An unnamed source inside IBM who would only be known as 'Lou' said yesterday: "Whoever came up with the idea of the PC was an idiot. And as for the idea that they can be used to profit from the stock market... It's ludicrous. Everyone knows that capitalism is a flawed and corrupt system of wealth distribution and come the revolution it will be the likes of you that is first up against the wall," he ranted before severely wounding a press photographer and being dragged off by security guards. "Lickspittle imperialist lackeys! Your days are numbered!" he screamed as he was bundled into a yellow van.

Plans are afoot in Congress to ban PCs altogether. Leader of the Republican majority, Newt Gingrich would not comment on the propsed legislation specifically but in a lengthy speech did remark that: "PCs are crap. The only thing worse than a PC is a Mac, they're crap and expensive. They oughta be made illegal, and we in the communist party of America intend to do just that. First we will control the means of production, then the worker's minds, and finally, we'll legislate to make gun ownership compulsory across the globe. To hell with sovereignity. The good ole US of A is not prepared to stand back and allow other countries blatantly to ignore the laws of this beautiful country just because they happen to have their own legislature and government. That didn't stop us in Grenada, it didn't stop us in Colombia, it didn't stop us in Nicaragua, and it sure as hell ain't gonna stop us anywhere else. I personally will not rest until the blood red of the people's flag is flying from every mast in every country on God's earth."

The insane fat man then went into a moving rendition of The red flag before taking out a Magnum .45 and blasting randomly into the crowd. Dodging bullets, a spokeman for Bill Gates said: "The only error in the book about PCs and profit is the claim that your PC can make you rich. What it should say is that your PC can make us at Microsoft rich beyond your wildest dreams."

Julian Patterson has bought 6,786 copies of the book More profit from your PC.