk who ever cast a line Hey this sounds like the club for me. I'll be back! No. Though the Captain won't sleep easy tonight knowin' such devilish things are abroad Hey that's my friend you're insulting! The Captain apologises but ye fair took the wind from his sails Yeah well thanks for nothing Ah the Captain has more tales than a sweet gaggle of mermaids Yeah well I've got to find my friend Can't 'e stay for just one of the Captain's stories? Hey some other time! Catch you later How's the guild stuff going Captain? Argh it's grand me young deckhand So are ye wantin' to be a joinin'? Hey I'd love too but I don't have the photo 'Tis a pity for it be a grand day to feel the swell beneath the decks and the salt wind in yer souwester Hey don't worry. I'll be back soon Hey Captain I've got the photo an I wanna join the guild Argh! That be a fine likeness Now it's all hands to the mainsail to sign ye name Does that mean I'm a member? That ye be with the presentation of the sailor's friend Thank's Captain. This is just what I need To sing sea shanties and talk about nets Argh! Ye be a boy after the Captain's heart However I've just remembered something And what be that me young barnacle bill? I've got a large wet fish to catch Then the Captain wishes ye well Hey I've already got a photo! Ahoy there Captain! What? Captain? Where? I'm just Billy Hey aren't you the Captain? He's behind you Who me? I'm just an apprentice An apprentice? At your age? It takes a lifetime's experience to be a fisherman I mean it takes years just to knit the chunky jumpers My Uncle Albert was eighty two when he finally finished his apprenticeship Really. This is fascinating Hey! No time to chat. Catch you later Honestly? Would you like to hear a tale about my cruel mistress.. The sea? Er..Maybe later. Much later Oh go on. I've learnt them all. Stories about big fish Small fish. Petulant fish. Fish who don't return your calls Hey. You know I'll catch them all later There's nothing behind but nasty smelly slimy nets Nasty slimy nets? You can't be much of a fisherman Er no. I really wanted to be an accountant All those lovely figures. Spreadsheets. Double entry book keeping Debiting. Crediting. Oh makes my heart sing just to think of such things Right. Yes. I can understand that I'm looking for my friend. Have you seen him? Friend? We fisherfolk don't have much time to socialise The only living thing I've talked to in nigh on forty days was an overfriendly haddock Hey those are the breaks. Thanks anyway Do you have a warehouse security pass? I do. All Tate employees have one So could I get a job on your boat? I'm not sure I'd want to work for Tate Hey thanks for the information Why not? There's plenty of perks when you work for Tate Such as? I'm sure there are but I'm not interested Oh there's lots..We get five minutes holiday on Tate's birthday whether we need one or not. There's the "I loveTate" badge the Tate tee shirt, mug, fondue set.. Hey I get the picture Oh yes there's the signed picture of Tate. The.. Look. I'll go away and think about it. Thanks Ahoy there Billy! Oh right. Ahoy. Yes Hmm well you're a bit young You couldn't come back in forty years? Well no I really need the job now I just don't know. You'd have to be in the fishermen's guild Hey it's sorted already And there's the fishing rod. A fishermen's got to have a fishing rod Yeah no problem And there's the waterproof You can't be a fisherman without a yellow waterproof rain thingy Hmmm..Okay And finally there's the fish identification book Very important your fish identification book Can't catch something if you don't know what it looks like So if I get all these I'll be a fishermen? I don't see why not. It worked for me Hold onto your sou'wester I'll be right back (SIGHS) That's what they all say You can! No. Of course not Hey Billy. What fishing gear do I need? Look. It's easy. Fishing rod Yellow waterproof rain thingy. Book of fish.. That's what I wanted to know! ..Trawler. Forty years experience An intimate knowledge of popular sea shanties.. Hey I get the message ..An interesting scar. Silly hat Three foot beard.. That's enough already. Catch you later Hey Billy I've got the gear Rod. Book. Yellow waterproof rain thingy Hmm well I reckon you'll make a fishermen So do I get the Tate security pass? I don't see why not. Take this to the warehouse to be authorised and report back here Aye Aye Captain! So have you been to the warehouse? Not yet Billy Then hurry sailor for we leave on the morning tide Hey Billy I've got some of the stuff I need You can't be a fishermen without all the gear So can I still have a job? Nope. When you've got all the gear. Many's the..Many's the.. Many's the sailor who never came back because he just weren't properly prepared Okay. I'll be right back Um.. Whoa! He's older than Methusala's Y-fronts! Hey! What's your game, you varmit? Tryin' to do away with somethin'? What do you take me for? I was only looking. It is a museum I thought I'd look at some old relics Well sonny..Ah reckon a midget with zits 'bout fits the bill Hey! Don't get personal. You got a problem man? Yeah well..that's the trouble What's the trouble? What are you talking about? Hey, gotta go! Later! Lookin' after these here exhibits in the exhibition Why is that a problem? See the star exhibit sonny? Yeah Ah've bin watchin' over that 24 hours a day. I ain't had no shut eye Is it very valuable? Roller skates aren't a fashion disaster Well you were asleep when I came in here Okay, I'll catch you later! Not in bucks, but to them there train spotters Hey, man, that is rare! Now leave me be sonny. Ahm busy I'll catch you later, old-dude BLANK They were when I wore them Yeah I could imagine that. Catch you later Yeah sure Yeah, I was having this dream where I was on one of them there vacations.. Then dream on dude! I reckon I don't know. Give me a clue Forget it Forget what? Everything Yeah, and you can look but don't touch. And no sniffin' the whale! Sniffing the whale...? Yeah, we've already worn out three this week Why don't you go back to sleep? Who owns this museum anyway? How long have you worked here? Okay, I'll let you get back to sleep Sleep! Chance would be a fine thing Barryville City Council Who's the top man there? Mr Tate, who else I can't seem to escape that name Ah guess ah've always been here. Mah mummy's over there Yeah, well I've seen loads of mummies in museums but no daddies Sonny, that joke's so old we've got it on display with the dinosaurs And ah'll be the last, if yer keep yakkin' like that Sorry if I've disturbed you Well it's a lot of good being sorry. Ah'll never drop off now it's like..like..something really rare Tell me about the roller skates Ah'd keep quite about them sonny They'se 'bout the most embarrasin' thing a critter could ever wear with Barbara Bush. And Nancy Reagan. Phewee! Dang nabbit! Hey wake up. I want to talk! Mutter..mumble..mutter Hey! I guess he's out for the count Hi, there. How you doing? I've never seen you before. What are you doing around here? I'm looking for a friend of mine I'd like a job as a fisherman I was wondering, what's in the warehouse? Nothing, just looking at the boats Hey! I've just remembered something! Gotta go! What's your friends name? Professor Goonhilly Er..Pro..Professor Goonhilly?. N..No..No professors around here Are you sure about that? N..N..Nervous, me? Ha ha ha! That's not nerves it's fish fever Fish fever? What's that? Like who? Thanks! Catch you later Well, you know hay fever? Yeah It's a bit like that but it smells Oh..Right Try the crew on the trawlers Who's in charge on the trawlers? Billy Dosser Billy Dosser? What sort of name's that? What does this guy look like? It's a name fit for a hero And does he look the heroic type? He looks like a fisherman, direct from central casting Okay, thanks You a fisherman! Ha Ha Billy would use you for bait Billy Dosser? Who's he? He's the head crewman on the trawlers Well, it's a good job you're a security guard and not a fisherman Lucky for you I'm not a fisherman! Who's your cousin, the doorman at Kindergarten? I'll bet you still suck your thumb People around here are so violent No, the bouncer at Big Al's Right, so intellect is a family trait? No. We've never had our photograph taken together Why is that? Camera shy? Ha Ha Ha! I guess cameras with panoramic views weren't invented Beat it kid, or you'll wind up as fish bait Hey better fish food than fish face You'll be chewing my fist if you don't get lost It's a violent world kid. Now beat it Hey, I've just remembered I've left the gas on. Catch you later Nothing that would interest you lad. Mr Tate stopped the guided tours Well, I am an employee Lets see your security pass then Maybe later You'd better move along lad. Mr Tate doesn't like people snooping around Why's that? Got something to hide has he? I'm not snooping around. I'm boat spotting Mr Tate's a good man Take it easy dude, I was only asking Yeah, I think you've asked enough questions for one day Boat spotting? Yeah, that's similar to train spotting but more boring Sure, like watching paint dry.. Counting the grains of sand on the beach.. The blades of grass at the park.. The leaves on a tree.. The moon on a sunny day.. This conversation The sta...You what! Sheesh, what a bozo! I'm outta here Hi, It's me again I can see that. What do you want? I've got to get something from the warehouse I've told you once you can't get in without a.. Okay, wise guy. Go on in. You know I just love it when a plan comes together You sounded pretty nervous when I mentioned his name... Why don't you ask someone else? He does all the hiring and firing for Mr Tate, but he hires men not boys Now watch your lip kid or..I'll get my cousin That's why I'm here. The only people allowed in are employees and if you know what's good for you you'll show some respect Hey! How's it going You again..And they said it would be exciting being a security guard I'd enjoy bashing your head against the side of a boat Can I get in the warehouse? I've told you before. There's nothing in there Now hop it while you still can Yeah well, I was getting bored anyway Wow! This place is larger than the Taj Mahal! Yes, I need the space for my bits and bobs Thanks I just love looking through junk..Er sorry..Bits and bobs Please be my guest What's the story on the elephant? You must be lonely living by your self? How did you get this great big box? Right thanks, catch you later Fido, was a close and trusted friend. Sad. Very sad I thought you said I could have what I like? That is true my good friend It's a good job you didn't try for children What about the Wellington boot? And why might that be? I despair for the youth of yesterday.. It belonged to a one legged gardener, who suffered from athletes foot What about the crown? How about the old woman or the box? The crown..That was placed in my possession by an overthrown King Are you sure you're not making all this up? As sure as that painting is the Mona Lisa That's not the Mona Lisa! I never said I was an art expert Do you want the painting? No Then can I have it? I'm looking after it for someone. Sorry Alas, the box belongs to the old woman What did the old lady keep in the box? Then how did you come by the painting? I'll bet you're looking after that lobster pot for Moby Dick? Her antique mango collection! Would you like to see it? No thanks The director used my home to store things Hitchcock? Bless you No. I found that pot one night last week. Strange that.. What was so strange? I heard truck just outside the park, and voices two male and one female And? I saw a large truck driving away and this pot must have fallen off So, it fell of the back of a truck? Yes. One can only guess that the truck came from the docks Gee, thanks. I prefer lobsters to crabs Not really Why not? I talk to myself Do you answer yourself? Do you think I am mad? Er..Er..No. Not at all. I talk to myself all the time I used to teach origami for outward bound That's fine but what if it rains? I'm an expert at papier mache Hasta La Vista, useless-junk-collection-dude Right thanks. Catch you later I would like to repay you for the food that you gave to me Look around, see if there is anything that may be of use to you Fido must have been the only African elephant to ever die Bungee Jumping I loved that elephant, we'll never be parted Would you be so cruel as to part a lonely man from his one and only true love? Every time I look at that Wellington it makes me laugh I couldn't part with that Hey I can understand that King Fanto Magumba Olager Strange name for a man considering he was born in Croydon Never the less, I gave him my word that I would keep the crown and should he return to power one day I would return it to him who was squashed when Fido was Bungee Jumping. In her day she was a star She appeared in a film called "The Cute Bunnies Have a Nice Picnic" The painting was a prop in the film which was financed by King Fanto Magumba Olager The film so frightened his people they throw him out of the country Then I heard shouting. I went to look That's the only place where lobster pots can be found You can have it if you wish Have you seen this person? Have you seen my friend the professor? Hey! Lola's matches from Big Al's bar This should help me find my way around It's a bar of Sud-U-Like soap. My favourite! Ouch! They're not as safe as they look They're alright if you pull them quickly The Gidyun book of fish. There's one in every hotel room It's the Daily Yak The tastiest sticky bun I've ever seen Just an average iron bucket I should catch something with this Mmmmm! Made with 100% something or other Billy G's Sounds of the Seventies! Cool! A genuine Barryville dollar piece I'd hate to imagine what these were used for Lobsters really live in these things? I think it's smiling at me Hey! Aren't branches fractal objects or something? It's twice as long as half it's length Fashion disaster alert! Well it's an improvement I suppose Boudicea's skates. You can see where the wheel spikes went A commemoration of Olaf Particle and his wrestling prawns This is great for executive stress relief A teabag that is completely water proof. Neat! You could use this to see in the dark It's a good likeness but not of me Not bad huh? 10 out 10 for inventiveness The tropical chainsaw fish. A very rare species Just an average iron bucket..With water in This should get me places I'll treasure this for ever and ever This is not your ordinary everyday digital watch I guess it's some kind of electronic key This smells of rum. No wonder that guy was asleep It's empty now. Oh well You know this reminds me of my old headmaster Bertrand Tepid "Gargles Beethoven's greatest hits". Cool It has state of the art buttons and things but no battery Well the tape doesn't appear to be turning.. It's working but there's still something missing Testing. One. Two. Hey it works! I wonder if someone actually has a nose like this? Here's the key to a cupboard. It's a cupboard key This is a safe key. But safe from what? I've never seen a Dug dance. This should be good Wow a pink thing! This'll replace my blue thing I can only think of a few uses for one of these Well it's a certainly a lot smaller It's power to the people It's tuned to the weather station Without batteries? It won't work It's a space hopper with a deflated ego We could go places with this The hula girl pizza company. The're my rivals! One of these rang me once. It was a crank call Pink chewing gum? Who left this here? I hope I never meet the owner of this Hey! This is almost as sharp as me A can of my least favourite beverage Hmm now what could we use this for? I'd like to see the chopper fly without this A washer handcrafted in solid steel The cuckoo seems to have fled the nest Shhh you shouldn't disturb nesting birds A fanless fan? Very useful Hey how ingenious! Who makes these things? Now what could I use these for? Glue that'll stick anything, can I get the top off? A scared chicken isn't that an oxymoron or something? These were gloves at first sight Nail. Nine inches. What else do you need to know? The greatest roller skate ever made. Honest I really don't think it would suit There's a head shaped dent in it These look familiar I've always wondered why they call it pool A stick of white chalk. This reminds me of school Big. Red. Full of Air. Just like an old teacher of mine You know what they say about cuckoos? No me neither You ever wondered about the size of my pockets? I don't think Ms. Cluck is going to miss this What's with all this unstylish clothing? A clothes peg? Well it could prove useful Don't fish ever use deodorant? And people wear these as trousers? Don't they usually flock together? Don't eat it! I don't want to go to that dentist Hey! Now I'm a real yuppy I wonder what's happening in the world? It's a complimentary book of matches A medicine cabinet of curiosities Hey! A tea-chest of drawers! I don't think it's been washed in months Yuk! It has more rings than Saturn *R I wouldn't want to sleep in that It seems happy, but you can never tell with elephants An original copy of some guy's painting I'm sure something moved in there She's probably been here for years An ancient ceremonial crown of kings long gone *E There's some tempting wares on display I wouldn't risk going in there *M It looks dark and foreboding down there I think we're being watched I'd like to see the cake that was in there Even swag bags have to be washed sometime It leads back to the hotel room They've been thrown away for a good reason I guess this is where the flour is kept A guy could get paranoid about this Cake? Soap? Well why not? They look so happy together It's a pity that there's no sticky buns in there It looks like it's in full working order Apparently it's a delicacy There's bread a baking in there This was fresh from the oven last week I guess this is where the baker pounds his dough Hey! this baker uses a lot of flour Do you think I could get out this way? *E *E It's a way out of here *E *E A seedy rundown bar with peanuts I guess you get all sorts in here Staff only. Perhaps we should get a job here What? After we spent so long getting in? I can't think what those cakes are doing here A reminder of the Birdman of Alcafraz The conditions in here aren't very sanitary It's a superfly for a superfly guy The mysterious rainbow trout It's not a barrel of laughs but a barrel of worms *E Wow! A five speed quadraphonic SupaBlasta Black leather. Wicked! *E *E *E *E *E *E *E I'm not going back in there There doesn't seem to be a queue I wouldn't want his job *E It's covered in the dentist's tools *E *E They suck your soul out, and you have to wait four minutes A sponge for a counter? Cool! Well it is quicker by drain *E I think that's someone's home A monument to Bob Connor whoever he is It's an ordinary stand pipe made from zinc A sprinkler I think. Gardening's not my scene It's a pot plant. What more can I say *E *E It's seems to be set for lunch *E *M It's mans best inflatable friend I don't think I'll get in that way Do you know who invented the roller door? Me neither Fin's ain't what they used to be for this shark Extremely useful things. Probably It's a ladder down to a trawler *E *M They always hover when you read a newspaper *M *M *E *E *E *E *E *E Woah Spooky or what? *E It's a way back to the antechamber Tate's a real egomaniac *E At least some things never change It's an Edison original Wooden. Square. It's either the counter or the shopkeeper *E It needs some serious dusting He's certainly seen better days *E *E Hey it's a brick counter. So what? Brimming with goods. It's a shame I don't like DIY They're special pun saws It seems to be missing something I wonder why? *E Just your average dentistry laser cannon It's a hole in a useless hose *E What great brushwork! I think I can see a train in the distance Now this is art that I can relate to Hey! It leads back to Seedy street. So what? Is this a way in? A window cleaner's platform. For window cleaners *E *E Go this way to get out of here It's a white knuckle ride to the ground floor An open skylight? Hmmm *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E *E You'd get square eyes watching this Just press for Channel One Press to watch Channel Two Button. Push. Channel Three. Okay? On and Off. Just like that *E *E I don't think it'll work Hmm. The cleaners need to pay a visit Hey. That guy's initials get everywhere I guess Tate must start them young *E It's an important monitor *E Woah! It's an altar to Tate's greatness He seems to be enjoying himself *E Spot the lie *E Well it's different to last time *E *M Hey great view! Exciting composition or what? Steps down into the depths of the earth I'd strongly advise going that way *E Hey what happened to his face? He should see an orthodontist I guess Tate's not an art lover Does bad clothing have a long half life? There just isn't the same variety is there? I guess the're not speaking to each other Woah what happened here? Gee and I thought it was run down before It's still staff only What you really want to go back to Seedy street? Hey! Who watches the watchtower? It's tacky. It's tasteless. I love it Tate's not a big Bob Connor fan I wonder if the're hardy perennials? Woah a major nuclear project right here in Barryville *M He's certainly seen better days *M It's not environmentally friendly is it? There's an idea for a sequel! Treasure Island Bud Tucker It's square. It's brown. It's a box Well it's different What composition! What style! A masterpiece Back to the overworld away from here It's a dark dank yet strangely mysterious tunnel *M *E It's lost weight since last time It's one of those plot device air vents *E I guess this is where they dump their junk It's left end of the tunnel It's the right end of the tunnel *E *E *E Hey this corridor continues further It's seems like quite a walk It's a mean lean green submarine *E It's a large red number three. Could be significant *E Walk this way back to the subway tunnel Ah how sweet I don't think The're just your average wooden bunk beds *E *E Hey! It's a genuine antique. Possibly It's back to the top of the corridor Woah! Cool plant This'll get your whites really white It's a cerebrally challenged waiter *E *E This must be the heart of Tate's operation *E Over the ocean blue back to the docks It's round. It's a hole. It must be a way in Don't these guys realise that green submarines suck? *E So this is where Tate gets his ideas It's round. It's a hole. It must be a way out *E *E Hey! I think something's trapped in there Woah! Computer games! *E It's all done with mirrors you know Just what is it with these tentacles? *E It's a Watt and Pritney 60cc submarine engine A button. Gee I wonder what would happen if I pressed it? Look it's a very unexciting cupboard. Okay? You can't tune a piano but you can tuna fish It leads back to the docks *E Doesn't anyone do cans of coke? It's one of those dark mysterious tunnels *E Hi-Tech. Plastic. It's some sort of security terminal *E *E Grey. Boring. Let's look at something exciting Hey! It's the captain's chair. Now where's the captain's log? A portrait of the captain's mom This Tate guy likes his luxuries Ugly. Mean. It's a good likeness Why are they called French windows? Perhaps it's the accent *E *M It'll get us off the trawler It's an oxygen bottle Hey! How'd you describe a door A way out of this place Gee I can't think where this leads It's a doorway obviously It's a strange rectangular hole of some kind Door. Go through door. It's real easy I'd have to check the map What? After all the trouble it took getting inside I only wish it were that easy I'll have to find the exit first Let's get back to the mall first You really want to leave this place? Hey why not stay here and mellow out? I agree let's find the exit That'll be easy when we find the exit So you don't feel like staying here? It's the hotel rules No jelly juggling after midnight Trout tickling strictly forbidden No licking the walls between meals Camels must be kept on a leash Standing on one leg is strictly forbidden Rubbing lemon sorbet into the bedsheets is forbidden Turtles must only be turned clockwise on Saturday Cress must not be grown on the bath towels There is no calling the cleaner Arthur All legumes must be handed over at reception Hmm Let's see..What is it the professor wants? A wind machine A land sailboard. Strange One match An inflated bladder. Bizarre One example of domestic fowl A sharp point of some description One tray or similar A clockwork mechanism Gloves. Two One Bowling ball A tube Hula girl outfits (medium) One empty pizza box Well this shouldn't prove too difficult Look in the dictionary under "cool", and you'll find a picture of me Well, by the apron and the smell, I'd guess he was a baker I've seen some shady guys in my time, but this guy's the Duke of Dubious... What bold use of colour! What challenging concepts! The guy's a genius! Quick! Call the zoo! Tell them one of their gorillas has escaped! Wow, what a babe! I'm in love... A Bunny Boy? Well, I suppose this is the age of equality A regular beat cop. The kind that would beat you. Regularly This guy looks familiar... Proof that God didn't make man in his own image Obviously one of Barryville's friendlier residents He looks like a real salty sea dog. Smells like one too An intelligent, attentive guy... not! A real cool soul brother Woah, a serial killer! This guy's one of Barryville's more normal residents Gee, what a sweet old lady! This guy is the High Priest of Hobo. And he's got really bad body odour! Well, he looks the part... He looks like Vera, just a couple of steps further up the evolutionary scale There must be one great story in there... Well, he's in the right place... A high class street vendor. Remind me to count my teeth before I go As always, ice cool and every inch the hero Argh! Bigfoot in a dress! I guess she's never seen a dug dance... A mountain with legs! What is it with bad guys and stupid uniforms? Is it just me, or is that a 300 pound gorilla in a hat? Industrious kinda guy Imprisonment haven't affected the Prof. Still as craz- er..inspired as ever Hey, I know I look good, but this isn't really gonna get us anywhere, is it? Woah! This guy's got serious problems! And I don't mean his weight! He seems like a responsible citizen They seem to start shopping earlier every year... This guy was weird before Tate got to him! Has Royston been cloned? No! There's no way anyone could reproduce that smell! I thought he'd have retired by now The prof learnt all he knows from Einstein. Stanley Einstein from Bootle What is it with bad guys and stupid uniforms? Hmm...I've seen this guy somewhere before... Grunt won the "Sychophantic Gameshow Host" Award six times running! Hey, it's the King! Wow, a regal Egyptian babe! Nice dress, dude I don't see anything. Oh! You mean those inconspicuous store detectives! This guy proves Darwin's Theory... I suppose this guy only gets out at weekends... Somebody give this guy a job. He oozes talent! Well, I hope it's talent... Hey, what a sweet kid... Woah, that's one chick I wouldn't mess with! Seen one chicken waiting for dental treatment, you've seen 'em all Hey, I know 70's chic is cool, but being a 70 year old geek..? Sorry, I can't do that That's impossible I see reality has eluded you. Again Next! You want me to do what? Hey, that sounds surreal Try something else I'm calling the men in the white coats! Nurse! You're totally insane, dude Uh-huh.. It's a good thing I've enough brains for both of us Excuse me? Hey buddy, try this one: Use brain to think of sensible suggestion Open is a tricky concept Just as well I have the brains and you have the looks I can't see a handle I see no way to open it The lights are on but know ones at home All these pointless suggestions Do you play computer games often? Aw, gimme a break.. Close what? There's nothing open Try something else May I suggest an alternative use of our time Are you feeling all right? Why don't you close your mouth? I can't close that Yeah, right Any more bright ideas? Er... No I guess they only let you out at weekends How could I do that? Any more suggestions like that and I'll have you committed That's a stupid idea No, I'll keep it for now I'll keep that I'm gonna save it for later I'm not giving that away I'm not giving away all of my goodies My need is greater than their's I'm gonna hold on to that Let's not be too generous No, I might have use of it later That's not a good idea, I should keep it That's too useful to give away I don't think I could live without it It's not Christmas, I'll keep it I'll hang on to it for now Try something else I don't think my gift would be appreciated I can't carry that around It's not my type What did you last servant die of? I can't pick that up Come off it Do you really think I need it to find the Professor? I really don't need it What would I need that for? No way! You want it, you get it Hey man, take my advice: stay off the drugs The Caffeine must be making you hyper active You've flipped I don't need it I'm not a kleptomaniac! I'd better not Pick that up? No way! That's going nowhere I can't move that! Where would you want me to put it? I don't want to, Okay? That would be pointless I'm a kid, not a removal man It's not in my job description I can't move that. It's fine where it is Get a life... I don't fancy touching it Move it where? It's not my place to rearrange things Moving that wouldn't solve our problems Would moving that really help us find the Professor? Hey it looks cleaner already That was quite a trip This should provoke a response Now what could we do with this? Woah! My life is complete Great! It's not exactly four star Now I enjoyed doing that Bizarre plot device huh!? I don't think he can hear Hey I'm in the guild! Let's go put this to use Hole in one! This'll go toward the deposit on a sports car I think I need shades! Hey this is quite a pad! Don't try this at home kids Neat job huh? Great lateral thinking huh? And I have to put this into my pocket? I don't think he even noticed Sshh..This'll be a surprise That was like taking candy from a baby The magnetic field was stronger than I thought Why did I get out of bed this morning? This should have some effect on the crew Hey an instant life preserver It looks like a key of some sort Hey this is embarrassing but I can't swim At least clockwork is environmentally friendly This will save me getting wet That water must have been ultra hot And for my next trick Well it wasn't dignified but I got the card We have power! Another top ten hit recorded Gee they seem hypnotised by the Dug's syncopated rhythm Hey I should be a cat burglar I guess it's the wrong key It's an outrageous fashion statement Well this shouldn't pose any problems Let's get the professor and get out of here Hey why not? It's as good a way as any Escape through the air vent? What a great plan Look are you really sure about this? Hey not while they're watching Gee Tate's very security minded Hey they have some use after all! This watch sure is useful. Pity it's stopped Let's go! Why don't they design bigger lifts Now it's as good as new I think we'll take the train next time Hey! It's jammed stuck It just won't open I'll be saving someone pain Hey! We're locked out This isn't going anywhere Hey! Comedy slapstick! Going down! There must be an easier way to save the world That was shocking! Woah! I ain't going no further dude! That muzak sucks If silence was golden I'd be rich! Now down to business! Hey! I don't want to wear something so unfashionable I'm only doing this because everyone else is wearing one Woah! I'm taking the coat off before going out there Let's see what happens now.. It's locked. Typical criminal mastermind Hey it's almost as good as new Hey! Where'd the cuckoo go? Well that's the museum open again What strange behaviour What a couple of bozos Hey I think I got it dirty again Stand back! Clear the area! Woah! No way am I going down there! Well okay. Just don't tell anyone I did this Hey worm! How's it going? Never better. Thanks for asking So what are you doing? I'm looking for my friend Have seen anything suspicious recently? I need a favour. Can you help? Digging the vent tunnel for mineshaft eleven Mineshaft eleven? What is it you're mining? That's interesting but I've got to go That's right. One of thirty five And the're an engineering miracle if I do say so myself Pre-Stressed concrete cross beams. Overhead steel cored support.. Woah..Hey..That's enough You don't want to hear about the twin bored pneumatic earthmover? Er..No Well okay then Well it's your loss I'll take the chance Well the twin bored pneumatic earthmover.. Actually.. Yes? I've just remembered an urgent appointment Yeah right..Sure.. I'll come back. Honest That's what they all say Hey worm I'm back To hear about the twin bored pneumatic earthmover? Er yeah..Hey why not? Ooh..This is a dream come true So let's go! Well the twin bored pneumatic earthmover is a pneumatic earthmover with twin bores. Marvellous don't you think? Yeah that was..that was very educational I aim to please Well thanks for everything He look's strangely familiar..Ah yes..! I saw him with Mr Tate some time ago Here in the park? Was he tied up? Hey thanks for the information You're welcome! You know Tate? Yes. Nasty man. I wouldn't trust him. His ears are too close together Don't you mean eyes? I know what I mean Well thanks for the information Like a parcel The poor Professor. I've got to find him somehow Well anything I can do to help Thanks I'll remember that Over there behind the statue Did you see what happened? No sorry. I'm only a little worm But a little worm with a big heart Hmm I think I'm going to be sick Gee thanks. But that's what you get when you try to bond with a worm I did see a big evil crow hiding in the rhododendrons Hmm not quite what I had in mind What about a fat sparrow with a hungry grin? Can sparrows grin? They can when they spot lunch Lunch? Look do I have to spell it out? No I think I can guess. Well thanks anyway Anytime Yeah why not! It involves a fishing rod.. A fishing rod? Am I going to like this Yeah I need to become a fisherman. And I need a fishing rod Will it hurt? You won't feel a thing Well okay then..Though I think I may regret this Hi worm I'm back! Hey it's the giant again Can't stop things to do! Trade secret I'm afraid Can't you give me a tiny clue? Hmmm..I don't really know..Well alright then.. Great so what is it! A new expressway to Hawaii. It'll revolutionize the tourist industry Won't that take a long time? Few thousand years. Give or take a decade Hey I'll book my ticket now to avoid the rush. Thanks for everything Hey! What you up to? Er..Nothing. Just admiring the view Well..Just don't try anything funny Who? Me? Hey Mr Brain! I`m Bud. How`s it hanging? Hanging? Hmmm street dialect. Late twentieth century. Interesting I shall modify my speech output in order to make myself understood It is cool Daddy-O. Groove to the max and give me some skin A simple hello would have been enough Hiü!ü üIüt`s Bud again. What`s new? Sentient life..pull ring soda cans..pre-pasted wallpaper What are you? Have you seen my friend? I am the brain that knows everything. Tourist information a speciality Gee everything? üThat`s cool Everything?ü üYeah and I`m a tuna sandwhich Hey that`s interesting. Catch you later Indeed. There is nothing to which I do not know üthe answer So can you tell me the meaning of life? How do you achieve world peace? Can you stop pizzas burning your mouth? I would advise waiting until they were cold I`ll try that one sometime. You`ve been a great help Beü nice to one another. Smile more. It`s very simple Hey that`s truly profound. You should be on television Would you like the complex sociological geo-political explanation? Or an answer that you`ll actually understand? Er..The complex version I`d like to hear the second answer I think I`ll pass. Catch you later Sarcasm ill befits you little one. When I say everything, I mean everything Hey don`t short a synapse. I believe you. Honest Tell me about Barryville A coastal town, Barryville was founded by twins Romulus and Barry Suckled, so legend has it by a giant maternally minded lobster Are there any nightspots? Not during the day. And then generally the entire city after that No. I mean Clubs..Places of entertainment..Hip happening venues Hmm..Areas where the population can gather for recreational activities? The very same There is the famous no hole golf course for those of an uncompetitive nature Not really what I had in mind What about the club for people with no sense of direction? Where`s that? No-one has ever found where they meet. Including the members Well you`ve been great. Keep it up. Catch you later Are there any good restaurants? There is of course the world renowned Le Tastee poisson An epicure`s delight with only a forty two year waiting list as disincentive Hmm I don`t have that long Then there is the What`s your Beef? steak house Whose chef is proud to use the bits that others throw away I don`t feel hungry all of a sudden. Thanks anyway Describe the shops in the mall There is of course the ubiquitous Burger The same fake smiles and homogenized product found in every city It is the factory system applied to food preparation. Absolutely ghastly Though I do admit a weakness for their delicious Whammy Burger and Fries What about the other shops? There is the Captain`s fishing tackle shop A more honourable man has not sailed the seven seas Though it is not advisable to stand downwind unless you have a particular liking for haddock. Popular with cats though Thanks. That`s what I wanted to know Anymore? Avoid the dentist What? In general? No..Only the particular dentist of this mall It is good when one enjoys one`s work, but not in his case Any other information There is an excellent record shop Stocked with what I believe is known to aficionados as popular music Which I am informed is not wholly unpleasant to listen to Anything else? And then there is Plugs. A plug shop for all your plug needs That`s all I need to know. Catch you later Is Mary Putty really up to the job? Mary Putty has all the qualifications necessary for a career in tourist information Over qualified if you ask me In all the years she has served not one tourist has ever returned A record we can all be proud of The`re probably lost forever Yeah I can see that. Catch you later It is desirable to have excitement and adventure whilst on vacation Take that young Norwegian fellow Mary once gave directions to Only wanted to find a good hotel. Ended up being first to the South Pole Now that was a holiday to remember Well I can see you and Mary have a lot in common. Catch you later Can you tell me where the docks are? Certainly. Leave the mall. Turn left. Left again. Left twice more Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Left. Right. Down. Right. Left Left at the man standing on the corner. Right. And then Left. Got that? No problem. Catch you later. I think Can you tell me where the park is? Leave the mall. Follow the road as long as you think necessary Turn left as often as needbe. Follow whichever signs you prefer Then walk as far as you think fitting for a summers day It is then you shall find all that you seek Great directions. I wish I hadn`t asked Have you seen my friend, the professor? Hmmm. Interesting. He is missing in some way? Kidnapped A noble Nobel nobbled? Something like that Unfortunately I do not know his whereabouts However I shall cogitate on the matter at some length Fear not I shall aid you in the discovery of your friend Thanks I feel better all ready. Catch you later Have you located the professor yet? Sadly the location still eludes my senses That`s the way it goes. Thanks anyway It`s like this. Each life is a journey Yeah and? That`s it. But at least it`s understandable What more do you want? Relevance? Well it`d be a start Sorry times up. Any more questions? Not right now. Thanks for nothing Epistemologically, true meaning can only be achieved through application of.. Woah..Hey! Non-temporal existential thought and behavioural patterns Yeah I can see that.. To be is not to be. To do is to be. To be is to do. Do bee do bee do Right..That makes sense Did Nietzsche not say he wouldn`t join a club that would have him as a member? How pertinent an explanation of the human condition I feel better all ready. Thanks for everything Have you heard of Dick Tate? Dick Tate? Ahh yes. Desperate to be a Barryville high flyer Cunning. Nefarious. Underhand. A cheat and rascal Voted most likely to take over the world in his school yearbook He would stop at nothing to grasp the power of life or death wielded only by presidents, royalty or school games masters Not a nice guy huh? Not even within throwing distance Well thanks for your time. Got things to do Pizza U Like. A song, a smile and an anchovy pizza Ah Bud. It is finished. My greatest creation complete Is that the mystery invention you've had hidden away? It most certainly is Make haste to my laboratory with one of your special pizzas Sure thing professor I'll start grating the chocolate right away! Ah Bud! Come in. Come in. You've bought the pizza? Excellent! So professor where's this new invention of yours? All in good time my dear Bud. Let me take the pizza Wow! It looks great professor but what does it do? Do? Watch this! Hey that's impressive! You've invented a machine to destroy pizza's Ah my dear Bud the demonstration is only half complete It's a duplication machine! Precisely But how? What? It's really quite simple Bud. You've heard of quantum theory? The indeterminancy effect? Woah professor spare me the physics! Just think of the possibilities! You could solve the world's food problems! Double the number of pizza's baked in day! Though I'd have to be copied to deliver them all.. I'm sorry Bud but copying people just isn't possible It seems to be something to do with brainwave patterns but anyone copied would have no memory and would have to be taught everything again Perhaps it is just as well Imagine if someone copied a chat show host Ah Professor, my dear chap It was an unfortunate mistake to use a public telephone line Not the most secure means of communicating All one needs is a simple wire tap. Isn't that right Egbert? Yeah boss it was real easy, all I needed was a... Shut up Egbert. Shut up. Shut up..This is my bit! What is it you want? I have no money Money? Oh I want more than money. I want power. Absolute power And cats. I want all cats to be made illegal Especially white ones. The ones with long hair The smug looking ones. And your machine will give me that power As one genius to another I can only thank you effusively for delivering the means to complete my plans Egbert please escort the professor to our secret headquarters Norris secure the machine. "Big Al's strip joint. Starring Lola. Seedy street. Barryville" Hmm I wonder if that's where they've taken the professor? There's only one way to find out I've always thought I'd make hero material Seedy street. Barryville and make it snappy Just like a crocodile sandwich hur? I can see you've waited years for someone to say that. Right? Yeah well you've got to have some ambition in life Say is there a hotel in Seedy Street? I guess I'm going to have to find somewhere to stay Hotel? Seedy street? No problem I'll get you there snappier than two crocodile sandwiches I can see this is going to be a long trip