As one said: "This is a terrible blow to us all. The Room has been providing huge quantities of out-of-date news for months and months now. I'm appalled by this decision." As Eveling rambled through his farily tedious statement, he justified the decision saying: "Look, we haven't bothered to update the news section since mid-August because we're slapdash and incompetent. We thought it better to accept this and try to concentrate on the things we are good at. Whatever they are." Patterson was then heard to remark that: "I'm the only one who's incompetent and slapdash, really". This raised the only cheer at what was a very sad event.

"It is a great loss to the news community and we all mourn its passing," said ITN newscaster Trevor MacDonald, sentiments that were echoed by the late Jimi Hendrix. In an addendum to the main conference, it was also announced that Patterson's promotion to Chief Bottle Washer from Assistant Bottle Washer was in recognition of all the hard work he had put into the Room over the years, and for that reason, it was only a temporary promotion which was to be reviewed every ten minutes.

We apologise for the appearance of Julian Patterson in this news story, and can assure our readers that everything is being done to eradicate him from the site.