Wimbledon is on us once more. All those balls flying around the court, although sadly not the pairs belonging to "Brits" Tim Henman and Greg Rusedski.
Although sad to see Timbo go -I've always found underage men with that air of vulnerability rather attractive - I failed to shed a tear at the sight of Rusedski's demise. After all, for all this Union Jack waving mania, the man's a bloody Yank. He was born in Canada and speaks with a Canadian accent for God's sake. Just because he's bounced his balls on our turf I don't see why we and the tabloids would have so enthusiastically claimed him as our own.
Still, good to see that true Brit, Tony Banks displaying a good old fashioned British sense of stiff upper lip when it comes to appraising our sporting action. Apparently the Sports Minister objects to the way women's sport is covered. It's "pornography" he says, of the current tabloid frenzy over what colour knickers the women players are wearing. Pornography? Mary-Jo Fernandez may sport a lovely pair of frilly knickers, but even so, I can't see her bum cheeks making it to the top shelves or gracing my bedside table alongside such classics as Dreams of Leather and Revenge of the Rubber-clad Catwoman. Mr Banks clearly needs to get out more. | |||
On the subject of sex (as this column invariably seems to be) I'm dismayed to see the emergence in The Express of yet another of these "Classical Totty" figures.
Lisa Friend, is a young lady whose approach to classical music is clearly a little friendlier than most. Her USP is to appear clutching her flute clad in the most diaphanous of chiffon as she toots her stuff in the concert halls. The blonde temptress is clearly trying to follow in the perfectly formed footsteps of Vanessa Mae, the underage strumpet who prefers to play her violin immersed in lakes and see-through T-shirts. There's also a Pamela Anderson-lookalike Linda Lampenius, who has a well documented penchant for fiddling in rubber. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for livening up classical music - but why is it that only female babes are volunteering to do it? The best the female audiences ever got was Nigel Kennedy, whose most startling bodily protuberance was the large boil that developed on his neck. | |||
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Talking of unsightly bodily defects I read in The Mirror that Princess Di has been immersed in a six month sulk with my favourite Royal, the vulgar Fergie.
Apparently fragrant Di's distress has been caused over Fergie's throwaway remark in her "novel" that when Di gave her her cast-off shoes, she also gave her verrucas.
You can't blame Fergie for pointing this out. After all, given how fond the old girl was of inserting said feet into young men's mouths it must have cramped her pulling style somewhat.
Still I have to say it makes you think. After all, just think of all those folk who've just lashed out thousands for one of her frocks. Knowing what Fergie's previously immaculate toes got from Diana's intimate apparel, I dread to think what dangers are lurking for those who are about to slip into one of her old frocks. |
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But it's Di's sulky reaction I can't fathom. Verrucas? Di old girl this is the least of your health worries. After all you're perfectly keen to go on national TV telling us how spew was frequently to be found trailing down your chin. I would have thought dodgy feet were the least of your worries love. Let's face it you lost your mystique long ago. The knowledge that you're banging around with a few diseases inside your Manolo Blahnik's is hardly a great slur on your character.