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It is after much thought that I have come down against the orgasm pill which has been the subject of heated debate in this week's papers.
Okay it won't fart in bed or object to bondage on the first date, but the male of the species is lazy enough without handing them this sort of excuse. The vast majority of them already don't have a clue what they're doing. This is the sort of invention, which in two generations to come will lead to history class discussions to incredulous male students about how their grandfathers used to spend more than 20 seconds on the sexual act. If nothing else it will rob millions of women of one of the most entertaining pastimes - namely watching some hapless novice earnestly beavering away anxious to boast to his mates in the morning about how it all went. Besides how the hell are we women supposed to fund ourselves if this invention takes off? Women's lib has already done a lot of damage. If the option is there to simply go to bed with a tablet we risk losing that wonderful courtship tradition of guzzling and slurping down half a new date's pay packet in some unfeasibly expensive restaurant before finally deigning to slip between the sheets. Girls' it may look attractive, but then so does the back shelf of Anne Summers if your man just can't hack it. Sorry, but this latest provider of the elusive Big O must be given the Big No. | ||||
 Another recipient of the Big No is Liam Gallagher, the newly official squeeze of Paty Kensit. It turns out he was spurned at his first attempt at the altar by model Daniella Lloyd, a charming ex who chose to go public this week about the sex performances of Liam, and fellow-ex Ryan Giggs.
Liam was, we learn, "a really attentive lover. It wasn't wild with sheets-and-pillows-everywhere sex but really caring and attentive". Well, sweetie, you obviously just weren't doing it right, which is why he chose to pursue Patsy rather than you to trot down the aisle with him. "Wild man Liam wrecked my bed," screamed a headline in the News of the World in a story by "TV beauty" Kimberly Cowell. One minor detail. Miss Cowell wasn't actually in the bed at the time but this didn't deter her from posing in knickers and bra to reveal all about the state of the bed she rented to Liam and Patsy. In contrast to the "caring and attentive" lover that Miss Lloyd enjoyed we learn that his antics with Patsy resulted in wrecking the bed and leaving several dents in the wall. God knows what they were doing in there but, "now it (the bed) wobbles all the time and the frame is ruined," moans Miss Cowell. Whatever it was that the two got up to, any damage was clearly not due to any orgasm pill and three days after leaving said bed Patsy had won her man. |
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| From the Big O to Big Mo, and there are red faces all round the sheet of shame this week as newspaper editors bitterly regret last week's attacks on Labour MP Mo Mowlam.
You may remember that most made cutting remarks last week about her weight gain and her transformation from sleek blonde locks to harsh bob. They all, without bothering to ask her of course, accused her of guzzling away after stopping smoking. Embarrassment all round then this week, as it was revealed she is suffering from a brain tumour, and the radiotherapy treatment has bloated her up and caused her hair to fall out resulting in a replacement wig. |
Most papers chose to run grovelling editorials and messages of support for her plight this week in a desperate attempt to make up. Ms Mowlam bore the whole fat attack episode with a dignified silence, but these bumbling brown-nosed editorials must have put a smile back on her face for the first time since the health crisis struck. 
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| Someone else smiling this week is Adam Carmody. This tosser, although that presumably is no longer the operative word, has just paid ú20,000 to a plastic surgeon to transform himself into the spitting image of 'The Body' Australian model Elle McPherson.
To achieve his Body, Carmody paid for implants to give him a 40DD chest, had fat sucked out of his cheeks, implants blasted into his lips, dental work, and, for the bargain price of ú12,000 had his private parts lopped off. And on page three of The People this week as he poses in lycra and rubber you can't deny he looks the part. But of course money can't pay for everything. "One guy wanted to have children with me - but I'm afraid that is a total impossibility." Not the only thing that's a total impossibility now, is it darling? Perhaps that orgasm pill may have a target market after all. |
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