HPAVC/HPAVC CD-ROM.iso/pc/COD.ZIP/COD-JOKE

Text File | 1996-06-19 | 30.5 KB | 779 lines

76
[0]
UNLIKELY SAVIORS
Los Angeles, Calif. - A suicidal man who handcuffed himself before
plunging off a pier was rescued by Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss,
Dr. Steve Hoefflin (Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon), and TV
medical reporter Dr. Bruce Hensel. While attending a function, they
heard a splash and saw the unidentified man who had made the
15-metre leap into the Pacific Ocean. Hoefflin jumped into the
water while Fleiss and Hensel called 911.
Wonder how much Heidi charges for mouth-to-mouth?
[1]
DOUBTLESS, THE TOE TAGS ARE COMPLIMENTARY
Lexington, Ky. - The Best Western Gratz Park Inn claims to have a
couple of ghosts. It used to be a morgue.
"Would you like two doubles, a king-sized bed, or a slab?"
[2]
A VERY BAD HAIR DAY
Barrie, Ont. - An unidentified 17-year-old woman getting ready
for a wedding - furious that her bangs were cut too short -
chopped off the stylist's hair in a wild melee. The woman, who
had originally even given a tip, returned and got a refund but
remained unsatisfied. The hairdresser received a minor cut and
four bald spots during the fracas. The woman faces two charges
of assault with a weapon.
Hair today, gone tomorrow, hmmmm?
[3]
PROOF THAT THE WORLD MUST BE ENDING SOON
New York, N.Y. - A new English translation of the New Testament
will eliminate references to God the Father, turn the Son of Man
into "the human one," and remove accusations that Jews killed
Christ. "The New Testament and Psalms: An Inclusive Version"
says children should not obey their parents but heed them.
Darkness is no longer equated with evil because of racist
overtones and the Lord's Prayer now begins "Our Father-Mother
in heaven."
Aw heck, why not go all the way and condone adultery, murder,
and the worship of Satan?
[4]
"WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION"
Brampton, Ont. - A 15-year-old boy has been arrested for robbing
a children's lemonade stand at knife point. The 9-year-old girls
running the stand said he bought a drink for 25 cents and then
watched the girls from across the street. A few minutes later,
he returned, asked for a refill, then pulled out a kitchen
paring knife and waved it in their faces. The girls fled in
terror and were not injured. The boy scooped up about $6 in
loose change and ran off.
Just reach for the stars, eh, kid?
[5]
DUH-H-H-H!
Portage des Sioux, Mo. - When applying for public assistance,
20-year-old Regina Louise Vaughan named a then 13-year-old as the
father of her baby. Vaughan, who regularly babysat the boy, has
been charged with statutory rape.
[6]
BABES OF THE INFOHIGHWAY
Chicago, Il. - Playboy is hitting the information highway in
search of women for a special "Girls of the Net" pictorial.
Would-be bunnies should email a clear face shot and a recent
full-length body photo in a two-piece bathing suit (or less)
to: [e-mail] (Attn: Net Girls). Participants must be
18 or over and include two I.D's showing their date of birth,
name, height, weight, measurements, phone number, and favorite
Internet sites. Those without a scanner can mail the photos
and information to Playboy Magazine (Attn: Net Girls), 680
N. Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Il, 60611.
Now we'll find out what the girls in alt.sex.kinky REALLY look
like!
[7]
LAWSUIT-HAPPY PEOPLE
Bridgeport, Conn. - The family of Jefferson Ketcham filed a
lawsuit against Cobb's Mill Inn and its waiter Paul Kane for
negligence because even though Kane drove the intoxicated Ketcham
home from the bar as a favor, he did not accompany him into the
house. Ketcham tripped on the front steps, hit his head, and died.
[8]
SOMETHING IS NOT QUITE RIGHT ABOUT THIS LAWSUIT
San Diego, Calif. - Bob Glaser, claiming he suffered "emotional
trauma" during an Elton John-Billy Joel concert, has filed a
$5.4 million lawsuit. His problem? Some women, fed up with the
long lines for the restroom, decided to use the men's room.
Glaser claimed to be "extremely upset" at the sight of a woman
in front of him using a urinal.
Most men would be willing to PAY to see a woman use a urinal.
[9]
TRYING DESPERATELY TO MAKE CRIME PAY
Chesapeake, Va. - Inmate Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5
million, claiming he had violated his religious beliefs and
civil rights by getting so drunk that he engaged in various
crimes. Since he didn't have the money to pay himself, he
requested the state to pay it on his behalf because he couldn't
work and was a ward of the state. In one of those moments of
clear judicial insight, Judge Rebecca Beach Smith dismissed the
lawsuit.
[10]
A TALE OF KARMIC JUSTICE
Toronto, Ontario - A stabbing victim discovered he was
sharing a hospital room with his alleged attacker and
pointed the man out to the police. The 19-year-old victim
was stabbed three times - once in the throat - as he was
paying for a pizza at a store. The attacker took $20 from him
and fled but several men threw rocks at the thief, hitting
him on the head. Wilbur Dexter James, 39, was charged with
robbery and assault with a weapon. Watch this space for the
attacker's followup lawsuit in which he will undoubtedly
claim unnecessary violence was used against him, that he
still suffers from persistent headaches which can only be
cured by several million dollars, and that being imprisoned
is a violation of his civil rights.
[11]
SHE'S NOT LOOKING FOR A MAN LIKE DEAR OLD DAD
Model Mia Tyler, daughter of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler, had
this to say about her dad: "He stands there and he's groping
himself and he is 46 years old. He should not be doing that.
It disgusts me. He tells me that the young kids like it."
And then parents wonder why it's so hard to get some respect
from their children...
[12]
GET INSURANCE BEFORE GOING TO THESE PLACES
London, England - The British Consumers' Association did a
survey and found that the most dangerous places for tourists
to visit were Hungary, Poland, and South Africa. The survey
of 16,000 people indicated that one in 20 visitors to these
countries are attacked. Despite a wave of recent bad publicity,
only 0.3 percent reported being mugged in Florida. I guess you
have to be Canadian to be properly attacked in the Sunshine
State.
[13]
WAL-MART CAN'T STAND THE TINIEST BIT OF HEAT
Miami, Florida - An unnamed customer complained about a
T-shirt with the slogan "Someday a woman will be president"
so a Miami Wal-Mart yanked them from the shelves. This isn't
even catering to the politically correct - this is catering
to rednecks. Probably the complainee wears T-shirts that say
things like "10 Reasons Beer is Better than Women."
[14]
ANOTHER FAIRYTALE WEDDING
Tehran, Iran - A bride who had a Western-style wedding has
been sentenced by an Islamic court to 85 lashes for dancing
with men at her wedding. The 127 guests at the wedding
received sentences of floggings or fines, and one man was
jailed. Which begs the question: What, exactly, are people
allowed to do at an Islamic wedding? Crochet? Crossword
puzzles? Shuck corn?
[15]
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
New York, N.Y. - A federal judge has ruled that Hormel Foods
Corp. cannot prevent Jim Henson Productions from using a
wild boar Muppet named SPA'AM in the Muppet Treasure Island
movie to be released in February 1996. Hormel alleged that
the depiction of the character SPA'AM as a "grotesque and
noxious appearing wild boar" that is "evil in porcine form"
would discourage people from buying the luncheon meat. U.S.
District Judge Kimba Wood said it was unlikely people would
confuse the two. Judge Wood has obviously never tasted SPAM
or he'd understand why Hormel had to file the lawsuit.
[16]
BARBIE BEGETS VIOLENCE
Modesto, Calif. - A 6-year-old girl stabbed a 7-year-old
playmate in the back with a steak knife in a fight over
Barbie dolls. Doesn't anyone's mother tell the kids to
"Play nicely" anymore???
[17]
TOO WEIRD TO HAVE A TITLE
Ovda Air Force Base, Israel - A hijacker seized control of
a plane containing more than 170 people who had intended to
do some duty-free shopping in the Persian Gulf. The plane
landed at a remote base in the Israeli desert and the
hijacker asked for asylum - but here's the kicker - so did
some of the passengers. The hijacker said he was sick of
being in Iran and asked for political asylum in the U.S.
[18]
ANOTHER NEGLIGENT U.S. DOCTOR STORY
Pittsburgh, Pa. - A Pennsylvania couple have charged the
surgeon who operated on their daughter last year with
removing an ovary and a fallopian tube instead of the girl's
appendix. Hey, at least he didn't cut off a leg by accident.
[19]
TAKE THE PEPSI CHALLENGE, EH?
Mississauga, Ont. - A man pretending to be a driver for the
Montreal trucking firm of C.G. Transport persuaded a Pepsi
distribution company to load up his truck with pop. The
driver, who didn't work for the company, signed for the load
of Pepsi and left. Police are searching for the 1,500
missing cases of soft drink valued at $30,000. Yet one more
reason why Pepsi isn't "The real thing."
[20]
SO WHAT SHOULD WE CALL IT, HMMM?
Wellington, New Zealand - Jacques Le Blanc, France's
ambassador to New Zealand, objects to the use of the word
"bomb" when referring to French underground nuclear tests
in the Pacific. He told New Zealand's National Press Club,
"I do not like the word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb, it is
a device which is exploding." You heard it here first,
folks - exploding devices are not necessarily bombs.
[21]
$10 MILLION IS $10 MILLION, NO?
Stamford, Conn. - In February, the Women's Tennis
Association Tour turned down a $10 million sponsorship
offer from Tampax. WTA president Martina Navratilova
said the organization feared the stigma and being "a
laughing stock." Martina, as we know, doesn't buy
Tampax - she rolls her own.
[22]
"COP"-OUT
Milton, Ontario - Stephen Patterson has been fined
$1,500 and ordered to perform 150 hours of community
service for driving the wrong way on Highway 401
while impaired. His blood alcohol level was twice the
legal limit. What makes this story noteworthy is that
Patterson is a police officer. Peel police Superintendent
Daniel Banting said of Patterson - a 19-year police
veteran - that he is "if not the premier investigator in
Number 12 division, (is) certainly one of the most
outstanding police officers I've known." And then we
wonder why so many crimes remain unsolved...
[23]
ANOTHER BRILLIANT MIND RUINED BY ALCOHOL, EH?
Toronto, Ontario - Vincent Murphy, 27, was so drunk
while robbing a home that instead of fleeing when
confronted by the homeowners, Murphy went to the
bathroom. The husband followed and detained him in the
kitchen until the police arrived.
[24]
KEEPING CRIME IN THE FAMILY
Hamilton, Ontario - Police believe a 4-year-old girl
was coached into crawling on her hands and knees into
store jewelry cabinets where she scooped up the
jewelry. Police learned of the scheme when staff at
Shira's Fine Jewellery viewed a security video and
realized that $20,000 worth of jewelry had gone missing
right from under their noses. Six adults who are
alleged to have masterminded the scheme have been
charged with theft over $5,000. Which reminds me of an
old saying: The family that does crime together, does
time together.
[25]
FINALLY, A LEGAL DRUG WITH A GREAT HIGH
Clomipramine, marketed under the brand name Anafranil,
is a drug used to treat depression that has one
remarkable side effect: some users who take it have
an orgasm when they yawn. The drug affects both men
and women. One woman in a Canadian study asked
researchers "how long she would be 'allowed' to take
the drug." A married man in his mid-20s found the side
effect "awkward and embarrassing," but solved his most
urgent problem by wearing a condom continuously. Linda
Mayer, a spokesman for Ciba, the company that
manufactures clomipramine, said this side effect is
rare. Okay, the line for clinical trials forms on the
right...
[26]
PENIS ENVY?
Brantford, Ontario - Robert Douglas, 35, was convicted
of sexually assaulting another man despite claims he
couldn't rape because his penis is too small. Douglas
claimed to be physically incapable of performing the
sexual assault due to his 2-inch penis and the inability
to have an erection. Most men I know would rather go to
jail than publically admit having a 2-inch penis.
[27]
OH SURE... THAT'LL MAKE HER WANT HIM BAD
Manila, Philippines - Ricardo de la Gracia, 45, upset
that his wife refused to have sex with him, set his
home ablaze and burned down 70 others as well. His
wife told investigators she rejected his advances because
he smelled of liquor and she told him to take a bath
first. I guess burning down the neighbourhood seemed much
more reasonable to him than taking a bath.
[28]
CRIMINAL LOGIC
Niagara Falls, Ontario - A female store clerk was
confronted by a gun-toting bandit who, after taking the
money, told her the robbery was the fault of government
cutbacks. Welfare cheques had been slashed by 21.6% the
previous weekend. I guess armed robbery might seem more
profitable than working to the clue-impaired, but let's
see how much they like having a wife named Spike once
they get caught.
[29]
A BANG-UP JOB
London, England - A British fireworks factory was
demolished when burglars tried to open its doors with an
oxyacetylene torch and made the contents explode. Police
have dubbed the robbers the "hole in the wall gang."
[30]

I'm teaching my son to drive and yesterday some old guy in a huge
car darted out in front of him. My son exclaimed, "Does he think
he owns the road or what?"

I replied, "I think he's afraid that you might own the road and
he's trying to get off of it fast."
[31]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
                                                           cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want
                                              mustard with that?"
[32]

Hugh Grant walks into a bar.

"Aren't you that movie star who got caught with the $50 hooker?"
asks the bartender.

"Yes," says Hugh Grant, "Now, how much are your drinks?"

"For you," replies the bartender, "$50."
[33]

Re: OJ Simpson trial

With all the instructions that the Judge has to give to the jury,
it will be a hard thing to decide.  But I have an insider in the
jury who told me that they are going to find him innocent of murder,
but guilty of littering for leaving his gloves and mask behind.
[34]

A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and
became lost.  After a long search of the rambling first floor to
find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.

"How do I get outside?" he asked.

"Dial 9," she replied.
[35]

When my husband drove a truck many years ago, he had a few
occasions to have a co-driver. He told me, "I don't like having
a co-driver. When he's driving, his snoring keeps me awake."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you get 100 Indians into a phone booth?

A: Tell them they used to own it.
[36]

Three couples went out camping.  The three husbands stayed in
one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.  At about 3
in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex!  I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've
ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no.  Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
[37]

What is the advantage of being born with five penises?

Your pants fit you like a glove!
[38]

I guess you've heard that Bill Gates and Mick Jagger are pretty
cozy now after the $12 million deal for Start Me Up. Mick
attended a lavish party hosted by Bill to celebrate the
kickoff to Windows 95.  He was walking down one of the back halls,
and heard a huge ruckus coming from behind one of the doors.
Mick's curiousity gets the better of him and he opens the door to
see Hugh Grant BEATING on Dennis Weaver something awful!
Mick exclaims:
"Hey! Hey! Hugh! Hugh! Get offa McCloud!
[39]

 There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as
first prize.  The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest
illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I've been shopping for a new car but all I can afford is a
Volkswagen bug. No, no, not the little car. This is an insect with
a Volkswagen tattoo.
[40]

It has been reported that Pete Rose now owns the Baseball Hall
Of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.
                                           He won it in a bet.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Two baby harp seal walk into a club...
[41]

How can you tell if Lucien Bouchard has been in your house?
Your can of Pledge is empty.
----------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if you're in Lucien Bouchard's house?

 The laundry separates itself.
[42]

Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
 What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
 I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
 I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
 Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
[43]

Waiter, Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
 I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this?
 That's bean soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
[44]

What's the difference between government bonds and
men?             Bonds Mature.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better than that!

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

Husband: Want a quickie?
 Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
 They can't stand criticism.
[45]

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those
 "Believe it or not" Shows. They had a man born with
 a penis and a brain.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their
own business?
  1. No mind. 2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
 Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
 inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
[46]

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
 A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them
 from grazing.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?
 Because they want to be on a first-name basis with
 the person who makes all their decisions.
[47]

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
 Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at
the Olympics?
 He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
  Its sex with someone they love.
[48]

What is gross stupidity?
  144 men in one room.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a
Corvette?
 The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
 Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
 and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
 A padded headboard.
[49]

How do men sort their laundry?
 "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo
in it.

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
 To keep the swelling down.
[50]

Q:  What do you call it when you mix 7up and prune juice?

A:  Hurry Up.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Q:  How do you break a lawyer's hand?

A:  Punch one of his clients in the pocket.
[51]

Saw a Bob Packwood button:

"Packwood for President:  How does that grab you?"

I heard today that Packwood has asked for another week before his
resignation takes effect..... He says he needs the time to kiss
his staff goodbye.
[52]

Wife: How does this oral sex thing work again?

Bill Gates: Hey, read the manual!

Wife: But you didn't come with a manual!

Bill Gates: And then you marvel at how I've become so rich. Sheesh!
[53]

A man meets up with an old roommate whom he has not seen for many
years. The roommate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it
painful?" asks the former. "No, not really," says the second. "How
about when they cut off your penis?" "No that really wasn't the
worst of it." "Really?" says the first. "How about when they had
to create the new hole? That must have been painful."

"No, the worst part was when they stuck a tube in my ear and
sucked out half my brains."
[54]

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that
douche bag at the end of the bar a drink."  The bartender
says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about
her that way."  The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that
nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink."  The
bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to
the girl and asks her what she wants to drink.  She says,
"Vinegar and water."
[55]

Yo mamma....got two wooden legs and one is one backward
Yo mamma....got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it
Yo mamma....so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on
the moon
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A woman ran up to a police officer with half of her clothes torn
off, bruised, and crying. The officer asked what happened and she
said, "I was raped by an Irishman!" The officer said, "Well, how
do you know he was Irish?"
The woman answered, "Because I had to help him!"
[56]
How many (________) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

GRADUATE STUDENTS...   One---but it takes him nine years.
AUTO MECHANICS...Two.  One to screw in the wrong-sized bulb and
                       one to replace the burned-out socket.
NUCLEAR ENGINEERS...   Seven.  One to install the new bulb, and
                       six to figure out what to do with the old
                       one for the next ten thousand years.
NEW YORKERS...         None of your damn business.
NEW JERSEY-ITES...     3.  One to change the bulb, one to be a
                       witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
CALIFORNIANS...        Four.  One to screw in the bulb and three to
                       share the experience.
[57]

How many (________) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESSES...Two.  One to pour the Tab, and one to
                                   call Daddy.
JEWISH MOTHERS...            None.  No, it's okay, I'll sit in the
                                    dark.
TEAMSTERS...                 Fifteen.  You got a problem with that?
STRAIGHT SAN FRANCISCANS...  Both of them.
WOMEN WITH PMS...24.  ...    Why 24?   ...   It just does, dammit!
WASPs...               Two.  One to mix the drinks and one to call
                       the electrician.
[58]

Q: How many Intel employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 0.9995276381 employees.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: They just declare darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to make an Apple hardware extension to automatically replace
   the light bulb on the command, one to write an API for that
   extension, one to implement a standard way to upgrade it via
   software, and the whole rest of the company to try to get
   developers hooked onto this brand-new way of changing light
   bulbs.
[59]

        Edna Seamon's husband had passed on and she was so
distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her
husband was fine, that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.
 "Is there anything he needs?" Edna asked.

        The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,
"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes."

        "I'll send them immediately," Edna said joyfully.  "But did
he give an address?"

        "No.  But he didn't ask for matches."
[60]

How many politically correct people does it take to change a
lightbulb? "It's wrong to force change on this poor innocent
lightbulb... plus, lightbulb is a derogatory term that can cause
emotional distress to those who lack brightness."

How many OJ Simpson defence lawyers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
All of them, at $5,000 an hour times 3,000 hours amid the testimony
of the manufacturer of the lightbulb, the manager whose store sold
the lightbulb, and the shipping clerk who received the lightbulb.
Surprise witness will be Kato the surfer dude, who once actually
changed a lightbulb himself but has now recovered from the shock.
[61]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were
five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun
how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "because the
rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the
teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny
said, "I have a question for you now.  If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone,
the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which
one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the
one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the
wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
[62]

In a surprise announcement, Robert Dole held a press conference
this morning to announce that OJ Simpson has joined the Dole
ticket and will run for Vice-President.

Dole said, "OJ has proven that he can remain cool under even the
worst of circumstances, and adding him to the ticket will make an
unstoppable team."

Their campaign slogan will be: "We'll kill the opposition and
really slash the budget."
[63]

O.J. Simpson took a knife.
Gave forty slashes to his wife.
When he saw what he had done,
He gave Ron Goldman forty one.
[64]

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody
nose, black eye, and torn clothing.  It was obvious he'd been in
a bad fight and lost.  While his father was patching him up, he
asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel.  And, you
know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
[65]

Q: How can you tell when it's Springtime in Idaho?
A: Detective Mark Fuhrman's out planting gloves.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
After winning his acquittal, OJ was overheard speaking to Johnnie,
and said that he would seek out and find the real killer of Nicole
and Ron. Johnnie replied: That's great, but you had better take all
of the mirrors out of your house first.
[66]

What happens if a woman and 2 men are marooned on a desert island?
 If they are Swedish, the men will marry and ignore the woman.
 If they are Danish, everyone will find a way to be happy without
   any announcement of anything.
 If they are Spanish, one of the men will kill the other.
 If they are Greek, both of the men will kill the other.
 If they are Italian, the woman will kill one of the men.
 If they are British, nothing will happen since there is no one
             to introduce the men to one another.
 If they are Irish, the woman will become a nun.
[67]

How do you make a cat bark?
Pour gasoline all over it.... light a match..... WOOOOOOOFFFFF!

How do you teach a dog to make sounds like a cat?
Toss Fido in the freezer, put 'em on the bandsaw... MEEEOOWWRRR!!
[68]
BOOK TITLES

Spots On The Wall                          By Hu Phlung Poo
Revenge of the Jungle Tiger                By Claude Balls
Sailor Beware                              By Don Bendover
The Yellow Stream                          By I.P. Daily
By A Waterfall                             By U.P. Standing
Rip In The Matress                         By Mr. Completely
The Great Condom Failure                   By Iva Child
The German's Favorite Spot                 By Herr Bottom
Teen Mother                                By Pasteur Period
[69]

One night a guy got to the ballpark late. He saw three old
ladies in the stands - passed out with an empty bottle of
booze beside them. Right away, he knew the status of the game:

It was the bottom of the fifth and the bags were loaded.
[70]

How can the post office save money?
Use Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail.

Why do postal employees get such great union contracts?
Because of the guns they carry.
[71]

Truck driver: Boss, I have broken the left hand mirror on the
              truck.
Boss: Well then. you had better fix it then.
Truck Driver: That might be a bit hard at the moment, Boss.
Boss: And what would be so hard about fixing a mirror?
Truck Driver: Well Boss, at the moment the truck is laying on it!
[72]

  OJ's fiance, Paula Barbieri was asked if they were getting
married when they go to the Dominican Republic.  She wouldn't
say yes or no, but she did say she was registered in the bridal
shoppe... at the Shady Grove Funeral Home and Mausoleum.

  Ben and Jerry have a new ice cream out in honor of OJ.
  OJDOA (Chocolate and vanilla swirl).
  So thick you can cut it with a knife.
[73]

Did you hear about the cat that made a killing in sports?
  He was in the tennis racket.

Can cats see in the dark?
  Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight.
[74]

In a retirement home, two old men and two old women
played Bridge every day. One day, the ladies decided to
spice things up. At the time for the Bridge game,
they got together outside the card room and took off
their clothes. Then they streaked the card room.

One of the old men said to the other, "What was that?"

The second old man said, "I don't know, but whatever it was, it
sure needed ironing!"
[75]

A man, arrested for murder, bribed an Irishman on the jury to
oppose the death penalty, and hold out for a verdict of
manslaughter. The jury were out for quite a long time, and finally
came in with a verdict of manslaughter.  The man rushed up to the
Irishman, and whispered, "I'm tremendously obliged.  Did you have
a hard time of it?"
  "The devil's own time, me lad.  The other eleven all wanted to
acquit you."
[76]

What gets Bill Gates aroused?
Screwing millions of people at the same time with Windows 95.
[END]