media slag logo
"It's just a little thing," Helen Merchant told the press sweetly this week, dispelling, in one sentence her image as the sweet dutiful Tory wife.

Atta girl! It was looking dangerously like she was backing her odious Tory husband Mr Piers Merchant over his park bench appointments with the appropriately named 17 year old floozie Anna Cox.

But clearly the earth was failing to move for Mrs Merchant when her husband gave her that sickening Frenchie on the doorstep for the benefit of the UK's media last week.

Tory sleaze has totally dominated the UK headlines this Easter with a media obsession to prove that our country's leaders were doing more than just rolling their eggs in the parks this year.

Frankly I'm bored of reading where the Tories have been sticking their little things. Perhaps they should give us all a break and hot foot it to New Guinea.

There, according to the latest tourist information booklet, male visitors should expect their penises to be pulled as a sign of good will. Apparantly in the remote area of Irian Jaya it's considered a friendly gesture - on a par to shaking hands.

I shudder to think what their politicians do instead of kissing people's babies.

Such native friendliness may not prove enough for all of course. "I love the uniforms, the chase and the flashing blue lights," a shuddering Julie Amri, 35 has just told Chicester Crown Court.

This is Ms Amri's admirable excuse as to why she came to find herself shoplifting. She can, she claims, only achieve orgasm by being chased through streets by police cars or store detectives and then being locked in a cell.

Pity Richard Madley never thought of that one.

For those of us who relax in slightly more conventional ways, splendid news comes from France where it has been proved that three or four glasses of wine a day can help prevent the onset senile dementia and Alzheimer's disease.

Bad news of course if you only took up drinking to forget, but heartening to see that research money going on something useful rather than letting smug little students in their white coats preach to us about the cancerous effects of life's few luxuries. Surely the Galloise-puffing Frogs can now only be days away from proving that chain-smoking improves your sex life and half a bottle of Gin was the best thing Mother ever took.

A less memorable debate comes in the remarkable shape of teenager Emma Bowen, the chesty blonde who's fighting a high profile court case against her former double glazing employers.

Apparently Ms Bowen got fed up of sexist comments about her 36F chest. Personally I thought lines such as, "Look at the bay windows on that" showed an intelligence and wit far above that expected in the home improvement industry, but Ms Bowen failed to raise a smile. Having said that the thought of an impending cash settlement has cheered her up somewhat.

Now the feminists can back the poor sweetie all they like, but frankly her recent entry into a Miss Wet T-Shirt contest and her latest appearance in the News of the World - flashing said tits in a see-through lace blouse undone to the waist - is perhaps not the brightest way of gaining the wimmins vote.


 Also featuring in the not so bright stakes is the lovely 34F Vicky Lee - last seen preggers in a Guinness ad getting married to an old duffer. Things are looking up for the ex-strip joint girl. She's just landed a part in Eyes Wide Shut - a film starring Tom Cruise and his wife Nicole Kidman.

Now, I know blondes with large tits in strip joints aren't famed for sparkling wit and repartee but even so Ms Lee takes the biscuit.

"We were making up a lot of the script as we were going along and Tom (Cruise) suddenly said: "When are you coming in for your mammogram," Ms Lee breathlessly told the Daily Star.

"Well I didn't known what one was. I looked really blank at him," confesses Ms Lee. The crew cracked up. Nicole Kidman didn't. "Maybe she she didn't know what it was either..." suggests Ms Lee.

Sure honey. Sure. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that you were insisting to the film director that you could bring a bit more to the bit-role if you were to play it naked. "I was a bit disappointed that they asked me to keep so many of my clothes on," she breathed.

I'm sure the male population joined you there, my dear.

Still, as far advice goes, other people have had worse. Take the case Maria Mendoza which has just hit the Brazialian press. She had a fear of heights and so contacted Brazilian psychiatrist Ed Cabrillo.

His recommendation? That she climb up 20 flights of stairs and step into the lift at the top.

It cured her. But more dramatically than she expected. The lift was broken and she plunged to her death.